Trespass Doctors

BANGING Mr Fisher.

Mr Fisher. Is this noise to go on for the rest of day?

That noise is the reassuring sound of good, honest toil, Mr Mafouz.

I'm not disputing that.

-I wish to know if it will continue much longer.

-Nearly finished.

There.

What do you think?

-Another assault upon my faith.

-It's a trellis for my new clematis.

Jackmanii. Big, beautiful flowers.

-That just happens to be fashioned in a Star of David.

-Is it?

Oh, I suppose it is.

Well, the Jackmanii flowers have six petals. I took the idea from that.

You never fail to miss an opportunity to provoke.

If I am, I'm merely returning the favours of your own.

The prayers at all hours of the day and night.

Five times a day, no more.

The smell of your cooking that hung around for days last week.

If you mean the midweek family meal,

it was a recipe of my late wife's and it is not to be sniffed at!

Mr Mafouz, you just made a funny. Now I've heard everything.

-A Star of David?

-Facing in this direction.

Once the plant's grown, it probably won't even look like one.

-He did it on purpose. He always does.

-It could be worse.

-How?

Remember telling me about the vandalism at the mosque?

Someone painting swastikas on the walls.

We painted over them, no matter how many times they came back.

But this, I cannot change.

-You can ignore it though.

-It is an affront.

Dad, it's more important than ever that we stand united,

neighbours in a bigger sense, it's all about unity.

If there is division, he started it.

This seems to matter more since Mum died.

-What do you mean?

-Just go round and speak to him. Take a peace offering.

There is no way I'm setting foot in a Jewish household.

Buzz, even if you don't know the answer.

That'll give us time to think and failing that... Sidney?

Yes. Sorry, sorry.

Failing that, get the quizmaster to repeat the question.

That blocks the other team, doesn't give them a chance to do it.

Most important of all... Sidney! Pay attention.

-Sorry, Al, it's this whole Bethany thing.

-Bethany?

I thought we sorted Bethany out in the pub last night.

I really do not think it is an appropriate place for Miss Morris.

No, no, no. She wasn't with us.

No, I mean tonight.

Well, Cub Scout honour, she will be on the orange juice.

Well, just make sure that she gets safely home at an appropriate time.

Well, that's Sid's department.

Ah, Dr Carter, if you give me your keys, I can put these

leaflets in the back of your car while you have your lunch.

-Oh, I've already eaten, so let's go.

-I wanted to thank you again...

My pleasure.

It's really important that Bethany's there. She's my backup plan.

-For what?

-Well, you know, in case someone drops out.

Who's going to do that?

Well, I was thinking Ayesha might decide quizzing isn't for her.

Look, if you try and talk her out of it, I'll walk too.

Look, mate, we both think the world of her, but I don't want to put her on the spot.

I don't want to make her feel like she's failing us.

It's only supposed to be a bit of fun. That's what she needs. Look, no Ayesh, no quiz.

Wow! Is that you putting your foot down?

No, that's just me being a mate, like you should be.

Fine.

Are you sure I can't give you a lift?

The walk will do me good.

Spring is definitely in the air.

OK. How about eating out tonight? My treat.

-Yes, I'd like that very much.

-OK. I'll come and get you after work.

Yes. Good afternoon, Mrs Morgan.

-Mr Fisher. How are you?

-Oh, fine, thanks, Aadil. Yourself?

-Good. Good.

I hear you've been doing some gardening.

Well, you've got to make an effort.

You can tell your dad all the hammering's over.

I'll make a point of it.

-Wasn't that loud, was it?

-Can't say I noticed.

But Dad was praying at one point.

Can I just say something? He's not like me, he's definitely old school.

I know there's no real malice between you...

And his sense of humour has its limits?

Something like that. Mum used to oil the wheels between you.

Yeah, a bit of friction, a few sparks.

We know that's the stuff of life.

-Just go a little easy on him.

-Noted.

-Appreciate it.

I'll see you, Mr Fisher.

Aadil, I've told you before, call me Maurice.

Well, thank you all for coming.

We think this is an important opportunity and I hope you

feel that it will be worth your time. Dr Carter.

Yes, Mrs Tembe and I would like to discuss men putting off

a visit to the GP until the 11th hour.

And the consequence of that on potential diagnosis.

-And how not looking after ourselves can be very costly behaviour.

-Ha!

Ah, yes. Mr Fisher. Case in point.

It's been a while since you've graced the Mill with your presence.

Fighting fit, Dr Carter.

Certainly fighting, in my experience.

Now, I say ourselves, because as a man of a similar age,

I have succumbed to one or two of the ailments that snap at our heels.

One of our concerns is a possibility that language and culture

could be a barrier to better health checks.

So, does anyone here feel that?

What's this?

Crib sheet.

Interesting facts, news stories from the last 12 months,

-all the Oscar winners since 1927 etc, etc.

-What?

And you want us to memorise all this?

I want you to familiarise yourself with it.

This is the kind of thing which could well come up on that quiz.

These quizmasters like to think of themselves as widow makers.

This would have been more helpful than that quiz yesterday.

-Best supporting actress 1985?

-Anjelica Huston, Prizzi's Honour.

Directed by her father. Although, actually, she was awarded it in 1986.

If they want that, we'll say Dianne Wiest in Hannah And Her Sisters.

She won her second Oscar for Bullets Over Broadway in 1994,

also directed by Woody Allen.

Is Heston getting one of these, or is it just for us thickos?

Heston's all right. He's almost as smart as I am.

Right, come on. Get on it. I'm serious.

Yeah, I'll be sure to tear right through it(!)

Wow!

Do any of you search for information on the internet?

What if we were to set up a good health guide for gentlemen

over the age of 50?

Would any of you use such a resource?

How about some doctor doctor jokes?

For those of us smart enough to know laughter is the best medicine.

You know what I mean.

I think that humour can work in the same way for some as people

with a very spiritual outlook.

Not everything must be reduced to a joke.

Certainly not matters of faith.

Rubbish! If your faith is strong, nothing can undermine it.

My faith - no.

It should be an instructional part of life, not a crutch.

I think we are getting off the subject.

-And what is a garden trellis, if not a crutch for a flower?

-See?

Again, that was funny.

You're learning!

I don't follow.

You had to be there, Doc.

How can you be taken seriously, have the respect of your fellow man,

when you show no respect for your own faith and upbringing?

-Why be taken seriously?

-HE CHUCKLES

Hi. Um... I just called to say hello.

Hello, you.

And hi back.

'How's things?'

Same old.

Is everything all right? You sound a bit um...

What? Distracted?

Nervous?

Happy?

I can't stop thinking about you.

You say that like it's a bad thing.

'When can I see you?'

I thought maybe we could, you know, get a few days away.

Where are you?

Oh, I've just been shopping with Amy.

Oh. Um...

I'm sorry. If I'd known, I would never have called.

'Oh, no. It's fine.'

I've got a work meeting planned,

then why don't I pop round afterwards?

Tonight.

Great.

That is a terrible joke.

Yeah, well, the funniest part is my uncle, the Rabbi,

told me that years ago.

Really?

I'm sorry, excuse me, did you just say that your uncle is a Rabbi?

Was, bless him.

A yarmulke on his head and a twinkle in his eye.

So, the conversation between you and Mr Mafouz...?

The sparring?

Well, that's more to do with how we feel about our religions,

not the differences between them.

-There's more that you have in common than divide you.

-Well...

Good fences, Dr Carter.

Make for good neighbours?

Well, I am a Christian and I believe -

forgive us our trespasses,

as we forgive those who trespass against us.

That would depend on the nature of the trespass.

Fair point, though, Mrs Tembe.

