13/03/2012 EastEnders

(Results are 11:30, ain't they?)

(Yeah.)

(It's going to be a good day.)

-Ben!

-What is wrong with the school bus all of a sudden?

He's a big boy, ain't he?

Not now, love. Come on, Ben.

All right. I'll have breakfast waiting for you when you get home.

Yeah, well, I've got a lot on my mind at the moment.

Oh.

Come on, lover boy.

Grandad, it's my roots.

-Go on. That's never out of a bottle, is it?

-Yeah.

Watch the road, sweetheart. Watch where you're going.

-Good girl.

-Here you are.

Grandad, you are a complete star.

Not a problem. Takes effort being as beautiful as your mum.

Yeah. See you later. Wave bye-bye. See you later. Come on.

Perhaps one of those lift and separate jobbies'd work.

Going to have to take it in. Looks like a nightie.

-You look beautiful, Heather.

-Do I?

Couldn't you keep your arms straight down by your sides?

Cos I said to Andrew, you know, the thing about losing weight is you shouldn't eat too much.

And that's because I'm excited.

When I was young, the one thing we didn't want second hand was a wedding dress.

-Unlike an husband.

-Oh. That doesn't matter, though, does it?

I mean, who needs, you know...

diamante beading and duchess satin.

Cos Blush and Bloom on the high street, you know,

they're charging a fortune for that one in the window.

I-It's only a dress, innit?

-But it's your wedding dress, Heather.

-Yeah.

But all I need is Andrew, Mrs Branning.

Yeah, well, them dispenser drawers, they won't bleach themselves.

A Lycra bodyshaper should do it.

No, won't work. Make her look like a sausage.

You look lovely.

IAN HONKS HORN

You get your dad banged up and suddenly every cret wants to talk to you.

Is that why you've done this?

To your dad. To...to try and improve your street cred?

Ben, your dad could go to jail for a long time

-on the back of what you've said to the police.

-Street cred. What decade are you in?

Years and years for something you know he didn't do.

What do you mean didn't do?

Then why was he on the top of that roof, eh?

Looking at the view? He's meant to be my dad, Ian.

He's meant to want Stella dead.

Anyway, since when did you get best mates with him?

-It's a lie!

-And?

What if he gets off?

I mean, he won't, will he?

All right, what if he doesn't get off?

Ben, you can't just change your mind later.

Well, not unless you want to go back inside for perjury.

You thought about that?

And what about when you get married,

or you have kids, or you move house,

or any of those big days in your life?

Your dad ain't going to be there.

It's going to be his face that's missing from the photos.

Right, and what if get ill or...

even dies in prison? Have you thought about that?

Ben, you're condemning yourself to your own life sentence here.

Of sleepless nights.

And the kind of guilty conscience that's going to just turn you

into a heartless, rotten man.

You're jealous, ain't you?

-We ain't officially open yet.

-But I've got six towels and four flannels that I need to wash.

Yes, and I've got a private telephone call I need to make.

Your mum needs us together.

These results, Lauren, they're the difference between life and...

Let's just go to the hospital with her, shall we? You, me, your nan.

Together. That's all I'm saying.

Whatever, whatever the results are, we'll just...

-we'll just keep strong.

-Yeah?

All on the same team? All there for each other?

Right.

So, you never legged it, then?

I was never left holding her up on my own.

What? Suddenly, I've got a use again, have I?

Suddenly...suddenly I'm wanted?

Would you just stop always having to have a dig, Lauren?

Will you, please? For once in your life.

Just as long as I keep my mouth shut.

Just as long as I don't get in the way of all the important stuff.

Like you and her. Oh, and her and you,

because, let's face it,

it's only ever really been about youse two, ain't it?

Everybody out now, please.

Lauren, please.

Sorry.

Sorry. See? It's not a big word, is it?

Look, no-one bullies me, all right? No-one puts my head down the toilet.

-And no-one trips me up!

-You're a good, kind lad.

-You would love it...

You would love me to be as pathetic as you.

Do you sleep at night, Ian?

I bet you torch Dad's house in your dreams, don't you?

Do you torture him, Ian? In your dreams. Yeah?

Cos you ain't got the guts to do it in real life!

You ain't got the guts and you're jealous.

-What's he done to you, Ben?

-I have bottle. I have bottle, all right.

And whatever he gives out, he knows that. He understands it, you know.

And even Shirl, she don't get it.

Because, one day, one day, my dad, my dad will respect that.

What the hell has Phil done to you?

He's my dad. He's my dad.

What? Do you think he's messed with me?

Do you think he's hurt me, Ian?

Don't you dare disrespect my dad, Ian!

You what?

What's he done, right? He's taught me how to look after myself - you weren't up for it, was you?

Ben, you put your dad in prison. You did that! You!

Do you think it's easy taking some runty kid straight off a plane, do you? Eh?

I'm a Mitchell, all right. Just cos you can't handle that...

I'm a Mitchell!

And that's all down to him.

Then let him rot. Let him rot, Ben.

I mean, can you hear yourself?

Can you hear this mental nonsense spouting you're out of your mouth?

You love him, so you put him in prison.

You hurt him, so that it makes him proud of you.

Why, Ben? I just don't get it!

I remember a kid

who liked dancing, who made a mean cake.

This kid, when got off the plane, he was shy.

He was kind.

He knew right from wrong.

So, if your dad has bullied that out of you, then, yes...

..let him rot in prison because that is what he deserves, OK?

D'you know what, I don't know what the hell our mother'd be saying.

She'd be breaking her heart, right now.

Cos she'd tell me I can't sit on information like this.

Well, the Old Bill wouldn't believe you, anyway.

No, I told you a secret.

He hates me, Ian!

You can make it better, Ben, OK? You can.

-Come here.

-No, no.

-Come here. You can.

Ben. Look, you can make it stop. OK?

You can make it stop.

Is this telephone banking or 20 questions?

Yes. That is my mother's maiden name.

I already gave you my mother's maiden name.

And I know my date of birth and I am relatively concrete on my favourite colour.

Would you like to write that down an' all?

No, no.

That is the short number. I already gave you the long number.

Look, my mother's name is not on my own banking card

because it is my own banking card.

And my name is on my banking card.

What I want from you, before Christmas,

is to take some of MY money out of my OWN bank account,

using my OWN banking card.

Oh. Oh, really.

No wonder we're in a recession, hovering on a double dip.

No! No, I can't hold.

If I had time to hold, I could be running down to the cash point

and queuing up.

No. No. No, I don't wish to continue the transaction.

I shall go running down to the cash point and I shall queue up.

Oh.

SHE SIGHS

Max, do we have to? I know we got to keep it up for the kids,

but when we're on our own? Looking on the bright side all the time is knackering.

-Wait for the results.

-I swear the next well-meaning idiot to tell me about positive thinking!

You got a kidney stone, you can't just positively think it through your bladder, can you?

You're in the middle of a heart attack, you don't just will it to stop, so...

Right. So, we've got special bits here, you know,

things that might get forgotten about or lost, if you're left in charge,

like dance badges and that picture Abs did of you, looking like an egg.

-Half hundred weight of Oscar's best stone...

-Have we got time for this now?

-Yes.

There's always been time, Max, We've just been wasting it.

Every birthday, there's a little letter.

All right? And I don't want it to be miserable. All right?

You know what Oscar's like about ghosts and skeletons.

He gets all freaked out. So, don't make him open it.

It's just... Yeah, it's just there if...

It's meant to be happy, yeah? And it's there, just so that they all...

Right. We've got to be practical, right. We need to be ready.

The girls were tiny, such a short space of time, and I wished it away, didn't I?

On potty training and sleeping through and...

So, I just want to get this last bit right and...

You know, I want to do as much as I can while I still can.

I want you to be able to lay your hands on the important things,

like, I've got certificates, and my wedding dress.

-Babe, you've got years ahead.

-You do know where my wedding dress is?

Shoe boxes.

A shoe box ain't going to be able to do their hair, is it?

Or give 'em a cuddle. Kiss 'em goodnight.

Yes, I know that! I do know that, Max! I know!

Oh, for God's sake!

See, even now, even now, I'm just doing it on my own, aren't I?

Will you please...? Would you please just be there for me?

Oh.

What you been doing to yourself?

-Has Heather left yet?

-She's in there.

Good. Look, she's got to be kept here. It is vitally imperative.

Look, can we just keep this between you and me, yeah, Annie? Yeah?

You'll be all right.

You've only got to shut the salon for, what? A couple of hours?

I'm fine.

Oh. She's fine.

-Keep an eye on her, Patrick

-I'm fine.

I just fancied some tea in a proper cup while my drawers were soaking.

-I'll make it.

-I'm making it.

Mrs Branning. I said I'd help.

-I'll tell you what, I'll go and dry your drawers for you.

-No. You can't go, no.

-Oh, oh, look at my room, looks like a bomb's hit it.

-I'll do it.

No. Is it your imminent nuptials what have rearranged my furniture?

-No.

-No. No.

-Ta. Oh.

-Oh, dear.

Amy is not coming around here any more. End of.

-Fine. I'll just cancel my biscuit order.

-D'you know what?

I was sat in that salon chair like some skanky, old tart.

-Well, if the cap fits.

-Cap?

I'm not talking about caps! Bianca, I am talking about little, metal combs

and tea tree shampoo and chemicals and separate towels and us lot, we're going to be picking over each other

like a dirty bunch of dirty apes. And I've got roots now!

You know what, you want to take better care of your kids.

-Are you telling me I don't know how to look after my kids?

-Well, if the cap fits.

-Saying I'm not a good mother?

-You had a house of creepy, crawly heads

and you didn't even know about it.

-That is it! Get in there.

-No. I'll catch something even more disgusting.

Don't be so silly. Just go in there.

-We said she had eczema.

-Or psoriasis.

I said psoriasis cos my mum gets that.

But then he saw the eggs.

Here, Rox. I think Amy's given all the kids nits.

Ergh.

Course, I could do the bathroom.

Though, I never actually went in the bathroom.

Oh, about time. ..Oh, yes, of course.

Yes. Well, I suppose, I suppose you should go now.

Oh. Thanks, Mrs Branning.

I'll tell you what, I'll see you in there, all right.

-I'll see you there.

-Tan?

-Look in the glove box.

-I have looked in the glove box.

We can't pay, we can't park. What happened to that little change holder I got you for Christmas?

I do know how the parking system operates.

-Thanks for that.

-The whole point of the change holder was to leave it in the car.

You got any change?

-I am not the owner of this vehicle.

-No, no, that's right.

You're the owner of the mouth that's doing my nut in.

You know your trouble, Max? You don't think ahead.

And now, my daughter is in there waiting for her results on her own.

I'm doing my best, all right! I don't need some sanctimonious, old bag standing over me,

telling me it ain't good enough.

Don't you think if I could magic it all better, I would?

If I could fix your daughter, Cora, I would.

If I could make her better, I would. But I can't.

Can I, Cora? I can't!

Emergency bingo money. Here. Pay the meter.

It's rotten. All of this.

Lauren's just a kid. You can't blame her.

Nobody wants to be here, it's frightening.

But you ain't got a choice. You got to take it on the chin.

You got to take everything that's chucked at your family

and hold it together.

Cos that's your job. And if you let Tanya down now

I'm going to have your crown jewels for earrings, Max.

PATRICK CHUCKLES

DOT CHUCKLES

You look absolutely beautiful.

-It's the exact one I wanted, Patrick.

-Oh, fancy that.

I've always had secret admirers since I can't remember when.

This is her wedding dress, you fool.

Not half a pound of liquorice from some dirty, old man,

like some I could mention.

This will be Heather's ONLY wedding day.

I thought she married that Minty man?

And this time, it's the right one.

Well, Heather really needed something what fitted her,

didn't she?

-You!

-What?

Oh! Oh, Mrs Branning, thank you ever so much.

Yes, yes, well, well, you know.

I mean, you do know that bleach rots drawers

-if they're left long in it, don't you?

-Yes. Yes, I mean,

I'll take this off and then I'm going to get to work.

I'm going to scrub your drawers till they sparkle!

You! Jim always said you're an interfering, old woman.

Well, it's better to give than to receive, ain't it, Patrick?

I'm not surprised she could buy a wedding dress outright.

I'll have you know that I didn't buy a wedding dress outright.

I am paying for it by instalments.

-I'm very relieved you took my advice.

-I'm very relieved to hear that, Rose Elizabeth

cos your rent has just gone up by £10 a week.

I should be buying you a coffee.

Nah, don't be silly. You don't need to buy me a coffee, darling.

Good. Cos I can't afford to buy you a coffee.

I just mean, in a virtual world, I would not be making it for you

in Bianca Butcher's mugs, while I babysit her kids.

Oh, you mean... You're talking about the virtual world.

Well, see you, I'm far too busy.

Yeah, yeah, headlining Vegas, ah-ha.

Taking care of my harem and sailing around the world in the Blue Moon yacht.

Making sure I get back here on time to let the brewers in

and stop Jean flogging her radishes.

Don't get me started. What does she call it now? The Crunch Lunch.

Yes. Summer alternative to sausage surprise, apparently.

That's the thing, right - you go away and you got to come back.

Well, not if you've got a sick reli, you don't.

-How is she? How's Kat?

-She's good. She's good. She's still being bossy and shouting,

nothing changes there. She's going to stick around, keep an eye on Charlie.

-I'm sorry.

-That's all right. It's fine.

Mind you, once she finds out she's got a bit of stiff competition

from my temporary landlady, who I think's gorgeous.

-You got a new landlady?

-Hmm, yeah.

-And she's gorgeous?

-Yeah, she's lovely, she's a cracker.

-It's your job if you want it.

-What?

-It's yours.

-Are you serious?

-Course!

-Are you serious? Alfie!

-Course.

-Alfie, I'd love it.

-All right.

-Thank you.

-You'll be helping me out big time. Hold on.

-Oh, yeah.

-But I really want us to start as we mean to go on, all right?

-OK.

So, erm, will you come upstairs with me, Rox?

Pardon?

Cos, well, Tiffany's got a hairdressers in one of the bedrooms.

No, no! The hat looks lovely, the hat will work behind the bar,

I promise you, it's beautiful. It's just the roots we need to work on, I can see the nits jumping.

-What you talking about my roots for?

-Look at the nits, they're jumping.

-Touch it then.

-No, no. Upstairs.

-You want to put my hat on.

-Oh, look at the nits, they're all dancing.

There's another one coming up, Tiff! One with nits.

Don't be scared.

I'm not scared.

I'm meant to be in double biology.

It's all right, I've emailed the school.

I can't remember her voice.

Mum.

You said, "What would she say?"

I don't know what she'd say. I can't remember her any more.

She'd say you're doing a good thing.

All right. Telling the truth, that's the right thing to do.

How about we grab some lunch after?

-Seeing as Marsden can't see us till three o'clock.

-Do you think he'll cry?

Do you think he'll hug me?

He'll hug me, won't he? Or cry.

But he'll definitely hug me.

Erm...

..I don't know.

Yeah.

Do you think he's had his head flushed?

You know he's been beaten up, don't you?

D'you think... D'you think he'll tell me he loves me?

He'll probably say anything in a minute, won't he?

Yeah, no, but you're right.

-I'm doing the right thing.

-Yeah.

-And he will realise that, won't he?

I mean, biology and natural law and all that. I mean,

the son takes over from the father.

He has to get his head round that, Ian. He has to.

Ben. You're nervous, OK. This is just the nerves.

If he cries, we leave. If he cries, he's blown it.

I won't sit here and watch my old man cry.

It's OK. It's OK to be scared.

KEYS RATTLE

I'm not scared.

-I didn't expect you to come. You didn't have to come.

-No big deal.

You're a good girl. She's a good girl, ain't she?

-Yeah.

-Horrible, scary places, eh?

I'd happily have legged it at the door myself.

I'll get us a cup of coffee. Got any change?

-Your old man cleaned me out.

-I'm for ever re-filling that change holder.

-Sorry.

-OK.

-OK.

It don't mean I'm happy about the binge drinking.

Actually, you're not right. We've always cared about you kids

-as much as we have about each other.

-You could've just stopped at sorry.

Isn't your appointment at half 11?

We're just waiting for the oncologist to be free.

She can still have a hot drink, can't she?

I mean, even if it has...

-..you know...

-Cora.

-Spread.

You mean, if the disease has spread, if the tumour's still there.

All I'm trying to say is,

-they're not going to take her in right now, are they?

-I haven't got an overnight bag.

I will be there.

I will. I'll be there.

I'm not ready.

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