The Last Assembly Uncle


The Last Assembly

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This programme contains very strong language

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CHEERING

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Mr King?

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-Mr King, we're waiting for you.

-RHYTHMIC CLAPPING

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-SLOW MOTION:

-Mr King? Mr King?

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Touche or not touche, that is the question.

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Take that, you vegan wannabe!

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Take that, you Neil Diamond lover.

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Hey! Don't knock Jewish Elvis.

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Just had my last radiation treatment, bitches!

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My tit cancer's been cured, or I'll turn into the Hulk,

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but either way, it's a win.

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-That's amazing news!

-Ah! Careful!

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The girls are still tender!

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Sorry. Sorry. We're going to celebrate hardcore, right?

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No. My follow-up mammogram's not for another six months,

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so I won't know if I've got the all clear until then.

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PHONE BUZZES

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Oh. Shit.

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It's OK, I know why I'm here.

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Just fire me already, and get it over with.

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Bear?

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Your new band name. Bear Maximum was giving me cock rot.

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-I don't follow.

-Explain it to him, Spock.

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I think Marsh is trying to rebrand you as a performer,

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not just a composer/producer.

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I know I said I couldn't package you, but I had a bit of a rethink.

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I'll sign you as is - old-school songwriter.

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We'll wheel you out as a kind of Joe Cocker meets Elbow.

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That's right in the pocket!

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Ever heard of Ezra + Riley? Duo on my label?

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Total tossers, but they're getting quite big.

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First headliners coming up, six-month European tour.

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My opener's pulled.

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Rehab. I've got your backing band all lined up.

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All expenses paid. Tour leaves in a week.

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-What about my nephew?

-I assume you'll want to bring him.

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He's your Ray Manzarek. Everybody loves a bit of keyboards.

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So you're asking me to be the opening act on a six-month

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European tour with my nephew, all expenses paid?

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This is your shot. Don't blow it.

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'I'm not stressing. I think it's great.'

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I just don't know how I'm going to persuade them

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to let me go, especially with GCSEs coming up.

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Is that you that changed it from Dusky Butternut to Dusky Butt?

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I learnt from the best.

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Unacceptable.

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Sorry, I'll change the label.

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No, that...punter perusing with his dumb, handsome face.

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We don't need that sort in here.

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Look at him, with his chiselled features.

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Who does he think he is, David Ginola?

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Michelangelo called. He wants his sculpture back.

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Probably one of them blokes who says that they love nipple clamps

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but when push comes to shove, he's like,

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"Ooh, no, I don't want to hurt you, Roopesh."

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# Please, please, please let Roly go

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# On tour with me and do a show

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# We'll make a handsome sum, for sure

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# If me and Roly go on tour

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# By day I'll make him learn and read

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# By night we'll make some earholes bleed

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# Paris, Stockholm, Lisbon, Rome

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# He'll keep in touch, I'll make him phone

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# Now it's time to sort this mess

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# So won't you kindly...

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# Please...

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# Say...

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BOTH: # Yes? #

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I can't believe they said no!

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Do they know how long it took me to make those cards?

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I'm still high off Sharpie fumes.

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I'll just phone Marsh in the morning and tell him it's off.

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You're giving up the biggest break of your life for me?

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I can't believe it, either. But who are we kidding? I'm better off

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with you, and if I go it alone, I'll only end up making a tit of myself.

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-But you love tits.

-I know.

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I guess this is what growing up feels like.

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SNORING

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ANDY GASPS

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How long have you been sitting there?

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Not long. Just 20 minutes.

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-Listen, I've been thinking...

-20 minutes?!

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-Go without me.

-Am I dreaming?

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You've been given a chance you've always wanted,

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and now you're terrified to balls it up.

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What if all those hundreds of people who thought you didn't have

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what it takes were right? What if you ARE just a talentless hack?

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Instead of putting it all on the line, you're going to retreat,

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because if you don't ever try,

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then at least you know that you won't ever fail.

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Don't use me as an excuse. I'll be right here when the tour's over.

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And who knows, I might even have a girlfriend.

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Now I KNOW I'm dreaming.

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It's not a dream, dummy!

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-So, are you going or not?

-Yes. I'll go.

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Good.

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MUSIC: Souvenir, by Orchestral Manoeuvres In The Dark

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So I figured it's going to take off, right?

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-Yeah.

-That's going to...

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Hi. The name's Andy, Andy King,

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but my friends call me Big Dick Legend With A Heart Of Gold.

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Rich. Guitar.

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Gareth. Drums.

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-So, when's the headline act getting here?

-Oh, just over there.

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Maybe one day we'll get a ride that doesn't smell like zombie come.

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The thing about zombie come is that

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it tastes a lot better than it smells.

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Yeah, all right, mate.

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Berlin, here we come!

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Not without me!

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Oh, what in the name of holy fuck are you doing here?

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Come to give me a goodbye kiss?

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No, dick features, I'm your bassist.

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I don't think so. Marsh has taste. Why would he hire you?

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Cos I done a few sessions for him, and he likes my work.

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I'm not happy about this, either, but money's money.

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Well, what do Gwen and Val think about this?

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That you're a prick. That you need me to keep an eye on you.

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But I'm warning you -

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this isn't going to end up with us being besties,

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sleeping on each other's shoulders,

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staying up all night watching Girls, whilst eating Nutella out of a pot.

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Savvy?

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I don't even like Nutella.

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HORN BLARES

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This is really weird.

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It's only been a day. I'm quite enjoying the lack of thumping music

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-coming from the basement.

-Garden flat.

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Plus, now Roly and I get to spend more time together.

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You guys should take a knitting class.

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-That is a great idea, Tiff.

-And we can go trainspotting.

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Well, I should probably get to school. Knowledge is power.

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Yeah, the power to make other people feel stupid.

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BRUCE LAUGHS

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Andy would've loved that one.

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Six of one, half a dozen of the other,

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but I didn't understand that meant "the same"...

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LAUGHTER

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PHONE CHIMES

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# No vital signs, no BPM

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# Our relationship flatlined right then

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# There was nothing left to do but pray

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# Like the last time you walked out

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DRUMS CRASH

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# No survivors

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DRUMS CRASH # No survivors

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# No... #

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I mean... I mean... Erm...

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Er, I think you're coming in a bit strong.

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Maybe you're coming in a bit weak.

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Am I rushing or dragging? ANDY CHUCKLES

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Oh, forget it. Let's go again.

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# No vital signs, no BPM

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# Our relationship flatlined right then

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# There was nothing left to do but pray

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# Like the last time you walked out

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# No survivors

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# No survivors

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GUITAR OUT OF TUNE

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# No survivors... #

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-How do you think it sounds?

-Honestly?

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Like cats puking.

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Well, can you tell your new girlfriends to step in line?

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I can't take your side in front of them. They'll never respect me.

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-Says the guy wearing the beanie.

-Hey! Don't diss the beans.

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RINGING TONE

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-Miss me already?

-You wish.

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-Are you at school?

-Just getting out of chemistry.

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-Why do chemists love nitrates so much?

-Why?

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They're cheaper than day rates.

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Listen, when we're rehearsing a song and we disagree on something,

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-how do we resolve it?

-Is it Casper? Bloody bassists!

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I wish it was just Casper.

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OK, well, here's what you do. You've got to tell them,

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"Listen here, you wastes of carbon.

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"I haven't spent two decades crawling out of music's..."

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..shitter to let you fanny-come-latelys

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tell me how to play my music!

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So if you've got a problem with that, why don't you fuck off

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back to the prick holes that you dribbled out of?

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And don't let the door hit you where Phil Collins shit you!

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# No vital signs, no BPM

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# Our relationship flatlined back then

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# There was nothing left to do but pray

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# Like the last time you walked out

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# No survivors

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# No survivors

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# No survivors... #

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MUSIC: Waterfall, by The Stone Roses

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Goodnight, Prague!

