03/04/2012 EastEnders

Derek, I told you, mate,

I can't take no more at the Vic, all right?

Nah, this is different.

Bigger.

A proper job.

You do still need cash, don't you, Alfie?

Cup of coffee please, darling.

Sorry. Maybe next time.

Well, it's your decision. Oh, Alfie.

-Poker.

-Do what?!

-I thought you might want a rematch.

You do still play cards, don't you?

Course I do. Just say when and where.

Basher's, 7.30.

Tonight?!

OK, let me have a chat with Jean,

see if she can take care of Shenice, all right?

Good. I'll get my brothers together.

You bring your cousin, make up the numbers.

Sorry, I thought I told you it was book club.

Yeah, I just didn't realise it was tonight, that's all.

I was going to cook us a dinner

and Abi was going to take Oscar out.

We was going to have the whole place to ourselves.

I can't really back out now.

-MAX SIGHS

-Well, we'll do it another time.

Well, I suppose this means you want me out from under your feet, is it?

Women only, yeah?

It's all right, there's a car auction.

I'll go to that.

-Lovely idea, Max.

-Yeah.

I thought you loved poker.

I do, but not as much as I love my arms and legs.

Which I won't have much longer

if I keep dipping into Phil's rent, will I?

Granddad, you will be fine, all right?

A bit of blag, a bit of charm - it's what you do best, ain't it, eh?

You can't lose.

Come on, you going to Tan's book club tonight or what?

Who says I've been invited?

Anyway - bothered? Not my thing. Move your foot, please.

They won't mind you pitching in, darling.

It'll be fine, Jean can take care of Amy.

I bet it hasn't been a barrel of laughs round your place lately.

No, that's an understatement.

Nah, me and Tanya, we're not exactly bosom buddies, you know?

Rox, just put out the hand of friendship like that.

Weren't you always telling me

that you and Ronnie were the social lifeblood of the Square?

Nah, you know what, even if I fancied it,

let me tell you something.

The last book I read was probably...

-the photo stories in... the My Guy annual, 1988.

-No!

I remember them!

You've just got to blag it.

Go on one of these online book stores, check out the reviews. Come on, job done.

Come on, Cinders, keep sweeping.

I do hope Tanya's not going to make those awful vol-au-vents.

They're not a patch on my samosas.

-I'll put the kettle on.

-Yes.

Wicked Witch of the West ain't about, is she?

If you are referring to my friend and colleague Denise, she's busy.

Good. Can I get a bottle of scotch, please?

Unless I take my money elsewhere?

Oi!

What you doing? He's barred!

Come on, isn't this a little bit childish now?

-He started it!

-No, you did,

when you stole my builder.

Give us the scotch. Here you are.

Thank you, Zainab.

Oh, that man...

He's asking for a slap!

-Count me out. Getting fleeced by the Brannings ain't my idea of fun.

-Oh...

You got better things at home to do with the missus, eh? Good lad.

Oh, don't tell me, trouble in paradise again, is there?

No, it's, erm...

Have you had times, you know, with you and Kat, when, erm...

Me and Kat what?

I'll tell you what, it's like you've got a new car,

but the engine won't rev.

Ian, what you talking about? New car?

Never mind, don't worry.

-Hiya.

-All right, love?

-Hello, sweetheart.

You left early today.

Yeah, got a lot to do.

With the stall, and running the caff and stuff.

Right. Well, look, I thought, what with Bobby and Lucy out,

maybe tonight we could snuggle up with a DVD.

Little glass of wine, relax...

Look, I'd love to, but I've got to dash, all right?

I promised Alfie and the lads I'd play cards tonight.

It's not really my bag.

And you agreed to this because?

Cos I needed the brownie points.

And I told Derek I was going to ask you.

-If you don't come, you'll look like a wuss, so it's up to you.

-Thank you, cousin, very thoughtful.

All right, Phil? What can I do for you?

You and Derek looked very cosy in the caff earlier.

Listen, you don't need to worry about that.

All the stuff that was out the back,

he's cleared it all out.

-Check it if you like.

-I think I'll do that.

You going to this game later?

What you on about?

This poker game at Basher's.

I thought you knew. Derek set it up.

Good. Come on, then, if you're going.

Ooh, you've changed your tune, have you?

Yeah.

Should be a laugh.

-All right?

-Hi.

-Mind if I sit down?

-No, go on.

-Cheers.

So, you not been invited to book club either?

Oh! Is that where they're all going?

-Yep.

-Oh. Sounds tragic.

-You know it.

Oh, cheers.

Sorry, I've got to...wipe it.

MANDY GIGGLES

You know what, me and my sister used to do this before we went out.

What, get tanked up before you hit the clubs? Been there.

You know what, though?

It was kind of, like, our way of kicking off the evening.

Not the highlight of the night, but...

Oh, wow.

Are we the tragic ones?

Well, there's only one way to find out.

We should've brought a bottle.

Would you rather shell out on these or on food for the kids?

Anyway, they don't notice.

-Oh, cheers, Tanya.

-Thanks, Tan.

Where you sneaking off to?

The Vic...for wine.

Well, I'm sure Tanya's got a vat of it in the kitchen.

This wouldn't be about a certain someone who works there, would it?

Ray?

Fine. Just don't blame me when we run out of booze, yeah?

I don't know why I let you talk me into coming here.

I mean, I only read the bible nowadays.

Modern books are full of fornication and violence.

I mean, there's enough in the world as it is.

Ain't about the books, though, is it?

It's about neighbours getting together to break bread

and support each other.

You don't have to go to church for that, Dot.

Cora, it ain't the same at all.

Do you know what? I love what you've done with this room, Tan.

Oh, thank you.

It's much more modern than what other people do round here.

Didn't you ask Shirley to come, then?

It didn't seem right after how she reacted last week in the Vic.

Can you blame her for being so upset,

with her best friend's killer walking around the Square,

bold as brass?

We don't know that yet, do we?

Who else could it be, though, really?

Sorry, Dot, didn't mean to upset you.

-Right, so shall I put some music on?

-Yes. Good idea. It's over there.

Could we make a start, please?

Because I went down to the library

and picked up some potential choices.

I thought you said we wouldn't have to talk about any books?

And seeing as we haven't done many classics,

I thought how about a Bronte sister?

Oh, Zainab, bore-off!

Excuse me, who invited you two?

Well, the door was on the latch so we thought it was an open house.

We didn't come empty-handed.

What's that?

Oh, I've actually read this.

You think it's going to be about some weird medical disorder

and it actually turns out to be a really good psychological thriller.

It's quite gripping, actually.

Yes, well, that's very nice.

But I think we're a bit full up this time round.

Maybe next time.

What happened to community spirit?

Yeah, Dot's right.

The more the merrier.

Make yourselves at home, girls.

Just keep her out of my way.

OK.

Let us raise the first glass to Tan.

Now, Tan, she's had a real battle on her hands these past few months,

but she's come out even stronger the other side, ain't she?

It's great to see her back so fighting fit.

Anyway, so here's to Tanya.

ALL: Tanya!

No, I'm all right. I like to keep a clear head when I'm playing cards.

Yeah, playing Snap with Bobby don't count, though.

Come on, don't knock the Beale.

-Pulled a cracker like Mandy, didn't he?

-Fair play to you.

That's why you've got bags under your eyes, eh?

Keeping you up at night?

-Max ain't going to make it back in time.

-Let's get started, then.

Make it a bit more interesting.

What do you say we play cash-only tonight, if that's OK?

Right.

I wouldn't expect anything less.

And...

..can't be too careful when there's Moons about, can you, eh?

-No offence.

-Very suspicious mind there, Derek.

You're not worried about losing, are you?

-Wouldn't be the first time you played dirty.

-Lads, lads, come on. This is fine. It's OK, it's OK.

DOOR OPENS

Sorry, mate, we're closed.

Well, you weren't going to start without me, was you?

Grab a pew.

Unless there's any objections?

I thought we were going to play with yours, Derek? No?

Alfie's the dealer.

It's his choice.

This is nice, isn't it?

You fancied Syed?!

My Syed?

Yes, before I realised he was gay, OK!

He's been out two years - get over it.

-You know who I think's fit?

-Michael Moon?

You don't fancy Michael Moon?!

Me? No! I just think he's a bit easy on the eye.

That why you went out with his dad, to get a bit closer to him? Yeah!

# Carol and Michael sitting in a tree... #

All right, all right, all right, can we go back to Tanya? Who is it? Who is it?

Ray, Morgan's dad. What?

And he's a chef, ain't he, so he's good with his hands.

Well, Bianca should know.

Well, that was years ago.

Right, so if it's the chef thing,

maybe you've got the hots for Ian, too?

No! Oh, sorry, Mandy.

Don't be. I know Ian's not an obvious choice but, believe it or not,

-he's got a lot more going for him than you might think.

-Really?

Yeah, like his bank balance.

No. He can actually be very sweet and very romantic.

Ian Beale?

He can't have been that bad, can he, if Jane was with him all them years.

So, does anybody else think that Ray's fit?

I do!

Oh, Mrs Masmood!

What? I have eyes!

-Do you know who I'd pick?

-Who?

-Alfie.

-What?

Don't say anything to Kat, she would scratch me eyes out!

-Are you serious?

-Why not?

He's a laugh, ain't he, he gets on with everyone,

and he's got a naughty little twinkle in his eye.

Actually, now you say it, I could...

Oh, hands off. You bagsied Ray!

You can't have all men.

No, no, no-one bagsied anybody, yeah? That ain't how it works!

-Anyway, Alfie is just... Alfie. That's it.

-Too nice, no edge.

Nothing wrong with a little bit of nice.

Yeah, edge is over-rated when life throws you a curve-ball.

Believe me.

Right, so if you could choose one quality, what would it be?

What's that word when someone's, like, always making an effort,

and really spoils you?

-Attentive. But not suffocating.

-Yeah. Good with the kids, obviously.

Sincere.

Honesty's far better.

Kind. Never under-estimate kind.

Faithfulness, like my Jim. Not some fly-by-night.

Makes you think you're the only woman in a packed room.

Someone, yeah, who is on your side,

who just makes you feel like it's you against the rest of the world.

-About, that, do you reckon?

-Nah. Think big.

I know what Bealey goes for. Bealey goes for blondes, don't you, eh?

I'm more of a leg man, myself.

Nah, I like a nice round rump, like Pippa Middleton.

Yeah, she's the drop for me.

Now, if Janine wears a wedding dress like that, happy days.

Thought it was the bride who talked about the frocks, eh?

You handling the flowers and the cakes as well, are you(?)

Actually, there is a real art to a good wedding cake.

What's happened with your marriage plans, Ian, eh? Got cold feet?

Wouldn't be surprised. I've met classier alley cats.

So where's your bird, Derek?

Decent bird, though, she wants a bit of privacy, Derek.

Not going to get very far crashing on his couch.

Well, I'm pickier than most. How's Shirley? Bearing up, is she?

I came here to play cards, not chat.

Right, we'll let the girls do that.

Wonder what they chat about at these book clubs anyway.

Mind your own business. Anyway, not as long as Denise here.

Don't turn this around onto me.

Yeah, you can't ask her that, can you? How long?

LAUGHTER

Must you be so crude?

Sorry, Dot.

Give me a whisky and a fag over a fella anytime.

Denise, you want to get back out there, hon, or that is the future.

You know what they say, though, innit? If you don't use it, you lose it.

I'll get some more wine.

Denise, I have an idea.

-Can I give you a hand with anything?

-No, you're all right.

OK, look...

OK, I know my lot and your lot haven't exactly seen eye to eye lately,

and I really just want to say thank you for not kicking me out earlier.

Anything to keep Dot happy.

Oh, look, the truth is I owe you, don't I?

Covering for me at the salon all those times I was having treatment.

-No. It's fine.

-No, it's not.

-You must've thought I was a right lazy cow at the time!

-Yes, I did.

-Yeah.

Only cos I didn't know you had cancer! I'm so sorry.

It's all right, don't be stupid. You can say the word.

I have got used to hearing it now. I've had to.

You know what, I think you're amazing.

Behave!

I do. The way you've dealt with the illness

and the treatment, and the pressure it's put on you and Max.

What you saying?

I'm dribbling on cos I'm drunk.

Yeah, see. Join the club.

I am not going on a blind date!

But I have the perfect man in mind!

Come on, we all know there's no such thing.

Men! Men, men, men, men, men! It's all you've talked about all evening!

You've got family and friends, ain't you?

Ain't that enough?

And you've got a future - not like poor Heather, taken from us before her time. Brutally murdered.

Phil? You in or not? Phil?

Not one of you has mentioned her all night.

It's as if she's already been forgotten.

Course not, Dot.

It's just hard to know what to say.

Why don't we have another toast? To Heather, absent friend.

ALL: To Heather!

Here, anyone know how to make that cocktail that she loved? What was it again? Woo woo!

Roxy's the expert.

Bring me all your booze. Just all of it!

LAUGHTER

Forget it. I'm out.

And I'll raise.

Call.

Nice one. Nicely played, sir.

-Very impressive.

-Did you say something?

We both lost out tonight, eh, Derek?

Well, someone's got to lose. Knowing when to pick your battles.

It's been a pleasure.

Pleasure was all mine.

Now I've got the other stuff but I got no peach schnapps.

Oh, we can't have any woo woos.

-Nah, let's go to the Vic and get some!

-It's past last orders.

There's always the R and R.

And Ray might have gone there for a nightcap.

Bovvered.com?

R and R, ladies?

I think I've had enough fun for one night. And you...blind date?

Oh, anything to shut you up!

-I ain't coming, I'm skint.

-Look, I'll get the first round! You're coming as well, Karen.

I want to get a kebab first.

You joining us, Mum?

No. I better get back, make sure Dot's OK.

What's Max been telling you, about him and Tanya?

Nothing.

So what was all that about before with Tanya?

You talking about them being under pressure.

SHE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

You mis-heard me!

Seriously, come on, as if Max is going to tell me

anything about his marriage!

Shall we break into my last fiver and drown our sorrows?

Get back to Mandy. Where would you rather be, eh?

Crying into a beer with me, or curled up on the sofa with her?

If Kat was around, I know what I'd choose.

Yeah, see you later.

See you, mate, take care.

Lucky Michael told me about the game, or otherwise I'd have missed out.

Listen, Phil, about this week's rent.

It'll be tricky, especially after tonight.

Well, that's the deal and you need to stick to it.

Don't want people round here thinking I'm going soft, do I?

Where's Tanya?

Out. The coast is clear for you and Roxy.

She told me everything.

Then do you want to tell me? Cos I don't know what you're talking about.

You two must have been getting very cosy.

How else would she know about your recent marital problems?

I ain't got a clue, Cora. Probably been gossiping with Jack.

It all makes sense now, how you've been doting on Tanya.

Why wouldn't I dote over her, Cora? She needs looking after.

Or you've got a guilty conscience.

All right, you want the truth, do you?

Roxy made a move, and I knocked her back.

Don't surprise me she's trying to stir things up,

cos she's a woman scorned.

That it, yeah? We done?

Dinner's getting cold.

Get your phone out. You're going to get her over here.

Then we'll see who's lying.

PHONE BEEPS

Hold on. I've got to go. I've got to go.

No, no, no, I'll see you later! Go, go.

-Why don't you go with her?

-Baby! I've missed you!

Hold on, you promised you'd never go to McKlunky's!

Oh. Umm... I'll make it up to you.

Hey, Mandy's told us all about the real Beale.

Everything, yeah! Pretty shocking stuff.

