08/08/2011 EastEnders

Oh!

This place!

There's always something, isn't there?

Mind you,

you've seen more than your fair share.

If only you could talk...

BANGING ON DOOR

-Tell him I'm not here. Tell him I'm on holiday!

-What?

Lister! Light bulbs!

SHE GASPS

Mr Lister? Runs the market?

-Probably red faced and out of breath cos he's been checking light bulbs.

-OK.

-No. Well, look, if you see him...

-OK.

-..will you tell him that Mo says she's not here

because she's gone on holiday? Thank you.

WOLF WHISTLE

-Morning.

-Morning.

WOMAN SCREAMS

Alfie, what's the time?

Alfie, what's the time?!

-Alfie!

-ALFIE GRUNTS

-Get up!

-What?

Oh, my head...!

Shenice, what are you doing...? Oh! Ow.

You all right?

Gizzards, I can deal with. Haggis...

You know, I've even plucked a pheasant once, but I draw the line at long wiggly things, Billy!

You're my witness.

I don't care what the theme is, this is me firmly drawing a line!

Blimey!

What are you doing with Julie's mop?

She's left me.

Me and Lola... we need the money.

It was your idea - "Kat, it don't need to be a night, does it?

"Tell you what, how about lunch hour tomorrow,

"knees up, mother brown, cor blimey trousers."

Oi, it was inspiring!

-You were hammered.

-Slightly, but very inspired.

What happens if the kids keep staying up late, eh?

-We get out of our routine.

-We don't get to spend any time on our own.

-I know.

-I get cheeky. Tom gets grumpy.

-But he's a Pearly King though!

He told you that after a few rum and cokes and a free packet of pork scratchings?

He is a man with greasy hair that likes dressing up in buttons.

Tyler caught Eddie and Carol with their kit off on the sofa. At it hammer and tongs.

-Where will find buttons?

-Kat, it's a rare business opportunity!

-Nan!

-Listen... Will you watch my shirt?

We'll just get round the Joanna, bit of pie and mash... What's there not to like?

You need your milk, don't you? Kat, just stick the kettle on! You watch my shirt all right.

Just be careful. Kat!

I'm quite partial to a jellied eel, and pie and mash.

-They were supposed to be in a jar.

-You do it in, then.

-I ain't doing it in! You do it in. Here.

-They were supposed to be in jelly!

-There's never just one in there.

-These are going straight back.

-I-I could do it.

-Yeah, course you could(!)

Right back. Right now.

-Eels are slippery.

-As soon as it stops going to answer phone.

-Are you trying to kill it or give yourself a panic attack?

-All right, you do it.

Yeah, all right.

All right.

-Dad!

-Ohh.

-You into this Pearly Kings and Cockney songs thing?

-No, mate, I'm tone deaf.

-Kat, has he been in?

-Who, Lister?

-Fat Elvis!

-Fat Elvis?

The word is, he's out. I'm a woman, Kat.

I got a woman's needs.

-Ohh. Yeah.

-Give him here, I'll take him up.

We going to practise?

Least your grandma's trying not to make a show of you, doing it behind closed doors.

-Doing what?

-Hammering Eddie on the sofa with a pair of tongs.

Hammering?

With tongs.

Sorted! I love it when a plan comes together.

-I love it when you don't pretend you're in the A Team.

-What?

-What's this plan?

Tommy needs feeding, Shenice ain't been washed...

and nobody chooses to sit round a piano and sing, even if there's been a power cut.

I spend my whole life dodging your good ideas and...

-And moaning, I know, all the time.

-All right, moaning...

-but this is about me and you.

-Yes. What about me and you, eh?

Ohh. Kat, I know.

Sweetheart, I know, but we've got baby Tommy,

Shenice. We've got half the family sleeping under the same roof. Where's the time?

-We need to make time.

-Yeah, we will.

I promise, we will. I totally agree with you. But we've got a pub to run, that was the plan.

We got rent to pay, we got to keep the pub afloat. Me and you, we were born to do this.

Give me a smile. When them doors open up, we give them the old Moon magic, no matter rain,

come shine, we put on our smiles. We give the punters what they want. Cos me and you, princess, we -

come on, give me a smile - we are a winning team, all right?

Yes.

Light bulbs.

HE SIGHS

-You got to arouse them.

-I've got to learn to say no, that's what I've got to do.

No...

No. Thank you. No.

No. Sorry. No, Alfie. No. I don't care if you've met the King of Buttons.

In this kitchen, you get sausage surprise or a fishy basket, that is my limit.

-Have you got any salt?

-So it's like suffocating, this rousing?

-I had that once with that spray-on deodorant, do you remember?

-Yeah, yeah.

Should only take a couple of hours.

No! No.

-Thank you.

-Are you having snakes for dinner?

-I could cut the heads off if you want them done quicker.

-Yeah, I expect you can.

-That is well cruel.

-Sometimes life is cruel, sweetheart.

-Yes. Cruel...

and extreme and...

absolutely not the necessary reaction, thank you.

-Jeanie...is there something you want to discuss?

-<

-Jean?

Jean, I want you to meet my inspiration - the one and only King Norman.

Oh, perfect timing! Perfect. Ooh!

You were heaven sent!

Kat, Kat... I'll get Tracey's rate if I cover her shift, right?

You should get up there and sing. You love singing, go on.

Come on now, man. It's a long, long, long, long way from the kitchen to here!

Considerable wear and tear to the soles of me shoes.

(Get six of Mo's light bulbs as well.)

-Mum, please, I am not singing.

-All right, Patrick, yes.

Fine then, don't. Kat, I'll get up there, belt out Lambeth Walk. I know all the words.

-That'll show you up. Shall I do that, shall I?

-Mum!

-All right.

Just cos you're on holiday, falling out with Lola every five minutes.

She took the rise out of me in front of my boyfriend.

Doodling pictures of Jay when you should be doing your art project? Some of us have got to work!

What is the matter with you?

Don't know.

Yeah, well, whatever it is, you want to take some tablets for it.

Kids, eh?

Just got to roll out the barrel, all right?

Yeah. Everything's great.

I'm great. Lola's great.

Brilliant!

Listen, will they mind if I eat my own food while we chat?

Only my homeopath's got a downer on wheat products.

And gluten. And dairy.

-I'm trying to crack this sleep thing.

-Don't worry about it. I'm staff.

-Sit yourself down and have your salad.

-Thanks.

We're practising Cockney songs.

-We're just practising.

-In here. On our own.

Won't take long. Hurry up!

I'm a disaster magnet.

-Are you?

-Oh, yeah.

Accident waiting to happen, me mother used to say.

When you know someone's watching you, willing you to trip over...

-You do!

-Yeah!

-You fall right over, don't you?

Drop it, spill it,

leave it in the toaster till it's burnt to a crisp!

Let's just say Lady Luck is not a pal of mine.

You know, my uncle dying was one of the only truly good things to ever happen to me.

Not the actual dying bit, obviously. Course I wouldn't wish that, no.

The passing of the crown...

OK, three pies and mash, and one kid's fishfingers.

Did he leave you an actual crown?

-Can they have baked beans not peas, please?

-Yes, thank you, Patrick!

Well, not an actual crown, but a lot of very interesting stuff you'd like to...

Well, we must make a date.

-A date?

-Well, not a...

What the hell!

-I would love to, Norman! I would love to see your memorabilia!

-Oh!

I tell you what. Why don't you go out and meet your public

and I'll cook you a proper Pearly dinner, and look out my calendar?

-I...well...

-Yes. Yes. I will not take no for an answer!

CLATTERING

Well, that is... There I go again. True to form. Par for the course.

It's all right, Norman.

I'd like to.

Careful now! Go steady. You don't want to get Shaky into trouble, do you?

And no spilling nothing.

Shaky's got to have this lot up Poplar by seven, before they notice it's missing.

Cheers, tiger!

Easy now. Go on, you can see yourself out.

Mo, what's happened to the buttons on my shirt, love?

-Kitchen. Kat had a plan then remembered she don't do sewing.

-Oh...

What's Fat Elvis going to do when he finds out you've got a new model?

-He'll come marching round here all macho and have a fit, Alfie.

-Whatever.

-Him and Shaky might even have a fight, all right?!

-Yeah!

Come on, girls, what you sorting out?

Let's not fall out about it. Let's try and be grown-ups.

I got to pretend I give a monkey's, then eat my dinner in front of an audience. Will the fun never end(?)

You always been such a selfish prat?

-You try sitting between your wives, before and after, talking about the weather.

-I ain't got an option.

Well, count your blessings, smiler.

Same again?

Yeah.

-Do you want one?

-I'm working.

-Yeah.

Look, I'm, um... I'm sorry.

Tommy.

It got complicated. The last... There's no excuses.

I was out of line before Ronnie went down, I just wanted to see him, that was all.

How sorry?

Let me just buy you a drink?

Have you heard this?

-Well, that's what Tiffs told Abs on the way to the toilet.

-Carol and Eddie.

-What?

-And a toolbox.

So, that's school,

GP registration and, to update, your cousin is paying the rent now.

Yeah, yeah.

Phil. I've got the cheque here, tenancy agreement...

-That's very generous. That's the kind of family

-I

-need.

-And you and Julie are getting some routines in place for Lola?

-Thing is, Phil owed me, anyway.

And Julie's happy with the way things are working out?

Billy?

Cooking doesn't get much tougher than this!

No, that's right, John. And I am taking my inspiration

from tradition and the fact that my great-nan was born by a bell.

So...

I think you'll be pleasantly surprised!

-Don't they do low fat?

-They don't. I knew they didn't do low fat.

Have you tried exfoliating first?

No, we don't do low-fat eels and we don't do low-fat beef pies, funnily enough(!)

-I'll just have the mash.

-Yeah, I'll just have the mash.

-I can't. I get a rash exfoliating.

-No butter, no milk, no cream, though.

-It must be your product.

You don't need to watch your figure. That's what I am here for.

And you're most probably rubbing too hard.

I'm glad you've told me.

I just... I just want to do what's right by Lola.

-If I'm not the best person for her now...

-Yeah.

So, what happens now?

Do I get a chance to say good...?

She's had so many people walk away from her already, you know?

You get some routines in place and you make sure she's set to start her new school.

If Julie wasn't completely on board then maybe...

Well, now you can focus all your efforts on your granddaughter, can't you?

-The day after tomorrow?!

-Two weeks in Mexico, Just you and me.

-That's so romantic.

-Yeah.

It's got to have its advantages, ain't it? You and me not making babies.

-Um, too much information, thank you.

-Thank you.

-I was looking at a month in the Seychelles for our honeymoon.

-It's not a competition, V.

Ohh! It won't work.

-It won't work!

->

-What?

-Why won't it do the decent thing, Alfie, and just stick together?!

SHE SHRIEKS

Oh, yes. You had to have your wits about you back then, or you'd starve.

-Can't you tell Grandma Carol you couldn't find me?

-Ssh!

Dirt poor they were. Costermongers, factory workers.

Poor people, living round here, where the water was rotten. No inside lav!

Even the kids drank gin.

And the rich people, they stayed up the West End, posing about in their pearls.

-I've drunk gin.

-Have you? Oh, well, anyway...

This one road sweeper, he takes the Michael. He sews buttons -

poor man's jewels - he sews buttons all over his raggy clothes, even the hat,

and in the pattern he writes, "All for charity."

And soon, every borough in London's got a Pearly King and a Queen,

and what bees and honey they raised! It goes to the hospitals and such.

And that is your East End inheritance.

That is your tradition - poor people helping out their own.

Careful, Pat - he's going to start singing "chim chiminey", dancing on the rooftops.

-Patrick, is that grub around?

-I'll check.

Anyone after light bulbs?

-Why do bees go to hospital?

-No, love. Bees and honey.

-Money!

-Cherry Hogg?

-Dog.

-Titfer?

-Tat!

I thought I told you to be home by one.

Have I got two heads, or something?

Has he gone?

-You what?

-Lister.

Do you think he likes me?

I think he likes you.

I, um... I think he could be the one, Jode.

THEY SHRIEK AND GIGGLE

CRYING ON MONITOR

I never knew if that was him crying or just chatting. If you want,

I can do a couple of pints, if you want to go and check Tommy.

I've got enough bar staff, thanks.

Jack, come on.

-Meet me outside.

-No.

-Meet me!

HE SIGHS

Come on.

BABY GURGLES

I can't remember the last time I met someone and just suddenly clicked.

It doesn't happen often in life, Alfie.

Tell you what, Jean. Come give us a hand with some of these dinners, then go and find out, yeah?

Good girl. You stir that for me.

Just needs a bit more salt. Good girl, we're on it!

I miss you.

Sorry.

I think I'm...

BABY GURGLES

He's growing up, ain't he?

You're growing up.

I can see that from a distance.

He's going to be a proper heart-breaker, ain't he?

I'm sorry.

God...

It's all right.

I know it's not your fault.

She is a bad influence on my granddaughter.

Bad influence, my foot. You heard the one about the pot and the kettle, Carol?

I beg your pardon?

Everyone round here knows that you and him were getting lucky in the living room.

-Chocolate body paint!

-Well, I heard a blow-up hammer and a power adaptor.

ALL LAUGH AND SNIGGER

Carol...

Oi!

DOORS CRASH OPEN

-How dare you talk about me?

-I...

-How dare you tell everybody about us getting caught, like we're a teenage joke...

-I didn't! I don't...

That is just gossip, Chinese whispers. Inaccurate jealousy.

I mean, I didn't see any body paint.

Hey, come on. Let's have a coffee.

-No.

-Oh?

Not today.

Tiffany! >

Jean, Jean. Hold on a second, sweetheart.

Now, Norman... Look at me! Norman's going to love your pies

cos you are a lovely lady... and you are a master chef. Go on. Go, go, go.

-A fiver to your favourite charity.

-Go on.

-Friar Tuck.

-SNIGGERING

Luck. Good luck. Best of luck.

I can cover the salon. If Tyler's the one, Pops, you got to stay and smile, and that.

-Tyler's trying to pull your mum, Jode.

-Ohh.

I think Tyler's just ANOTHER one, you know?

Oh. Like Julian?

Like Julian.

And Adrian.

And Simon, really.

Come on, let's go.

-Fat Elvis is in the kitchen.

-Is he?

-You should go see him.

Yeah, I think I will go and see him.

You have got to learn some things are not for little ears, eh?

Some things are private.

-I don't want you to go on holiday with him.

-This from the man who's planning his honeymoon?!

-You can't go.

-I can do what I want with my own husband.

You drag me out here, here in full view, start laying down the law?!

Sorry, Max, you don't get to say any more.

Tanya!

Stop playing stupid games.

You make this blow up in our faces, I swear I will never forgive you, Max.

-It's you that got us here, lying and cheating.

-So, what do you want to do? Find a corner? Crawl away and hide?

That's really working for us, ain't it, Tanya?

Let's learn one thing from the last who knows how many years.

What are you saying?

What exactly are you saying?

I don't know. It's the quiet...

It just gets so I'd rather be anywhere else rather than the flat.

This is my best part of the day, this.

Half hour, give my face a rest from smiling.

I've seen me and him sneak in here in the middle of the night just...

Well, it's bound to get busy, ain't it?

A pub full, day in day out.

Not that I mind. I really don't.

And like Alfie says - I've got everything I've ever wanted.

More.

I'm glad for you.

Oi.

I'm lucky, ain't I?

No, you're kind.

It's the old cliche, ain't it?

You don't know what you want till it's gone.

You hold on to what you got, Kat.

You don't deserve to be sad.

Hey! Shh, shh, shh.

Shh, shh.

-We're parents, Max. We've got partners and businesses...

-That ain't right.

-..bills, responsibilities.

Happiness - that's a glass of wine and no-one nagging. Where does "happiness" fit in?

-Tan, we're with the wrong people. You know we are.

-Tell you what I know.

I know that you are never satisfied.

Me, I'm an idiot.

I guarantee you, Max, if we did do it right, we'd tear up those kids, screw Greg and Vanessa over.

Two months... Two months, you'd be twitching.

-Six months, I'd be left holding the baby, you'd be lining up another Stacey. I know you.

-I love you.

-Shut up.

-I do, I love you.

-Didn't matter what I said. Julie just wouldn't listen.

-Yeah, well...

It's only queens that get to have kings fall in love with them, don't they?

Just didn't want to know.

-All right?

-Hey, Michael.

-Jean.

-Oh!

-Is my old man at it with Carol Jackson?

-Ohh...

What is the wrong with you, Max? Walking out without a word.

You do know you've got the house keys?

-Good work.

-"See all, say nothing." That's our motto.

-Sorry, Michael.

-Course.

But...I wouldn't be surprised if Carol has got more than inflatable hammers to worry about.

Sorry?

Letters.

Whatever you do, don't ask Eddie about the letter from Chingford.

-What?

-Disconcertingly angry he was.

I've had enough. If you don't want to sit down and write our wedding to-do list,

then don't write a to-do list. But you do not stand me up here.

SHE SIGHS

Where are you, Max?

I'm sick of being your latest affair.

-Remind me how we got together the first time.

-I've grown up. I have grown up.

Come on, Max. You know this isn't right.

We've been gone too long.

Give me a couple of minutes, follow me out.

-YOU give it a...

-You want to go out together?

-Don't be so stupid!

So, where do we stand?

I can't. I want it to be over. I'm going on holiday, Max, and when I come back, I want it to be over.

You don't mean that. You know I won't let you.

It's too big, Max. The fallout from all this, it's too big.

It doesn't matter what I want.

The one thing I know - nothing stays secret for ever, does it?

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