Susan Calman takes a humorous look at Scots insults and feels the language is a powerful linguistic tool - especially in comedy.
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Good evening, Scotland.
Please welcome your host for the next just under three minutes,
Miss Susan Calman.
My favourite Scots word is "besom".
As a stand-up comedian, I love describing people using language,
and "besom" is one of the best words you can use
to describe a particular type of woman.
It's not a bad word,
but it describes an uppity kind of woman,
the kind of woman that makes you frustrated,
the person who takes your seat on the bus,
the person who annoys you, who talks too loudly on trains.
It is usually paired with the phrase "wee", for people like myself.
I'm 4ft 11, exactly the same height as Kylie Minogue.
That's where the similarity ends.
I have one talent being this short, though. It's pretty outstanding.
I can stand up completely straight in the back of a black cab.
COMEDY DRUM ROLL
It really is one of the most unbelievably fantastic words
in the Scots language, and I'm proud to be one.
On stage, Susan uses words and language to make folk laugh
and there are certain Scots words that are particularly funny,
especially when you're talking about the body.
You know, your bits and bobs and that.
Of course, "besom" is not the only descriptive word I like to use.
I'm going to show you some of my favourites,
and to help me out, today I'm joined by my twin sister, Maigaret.
Now, I know what you're thinking.
You're thinking, "There's not much of a family resemblance,"
but that's because Maigaret here is slightly more peely-wally,
slightly more pale than I am.
She does, however, have a wonderfully proportioned heid
which she has there.
She's also got a smaller pair than I do... Which is good,
because then she can listen to me. ..of lugs.
We have got a very similar nose, however, a very similar neb.
Different shaped mouth. She's got more of a Cupid's bow.
Very different shaped geggies to each other.
We still talk about the same amount.
She's quiet now, she's just shy,
that's why she's not saying anything.
One thing we have in common is our oxters.
We've got the same armpits. You may think, "How do you know that?"
We differ slightly in her queets, her ankles,
are slightly slimmer than mine.
She's got more sports... I've got dancers' legs.
And finally, the family resemblance you will have noticed
between Maigaret and myself, the bahoochie, the behind.
We both have the same lovely bahoochie.
So, another brilliantly descriptive Scots word I love using.
Anyway, thanks for watching, everyone.
I've been Susan Calman. Good night!
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd