17/06/2011 EastEnders

I thought you were keeping it small.

Well, you know, how often does a geezer get engaged?

Yeah, is that a regular geezer... or you?

Thank you, Lauren(!)

-Ooh, I'm impressed.

-All right? You going to give a hand?

-What? With these nails? Is that my rug?

-Yeah.

-And...did you get the other thing?

-You'll just have to wait and see, won't you?

-Here, apparently it all kicked off in the Vic last night.

-How can you burn soup?

Tracey said that Pat and Ryan reckon that Janine killed her nan!

-Janine wouldn't do that.

-According to Tracey, the police said...

-I was with her. She was gutted, OK?

OK.

-What one do you think?

-Trying to impress the in-laws?

-No.

-Want to borrow my aftershave?

-Babe, he's trying to impress 'em!

-What's wrong with my aftershave?

-Do you want some soup?

-No, thanks.

-Why don't you give some to Ian,

seeing as he's looking after your stall?

You found anywhere to live yet?

No, no, it ain't that easy.

You pick up a paper, answer an ad, pack your bags and go. How easy do you want it?

-I'll find us somewhere.

-I know you will.

Look in the paper...

Answer an ad...

Billy? Billy, your soup!

Seventh of July?

They called this morning.

That's...three weeks away.

Well, the sooner the better.

The most likely outcome is a custodial sentence.

Thank you so much for coming.

You've got to be prepared for it.

-You could have saved yourself a journey. You could have phoned us.

-Ronnie!

I'm just saying, there's not much to talk about.

Actually, Mrs Branning, there is.

You're just scared that we'll totally show you up.

-Totally? Who are you, Gossip Girl?

-Changing the subject.

-But I don't need to...

-You just did.

..because me and my girls have got a secret weapon.

Hasta la vista, baby.

Afia, Tamwar.

-They're having a laugh, ain't they? I mean, who's going to pay that much a month for a bedsit?

-That's a week.

I'm just trying to provide.

Me too.

I just want them back. All of them.

-A suspended sentence? That's good.

-It's only a possibility.

Yeah, but there's a chance.

It depends on the forensic psychiatrists.

-If we can prove your wife has a serious psychiatric disorder.

-But I don't.

Ron, just let the woman speak.

-Depends on the psychiatrist but if they say there's a problem that's treatable...

-This is crazy.

Do you want to go down?

Any suspended sentence would have conditions attached. You'd have to agree to psychiatric treatment.

-Would you please stop?

-The woman's trying to help.

-By saying I'm mental?

-You could get two or three years.

-I took someone's baby.

-Or four or five.

-Jack, I took somebody else's baby.

-You didn't know what you were doing.

-Jack, come on!

-You were panicking. You were grief stricken.

-But I still did it. I don't have a psychiatric disorder.

I should...

leave you to talk.

Call me...when you're ready.

I'm not going to lie.

MUSIC: "Work" by Kelly Rowland

-Oh, man, they are good.

-They're better than good.

-They're much better than good!

That's it ladies, nice and sexy.

Mercy, hands go up.

Look at Jodie's batty, though!

And work, two, three, uh...

Hey!

Turn...

-Tam!

-Darren!

-Arthur!

-Arthur?

Sushi selection. Front of the table, next to the spring rolls.

-Who's going to eat sushi?

-Do you want to sit on the naughty step?

-It's not even cooked.

Thank you, Abi. And smoked salmon blinis.

-That's not cooked either.

-Naughty step, Lauren.

-All right, see you in A&E, Mummy.

-It looks lovely out there.

-It's not too much?

-No. It's beautiful. Just like you.

-What I said, last night...

-Forget about last night.

You and me, married. It's going to be great.

-Just for an hour.

-No, you go.

-He's my brother.

I'm not stopping you, am I?

But I want you there with me, don't I?

-It'll take your mind off everything.

-I don't want to go to a party.

Everyone's going to be looking at me, staring.

They're family, all right? They're going to be on your side.

-Do you want us to die out there?

-Yeah, Afia's got a choreographer.

Yeah, but we've got me though, innit, you know?

Tam, I've got clients booked.

You see...

I've got the moves, all right, but they're not strictly halal.

-So, you'd only have to help us with a few things, you know.

-And this guy she's got?

-Yeah...it's Christian.

-Christian?

-Yeah. You're my brother.

Please?

Happy engagement.

Thank you. Champagne?

Yeah, please. Whitney said she'd come later.

They're always running off somewhere at that age. Probably some boy.

Ah, I didn't mean running off.

Thanks ever so much for inviting me, Max.

Don't be silly, Dot, you're family.

-Carol, sorry, shoes, please. If you don't mind?

-Oh. Right, OK.

-You do know that's raw fish, Grandma?

-What?

-Lauren!

-She ain't going to eat raw fish, is she?

-She can have a spring roll.

-No, she doesn't eat anything foreign.

Well, I did try a curry last week, Lauren.

-So, we're going to be sisters.

-Yeah. That'll be interesting.

-Swap clothes and all that.

I don't think I've got anything that would suit you.

I was thinking maybe you might want to borrow some of mine.

-DOORBELL RINGS

-Yeah, two jobs, four grandkids.

Probably can't spare the couple of hours each morning.

All right, Tanya. All right, Greg.

-Congratulations, Max.

-Thank you very much. Right, go through.

-Hello, everyone. All right?

-Hello.

-Mrs Branning.

-Champagne?

-Yeah, yeah.

-Champagne?

Tanya, you look gorgeous.

It's just an old one, actually.

You've been in the bathroom for hours.

-That's us girls for you.

-Yeah, older you get, harder you have to try.

-We've got some news of our own, don't we?

-Hey? Oh, not now.

They're going to find out sooner or later.

-Tell me you're not pregnant.

-Well... No, not yet. But we're trying, aren't we?

-Eugh, too much information!

-Mum, that's brilliant.

You wait, Greg. Wait till you see what she gets like.

Congratulations.

Well, it's not like she's actually pregnant yet, is she?

Right, shall we get back to celebrating mine and Max's engagement?

Tanya, shoes, please, darling. Not on the rug.

Well, it is usually the bride's family that plans the Mehndi.

It's next week, Denise.

Usually the bride's family decides they are the bride's family a bit earlier.

Anyway, I thought we could have waiters with drinks, as people come in.

-People like to get their own drinks.

-Yeah, but some smart waiters

might be nice. Bit different.

Would you like them to be topless?

-These waiters?

-No, of course they shouldn't be topless, Zainab.

Well, it's just, you know, you want things to be "a bit different".

And you've told me about enough of your hen nights.

What do you think, Yusef?

I think...a bar area where people can get their own.

-Thank you.

-And one or two waiters with a welcome drink by the door.

Lovely idea.

Do you want to change the food as well? Fried chicken perhaps?

If you've got a problem with me being here, Zainab, just say.

Why would I have a problem with my friend?

As Yusef's partner, it's only right I should be involved.

-Did I say that you shouldn't?

-Well, you know, he's got me and you've...

Well, you've got both of us, don't you?

-Jay!

-All right, Abs.

-Oscar's crashed on your bed, darling. Too much football.

-You two are banned from going up there.

-Dad!

Seriously, if I see you anywhere near that staircase...

All right, Max. Not all men are like you. Some manage to keep it in their trousers.

-Mum!

-And I know that Jay is one of them.

Of course, Mrs Branning.

It's Mrs Jessop now, Jay.

Haven't been Branning for a long time.

Come through. Take your shoes off.

-What a shame Jim couldn't be here.

-Dad would love all this.

I think I'll have one of them prawn parcels.

-Here you are, go on have this.

-Oh, ta.

One of us getting married. Again.

-Never hurts to be adventurous.

-I'll get you a coaster for that.

DOORBELL RINGS

I've not seen your friend Edward around for a while.

Oh, Mr Bishop? He's a very busy man, Carol.

Max, Vanessa, congratulations.

-Jack. Ronnie.

-Yep.

-All right?

Shoes, please.

-Hey. You're very welcome.

-Thank you.

-You want a drink?

Yeah, I'd love one.

-And I thought...trainers.

-With all those sparkles?

-We're tearing up the rule book.

-I'm sorry, I don't do trainers.

Oh, is this for your wedding then?

Yeah, for the bit before, the Mehndi.

-My wedding dress is sorted.

-Another couple of weeks, you'll have a place of your own.

I'll have to live with Tam to start with.

OMG, why didn't anyone say? Mum'll be going mental.

I'll soon have a place of my own.

-Will you?

-Yeah, yeah. Billy's going to sort us out a flat. You know, together.

I could do the rest of the deposit with the second month's rent...

cos hopefully by that time I'll have a new job...

Hey, hey. Now there's the face of a girl that's scared she's going to be danced out the hall!

That is the face of a girl who's late for her mum's engagement party. Come on.

-See you all tomorrow.

-Remember, not a word, all right?

-If you'd given us these names weeks ago...

-I gave you my names.

But they're not on the list, are they?

These are Masood's names.

Do you want to go and pick up the little bags? For the mithai?

-She doesn't need to do that.

-I am perfectly capable of picking up some bags.

-Yusef?

Just let her do it, Zainab.

I've already got the little bags.

So you have.

What time do you call this, Darren?

Well, we was out, you know, dancing.

Yeah, that's what they call it these days?

-No, really. We were practising.

-Yeah, for Tamwar's thingy.

Well you best not be late for the wedding. Shoes.

And miss sitting in a glass coach with my mum?

-Let all them white horses go without me?

-(White horses?)

-So has Rainie gone for long?

-Just till she gets back on track.

-Greg said that she really lost it.

-Yeah, she'll be all right.

She'll get there.

I thought Tanya might say she was happy with the ones she's got.

I could have lived with that. But you want your own, don't you?

Gorgeous little smiling baby, giggling away,

-dribbling all over you...

-Greg.

Sorry.

I hope that you and...

I hope that you and Tanya... I wish you lots of luck.

I've just been helping Tam.

Afia's got some hotshot choreographer apparently.

So I'm going to make sure the boys dance them off the floor.

That your little revenge, is it? For last night?

That's petty, Sy, even for you.

-No, you left me in a bar on my own!

-So, that's what this is about?

No, this is about helping my brother. What about you?

Let's see.

-Sisters in law?

-It's not a joke.

-Cheers.

-I'm sorry if you think that I ruined your birthday night out.

But I didn't do anything wrong.

They're not my family either, Ronnie.

They're Jim's. Do you know, they ain't even been round

since he went into the Sunflower?

You know, the nursing home.

You and me,

we don't fit in.

You know, every time my Nick done something wrong...

Oh, I ain't saying that you're like him, cos you ain't.

You're a good soul.

But, every time, I felt the eyes of the world on me. Staring.

But you see you've just got to get on with it.

Hold your head up high.

"Let him who is without sin cast the first stone."

Well, look at him here.

Vanessa's sorting my hair out for the wedding.

I'm hoping she'll teach me the secret of the helmet.

Can I get your attention, please, everyone?

-Have you been smoking?

-Not now, Abi, please.

You promised. You're such a liar!

Thanks, everyone, for coming.

I'm not very good with words and all that.

Don't stop you from talking though, does it?

They say actions speak louder than words. So I will say,

in front of my family, my children,

and all the people that mean the most to me,

Vanessa, I love you.

Don't let her mascara run or we'll all drown.

-Thank you for doing me the honour of agreeing to be my wife.

-Oh, Max. It's gorgeous!

Just like you.

-I didn't want to go there!

-You suggested it!

-And I'll talk to who I want to.

-Go on, then!

-You don't own me, you can't stop me.

-And I'm not trying to!

Make your new friends. Talk away.

I would, if I wanted to, but I don't. That's the difference.

I don't want to talk to anybody else.

Then why are we arguing?

Because I want to be able to, OK? I just need some space.

Well, when you find some, you can tell me where I can get a bit.

Because until you moved in here I had loads of the stuff.

-Maybe we should be looking for two new places.

-Maybe we should.

I was only talking to them. It's not like I kissed them. It's not like I took their number.

Oh, here we go. Bring that up again. New Year's Eve, little kiss, what a tramp.

Every time we split up you were with another bloke.

-Anything else?

-Just don't judge me by your standards.

I didn't think I had any standards according to you.

-I'm a one-man man.

-That's right. Unless you're being a one-woman man.

-Well, that was cheap.

-Yeah, well I thought

we'd already established that. I'm cheap all over.

All I'm saying is, I just...

I want my own life as well.

And you've got to learn to trust me.

You know, I'm here with you...

in all your bonkers-ness...

..because I want to be.

And if other blokes go after me

then isn't that proof that I'm here out of choice?

Sy, it's not about other guys.

I'm just scared.

Scared that one day you're going to wake up...

..and want something else.

-Syed?

-Yeah.

-That's good.

Yeah, I think he was pleased to be asked.

-And Christian?

-Christian's gone over to the dark side.

But it's, um...

It's fresh. You know, different.

-Good different?

-Yeah, I think.

I don't know what Mum will think of it.

Well, who knows what your mum thinks?

-And Fatboy and Darren?

-Yeah, you asked them.

No, I just saw you together, and...

You know you should be teaching me not to lie?

I thought you could do with two right feet to match those left ones.

Can't have Afia victorious, can we?

It's a marriage, not a war.

Marriage, Tamwar, is always a war.

So, how are things?

At home?

-Does Yusef come round much?

-Dad, look, you're wrong about him.

Sorry, I shouldn't have asked.

There's nothing going on.

If someone had told me a year ago

that you and I would be sat here, planning our children's wedding...

But you can't see the future. Tomorrow's always unknown.

And the photographer?

One to take the formal poses, and one to circulate, more casual.

When I was her age, we would never have had boys at a Mehndi.

When we were her age we'd already be...

Let's not. Please.

Would you two get a room? Oh, no, sorry. You're not allowed one.

Did you want something?

Ah. So sweet. And in love.

Don't worry, Lauren, you'll get a boyfriend, one day.

Who would've thought it, you settling for my little baby sister?

Who said I was settling?

What? Can't you take a real woman?

No wonder you ain't got a boyfriend.

-You all right, love?

-Shouldn't I be?

-Is someone feeling like a bit of a gooseberry?

-Shut up.

Don't know where the glasses have got to.

Oh, no, they're not in there any more, darling.

Everything's changed round here.

Thank you.

So sorry to hear about Rainie going. Still, least you won't have to call on Max again.

Morgan wants some more crisps.

So what happened to Walford's biggest boozer?

Without anyone driving me to it?

-You sure you ain't pregnant?

-Who knows? The amount me and Greg have been practising.

Max, I was just thinking, with you and Vanessa getting married

that me and Jodie should get a flat of our own.

I must be paying you too much!

Don't let Morgan take the crisps in the lounge.

No, I was just thinking, maybe you two want a bit more privacy.

Darren, I am banking on you to help me get shoes allowed back in this house.

There you go, mate.

Hiya.

What have you got there?

Morgan?

Morgan, your Auntie Ronnie's talking to you, mate.

Tiff?

Tiff!

Ronnie!

It doesn't matter.

I'll try again tomorrow.

Get Ian to cover again.

-Ian's not been covering.

-I know.

Well, why didn't you say?

Well, cos I just thought you'd tell me in your own time.

You'll find something new.

I just wanted to get us somewhere nice to live.

And you will.

We're OK here for now.

And we've got each other.

Yeah.

It'll get better.

I was so nervous, it was better to keep dancing. Know what I mean?

Kind of jumped around the room a bit, and then...

OK, steady income, two-bed flat and experience raising children.

How do we get that?

I don't know, I guess some more Amy, Kamil.

Parents on side.

What? That's what the adoption lady said!

Oh, yeah, she also said a stable and committed relationship.

Well, now you're pushing it.

Dad.

-He tried to kill my dad!

-He's still my father.

You went behind my back.

-I was just talking to him.

-Well, I don't want you talking to him.

-He terrifies me.

-Afia!

-And I don't...

I don't want him...

No. Please, don't.

We could all be cowboys, like that.

Is that silly?

Max Branning eating sushi. She really has got you where she wants you.

-Can't keep away today, can you? Everywhere I turn.

-Don't flatter yourself.

I don't have to. That's why you're here.

Bet she's got you on a diet, and all.

What's your problem? Oh, yeah, Vanessa's ring's bigger than the one I bought you.

-I couldn't care less about the size of Vanessa's ring.

-You do care.

That's why you lied to Greg.

And you know why, Tanya?

Because you want me. Right here, right now, you can't stand the fact I'm marrying someone else.

Vanessa. I'm so sorry.

So what is this? What, you just say something like that then walk off, wait for me to follow you?

Well, I don't know. You tell me.

-Do you want some help?

-No, I'm fine. This is exactly how I wanted to spend my engagement(!)

Honestly, darling, I'm fine.

You are so arrogant!

-You're deluded.

-You're smarmy.

-You're up yourself.

-Pompous.

-Pretentious.

-Lying.

-Twisted.

-Condescending.

-Patronising.

-Cocky.

-Vain.

-Egocentric.

-Self-important.

-Smug.

-Deceitful.

-Two-faced.

-Three-faced.

-Two-timing.

-Three-timing.

-Hypocritical.

-Insincere.

Poisonous.

Toxic.

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