21/07/2011 EastEnders

I can't just drop everything can I?

-Oh, Mum.

-All right, darling. What about the girls' dinner?...

-Lauren, you in for dinner tonight?

-No. But I was thinking...maybe we could have a chat later.

All right then but what about Oscar?

I'm sure Bob the Builder can look after him.

-I'll see you at the flat in an hour.

-OK.

Are you going to help me pack this stall up or what?

Oh, all right, Ryan.

Yeah, all right. What are you doing?

Nothing really, just hanging.

Do you fancy joining us for a drink later?

No, no, I've got better things to do, ain't I? Like go to work.

"Nothing, just hanging, you know."

Just shut it, Whitney.

Oh, come on, Lauren, don't be like that.

It's not my fault he's not interested.

-Who says he's not interested?

-Well, he was hardly in to you.

Yeah. No, you're right. He's not interested at all.

That's probably why he kissed me at Janine's party.

He kissed you?

Well, it was more I kissed him, I suppose.

No, Lauren! It's behind my back.

And you know with Ricky gone, I don't need this right now.

Where are you going?

-Just meet me at The Vic in an hour.

-Are you all right?

-Yeah, course.

Plenty more fish in the sea.

-All right.

-Jog on, mate.

All right?

She's ready for her first spin if you fancy it.

-No. It's OK. I've brought you a tea.

-Oh, thanks.

-I've spoken to Phil about tonight.

-You what?

-I didn't tell him we was gonna, you know...

I just said I need to do some work on my bike.

I told him I needed to do some work on my bike

so that we could have that place to ourselves.

All right.

Look. Abs.

I know that it isn't The Ritz, all right? But, you know, I'll make it nice for us. I promise ya.

Did you get the, er...

Oh, that's all taken care of.

So I'll see you later then?

Right, that's the kids dropped off at Dot's.

Do you want to use the bathroom first?

-I can't be bothered.

-Oh!

Well, let's hope that Norman stands down wind of you then.

How could she do that to me?

To her own brother. To them kids.

This is Janine that we're talking about, eh? What do you expect?

You know your problem, Pat, you're too soft.

Well, nobody could accuse you of that.

Look, why don't you put your glad rags on and go on this date with Norman. You can join me and Eddie.

It's not a date. Besides, I'm not in the mood.

Fine. So you're just going to mope around here and let Janine win, are you?

She already has.

Ricky's off half way round the world. And them kids are left without a mum and a dad yet again.

Yeah, but they've got two nans.

Mm, and the first thing we do is palm them off on Dot.

Those kids are more resilient than you think.

It's Liam I'm worried about.

Boys his age need their dads around them.

Trust me, I know.

Look, I am more than capable of sorting Liam out. Anyway, Ricky's not gone forever.

And Bianca'll be back before Christmas.

In the meantime, we can't put our lives on hold.

So. Are you going on this date or what?

It's not a date.

What do you think?

I think they're gross.

And luckily, that's what the woman who sold them to me for fifty quid thought.

They're worth about 200.

300 on a good day.

So you see, Liam. One man's tat is another man's treasure.

Milk or dark digestives?

-You choose.

-Milk it is.

-Who's that?

-It's Lauren and her latest drama.

-Yes, love.

-Oh, hello, darling.

-Oh, I can't stay. Gotta go.

All right.

Kids, eh? Who'd have them.

Me.

CASH REGISTER BEEPS

Come on, Jay. Go on, son.

-What is it with the birds round here?

-I wouldn't know. I've got a girlfriend.

-Oh, is it.

Don't stop you looking, does it?

-Yeah, it does me, yeah.

-Oh, right.

She must be pretty special then to stop you straying.

-Yeah, she is.

-She must be keeping you sweet between the sheets.

She is putting out, ain't she?

It's not like I don't want to do it.

-Too girly.

-Yeah, cos I feel...

I feel like, ready.

That's just gross.

Yeah, so you think I should then, right?

What do you think?

Oh, yeah, that's nice. What, you got a hot date later, have you?

What about you? You meeting up with Jay later?

SHE SIGHS

You sister and her moods. Honestly, I can't keep up.

What was that all about in the Minute Mart earlier?

-Mum, I...

-Sorry, darling...

-You were saying?

-I'm going to Bernadette's later.

Oh, right. Oh, lovely, that'll be good.

-OK, well I'll see you later then.

-Yeah.

-I want it to be special for Abi, you know.

-Yeah, of course.

-So any tips, from one slightly more experienced bloke to another?

-Er...

Just think of it like a boxing match.

Plenty of sparring before you go in for the knockout punch.

And of course.

Always wear the right protection.

Oh, no, Abi's taking care of that.

No. No my friend. Always go prepared.

No matter what they say.

Oh, you not going out after all?

-Yeah, I am actually.

-Oh, right.

Decided to dress down, did you?

Well, you know what suits you best, don't you?

What you doing all dressed up then?

Got to keep Greg on his toes, haven't I?

-Eh. Do you want to take me for a ride on your bike?

-Sorry, I can't. I got plans.

-Let me guess. With "Scabbie".

-Oi!

Gonna take Hannah Montana for a spin, are you?

Actually, me and Abi have got other plans for tonight.

-What she gonna do, let you touch her bra strap?

-A bit more than that, if you must know.

Yeah, well when she bottles it, just give me a call, eh?

SOFT MUSIC PLAYS

Oh, what's all this?

I just thought we could make the most of having the house to ourselves for a bit.

What's in the jacket?

I was just going to nip out and get us some wine.

It's all taken care of, darling.

-Great.

-Come on.

All right. Have fun.

No, Anthony, I'll deal with it, all right?

-What's up, Edward?

-Your brother.

-What's he done now?

It's more what he hasn't done.

Let's just say we're in the market for some new premises and quick.

So when are we going back to Upton Park then?

-I thought we could look for some premises around here.

-I don't know what you see in this dump.

But then again...

Looking lovely as always.

You don't look too bad, Carol, yourself.

PAT LAUGHS

I think Carol's a bit too old for a chaperone, Pat.

And you're not too old for a slap.

Promises.

I said Pat could join us.

She's got a date with Norman.

-It's not a date.

-It is a date.

-It ain't!

-Stand by your beds.

-Norman. This is Carol.

-Carol.

-Nice to meet you.

-And Eddie.

-Nice to meet you.

-I said we'd join them for a drink.

-I hope that's OK.

-A double date.

-It's like being a teenager all over again.

-Right, what will it be?

And no offence, mate, but you're just not my type.

I mean, don't get me wrong, you're fit and everything, yeah, but

there's plenty of other girls out there would be flattered or whatever

-but you just don't do it for me.

-This is a wind up, innit?

-No. I mean, my mate Lauren might be interested in you.

-What, that moody Emo chick?

-Yeah.

-No offence but she ain't really my type.

Why? Why, because she's got more than one brain cell?

No, too much of a nice girl.

I like my girls with a bit more edge, know what I mean?

Lauren.

-All right?

-All right.

-You look nice.

-Thank you.

You all set for your special night? Jay told me all about it.

Still. It's no big deal, really, is it?

Just try not to cry, eh?

And why would I do that?

You really haven't got a clue, have you?

What's the matter? Not feeling up to it?

Maybe you should just go home and play with your Barbie dolls.

I'm sure Jay won't mind waiting.

SOFT MUSIC PLAYS

So I've been thinking. How about we go and see mum and dad at the weekend

and let them know our plans for their first grandchild?

-You all right, babe?

-Hm?

Yeah, fine.

So what do you reckon?

Family outing and all that?

-This weekend?

-Yes. Yeah, sounds good that.

-Sounds great.

-Fab.

What's with the dress?

It's the new me.

-What was wrong with the old you?

-No-one noticed her, Whitney.

Well, in that dress and them boots, can't miss you.

I know, it's very Kate Moss!

Ooh, don't look now, Kate, but your plan's working.

Do you remember that knockdown "classic sports car"

that Frank bought that time?

Yeah, it turned out to be a ringer.

Yeah, but then he found a load of jewellery in the glove box.

Worth twice what he paid for the car!

Frank always was a lucky one. With money and the ladies.

I always remember him being skint and browbeaten.

Give me the choice and I'd take luck in love over money any day.

That's just as well as Janine's swanning around with your inheritance.

You know, I could still try and contest the will. If you want me to.

No. No, if that money means that much to her, then she can have it.

-We'll get by without it.

-Yes, we'll just feed four kids off of thin air.

It must be a great comfort to you, Pat, having such a ray of sunshine as a house mate.

That's good, that!

-Got some customers need serving.

-Yeah, all right. I'm coming.

Couldn't give us a hand behind here, could you? I mean we're rushed off our feet.

-Tracey's got a migraine.

-Me?

-Yeah you.

-Are you sure I won't scare off the customers?

Possibly.

I'll give you a hand if you like. It's more my territory.

No, it's all right. I can cope. I mean, how hard can it be? You managed it.

Remember.

Service with a smile.

MOTORBIKE REVS

-Right, just go now, will you?

-Come on. Let's go for a ride.

-You know you want to.

No. Just go now.

Abi'll be back in a minute.

I wouldn't count on it.

I saw her earlier. Looked like she'd bottled it.

-Did you say something to her?

-No. Course not.

What, you didn't actually think she'd go through with it, did you? She's just a scared little girl.

-No, Abi's all right.

-Too scared to ride your bike.

Too scared to do anything.

-I should go and find her.

-Why go looking when you can just stay here and get exactly what you want.

Why's your phone switched off?

Abs, you ain't see your mum anywhere, have you?

Ooh! Hello to you too.

-You all right, Abs?

-Yeah, great.

Right.

Come on. Tell me what's up.

And I had a screen test once to be Tom Cruise's body double.

Oh, yeah...

-Yeah, but I was too tall, weren't I?

-I'm gonna get a drink.

No, no, OK, come on, let's move on. Spot of clubbing.

It's a bit early for that, innit?

Carol ain't gonna serve me in here, is she? And why stay and watch

my aunt and your grandma slobbering over two old blokes?

So you up for clubbing?

Is the Pope Catholic?

-Right.

There you go. Three lagers, one pint...

And two gin and tonic's and a white wine spritzer. Now, that will be...

£19.80, please.

Cheers.

BOTH: Eh!

-Gin and tonic please, Carol.

-Yes.

HE MOUTHS

I need to change the barrel. Be back in a minute.

All right. See, nothing to it.

So how am I doing?

Not bad. For a novice.

You two make a good team.

And I thought it'd be worth something.

Like you said, one man's tat is another man's treasure.

Yeah, well, sometimes, Liam, one man's tat is another man's tat.

Where did you get it from?

I should be going.

Liam...

Everything all right?

Are you really sure you want to go through with this?

Yeah.

I love him.

You're still so young, Abs.

Well, how old were you when you done it?...

Yeah, well, I'm not exactly the world's best role model, am I?

And the first time you done it, was it with someone special?

No. No, not exactly. No.

So then I'm lucky, right?

You talked to your mum about this?

She barely notices me these days.

So, erm, will you buy the condoms for me?

I thought we were going to Shoreditch.

Yeah, why waste time going there when we've got a perfectly good club right here?

She's quite the party animal, your mate.

Yeah, I don't think it's for your benefit.

-So, what do you think of my new look then?

-What new look's that then?

I saw you looking at me earlier.

I know that you like me.

So why pretend that you don't?

Lauren. Go home.

Oh, what is wrong with you?

You're pathetic!

Fine. I'll just go have some fun with Tyler, then.

-Where is Tyler?

-He's gone, babe.

Lauren, maybe it's time you just called it a night.

Whit, take her home, will you?

-Come on.

-Get off me.

Liam, it's like they say.

Life gives you lemons, make lemonade.

-I prefer cola.

-Well, anytime you're missing your dad, you can always come round and have a cola with me.

What about school?

I think it's best if we keep that between us.

What exactly are you planning on keeping between the two of you?

-Have you been bunking off?

-Go easy on him, Carol.

It says that you've not been to school for three days.

Why haven't you been to school, Liam?

Where have you been instead?

Liam?

-He's been with me.

-What?

-I've been teaching him about antiques.

-Oh, right, so antiques is on the national curriculum now, is it?

-He just needed some time out.

-It's school. The place that we're legally obliged to send our kids to.

-Well, school never did me much good.

-Clearly.

-What's that supposed to mean?

Well, maybe if you'd gone to school a little bit more, you'd have learnt right from wrong.

Do you think I want Liam turning into some drifting, morally-bankrupt chancer?

Now you're just being rude.

What's the matter, truth hurt, does it?

Well, let's see, shall we?

You are a narrow minded, repressed, control freak.

Yeah, I'd say the truth definitely hurts.

You stay away from Liam. And you stay away from me, all right?

Come on, out.

Is everything all right?

Everything's fine. Just stay and enjoy your drink.

You all right?

Quite a piece of work your mate, isn't she?

Look, I'm really sorry about that.

-You all right?

-Me?

I'm invincible.

Oh, is that right?

Careful, you're beginning to sound like you care.

Well, I just don't like to see people taken advantage of, that's all.

Chip?

He's all yours.

What was that about?

Nothing happened, all right.

She just threw herself at me and I just knocked her back.

Nothing happened. I swear to you.

Oh, right, so I suppose you didn't tell her about us then either?

She was winding me up and I just wanted to shut her up.

What, by bragging about what we're going to do?

No. By explaining to her that I wasn't interested.

-Why not? She's pretty.

-She's not as pretty as you.

Yeah well, she obviously has a lot more experience.

Doesn't matter.

-Doesn't it?

-No.

I love you.

I love you too.

-Give us a hand, son.

-Right, who's next?

-That'd be me.

-Excuse me!

Have you got ID?

You're joking, right?

You're lucky I don't bar you after that little stunt you tried to pull.

OK, tell you what, why don't you take me upstairs, get me a drink and I'll make...

Lauren, what was all that? What do you think you're doing?

Oh, look, it's daddy dearest.

Are you drunk?

So what if I am?

Service, please!

You shouldn't be drinking.

Oh, what, is this you taking the moral high ground?

-Now that is funny.

-That's enough. Don't be cheeky with me.

You're a hypocrite.

You lie. And you cheat. And you ruin people's lives.

So take a good look at me, Dad, because this is what you've created.

That's enough. That's enough! Go home, Lauren. Do you hear me?

Go home!

What's the matter?

Don't you want anyone to know your dirty little secret?

Well, maybe I'll just fill everyone in then, yeah...

Get off! Put me down!

Dad! Can you put me down?

Well, there's never a dull moment round here, is there?

You should see it when it really kicks off.

Another drink?

Oh, I better not.

-I should get back and check that Liam's OK.

-Of course.

-Pat?

-Yeah?

Will I...

-Will I see you again?

-Why not?

Pop in, if you're passing.

What was that all about?

Search me. Funny lot round here.

Amen to that. So, like you said, I think we're better off out of here.

Now let's not be too hasty. I think I could get used to it.

Well, don't get too used to it.

We're moving back to Upton Park.

-But I...

-It makes sense.

That's where our trade is.

We're never gonna find a premises round here quick enough.

Sorry for the wait.

Did you get the, erm?

I couldn't get them.

I'm really sorry. I went into the shop but...

-I'm really sorry.

-All right, don't worry.

I've got one.

-I can't.

-Oh, you what?

I'm really sorry. I can't, Jay. I'm not ready.

-But you said you was.

-I know. I know.

And I thought I was. But I can't.

I don't believe this.

Please don't be angry.

Jay, say something.

-Well, is it me?

-What?

-Don't you fancy me or something?

No. No, of course not. How could you even think that?

Cos it ain't the first time you've done it to me, is it?

I mean, if you keep messing me about. Maybe it's time you grew up.

-Well, if it means that much to you, why don't you give Lola a call.

-Yeah, well maybe I will.

-Look, I didn't mean it.

-Oh, forget it.

You're dumped!

There are all sorts of things we can do

to significantly aid conception.

If this is your idea of getting me in the mood, it's not working.

Oh, darling, I'm sorry if it's all a bit full on for you. It's just...

the idea of having a baby with you is the most amazing idea in the world.

Listen, darling, just stop worrying, all right? Relax.

-All right, Dad. I can walk.

-Go on. Stay up.

Let's see what your mum's got to say.

Tan?

-Oh, sorry, I weren't interrupting anything, was I?

-What's happening?

It's just your daughter's drunk. She's throwing herself at any man in Walford.

-And he's exaggerating, as usual.

-Right. Lauren, get to your room.

-I'm not a child, Mum.

-Is that it? "Get to your room."

-What do you think that's gonna do?

-Just calm down a minute.

-Sorry, was I talking to you, Noddy.

-Max!

-Why are you letting her go out dressed like that?

Well, don't worry, it won't be happening again in a hurry cos you, you're grounded.

What? You can't do that?

Er, I think you'll find I can. And I just did. So get upstairs and sober up.

Come on, Lauren, I'll give you a hand up to your room. Come on.

I'm fine, I can walk thank you very much.

Wait, my bag, my bag.

-This must be a proud moment for you.

-Lauren, come on.

-Leave it, I'll deal with in in the morning.

-Sorry, you can talk.

I mean, last time I looked she was your daughter and all.

You're a joke. You know that? You want another kid. You can't even look after the ones you've got.

I'm so sorry. I couldn't get away.

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