12/12/2011 EastEnders

Shouldn't leave your door open, Shirl - not round here,

Anyone can get in, can't they? Help themselves to anything.

Phil?

I'd have had a look around, but.

-Ben? Jay?

-Do you think someone's broken in?

What if they're still here, Shirl?

They're going to get their jacksies kicked in. Phil couldn't have shut the door properly.

Yeah, he's got a lot on his mind at the moment.

-Yeah.

-All the police and all that lot.

-Yeah.

Beating up young girls.

That's not what happened.

What you looking at?

Nothing.

You got something on your mind an' all?

-You've got real charm about you today.

-Just leave it, will ya.

-Yeah, I do that a lot. And look where that gets us.

-Meaning?

Carry on like this, you're going to be Public Enemy Number One.

I'm bricking it, aren't I(!)

-OK. Maybe you just don't care.

-What, about a bunch of losers?

You got four businesses on this Square. You need those losers.

I'm supposed to go round on bended knee apologising to everyone?

No. Just smile.

At our Christmas party, tonight.

What Christmas party? I said what Christmas party?

Pops? Nan got you that, didn't she?

Yeah.

Still, won't need it where you're going.

What is the going rate for handling stolen goods these days?

I wasn't handling them. I mean, not in that way.

I mean, I know it had my prints on.

So why can't you just tell 'em who's really in the frame?

Because you don't do that, Lola.

But Pops, this isn't fair.

No, I know it ain't.

And a book of second class stamps, please. Six.

Oh no, make it twelve. Make it first class.

So what, you writing to Santa?

Just a few cards, you know.

Well, there's no Christmas wish list for me this year.

This Christmas everything is coming my way.

You heard Rose said, it's written in the stars.

My Mr Right is just about to walk through that door.

Here Hev, you missed a good night, Friday. Rose did a Tarot reading.

Yeah. One of us is going to find true love.

And you reckon it's you, do you?

No. I reckon Jean.

No, I don't think so.

Well, nothing like that ever happens to me.

Well, better keep my eyes peeled.

See if I can see any knights on white chargers.

-I'm so sorry.

-Oh. I'm so sorry

Let me help you.

I'm sorry. So sorry.

There you go.

-'Scuse me.

-Yes?

-You left this.

-Thanks.

That's a stupid idea.

I'm going to invite Jack and his brother. Maybe you can invite Ian.

All right, get Ben to ask Ian.

Then there's Denise, Patrick. Who else you upset?

No, don't answer, silly question, let's just invite everyone

in the phone book shall we, that should just about cover it.

What else does this bloke know, eh?

-I've done a lot things.

-Just trust me.

-This could be the end of me. The end of us.

-It won't.

All that with Lola.

That's one of the reasons I'm doing this.

You don't still think...?

She just smelt trouble and chanced her arm.

She don't know anything. Whoever's behind this, it ain't her.

This what came earlier?

Found it on the floor.

"Hope you get everything you deserve.

"Happy Christmas."

It will be.

Once I bury whoever sent this.

-You sure about this?

-Yeah. It's Christmas, innit. It's traditional.

-Packing the house with tat?

-Cora, this ain't tat, babe. It's fun.

What is fun? What time is it?

All right, Tan. I was just going to come and get you.

CHRISTMAS JINGLE PLAYS >

One of the market boys had it all rigged up on his stall.

-All singing all dancing, he is. Check this out.

-Oh, Max!

Go on, son!

SANTA SHORT CIRCUITS

-I didn't say nothing.

-Yeah, too right.

-I've been banged up all night.

-It weren't me that left your prints on the gear.

-You're the one that messed up.

-I could go down for this.

-Might do you some good.

-What?

-Teach you some manners.

Right, for once in my life I don't roll over when you say so and you don't like it?

-You ain't going to swing for this.

-No, neither are you.

-They'd throw the book at me, wouldn't they?

-Yeah, me an' all.

And I'm about to have a great-grandkid to look after.

You know the score.

Lola can't look after herself and a baby, she needs me.

And no, I didn't expect you to hold your hands up for it.

But I didn't expect you to leave me roasting neither!

Hang on a second. Hang on. I didn't quite catch that.

I'm just saying, it's just not like you, that's all.

-It's nothing I can't handle. Or are you saying something different?

-No. No.

Good. Now shut the door on your way out, cos there's a draught in here.

I don't think she was talking about me though. Do you?

I mean, that kind of thing, true romance.

It doesn't happen twice, not to people like me, anyway.

Course it does.

-It's him.

-Who?

The bloke I was telling you about. The one I bumped into when I dropped my shopping.

-Should book the church then. I'll buy myself a new hat(!)

-He's coming over.

-'Scuse me.

-That's what you said before.

In the Minute Mart.

When I dropped the stamps.

You said excuse me.

I was wondering if you served food?

Not for another hour yet.

I could probably rustle something up though.

If it's no trouble.

Thank you.

-Bit short notice, ain't it?

-You doing something else?

-What, apart from avoiding my new lodger?

-Shouldn't be a problem then?

-What's this in aid of?

Why's it have to be in aid of anything? It's Christmas.

Jingle bells, goodwill to all men an' all that.

And a way of saying sorry about the flat.

You don't seem to want to accept our hospitality. What's bothering you?

What, apart from you making it sound more like an execution than a knees-up, you mean? No, ta.

Ben.

What was that all about?

Don't know and don't care. Phil Mitchell playing mine host.

That's like North Korea throwing a party for the South.

Let's not be too hasty.

-Close?

-Yeah.

As in shut up shop. Right now.

-What do you think Dad'll say?

-I'm doing this for your dad.

I'll need your help an' all.

No, I'm going to go R&R.

-I thought you were turning over a new leaf?

-Well...

-You can start now.

Can't he even put up a bit of tinsel?

It does me good, keeps me occupied.

You need to rest.

Will you stop fussing?

I'm serious. You're going to need all your strength...

For heaven's sake!

Take it easy, will you?

Actually I've got a surprise for you.

Cora, give me a hand with this will you, please?

-What with?

-Well, if I tell ya, it won't be a surprise, will it?

Thank you.

Jean, I reckon he's following you.

-Stop it.

-He's met you in the Minute Mart and he's asked round.

You're getting me all in a tizz.

He ain't following her.

Why not?

Well look at him, he's seriously hot.

-And Jean ain't?

-Course I'm not.

Jean!

I can be warm sometimes.

-Warm?

-I reckon you're just jealous.

-What?

Yeah, just cos it's not written in the stars for you to meet someone like that.

Hey look, I don't need nothing written in no stars.

If I want a fella, I go and get the fella.

I did see him first.

OK. You try. And then I'll show you how it's done.

It's all going to kick off at six, I need you to help me do the grub.

Well, open a few bags of crisps anyway.

What's the matter, Hev? You away with the fairies?

You can bring George.

Or maybe you don't want to.

Maybe you don't want to be there at all, is that right?

I didn't say that.

Is this because of Phil?

Oh, come on Hev, you're my mate. my best mate.

-I know.

-If you're thinking this, what's the rest of the Square going to think?

So this is all about making people like him again, is it?

I've got to get him back, Hev.

Back to what he was before all this happened.

You don't know him,

not really. I know he comes across as a 'ard nut and most of the time he is

but someone's playing him and it's messing with his head.

The old Phil, he would never go near a kid like Lola, let alone...

Anyway, that's my problem.

Which makes it my problem too. Course I'll be there.

Not sure the rest of the Square'll be too keen though.

I've thought of that.

Yeah, I told him what I thought. I reckon he got the message.

Oh yeah, really guilty conscience. Tormented he was.

You know he's throwing a party tonight, right?

Shirley was just over the caff inviting everyone.

-You what?

-Yeah, it's nice that, innit?

While you're banged up in some stinking rotten cell, he's over there getting into party mode.

How was it?

Really good. All your own work?

With these fair hands.

-Very professional.

-Oh, you'd be surprised what I can turn them to.

I do a sausage surprise to die for. Not here, at home.

You do catering at home?

Oh no, only for family. And friends. Good friends.

I like friends.

Especially the good friends. Not the bad ones, which is silly really,

because the bad friends wouldn't be friends at all, would they?

I'll just take...

-So, did he ask you out?

-No.

Right then.

My turn.

-You want us to close?

-Yeah. Only for one night.

-Hev, go and get some booze.

-What do I say to Phil when he comes for his rent?

I'll sort him out. And tell your punters if they want to get hammered to come to ours later.

We're having a party.

I see. So the only way to get anyone round your place is to close this.

You got rid of her then?

Gave her a score, told her to go and get a drink.

Then she took a tenner more.

Babe, I only wanted a bit of peace and quiet to sort this Santa out.

Mmm, stop her going on about my treatment.

-It's just her way.

-She's doing everyone's head in.

-You know what she's like.

Something's on her mind, she goes on and on about it, don't she?

Fuses, from the Minute Mart, might do the trick, mightn't they?

You're the opposite. Something's on your mind you don't say a word.

-It's you, isn't it?

-What?

-It's you?

-Who?

-The ex-footballer?

-What footballer?

The good-looking one.

I tell you what, he falls for that, give up on him anyway.

-Shut up, I'm writing it down.

-I really wasn't a footballer.

Yeah, and you're not from the Good Food Guide neither?

Actually, I rather enjoyed it.

You can do a lot better than that around here.

I dunno, maybe I should do my bit for the local economy and, um, show you.

The chef here seems quite good. I take it she is the chef, the lady who just served me?

Chef?

Queen of the Microwave more like.

So like I was saying...

So, she's not the chef, she's just helping out?

Jean's her name, yeah?

Only I'm sure I heard the landlady calling her that earlier on.

Get your coat. I reckon you've pulled.

No she ain't, not tonight. Not in here anyway. Listen up. We're closing up.

-What?

-Terrific(!)

I get chucked out of Tanya's, and now I'm turfed out the boozer.

-Why?

-You've all been invited to a party across the road.

At Phil and Shirley's.

-The Mitchell's doing something for Christmas. About time.

-And that means all of you.

I still don't see the point in all this.

Hopefully you will.

When everyone starts singing, For He's A Jolly Good Fellow?

You're losing it.

-Who's doing all this aggro, Phil?

-I don't know.

It's got to be someone on the Square, and they're watching you.

Most of them are coming here tonight, what better way of finding out?

That's even more stupid than me trying to win a popularity contest.

We sit. We watch. And we listen.

And maybe whoever's doing this won't be able to resist planting or nicking something.

Yeah, and maybe whoever it is doesn't bother turning up at all.

Great(!) Just when you thought it couldn't get any worse.

-Oh, shut up and sort the drinks out.

-I've been to funerals that are more fun than this.

Yeah, well, if you carry on,

you'll be going to one sooner than you think.

I told you they wouldn't be able to resist, didn't I?

Lo?

-You going out?

-Let's see how much he enjoys his party once I get there.

-I've had my say about all of that.

-Yeah, and he's totally ignored you.

So now it's time for me to have my say.

You've just come out of hospital, you're in no fit state to go spoiling for a row.

-We just let him get away with it, yeah?

-No. Just wait a minute. Lo. Just wait, wait.

Just sit down with me, eh? For five minutes, please?

Thank you.

-Now, you can help me decorate our tree.

-We ain't got a tree.

-If that's a present from Phil, you can give me the hammer.

-No. No.

It's from Father Christmas, innit.

Well, one of his little helpers anyway.

You mean a knock-off.

They were only going to chuck them out.

Come on, Lo.

Christmas is coming up.

I just thought this'd make the place look a bit nicer, you know.

I know it ain't exactly going to be a dream Christmas.

No it won't. Not with all this going on.

Right, let's make the most of it, yeah?

-Go on, pass me some tinsel.

-Yeah?

Do you think your mum's right?

Do you think we should just take him back.

I dunno, he's growing on me.

He's ugly though, ain't he?

-Once you look at him.

-Yeah, so are you.

I bet all these bulbs are well past their sell-by.

There's bits of you don't work so good, you're lucky no-one's trying to take you back.

Blimey, look who's talking.

It's all right. You can do it you know.

Take the mick.

Yeah, I know. Cheers.

They say, don't they. This sort of thing's harder on the relatives.

Well, I ain't a relative. I'm your husband.

-Not any more.

-Well, I told you when I came back, I am.

I am in here anyway. You're still my wife.

For richer or poorer.

Sickness and in health.

That's what we said, innit? Remember?

You don't think, do you, at the time?

You make all those promises, don't expect to have to call them in.

Yeah, I've broken a few of those promises. I know I have.

But I ain't going to break this one,

I'm here and I ain't walking out on ya.

I'm scared.

Tan, I know.

Are you?

You can say it In fact, I think I'd prefer it.

Then I wouldn't feel like the only one who was being weak and pathetic.

Yeah, I'm scared too.

I can't believe I let you drag me along to this.

Free booze. We've got to show him he doesn't frighten us.

Whatever game he's playing, we've got to rise above it.

Yeah. And free booze.

-All right?

-Yeah.

Nice, ain't it.

-Yeah, that's one word for it.

-I can think of a few others.

-Such as?

-Interesting.

-Unexpected.

-Bit of a surprise.

That's what I thought when I had the Old Bill knocking at my door.

-Way I heard it they were kicking the door in.

-You get a lot of inside information?

You trying to say something to me?

Just making conversation. Scotch Egg? Sausage roll?

Oh, don't mind if I do.

Go on, it won't choke you.

Thanks.

-Go and talk to him.

-What do I say?

You ain't got to say nothing.

It's obvious he's interested, he'll be doing all the running.

Oh, it's all right for you. you've got a bloke.

-And he worships the ground that you walk on.

-Come on, you dozy mare.

-Kat.

-All right? Enjoy the grub?

-Yeah, it was very nice.

-Going to compliment the chef?

So you are the actual chef then?

You know what they say, the way to a man's heart and all that.

I don't believe this, talk about a pair of shrinking violets.

-Do you fancy her?

-Kat!

-What?

It's obvious you do, so why don't you ask her out before she runs away and you completely run out of nerve.

I'm so, so sorry about this. I don't believe you sometimes.

-I think you've got the wrong end of the stick.

-Excuse me,

when it comes to this sort of thing, I'm a Mastermind on it.

I'm really not, um...

-Not, um, what?

-Interested. Well, not like that.

-Why all them questions then?

-Mo!

-Are you messing her about?

-No.

-Well, you was asking motormouth there about her.

I'm a....

What?

A timewaster?

A benefits fraud officer.

Benefits fraud?

And you've been working while claiming benefit.

-I have not.

-Excuse me, I saw you with my own eyes.

And your employer's just confirmed it.

I can't stand a scrounger.

Scrounger?

But I haven't been making any claim.

See, told I'd get him working?

Can we do a deal?

I'll be honest with you, I want you to be honest with me.

I knew it, you do hate Santa.

Do you ever think this could be it?

-Our last Christmas together?

-Tan, please...

Yeah.

Yeah, I do.

Do you want out?

Cos it's OK, I meant what I said when you came back,

I'm not lumbering you with an invalid.

What if it was me who was ill?

Same question. Would you want out?

I don't know.

I don't know if I could...

No.

That's my answer too.

I'm starting to enjoy this.

I reckon I've sussed what this is all about.

-Really? Good. Let's go home then.

-I'm right behind you.

This is some kind of St Valentine's Day Massacre.

-Get everyone you've ever had a ruck with under one roof.

-And machine gun 'em?

No. Well, one of us anyway.

The guilty party.

-The one with something to hide.

-What?

-Phil's been getting hate mail and he don't know who's been sending it.

Chuck a stone. You'll hit about fifty suspects.

So that's what this is all about? Try and smoke one out?

Yeah. It's like one of them Agatha Christie novels, ain't it?

Actually, I was thinking of someone else.

I can't believe you've done this to me.

I wasn't ripping you off. Not really.

I was just using your name.

We'll tell that to the judge! Don't bang her up, just put her name on the cell door!

-No-one's getting banged up.

-Did you see the look on that snout's face?

I wouldn't trust him.

You was pushing Jean into his arms five minutes ago.

Now look what you've done. Jean!

Right, let's cut to the chase.

I'm not apologising for it, Phil.

You've given enough people grief in the past and loved every minute of it.

So, seeing you get wound up, it's like all my Christmases have come at once.

But what happened with Lola, that's not right. She's just a kid.

So it's me who's been sending you all those letters. I'm the one who's responsible.

Nah, no, hold up. This has got nothing to do with him.

It was me.

No. No, Jack. Falling on your sword for your brother. Very noble,

but I'd never forgive myself. Phil, I'm Spartacus.

No, no, no, no, come on, I'm Spartacus.

No, Phil, don't listen to them. I'm Spartacus.

You're hysterical.

I saw a programme about him once.

He got crucified didn't he?

Look, they'll just get Nan to pay it back on the drip that's all.

It's my name on the benefits book.

She will not let you take the rap.

Then again this is Nan we're talking about, she might,

but we won't let her.

-Everyone thinks I'm a cheat.

-No, they don't.

-You heard Cora.

I'll explain it to them.

How can I carry on living here, Kat?

When everyone's going to think that of me?

Right, come on Jean. Come on.

-How?

-Get that down you.

Well I'm relieved. Well, wouldn't you be?

I thought it was going to be a straight fight back there, me and Jean.

Is that it?

What?

Jean has just been totally humiliated

in front of her whole family. and her neighbours on the Square.

She's just found out she's going to be prosecuted for benefit fraud

and all you can say is, I'm relieved?

-Well, I am.

-You are so shallow sometimes.

Look, I ain't shallow, yeah. I've got depths, yeah.

Deep depths. Moby Dick couldn't get to the bottom of my depths.

He wouldn't want to!

Ah, somebody's sent me a present. Come to Mama.

-There's plenty of grub left.

-Yeah, course there is. Everyone's gone home, ain't they.

It was a nice idea, Shirl.

No, it wasn't, it was a bad one. A very bad one.

HEATHER CHOKING >

Shirl!

Phil. Phil, get Hev's inhaler out of her bag.

What a day I'm having.

Worst party ever, now my best mate's choking on a scotch egg!

Get it up.