Oh, no, not about that!

All have a good laugh, did you?! I should've let you leave yesterday.

Oh, Ian! It happens to every man once in a while. Get over it!

Ian! Ian!

What's so urgent?

Cora's convinced me and you are having some passionate affair,

so do the decent thing and put her straight, will you?

Please.

Then maybe she'll stop these stupid ideas and go back to watching her Howard's Way box-set.

Cora, I've already told you, yeah. We've been through this.

Tell her the truth, Roxy.

The truth? All right, fine. You want to know the truth, yeah?

Me and Max, we talked a few times, OK?

I was feeling low, after everything that happened with Amy...

Spare me the self-pity.

I flirted with him.

OK. More than that, I offered it up on a plate.

Max wasn't interested, so I backed off. End of.

What sort of shameless scrubber throws herself at a bloke

whose wife's getting over cancer?!

I know. I know, I'm sorry, OK.

Coming here tonight, talking to Tanya,

it made me realise what an idiot I've been.

And I swear to you, I will never try it again.

Too right you won't.

Cos if you do, I'll drag you through the square by those cheap extensions of yours

and let everyone know exactly what you are.

Now get out.

I don't know, Alf.

I'm not sure if I'm comfortable with a Mitchell on the firm.

Derek, you can trust Billy, I promise you.

I'll have to take your word for that.

So, why the change of heart?

Well, try and make back some of the money I lost tonight. And then some.

-I'll be in touch.

-I'll let you out.

Even a tart like Roxy Mitchell needs some sort of encouragement.

Something tells me I'm only getting half the story.

Yeah? You believe what you want.

I won't have my daughter put through any more pain.

Never stop being grateful she's still here, Max. Never.

So...?

OK. So...

..I started a thing with a married man.

Are you judging me?! I knew you were going to judge me!

No, Rox, no. Look at my face.

Look, come on - no judgement.

Yeah, well, it might be your poker face.

-Weren't much good tonight, the amount of cash I lost.

-Oh, no, you didn't! How much?

Stop changing the subject. About this fella. Come on.

OK. We backed out before anything happened. Well, he did.

And then tonight, I got this text and...and I should've ignored it.

But instead, I went rushing round to see him...

..and I made such an idiot of myself.

And I didn't even like him that way anyway, yeah.

And now, I've been rejected by a man I don't even like. How sad is that?

Are you comforting me, or what?!

Rox, so you got a knockback. So what, sweetheart?

No big deal.

There's a million and one fellas out there that would love to meet

the East End's most lovable unnatural blonde. Eh?

SHE LAUGHS

It's not just that. It's, like, when I was in Ibiza, I was,

like, the original party girl and I loved it.

I really did.

And now, it's like I'm the only one who's trying to be naughty,

I'm the only one who's trying to keep up the party.

And everyone's just gone home.

Then let 'em go home. You stay at the party!

With who?! With who? Christian's all loved up, Ronnie's...

and those lot, they are not, they are not my mates.

Excuse me, sister? What am I, chopped liver or something?

You can be Cinderella, I'll be your prince. I can take you to the ball, can't I?

What a pair we are?!

OK, come on, then - how much did you lose?

Oh, don't. Just...well...

Well, enough to keep Phil and the taxman on my back.

You worried?

No, no, I'll tell you why. Because I have a plan.

See, now I'm not worried. I wasn't worried.

Because you may be old, but you are the magnificent Alfie Moon,

and you always come up trumps. You do.

And you are the lovely Roxy Mitchell. And I promise you, sweetheart,

you may think you'll never meet the right bloke but I promise you will.

And when you do - you'll know all about it.

And you will live happily ever after.

I do love you, Granddad, you know that, don't you?

Oi. Stop with the blubbing, you'll make your mascara run.

And mine as well. Come here.

Come here, you can't go home looking like that with your panda eyes.

Look at me. Clean 'em up like that. There we go.

Listen, you're going to be fine, all right?

Yeah. But I do mean it. I love you.

You're always on my side, aren't you?

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd