Far from the Tree Doctors

FAINT BARKING

HE BREATHES HARD

HE WINCES

Oh!

KNOCK AT DOOR Mr McTavish? Are you there?

Can you get to the door?

Lenny? Do you need help?

-Yes. Give us a hand with these bags, will you?

-Not funny.

I thought something might have happened to you.

It did. I ran out of drink.

You know, if you can make it to the shops,

you might not need house calls.

Yeah. Well, you're here now, you may as well come in.

There you go.

Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho! Oh, what have you got for everybody else?

Ah! They are for sharing, as well you know.

Aw!

-Is Valerie in?

-Um...somewhere.

So, you all restored? You look great.

Thanks. Yeah, it was, um...well, fun, while it lasted.

Aw, are you not glad to be back?

Would you be?

You know, it's all blown over. I wouldn't worry about it.

Really?

Yeah. You know what this place is like,

the next bit of gossip comes along and everybody jumps on that.

It wasn't a bit of gossip, Karen.

-No, of course...

-It was very painful for everyone involved.

Oh, er...yeah, I'm sure...

And it's not some juicy titbit either for you to chew over at lunchtime.

-Yeah, I'm sorry.

-Right, I've got to get on.

How many of those are you getting through a day?

Depends on the day.

We've warned you about smoking.

Yeah, well, it gets me closer to the big bookies in the sky, doesn't it?

It gets you closer to the hospital, or a care home.

-Yuck!

-Then start listening to what we say.

HE SIGHS

Are you really sure you can look after yourself on your own?

Yeah. I got this far, didn't I?

Anyway, I didn't ask for a nanny, I asked for a nurse.

What?

You drive me to it, don't you?

BANGING ON DOOR

-Who's that?

-How should I know?

BANGING CONTINUES

Right, I'll get it, shall I?

BANGING All right! All right!

-In.

-What?!

-In.

-You can't do that!

What do YOU want? I have no money.

I put the request to you personally,

weeks in advance, as per the agreement.

Dr Carmichael, I have a lot to manage, day in, day out.

I cannot be expected to remember every little detail.

-Good thing we keep minutes, then.

-Which I am searching through.

-And?

-Well, I'm afraid I cannot find any record of it.

-Seriously?!

-Are you sure you mentioned it at the partners' meeting?

Yes, I am quite sure.

Just as I am quite sure the application window has now closed

and the course will not start again for another six months, thank you!

I'm sure it was just a misunderstanding.

How do we stop this from happening again?

I was thinking that perhaps we can get somebody in to take the minutes

so we can safeguard against this sort of thing happening again.

Well, that would be a great idea. It would avoid further confusion.

Have anyone in mind?

And how soon can they start?

MRS TEMBE SIGHS

You haven't got any food.

You leave them!

No, you don't.

I've got other patients to see, you know!

People are going to start wondering where I am.

I know you, don't I?

Huh! It's that mouth of yours.

You're older now, but you're still as gobby.

You're Bren's kid, aren't you?

Yeah. I remember you, too.

We had our telly nicked once, my mum came to you.

I bet you I got it back.

Put the kid that nicked it in hospital. None of us asked for that.

HE WINCES

It's not going to get better on its own, you know.

Just as well I've got a nurse here, then, isn't it?

Why are you here, anyway? Is he sick?

Sick of you, aye.

Just leave him alone!

Give it a rest, lassie.

There's nothing he can do to me that he hasn't done already.

He's my son, isn't he?

Listen, I...I wasn't trying to...

No, I know. I'm sorry I snapped at you.

Nobody's talking about you... any more.

Even Valerie?

-Um...

-Mm.

Come on, then, what have I missed?

What is hot gossip and who has knocked me off the top slot?

Well, um... Did you hear about Daniel?

Yeah, Sid told me. Awful. How is he?

Well...he seems OK.

That is a doctor's worst nightmare.

And then there's Al.

Yeah. How's he doing?

Weird.

Well, that's Al, I suppose.

And grief does strange things.

Weird how?

No, you're right. I'm sorry, we shouldn't gossip.

He's spying on his mum.

-What?

-He's brought her up here,

he's watching her with secret cameras.

That's not right, is it?

Er...

You didn't hear it from me.

Can I just say what an honour this is

and thank Mrs Tembe for the opportunity?

Oh. Well, that is, er...that is quite all right. Now...

Did you know when you asked me

that I'm actually related to Sir Isaac Pitman?

Distantly, of course.

I found out on one of those online ancestry things.

Well, no, no, I did not...

Obviously, I didn't learn shorthand from him. He was dead.

And it's not a genetic thing, it's not hereditary.

No, I went to evening classes for that.

-Sorry, can we just get on?

-Yes, of course.

It's really important that you get everything down.