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You've been great, Oslo!

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Goodnight, Stockholm!

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# Now you're at the wheel Tell me how... #

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Thank you, Amsterdam!

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Goodnight, Brussels!

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# ..so good to have equalised

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# To lift up the lids of your eyes... #

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We did two encores last night. For the second one,

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we did a cover of Little Red Corvette at half tempo,

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James-Blaked the shit out of it.

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I even caught Casper enjoying himself.

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-MELODIE:

-Oh, sounds amazing! Remind me again, which one's Casper?

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Bassist. Gwen's boyfriend. Sworn enemy.

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When we're not making sweet music together, that is.

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Ahh! Are you in your hotel now?

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Yeah. Pretty swank.

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Scotland has the worst hotel porn, though.

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SHE CHUCKLES

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PHONE BEEPS

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Shit. Sorry, Melodie, I should get this.

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-Talk soon?

-Always.

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Hey, Roly!

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Are you freezing your balls off yet?

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The one upside of Edinburgh is that the entire place reeks of hops.

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It's like I'm still drinking.

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It sucks that we're in the same country but we can't see each other.

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Same kingdom. Different country.

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All right, Cromwell. KNOCK AT DOOR

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How did you...?

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We have this amazing new invention called the rail service.

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I've told Mum I'm staying at a friend's house.

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She won't suspect a thing. My train back's at 7.30 tomorrow morning.

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Sadly, it's too late to visit the Scottish Parliament,

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so we'll just have to make our own fun.

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# You don't know if I'm a berk And you don't care if I go to work

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# What am I supposed to do?

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# That's one

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# You're telling me

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# I'm still a baby. #

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Mum is dragging me to ballroom classes. Bruce has bought a drone

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for us to fly, and Tiff has made me watch all of the Divergent films.

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You can say it.

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OK, I did enjoy the first Divergent, but the others just felt incoherent.

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-Hunger Games was much better.

-No, you miss me.

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Have you noticed how every room service menu has a club sandwich?

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Guess it's not a very exclusive club, then.

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KNOCK AT DOOR

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We're going to the bar. You coming?

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Whoa. Hey, man, what happens in Edinburgh stays in Edinburgh, but...

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Shut up, donkey. That's his nephew.

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-THEY CHEER

-There he is!

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Errol said that you two have been playing music together

0:11:280:11:32

since he was 12. You playing nursery rhymes or something?

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THEY LAUGH

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I'll have you know that working with my nephew's been

0:11:350:11:37

a very important step in my evolution as a songwriter.

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I'm basically the John Lennon to his Paul McCartney.

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More like the Linda McCartney to my Paul.

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They were the Wings of nursery rhymes.

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No, it's cool you guys are so close, man.

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I mean, I only see my uncle at Christmas,

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which is often enough, cos he's a twat.

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Both my parents are only children, so I don't have an aunt or an uncle.

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That explains so much.

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The family you choose mean more than the family you're born with.

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-Thanks, Ghostie!

-Not you, idiots. Val and Gwen.

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We're getting married when the tour's over.

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I'm sure you and Val will be very happy together.

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THEY LAUGH

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It's funny, I'm really happy for you both.

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If we ever have a boy,

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we definitely won't call him Andy.

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DOOR SLAMS Ho, ho, ho!

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Andy King is ho-ho-home for the ho-ho-holidays!

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Hey! The prodigal brother's returned.

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Ow! You smell like Pringles and petrol.

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Welcome home, dude.

0:12:360:12:38

Look, Bruce is teaching me how to shave.

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I could've taught you how to shave.

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What does Bruce know about shaving? He's got a beard.

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-So do you, Andy.

-Oh, yeah.

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Now, wash that custard pie off your face and put your shoes on.

0:12:440:12:47

We're going out to buy me a new car.

0:12:470:12:48

But me and Bruce were just about to go droning.

0:12:480:12:52

I'll get my shoes.

0:12:520:12:54

Don't you think this looks a little bit upmarket for you?

0:12:540:12:56

Only if you've got a down-market 'tude.

0:12:560:13:00

Oh, shit, it's Alfie. We need to go somewhere else.

0:13:000:13:03

No way. This is like that scene in Pretty Woman

0:13:030:13:05

when Julia Roberts goes into that shop and makes all the staff

0:13:050:13:07

feel like shit because they made her feel like shit

0:13:070:13:09

when they thought that she was just a poor prozzie.

0:13:090:13:11

Yeah, but she was just a poor prozzie.

0:13:110:13:12

And the proper term is "sex worker".

0:13:120:13:14

Well, well! What are you two queefs doing here?

0:13:140:13:17

Get lost on the way to your bikini wax?

0:13:170:13:19

Speedo wax, actually. And no.

0:13:190:13:21

Nice hat, Alfie. Does a good job of hiding those horns.

0:13:210:13:25

Dad!

0:13:250:13:27

Well, well.

0:13:300:13:31

If it isn't Baloo and Mowgli.

0:13:310:13:33

You need to update your refs, Tom.

0:13:330:13:35

You of all people, Baloo, should know they've just made

0:13:350:13:37

a live-action Jungle Book, so who's the muppet now?

0:13:370:13:40

You've got a lot of nerve showing up here, after what you did.

0:13:430:13:46

-Don't know what you're talking about.

-Yeah?

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-Who etched a cock on my Benters?

-Haven't the foggiest.

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And you should know, Tom, a lot's changed since last we met.

0:13:500:13:54

My band is currently on a European tour.

0:13:540:13:57

The Edinburgh show was rated three stars in the Scotsman,

0:13:570:13:59

which is the equivalent of six English stars.

0:13:590:14:02

Yeah? What's your band's name?

0:14:020:14:05

-It's Bear.

-What's that? I can't hear you.

0:14:050:14:08

Bear! We're called Bear!

0:14:080:14:09

That's a perfect band name, Baloo.

0:14:090:14:11

I forgot how funny you were!

0:14:130:14:16

He's not here to make jokes, he's here to buy a car.

0:14:160:14:19

You can't afford any of these!

0:14:210:14:24

Not a problem. We could cut a deal. My services for a discount.

0:14:240:14:28

What would you have to offer, Baloo?

0:14:280:14:30

I wrote a jingle for Carpet Brothers,

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and their sales went up by 30%.

0:14:320:14:33

Actually, forget it.

0:14:330:14:35

I can see we're not dealing with serious businessmen.

0:14:350:14:38

Errol, come.

0:14:380:14:40

Wait.

0:14:400:14:41

# Leyton Luxury Cars, Leyton Luxury Cars,

0:14:410:14:43

# Leyton Luxury Cars, Leyton Luxury Cars

0:14:430:14:45

# Oh, Leyton car dealership is here to stay

0:14:450:14:47

# If you don't like it, get out the way

0:14:470:14:50

# Whether you're from Leyton or you're from Mars

0:14:500:14:53

# Leyton is the best at dealing cars

0:14:530:14:55

# The interiors are leather and sometimes vinyl

0:14:550:14:58

# Smells like a car, not a urinal

0:14:580:15:00

# Come to fucking Leyton car dealership

0:15:000:15:02

# It'll make you cool, it'll make you hip

0:15:020:15:05

# Everybody's gonna think you have a massive dick

0:15:050:15:07

# It's Leyton Luxury Dealership

0:15:070:15:09

# W-W-Word! # ERROL BEATBOXES

0:15:100:15:12

Not bad, Baloo. You've earned your discount.

0:15:120:15:16

On one condition.

0:15:160:15:18

I can live with that.

0:15:220:15:23

Hi, this is Errol, future Prime Minister.

0:15:230:15:25

-Leave a message after the beep.

-BEEP

0:15:250:15:28

Hey, it's your cool Uncle Andy here.

0:15:280:15:30

Er, I'm in Stuttgart, but my flight's been cancelled.

0:15:300:15:33

Bloody climate change!

0:15:330:15:35

So I guess I'll have to see you next month. Sorry about that, mate.

0:15:350:15:37

Oh, PS - you're a nerd. CALL ENDS

0:15:370:15:39

Well, Uncle Andy's not coming back this weekend.

0:15:410:15:45

What am I going to do?

0:15:450:15:46

Spend time with friends your own age?

0:15:460:15:48

I haven't got any friends my own age.

0:15:480:15:50

PHONE BUZZES

0:15:500:15:51

Who's that?

0:15:510:15:52

That's Ian from school. He keeps wanting to hang out.

0:15:540:15:57

He's a nice chap, but he's into symphonic metal.

0:15:570:15:59

Hey!

0:16:020:16:03

Oh, wow, that looks really good.

0:16:030:16:05

Yeah. It's what happens when you finally ask

0:16:050:16:07

your professional-artist brother for help.

0:16:070:16:09

Ooh, speaking of collabs, I spoke with the oncologist today, and, erm,

0:16:090:16:13

she says if - sorry, no, when - I get the all clear,

0:16:130:16:17

she recommends that we wait for two more years

0:16:170:16:20

before trying for a baby again, in case of a relapse.

0:16:200:16:24

Well, I've been waiting 13 years for the new Postal Service album,

0:16:240:16:28

so two years is a cinch.

0:16:280:16:30

DOOR SLAMS

0:16:320:16:33

The road warrior's here!

0:16:330:16:35

Witness me!

0:16:350:16:37

MUSIC FROM DOWNSTAIRS

0:16:370:16:40

Guess who, motherfucker?

0:16:400:16:43

LOUD ROCK MUSIC

0:16:430:16:46

MUSIC STOPS

0:16:500:16:52

-Oh. Hey, Andy.

-Oh?

0:16:530:16:56

Who are these people, and what are they doing in my flat?

0:16:560:16:58

We're Ophelia Nightshade. I'm Ian.

0:16:580:17:01

Sorry. It just seemed like a nice place to jam.

0:17:010:17:05

"Jam"? Are you a band?!

0:17:050:17:07

Roly! Is that a bass?

0:17:070:17:09

The bass was just a one-time thing. I was just experimenting.

0:17:130:17:16

This isn't a band, it's just a school project.

0:17:160:17:18

They're not even my mates, they're just co-workers.

0:17:180:17:20

-Trust me, no fun was being had.

-I saw the bowl of Starmix.

0:17:200:17:24

It was just oranges and yellows.

0:17:240:17:27

What...? What are those magazines?

0:17:270:17:29

-Someone's written an article about me.

-Oh, wow! Can I see?

0:17:310:17:33

Maybe when you've finished with your co-workers.

0:17:330:17:35

If you want some company, there's always Tiff.

0:17:350:17:37

You'd be doing me a big favour.

0:17:370:17:38

She keeps on flirting with Ian and showing him her jujitsu moves.

0:17:380:17:41

I don't need company! I've just performed a sell-out concert

0:17:410:17:44

in front of 3,000 adoring fans. And seriously, "Ophelia Nightshade"?

0:17:440:17:47

Have you gone all symphonic metal on me?

0:17:470:17:50

You paid them to write this, right?

0:17:540:17:56

No. Why would you think that?

0:17:560:17:58

It says that you're handsome and charismatic. If I gave a shit,

0:17:580:18:01

-I'd be really proud of you.

-Thank you.

0:18:010:18:04

Listen, Andy, can I, er...

0:18:040:18:07

ask your advice about something?

0:18:070:18:09

You want my advice?

0:18:090:18:11

-Yeah.

-It's a new low.

0:18:110:18:12

I just feel weird talking to Gwen about this.

0:18:120:18:14

I knew it. You hate Casper. We've all been there.

0:18:140:18:16

No, you knob! I'm seeing someone. Patrick. He's...