They could use you in the Gaza Strip.

Another joke.

Age has not brought you wisdom.

-You have a large family?

-So?

I have none now.

The Holocaust saw to much of that.

My mother, she escaped through the Kindertransport.

Put on a train by her parents and sent to a strange country.

Alone.

That's, um...

Words fail me.

She survived. Millions didn't.

I took it upon myself to keep her laughing. If she didn't, she cried.

Age has brought me insight. Life is full of hazard and chaos.

Ultimately, it's all a joke. So you might as well make it a good one.

My faith is my shield to what you believe.

But then, Judaism has no concept of heaven or paradise.

-Meaning?

-Nothing comes from nothing.

All the more reason to enjoy what you have when you have it.

-Or as my religion puts it, this life, here and now!

-Oh, no.

The joke's on him.

We do have an afterlife.

Of sorts. Olam Ha-Ba.

But it has no bacon sandwiches.

Quiz alarm! Name the Booker Prize winner 2011.

-What?

-Name a village in London. Name something a farmer possesses.

Well?

-I don't know. It's something that's going to get you a slap?

-Agh!

Barnes, the answer is Barnes.

Julian Barnes, Barnes the snobby village in London,

and barn the thing that a cow sleeps in.

Come on. Focus. No nonsense celebrity magazines.

Do your homework!

And the vicar says, "Iceberg? Goldberg? You're all the same!"

-Eh?

-That was worse than last time, Mr Fisher.

-Dr Carter, I'm so sorry, but we really need to be going.

-OK.

You should come and see me.

I pick up my repeat prescription for my heart condition and I

-don't think anything's changed.

-Nonetheless.

-It is what it is.

I smoked, I drank, I lived.

I was wild. Free of the things that haunted my parents.

I think you could do with a thorough examination.

Have you noticed something different?

-We do not have to discuss it now.

-I've got no secrets.

I practically gave my whole life story to my neighbour half an

-hour ago.

-Your neighbour?

Mr Mafouz?

We've been boxing for the past 20 years, yeah.

God has a sense of humour, Mrs Tembe.

Well, mine has.

That was a useful meeting earlier, don't you think?

They're good people at the Mill.

I suppose you were still joking, long after I left.

-Laughing at me?

-If I laugh at anything, it's at life.

You make fun of me and my faith.

I used to envy you, you know?

Used to?

You had a lovely wife. Very polite to me.

You never wondered about that key in your kitchen?

-What are you talking about?

-With the smiley face key ring.

The one hanging up with all your other keys.

It was for my house. She kept it for emergencies.

You've been in my kitchen?

Well, a couple of times.

A cup of tea with your wife.

She was gracious. And serene.

"And among His signs is that He has created for you mates from

"among yourselves that you may live in tranquillity with them,

"and He has put love and mercy between you."

-Yeah.

-Did you just quote the Koran at me?

Did I?

It was just something she said, you know,

when we talked about marriage once.

You had tranquillity and love with each other.

Didn't you?

Ooh!

Oof!

-KNOCKS ON DOOR

-Mr Fisher!

Are you all right?

-Goodbye, Mrs Campbell.

-Bye-bye.

-PHONE RINGS

The Mill health centre. How may I help you?

I need to speak to Dr Carter.

'I am sorry, Dr Carter is at the campus surgery.'

Is that Mrs Tembe?

Yes. Yes, it is.

-This is Mr Mafouz. I was at your meeting this afternoon.

-Yes.

Yes, of course. Is everything all right?

'It's my neighbour. Mr Fisher.'

He has collapsed at his home.

-Have you called an ambulance?

-'No.'

Right. You need to hang up and do so straight away.

Can you get into the house and help before the paramedics arrive?

-Well...

-'Do what you can,'

Mr Mafouz. But call the ambulance straight away.

-'Emergency, which service?'

-Ambulance, please.

Oh, I'm so sorry, I know there's no-one manning reception just

now but this was the first chance I've had to grab a coffee.

-I heard the phone go. Was that an appointment?

-Er... No, no.

Actually, while you're here, I know Professor York in the

Science Department at the university and she is looking for volunteers.

And you believe in supporting research.

-I am sorry, what is it?

-It's a T-shirt.

She'd like people to wear it for a couple of nights and then reseal it back in the bag.

It's a social experiment. Something to do with gauging pheromones.

All the instructions are in the bag.

Mrs Tembe?

-Oh, I am sorry. I will see what I can do.

-Right.

Right, stay focused. Keep calm. Let's try not to look at them directly.

But if we want to psyche them out, then maybe we should look them directly in the eyes.

There we go.

Ruhma, your job is to keep bringing the drinks throughout the quiz.

-Well, I ordered them, but Bethany paid for them.

-That's very kind of her.

Yeah, I think she wants to be part of tonight.

-Good evening, folks. Are we all ready?

-Good luck, everyone!

Thanks.

OK, tonight's heat sees a meeting of medical minds.

Our returning champs, the Wisdom Teeth... CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

..playing then the team from the Mill, the Gifted Painkillers.

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

-The what?

-GPs.

Very erudite.

Right, first up, fingers on buzzers, is the picture round.

Celebrity faces. For ten points, can you name that person?

-BUZZER

-Rita Ora!

Is correct. First blood to the GPs.

CHEERING AND WHOOPING

Dad! What...? What happened? What were you doing in Maurice's house?

-Mr Mafouz...

-Mrs Tembe. Are you here to see Mr Fisher?

Well, I was a little concerned after receiving your phone call.

This is my son, Aadil.

This is Mrs Tembe from the Mill.

Do you know Mr Fisher well?

Well, I met him for the first time this afternoon.

He's a very lively and articulate man.

It is good to see that you have put your differences aside and come.

-No, I'm here because I did a terrible thing.

-Dad!

You spoke with understanding about faith.

It is my faith that compels me to be here.

In what way?

-I had a key. I could have acted faster.

-Don't torture yourself.

I was raised to think it was wrong to associate with Jewish people.

That would have been an affront to my faith if I entered their homes.

It was drummed into me, what a sin it was.

The dishonour it would bring the family.

I hesitated, and now, look.

Has there been any news on Mr Fisher's condition?

-We've been waiting, but as we're not next of kin...

-Right.

Well, I will see what I can find out.

Excuse me. A Mr Fisher was brought in earlier on today.

-BUZZER

-That's Leicester City

and the disputed trophy is Gary Lineker's underpants.

Is the right answer again from the trivia diva on Team GP.

Tyler was a massive football fan.

The dentists are giving you serious evils.

So they should.

-It's going brilliantly. Anyone for a top up?

-I'll get these.

Same again, thanks.

Bethany's very impressed.

With what? Not had one decent question yet.

It's all low brow culture and Z-list celebrities.

-Of which Ayesha knows more than the dentists so far.

-Right, next round.

The category is music.

These are questions on famous covers of classic tracks.

For goodness' sake! Might as well retire!

First up, Florence and the Machine hit the charts with which

song and who recorded the original?

-Oh, I know the song.

-BUZZER

You've Got The Love and it was by The Source with Candi Staton.

Word perfect. Ten points to Team GP.

Where are the questions on astrophysics?

Thank you very much.

I am sorry,

but Mr Fisher has passed away.

No! This is terrible!

I am so, so sorry.

If he had got help quicker, do you think he might...?

We will never know the answer to that, Mr Mafouz.

-But I understand that he did have a heart condition.

-He did.

He once told me it was proof of a life lived well.

If not wisely.

I didn't hate him. I despaired of him sometimes.

-But he was a kind man.

-Dad, you went into his home.

He got help faster than you're making out.

Is there something we could do? A ritual to be carried out?

A ceremony?

I think the Jewish custom is for the family to read a Hebrew prayer.

I will go and see the hospital chaplain.

I will be his family, until we know otherwise.

-Let's have some wine.

-Thanks.

I'm sorry about this afternoon.

If I'd known you were with Amy, I would never have called.

She wanted a jacket.

Thought she could charm me into making an impulse buy.

And did she?

-How does this happen?

-Shopping?

-No.

Suddenly, you're in the middle of something before you even

know it's begun.

In a good way.

I feel like I'm treading a dangerously thin line between

having huge doubts and not giving a damn.

Is that so bad?

Be honest.

Are you having doubts?

No more than you.

It's starting to feel real.

And it didn't before?

There's a weight to this now and that changes everything.

The reality is that I have a family.

Up until now, we've been in a bubble.

Is that bubble about to burst?

And the final results are Gifted Painkillers 275,

and Wisdom Teeth 400.

CHEERS Bad luck to the runners-up,

a roaring start but the returning champs came through.

I'd be embarrassed to win such a moronic quiz.

Well, hats off to you for ensuring it wasn't

a complete slaughter for the dentists.

-Thanks.

-I've always hated dentists.

Right. Well, that was a wasted evening. Good night.

I'm glad he's not taking it personally.

-Right, who's up for one more? Same again?

-Why not?

-Sid?

Bethany?

-I have to go. But thanks.

-Yeah, I'll catch you up.

-See you later.

Mrs Tembe made me promise that I'd get you home safely, so...

Your place or mine, Dr Vere?

No, look... I mean...

I don't want you to think...

-Bethany, you're really...

-Relax. I'm winding you up.

I mean, you're cute, but you're not THAT irresistible.

Oh. Right.

I've got a taxi booked,

but I just wanted a word with the dentists before I go.

I thought you wanted to be a doctor.

Yeah, I just want to see if I can get some more experience.

Look at those teeth.

Yeah. OK. Well, I hope that goes well for you.

I'll still expect written feedback and a reference by...Friday?

-Sure, yeah. I won't forget.

-I won't let you.

And when I've read everything,

I'll let you know if I disagree with anything.

-Sort of write you an assessment.

-OK, yeah.

-OK.

Hi. Could we have a word, please? Thanks.

-Hi. I'm Bethany.

-Nice to meet you.

This is a translation of the mourner's Kaddish.

Are you sure about this?

Dad, everything I said about our differences and how they

don't matter, reciting a Hebrew prayer might be going too far.

Aadil, please. I must do this.

-It's a big compromise.

-I have to atone for my trespass.

-If you want to leave...

-No.

I'll stay.

"Magnified and sanctified be His great name in the word which

"He has created, according to His will.

"May He establish His kingdom during your life and during your days."

"And during the life of all the house of Israel,

"even speedily and at a near time and say ye, Amen."

-BOTH:

-"May His great name be blessed forever and to all eternity."

Come on. Can't you see it?

Meeting at the airport, flying off to somewhere like,

I don't know, Paris, Berlin or Barcelona.

I'd pay.

I can't let you do that.

It's far too indulgent.

Look, there are a lot of things that are made worse by guilt.

There are also a lot of things that are made a bit better by it.

Oh, all right. What about somewhere over here then? You know...

What about the Lake District or the Cotswolds?

I haven't been there for ages.

Just somewhere where no-one knows us. Total freedom.

When you talk this way, I don't care where we go.

That settles it.

You choose.

Oh, OK. Um...

Cotswolds, definitely.

It doesn't really matter where we go because I'm not going to let

you out of the bedroom.

-Promises, promises.

-SHE CHUCKLES

-What has happened?

-Muscles...

-Are you hurt?

-Um...

Do you know, I bet your mum's feeling exactly the same.

It's a big day for her too.

-She thinks I have stolen you away.

-Not just stolen.

Bewitched.

Captivated.

-You are ruining my life!

-D-d-d-d....