Episode 9 World's Craziest Fools

The following show is full of fools doing very foolish things.

Although nobody was seriously hurt, you should not attempt to repeat anything you are about to see.

Last year, Mr T went on a mission.

He scoured the globe to find the world's craziest fools.

Those people with a lack of common sense,

a terrifying disregard for health and safety,

and whose favourite question is, "What's the worst that can happen?"

And you loved it.

But now, you want more and you want them crazier and even more foolish.

So once again, Mr T has delivered an array of the world's least talented people.

This is...

Look at my face.

Do this like a happy face?

This is not a happy face.

You know why?

Because I just seen what's coming up on this week's show.

We got fools jumping out of planes, fools crashing tanks,

fools filming other fools riding bicycles over cliffs.

I'm amazed there's anyone left to watch the show.

For the record, this is my happy face.

Have you ever looked up into the sky and thought how great it would be

if you could fly?

For most people, that's where that thought ends.

Not for our next bunch of champions.

They launch themselves into the air

and were surprised when they came right back down almost immediately.

Watch and laugh.

New Year's Eve.

This guy new year's resolution is to be more of an idiot.

I think he's going to pull it off.

If a biker falls over in the woods and there's no-one to hear him...

YELPING

..does he make a noise?

The answer is yes.

YELPING

You just heard it.

Next clip.

News flash, numskull.

Bikes have two wheels.

You try and skimp on wheels, you suffer.

HEAVY METAL MUSIC

A musical festival in Hungary land.

They say three is a crowd, try telling that to this guy.

I admire this man's courage,

but there's got to be a better way to catch salmon.

Jump it!

SCREAMING

Oh-ho-ho, my god!

Argentina land.

Here are two planks,

fighting it out for plank of the year.

They both lose.

This sucker thinks he's going to jump his bike over some railings.

Is he going to do it?

Take a look at the title of this show.

It ain't called The World's Greatest Achievers.

There are two types of people in the world.

Those who are unable to successfully launch themselves out of a cannon,

and Mr T.

You should find out which of those types you are

before attempting this.

Don't worry. He's OK.

Russia. You are looking at a guy jumping up and down on a trampoline.

Now you are looking at a guy falling off a trampoline.

This clip takes me back to Mexico, 1984.

I was trapped in a warehouse, surrounded by bad guys...

..with nothing but a bicycle and some parachute canvas

and an old car engine.

You know what I did?

Built myself a horse.

Rode that thing all the way across the border.

This jerk thought it was a good idea to get on a plane.

He then thought it was a good idea to jump out of a plane.

That was two bad ideas in quick succession.

He deserved to get a face full of hedge.

Don't worry, he's OK.

OK, get some Barry White on the stereo,

light some candles, and take off your socks.

Then slip over on the laminate floor,

land on the stereo, knock over the candles.

It's time for some sexy fools. Oh yeah!

SCREAMING

Are we going to get you a tiara?

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

-Are you filming?

-No.

Yeah, got it on video!

SCREAMING

Back in the '80s, when I invented a little thing called show bid'ness,

I also invented funny bid'ness and none of your bid'ness.

In fact, I'm such a good bid'ness man

that people are always after my advice.

So listen up, here are my rules for bid'ness fools.

Mr T's rules for bid'ness fools.

Rule one.

When the marketing department come up with a campaign

they describe as, "A little bit left field",

or, "outside the box,"

they might just mean, completely inappropriate.

Rule two.

If the letters fall off your company logo, maybe it's a bad sign.

Rule three.

Bar owners - salty snacks make people drink more.

This is good business.

Rule four.

Mixed messages can lead to increased interest from customers,

or have you shut down by a very angry priest.

Rule five.

A family name can make a business feel trustworthy and reliable.

Rule six.

Unless your name is Mr Turd Baby.

And finally, rule seven.

It's good to know your customers,

but keep your opinions of them to yourself.

The wheel is a great thing.

It helps you get from A to B, and B is a good place unless I'm at B.

And if I'm at B, you don't want to be at B.

You want to get back to A or maybe move to C.

In fact, go to D.

D is the safest place to be.