0:18:160:18:20

lovely, and it's getting serious, but he has teenage kids

0:18:200:18:23

and an ex-wife, and they're really straight.

0:18:230:18:26

You know? Square?

0:18:260:18:27

And I don't know what they're going to make of me,

0:18:270:18:29

or Gwen or this place...

0:18:290:18:32

I refuse to change who I am. And I just... I just don't want

0:18:360:18:40

to scare them off before they get to know me, you know?

0:18:400:18:43

-What?

-Oh, my God!

0:18:450:18:49

You are so insecure.

0:18:500:18:52

Andy, don't make me kill you just when things were looking up.

0:18:520:18:56

Listen, Val...

0:18:560:18:59

you are one of the coolest,

0:18:590:19:01

most genuine, beautiful human beings I have ever met.

0:19:010:19:05

You stick up for your friends and your family.

0:19:050:19:08

And if you're special to this guy,

0:19:080:19:10

then his family should know about it.

0:19:100:19:13

And if they can't see it, and he won't show them,

0:19:130:19:19

then he doesn't deserve you.

0:19:190:19:21

If he doesn't want what you're cooking,

0:19:210:19:23

then I'll come over for dinner.

0:19:230:19:25

-SNIFFLES

-Are you hitting on me?

0:19:320:19:34

Accidentally, maybe.

0:19:340:19:35

# How's it feel when it's on the wall?

0:19:370:19:45

# When you're out, you're out cold

0:19:450:19:52

# So long

0:19:540:19:57

# Shed your skin again, my child. #

0:19:570:20:05

Happy 16th, Roly!

0:20:090:20:11

You're now old enough to register as a blood donor.

0:20:110:20:13

-Or join the army.

-Or get married.

0:20:130:20:15

-Over my dead body.

-Or ride a moped, like a true mod.

0:20:150:20:18

-Over your dead body.

-Hey!

0:20:180:20:20

You're leaving the biggest one out.

0:20:200:20:22

Sex!

0:20:220:20:23

You are officially old enough to change your name by deed poll!

0:20:230:20:28

This "Errol" joke has been going on long enough.

0:20:280:20:31

Hi, Uncle Andy.

0:20:310:20:35

Wow. When Sam heard I could finally afford to move out,

0:20:350:20:38

she wasted no time in packing all my stuff up.

0:20:380:20:41

Cool. Thanks.

0:20:410:20:42

It's a lady's small. It should fit perfectly.

0:20:420:20:44

Now that's out the way, what do you want to do?

0:20:440:20:46

We could go and try and sneak you into an 18-certificate film,

0:20:460:20:49

or we could have a jam session. Starmix on me.

0:20:490:20:51

I'd love to, but my friends are waiting.

0:20:510:20:52

I'll see you at the gig tonight.

0:20:520:20:54

Ophelia Nightshade are friends now, are they?

0:20:540:20:56

I don't think I should feel guilty for jamming with other people.

0:20:560:20:59

And if you think Ophelia Nightshade's dumb,

0:20:590:21:00

then what about the Bear Maximum?

0:21:000:21:02

-That is a riff on a joke that YOU made.

-When I was 12.

0:21:020:21:05

Well, if you're so mature, then how come you've stopped answering

0:21:050:21:07

-my calls?

-Well, because I knew you'd make me feel bad

0:21:070:21:09

-for having fun without you.

-Yeah, well, I've been having fun

0:21:090:21:12

without you. I've been having the time of my life.

0:21:120:21:14

Why would I want to hang around with a stupid kid from Croydon?

0:21:140:21:16

Because this stupid kid is the only real friend you've got.

0:21:160:21:18

Real friends hang out with each other on their birthdays,

0:21:180:21:21

-not with a bunch of talentless brats.

-I only said

0:21:210:21:23

-they were talentless to protect your fragile ego.

-MY fragile ego?!

0:21:230:21:25

The only reason I started hanging out with you in the first place

0:21:250:21:28

was because you're my sister's weirdo kid and I felt sorry for you.

