01/05/2012 EastEnders

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

RINGING CONTINUES

RINGING STOPS

-Ian?

-Here.

-Have you been up all night?

-No...

I woke up a couple of times and you were gone.

No, I just got up early, wanted to make a head start.

Just got to finish off this email to the accountant.

He keeps asking me to pop in. I'm sure he's just saving on stamps.

-Who's in the cafe, hun?

-Lucy.

I've got to boot her out in a minute. She's got to do some revision.

-Ian?

-Yeah?

What do you think about a cruise for our honeymoon?

Look. Far East, Singapore. I mean, it'd be some trip.

-Yeah. Bit expensive, though.

-Well, it'd be worth it.

-Don't you think we're jumping the gun? We haven't set a date yet.

-MOBILE RINGS

Hello?

Yeah, speaking.

What?! No, hold on a minute.

If this has got anything to do with Janine Butcher,

there was absolutely nothing wrong with that omelette! It...

What, an inspection today?

Yeah, I'm sure you did write to me about it.

Hold on. Let me just check the diary. Hold on.

Yes, yes, you did.

Is there any way we could do it perhaps after lunch?

Around five?

Yeah, that'd be great. I'll see them there. Bye.

Oh, I completely forgot!

Be all right, won't it? I mean, you only deep cleaned everything when you got it off Shirley.

That was two weeks ago! Mandy, I want everything to be right. OK?

Marie's off sick with a tummy bug.

-That's not exactly a good advert, is it?

-Well, I can do another shift.

Huh! I want to pass the inspection.

See ya.

Ooh!

It's a pleasure doing business with you.

Wonderful! Ciao!

That was Gormley Manor.

And I've got us a discount on the reception.

Clever girl.

I've come to get my wages.

Oh, and the vacuum cleaner broke, but that's not my fault.

So I've done four hours.

Well, I don't think it quite works like that. Do you, Michael?

No, I don't. Some professions are notorious for their grey areas.

The arts, for example, it's a lot of disagreement.

Science is another one. It's very hard to be definitive about it.

Cleaning, though...

that's one job that it is pretty easy to be definite about.

I think what Janine is driving at, Lauren,

is that it's irrelevant how long

you spent NOT cleaning her house.

-Beautifully put.

-Thank you.

My uncle Derek was right about you. You are such a ponce.

Oh, and you can stick your job.

She really sunk your ship, didn't she?

Name calling is very childish.

So Gormley Manor - don't let me forget.

-I need to pay them tomorrow.

-I'll take care of that.

What, as well as the wedding cars?

Yeah, I want to be hands on. I'll take care of that, it's fine.

OK, OK.

Well, it needs to be paid in cash by tomorrow.

Three and a half grand.

Yeah? That's a lot of money.

Well, how else do you think I negotiated the discount?

-Can you cover it?

-Yes.

And Charlie Cheddar said to Barry Brie and Stanley Stilton,

he said, "You might be posher than me,

"but you smell and you've got blue veins!"

-The end. High-five.

-ALFIE LAUGHS

You're a nutter!

-Told you he could make up a story about anything.

-Yes, I can!

How many nights is Amy staying?

Well, we ain't worked it out just yet.

Will Kat mind?

No, course Kat won't mind! We need all the help we can get. Get breakfast before school.

Have some toast and I insist you put as much chocolate spread on it as possible.

-Go, go, go!

-And you, young lady, are going to nursery now. Say bye-bye!

ALL: Bye!

-See you later.

-Bye, darling.

Alfie, we can't afford guests. We're not making any money.

Let me show you something.

Right, now...

Got a few quid here from savings of a sort, OK?

I want you to pay some bills, knock yourself out. Carte blanche, all right?

-Me?

-Yes, you! You're my financial mastermind, ain't you?

-Don't be daft!

I need you to spend every penny on the Vic, all right?

What's the date today? First of May.

First day of summer.

You know what that means? Barbecue!

Yes, we'll have a barbecue in the Square.

-Invite everybody. We'll clean up.

-Like we did on St George's Day?

Exactly! See? I'll take that, you take that.

Speculate to accumulate.

Good girl. Right, I need lots of buns, sausages. Oh, I need onions. Onions!

-Oh, Ray!

-Come on, babe. I got to go see Morgan before work.

SHE SIGHS

-Look, he needs me.

-Yeah, well, I need you.

Yeah?

Yeah! Got a delivery, innit? Special surprise, designed by moi!

-But you heard the doctor, yeah?

-Yeah.

-No heavy lifting.

Don't make me remind you why.

Yes, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!

HE CHUCKLES

ENGINE TURNS OVER

-Come on!

-Lola, stop! Wait, wait, wait.

BILLY PANTS

What if I get a stitch when I'm carrying the torch?

Well, it weren't that bad.

You're joking, ain't you? I made you stop twice

and you're nearly seven months pregnant!

-I'll have to up it to another mile a day.

-You'll do yourself in like that.

That old alkie that keeled over outside the tube last night?

She was about your age.

Hey, behave yourself. Not ready for the knackers' yard just yet.

Listen, I'm going to the cafe. D'you want anything?

Nah. Got any money?

-Probably got a fiver I can lend you.

-Got a few grand?

-You serious?

-Yeah.

-What about your mate's money?

Oh, Janine. You know. She's high maintenance.

Well, the most you're going to get out of me is a cup of tea,

-and you'll be lucky to get that.

-The best man thing - I've been thinking.

I don't know about you but I'm relieved.

I couldn't get my head around someone making a speech about me.

Do you know what I mean? Inarticulate people,

no offence, but they shouldn't be made to speak publicly.

All those lame jokes.

You know what I mean! Don't take it the wrong way.

Michael, you are the control freak's control freak.

-Have you got any plastic wallets?

-Used to.

Oh, yeah, you'll find them up...

This can't be your entire stock! Four?

Four's no good to anybody!

Can't you go and look out the back and see if you've got any more?

No, no, darling, I doubt it. That's a quid.

-25p each.

-Bit steep, ain't it?

What's it to you? They're 25p. Each.

You know, it doesn't matter. I'll use elastic bands or something!

-Busy day?

-Yes, what do you think?

This always happens to me.

Cars, they just don't like me very much.

Ain't just cars, though, is it?

Look, I've got to get into town. I've got to sort something for Ian.

-It's kind of a surprise.

-Why don't you get a bus?

I don't do buses.

Phil?

You was an alkie, weren't ya?

-You trying to wind me up or something?

-No.

No, no. It's just...

Well, it's my mum, ain't it?

She's really bad and I'm trying to work out whether I should go and see her.

I mean, I don't want to. And if I did, Ian would kill me. But...

Well, the thing about booze is the older you get,

the harder it hits you.

So you would want Ben there if it was you?

HE SIGHS

Next time, try putting petrol in it.

Has Dave given you a completion date yet?

Listen, Zee, you can't get attached to what they say.

That way madness lies.

With builders, you've got to be philosophical.

And I'm bleedin' Aristotle, me!

Yeah, but don't you think it's important to have some kind of estimate?

What do you want? Do you want me to tell you fairytales, is that it?

Dave said he'll be done in a couple a months. Tops.

I wouldn't count your chickens. That's just for starters.

If this keeps up, there'll be a petition. I love a petition.

See, most people don't appreciate Radio 1 every waking hour.

Funny that(!) Here's something else that'll make you laugh.

In residential areas,

all noise-related work

must be between 8am and 6pm.

Not 10pm, like last night.

Oh, here it is.

Violators face fines, prosecution,

-or closure of site.

-Cora!

Listen, I apologise, and from now on,

we will be as good as gold.

-Ian, toast!

-Oh!

-FIRE ALARM BEEPS

Sorry, everyone. Extractor's on the blink. Can you get them out?

Do us a favour - someone open the door!

