05/09/2011 EastEnders

-I liked it when it was just the two of us.

-Oh, Arthur, so did I.

But, you see, life,

it evolves and we have to...

evolve with it. Rose, she is my sister by my mother and I had to take her in, it was my duty.

It was the charitable thing to do.

Yeah, but I heard her last night outside my room. She was...lurking!

It's the call of nature, Arthur.

Sometimes, when people get older, you know, the call comes more frequent

and they have to answer it quick, whether it be day or night.

-Yeah, but she's hawking me.

-Hawking?

-Yeah.

You know, she's looking at me like she's some big bird of prey and I'm her dinner.

and she's going to swoop down and pick me up and carry me off.

-Oh, dear.

-I know.

Two nights on the trot.

-How long's it going to go on for?

-He's the one with all the answers.

I know he hurt you.

Don't try and justify what he said, Jean, just don't, all right?

He can either stay on the sofa or clear off for all I care.

I can manage fine on my own.

So can Tommy.

And so can this one.

Tan.

Tan?

-Sorry?

-Our honeymoon? Honeymoon?

Are you all right?

Yes. Sorry, yes...honeymoon!

Vegas sounds fantastic.

There might not be a honeymoon if we can't find Amira, get this one divorced.

Right, well...brainstorming time. You two can be the fairies, I'll be the Godmother.

Let's work out a way of you living happily ever after, shall we?

-Yeah, mate, dream on.

-What you doing?

-Your job.

-Well, go upstairs cos I'm here now.

-Don't forget to count the mixers.

-Done it before, remember?

I thought all you had to do was say "I divorce you" three times?

That's the Muslim part of it, but it has to be done legally like everyone else.

So Syed's asked around the community and nobody knows anything.

More likely they do know and just don't want him to find her.

Private detective!

They'll track her down.

We can't afford one, darling.

Chances are they'll take the money and still not find her.

Put an ad in the paper or put a picture up saying "Have you seen this woman?"

Tan! She's not a lost dog!

I don't even know why we're bothering. I bet we find her and she still won't give you a divorce.

-Just out of spite.

-Amira's not spiteful.

-She's not anything.

Something is up, isn't it?

No.

I had a row with me mum on Friday and I chucked her out.

I just wish she'd come and collect her stuff and disappear.

-You don't mean that.

-I do.

-Got enough on my plate without her breathing down my neck.

-What's up?

Nothing, just...family stuff.

You know, juggling too many balls.

This should be a time for great celebrating.

It's like someone up there's been thinking about the missing bit of the jigsaw

to make the family whole

and here you are... with child, as they say.

You should swing that past Alfie.

He might well go for immaculate conception.

It's just a shock, that's all.

It was a shock for me an' all. I have not been with anyone else.

-I know you haven't. I believe you.

-Yeah?

Why can't he?

-All right?

-I'm all right.

-Ain't seen you about.

No, because I've got a pub to run, Michael.

LADS! Oi! Stop talking! Why don't you get a move on, eh? Standing here all day, waiting for you pair!

-What's she done then?

-What you on about?

-That look on your face.

-What's Kat done?

-I'm not discussing my marriage with you even if there was anything to discuss.

Which of course, there isn't, thank you, Michael.

The cold-shoulder treatment? That's a shame as you're the only cousin...

the only family, in fact that I'd give a kidney to.

Give me a kidney? More like sell me one. 50% discount and the rest at 26% over the next 25 years?

-Yeah.

-He knows me so well.

Stop with the raise-y eyebrow thing cos it's nothing. You ain't got to worry.

You can't kid a kidder.

Tell me, it won't go any further.

Just a row.

-Something and nothing, that's all.

-You sure?

Yeah, sure. Listen, if you want to pop in later for a drink,

it'll be on me.

-I will.

-Good, see you then.

It's his kid!

-I've a good mind to get rid, that'll teach him.

-Don't be silly!

You don't mean that.

Course I don't.

Most women, when find out they're having a baby, there's champagne and parties.

I find out and it's a flamin' inquisition!

What you going to do?

I'm not going to let him get to me. I've done nothing wrong

and I will not be made to feel guilty.

I'm very fond of Arthur.

and I won't have him feeling his home ain't his home no more.

Well, I'm very surprised he thinks I don't like him because I do.

He's got a certain something about him that reminds me of Omar Sharif.

Well, I don't know about Omar Sharif but there's plenty rooms in that house for us to live in harmony.

Mind you, there'd be a bit more harmony if you was to pay board like you said you would.

I'm looking. But there's not much going for a mature lady the wrong side of 50.

You won't see 70 again, darling.

Not that it's any of your business but I'm nowhere near 70!

Dot, I've heard the doctor in the square is looking for a new receptionist.

-That won't suit you.

-Why not? I've worked in a surgery before.

That won't suit because Dr Khan is my doctor.

I can just about tolerate you having access to my kitchen cupboards

-and drawers but I don't want you having access to my medical records.

-But you want me to get a job

and that Dr Khan is very tasty.

No. I forbid it!

Hello darlin', ain't seen you in here for a while.

Pint, is it? Or you in training?

Blimey look at the size of them guns, you have been a busy boy.

Give a married woman a thrill.

Phwoar, look at that.

You going to ask him to do a DNA test?

-You can stop looking at me like that.

-Like what?

You think I don't know what I'm doing.

-You're not the first woman to underestimate me.

-I just get a bit jumpy around electrics.

I don't want to use the toaster and have my hair standing on end.

I used to repair all sorts in my shop.

Radios were a speciality.

So you definitely know what you're doing?

Pat, we've established we're friends. Nothing more

so lock away the critical tone and throw away the key.

Girlfriends and wives can criticise all they like,

friends, thin on the ground as they are,

have to be supportive. is that too much to ask?

-As long as you're supportive of me an' all. It goes both ways.

-Deal.

Right, there you go.

Bread.

Course.

Come here.

Oh, look the thingies are going all red.

-The elements.

-Whatever.

Oh, thanks, Half-Pint.

-Want a cup of tea to go with that?

-Half-Pint by name, half pint by nature. Fancy a friendly G&T?

I've never known an unfriendly one.

-Excuse me, doctor.

-Yes?

I was just coming to see you.

I'm not ill or anything. I have heard you're looking for a new receptionist.

How do you fancy a spot of bigamy?

Mind you, it might not be bigamy to marry a man when you're already married to a woman.

Yeah, that'll go down well(!) Me in the dock trying to explain

that one to the judge while my mum screams from the gallery for me to be publicly flogged.

-I've got another idea.

-Go for it.

She'll have a doctor, won't she? Medical records? Could always ask Yusef?

-I'm not involving him.

-He'd know how to find her doctor.

And then what? We wait outside the surgery on the off chance?

I want to find Amira as much as you do but forget it.

-I'm not asking for Yusef's help and neither are you, OK?

-All right.

I'm not standing for this, Alfie. I'm not having you think what you're thinking. It's not fair.

-I've done nothing wrong!

-Kat.

-This is your baby.

-This is medical, OK.

I cannot have babies. Can you explain that?

-No...

-No, you can't! Exactly.

-Maybe Jean's right, maybe it's a miracle.

-Please stop.

Miracles don't happen, all right?

Don't they? We buried a baby and then

four months later we're holding him in our arms and kissing his laughing face.

If that ain't a miracle, I don't know what is.

All right. That was our miracle, it doesn't happen twice.

It does, Alfie!

It does.

-I've just had that conversation with another lady.

-She got any experience?

-You've worked in a doctor's surgery before?

-No.

-No, but I've thrown drunks out of pubs.

-It's hardly the same.

Look, I'll note your interest.

-I want a word with you.

-Mrs Moon?

-Tell him he's got me pregnant.

-I'm sorry?

You told me I had one in the oven, only Doubting Thomas reckons another baker's stuck it in.

-Do you have to bring everyone in on this?

-He's a doctor.

-I don't care! I can't have kids! No offence, Doc.

-How do you know?

-What?

-That you're infertile?

-That's the medical term.

When I was in Spain a few years ago, I had some tests. I had a...

a low thingy count.

Except the one that's been holding back ready to prove to the rest who's the daddy.

-Shut up.

-No!

-It could happen.

-What?

-Fertility can change in a man.

Come over this afternoon. I'll fit you in.

-What for?

-I think you need some new tests.

Tanya. Tanya.

I'm not in the mood to fight, Mum.

Suits me. I don't want to talk about Friday. I do want to say something.

You've had two husbands. One was a lying cheat. The other, a waste of space.

Good body, I grant you, but otherwise looked like fixtures and fittings.

I didn't understand either of your marriages.

You didn't understand mine.

Yes, I did. I grew up in it.

So, Abi and Lauren get you and Max, do they?

Understand everything that happened?

-Well...

-Course they don't. You're not moving back in, Mum.

I'm sorry. I can't deal with any more.

I'm your mother Tanya. Let me help.

I don't need your help.

-Fancy a cup a tea, Dot?

-Oh, that's ever so kind of you.

I've let this go cold.

Do you mind if I join you? I'm at a bit of a loose end.

No, not at all. I won't be here long, I just popped in for a snack

before I went and visited Jim, that's my husband.

Where is he?

He's...in a nursing home.

He needs specialist care.

Must be hard for you.

Yes.

-Know what today is?

-No.

It's the anniversary of the day I met my husband William.

That's funny. My best friend, Ethel, she had a husband called William.

I was running for the bus, he was a bus conductor. He grabbed me and pulled me up.

41 years to the day.

You're lucky, Dot. He might be in a home

but you've still got him.

Yes.

Can I be straight?

I overheard you talking to Rose, you got plenty of room at your place.

-Don't fancy another lodger, do you?

-Oh, I don't know about that.

I'm at the B&B. I'll pay my way.

You know what Kim's like, you don't wear trousers, she ain't interested.

-I know what you mean.

-You get to our time of life

and you don't want to keep shifting from place to place.

You're looking for somewhere permanent then?

Only, you see, I've got Arthur to think of.

He's a lovely boy, but he's a creature of habit, I don't want to upset him,

cos he don't like nothing disruptive.

No worries.

If my own daughter don't want me,

I can't expect anyone else to take me in.

-Right, I'll take over from here.

-No, go and get a table. I'm getting these in.

-Pat, please.

-Sit.

It is real.

You think I'll take your word for it?

It's funny. I was talking to my accountant the other day and I don't think I could spend all of my money.

Even if I tried really, really hard.

Isn't that funny?

It's hysterical(!)

-17!

-Over here!

-Stop it.

-What?

-Panicking because he's sat there.

-I'm not panicking.

I'm just trying to get a better grip on these plates.

Just accept the fact he's not interested.

And it's his loss.

You getting a kick out of this, are you?

Is this about Jean?

-Oh, so you are aware of her then?

-Of course I am. Look...

No. You look. I know your game, all right?

You throw the net wide, see what's out there before pouncing on an old trout. I won't have you hurt Jean.

I've no intention of hurting her.

You got two tickets for some skiffle thing and stood her up!

What do you mean "stood her up"? I was never going with her!

You say that cos she's stood there.

Jean was moping all night.

No. I gave her two tickets.

How could she think I was going with her? You believe me, Pat?

If this is Jean, she'll have probably got hold of the wrong end of the stick, as usual.

No, this is him playing games.

Sat there like butter wouldn't melt and you laughing like the cat that's got the cream.

Well, I hate to disappoint you, Tiddles, but I reckon the cream's a bit sour.

-Well, you'd know all about playing games, wouldn't you?

-What do you mean by that, Pat?

You've played off so many men against each other you deserve a lifetime achievement award.

In fact, they should rename this pub The Slapper Kat!

Pat, are you all right?

Don't worry about her, she's had worse things thrown in her face.

-Let's get you home.

-You know what, Pat, the beer facial really suits you.

Oh, shut up, Janine.

What are you doing here anyway?

Oh, I know. Trying to buy friends with your money?

Cos let's face it, nobody'll want to spend time with you for nothing.

You'd know all about charging by the hour, wouldn't you, Pat!

You do know she used to be a prostitute? What am I talking about?

Of course you did! Why else would you be sniffing around her.

Doing deals for OAPs?

Who do you think you're talking to?

This woman took you and your siblings on. She gave you a home.

-Don't let it get to you. I'm used to it.

-Well, you shouldn't be!

Me and my sister may well have had our differences but I know she was

a good woman and she wanted the best for her children.

And many the time Frank and me would sit in a pub and after a few he'd bring out the photos. His kids.

I can tell you this, Janine, if your parents were here right now, they'd look at you with disappointment

and disgust in their eyes.

You are a manipulative, spoilt little girl, Janine.

I'm ashamed to be related to you.

-Thank you.

-Don't mention it.

It's what friends do, isn't it?

Stand up for each other.

Come on.

-You'll get used to the intercom.

-You mean I've got the job?

Well, sign those forms and you can help out this afternoon and we'll see what happens.

There'll be a formal interview and checks of course.

Mr Moon, if you'd like to...

Oh, hang on. Mr Moon, Doctor will see you now.

-Thank you.

-He never took you on!

-Thanks for the vote of confidence.

-But...you can't work here.

-Yes, I can. I'm very suited.

Oh, don't be stupid. you won't last five minutes.

You'll give everyone the wrong dates.

Some poor soul will come in to have their ear syringed out and land up in the stirrups.

Can I bring your attention to the sign.

What do you want?

-I ain't discussing my ailments with you!

-I need to know if it's urgent?

Is it life threatening?

Sorry to disappoint you, Rose, but I think I'll last the day.

Hey, you all right?

-I've been thinking.

-I've warned you about that before(!)

-There might be a way to find Amira.

-Yeah?

I could do something I don't want to do.

-Like what?

-Talk to her dad.

-Forget it.

-I could go to his office.

No, Sy. The last time we had anything to do with him, he turns up with heavies to kill you!

-I know but that was in the heat of things.

-The heat of things?

It was the heat of things that left me with broken ribs!

-You think some time's passed and he's going to be happy to see you?!

-I'll take that risk.

I want to get married, Christian. I want to be free of Amira.

Come here.

I'm sorry my life is so complicated.

Hey...

I just don't want you putting yourself at risk.

We will find Amira without having to go anywhere near her psycho dad.

-All right?

-All right.

Cheers, darling.

I misread the signs, didn't I?

I wanted to believe he liked me.

It stands to reason I'd get it wrong.

I mean, what would he see in me?

Jean, if you're going

to mope around all day, do it in the kitchen, I don't want to hear it.

-What.

-I mean it!

You should fight your own battles, instead of keep running off all the time.

Learn to stand up for yourself instead of being a walkover.

-All right, Kat?

-All right?

-Yeah. Alfie about?

-No. He's out.

-Tell him I want a word.

-I pull pints, I don't pass on messages.

I'll have a pint then.

-Join me?

-No, thank you.

I saw Alfie earlier. If things ain't too great, you know I'm a good listener.

What did he say?

Nothing. Sometimes an impartial ear is what you need.

Just like in Spain, remember? You needed to talk.

Jean! Serve Michael for me, will you?

Yes, darling?

Alfie!

Alfie.

Well?

I had to go private to speed things along. I'll get the results tomorrow.

Glad to know you've got money to throw away.

Kat...

The baby could be mine.

What do you want? A slap on the back(?)

I KNOW the baby's yours.

I...I could be a daddy.

So you're not Tommy's dad then?

-You know what I mean.

-Yeah. I know what you mean.

Half an hour ago you thought I was giving it away with every pint I sold and now just because

some bloke with letters after his name says it could be yours, you're thinking of Father's Day cards.

I told you it's your baby!

You should have believed in me!

I do!

I do, Kat. You know I love you.

But I also know what you're like.

Meaning?

Come on, we both know you're no saint.

I'm not saying you're having an affair or anything like that. I'm just being honest with you, Kat.

I'm not blaming you, I knew what I was getting into when I married you.

I know what life with Kat Slater is all about.

"What life with Kat Slater is all about".

-Mrs B!

-In here, Arthur.

You know Mrs Cross, don't you?

-Tanya's mother?

-Pleased to meet you.

I was just wondering if you wanted me to come with you to see Jimbo a bit later.

He's such a nice young man.

-I look forward to getting to know him better.

-His room is the middle.

between Rose in the front and your room is in the back.

-Your room?

-Yes, Mrs Cross is coming to join our happy family.

She's nowhere else to go. You know what Jesus said about generosity of spirit and hospitality.

Didn't your mother tell you not to stand with your mouth open, you'll catch flies.

I remember my mother saying that.

After everything that's happened with Tommy.

you really think I'd sleep with someone else?

What sort of cold-hearted cow do you think I am?

-Kat...

-You are such a hero. You know that?

I mean, that must be what everyone's thinking.

Alfie Moon, what a guy!

Taking on that.

That dirty bit of rough Kat Slater.

Who's had more men than hot dinners.

He must be a saint.

-I never meant it like that.

-Yes, you did! And you're right.

Course you are.

I'm up the duff, stands to reason there has to be an identity parade.

Go and line up a load of blokes and I'll try remember if any of them look familiar.

But it might be a bit hard cos I was probably drunk out of my tree at the time.

Maybe I was in the gutter.

With my hair sticking to my face with sweat, my top stained with vomit.

What a pretty girl Kat Slater is!

But Alfie's turned her life around.

Some days she's half presentable.

And what a martyr, bringing up someone else's kid.

Oh, and it's his cousin's.

she likes to keep it in the family.

She's always liked to keep it in the family!

Don't say that.

Why not? That's what you're thinking!

I love you! You're not Kat Slater any more.

-You're Kat Moon!

-I'll always be Kat Slater!

You listen to me, you're my wife and no matter what happens I love you, all right?

I love baby Tommy and I'll love this baby just the same.

Just the same?

I have not been with anyone else!

And tomorrow when you get your precious results

and you crawl back here to apologise you'll be lucky if you still find me here!

-Don't be stupid.

-I'm not being stupid!

The stupid thing to do would be hanging around with someone that doesn't believe a word I say!

You might be putting up with being married to Kat Slater

but I reckon I'm through with being married to Alfie Moon!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

E-mail [email protected]