-Time off and holidays in particular.

-Yes, absolutely.

What did I just say? It started with, "It's an honour..."

We can keep those comments off the record.

You do not have to write everything down.

-We haven't started yet.

-Yes, of course.

Shall we count in? After three?

One...two...three.

This isn't going to help much. I can't treat you here.

Just do what you can.

Get yourself over to the hospital, you idiot.

Take whatever trouble you're in with you. I don't want it here.

Didn't know he was my dad, then, eh?

Changes things, doesn't it?

Mr McTavish is still my patient. It doesn't change that.

No?

Did you never hear stories about my old man? Your mum knew him.

She never tell you what Lenny did?

She heard I raised a big baby. Got himself stabbed, eh?

So, are you going to tell us who did it, then?

No!

I know you're in there! It's not over! Do you hear me?!

Unfortunately, there has been a complaint made against Dr Vere.

Dr Granger, you have something to add?

Well, the whole thing's ridiculous.

I can't believe we're even going to discuss it.

A patient has made an official complaint

and it is up to us to take it seriously.

What was the complaint?

Dr Vere was whistling the tune to a television programme

and the patient felt that it was...

well, that it was a joke at his expense.

-Which patient?

-Mr Glenn.

-What theme tune?

-One Foot In The Grave.

Priceless!

Look, we all know that Sid's head is in the cloud half the time.

There was no way he was making a joke at anyone's expense.

It's just another pointless attack on us.

Mr Glenn was very upset.

Mr Glenn is an ass.

Oh, excuse me,

are you spelling that A-S-S, like donkey, or is that A-R-S...?

I do not think that is important!

I just want to make sure I get it right.

It should not be on the record!

Miss Pitman, please, just use your common sense.

He didn't say. You didn't say.

Can you just strike Dr Granger's remarks from the records, please?

Should I make a record of you asking me to strike his comments from the record?

You can come out now,

or you can wait until the boys turn up and we'll settle it then!

-It's up to you!

-BANGING

Just give me my phone back and let me call for help.

Is that who stuck you, then, Rory?

-HE CHUCKLES

-Really?

I was expecting it to be the Rooneys, or the Dukes at least.

-Shut it.

-Oh, that brings a smile to my face.

Well, don't say I never give you anything.

You can't stay here, we need to get you to hospital.

Ah, stop going on about hospitals and phones and ambulances.

It's not going to happen.

I've put the word out. My boys will come and get me.

HE CHUCKLES

So just shut up and wait.

I should let him in, have a family reunion, eh?

Aye. You dare.

The apple doesn't fall far from the tree, does it?

No, it doesn't. You saw to that.

Hold on.

That's your kid?

Huh! Whole rotten clan.

-Is that fudge?

-Mm. It's like eating pure butter.

-Huh!

-Look, I'm sorry I haven't had a chance to ask you about your mum.

How she's doing?

You'll have to ask her that yourself.

Oh, well, how's she coping living in Letherbridge?

I'm sure she's loving it.

Right. Er...well, what about you?

HE SIGHS What about me?

How are you?

Emma, I'm same old.

Except now I've got all this new rubbish piled on top of me

and I've got no-one to help me with it because I'm an only child.

And she won't talk to me, she says she wants her privacy.

So I've got to try and decipher that all on my own.

As if I've got time for it!

-But you've got time to spy on her?

-What?!

Hang on a minute, let me get this straight.

Her husband dies, you uproot her, spy on her

and now you've got the audacity to complain that she wants her privacy!

Here she is, Gobby McHollins.

Little Miss Gossip 2017.

He alone?

He sent somebody to find another way in.

Well, he won't find one, unless he comes up the plughole.

HE COUGHS

When was the last time you ate something?

Oh, let me see, um...what year is it?

You'll not find anything in this house except warm beer.

If you keep this up, I'm going to be the only one who walks out of here.

How long do you reckon you can keep me here for?

How long do you think it's going to be until you pass out?

How did it happen, eh?

It's not a good feeling, is it?

Knife in the back, really.

And you're wondering how it will look to everyone else.

How you can come back from this.

You could try and run for it, but word would get around.

(Coward!)

Give it a rest.

Well, I'd like to know why I'm stuck here, as well, so spit it out.

He was just supposed to mind things.

Keep an eye on business while I was inside.

-Jumped-up...

-But he didn't want to give it back, did he?

I went to have words.

Well, looks like he got a word in edgeways.

HE CHUCKLES

How is any of this funny?

It's not just funny, it's poetic!

What goes around comes around. Right, laddie?

You had your chance.

I should feed you to the lions, shouldn't I?

Let the lad in, ask if I can watch.

HE SIGHS

This isn't a zoo, Al!

We're not all here for you to watch and experiment on.

What are you going to do, write a paper on it?

-Of course not. Don't be ridiculous!

-It is already ridiculous!

-You don't know the half of it!

-I'm glad I don't! Imagine if your mother knew!

I don't have to explain myself to you, or to you, or to anybody.

She is my mother and I know what's best for her.

You are as bad at relating to your family

as you are to the rest of us!

Let me ask you something, have you ever managed to relate to anyone?

A-hem! I can hear every word you're saying,

which means that the patients can hear it, too.

And I don't think this is the sort of conversation

you should be having at any time, let alone at work.

-I'm sorry...

-Not really interested, Emma.

Has anyone seen Ayesha? I haven't heard from her.

OK. Er...welcome back, Emma.

I would pay you to get me out of the next one of those.

-Good meeting?

-Ooh, yes, I should say so.

Oh, and don't worry too much about that little business, it's all being taken care of.

Er...what...what business?

Well, obviously, I can't really go into it,

the meeting is strictly confidential,

but rest assured, it'll be on the agenda until it's over.

Right. So I will type this all up

and then I will file it under a deceptively-boring file name,

like, Parking Regulations or Plumbing.

-Er...why?

-In case anyone goes looking for them.

Well, er...confidentiality is of the utmost importance,

but, er...just save it somewhere where I can find it.

-Perhaps under today's date?

-What about the snoopers?

What snoopers?

Edward Snowden and the Wiki-people.

Look, just save it as normal.

Oh, I was also thinking...

Well, I really have to go. I will see you tomorrow.

-You both think I deserve it, right?

-You bet.

No. But you can't be surprised, can you?

What else was I supposed to be - a doctor(?)

Why not?

Because on Sundays,

when you were meant to help me with my homework,

I followed you around the estate,

watching you take money off grocers, bakers and the rest.

That was my school.

-I was providing.

-Huh!

The whole point was to make sure you didn't have to go through all of that.

Good job(!)

I didn't like it.

And after all that, you turned on me, anyway.

The whole thing was a waste of time.

Well, nobody feels sorry for you.

You caused a lot of hurt and you made me like this, so here we are.

Oh! Don't look at me like that.

-You've met my mum.

-Course I have.

Then you know what she's like. I get it.

It's hard to turn things around.

But I don't see either of you trying.

So if I'm going to be stuck here with the both of you,

you can shut up blaming each other.

Just shut up complaining!

I like you. Huh!

All this time, I've been thinking you're the grumpy, boring thing.

Come on, idiot, there must be some way we can get her out of this.

It's not her fight.

I'm tired of waiting, do you hear?!

You hand him over, or I smoke the lot of you out!

-Here we are, OK? Well, er...take care.

-Thank you.

Um...Valerie?

Sidney.

You know what? It's nothing. Forget about it.

No, go on. What is it?

Well, um...you know this partners' meeting,

I know it's all confidential and hidden in your minutes...

Yes. Well...not all of it.

Not all of it?

Well, your name came up, but that was mostly off the record.

Mind you, that's off the record, so you probably shouldn't know that.

Mind you, given some of the things that Daniel was saying,

I'd say that's a good thing.

Oh! I've probably said too much already.

Loose lips sink ships.

Anyway, your 11.50's here.

OK, um...one minute.

I'll give you until the count of ten. One!

I'm going to try and talk to him.

-Don't!

-Two!

-No.

I'm not just sitting here and letting this happen.

-It's stupid, and I've had enough.

-Three!

I'll go. You're Churchill, it's my job to protect you.

-That's stupid, too.

-He's my kid.

It's my fault we're here.

-No, you just stay where you are.

-Four!

Just stay out of the way until it's done.

No, come on, let's put our heads together.

-No.

-We haven't even tried.

My boys aren't coming, Dad.

-It's just me.

-Five!

I'm sorry I turned on you, Pop.

-You didn't know any better.

-Six!

Wait! Wait!

Seven!

This is not your mess, son.

Eight! Nine!

Well, come in.

Leave the dog outside and wipe your feet.

Now, no exerting yourself.

I think it's mad enough you going into work at all today.

Yeah, well, I was getting a little restless.

And it is about time I went back to work, and it is only part-time.

Selfless to a fault.

You know, it's not going to vanish just because you're not there.

Well, sometimes I am not so sure.

You know, there was a time

that someone tried to ruin my reputation at The Mill

and run the place into the ground.

Oh, I'm sorry, I shouldn't joke about that.

Oh, no, no, no. No, no, no, it is fine.

I need to talk about it, and I also need to learn from it.

And that's how you beat them.

I have no interest in beating them, but I see your point.

If you ask me, people like that make you stronger and smarter.

If he tried to run you down, he's failed. Spectacularly.

But don't overdo it.