Anyway, the point is, wheels are good -

unless you misuses them like these chumps.

Cycling can be a dangerous pastime.

Always remember to wear a helmet.

This kid is wearing a helmet, which he's going to be thankful for

when he smashes his knees on those rocks below.

You're about to witness a quick and cheap way to get a nose job.

I don't advise it.

This is a chase scene.

Some of my best memories involve chasing someone.

CRASH!

This don't look like it's going to be a good memory for this guy.

He's not going to remember anything at all.

This sucker's trying to ride a dirt bike.

Why do they call it a dirt bike?

Cos you end up in the dirt.

That's a pretty funny joke I just did.

You'd better be laughing.

In Portugal now.

This guy riding his skateboard at high speed on a busy road.

He's doing pretty well under the circumstances.

The circumstances being that his brain is made of peas!

Crashing your bike in front of lots of people

is painful and humiliating.

It's pain-miliating.

That's a new word I just made up.

I like it. I'm going to find every dictionary in the world

and write it in.

Don't take it offence if I call you a chump, fool.

This clip was brought to you by the letters A and E.

Our next clip is from Australia.

It's hard to ride a bicycle in Australia cos it's upside-down!

More often than not,

you're going to end up falling into a shed, like this guy.

They say once you learn how to ride a bicycle, you never forget it.

Either this dummy forgot

or he never learned how to ride a bicycle in the first place.

One thing I'll say about this kid, he really throws himself into it.

Bam!

Pain-miliating!

That's that word again.

If you don't know what it means, look it up in your dictionary.

It's hard to believe, but even Mr T makes mistakes.

I remember it vividly.

It was 1998, I put on a sweater when it was sunny outside

and I got too hot.

There's not a day goes by when I don't think about it.

Sure, I can laugh about it now...

No. It's too soon.

The point is, nobody's perfect.

Not even these highly-trained army guys.

First up, a rifle drill in Poland.

Keep your eye on the guy in the front row,

three from the left.

That's only so many times you can tell a guy

that his beret don't suit him before you have to take drastic action.

GUNSHOT

GUNSHOT

Next up, Russia,

where these soldiers are proving that given the chance,

they can turn anything into a weapon. Even a wheelbarrow.

At ease, Sergeant.

A United Nations tank being loaded onto a truck in Bosnia.

Don't you hate it when that happens to your tank?

What do you mean, you don't have a tank?

I thought everybody had a tank.

This Chinese soldier is practising his grenade throwing.

As you can see, it's not his strong point.

Luckily, he's good at hurling himself down

and curling up into a little ball.

France. This soldier is disproving the mantra

that his rifle is his best friend.

His rifle clearly hates him.

He'll be lucky if it gives him the time of day.

And finally, how do you know if your mortar fails to launch properly?

If everyone around you is screaming

and running in the opposite direction,

that's probably a good clue.

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Hey, you. Yes, you.

Put that down and concentrate on this.

Most fools only got themselves to blame,

but some are a danger to others and that ain't funny.

It's quite funny.

It's not funny at all. Have a listen to this.

The following is a true story.

A West Virginian man

decided to take a long-standing termite infestation in his home

into his own hands.

Opting against expensive professional solutions,

he decided that DIY fumigation was the best way forward.

So, turning on all the gas in the house

and shutting the doors and windows to stop it escaping,

he retired for the evening to let nature take it's course.

Emerging the next morning, the man approached the house

and opened the door to survey his handiwork.

Unfortunately he was unable to do this,

as a slight spark caused by the door latch opening

ignited the gas that now filled his entire house.

It was immediately engulfed in a gigantic fireball.

Not only was the man blown into a nearby creek,

but the telephone and electricity supplies to the town were destroyed

and the doors blown off the local church.

The blast was heard up to six miles away.

The termite nest however, had been destroyed.

Unfortunately, so had the house.

The uninsured man received severe burns and an enormous gas bill.

What do you think about when I say the word snow?

Fun stuff? I'll bet.

Happy Christmas scenes,

with children playing and guys in roll-neck sweaters,

and girls in pretty red coats?

Snow is great, right?

Wrong! Snow is deadly and dangerous.

The minute you see it you should run inside, lock your doors,

hide under your beds. Don't believe me?

Take a look at this.

First up, this kid is biking on the ice.

Put your training wheels back on, sucker.

You still got some learning to do.

Check this out.

If I was friends with this guy, I'd follow him around with a camera too.

Nine times out of ten, you're going to get gold!

If you were in Finland and you were on a frozen lake, remember one thing.

You're on a frozen lake!

Are you a penguin?

No, then get off the frozen lake.

This guy's being pulled across the ice on a bed.

This is not a good use for a bed.

Beds are for sleepy time only.

Does this look like sleepy time?

It does not look like sleepy time.

Actually, now it looks like sleepy time.

Don't worry, the only thing that was hurt was his pride.

Next up, skiing.

Even going downhill is an uphill struggle when you suck this much.

This guy's having a pretty good time sledging.

Woo!

When you're having this much fun, who needs a face?

Check out this Russian dummy.

He decided an icy day

was the best time to take his car out for a quick spin.

At least he got the spinning bit right.

Canada.

Now I don't know who the biggest fool is in this clip.

This guy laying down, or the guy driving the snowmobile.

I'm going to call it a tie.

They both get to go home tonight

feeling equally ashamed of themselves.

Finally, we're going to school for a big snowball fight.

That serves you right for hiding up there on the fifth floor.

Next time you see a snowball fight,

go downstairs, pick up some snow and that's how you win a snowball fight.

School time!

Hello, and welcome to Mr T's school for fools.

I am Mr T and today's lesson is all about geography.

What is geography?

It's where things are at.

Like maybe you're thinking, "Where's France at?" That's geography.

Maybe you were thinking, "Where's my keys at?"

That's geography.

Maybe you were thinking,

"When did they invent geography?" That's history.

Forget about history. We're doing geography.

Now open your books to page one. Where stuff's at.

This guy doesn't know where the ground is at.

You should always check and see where the ground is at

before you start anything.

So stand up, now look down.

That's where the ground is at. Geography is easy.

Class dismissed.

Back in the '80s, I invented something called swimming.

Before it, going into the water wasn't much fun.

People would just sink to the bottom and drown.

You won't believe what swimming pools were like before I invented swimming.

Anyway, here are some folks who are no good around water.

This guy's trying to dive into a pool off a plastic stool.

Don't be sad for the plastic stool.

It was just its time.

It had a good life.

He died doing what he loved.

These two ladies are trying to get onto a boat in Portugal.

There are some boats that just don't want to be gotten on.

If you've got one of those boats, don't try to get on it.

Just cos your friend's gone and done something stupid,

doesn't mean you have to go and do something stupid too.

One dumb chump in any group of friends is more than enough.

Serbia now.

And here's a great example of why you should pay attention in school.

If this man had paid attention in school,

he would have learned about distance and velocity and gradient

and he would have built that thing so he'd have landed in the pool.

But he didn't, and look what happened.

It's a bad day for physics.

You see that ladder?

That ladder is what you're supposed to use

for climbing into the hot tub.

If you jump in, you make the floor slippy.

And if you make the floor slippy, you make the floor slippy.

That's why this happens.

Man crosses log.

Man ends up in the river.

This is a familiar story.

This dummy is thinking about jumping from one piece of ice

to another piece of ice.

Looks like he got cold feet.

Also, he's got cold ankles, cold knees, cold thighs.

Basically, the lower half of his body is all cold.

This guy thinks carrying a big stick will make him less of a fool.

Negative.

There's only one rule when you are water-skiing,

but it's a pretty basic one.

Make sure you stay on the water.

LAUGHTER

That's it. The show's over.

Thank you for making this last half an hour

one of my favourite half hours of all time.

I'm going to leave you with this thought -

you will only regret the things in life that you didn't do,

not the things you did.

Now get out there and do some stuff.

Unless it's late, in which case, get some sleep first.

See you next week. So long, suckers.

HE SNARLS

# I pity the fool

# I said I pity the fool

# I pity the fool

# I said I pity the fool

# That fall in love with you

# And expect you to be true

# Oh, I pity the fool... #