Episode 4 World's Craziest Fools


Episode 4

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Transcript


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This programme contains some strong language

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Although nobody involved was seriously hurt,

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you should not attempt to repeat anything you are about to see.

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Last year, Mr T went on a mission.

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He scoured the globe to find the world's craziest fools -

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those people with a lack of common sense,

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a terrifying disregard for health and safety

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and whose favourite question is, "What's the worst that can happen?",

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and you loved it.

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But now, you want more and you want them crazier,

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and even more foolish!

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So once again Mr T has delivered an array

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of the world's least talented people.

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This is the World's Craziest Fools...

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..Return Of The Fools.

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Cheese, tomatoes, pepperoni, ham, extra beef.

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OK, thanks.

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That was a journalist asking me to name

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some of my favourite words, but enough of that.

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You are watching the World's Craziest Fools.

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Coming up today, we got fools punching banks,

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fools breaking buildings and too many fools for one bike to handle.

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Sit back and enjoy - it's going to be delicious.

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Why do fools feel the need to show off? Look at me.

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You don't see me showing off about my muscles or my hair,

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or my achievement in film and television,

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because showing off is for chumps.

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Now, shut up and watch these clips!

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What kind of machine is that?

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Is this clip from the future?

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Ah!

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I'm glad to see they still got "falling on your face"

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in the future.

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Ah!

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Take a look at this girl...

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SHE SCREAMS

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..now forget about her.

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Pretend you never saw it and let's never talk about this again.

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Oh!

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Time to get a new career, sucker!

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Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

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Don't take offence if I call you a chump, fool.

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Russia.

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I don't know what that chain is for...

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but I'm pretty sure it ain't for you to do that.

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What do I know? I didn't put it there...or did I?

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I can't remember.

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Here's some people playing volleyball on a beach.

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If you are playing sport, you need to bring your A game.

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At best, these people have brought their D game or E game.

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GIRLS LAUGH

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It may even be all the way down to M, N, O, P game!

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The bank may be closed but this fool is open for business 24/7.

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Albania -

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this here's Albania number one acrobat troupe...

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it's also Albania only acrobat troupe.

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They should get some more acrobat troupes...

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Ah! Argh!

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..this one ain't no good.

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Hey, who wants to join me for a game of Stupid?

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Ah!

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That's how you win at Stupid.

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Ah!

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Ever seen footage of a kid on a branch end well?

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It's not going to... Oh!

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No.

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Argh!

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Well, this one ain't going to break tradition.

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I don't know why they're called funfairs -

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they ain't fun and they ain't fair.

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They should call them unfair-fairs.

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Whoever needs to make that happen, make it happen.

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These folks are celebrating

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cos they just found the biggest fool in Germany.

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'Oh!'

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Hoorah! We've got him! It took a while but it was worth it.

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'Oh! Oh.'

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Here are some kids on their way to school.

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Ah!

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Looks like one or two weren't wearing their seatbelt.

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Now they're wearing the roof on their head.

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Remember, kids, always buckle up.

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Check out these jerks.

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They're seeing how far they can chuck their computer keyboard.

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Don't ask my why!

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Seems like a pretty stupid way to pass the time,

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if you want my opinion.

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It's all right, it's over now.

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You're safe with me.

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You should respect your property

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instead of throwing it around and breaking it,

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and that goes for phones too.

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Don't throw your phone around,

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no matter how dumb the person on the other end is.

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PHONE RINGS

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There is nothing better than working outdoors.

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Sometimes you just want to rip off your shirt

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and pick up a shovel, and start digging a hole.

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The last time I did that, I created the Grand Canyon.

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It's doing pretty well.

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Here's some clips of workmen going about their business.

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These guys are trying to demolish a building in Lithuania.

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If you going to be using explosive, you better know what you're doing.

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CHEERING 'Oh, yeah!'

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You need to have seen at least three series of The A-Team

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before you'll qualify to blow things up.

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How much is this truck driver getting paid?

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The answer...

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MEN SHOUT

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..too much.

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It's like my mother used to say,

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"Son, if you were paid what you're worth,

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"you ain't worth what you paid."

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Listen up, drivers...you need to be careful in icy conditions.

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Careful you don't get impaled by a forklift truck, for instance.

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Don't worry, he's OK.

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I like cranes...

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I don't think I need to explain why.

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"And that's lunch. Back at two, everyone!

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"Good job."

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This crane is out of control...

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..they're trying to stop it by putting bits of wood in front of it.

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That ain't working.

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Here's a better idea, try putting a bridge in front of it.

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You're welcome.

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Next up, we got some lucky fools who stared death in the face

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and came out on the other side.

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These clips are so incredible, you won't believe your eyes.

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You will want to take your eyes out and get new ones

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but don't do that! Your eyes are fine.

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It's these clips that's all messed up.

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First up, here's some lucky fools

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who nearly get hit by a runaway truck.

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It's no surprise that truck is running away.

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It's always running away!

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Wherever it is, it ain't welcome.

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This photographer is on a racetrack, looking for some good action shots.

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How's that, sucker? Close enough for you?

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Here's a skateboarder...

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he can't use his skateboard properly.

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He can't even get run over by a car properly.

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What can this guy do properly? He's OK.

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This is a pedestrian crossing.

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This is a bus that don't care about that pedestrian.

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This is one lucky pedestrian.

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Check out this drunk fool who walks into the road without looking.

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HORN BEEPS

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Remember your Highway Code, kids -

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look left, look right, don't walk into any vehicles.

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Simple.

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And while I'm on the subject, don't walk into any trains either.

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Trains are mean,

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they don't feel pain and won't get out of your way.

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Keep off the track - that's where trains attack.

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Keep your eye on this old guy.

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He wants to go one-on-one with a rally car.

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Nothing's going to get in the way of him and his lottery ticket.

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It looks at first glance like this guy got lucky...

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..but he's got unlucky, he's delivering my vegetables,

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and if my vegetables are late, there going to be a ruckus!

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Pick up my bok choy, fool. I got stir-fry to fry.

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This guy's standing next to a railway line

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and he doesn't even realise it.

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He realised it now. You got lucky, fool.

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It's not a good idea to play games with death...

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not even fun games like Monopoly or Buckaroo.

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Check out this chump bowling.

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Started off foolish, but sometimes a fool's so foolish,

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they go full circle and look smart.

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Yeah. Oh! Oh, oh! Oh!

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Don't look so dumb now, do it?

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But guess what?

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Foot fault, sucker. Mark him zero.

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If you memorise your car insurance detail,

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that could mean one of two things -

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one, you got a great memory,

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or, two, you are crashing your car too much.

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And if it's the second one,

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then you just in time for my rules for driving fools.

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Mr T's rules for driving fools.

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Rule one, always remember

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that safety is definitely more important than irony when driving.

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Rule two, when driving,

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it's traditional to have your wheels on the road.

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Other methods have proved less effective.

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It's also, sort of, the law.

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Rule three, if your mechanic says your car needs water,

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double check you know what he means.

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Rule four, some journeys require taking the car and the train

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but rarely at the same time.

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Rule five, vehicles are not humans.

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They do not need to sleep and they do not need pillows...

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but a little lie down does nobody harm...except vehicles.

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Rule six, just one for cab drivers, this,

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bears are bad tippers.

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Rule seven, not all buildings are multi-storey car parks.

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Unless you see a clear sign,

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do not assume you can park on the top level.

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Rule eight...

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WTF? How the hell did that happen?!

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Sorry, back to the rules.

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And finally, rule nine...

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sometimes you don't even need to make a joke about a picture.

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What has two wheels and goes really fast?

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Me holding two wheels!

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But enough of that. Here are some clips of fools on motorbikes.

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Put your helmet on, it's going to be a bumpy ride.

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That's the thing with motorbikes...

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they're much harder to crash on two wheels than one.

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Don't worry, he's OK.

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But you don't have to be going fast on one wheel to crash a motorbike.

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They can crash nearly anywhere, at any speed.

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It's a versatile machine.

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There's a time and a place for playing piggyback.

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Ah!

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The middle of a dirt-bike rally in Brazil is not one of them.

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Ah!

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Don't worry, the only thing that was hurt was his pride.

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Ah!

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Drag racing in the US.

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They call it drag racing because it's such a drag.

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How would you like it if you drove these three metres

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then crashed into a post?

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That ain't no fun at all.

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You're looking at a supermarket in Thailand.

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This guy goes around the parking lot all day,

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because they don't let him loose on the roads.

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That's why.

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The Band-Aids is on aisle three, sucker.

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You see, this is why we practise.

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We practise so we can get better at stuff.

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MAN LAUGHS

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We'll come back and see this guy in ten years -

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maybe then he'll have something impressive to show us?

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If you want to go rock climbing, go rock climbing.

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Don't expect your bike to go with you.

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This guy knows every trick in the book.

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Unfortunately, the book is called The Fool's Guide To Breaking Bones.

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'Oh!

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'Holy cow!'

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'Oh!'

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Things haven't changed over the course of two clips...

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bikes still don't like rock climbing.

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Remember, if your motorbike is out of control...

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there are brakes for slowing down and handlebars for steering.

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It's all in the user's manual.

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If your user manual is in Japanese, then learn Japanese.

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It must be exhausting, being a fool all the time.

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Look at these guys.

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Help!

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They really hit the wall. That joke is copyrighted to Mr T...

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Help!

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..2012.

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This guy's got real talent -

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not for motorcycling, he's appalling at that...

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..his talent is for smashing up cars in new and surprising ways.

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Don't worry, he's OK.

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A lot of people ask me,

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"Mr T, how many people is too many people on a motorbike?"

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I always say, as a rule of thumb, anything over one is too much.

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Hey, listen to me,

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if you're a fool and thinking about getting on a motorcycle, don't.

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Go lie down in a empty room, turn off the lights

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and wait for help instead.

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The following is a true story.

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In October 1987, Mathieu Boya, of Benin,

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was practising his golf in a field next to the national airbase.

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He hit what he later described as a "glorious slice,"

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which sailed high into the air and hit a passing bird.

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The stunned creature fell directly into the open cockpit

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of one of Benin's five Mirage jets that was taxiing on the runway.

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The startled pilot lost control of the plane,

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which ploughed straight into the only other four planes

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in Benin's air force.

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The ensuing fireball wiped out all five planes.

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In fact, it wiped out Benin's entire air force,

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at an estimated cost of 40 million.

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As the bill would have taken him 145,000 years to repay

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on his current wage,

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he was sent to jail and given a lifetime ban from playing golf.

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"I'm just walking along, minding my own business. Oh, no!

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"It's a lion! He's going to eat me. Please, somebody, help me."

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"Don't worry, lady. Mr T's here."

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That's something that happened to me last Tuesday,

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but if you not trained in dealing with wild animals,

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then I suggest you leave them alone.

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-We're going for a somersault?

-'No!'

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'Don't you dare!'

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'Oh, Grah...' SHE LAUGHS

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Ugly. It's just plain ugly.

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It's about the ugliest thing I ever seen.

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This lady is a horse whisperer...

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I don't know what she's whispering but I think the horse liked it.

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Morocco -

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this clip is so insane...

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you going to be 10% insaner just by watching it.

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Oh!

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Poland - and this car has picked up an unusual hitchhiker.

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Also, there's a cow in the boot.

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COW MOOS

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MEN LAUGH

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Look at this man, his trousers are too low.

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He's showing us the top of his butt - I don't need to see that.

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The horse don't need to see that, either.

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"Put some underpants on," the horse is thinking...

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Ah!

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"..then you can think about riding me."

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One of the most majestic sights in the animal kingdom -

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the eye of the tiger!

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Hey, Mum, Dad, what's going on? All right, this is it.

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I'd like to introduce you to the newest member of our family.

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Come here, buddy. Come here. Come here.

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Hey, you guys, this is Jerry. He's my new pug.

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He's a really good boy.

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Oh, my God.

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Oh, my gosh.

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Oh, my God!

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As you can see, animals are very good at sniffing out fools.

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He's a really good boy.

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Oh, my God.

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This penguin has found one.

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It has decided to attack - run, fool, you've been rumbled.

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MEN LAUGH

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Put that rat down, fool. Rats ain't pets.

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Ah!

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That's what happens when you get too close to a rat.

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Oh, hang on a minute. Is that a dog?

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Ah!

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Don't worry, no animals was harmed in the making of those clips,

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only stupid fools, and nobody cares about them!

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Next up, it's this...

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Hello, and welcome to Mr T's School For Fools.

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I'm Coach T and this is your PE lesson.

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What does PE stand for? Pain and exertion.

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Today, I'm going to tell you how not to play sports.

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Sport one - basketball.

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-No! No!

-Oh!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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That is how not to pay basketball. Sport two - pole vault.

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Ah!

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That is how not to pole vault. Sport three - soccer ball.

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That is how not to play soccer ball.

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So now you know how not to play sport,

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go out there and don't play them.

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Now, drop and give me 100. Grrr! Grr.

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Back in the '80s, I invented a little thing called skiing,

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but it was stupid and I hated it, so I immediately disinvented it.

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As far as I knew, that was the end of it.

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Imagine my horror when I saw the following clips.

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Sitting on a tea tray being dragged by a car -

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are there any better ways to pass the time?

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Ah! Ah!

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Yep, all the other ways are better than this.

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Ah! Ah!

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Don't worry, the dog was OK.

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Sometimes I get so angry at fools, I have to go home

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and punch my wall, just to get the anger out of my system.

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You should see my wall - it's a mess.

0:24:230:24:26

MAN LAUGHS

0:24:320:24:34

Grrr! Where's my wall? I want to punch my wall right now.

0:24:340:24:40

My wall is lucky, it's back home holding up my house,

0:24:400:24:45

or it would be in trouble.

0:24:450:24:47

If you're going to do something dumb,

0:24:470:24:50

make sure you got a friend nearby, in case anything goes wrong.

0:24:500:24:54

Ah!

0:24:540:24:56

Who else is going to film it and show everyone what a doofus you are?

0:24:560:25:00

Ah! Ah!

0:25:000:25:03

This fool is so ashamed of himself...

0:25:030:25:05

Ah!

0:25:050:25:06

He's trying to bury his head in the snow -

0:25:060:25:10

good idea...

0:25:100:25:12

Ah!

0:25:120:25:13

..bad execution.

0:25:130:25:14

Ah!

0:25:140:25:16

Oh!

0:25:200:25:21

I'm feeling like I want to punch my wall again.

0:25:210:25:24

Maybe I'll do 100 push-ups instead?

0:25:240:25:26

MR T GRUNTS

0:25:260:25:28

There, all done.

0:25:280:25:30

That's better.

0:25:310:25:32

Oh!

0:25:320:25:34

This guy's breaking street lamps, one at a time.

0:25:350:25:39

-Oh!

-'Are you OK?'

0:25:390:25:41

He won't be happy until he plunges the whole world into darkness

0:25:410:25:44

but he forgot about the daytime. See you in 12 hours, fool.

0:25:440:25:48

'Are you OK?'

0:25:480:25:50

I just can't breathe that well.

0:25:500:25:52

'Tell you what, I'm a taxpayer and you've damaged my light.'

0:25:520:25:56

Two words...

0:26:010:26:02

"ski" and "sucks".

0:26:030:26:04

'Holy crap.'

0:26:050:26:06

'Turn!'

0:26:070:26:08

'Oh, my God. Holy crap!

0:26:080:26:11

'Oh, my...'

0:26:110:26:13

There's got to be an easier way of getting around that fence.

0:26:130:26:16

'Oh...'

0:26:160:26:17

I've got it - why not try walking around?

0:26:170:26:21

'Oh! Oh, my God, Ronnie.'

0:26:210:26:23

This problem's solved.

0:26:230:26:24

'He's...'

0:26:240:26:26

As I've already told you...

0:26:340:26:35

..fools are everywhere...

0:26:390:26:41

..the only way to keep safe...

0:26:450:26:48

..is to be ready for them at all time.

0:26:500:26:53

Don't get ready, stay ready!

0:26:540:26:56

You might want to pick a new hobby, sucker.

0:27:000:27:03

How about rolling down the hill?

0:27:030:27:06

Seems like you pretty good at that.

0:27:060:27:08

'Argh!'

0:27:100:27:11

That's the end of the show.

0:27:140:27:15

Before you turn off your television set,

0:27:150:27:18

I'd like you to think about this.

0:27:180:27:19

It's true, you don't know what you've got till it's gone.

0:27:190:27:23

But it's also true

0:27:230:27:24

you don't know what you've been missing until it arrives.

0:27:240:27:27

So keep your eyes open, my friends,

0:27:270:27:29

and be good to yourselves, and each other.

0:27:290:27:32

See you next week. So long, suckers.

0:27:320:27:35

Come on, little buddy.

0:27:350:27:38

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:27:510:27:55

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