09/03/2012 EastEnders

MUSIC ON RADIO

All right, Mum?

Yeah. A bit thirsty.

What? Not too old for a little bop, am I?

Oh, your hair's a bit flat, Mand, innit?

Borrow some of my hairspray if you want?

Hev... Oh, Hev, you've got to save me.

I'm so ashamed of myself. It's the kitchen...

it's clean.

Can I come round?

Come round?

Erm, it's just that Andrew, he's just moved in, and...

'Moved in?'

Yeah, and we're sort of celebrating.

Congratulations.

Listen, some other time, yeah?

See you. Bye.

Do you think Amira will come back?

-No.

-No?

Why d'you have to be so negative all the time?

I'm just managing expectations. You know, it's the vital,

yet under-appreciated role I play in this family.

Whereas it's your job to make vague, sweeping statements

denigrating the key personality traits of the ones you hold dearest.

Why d'you have to be so long-winded all the time?

Been thinking. Why don't we take the night off, do something?

We can't. We're short-staffed. I'm just going to...

He's just a bit sensitive at the moment, Afia, that's all.

-We all are.

-Yeah.

Wait - I've got an idea.

I do love this house, Ian - it's so spacious,

yet homey at the same time, innit?

No wonder my daughter's nailed her hat here.

I would do too, given half the chance.

Well, you're welcome to stay as long as you like.

-You are drunk.

-Drunk? Do I look drunk to you, Ian?

No, not really, no...

Well, that doesn't mean anything - she's an alcoholic.

I can tell the signs. Look at her eyes.

You're seeing things, love. I don't blame her -

Mandy's been through some tough times with me.

I'm grateful she's let me back in her life.

I think you'd better make a move, Mum.

A move?

Yeah. Ian's been really polite, you don't want to outstay your welcome.

Is that what I've done?

No. No, not at all.

See, I thought we were just getting to know each other, you know.

I mean, he hasn't met the real me yet. Has he, Mand?

-There you go, Zee.

-Thank you.

You know, I just wanted to say that, for everything that you've done

for Kim, Patrick, me - I am eternally grateful.

Don't be silly - it's my pleasure.

Well, it means a lot, so...

-Dee, Dee, Dee.

-What?

Check this out. Check this out. Look.

-Now, you see this Jacuzzi, right?

-Yeah.

Now, picture it with "Kimberley's Palace"

emblazoned across the side with neon lights.

Hmm? This has got to be top of the list.

-Oh, you've got a list?

-Oh, yeah, too right.

Listen, when you're spending big money, you have to be organised.

-No messing about.

-Very commendable.

Yes, but me and Kim,

we were just saying how grateful we are, right, Kim?

-Oh, yeah. Thanks.

-And, obviously,

if there's anything that we can ever do to repay the favour, then...

It's funny you should say that...

You texting Amira again? How many you sent her now?

About two and a half.

Half? How can you send half a message?

One was a kiss.

Oh...please make it stop. It's embarrassing.

Two words, eh, Whitney Dean.

-Well, good morning.

-Morning.

You just up?

So? And by the way, have any of you two ever heard of loo roll?

Have you ever heard of a thing called a shop?

All right, I'll go and get some. Cash, please?

Use your own.

I kind of haven't got any.

-Well, how are you planning on paying the rent, then?

-Rent?

Mm-hmm.

Maybe you're just being paranoid.

It's like your mum said - she's given you reason in the past.

Yeah, but you don't know her.

She's sly, she's trying to get you onside.

Look, if I'm on anyone's side it's yours, all right?

But she is your mum, and, look, maybe she needs you

-and this is her cry for help.

-DOOR OPENS

Ahh, just the lady that I need.

"Oh, hello, Dad, how are you?"

Erm, can you do me a favour? Can you hand these out.

Seriously?

Yeah, seriously. Look, McKlunky's is sticking a big dent in our profits.

-It'll just take a couple of hours.

-Why can't she do it?

Well, it's a good point - you could help.

I would, but...

Big girl, me. Besides, I've got plenty here to keep me entertained.

Settled, then.

-Why not?

-Lauren, look at it from my point of view.

Why would I want to employ someone who is lazy, irresponsible and for most of the time, drunk?

Fine, second-rate car sales ain't really my scene anyway.

-Good.

-And the money was a joke.

Right, well, don't forget to put me down as your referee, yeah?

Hello, darling.

-What did she say?

-She wanted her job back, didn't she? Cheeky mare.

Maybe you should give it back. We can keep an eye on her.

I know what I'm doing. She'll come running back in under six hours.

Princess Amira off shopping, is she? Left you with the baby.

Didn't Ant tell you? She's left Walford.

Vodka.

Cheese.

Not the type you find in the back of your fridge.

This is bona fide Stinking Bishop.

And wait for it, wait for it...

Cagney and Lacey box set, I got it down the market.

Well, slap me down, Hev, I expected a better reaction than that.

She said she was busy.

Pen. Paper. We can make a list.

A list?

-Yeah, you know. Things to do. It's what honoured maids do, innit?

-It's actually all sorted.

Nah, come on, there must be something. Flowers?

Mr Trueman's getting them.

What about them little name thingies that you put on the table?

-No, we're not making it that formal.

-DJ?

By sorted, we meant...sorted.

Erm, there is one thing you can do.

We haven't decided on the reading yet.

So, s'pose you could help out with that.

Stop being so thick, all right, Tamwar?

we're here to run the restaurant so that you can have a nice evening with Afia.

-Here you go.

-There's no need, cos she knows we're busy.

-Masood!

Yeah, yeah, look, Tam, after everything

we've been through recently - Afia especially -

we need to be a bit... kinder to each other.

Now, look, Tam, it's time for you to step up.

Your wife needs you.

You know, I reckon I was wrong about your mum.

She's nice. Brave, even.

It must be hard, battling an alcohol addiction.

You must really, really trust her.

You know what? Tell Ian I ain't his skivvy.

Where's she off to?

Oh, give them here. I'll do it.

BOTH: # Diamonds and Pearls... #

To the D to the I to the A to the M.

O to the N to the D to the pearls of love...

Perfect.

Perfect!

Or maybe not.

It's a bit...

-A bit what?

-It's a lot tacky.

-Maybe he's right, Shirl.

-It's Prince! It's class!

I was thinking a poem.

Hev's never read a poem in her life!

-Shakespeare - a love sonnet.

-Oh, shut up.

You can't have Shakespeare at your wedding - tell him.

I like Romeo and Juliet.

You like Leonardo DiCaprio, it ain't the same thing.

I'm just saying, maybe we should discuss it first.

You know - in private.

OK, sure.

No. We're going to compete for this.

You think you know Hev better than me? Prove it.

All right, then.

All right, then.

Mum!

Mum!

Mum! Mum!

Mum. Mum!

I was having a kip.

All the things you said, the counselling, the medication...

What you doing back so soon? You checking up on me?

Mum, you can't keep drinking like this...

Oh, leave it out, Mand. I'm fed up with this high and mighty act.

It ain't you, so drop it.

Come on.

Come and sit with your old mum, eh?

Come on. We've barely spent any time together since I first got here.

You know why I do it, don't you?

I don't mean to, but it just helps, you know?

Helps stop the pain.

D'you know what really hurts? Cuts me to the quick.

To think, if that stuck-up little madam hadn't got in touch,

I never would have known about any of this.

You wouldn't have told me.

Now you want to get rid of me.

This is my life, Mum.

Mine. You don't get to take everything from me.

Kept your priorities the same - always looking out for number one -

just like you've always done.

Is that right?

So who was it, Mum, that used to sit up all night by the phone

waiting to call the police just in case you didn't come home?

Who was it, Mum, that would sit up all night while you slept,

waiting for you to choke on your own vomit?

Or stand outside your bedroom door, Mum,

waiting for your moans to turn into screams?

That's right. Yeah, total mess-up, me. No wonder you want rid.

I never said that...

No, you don't have to. You've always thought you were better than me.

Making out you're all lah-di-dah.

I tell you, you're no different from me.

A washed-up old tart.

You're jealous, Mum. That's what this is.

Cos I've found someone who...who cares about me

and you don't like it.

Because I can do something, Mum, you've never been capable of...

..I can get someone to love me.

Oh, sweetheart.

Oh, Mandy Moo.

I've told you this before.

Men don't fall in love with girls like you.

Cos you're nothing

but a skinny little cow.

There is not one lovable bone in that entire body of yours.

And if you died tomorrow, d'you think anyone would shed a tear?

No.

Do you think anybody would be there at your graveside?

No.

-IAN:

-You all right?

Mandy?

What's happened?

It was like a hijack. Like a parental hijack.

Well, your mum's assertiveness has its uses sometimes.

-What's that? Baked beans?

-Well, you weren't expecting me

to slave all day in the kitchen, now, were you?

I mean, this is the 21st century, Tam. Now, sit down.

OK.

Who's my favourite female singer?

Is it Madonna?

Madonna? You muppet. Hazel Dean.

Correct. Next question - what's my favourite song?

I know this, I know this - it's Careless Whisper.

Uh. Trick question.

I got it, I got it - it's Wham, Wake Me Up - pride of place in your vinyl collection, innit?

That's number two. It's Mel And Kim, Respectable.

Correct. Right, that's four to Shirley, zero to Andrew.

# Diamonds and Pearls... #

Next question, what's George's favourite song?

-The Wheels On The Bus.

-Correct.

No, hang on a minute.

This quiz is supposed to be about you, not George.

Yeah, so George is me. OK.

What is George's favourite food?

Mashed banana with chocolate sprinkles.

-Correct.

-Yes!

She all right? I didn't mean anything that I said. You know, she's over-sensitive.

You know what mothers and daughters can be like.

Yeah, how about we all go out for a meal?

-You an' all, Lucy.

-Lovely.

Yeah, I think it's what we need - you know, get out of the house.

Yeah. Lovely.

Who's the prettiest girl in the world? Who is?

Not when she's making that face.

You better not need a nappy change, Yaz.

-I will leave you to enjoy the perks of fatherhood.

-Yeah, while I still can.

-Amira called - she's taking her back tonight.

-No...

Just when I was getting used to it.

Syed, you'll always be her father.

Ma. About yesterday...Christian... it meant a lot.

-You all right?

-Hello.

-Kim?

-Anthony - hope you're all right.

-I'm sure she didn't mean to hurt you.

-What you talking about?

-Have you not spoken to Tyler?

-Not recently. Why?

Look, maybe it's best if he tells you.

I think it's best if you tell me, don't you?

College leavers?

And by that, you mean with some sort of grades, I suppose?

All right, thank you. Bye.

Oh, that bad, is it?

What? No, my head just felt a bit heavy, that's all.

Why don't you come home, sweetheart? I miss you.

House feels empty without you, and Abi's going off on a school trip

-next week so it'll feel even emptier...

-Don't, Mum.

-What?

-Guilt trip me.

I'll still be there for you, with the scan and everything, I just won't be in the same house as you.

What are you going to live off?

-Wages, like most human beings.

-You haven't got a job.

Ah, see, that is where you're wrong.

OK, so it's neck and neck - 24 points each.

Final question...

How...do I take my tea?

Milky, three sugars. Sucker!

Actually, Shirl, that's the wrong answer. Andrew?

It's milky, two and a half sugars.

Correct.

No, it ain't. I've been making her tea over 20 years.

Well, it's a New Year's resolution, Shirl - I've cut down this year.

Guess that means I won?

Guess so.

Right. Well...

Congratulations.

Better start learning your Shakespeare, Hev.

"Forsooth, thee looks as fit as a rose, Hev."

Designer clothes, underwear, shoes...more shoes!

What? I need a new wardrobe, don't I?

Kim, we said we'd discuss what we spent.

Anyway, it'll be ages before we see the money, anyway.

What about the bling watch that you bought?

I gave you that money in good faith,

-trusting that you would use it wisely.

-Oh, right, so you want it back now?

No...that's not what I'm saying.

-So what are you saying? Just say, or just butt out.

-Oh!

Nice one, sis!

-Why don't you just get out of the place?

-What?

You all right, love?

Well, Ian Beale, I just want to thank you for your hospitality to me

and my daughter.

Let's order champagne - celebrate!

-No, Mum.

-Ian's a man of class.

I bet you know all the names of the fancy ones, don't you?

-We're not ordering champagne.

-Lucy!

Oh, you can't afford it. Sorry, I didn't think...

No. Well, s'pose one bottle won't hurt, will it?

Masood... A bottle of that.

Ready for pudding?

-Yeah, Angel Delight?

-Very funny. Right, are you ready?

Yeah.

Look, I know you wanted a life-size one, but, well, I thought

I'd make you an edible one because it's cheaper and more fun for me.

It's not very good, is it?

I never said I was an expert baker,

and I was never, ever any good at colouring in between the lines,

but, actually, Tam, I think I've got the shape down pretty well.

You like it, then?

Yeah.

Ow!

-Sorry.

-No...

-I'm sorry.

-Afia...

All right?

I take it you've heard, then?

Gutted?

Can I... Can I get a beer?

You know, you're better off without her, mate.

Don't. Just don't talk.

Zee, look, I wanted to say sorry for snapping at you earlier.

You're right. Kim and I - it was a bit rash, spending the money.

I am gonna sit down and have a proper think about it.

-That's very sensible.

-So we're mates?

-Yes.

-Great.

You know what, Denise? Why don't I come over tomorrow

and then we can work it out? It'll only take a few hours.

-Fantastic!

-Great. Let's go.

Erm, where did you get that from?

They made it for me specially at the bar.

You don't mind do you, love? She's scared I'll embarrass her and get drunk.

That's Mand all over, always been ashamed of her old mum.

-Maybe she has good reason.

-Lucy!

That why she didn't tell Dad you stole his money?

I thought you said it was to pay back a loan?

What difference does it make?

So she did steal from me?

Yeah. Why are you sitting there and letting her get away with it?

-I thought you respected me?

-Oh, Ian, my love. Why would I respect you?

-How dare you?!

-I think we should go.

Come on, we're having a nice time. What's the rush? You can take a joke, can't you?

-I think I missed the punchline.

-So, you and my daughter - it's the real deal, is it?

Yeah, that's right.

Love's young dream? Jumping you every night, is she? Can't get enough?

-Mum, don't be sick!

-I thought not. Well, don't that tell you something, eh?

I bet she makes you work for it too, don't she? Nice presents, drinks, evenings out...

and then, maybe, just maybe, you'll get lucky.

But it's always on a promise.

Mandy! Mandy, wait up.

-What is Ian thinking of with her?

-No idea.

-Hello.

-All right?

-So this is it, yeah? The big job?

Bit of cleaning for Janine? What was it, more your scene?

For your information, Dad, it's well good -

I've met loads of cool people. Lola's a right laugh.

D'you want a chip? Have a chip, I don't need all these.

No, no, no. I'm not hungry, actually. Janine bought us all pizzas to say thank you.

-Ow, wow. Sounds great.

-That's nice, innit?

Yeah, have a good night.

Look after yourself, won't you?

Six hours, you said.

Oi!

-You drunken idiot!

-Don't ask.

She let you win, do you know that?

-What?

-It's true. You don't know Hev. Not really.

Not sure Heather would agree with you.

Where were you, Andrew, when all the important things happened?

Where were you when I was drying her tears

when her bully of a mother called her a pig?

Where were you when I was picking up the pieces of her broken heart for the umpteenth time?

You ever sat up with her all night listening to Careless Whisper on repeat

until she falls asleep?

Where were you, Andrew?

I was there.

I know Hev.

And d'you know why Andrew doesn't know that stuff, Shirl?

Because that's not who I am any more.

I'm not your loser sidekick whose only relationship was with someone

who didn't love me back.

I've moved on from all that. I'm happy.

And so, you should be happy for me too.

Sorry, Hev. I shouldn't have come.

I'll leave you two to enjoy your evening together.

Why didn't you tell me what she's like?

I tried, but...

You know, I would never have let it get this far...

She wouldn't stay away.

-You...get out of my house.

-Lighten up, Ian, I was only having a laugh.

-Look what she did to me.

-Yeah, good shot, weren't it?

-Get up them stairs, pack your bags and get out of my house.

-Tell him, Mand.

-Go!

Mand, tell him.

Can I help?

No, I've got it.

I'm your wife.

Is that OK?

Yeah.

Well, I'll be seeing you then, Mand.

When you get bored of this one.

-Cos no doubt, Ian, she will, mark my words.

-Out of my house.

-And, you, watch yourself.

-Oi, leave her.

-Be seeing you.

Do you know how many other losers she's got down the aisle?

No? Surprise, surprise, she kept that quiet, didn't she?

-Nine!

-Just go.

You just say the name Alex to her, and you see the look on her face.

Cos he was the last poor wretch.

But now she's broken him, he's lost his home, his job,

everything - he's a mess - just like the rest of them.

Cos my daughter, she eats them up and she spits 'em out.

My advice to you - get out now while you can.

Before she's taken every scrap of dignity that you've got left.

Alex. Remember that?

DOOR SLAMS

What did she just say?

Nothing.

Come here.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd