11/03/2012 EastEnders

Come on, Lauren, I ain't a charity.

If you want paying, get yourself down the car lot.

Dad, there's more to life than work, you know.

-I'll remind you when you're complaining about pay.

-Mum needs someone there.

No, darling, I'll be fine.

Go on. Those cars ain't going to flog themselves, are they?

Don't slam the door. Oscar's still sleeping.

What time's the nurse coming?

Any minute now.

-Want me to stay?

-No, no, course not. I'll be fine.

-See you.

-OK.

Right, you round up the peasants, I'll book that khazi.

I want an open bar, full catering, the works. And maybe, like, a little private area,

-to keep the riff-raff out.

-Showing off? Like your style.

No, it's just a public declaration of our love.

-Oh, yeah...

-Showing off's just a bonus.

And can you make sure that Alfie doesn't charge us?

Because I might be rich, but I still like a bargain.

You throwing crockery again?

Stupid thing flew out of my hand.

Or maybe something else was on your mind.

You know, the sooner you do something about this, the better.

That money is cursed.

Why would it be cursed?

Because everything that that man touched turned to poison.

-Tam and Afia need to know.

-It's like he's still here. Watching. Manipulating.

Zainab... just do this one last thing.

Then we can put him in the past, where he belongs.

Put the kettle on, darling. I'm gasping.

Mum, you can't be here.

I want a cuppa, not a kidney.

-Couldn't you have one at home?

-I can't.

Dot and Rose are having another stand-off about who bought the last box of teabags.

It's like living in a French & Saunders sketch.

Have one at the cafe and I'll meet you.

-Anyone'd think you were trying to get rid of me.

-I am.

Hello? Tanya?

Hello. Would you give me a minute? Mum, you have to go.

Who's this then?

This is my nurse.

Jacqui Aspinall. Hello.

Hello. Cora Cross. Tanya's mother.

Nice to meet you.

Is this about next week's scan?

Yeah.

Right, Jacqui, sit down.

We need to talk about some other things, Mum. Personal things.

Oh, right. Bedroom stuff.

Mum, could you just go to the...?

Now, you girls make yourselves comfortable.

I'm going to put the kettle on.

We spent the whole weekend in luxury.

Chocolates, champagne, Jacuzzi. Barely even left the hotel room.

Can't believe you're going to be a Moon.

Oh, no way I'm giving up the Butcher name again.

-Not for anyone.

-Save changing it back in six months though.

What a dark and cynical world you must live in.

Come to the engagement party and we'll turn your frown upside down.

-I can't, Janine. I've got the kids.

-OK, well, get Carol to take them to the cinema.

No excuses.

Cheers. Better be free drink though, eh?

Oh, free drinks, catering, the whole lot. I'll see you at seven.

Free drinks?

Yes, I am in.

You working?

Well, I've got a splitting headache. Didn't get much sleep.

-Not surprised. You not up for a big night out then?

-Er, yes! Hello? Manic Mondays!

No, Janine's engagement party tonight at the Vic.

All right. Well, we'll go in there, get all the free drink, and then go to R&R. I'll get Lucy involved.

Oi, doll? Pass the sugar, will you?

Ta.

Sounds all right, don't it? We can make a night of it.

You don't even know Janine, Mum. Anyway, you're not drinking.

I can have an orange juice.

How many times? I'm taking the pills. I am clean.

Now stop worrying about me and focus on keeping Mr Moneybags happy.

He is happy. We're fine.

But the clock is ticking, Mand.

And one day, those rose-coloured specs are going to fog right up.

-Michael Moon, having a baby and getting married!

-Must be in one of them parallel universes.

-Janine's a bit high maintenance.

-So's he.

-This one's on the house.

-Congratulations. Just leave a few quid behind the bar though, yeah?

-Nice one.

-That's why he's doing it.

-He's going to knock her off and take her money.

-Seven o'clock, yeah?

-Yeah.

-Lovely.

That's when the little hand's on the seven.

All right, Max, what can I get you?

You ain't seen Roxy, have you? She wanted to talk to me about a motor.

-No chance, mate. She's taken Amy away on holiday for a week.

-Oh, right.

-Listen, how's the missus?

-Yeah, she's got the final scan next week.

But hopefully she'll get the all-clear.

Give her my love, yeah? If I see Rox, I'll tell her to give you a call.

No, s'all right. Don't worry.

Max is pinning all his hopes on it. They all are.

The truth is... I don't even want to go.

It may be good news.

Even if it is, it's not going to make everything normal again, is it?

There is no normal any more.

Everything's changed.

With Max, I used to be...

really...

We were a physical couple.

Now it's like...

It's like I'm faulty or something.

It's not easy to resume a sexual relationship after treatment.

He tries to be understanding. But I can see it.

I can see him blaming me. And hating himself for it.

Forget about Max for a moment. Tell me what you want.

It's the last thing I feel like doing.

I've seen lots of women in your position, Tanya. And I've found the best way forward

is for both partners to sit down

and have an open and frank discussion.

Talk to Max. Then take your time.

Only do what you feel comfortable with.

And if he's got a problem with that, send him to me.

I've got a nice pair of scissors that'll solve everything.

Biscuit?

What's that?

It's an envelope.

Read it.

It's Dad's inheritance.

Your father and I have been talking. About what to do with it.

Bin it.

It's a lot of money.

Find a really large bin.

We were thinking that maybe you two should have it.

Us?

Yes. You've been through so much.

I don't want anything from that man.

Afia? What do you think?

I don't know.

Something good has got to come out of all this, all right?

You can do whatever you like with it.

Trust me, a round-the-world trip or a real-life TARDIS...

it's not going to make up for what happened.

I'll talk to him. We'll think about it.

No, we won't.

Can we at least discuss it?

-No.

-Maybe they're right.

I don't want his money.

Maybe he owes you.

How many times, Afia? No.

You see? That money's toxic.

A night out. That's what you need.

We've got Oscar.

I'll look after Oscar. Nice meal, a couple of bottles of good wine.

Everything'll look better.

-Tan?

-In here.