Here, Lauren, fancy a job?

Oh, Alfie. It's imperative that this door stays shut at all times.

One stray gust of wind at the wrong moment

and it could jeopardise everything. If one of those kids steps foot...

Oh, perish the thought!

# Club Tropicana, drinks are free! #

Ooh! We'll have to get you to do the bins indoors, Lauren.

Yeah, we got more of a one big general bin vibe but...

-Yeah, yeah. It's good fun, though.

-Good times, good times.

All right, Ian? Cup of tea, please.

-Yeah, be a minute.

-All right, Lauren?

Thought you were cleaning for Janine? What happened? She sack you?

Call your mum. She's been leaving messages.

-I've no credit.

-Well, top it up.

Do you think I'd be on my knees in this greasy hellhole

-if I weren't trying to do that?

-Excuse me!

How long you going to keep this up?

Just cos your mum's scan was all clear don't mean she don't need you.

How much longer?

Sorry. Two bacon butties, yeah?

I'm Muslim, Ian!

No, it's a tuna sandwich and an omelette.

It's been ten minutes we've been waiting here.

Sorry.

Oh, right, yes. I bet you had a hand in this, didn't you?

Outsmarted by a woman! Gets right up your nose, don't it?

Do I look that bothered, Denise?

Well, your little sabotage didn't come off

cos I've already promised Cora no more nasty surprises.

You obviously ain't seen your sister, then.

Can I get a cup of tea, please? Thank you.

Alfie? Big international event on your doorstep today.

Well, tonight. And that is where everything will be revealed.

Sweetheart, we're doing a big community barbecue.

-You know, we're going to kick off the summer.

-But we're doing a barbecue!

OK, but listen, can you just hold off on yours, yeah?

No can do, babes. I've just booked a special guest.

I don't want to give too much away, but you know, let's just say Olympic!

-Ooh, nice.

-Hmm.

Alfie, it's going to be all right.

Yeah, yeah. Course it is. Fine.

Sorry. Was it...?

I just gave, like, a homeless person £10. A tramp!

Well, good on you, sweetheart.

No, no, it's not good. I don't think...

What if...?

Rosemary's Baby in reverse.

Oh, I need a loo.

Alfie, is there any Tabasco upstairs, mate? We ran out.

Yes. Whoa, hold on.

If you're going up, don't go into lounge,

Your life will not be worth living. Jean's doing the books, all right?

Ah. Say no more.

Yeah? Jeanie upstairs doing the money? Really?

Listen, mate, I trust her more than I trust myself.

She knows what she's doing, just gets on with it. So behave, all right?

All right, all right.

POUNDING MUSIC

How am I supposed to revise?

VOLUME DECREASES

VOLUME INCREASES

What? I turned it down!

MOBILE RINGS

Hello? Nails?

Hello, Mandy's phone?

MUSIC STOPS

-Hospital. Sounds important.

-Um, yeah. I know what that is.

Will you just tell them I'll call them back?

She's too vain to come to the phone right now.

OK.

Smear test.

Too much information.

I asked you to empty this!

Well, it split. I can't do it on my own, can I?

Are you trying to get me closed down?

-He'll be here in a minute.

-How do you know it's a he?

Why tell you when they're coming?

I mean, what's the point of that? If it was me, you wouldn't know.

Well, fortunately it's not you, is it?

No, seriously, surely the whole point is to inspect what is here, like, normally,

like on a normal day.

I'm going to give you one last chance to change the subject and then that's it.

All I'm saying is if this is unhealthy, wouldn't you want to know? I mean, I would.

Right, that's it. Just do me a favour and just go.

-OK? You're sacked.

-What?

-If you think I'm paying you, you can think again. Just go.

-Oh, right. Well...

in that case...

-Lauren!

-SHE LAUGHS

Oopsie(!)

Surely there's got to be some sort of stipulation

for a mad employee. I mean, you saw what she did.

-I know you're the inspector and you've got a job to do, but...

-Mr Beale, I'm not an inspector.

I work for your accountant.

Oh, I could kiss you!

It's not good news, I'm afraid. We urgently need to speak to you.

No! Get out! Can't you read the sign?

Where? Must have fallen off.

Are you a serial killer?

You're trampling on April!

-Got you a present.

-Oh. Thanks.

-SHE MUTTERS

Got you another present.

First return on your investment.

500 quid.

Already?

Like magic!

Credit to you, Jean. It's a good scheme, to be fair.

The boys get an opportunity, we get to make money.

Like shooting fish in a barrel. Sorry.

-Really?

-Mm, yeah.

Wouldn't mention anything to Alfie, though.

Just saw him coming out the toilet, his eyes all red and everything.

-Crying?

-Mm.

-It was a bit embarrassing, to be honest.

-He seemed perfectly all right earlier.

That's him all over, though, ain't it?

Everybody's friend. Do anything for anybody.

Sending all that money over to Charlie,

looking after everybody else's children.

Takes in waifs like Roxy.

I'm a Moon, though, you see. He can't keep it up for long.

To the untrained eye...

I mean, who's going to know he's at the end of his tether? Poor geezer.

If only someone would come and ride to his rescue.

We could...um...

..we could reinvest my £500.

-For Alfie.

-Yeah.

It's a nice thought, but he'd never accept it.

He'd think we were insulting him, rubbing his nose in it.

And even if he did, it wouldn't mean anything.

It'd be a gesture, not a solution. Oh, sorry.

Oh, for goodness' sake!

It's a shame you've invested all your money, actually.

Mmm-hmm.

What if...

Alfie had some money to invest?

But he hasn't, has he?

But what if he had?

Well, if he had, how much are you talking about?

Quite a bit. Enough to pay the bills for a few months.

Could work.

Couldn't it?

Don't know, Jean.

Never mind. Got to be careful.

There must be something I can do.

I mean, I can't bear to think of Alfie crying.

I have got a mate on the other side of London.

He's got a gym, like me. Wants to upgrade his facilities.

Get more boys in and give 'em a chance. What's that scheme called?

It's called In Your Corner. That's it, In Your Corner. But...

you have to invest big, you see, to make a killing.

Like shooting fish in a barrel. That's what you said.

Yeah, I know what I said. But it's... You've got to really risk...

You have to invest really, really big. I wouldn't feel comfortable if I lost it.

It's not a game, Jean, now, you see. It's not guaranteed.

As a favour for me? A one-off?

Look, let me get all this finished and I could meet you later.

I should be done by about six.

-I could see you in the cafe?

-I don't feel very comfortable, Jean.

Look, you and me, Michael, we'll ride to the rescue.

Let me get all this sorted and I'll see you in the cafe about 6:30.

Lovely, that's it. There you go, fellas. Thank you so much.

Well, everybody, thank you each and every one of you for coming

out here as a community on this wonderful, wonderful evening.

Cheers, everybody!

You want to make your way over to Raymundo for a little bit of nosebag.

Yes, come on. Follow me. Let's go. Come on, kids.

-This how you're paying the rent now, Alfie?

-Free burger for Phil, eh, Ray?

Seriously, I thought I was an expert on berks.

I mean, look at my dad.

But I've got to admit, in comparison he actually seems all right.

Lauren-licious, all right?

See Beale? Beale's on a whole other level, OK?

He's like the Jedi Master of berks.

Yeah. Super-berk.

You see?

-All right, Lauren. Sort out some credit?

-No.

Heard you got the sack from Ian.

Twice in one day, eh? You should put in for Record Breakers.

Well, I'm glad you find that amusing.

How much is it? For your phone?

No! No, Dad. No.

Lauren, you've made your point all right? We get it, me and your mum.

You're your own person. Will you just come home, please?

I take back what I just said.

He is the king of berks.

Er, Michael?

Gormley Manor have just called, and they haven't received anything.

Oh, all right. I'll go now.

-I really don't want to lose it.

-You won't. You won't lose it. I promise.

My word counts.

Here's a breakdown of your spending from 2010-11.

And here's this year's.

You need a new calculator.

Be with you in a minute, Jean.

Oh, don't worry. I'm just waiting for someone. You carry on.

I don't think you realise how precarious a position you're in, Mr Beale.

You're spending it quicker than we can count it.

-Just move some stuff around.

-There's nothing left to move.

The divorce made a big dent, obviously.

Your businesses aren't bringing in what they were.

On reflection, re-mortgaging the house to buy this place was a massive gamble.

All right. I get the point.

Your spending is out of control. It must stop.

Immediately.

Or you'll lose the house, your businesses,

everything.

Yeah, I do.

I think we're going to make a good team, you and me. Eh?

-You, me and Ray.

-Of course.

I think we're going to make a mint, sweetheart.

Tasty stuff right here.

Haven't seen Kim about?

-She's promised everyone this big surprise.

-And a special guest.

-I heard it was Fatima Whitbread.

-No?

-MICROPHONE FEEDBACK

-One, two, one, two.

Hi! Hello! There's free drink for everybody over here!

-Free food and drink!

-What, free-ness? Free-ness!

-Where you going?

-I don't want to lose another finger, mate.

Hold on a second, everyone, where you going?

Hello, hello, hello! Come on, free drink over here!

Help yourself, help yourself. Hello, my love. There's enough to go around.

Dear me. Deadly in here, innit?

You want to get over to the barbie, Ian. It's banged out.

Sorry I'm late.

Is that it?

Can I have a look?

What's the matter?

I can't. You're right. It's too big a risk.

I'm sorry for wasting your time. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

-Hello, hello!

-Hey!

CHEERING

People...people of Walford.

Now the B&B ain't opened yet,

but we thought we'd give a little soupcon of what's to come.

-CROWD: Ooh!

-Oooh, la-la!

-Merci beaucoup.

LAUGHTER

Now, with the help of a very special guest...

-Come on, Fatima, come on, babe!

-Who is it?

They've put aside their very busy training schedule

to be here tonight.

-Please welcome Olympian...

-Come on, Fatima!

..athlete, torchbearer...

Come on, girl!

..Billy Mitchell!

SCATTERED CHEERING What do you mean, man?

-That's my Pops. That's my Pops.

-Where's Fatima?

I was going to get her to sign my thing. You know, "To Fats from Fats," man!

You're having a laugh, ain't ya?

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

Yay(!)

I just want to say, as your Olympic representative,

-LAUGHTER

-..what a truly great honour it is to be here in Walford.

Oi, Billy. Billy, you're from here, mate. LAUGHTER

It's nice to see so many of you out...

I'd be indoors if I knew it was you!

LAUGHTER

So from the ashes...

like the fabled Kleenex...

Phoenix, you fool!

LAUGHTER

..without further do-do...

..I give you a new palace for a new era.

God bless her and all who sail in her.

Billy? Three, two, one...

CHEERING

Sweet mother of...

I like it.

'You all right, babe?'

How was the inspection? Five stars, was it?

It's been a long day, all right?

Listen, we need to talk.

It's Mum.

Didn't I make myself clear?

Yeah, but she's in hospital, Ian. I think it's really serious.

Great! It's one less thing to worry about!

Mand, I'm sorry.

I didn't mean it like that.

Yeah.

Yes, you did.

Do you know what I done today?

I got on a bus.

Yeah, me. I hate buses.

But I got on one, all the way into town

to this gorgeous little hotel.

Do you want to know why, Ian?

To book a date for our wedding.

15th of September, for what it's worth.

But if you feel like that...

Mand! Mand, no, no.

Look, the cruise, OK?

I've been thinking about it today and you're absolutely right.

It really is. Look, you're an amazing woman.

You deserve an amazing honeymoon.

OK?

Nothing's too much for you.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd