01/03/2012 EastEnders


01/03/2012

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SHE WHOOPS

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HE LAUGHS

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SHE MAKES HELICOPTER NOISES

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Tiffany!

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Feral.

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Oh, come on, she's just letting off some steam.

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Give it five years, she'll be on Crimewatch.

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Give her a break. She's a kid.

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It's her job to make noise.

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Come here, Tiff! You're going to be late for school!

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Hark - the dulcet tones of the parent. Bobby went off ages ago.

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-Patrick, you haven't seen Masood with the post, have you?

-Uh-uh.

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No pink things in the morning.

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There weren't no cereal.

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Well, have some toast.

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There weren't no toast.

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Come on, get in.

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What are you doing?

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Well, you're the one who wanted me to come to these classes.

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So, here I am. I believe that children are our future.

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I said, "We". Together. Plural.

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SHE SIGHS

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HE LAUGHS TO HIMSELF

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Hey, Janine. Look!

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I knew we should have gone private.

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Morgan! Come on, I'm late for the caff now. Is everything ruined?

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There wasn't much to ruin in the first place.

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But look, the gas is back on, it's been paid

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and the electric's back on.

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Yeah, for now. I get paid today. I'll replace the food.

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Janine will have to wait for the rent.

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Can I have money for sweets?

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No, you can't. You've had enough for today.

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Don't look like that, Tiff.

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-You should give up sweets and treats for Lent.

-What's Lent?

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It's a religious thing. You give things up to be religious.

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-Why?

-Because Jesus says so.

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Jesus says I can't have pink pigs?

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BIANCA SIGHS

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Morning. So, good day planned?

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Yeah, I think it's going to be a fantastic day.

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Anything I should know about?

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So, are me and you OK?

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Yeah. Yeah, we're fine.

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What about Lucy?

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She's fine. Everything's fine. Mandy Salter, I love you.

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Today is going to be a good day.

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THEY LAUGH

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Why don't I cook today? For all of us?

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My treat.

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That would be great, Lucy. Wouldn't it?

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Yeah. Great.

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So, lunch? One o'clock?

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-Perfect.

-Lovely.

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Will you please tell me why I'm here with a load of knocked up teenagers?

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What happened to the beatific mother-to-be?

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Why am I here with a load of knocked up pensioners?

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Oi. Be nice. She's given you a job, remember?

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Don't tell me that's my surprise.

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No, no, no. Be nice for you to work together, won't it?

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-I mean, your kids could end up playing together, couldn't they?

-Oh(!)

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Me and Honey went to this antenatal thing once.

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It was mental, it was.

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It was all that sort of role playing thing.

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All the daddy wolves had to circle round all the mummy wolves,

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and then you had to start howling, right? I was like this...

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HE HOWLS AND LAUGHS

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Congratulations, mums!

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Is this going to be all happy clappy?

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Feel free to ask any questions as we go along.

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Every pregnancy's different.

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Too right.

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My Honey was size the of a house for our second.

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Not a first time dad, then?

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Oh, no, no. I'm this baby's great grandad. Her grandad.

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I'm not the dad. Obviously.

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I don't know who the dad is. Does that matter?

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Well, have you got a shortlist?

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Be nice.

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It can be very challenging if you're facing parenthood on your own.

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But we're all here to support you.

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I've got a question. Is this class going to cover elective C-sections

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and private hospitals?

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Or should I just leave now?

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HE SIGHS

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Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh! # Let's deck the Vic in daffodillies! #

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-It's St David's Day!

-Yeah. Jean, that's lovely, darling,

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but how many of our punters are Welsh?

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It's not Welsh. It's Greek.

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Greek? OK, it's Greek.

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Narcissus died looking at his own reflection in the pool.

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-Lovely. OK.

-And the flowers grew where he fell.

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Course they did.

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-That's why they're called Narcissus.

-Lovely.

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We have to have them. It's traditional.

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OK, let's do it, then.

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Ha-ha! And leeks!

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Oh, lots of leeks.

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-Yes!

-Let's have millions of leeks.

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You two all right?