Hello, mate. All right, Cora?

-You all right?

-Yeah.

-Nurse been?

-Yeah. All fine.

Yeah, good.

-You ain't seen Lauren, have you?

-She's not here.

Probably skiving off with Lucy.

Forget about Lauren.

Give your wallet a refill. You're taking Tanya out.

I thought we could, um... have a meal. Just the two of us.

Yeah. Sounds lovely. Leave it to me, I'll sort it out.

Great.

See? You don't need no nurse's advice.

Not when you got your old mum.

Oh, here they are - the soon-to-be happy couple. Mr and Mrs Moon.

Fat chance, Alfie. Think you'll find she's keeping her own name.

-Mr and Mrs Butcher, then.

-Can we have some champagne, please, Alfie?

-Coming up, sweetheart.

-Sorry. I should've told you.

-Yeah, you should.

Is it a problem?

I've got plenty of time to change your mind.

-Oh, I love a man with confidence.

-Then you're going to love me.

-We'll see about that.

-Where's the champagne?

-Oh, I hate doing this.

I can never get the cork out. And then when I do it just sprays everywhere.

Give it to me, give it to me. Not sure how Kat'll feel about Janine being in the family.

-Don't expect me to buy her a Christmas present.

-Yeah, I'm thinking maybe, what - Dalmatians?

Janice? What's with the rope?

It's a VIP section.

Janine, hope you've been stashing your cash, darling.

That ain't love in his eyes. It's pound signs.

For your information, Michael and I have an arrangement. This has nothing to do with money.

-What sort of arrangement?

-What, like a pre-nup?

Yeah, she's not getting her hands on my pension.

-That's not very romantic, is it, eh?

-Practical, though.

Hey! Another glass of champagne for Kimberley, please.

I wouldn't make you sign a pre-nup.

If we were married, I'd share everything.

What, like your junk shop?

-Oh, babe, I was only joking.

-It is a nice junk shop.

Yeah, I know. This is lovely.

Come on, let's duck back there.

I'll give you an access-all-areas tour.

-It's your brother's engagement.

-So? He won't care. Go on.

No.

-This better not be just lemonade.

-I told Jean it was for Kim. It's vodka.

Nice one.

Dad just reckons Michael's marrying her for the money.

-Meanwhile, he's got Mandy living under his roof.

-And her mum.

Don't start. Tonight is all about having fun. Until tomorrow, nothing else matters. Yeah?

-Cheers to that.

-Yeah, cheers.

Where are you going?

Going out. I scrub up all right, don't I?

Oh, don't look like that. I won't touch a drop.

Mum, why don't you just stay with me and we'll watch telly?

Do me a favour.

When there's a pub full of blokes out there?

-Anyway, I've got my eye on that postman.

-Mandy?

-Yeah?

-Couldn't come and give us a hand, love, could you?

-In the chippy?

We're out of soft drinks. Need somebody to get some. It's going to be carnage in there tonight.

I would, but I'm a bit worried about Mum. The minute my back's turned,

she's going to be down the Vic on the lash.

I can hear you. And I won't.

-I don't trust her.

-You're going to have to start sometime.

I will wait here until you get back, OK?

Then you can come with me. Keep your distance.

I don't want you cramping my style.

Please?

All right. Mum, look - just wait here, yeah? I won't be long.

Oi! That was mine.

All right, chill out. It's a free bar. Get another one.

-Alfie?

-Yes, darling?

-Hi.

Can I have a vodka cranberry, please?

-OK, come on, darling, you know I can't serve you alcohol.

-Will you get me one?

Why don't I get you a soft drink, yeah?

No, you're all right.

Well, we're ditching this for Manic Mondays anyway. You up for it?

Nah. Better stay with the family.

Come on, it's boring here. Let's bring those pecs somewhere else.

Lauren?

Oh, come here. I'm only joking. You coming?

No, I'm going to stay here.

Oh, right... Fatboy's DJing.

-I know. I'm fine.

-Your loss.

Unless you want to lose a clump of that nice hair, get out my way.

All right.

Are you one of Janine's mates? If not, you have to stay that side and pay for your own drinks.

It's all right, doll. Me and Janine, we go way back.

Yes, please...

Let's get out of here. It's prozzie o'clock.

-You know that's Mandy's mum.

-What, the alky?

40 years of drinking, that's what you'll look like.

Yeah? Well, remind me to pick up some moisturiser then.

-Can you say something, please?

-Table two need more water.

Really mature(!)

I just want things to go back to how they were before.

How? You got that real-life TARDIS stashed in the kitchen?

-That money could help us.

-If you do, I wouldn't mind going back and finding out who shot JFK.

-After we've stopped Jedward's parents meeting.

-Tam!

-You having the tandoori again?

-Yeah. Korma?

-Dunno why we bother looking.

-Go somewhere else if you want?

-No, it's fine. It's fine.

Did you manage to get hold of Lauren?

No. She's not answering her phone.

She's probably worried, that's all.

-Skiving off ain't going to help, is it?

-Go easy on her, please. For me.

So...what did the nurse say?

Maybe you should... just try Lauren again, will you?

-Check and see if she's all right.

-Yeah.

Aagh! It's my dad. I wish he'd take the hint.

-Maybe you shouldn't bunk off work?

-Work is not everything, Lucy.

My mum worked hard for years and look what good that's done her.

What's the point if you can't just have a little bit of fun,

d'you know what I mean? Same again, please.

Take it easy. You just got here.

The drinks are two pound for the next ten minutes. Oh, shots! We should get some shots!

-I can't, man.

-What? Come on, Fats.

-Excuse me, three shots, please. The Terminator ones.

-Nah, babe. I can't, man. I need this job.

-Less work, more play.

-Yeah, but play ain't going to pay the bills, sweetie, OK?

That's why you'll be single for the rest of your life.

Thanks, babe(!)

-Fats! I was joking.

-Nah, nah, it's all right. It's cool.

Bit harsh.

Oh, well. More for us then, innit.

That's what happens when married couples stop communicating.

-Sitting in restaurants with nothing to say.

-They're not married.

-Yeah, but you know what I mean.

-Afia, we are communicating.

-You think this money's going to solve everything?

-It might.

Anyway, I'm tired. I'm going to call it a night.

I'll get someone to cover.

No rush.

Well, I'll come home when I can, yeah?

So, you going to tell me what the nurse said?

I just wanted us to have a nice meal without having to worry about all that stuff.

She said it might be a while

before I can...do anything.

That's all right. It's all good.

-Nurse's orders.

-Yeah.

Sorry. I know it's a bit weird at the moment.

Well, once the scan's out the way, things'll get easier, won't they?

Next week's going to be a fresh start.

For us, Lauren,

the whole family.

Better days ahead.

Better days.

MUSIC BLARES

-Lucy! What?

-Come sit down.

-I don't want to sit down.

-Just for a minute.

-What d'you think you're doing?

-Lucy, now look what you've done.

-If you can't handle your drink, go somewhere else, eh?

-Oh, I can handle it.

-Lauren, no...

-See?

-I'm really sorry.

-All right. Keep that one.

Thank you. Thank you, sir.

-Maybe we should go home.

-What? No! We're having fun.

-It's not fun anymore, Lauren.

-That's your problem, always has been.

-Always been a bit uptight, ain't you?

-Right. Come on, let's go.

-I can smell chips. Can you?

-No.

I want some chips.

-I'm going to get Fatboy. We're going to take you home. All right?

-Has he got chips?

Just stay there.

Mum?

Mum?

Mum?

Two quid's worth, please.

-Lauren, there's a queue.

-They don't mind. Sorry, I'm hungry.

We're all hungry. That's why we're queuing.

£4.60, please, Kim.

Oh, mate!

Get that for me, please, babe.

If I bend down in this dress, all hell will break loose.

Lauren! You can't come round here. Back round the other side.

-Ian, I'm hungry.

-I don't care. There's a queue. Thank you.

Lauren!

You having a good time?

Yeah.

D'you want a better one?

Excuse me. Can you get out of the VIP section?

Like, now!

Jean! I don't know who half of these people are.

I let 'em in.

You are meant to be policing the rope, Jean!

I'm not a policewoman. And I'm not your lackey.

Billy, can you please help me

-get all these people the other side of that rope?

-Who? Which ones?

Use your brain and cross-check them off the guest list.

I can see who wears the trousers at yours.

Can you just go home, strange woman?

Before somebody steals your cardboard box.

Mum? What are you doing?

I'm just letting me hair down, all right?

-I knew I couldn't trust you. Can't leave you alone for five seconds.

-Smell it. Go on, smell it.

It's lemonade. All right?

-Can't bear to see me have a good time, can you?

-Come on, we're going home.

Lauren's gone.

Gone where?

Dunno. She got hammered and did a runner. Fatboy's looking for her. We need your help.

Very classy.

Where are the parents? That's what you gotta ask yourself, innit?

Probably on their own bender, ain't they?

Tan. Not our problem.

-Baby, wake up for me, please.

-I said she couldn't handle it.

If you're not going to help, move, yeah? Baby, you all right?

Can you open your eyes for me? Come here, baby, it's OK.

It's all right. Breathe. Luce? I've found her, babe.

Michael.

Needed to get out of there. Doing my brains in.

I've been watching you.

Creepy.

Do you love her?

Do you actually love that woman?

Getting married to her, ain't I?

She's dangerous.

That's why everyone's whispering behind your back. They're judging you.

I don't care what those no-marks think.

You're a better liar than me.

Living in someone else's shadow can be hard work.

You can lose yourself sometimes.

That won't happen to me.

Every time you see that scar on her stomach, think about what she's capable of.

She did that to herself.

She twists people until they start thinking, saying, doing stuff

that even in their worst nightmares they wouldn't think possible.

I'm a big boy, Jean.

I can look after myself.

If Carol comes back and finds her like that, she's going to lose it.

-She can't go home like this.

-Not on her back. In case she's sick.

-Great(!)

-I'll get a bucket.

I hope you're happy now, Lucy.

I didn't think she'd end up like this!

You know what, I'm going to get her some water, all right?

We'll sober her up and take her home when her parents are asleep.

Whitney, can you help Lucy find some towels, please? Whitney?

-Just...give me minute, all right?

-Babe?

-You coming in, babe?

-Yeah. Only be a sec.

-Max! Max!

It's, um...it's Lauren.

There's a boyband on TV living like cavemen for a week if you want to pour scorn?

Sure.

Get your comfy gear on then, I'll make some tea.

Tam...I don't want to fight about the money.

I just thought maybe it could help.

You grassed?!

She needs help!

-You should've looked out for her!

-I'm not her mother!

-She's going to hate you for this.

-At least she'll be alive.

First of all, thank you very much for coming.

I'm sure there are plenty of opinions in this room tonight.

But it seems to me the only opinion that really matters are Janine's and mine.

We're not stupid. We know what we're getting into. It's not going to be easy.

It's not the safe option. But we don't want that.

We don't want safe. We want...sparks.

And danger.

And surprises.

So if you're ready...

..for sparks...

..and surprises...

..just say you are.

I'm ready.

Good.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

It was Lauren in the gutter. And we just left her there.

I know.

Better days? They're coming, right?

Yeah.

You're up early. Busy day?

Have you decided what you're going to do yet with your father's money?

I don't think it's going to happen.

Do what you want with it.

You swore you wouldn't do this.

Is that it? Is that everything?

-Someone must have spiked me.

-They were forcing vodka down your throat?

I've had enough of this. Just get upstairs. You're grounded.

-Mum!

-Get upstairs now!

-What?

You're treating me like a kid and I'm old enough to do what I want.

Come on, you. Come on, let's go.

I'm all right here, thanks.

No, no. You can't sleep here. Not again anyway. Come on. Let's go.

Zainab?

Yes. Me - Zainab. You - Kim. Now come on.

You know what, Zainab? You're a good woman, you know.

Thank you.

But you chose a very bad man.

-Masood's not so bad.

-No, not him. Yusef, you know.

-Here, I got a new name for you lot.

-Us lot?

Yeah. The Masoods, yeah? Listen, right, check it out.

Th...Badmoods.

KIM CRACKS UP LAUGHING

I don't think what happened to our family is any laughing matter.

-Do you?

-Oh no, no, I'm not saying that it is, right.

But I always see one of you lot walking around like that.

You see?

Listen - the man's dead. Yeah? You got to move on.

Me and Denise, we got to look at that place every single day.

-And we're still trying.

-Well, I can't.

So just throw out everything that reminds you of him, innit.

I have. Apart from that cursed inheritance, of course.

Oh, yeah? How much is that?

I'm going to give it all away, Kim.

Thank you so much, and I promise you it will go to a good place,

I promise you that.

Well, you're welcome.

-What are you doing?

-He won't notice three missing.

You obviously don't know Ian very well.

I got a tip. I'll pay it back when I get my winnings, all right?

-That all you want it for?

-Yes. I'm not boozing.

Flaming tablets would make me puke, wouldn't they?

Right. I thought maybe later we'd go down the housing. See what they got.

Subtle as a kick in the teeth girl, ain't you, girl?

I'm fine here, thanks.

All right, ladies?

What you lost?

Wallet. I can't seem to find it.

SHE WHISPERS: You left it upstairs.

-The Badmoods?

-Yes. How dare she? So, we give this money away.

That's not going to help my mood.

At a Khatam, we pray for a fresh start, we bring the family together

and we do what we can to heal them.

Can we just kidnap someone else's family?

Masood, don't. Everyone has noticed.

No, we have to pray for forgiveness

and we need to beg for a fresh start.

Could you please book the mosque and make sure that everyone knows?

We are in debt, you know, Zainab. And what about Tam and Afia?

Blessings will be far more important to Tamwar and Afia than money ever will be.

Now if you don't mind, I have a meal to prepare, all right.

Now can you please just book the mosque?

Put that down!

What?!

So was Zainab saying she's actually going to give us the money?

As good as.

So what did she say?

Something about it going to a good place.

Trust me, it is in the bag.

She's going to help out her homegirls. You watch.

Here, get a full English. Treat yourself.

D'you know what? I think I will.

Yeah, man.

So who's going to look after the restaurant

while we're at the mosque?

-Tam.

-What?

-Who's going to look after the restaurant?

-Fat Boy.

No way. There were two complaints last week.

He took the mickey out of a guy for ordering a korma.

He asked him if he was a wuss.

We're not going to be gone long - three covers, tops.

I could get that Ali?

Mr Cheekbones? You'd like that.

-What did you say?

-I said no, there's no need.

-No?

-No.

-So that's it? Debate over?

OK, Mr Hollis, that sounds acceptable.

We have a deal.

Thank you.

Well? Spill it then.

Three.

Hundred?

Thousand.

Yes! Oh, my God, amazing! You superstar.

Next we could get our own little store.

Or maybe even a classier range. or what about a little boutique?

-It'd be amazing. You're amazing.

-All right, stud?

Why didn't you tell me?

Because then it wouldn't have been a surprise, would it?

I missed you.

-I'm not interrupting work, am I?

-No, no, no. We're finished.

Oh. Right, well I'll go and sort out the contract then.

Oh, and I'll see you at the Khatam. Bye.

The what?

Oh, it's this religious ceremony thing. Prayer at dad's mosque.

-Is that going to be cool?

-We'll get a few looks but so what?

Now, when you say we...?

-Oh, I meant the family.

-Yeah, course.

-I could ask.

-Nah, it's fine. Hey.

Check out my spoils.

Did you even eat?

D'you know what I think we should do with it?

Buy her out.

I mean, why give her money for the divorce and a slice of the profits?

The business was her idea, Christian.

Well, I don't care.

Then that way the only time we have to see her

is when we have contact with Yasmin.

-Tea?

-Oh, lovely.

More of a sprint than a marathon.

Don't.

I was looking for my wallet, weren't I?

That's weird.

What is?

I could've sworn...

Ah, there it is.

-What's that?

-Oh, just a little something for you.

I should just tell him.

Please, do. There's plenty we could both tell.

Nice and milky.

Sounds nice but how does it help?

The family that prays together stays together.

I think spending some time in the mosque

and then having a big family meal,

that'll be like marking a new beginning for us.

Washing our hands of the past.

So that's it then, is it? Yusef is just a distant memory.

All the scars are healed?

You sound doubtful?

-Just, I never knew it was that easy. Show me the way to convert.

-It's not that easy.

That money could have done a lot of good for our family.

-The money?

-Yeah.

-Oh, yeah. Kim did say about that.

-She said you were going to do something nice with it.

-We are.

We're donating it to the mosque

and then they'll send it back to Pakistan

and they'll hand it out to the poor.

Charity begins at home, like they say.

Yeah. I suppose.

For eight at 6pm.

Right, see you then. Bye.

He's not getting it. I've shown him a dozen times how to fold a napkin.

Got a pen that works?

Ali's worked at the Sheesh and the Mahal,

and he doesn't have "DJ-ing commitments".

Tell you what.

You let me know when you want to talk to me

and I'll avoid you till then, OK?

Car lot quiet?

Yeah. You could hear a pin drop.

You look nice.

Thanks.

I mean, she heard what the doc said and she still takes no notice.

Yeah. See, this is exactly how Rainie started.

How we going to make her learn?

I dunno. Some people just don't, do they?

I remember when I was 14.

Got mullered.

Got into all my dad's spirits,

put a little bit of each one into a milk bottle,

took it to a house party, downed it in one to impress some bird.

Dunno how I got home but when I woke I had one shoe on and a bust lip.

So is there a moral to this tale or...?

Put me off milk?

Didn't your dad kill you?

Nah, he never found out. I used to...

What?

Where is Madam? She upstairs?

-She needed some fresh air.

-Babe, I grounded her.

-We go soft on her now, we ain't going to be doing her any favours, are we?

-What you doing?

Smell that.

Not even the Queen Vic waters its spirits down that much.

-Spiked you?

-It could happen.

-Behave.

-Oh, why is everyone going on like I'm different?

It was a club, right. Everyone was getting smashed.

YOU was smashed and I was worried about you.

Well, you should have looked after me instead of telling my parents.

-Where's the sisterhood?

-Where is it when you try and flirt with him?

-Hey, who can blame her?

-Did I even...?

If you can't remember, Lauren, then things are starting to get bad.

Of course I can remember.

-I obviously just had my beer goggles on, didn't I?

-Oi.

See you later.

Think about it?

-Are you serious?

-I thought you'd bite our hand off.

-Why?

It frees you up from this place.

-You said it was a grubby way to make a living.

-I actually enjoy it now.

-It's nice to know you value our partnership.

-Amira, I do, it's just that...

-I thought we were a team.

We are.

-Just forget about it. No-one's trying to force you out.

-Oh, really?

You all right, babes? You, er, got a minute?

Yeah.

Huh?

Hey, Tam, check this out, man. A thing of beauty, yeah.

A proper fan.

-Yeah. Can you take bookings cos I've got to go out.

-I don't think you fully, OK, appreciate, OK,

the perfection of my creation.

Yeah, it's amazing, it's breathtaking.

-Can you take bookings?

-Yeah, yeah, 'course, man.

As amazing as the surprise is, we don't need a cleaner.

-I'll do it.

-I don't want you to be a housewife.

Well, Mum can help while she's here.

Yes, Ian, darling, I can take an antihistamine for my dust allergy.

Look, it's my choice, all right? I just want you two to relax

and let Bianca get on with her job.

Bobby's going through a little bit of a nose-picking phase

-so could you give the walls an extra rub down?

-My pleasure.

Thanks. Right, ladies, have fun.

You're a diamond, you are.

-I'll start in the kitchen then, shall I?

-Yeah, you do that.

Then I'll come and dust the cobwebs off you two.

Mate of yours, then?

Yeah, besties.

It's monkfish, all right.

It may look disgusting but it tastes great.

Plus I'm doing it in batter with garam masala, cumin seeds

and a little bit of chilli.

Is this what you learnt on your cookery course?

Yeah, yeah. we learnt it the other day.

Plus...we'll have the gaff to ourselves.

Sounds like someone's got a plan.

I am a gentleman, Amira, that thought never crossed my mind.

Er, I think baby Yasmin's missing her mum.

Got time to say hello before you go to work?

Aw, mummy's going to come round and give you a big hug.

Nice to see you.

-Oh!

-Mum, you all right?

-Yes, fine. It's nothing.

You OK?

Your son is driving me mad. First of all he won't talk to me

and now he's being completely unreasonable about our staff.

Apart from that, all good.

The Khatam will help - we'll all get to spend some quality time together.

See you later.

OK. So that's a table for two at 7pm.

Nice. Bet she calls you Mr Romantic...

Sorry? It's for your mum?

OK, well we can sing for her too. That's no problem.

OK, we'll see you at 7pm. OK. Bye-bye.

I hear you crack the whip and they all come running.

What?

Amira, Tam, Afia, Syed. All coming to the Khatam.

Good.

Then it's good riddance to it all.

That's what I want.

It's not all on you, you know?

We all sat back and let that lunatic wreak havoc.

What?

Nothing.

-Here, mind. Sorry, it's wet.

-All right. Get me an orange then.

So, no love lost between you and her then?

-You could say that.

-Why? What'd she do?

My husband.

-Horrible little mare, ain't she?

-I wonder where she gets that from.

Oopsy.

Tam? Come on, bruv, you in there?

Everything all right?

Yeah. yeah, I was, er... I was...just looking for Tamwar.

He's at work, isn't he?

Yes. Yes, he is. Yes. And that's where I'm going to go.

-I'm going to go find him. That's what I'm going to do.

-Fatty boy?

Talk. Now.

You think it's like a prison now?

-You wait cos you won't leave this house.

-You can't make me stay in.

-I will nail you to the floor if I have to.

-We don't want you hurting yourself.

-Anything could have happened.

-Yeah? Well, it's my life, Mum.

-Why you got to be so selfish?

-Can I leave?

-What you talking about - leave? We ain't even started.

-Right.

Where do you think you're going?

-Come back here.

-Just leave me alone, Mum.

-Lauren! You listen to your mum.

-No!

I'll stop being such a burden on you both and move out.

-Lauren, no, don't be silly. Look, you don't...

-Babe, just leave her. Leave her.

She'll come back herself. She won't last the week.

Tamwar. Don't.

Don't what?

Not like this.

Mum, you don't understand.

Then come home and explain it to me.

Come on.

Mum, I was watching that. I would like to see the end of it, Mum.

I would like a daughter who doesn't go with other women's husbands.

I would like a mum that drinks orange juice. Thank you.

-Come here. I mean it, give me it.

-Get off. Ow. Mum!

We was just messing about.

I've just got to finish upstairs.

See - told you we'd get the house to ourselves.

Yeah, well, Dot says even a broken clock's right twice a day.

Oi. You trying to say this is broken?

Is it? Well, let me kiss it better.

DOORBELL RINGS

Hi. Er, can I stay here, please?

She wanted to spend Yusef's money on plastic surgery for me,

because she doesn't want a deformed husband.

Tell me how I'm reading that wrong.

I'm sure she just wants you to feel good about yourself.

What, your father shouldn't love me because I have burns?

You know, if had a girl, yeah.

and loads of money, I'd upgrade like that.

I'd fix her up, man. You know what I'm saying, innit?

You know what I'm saying?

This had better have a point.

Well, it doesn't matter cos I know how she'd feel -

-not very good so...

-So what?

All right, maybe I am being a little bit insensitive to my imaginary girly here

but, you know, maybe she thinks I don't love her just the way she is,

which ain't true by the way.

By the way, she is proper buff, yeah.

She got the curly hair and long legs and she wears tiny, tiny shorts.

So the offer's there, bruv. You know. And I'm happy either way.

And, you know, I only suggested it to make her happy.

-Not to upset her.

-What's her name?

-Nicole. She's a model.

-She lives with all these other models that wear really small...

-Just keep dreaming.

Sorry, mum?

I'm sure everything will be all right, Tamwar.

Can you get rid of that note?

No long ting, bruv.

Oh, come on, man. How many times we done this?

And before you say anything I have earned the right to lounge around.

Oh. It's you.

-Sorry.

-Just let yourself in these days, do you?

Syed gave me a key whilst you were away. Look, can I have a word?

He mentioned the offer.

And?

Well, it's nice to feel so welcome.

Oh, come off it, Amira. Do you really want to stay here in Walford?

I've got a business. And I'm seeing Anthony.

Yeah, right.

What?

Look - I hope it isn't - because he's a really nice guy -

but come off it.

This Anthony thing is just a smokescreen.

How dare you?

I said I hope it isn't. I hope you've moved on.

I hope it's for real.

Cos one thing I do know, darling, you are not here to flog T-shirts.

Got one word for you.

Family. It's what I am and what you never, ever will be.

Well, at least we're getting somewhere now, ain't we, darling?

Cos that don't sound like you've only got eyes for Anthony now, does it?

Bye, girl.

Oh, and J-Lo?

Next time, knock.

You know what, Bianca,

I think you actually found your vocation in life.

-In fact, you deserve a tip.

-Oh, thanks(!)

What?

This is 60 quid light.

-I hope you're not accusing me of nothing.

-That's exactly what I'm doing.

-I leave my wallet lying around and it becomes slimmer of the year.

-I've not touched a penny.

Tell that to the police.

Ian, I'm on probation.

-Then give me back my money.

-Fine, phone 'em.

Look. She didn't take any money, all right?

Mum had some fella after her for a loan, I sorted him out.

Mand, all you had to do was ask.

I know. I'm sorry. You weren't here.

Er, there you go. Here's your tip.

I think a tenner would be more appropriate.

Thanks. I'll go get Bobby.

Right, well... jog on, Mrs Mopp, you've done enough.

-Why didn't you tell him it was her?

-What's it got to do you?

I didn't think there was a bigger leech than you. Pat told me about your mother.

You know what, B? Don't get involved with my family.

I mean, remind me - which one of your kids' fathers is still around?

Cos I've lost track.

I'll give you that one...but I do whatever I can for my kids.

Does she?

KNOCK ON DOOR

Wow. You're early - I haven't even started cooking yet.

I wanted to see you.

Everything OK?

I just wanted to hear your kind words.

Well...I think about you a lot. You know, you're so beautiful.

You always say that.

But not just that, Amira, you're the most...

..amazing woman I've ever met. And you're so kind, and gentle

and funny.

But you know that, don't you?

Is anyone in?

No, Tyler's helping Lauren move her stuff in.

Apparently this a blooming...

..hotel.

Let's go upstairs.

Are you sure?

-Hey. How's work?

-Fine.

What do you want me to do?

Loads of chopping. I'll get you a knife.

I'll know exactly where to put it.

Sorry, OK. I was feeling ill and I needed to get some fresh air.

Well, you shouldn't just walk out without telling me

and take Fatboy with you.

Is he looking after the restaurant?

The restaurant is in capable hands.

I told you he was useful.

What?

The whole pot? I'm sure it can't have been that bad.

Everything must be perfect.

Where's Amira?

She's not here.

Well, good. She's been rubbing Christian's nose into the fact

that he'll never be invited to family gatherings.

-You sacked him?

-Eight people turned up and there was nothing in the book.

I had to turn them away.

That was my fault not his.

Don't cover for him, he told me he forgot to write it down.

-It was my mistake, not his. He's covering for me

-And why's that?

So, if he's not there, who is?

-I hired Ali. We were lucky he was free tonight.

-You hired Ali?

Ali is an experienced waiter, not a liability like Fatboy.

You know Fatboy was sticking up for you.

And why do I need someone to stick up for me?

Because I know, Afia, what you planned to do. I know about the plastic surgery.

-This is irrelevant because we're not getting the money so...

-But if we were, you'd fix me?

If you don't like me, Afia, leave.

Leave me. Go on, get out!

Tamwar?

-Can we not just face facts and accept...?

-No.

I know what I'm doing.

Tamwar, no. You don't. No, Tamwar, you don't.

You don't know all the facts.

Mera pyaare beta. Mujhe maaf karna.

All the things that you two have been through,

all the problems you are having now,

all of our problems...

..there's an explanation.

What?

Tamwar. I'm sorry. It's all my fault.

Your burns.

Your father's death.

I'm so sorry. It's all my fault.

What do you mean, it's your fault?

-I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

-Zainab?

Mum, what are you talking about?

I think I know what she's going to say.

And you probably know too.

Know what?

Someone sent my father back into the fire that night.

Someone told him I was in there.

You wanted revenge, didn't you, Auntie? Tam, take off your shirt.

Show her what she did.

I'm sorry, Tamwar. I'm so sorry.

And this is how God punishes her.

-Af, where are you going?

-Someone needs to get back to the restaurant.

-You can't just walk out of here after that.

-Ali's there on his own.

Afia, no! Just once, do what I ask!

-Excuse me, young man.

-What?

We've been waiting to order for around 20 minutes now.

I'm going as fast as I can.

Nice bum.

-Anyway, I propose a toast.

-Yeah?

-To poverty.

-I'm not drinking to that.

-Come on, when has money ever made you happy?

-Loads of times.

That's cos you're shallow.

Shallow and rich beats poor and deep any day of the week.

Cheers to that.

You know, maybe you should see this as less of a setback

and more of an opportunity.

Yeah, perhaps...

perhaps you were never meant to run a bed and breakfast.

Maybe...

maybe this is your chance to do what you've always wanted to do.

What? Like Britain's Next Top Model?

Settle down. Maybe even get married.

Sorry about the wait. What can I get you?

Tell me, young man.

-You wouldn't be on the menu yourself, would you?

-Sorry?

Only my sister, here, thinks it's time that I settled down

-and you look all right.

-Kim!

-What? You don't ask, you don't get.

Look, I'm all on my own tonight and I'm very busy. What would you like?

That's what we're discussing. I mean, are you married?

Can we just get on with it, please?

-I'll have the pakora to start with, the chicken jalfrezi to follow.

-Of course, madam.

It wouldn't make a difference if you were, you know.

You wouldn't be the first. You bored of her, are you?

I tell you what. Why don't you gimme your number

and I'll arrange a free sample?

-Kim, pack it in.

-What?

-Look, I'd rather just get on with my job.

-What are you saying, babe? Hm?

-What do you want?

The marriage ain't going to last with that tone of voice, I tell you.

Give me a sec. I forgot what I was going to order.

No, I will not hang on a sec. Go to hell!

All of you!

Divorce.

-Right, are we going to go back for the rest?

-Yeah, tomorrow.

When my dad stops giving me the evil eye.

Oh, hello.

My brother know you're wearing one of his shirts?

Where is he?

He's upstairs, he's still asleep.

Has he done something to you?

No.

Look, Tyler, go and make a cup of tea or something, yeah.

I thought we was going to eat.

Right, well, I'll get a takeaway. What do you want? Pizza? Curry?

-Yeah, yeah, whatever. Just go.

-Right, I'll be ten minutes.

-Yes.

So, are you going to tell me what happened, or..?

How am I ever going to look Syed in the face again?

He was torturing me.

Torturing you?

With how he might kill your father.

And he was smiling as he said it.

Like the devil might smile.

And in that moment...

all I wanted was for him to suffer.

The thought that if he were dead...

If he were dead, what?

If he were dead, then it would be over.

But it's not and it never will be.

-Masood, don't.

-Come here.

-No, I don't deserve it.

-Zainab.

How long since we first sat in this room?

-We were going to break all the rules, remember?

-Mmm.

Yeah, you, erm, you kissed me. And you put guy-liner on me.

And you said, "Parents should be treated with complete contempt."

And I remember thinking, "She's wonderful."

And here we are now, 18 months later.

Well, actually, it was the 16th November, 2010.

You know when you said "you knew".

-Did you never even ask the question?

-She's my mum.

-Yeah, but...

what about my dad?

Do you still think he should be treated with complete contempt?

You don't choose your parents. You don't choose who you love.

Why are you not crying?

Why are you not beating down the walls and calling the police?

Cos that night, it wasn't just my dad that died.

Tamwar?

I'd like a word with Afia alone, please.

Nobody leaves, nobody so much as moves

until this stupid, ignorant woman apologises.

You put that away or I won't be answerable.

It's a wooden spoon.

And don't think I won't use it.

-SHE MOUTHS: Help.

-KIM LAUGHS

Shut up!

SHE MOUTHS: OK.

I needed to prove something.

Like what?

Christian said I was fooling myself.

About what?

-About Anthony.

-No.

No, he fancies you like crazy.

It's not about fancying.

Listen, if I was to feel guilty about every stupid thing

that I've done, then I'd have no time for anything else.

I wanted to love.

I wanted to...

I wanted to feel the things you...

..you read about and see in films.

Well, I'm sorry but that's a load of pony anyway.

What?

Well, it's just nature's way of luring you in.

It never lasts.

I thought I'd feel something.

But it just felt wrong.

Empty.

Cheap.

Did you know?

No.

Does make a horrible kind of sense though.

What's happened to Amira?

How are you feeling?

Er, numb. Can't really take it all in.

I mean about your back. The burns.

All that time in hospital.

That's just ordinary pain, you know.

You learn to live with ordinary pain.

Right, the kids are in front of a DVD.

They should be all right for half an hour.

Where's your mother?

Talking to Afia.

Dad. Let her say what she has to say.

I'm not asking you to forgive me.

I don't even want you to forgive me.

It's not as though I didn't know what he was like.

Well, then, you know why I have been the way

that I have been for the last three months.

You got away with it. What's the problem?

You really think that?

You think I got away with it? KNOCK ON DOOR

Masood, don't answer that!

Afia, all I'm saying is please,

please don't take this out on Tamwar, OK.

It is not his fault. None of it.

Please, just learn to love each other again. I'm begging of you.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Hola.

-Is Syed there?

-Huh?

Something's kicking off down the restaurant.

I've tried his mum and dad, but I ain't getting no reply.

Look, just hang on a minute, yeah?

-Tam and I were talking before you came in.

-Yes.

Remembering how we used to be.

Only I can't.

He reminds me of things I said, things I did.

And I'm left thinking, "Who was that girl?"

She was so full of fun and mischief and now look at her.

Heart of stone. Irritable. A nag.

But you know what they say.

Marry a girl...

..and watch her turn into your mother.

KNOCKING ON DOOR

-Just leave it!

-I'm going to have to get that, Zainab.

-Masood, please.

They wouldn't be knocking like that if it wasn't important.

Look, I hate to barge in but I need to talk to you.

-Not him. Not now.

-What is it, Christian?

A waiter down at the restaurant is going off his nut.

-Christian?

-I don't know the details.

Tyler goes down there, gets a takeaway,

-finds this guy having a complete mental breakdown in front of your customers.

-What?

-Where are you going?

-To sort it out.

-No.

-Was he being violent?

-I don't know.

-Can you guys stay here?

-OK, I'm coming.

-Masood, please.

-No, it's OK, Mum, I'll go with them.

-Syed.

-OK? OK?

Keep an eye on her. I'm afraid she'll do something stupid.

The kids are upstairs watching telly, all right?

-Zainab?

-Just go away, OK? Just...

No. Cos, apparently, you might do something stupid.

Just cos the first time wasn't that great...

You ain't going to believe what was happening...

Sorry.

Look, you haven't done anything wrong.

You haven't failed.

This is about me and how I feel about myself.

I really am invisible to you all, aren't I?

Like I don't have feelings.

-Like you can say whatever you want to me and I'll just take it.

-Ali.

-What do you want?

-Give me the spoon.

Not until this stupid cow apologises.

-Look, I was trying to explain...

-Shut up!

But he wouldn't give me a chance.

Look, I was only having a laugh. I didn't mean it.

Yeah, it's just what she's like.

Look, darling, she didn't mean it. She's sorry, really.

Ali.

OK.

-Come here.

-I do apologise, ladies and gents.

Please, carry on with your meals.

If you can call two poppadoms a meal.

-OK, we will sort this.

-Thank you.

-OK, Ali, what's the drama?

-She kept asking if I was married.

My wife says she's going to leave me.

And take the baby. I can't bear it.

All right, well you're not in any kind of trouble, OK.

Just relax, we're going to look after you.

So, everything you've ever thought about me is right.

I'm a bad person.

-You were just protecting your family.

-No.

No, it wasn't just that.

All right, you did it cos you hated him.

Because he hurt me.

And now Tamwar is hurting.

And Afia is right. God is punishing me.

Is that how God operates?

Well, we were meant to be going to the Khatam.

So, tell me, who - who ever is going to forgive me now?

Look, Zainab, I know it's not much but...

..I do.

-I forgive you.

-PHONE RINGS

Hello?

Masood, everything all right?

Oh, thank God.

Thank God. Everyone's OK, yes? All right, then come home soon.

Love you. Bye.

Couple of seconds ago, God's punishing you

and now you're thanking him.

I tell you what,

I'll put the kettle on, shall I?

Dunno about you, but I could do with one.

-So, what? You were just trying to prove something to yourself, were you?

-I don't know.

I don't know anything. I don't even know who I am.

But you've got so much going for you.

I mean, you're beautiful. You've got a lovely little girl.

-Don't.

-What have I said now?

I'm such a bad mother.

I try to do the right thing.

-I want to love her, I do love her, but...

-But what?

You get the husband, you get the child, you get the nice home

and you expect everything to be perfect.

But it's not.

I'll tell Tyler and Lauren not to say anything, all right?

That's just more pretending. It's the pretending that I can't bear.

-You're just saying that cos you're unhappy.

-I'm always unhappy.

You know, I don't think I've had a genuine moment of happiness

since I was ten years old.

My life is a complete fraud.

But I'm not fooling anyone, am I?

I don't even expect anyone to like me.

The most I can hope for is that they're jealous,

that they envy me, that they want what I've got.

If only they knew.

I like you.

That's really kind of you.

But you know what I think when you say that?

More fool you.

You know what I think.

I don't know if this is true but it feels true.

Life just happens.

You know, we think we're making all these decisions,

all these choices about the people we want to be,

the life we want to lead. But do we?

I mean, did you choose to be Zainab Masood?

You didn't choose to be you any more than I chose to be me.

But here we are.

Muslim woman, gay man.

Neither of us chose that.

I mean, I don't remember any fork in the road saying gay or not gay.

Just...

..just is.

I know that God sets us tests.

And we either pass or we fail.

And why would he do that? I mean, what would be the point?

Well, all I know is that I had a choice.

And I failed.

And here I am with nothing to show for it than,

than my guilt and all that dirty money.

Yeah, well, you can easily get rid of money.

All right.

Here's another question for you.

Yusef.

Did he choose to be Yusef?

Did he decide to do all those...

all those wicked things?

They were wicked, weren't they?

And Sy.

Did he choose to be Sy?

Did I choose to fall in love with him?

No.

Just happened.

Sometimes life just...

..just happens.

And do you?

Do I what?

Do you love my son?

Zainab, how can you even ask me that, eh?

The amount of times you must have heard me say it.

Well, I'm sorry.

But I don't think that I was listening before.

Well, maybe we do have a choice, eh?

Maybe we can choose not to hurt each other any more.

DOOR OPENS

Tam and Afia will be along shortly. Dad too.

Everything all right in here?

Yeah. I don't know about you, but I am getting very hungry,

so I am going to go into the kitchen and heat up some food.

-I've just spoken to his wife.

-Hm.

And apparently it was just a row.

She was never really going to leave him.

I didn't even know he was married.

Well, you didn't ask, did you?

Erm.

How are you feeling?

Ali.

I've just spoken to your wife and she wants to talk.

So, I'm going to get you a cab and the fare's on us, all right?

Anthony? Amira? Can I come in a minute?

Yeah. Yeah, come in. Come in.

Oh, what happened to Amira?

She's gone.

Where to?

Tyler said that there's some drink in here somewhere.

It's just there, babes.

So, are you OK?

Yeah. Just a bit hungry, that's all.

Oh, well, me and Tyler are going to get a pizza if you're up for it.

Well, I've got monkfish in the fridge if you...

OK. Yeah, sure. Why not?

Right. Monkfish it is, then.

So, what? Are you saying we got him all wrong?

We owe your life to Christian, let's not forget that.

Come on, there must be more to it than that.

We just had a chat. That's all.

-Yeah. And?

-And we worked out a few things.

-Like what?

-Ha-ha. Ask your mum.

Hm-huh.

Hiya. Where've you been?

Oh, I've been trying to walk off this headache.

It didn't work. I'm going to go and lie down.

Can I do anything?

I'm OK.

Amira. You're just in time. We're about to eat.

Then, we're heading off to the mosque for the Khatam.

I'm not up to it, I'm sorry.

Christian, are you going to stay and join us for dinner?

If that's all right.

Of course. Could you run me a quick errand first though, please?

-Yeah, sure.

-Thank you.

Let's go and endure this family dinner.

I can get you out of it if you want.

I mean, Mum's hardly in a position to kick up a fuss.

Well, if I can go through what I've been through

in the last three months,

I'm sure I can manage another couple of hours.

And...

what about us? How do you feel about us?

-I'm going to try. And you?

-Yeah.

-It smells nice, you know.

-Yes, I know it smells nice, Kim,

but we can wait until we get in the house.

-Just a little bite. It's going to get cold, you know.

-No! We're going to put it on a plate, tonight.

-You really think you're Mum, innit.

-No, I'm just trying to be civilised.

"Just trying to be civilised." I'm damn hungry, man.

I know, I'm hungry too. And tired. And fed up.

Let's get inside.

-Oh! What's that?

-A letter.

I'll get it, shall I? Yeah.