0:21:280:21:30

Well, don't let me cramp your style. And me playing bass -

0:21:300:21:33

that wasn't a one-time thing. I'm a bassist now!

0:21:330:21:35

Well, you know what a bassist and a Hoover have in common?

0:21:350:21:37

They both suck when you plug them in!

0:21:370:21:39

Fuck you, Andy!

0:21:390:21:40

One minute you're writing hits for NTL,

0:21:430:21:45

and now you're opening for Ezra + Riley.

0:21:450:21:47

Does it all feel kind of surreal to you?

0:21:470:21:49

Yeah. I mean, it's been a long road.

0:21:490:21:51

And this band is kind of an evolution of your duo,

0:21:510:21:54

the Bear Maximum, right? That was with your nephew?

0:21:540:21:57

Can you talk about how that influenced your sound?

0:21:570:21:59

PHONE RINGS Yeah.

0:21:590:22:00

I mean, he wasn't available to do the tour.

0:22:000:22:02

Erm... Oh, I've got to get this.

0:22:030:22:06

Hey. What's up?

0:22:060:22:07

We're heading over to the venue, but I can't find Roly,

0:22:070:22:09

and he's not picking up. Have you heard from him?

0:22:090:22:13

# Isn't it a pity?

0:22:130:22:16

# Now isn't it a shame?

0:22:190:22:22

# How we break each other's hearts? #

0:22:260:22:29

All right, you fanny flannels. After six months together,

0:22:340:22:38

I can say each of you now feels like a brother -

0:22:380:22:40

a brother in the sense that I'm tired of smelling your farts

0:22:400:22:43

and cleaning up your vom.

0:22:430:22:44

I'm ashamed to say I know your wank schedules better than my own.

0:22:440:22:49

Now, let's get out there and give them the show of our lives tonight.

0:22:490:22:53

I've got some ex-girlfriends in the crowd,

0:22:530:22:55

and I'd like to make them feel bad for letting me get away.

0:22:550:22:58

Andy? You want to add anything?

0:22:580:23:01

Erm...

0:23:010:23:02

Don't fuck it up.

0:23:020:23:04

-ALL:

-Don't fuck it up!

0:23:040:23:07

Come on, boys, come on.

0:23:070:23:08

CHEERING

0:23:080:23:10

MUSIC: Smother, by Daughter

0:23:160:23:19

Mr King?

0:23:260:23:28

Mr King, we're waiting for you.

0:23:280:23:29

# In the darkness I will meet my creators... #

0:23:290:23:35

RHYTHMIC CLAPPING

0:23:490:23:52

CHEERING

0:23:520:23:55

# We're always told it's all about the taking part

0:24:030:24:08

# Yeah, whoopy-doo and, well done, you

0:24:080:24:11

# You take that sentiment to heart

0:24:110:24:15

# You lag behind

0:24:150:24:17

# You've constantly been overlapped

0:24:170:24:20

# I raise my hat, I'm impressed that

0:24:200:24:23

# You've really ran with being crap

0:24:230:24:27

# Here we go again, here we go again

0:24:270:24:30

# You're perfect again

0:24:300:24:31

# Coming last again

0:24:310:24:33

# You can't know again You're on show again... #

0:24:330:24:35

So, you got all that rock-star stuff out of your system?

0:24:350:24:40

No? Good! Cos I want Bear to do me an album.

0:24:400:24:44

Don't thank me.

0:24:440:24:45

Fuck me.

0:24:450:24:46

In the ears. With your music.

0:24:460:24:49

-I'll give it a go.

-Super.

0:24:490:24:51

Ezra, you skinny twat.

0:24:510:24:53

Andy, you ready to finish that interview?

0:24:530:24:55

Yeah, er...

0:24:550:24:56

Maybe later.

0:24:590:25:00

Hi.

0:25:060:25:09

That was a great show.

0:25:090:25:11

Yeah. Thanks.

0:25:110:25:13

EXHALES

0:25:150:25:16

You want to get out of here?

0:25:180:25:20

You punch like a diabetic kitten.

0:25:210:25:25

You punch like Danny DeVito in a zero-gravity plane.

0:25:250:25:30

You punch like an inflatable balloon man at a boat show.

0:25:300:25:34

You punch like a bassist.

0:25:340:25:38

Oh. Sorry.

0:25:410:25:44

That was a low blow.

0:25:440:25:47

You're my best friend.

0:25:470:25:48

Shut up!

0:25:480:25:49

You're my best friend, and that will never change,

0:25:490:25:52

but I've got some friends my own age now.

0:25:520:25:54

And I might need to start hanging out with them more.

0:25:550:25:58

For sociological reasons.

0:25:580:26:00

You know, how can I pretend to be a normal teenage boy

0:26:000:26:04

if I don't study their ways?

0:26:040:26:07

And sure, I might play in a few bands, but

0:26:070:26:09

you'll always be my number one.

0:26:090:26:11

Yeah. Well, you'll always be my number two.

0:26:120:26:15

And you're my best friend.

0:26:170:26:18

I love you, Errol Andrew Meyer.

0:26:210:26:23

I love you, too...

0:26:260:26:28

Andrew...

0:26:280:26:30

An-Andrew, er...

0:26:300:26:32

Oh, my God!

0:26:320:26:34

You don't know my middle name!

0:26:340:26:36

'Course I do! It... Er, it...

0:26:360:26:38

-It's, er...Andy?

-You think my name is Andrew Andy King?!

0:26:380:26:42

AA King? It sounds... It sounds fancy, like, er....

0:26:420:26:46

-AA Milne.

-Yeah.

0:26:460:26:47

The only problem is that my full name is Andrew Guthrie King.

0:26:470:26:52

PHONE CHIMES

0:26:520:26:55

Shit. It's Ian and the lads.

0:26:550:26:57

They've come to pick up me and Tiff for a party.

0:26:570:26:59

And they're totally spaced. I'll... I'll cancel.

0:26:590:27:02

No, no, you should go.

0:27:020:27:03

You know, I've got to finish packing up this place, anyway.

0:27:030:27:06

-Are you sure?

-Go on. Get out of here.

0:27:060:27:09

See you later...

0:27:090:27:10

..Baloo.

0:27:120:27:14

See you later, Mowgli.

0:27:140:27:15

MUSIC: Smother, by Daughter

0:27:180:27:22

Silly old bear.

0:27:280:27:29

TOILET FLUSHES

0:27:430:27:45

SNIFFLES

0:27:460:27:48

Hey! Don't cry.

0:27:510:27:54

It was only a wee.

0:27:540:27:55

-LAUGHS TEARFULLY

-Sorry. It's just...

0:27:550:27:58

...Roly's growing up.

0:28:000:28:02

You're moving out. It's like everything's changing.

0:28:020:28:05

Yeah, it's funny.

0:28:050:28:06

This feels like the first time in my life that I'm actually all right

0:28:060:28:10

with being on my own, like I don't need someone else to complete me.

0:28:100:28:18

But, if it's making you this sad,

0:28:180:28:20

-I'll stay.

-No.

0:28:200:28:23

I'm very proud you've finally put a deposit on a flat,

0:28:230:28:26

like a real grown-up. It's amazing.

0:28:260:28:29

And it's a moot point, anyway, because, erm,

0:28:290:28:31

Roly's moving down here to make some more space.

0:28:310:28:35

"Space"?

0:28:350:28:38

-For what?

-The new nursery.

0:28:380:28:41

Bruce and I hadn't planned it,

0:28:410:28:42

but we've decided, as long as I stay in remission,

0:28:420:28:45

then we are moving forward.

0:28:450:28:47

Am I a stupid cow?

0:28:470:28:50

Andy?

0:28:500:28:52

Andy! Can you please say something?

0:28:520:28:54

You mean...

0:28:550:28:56

...I'm going to be an uncle?

0:29:030:29:05

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