If there's anything I'm mindful of these days,

it's making sure that my work/life balance is exactly that, balanced.

That is an admirable sentiment, Mr Gupta.

Please, call me Charles.

None of you have anything I want.

There's no deal.

I did this to my dad, yeah?

So, what do you think I could do to either of you?

I know a few things.

You might come out on top here,

but I will make sure you suffer for it.

Pfft! No chance.

You know your history.

-You know what I did before it was your turn.

-Maybe.

But this is between me and him.

But it started with me.

And I am telling you, you let the girl go

and we sort out the rest between us.

Nobody goes nowhere until I say.

Will you please just listen to me?

He's your dad, and I don't care what's gone on between you,

but if we don't get him to a hospital, he's going to die!

Well, maybe I want him to die!

Right, that is it. This has gone on long enough

and I will be damned if this will carry on for another day!

Grandad, you don't get to give the orders any more.

Oh, right. You're the boss now. OK.

So, how do you handle it when the police come knocking?

Who's going to talk?

It's the police, idiot.

Unless you give them the story,

they go off and dig up a whole load of mess. Is that what you want?

Who are you calling idiot?

The both of you.

You never earned what I did.

You just never put in the thought.

You just think you can get by on the family name and your fists.

But what do you know, eh?

What have you ever learned about a business, about the law?

Now, just shut up and listen, eh?

You both want out of this, don't you?

And she doesn't think I can last any longer on my own, anyway,

so it's a win/win, if you want it.

Me in prison.

Him in hospital.

Second chance for you.

Dad, no.

I started this, I'll finish it.

Oh!

Yeah.

But what about her?

Well, after that, I decided to bake my own in the future.

So you should.

Well, I, for one, would love to try your Bundt cake.

Thank you.

I'm sorry if I'm moving too fast.

No. No, no, it is fine.

Look, it might not be my place to say it,

but I think we've both had...

That might make this a bit of a minefield.

I've been burned,

and I don't really know how to come back from that,

but I know I want to.

I don't want to be stuck in the past.

I'd rather look to the future.

Yes, well, sometimes the past is not always so easy to dismiss.

It will always be there.

I'm sorry. This is not where I saw lunch going.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Yeah?

Hi.

I owe you an apology.

Look, we both know that I've had things going on, and, um...

Do you know what, that's no excuse.

I had no right to judge you and...I really am sorry.

What? This isn't funny!

No, it's not.

It's a million, million miles from funny.

Thank you, Emma.

I needed someone to tell it like it is.

Cut through the ridiculous sensitivity.

-Really?

-Yeah.

Karen tried, but, er...it was you that went and got the job done.

Hm!

I don't know what I'm doing.

Not with Mother.

I never have.

And everybody is, like, treading on eggshells around me

and I cannot stand it!

-I really didn't mean to upset you.

-It's fine.

Actually, you helped.

You see, I've had a think...

..and it's high time that Mother went home.

She should deal with things the way that she needs to.

That sounds like a good idea.

Yeah?

Yeah.

-And you?

-Me?

Will you be OK?

Yeah. When am I not?

Mm.

-Are you all right?

-Long day.

Yeah. We can talk down the station, if you want to get out of here.

No, it's fine.

-Did you see the attack?

-No.

What were they talking about while you were stuck in there?

Tav debated whether to go to hospital or not

and Lenny talked about handing himself in.

Nobody else involved?

I mean, why would he stab his own son and then hand himself in?

-Why does anyone do anything?

-Well, yeah.

Do you believe that he stabbed his own son?

They're a messed-up family.

Thanks, Ayesha. I'll be in contact if I need anything else.

Did they believe it, Grandad's lie?

Who knows? Maybe.

Why did they do it? How does it even help them?

You need to work that one out for yourself.

They've given you a second chance.

If you want to get out of this for good, then that's up to you.

But I never want to see any of you ever again.

Thank you.

I really hoped lunch might give us a chance to relax,

but I think it's done the exact opposite.

-I'm really sorry.

-No. No, you should not apologise.

No, you are right.

We should spend our time looking to the future, not the past.

Talking of future,

I should let you have the rest of your afternoon back.

You do know that I like spending time with you, Mr...

Charles.

Very much.

And I, er...I would very much like to see you again.

Well...I was thinking about inviting you

to the Vale Literary Festival this weekend,

if it's not too keen of me?

I would like that very much.

-Really?

-Hm. Yes.

Here's to moving forwards.

Why would you book something like that without running it by me?!

Because I got a good price.

Because it's winter! Joe will get frostbite!

I couldn't put this one down.

-You have read it?

-Oh, yeah. I loved it!

Especially all the parts... Sorry, spoilers.

Once I'm your patient, you're not allowed to talk about me to anyone.

Is that right?

There's nothing wrong with you, is there?