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Yeah. We will be. Thanks for the other night.

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That's what family are for, eh? What you doing for lunch?

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Want to come to ours?

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Thanks. Max, not a word to Dot, eh? She thinks I've given it up for Lent.

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It's a man's basic right to have a drink.

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Pack of the usual.

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Smoking kills.

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Come on, you should know Dot. She don't listen to basic rights,

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not when she's on the religious warpath.

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-Sounds like Dot.

-She says we should be filled with the spirits, not debauchery.

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You been sneaking debauchery into your room again?

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Come on, I've learned from Jim. Say, "Yes, Dorothy", to everything.

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And then go hide in the allotment. See you.

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Think we can guess what this is all about.

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Tuck your pelvis under.

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Perfect. That'll help stop lower back pain as baby grows.

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See? You're going to be good at this, girl. I can tell.

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PHONE VIBRATES

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Leave it, leave it.

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Janine Butcher.

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-Oi!

-No. no. She's not available, mate, all right?

-Excuse me!

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-You're not available.

-That was important.

-This is important.

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Billions of women every year have babies without knowing how to

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sit on a yoga ball.

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Just look around you.

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Look, everyone's got someone by their side.

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-So?

-So, I'm the father, Janine, OK?

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I'm the only one volunteering to be by your side.

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You need me.

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MOBILE PHONE VIBRATES

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So he's left me something in his will? And this is what?

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An order? I just have to drop everything and turn up tomorrow?

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Well, it's just an informal meeting with Yusef's solicitor.

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Where I'll be given a cheque for a few pounds?

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And that's meant to make everything all right again, is it?

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You know I want nothing to do with that man.

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Afia will inherit most of it, I'm sure, but we should go.

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If only to say it's over.

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So what's this, then? You due some sort of a payout?

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Must you? Pry in other people's private affairs?

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-Hey. You all right?

-Yeah.

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That's a lot of effort. I thought we were only having a quick lunch.

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Yeah, I invited Jack over, too. You don't mind, do you?

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No, no. That's fine.

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What are you doing now?

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Tidying up. This place is a mess.

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So..

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every time you're in a foul mood, we've got to have a makeover, have we?

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Do you know, I've got to say, I am surprised you're staying as Mrs Khan.

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I thought you'd be back to Masood, like I was to Fox.

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Well, you've had that many surnames, it must be difficult to keep tabs, no?

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Don't presume to know anything about my religion,

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all right, Denise?

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Your religion sounds pretty loose. You've had three husbands in a year.

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I have not.

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Um, Masood, Yusef...

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then back to Masood.

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That's three. You man-eater.

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Masood is not my husband.

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He's as good as, ain't he?

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I'm still in mourning. We all are. The whole house is.

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Do me a favour! What, seriously? So what is this, then?

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Is it some sort of religious thing?

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How long you got to do this mourning for?

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Four months and ten days.

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What? Even if he was a psycho?

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You're not going to give me one of those, "It will bring me shame", speeches, are you?

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I really don't think it counts

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if he tried to kill everyone. No religion is that strict.

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I'm not justifying my religion or my personal affairs to you.

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Well, pardon me.

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Well, I just, you know, I do feel kind of involved.

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Given how I was made homeless, I'm skint and mine and Kim's business went down because of it.

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But do you know...?

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No, I'm happy that you got a cheque out of it.

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Mrs...um...Whatever.

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Hello, darling!

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-You all right?

-Yeah.

-You look nice.

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Really?

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Course you do. Don't she, Max?

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Cheers. Don't really need wine, do we, Tan?

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Got to get back to work and all that. Go on.

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Peter! Yeah, it's Dad.

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I was...ringing up for a quick chat.

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So, how's the new car?

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Oh, right, it was nothing important. I was just ringing up for a chat.

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I'll talk to you another day, yeah? Bye.

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That looks nice, Luce.

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My pleasure.

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Oh! Well done. That's interesting presentation.

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Everything all right between you two, then?

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We're fine.

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Yeah, we are. Just fine.

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Thank you.

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Shall I...um...propose a toast?

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To family!

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Family.

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Cheers.

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Nine hairs and a nit. That's what Dad used to call him.

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Yeah, well, Dad used to call me a lot of things, didn't he?

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Not a lot of it was nice. Or fair.

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Do you want one of these?

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Don't, don't. Got to get back to the salon, ain't you?

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It's just one glass, Max.

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Only one glass, innit?

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-All right, Lauren?

-Hello, darling.

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-All right, Lauren?

-All right?

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You're the only one here who can turn down a drink.

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-Give it a rest, will you?

-Proud of you, you know that?

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You're 18 soon, ain't you, Lauren?

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-When can your uncle legally take his niece out for a drink?

-End of the month.

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Listen, you stay dry till then

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and I'll throw you a party at the Vic.

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Oh, yeah, that'd be nice!

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If anyone's going to throw a party for my daughter's 18th, it's me, right?

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All right, sorry.

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Another drink, anyone?

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Yeah, why not? I've got to say, Lucy,

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I think it's really nice having salad for a change.

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Especially seeing as it's March the first.

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Oh!

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-Sorry, darling, I need a cloth.

-Yeah.

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Oi! I clocked them looks you've been giving me.

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Listen, your dad believes me.

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So you better stop acting weird, all right?

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I ain't the one acting round here.

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Yeah, and I ain't the one going through people's handbags.

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Ceasefire didn't last, did it? Do you know what?

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I thought you two were teasing me.

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But you've both forgotten, haven't you?

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Forgotten what?

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What's today? It's March the first.

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It's my birthday.

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So Roxy's fobbing Amy off already.

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I mean, why bother going to court?

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Well, I offered. It's more cash, innit?

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I pay the bills. Not you.

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Oh, Janine, you can't just come in here like that.

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This is our house.

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Actually, I think you'll find I can. It's my house.

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I'm the landlord.

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And I charge you a miniscule rent, which you keep failing to pay. Remember?

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I'll pay.

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Good. I take cash, cheques, American Express...

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I'll take anything right now.

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Look, Bianca, I'm not the enemy.

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You can have a job cleaning for me if you haven't got any cash.

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No, I'm not that desperate.

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All right, good. Good for you.

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I was actually coming with a job offer for Whitney.

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When little one here comes along, I'm going to need a nanny.

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Oh, well, anything I can do to help.

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It'll be live-in, of course.

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Live-in?

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Well, she's not going to hear the baby cry from here, is she?

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I'll think about it.

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I'm just saying, a well-paid nanny position

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from a respectable employer, luxurious accommodation...

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Don't think too long, yeah?

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Poor kid, she ain't even had it yet and she's palming it off already.

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I think I should do it.

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What, and give up college? For her?

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You ain't done all that training to be her skivvy.

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Listen, I'll sort the bills. Don't worry.

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I'll go and see Ian, get a shift at the chippy.

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I'll do it now. Look,

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does this face look like I like him?

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THEY LAUGH

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I'm just no good at the fluffy things in life.

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I'm so sorry, Ian.

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No, it's fine. It's not a big deal.

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KNOCK AT THE DOOR

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-Are you sure?

-Yes!

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-All right, Luce? All right, Ian, mate.

-All right?

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Listen, mind if I pick up them leeks that you promised me?

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-You sure you need that many?

-It's just Jean, getting excitable - talking about

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dragons and stuff. Listen, are you going to pop over or what?

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Yeah, we should go for your birthday.

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You kept that one quiet, didn't you, birthday boy? Happy birthday.

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-Thank you.

-First one's one the house. Give me the leeks for nothing, I'll give you a second one.

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-Come on, let's go.

-Yeah, come on.

-Yeah, go on, then.

-No, stay. We've got champagne!

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-Oh, come on, Lucy, that'll keep. Come on, let's go over there, it will be fun.

-It will.

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-Don't look so worried.

-I'll come in a bit. Happy birthday, Dad.

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Ahh. See ya.

0:16:050:16:08

Right, are you going to tell me what's got into you? Jack needs our support right now over Amy.

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-You know this.

-So you've fallen for his Peter Andre Dad of the Year bit?

-Come on!

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He's got kids that he don't give a stuff about and he's sorting out my daughter's 18th(!)

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-He offered her a party. That's all.

-It's all right, I'm the bad guy.

0:16:340:16:37

-He's your brother. Try and be nice.

-Nice?

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-What, like you're being nice?

-What?!

-Low cut, hanging out...

-Low cut?! This isn't...

-..getting drunk.

-No.

0:16:390:16:45

I saw you giving him a hug in the Square.

0:16:450:16:48

-What?

-Through there, you're all over him.

-What is going on in your head?

-Fancy a bit of the other brother?

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-Oh, shall I start dragging up every affair you've ever had?

-Would you blame me? You won't let me near you!

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It's not... It's not that I won't let you, I...

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-Do you think I want to feel like this? Not normal?

-Yeah, well, I'm sorry,

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all right? I'm sorry, Tan, I shouldn't have said that.

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You don't want me any more, do you?

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-You said it wouldn't happen but it has.

-Please don't say that.

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I love you. Come here.

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Come here.

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HE SIGHS

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I get scared...

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..that you're going to find someone else.

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Listen to me, all right? I'd never, never do that to you.

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Not now.

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-All right, darling?

-I'm not sure about this hat, Alfie.

0:18:240:18:29

I can't see what's coming at me from the sides.

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I feel like a horse with blinkers on,

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-not knowing if someone's going to throw a firework at me.

-Here, Alfie...

-See!

0:18:330:18:37

-Ian!

-Look, is anyone here even Welsh?

0:18:370:18:41

You've got birthday boy here to thank for all these.

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We should have a sign, shouldn't we? "Ian Beale leeks".

0:18:430:18:46

THEY LAUGH

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-So, it's your birthday?

-But you don't pay them much attention any more, do you?

0:18:480:18:52

-That makes you a Pisces - which figures. Sensitive. Romantic.

-Smells of fish.

0:18:520:18:57

Jean, have you got any cake? You know, like something a bit birthday-ish?

0:18:590:19:04

If you'd given me enough notice, I could have done you a fresh, mixed berry gateaux.

0:19:040:19:10

Oh, the best I can do is jazz up a Victoria sponge.

0:19:100:19:13

-That's fine.

-How many candles?

-43.

0:19:130:19:16

-Right.

-Don't look it, does he?

-No.

-Urgh.

-Oh, did you hear that then?

0:19:160:19:21

You know, it's scientifically proven, right, that blokes

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over the age of 40 cannot sit down without going, "Urgh".

0:19:240:19:27

-I didn't not go, "Urgh".

-Yes, you did.

0:19:270:19:29

-And watch the old balcony over the toy shop!

-No.

-Yes.

-I don't have a paunch. Anyway, you're older than me.

0:19:290:19:35

-Shut up, I'm 37.

-Yeah, plus VAT.

-Just ignore him, babe. You're well the fittest one here.

0:19:350:19:39

I'm wounded! Anyway, enjoy your free drink.

0:19:390:19:42

-What, just the one?!

-Yeah. I'm not sure your prostate can handle it, Bealey.

0:19:420:19:47

-Oh, it's you.

-Who was you expecting?

0:19:520:19:54

Him. Mandy's bit on the side.

0:19:540:19:56

I want Dad to know what she's really like.

0:19:560:19:59

And he's meant to be here but he's late.

0:19:590:20:02

-No. No!

-Go on, put it on!

-No, I'll look an idiot.

0:20:060:20:10

-Go on, for me. Please...

-All right.

0:20:100:20:14

A bit tight. Cor...

0:20:170:20:19

-Hello!

-Er, Ian?

0:20:190:20:22

-You ain't got any extra shifts at the chip shop, have you?

-Oh, you've got to be joking.

0:20:220:20:26

I'm desperate.

0:20:270:20:29

Look, Bianca, I'm really sorry. I haven't got anything. We're saving up for the wedding.

0:20:310:20:36

Look, I'm entitled to celebrate my birthday, ain't I?

0:20:360:20:41

B, listen, I've got nothing, sweetheart, but I can stand you for a drink.

0:20:420:20:46

No, it's work I want, Alfie, not charity.

0:20:460:20:48

What, and he wants to spend the night. In Dad's bed? Has he been here before?

0:20:500:20:54

You know what, she's a gold-digging cow.

0:20:540:20:56

Maybe he ain't even coming. Might not be a bad thing.

0:20:560:21:00

Yeah, well, I can't just let him marry her, can I?

0:21:000:21:04

-I have to tell him.

-Why? It's over, Lucy. Can't you just let it be over.

0:21:040:21:07

Look, let me text this Stevens guy, saying that you've changed your mind?

0:21:070:21:11

-Why?

-Cos think about it, Lucy.

0:21:110:21:15

They haven't met in, like, weeks.

0:21:150:21:17

And she hasn't even been texting him - you have.

0:21:170:21:21

Yeah, well, he has a right to know.

0:21:210:21:23

Does he?

0:21:230:21:24

I mean, you said it yourself, I always take things too far.

0:21:240:21:30

I mean, everything that has gone wrong in my house.

0:21:300:21:33

My Mum and Dad splitting up. Bradley. Everything. It's all been down to me.

0:21:330:21:38

Blabbing about Dad and Stacey's affair.

0:21:380:21:41

I mean, that was over. That was finished.

0:21:410:21:44

Everyone could have just been happy, but I brought it back up again, didn't I?

0:21:440:21:48

Yeah, well, you were just being honest.

0:21:480:21:51

No. I ruined my mum's life. Destroyed my family.

0:21:510:21:58

Do you think they were grateful for that?

0:21:580:22:01

No, they hated me.

0:22:010:22:03

Just let me send the text.

0:22:060:22:09

It's the right thing to do, Lucy.

0:22:150:22:19

I mean, my parents are sitting at home, still unhappy, still hating each other deep down.

0:22:190:22:25

I wish I'd never told her.

0:22:260:22:28

MOBILE MESSAGE ALERT

0:22:290:22:31

"Stop messing me around. I'll meet you at the Vic in five".

0:22:350:22:39

He's here. He's in Walford.

0:22:390:22:42

No, no. Your dad can't meet him.

0:22:420:22:44

-They're in the Vic.

-You need to get them out, then, don't you?

0:22:440:22:47

Go! Run!

0:22:470:22:49

OK, there aren't any other curfew restrictions I need to know about? You know, ankle tag?

0:22:520:22:57

Joking. Right, why don't you have the 6am shift, OK. Start with cleaning the pavements outside.

0:22:570:23:03

And there should be... Here you are. Oh, look, I'm sure there's something there in your size.

0:23:030:23:09

-Hello.

-She looks happy.

-Well, she should be grateful.

0:23:090:23:13

I'm not being funny, but another criminal on the payroll... What's that?

0:23:130:23:17

Antenatal classes. Private ones. Just basics.

0:23:170:23:20

Feeding them, changing them. How to keep them alive.

0:23:200:23:23

I don't need any help. I've hired a live-in nanny.

0:23:230:23:27

Whitney.

0:23:270:23:29

-Here, Luce! Hang on, I got you some champagne, love.

-Dad, let's leave. I want to take you out.

-What?

0:23:360:23:42

-He IS out.

-Is everything all right?

0:23:420:23:44

Well, you don't want to stay in this grotty pub, do you? Look, I want to treat you.

0:23:440:23:48

-I'm treating him. And he's having a perfectly nice time, thank you.

-Oh, shut up.

0:23:480:23:52

-Oh, girls, please, not today.

-Why don't you stop acting like a spoilt little brat

0:23:520:23:57

-and let him have a life?

-Mand!

-A life with you?!

-Yeah.

-Lucy, please!

0:23:570:24:00

-Dad, let's go.

-Now, now. You'll need to be Marilyn Monroe to his JFK, OK?

-I've got him a cake and everything!

0:24:000:24:06

-You know, I bothered to do something, Lucy, cos I care!

-You care?

0:24:060:24:09

-ALL: # Happy Birthday to you! Happy Birthday to you! #

-Yeah. I LOVE him, actually. Come here.

0:24:090:24:15

-You're having an affair!

-# Happy birthday... #

-She's cheating on you.

0:24:150:24:21

And I know who he is. I've got actual proof.

0:24:210:24:24

-She is lying.

-Am I? I've texted him. L Stevens. The one she sent the money to, Dad. And he texted back,

0:24:240:24:31

-begging to spend the night with her.

-What?

-In your bed, Dad. He's coming to the pub.

0:24:310:24:35

She's had an affair right under your nose. She's a cheap... little...tart.

0:24:350:24:40

Sounds about right. Don't give me that look, Mand.

0:24:400:24:44

You can scrub your face but you can't scrub what's underneath.

0:24:440:24:48

-Mandy, what you done?

-Just admit it.

0:24:480:24:50

Ain't you going to say hello?

0:24:500:24:52

You're the one who dragged me here with your stupid little texts.

0:24:520:24:56

-MANDY SIGHS

-L Stevens? As in Lorraine Stevens.

0:24:570:25:04

My mum.

0:25:050:25:07

SCOFFS

0:25:070:25:08

Um...OK. What's the matter?

0:25:190:25:25

Now that Bianca's gone, spit it out.

0:25:250:25:28

Whitney was a hooker.

0:25:280:25:30

Laid up in some dirty room with horrible geezers climbing all over her.

0:25:300:25:35

Well, she made mistakes. I've made mistakes. Does that make me unfit to be a mother?

0:25:350:25:41

She slept with the local nonce. Am I the only one that thinks that's wrong?!

0:25:410:25:45

It can't be good for you, is my point. It must warp you in some way. It messes with your head.

0:25:480:25:53

And yet you seemed perfectly happy to let your brother date her.

0:25:530:25:57

-I think you're overreacting.

-Am I now?

0:25:570:26:00

And she lives with my kid?! And I'm supposed to fix visiting hours with her, am I?!

0:26:000:26:04

You're not moving in, if that is what this is about?

0:26:040:26:07

And my name. My child can't have my name?

0:26:070:26:09

Please. Not this again.

0:26:090:26:11

You already have a baby, OK, that's living the other side of the Square that you never even see.

0:26:110:26:16

And have you ever wondered why?

0:26:160:26:18

We were going to be together, all right? But Kat wouldn't let me.

0:26:180:26:22

She said no. She wouldn't let me be the father.

0:26:220:26:25

What am I supposed to do about that, if she says no?

0:26:250:26:28

What am I supposed to do?

0:26:280:26:30

And so you just cut everything off, don't you?

0:26:300:26:33

And then you can't go back. It's too late.

0:26:330:26:35

And now I can never be his dad.

0:26:350:26:38

I will never stop you being this baby's father.

0:26:400:26:44

Really? What are you doing? You're stopping me.

0:26:440:26:46

Explain that to me. You can't. I didn't even know you had that.

0:26:460:26:50

I didn't even know you had it. I deserve more than that.

0:26:500:26:52

Oh, God, here we go again. Look, Janine...

0:26:550:26:58

..we're so similar... in so many ways.

0:27:000:27:05

We've got this messed up childhood, where we were wondering if anybody loved us enough.

0:27:050:27:12

And...and YET you still won't let me love my child.

0:27:120:27:18

-I'll never, ever stop you loving our baby...

-Oh, "our" baby now(!)

0:27:180:27:22

Now it suits you, is it? Our baby.

0:27:220:27:25

Our baby, who'll know me as the dad who wasn't there.

0:27:250:27:29

When it went to sleep. When it woke up. When it cried in the night.

0:27:310:27:35

No, well, I can't be its dad, Janine. Not on those terms.

0:27:360:27:39

So it's best it never knows me.

0:27:390:27:41

So then it can't hate me.

0:27:420:27:44

I've had enough. It's your baby now.

0:27:470:27:51

It's over. You're on your own.

0:27:510:27:54

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