03/05/2012 EastEnders


03/05/2012

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Transcript


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-We've got some samples from the caterers coming this afternoon.

-OK.

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Only I can't even try them, cos they're shellfish and soft cheese.

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That's a killer. Listeria, innit?

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PHONE RINGS

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What does she want? It's the events organiser from Gormley Manor.

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OK, I'll...

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Janine Butcher.

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Sorry? No, I think that was paid for yesterday.

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-I don't know. When did you pay for...?

-Why don't you let me tell her?

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Hello, it's Michael Moon.

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Erm, well, you need to speak to your staff occasionally,

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because I paid yesterday. I spoke to a woman. Some woman...

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Michael, what?

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It's fine, it's fine. On the desk. On the reception.

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Yeah, do that. In future don't ring my fiancee,

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cos I'm dealing with this. Yes, me. Thank you very much.

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So fierce! I love it when you're angry.

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Unbelievable. The ineptitude.

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They're going to sort it out, aren't they? We won't lose our reception?

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Yeah, it'll be fine, it'll be fine.

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I'll call them later, belts and braces, you know.

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That looks like a nice healthy breakfast.

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What's it got to do with you?

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We've got a kitchen full of good stuff - fruit, cereals.

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Nope, I'd rather have a mouldy crust in the gutter, thanks.

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Yeah, I can see that.

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Premium State Room!

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-With our own balcony!

-Yeah.

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Can you imagine just waking up in the morning

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and all you can see is blue sea and sky?

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-Boring.

-Yeah, you're not coming with us, are you?

-THEY CHUCKLE

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Once you've got him on the bus can you take over here?

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-Well, Lucy's getting up...

-She's got revision to do.

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I've got things to do, too.

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-Nothing that can't wait. I promise you, it won't always be like this.

-Better not be.

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For better or worse - I'm looking forward to some of the "better".

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It's just around the corner. Have a good day at school, mate.

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-Come on, squirt.

-See you.

-Hiya. You all right?

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-Coffee to go, please?

-Yeah, sure. Get a load of that.

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Oh, yeah, yeah, I'd go for that.

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Have to win the lottery first, though, wouldn't you?

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Have a chat with Max. It's not as pricey as you think.

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That's how they tempt you in, isn't it? Once they've got you...

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-Look - "West End On Water".

-West End prices as well, you see.

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Once you've paid for your spa treatments, your entertainment,

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all those designer shops.

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-You step out your cabin, that's 100 quid gone.

-No, it's all inclusive.

-Yeah, all right.

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Make sure you top up your credit card before you go.

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Argh! Oh!

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-You gave me a shock!

-Sorry - just dropping these off.

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The business plan and spreadsheets, all the bumph.

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I thought I explained.

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Oh, I know, but selfish consideration, Jean - personal to me.

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I need you to understand what it is

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you're turning down.

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I don't want you coming crying on my shoulder when the money starts rolling in.

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Um...

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I know what, let's have lunch. Let's have a proper business lunch.

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On expenses.

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"Let's do lunch!" That's what they say, isn't it?

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Do they?

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Um...

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Well, um, if you're sure...

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Oh, I'm very sure.

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Let me take those, stop you lugging them about, cumbersome things.

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Good - one o'clock? Argee Bhajee? Yeah?

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Right.

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-All right, sloths.

-Oh, nice one. Stick the kettle on, babe.

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What, so I do the shopping and now I make the tea?

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Girl power, man. You go, girl!

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-No. I don't think so.

-Actually, two sugars for me as well, please.

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No! I said I don't think so!

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Oh, ignore the children.

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Did you get any bread?

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I am sick of buying stuff for you lot.

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I told you not to take the mickey. She's not here to clean up after you.

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Thank you, Anthony. See, at least someone round here is grown up.

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-Oh. "Thanks, Anthony. You're so wonderful, Anthony."

-Shut up.

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And how come no-one's taken the rubbish out AGAIN?

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She forgot, mate. You know, it happens.

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-No biggie.

-Me? Why me? OK, listen to me.

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Listen to me, I'm going to make a rota.

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Who does what when.

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-Caff?

-Yeah, backing that one, brother.

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OK, but seriously I'm not doing anything else for you lot.

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I am going on strike!

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You're offering it as an all-inclusive holiday, right?

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An all-inclusive cruise, is that correct, yeah?

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Right, what about spa treatments, and the on-shore excursions?

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You see - that's it. That's where you've misled me, OK?

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Now, I could take you to court for this, and don't think I won't!

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Sorry. Sorry, I'm coming, I'm coming!

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Bobby forgot his reading book, I had to go back for it.

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It's OK. Look, I've got to go.

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-I'll be back about six, yeah?

-Right, OK. See you.

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Kiss?

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# Happy birthday to you

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# Happy birthday, dear Pops

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# Happy birthday to you! #

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Blow it out, then. Go on.

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-So, what are you doing today?

-Well, let's see -

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working,

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and then working...

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What's the other thing?

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Oh, yeah, that's it - working!

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And having tea with me and your kids.

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-You what?

-Yeah, all arranged. Birthday tea at Honey's.

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-No, we're not.

-Yeah, we are.

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We've got to take everything for the party, so you better go shopping.

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What with? You know I've got to give Janine the money that I owe her.

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Yeah, but party time first, though?

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Luce...

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Ee-ee.

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I'm really sorry to disturb your revision and that, but...well...

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it's only me serving and I've got an appointment at the health centre.

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Change it.

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OK.

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Right, I'll be honest with you.

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It's, uh... This is difficult.

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It's my mum.

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She's in hospital. They won't tell me anything. Not on the phone.

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So?

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I'm all she's got.

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Please.

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-When?

-This afternoon?

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You owe me.

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-I can't ask you to do that.

-You haven't - I've offered.

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They may be your grandchildren, but they're my family, too.

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Let me pay up all the final demands, give you a bit of a breather.

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And no strings?

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How could you even ask?

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-And you still don't want to move in?

-No, I don't.

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If it was just up to me it'd be OK, but you know what the kids...

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I don't want nothing in return.

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-Yeah?

-Just let me do this one thing for you, for once.

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I don't know what to say.

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You could start by saying...

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.."How about another whisky, big brother?"

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How about another whisky, big brother?

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Don't mind if I do.

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All I've got to do is talk to her, I get the Lauren death stare.

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It's not really what you say, it's the way you say it.

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What should I do, a little mime? Please...

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That's the other thing, you're always taking the mick. Stop it!

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I'm her dad. That's my job, innit.

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Anthony, do you know if Lauren's in?

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Yeah, she is. She loves a strop, don't she, that girl?

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Why, you been upsetting her?

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Well, no. She just likes getting upset all by herself, don't she? Like it's her special talent.

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See.

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I might pop in in a bit, take her a little peace offering.

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So Lola's promised Janet helium balloons, sparklers, the lot.

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Tell you what...happy birthday.

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-I can't take that.

-Alfie, you're such a big softie!

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Come on, he puts enough behind the till. It's for the kids. Take it.

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-You're a good man, Alf.

-He is.

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PHONE RINGS

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Same again in there for Derek, please.

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-All right, darling.

-Hello. Hello, darling.

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Bianca?

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Oh, it's cut off.

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Look who it is!

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-We thought you was never coming back.

-Brother Billy!

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A rum on the house then, Paddy.

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-Give him one from me as well. One from me, too.

-Man, it's so good to be back, you know.

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Oh, right!

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Oh, no, no, no. I've got to work this afternoon.

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You'll be all right. Go on.

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Ready?

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This is what we've applied for.

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Yeah?

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-These are the funding bodies.

-Right.

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And these are the dates when the money will be released to us.

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Gosh.

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-Putting in a lot, aren't they?

-They've got faith in us. And we're going to use that faith,

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you know, to get more kids... and that's going to get us more money...everyone's going to happy.

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I thought it was to help the community?

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Yeah, it is! Yeah, cos they're going to get free membership, free kit.

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This is really important, cos this is the funding that's going

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to come from the government and the council.

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So have a good read of that.

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It's all a bit over my head.

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Yeah, I'm the same. What about this, then?

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These are the other funding sponsors.

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All the great and the good are there, you know.

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Right.

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Oh, I know him - he does that chat show, doesn't he?

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Yeah, yeah, that's him. Yeah.

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-It's such a lot of money.

-It's a guaranteed return, Jean.

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It's a guaranteed return, and how often can you say that

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in this current climate of austerity? Investments collapsing everywhere.

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Oh, dear.

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Apart from this one!

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Cos In Your Corner is a sure thing.

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I need to think about it.

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Yeah, yeah.

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I don't think I can. I'd like to. I'd really like to.

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But....it's just too big a risk.

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I understand.

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He worries about you, that's all. We all do.

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I mean, chocolate for breakfast!

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Does no-one ever clean this place?

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It's not your problem, Mum. Anyway I've got stuff to do.

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Oh, right. Like what, recycling?

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-No, actually a job interview, if you must know!

-Oh, lovely.

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What's that for, then?

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Why would I tell you?

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Do you always have to be so angry?

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We just want you home so that we can look after you.

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Yeah, you say that now, but you'd soon be kicking off and moaning.

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We'll try not to.

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We'll try really hard.

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I'm fine where I am, Mum.

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Right. Well, you know how we feel.

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So, when you're ready,

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any time...

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..come home.

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And eat some fruit.

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You all right, Mum? How you feeling?

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I told them, I didn't want you here.

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-They said you've been in terrible pain.

-Well, they got that bit right.

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-What you after?

-Nothing.

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I've just come to keep you company, that's all.

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When I'm that desperate, I'll get them to pull the plug.

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Well, you see, my heart went out to them children.

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I mean, I can see Carol's point of view,

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what with all the inoculations, the neutering. They don't come cheap.

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Well then, you don't want the bother of it, do you, Dorothy?

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I did it for Bianca, really, you know,

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and so the children could come and see him.

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-But I could do without it.

-Let me take it off your hands, then.

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What about the children - what am I going to say to them?

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You won't have to say anything to them.

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It'll be waiting for them when they come home from school.

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-I'll take care of all the food and all the bits.

-Derek, you're full of surprises!

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May God bless you for your goodness of heart.

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Now, I'll just go and finish cleaning his litter tray, you know, cos he's got a bit of a runny tummy.

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Look at you, sorting my life out, eh.

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Yes. Every Alfie needs a little Jean.

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Just working my way through.

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-Got a kind of nice balance to it though, eh? Bad money doin' good.

-How's it bad?

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-Well, no, no, I don't mean bad. I just mean - a little bit Derek, that's all.

-Derek?

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Yeah, I know it's a bit naughty, but desperate times call for desperate measures.

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-And are you?

-Am I what?

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-Desperate?

-Desperate Dan's got nothing on me, sweetheart.

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No, I'm joking. Of course, I'm just winding you up.

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Don't worry your pretty little head. You're doing a great job, darling. Thanks, sweetheart.

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Does he know you're here, then, sad sack?

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Ian? Yeah, course, he said I could come.

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Why? Does he think I'm going to leave him some money or something?

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I'm not a hopeless case yet.

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Course not.

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But I am ill, Mand.

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Proper ill this time. It ain't just the drink.

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Yeah, I know, the nurse said.

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They say it's one of the worst pains you can have, pancreatitis.

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I woke up in the middle of the night and I was crying.

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Mum, I'm so sorry. I should have been here.

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They gave me an injection straight away.

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Good. That's good.

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Mum, I just...

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I just wish, like, we could be like other mums and daughters, you know.

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Hugs and stuff.

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We are what we are.

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Have to make the most of it.

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Seafood, shellfish, gateaux, everything. And it has all got to be eaten today.

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-I don't feel very well. So, can you get someone else to do it?

-Yeah.

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You can tell Carol that I offered to fill the whole tribe and you turned me down.

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Look, there's caviar, custard, or should I say creme anglaise?

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Hi, sexy. Hey, you should be at the tasting, too.

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It is your wedding as well.

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No, you're all right.

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Just make sure you keep this evening clear, please.

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-Why?

-We're going to Gormley Manor, try and sort out the confusion.

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-There's no need. I've taken care of it.

-I'd like to make sure, sort it face-to-face.

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Why? I've just done it.

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Right, Joey's your cat now, OK?

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So it's down to you two to look after him.

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-We will.

-Good.

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Come on, let's see if he's hungry.

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I love you, Uncle Derek.

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I love you, too, mate.

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Go on.

0:16:450:16:47

-What?

-I don't hate you no more.

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We've got a rotten little box room, too much noise,

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terrible food, a cat with a dodgy tummy, too many kids

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and you'll never get in the bathroom.

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you still interested?

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Sounds all right to me.

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-You sure?

-I'm sure.

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If I could find a lease, would that be security?

0:17:200:17:23

OK, how about a car? A car?

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Could I raise a loan against...?

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No, you're advertising loans for unemployed - right.

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-Not self-employed!

-Oi.

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You got a problem?

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No. No. Nothing I can't handle.

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What do you think?

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It's nice. I tell you what, if I was doing the interview, I'd make you manager.

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Ah, thank you!

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All right?

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-All right. Oi, Lauren's got an interview.

-Nice one.

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Yeah! It's at the bike shop. I spent my last £5 on this top.

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-DOOR OPENS

-Watch out, watch out!

-What you doing?

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Bruv, bruv, I'm in the den!

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-No, no...

-Bruv, bruv!

-Outside!

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What are you doing?!

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What are you DOING?!

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You stupid, immature idiot!

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Oops.

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Not funny.

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You know what, the wet look's good on you. I'm just saying,

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-Lauren, it looks nice.

-Shut up. Go! Go!

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Salmon and dill?

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What's the verdict?

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Hang on.

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-Are we taking some of this for Mum tomorrow?

-No.

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They get a bit funny, don't they? Sometimes...

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-Um, so salmon and dill? Come on.

-Is that what Joey's eating?

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Oh, great. This is brilliant.

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How about the...mini-Caesar salad things?

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What about that? What did you have, Whit?

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It's going well so far.

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Oh, look. Joey likes the black fishy stuff.

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-Caviar! Get that thing off my caviar!

-No, no!

0:18:580:19:01

Why don't you scurry back to him?

0:19:070:19:09

That shabby little man obviously means more to you than I do.

0:19:090:19:12

Let's not start all this again, eh, Mum?

0:19:120:19:14

I almost feel sorry for him, you know.

0:19:140:19:17

When you going to walk out on this one, eh? When he's broke,

0:19:180:19:21

or when the scales fall from his eyes

0:19:210:19:23

and he sees you for who you really are?

0:19:230:19:26

It's not going to happen, Mum.

0:19:270:19:28

This time it's for keeps.

0:19:300:19:31

And I'm going to do everything I can to make it work.

0:19:310:19:35

-So, um...

-So what?

0:19:360:19:39

So now you're on the mend...

0:19:390:19:41

-Who says I am?

-You're looking much better, Mum. The doctors are taking good care of you.

0:19:410:19:45

..you don't really need me.

0:19:470:19:49

You're turning your back on me again, ain't ya? I can't believe it.

0:19:490:19:52

I can't risk losing Ian!

0:19:520:19:55

I'm going, Mum.

0:19:560:19:58

Good. Go on, get out of here. I'm sick of the sight of you!

0:19:580:20:01

I'll phone, all right.

0:20:010:20:03

Don't bother. I don't want you.

0:20:030:20:05

I've never even liked you.

0:20:060:20:08

All right, Mum, if that's how it is.

0:20:100:20:12

You know, even when you was a sweet little toddler, I didn't like you.

0:20:120:20:16

I remember the first time they put you in my arms,

0:20:170:20:21

I didn't feel no love for you.

0:20:210:20:23

Unlovable.

0:20:240:20:25

I look at you...

0:20:270:20:29

..and I just can't love you.

0:20:300:20:32

See, when you go looking for romance, things go wrong,

0:20:580:21:03

then all of a sudden a nice romantic evening just creeps up on you.

0:21:030:21:07

Oh! Right, well you put the telly on, I'll get the wine.

0:21:070:21:10

-Few nibbles.

-And some nibbles. Are these the nibbles?

0:21:100:21:13

BANGING ON DOOR Mum! Let me in. I'm soaking!

0:21:130:21:17

It's not raining, is it?

0:21:170:21:19

If you laugh, then I go straight back.

0:21:230:21:26

Nobody's laughing at you. We're not laughing, are we?

0:21:290:21:31

What's happened?

0:21:310:21:33

They sprayed me with beer, Mum.

0:21:330:21:36

They was all laughing like hyenas.

0:21:360:21:38

I'm going to kill them.

0:21:380:21:40

Yeah, course you are, darling. Run her a bath.

0:21:400:21:42

-I'm not running her a bath, she can run her own bath.

-Max!

0:21:420:21:45

I had an interview at the bike shop and look at me!

0:21:450:21:48

Oh, darling. Want a damp little hug? Shall we have a damp little hug?

0:21:480:21:51

-Come here.

-Oh, great. Now two of you smell like a brewery.

0:21:510:21:55

I wondered how long it would take - Dad's first moan.

0:21:560:21:59

You are a bit smelly.

0:22:010:22:03

I know.

0:22:030:22:04

-Eating again are you, Jack? Three nights on the bounce?

-Steak and chips, please.

0:22:040:22:08

Yeah, well, if I make anything at home and Derek's there, he's on my shoulder like a gannet.

0:22:080:22:12

All right?

0:22:120:22:14

-See what I mean?

-What?

0:22:140:22:16

You see this bag?

0:22:160:22:18

I, little brother, am moving out

0:22:180:22:21

to someone who appreciates a tidy house guest.

0:22:210:22:24

Oh, yeah? Who'd be daft enough to take you on?

0:22:240:22:26

-Happy birthday, Pops.

-Thank you.

0:22:260:22:28

The Mitchells, see? All right, birthday boy, what you ever achieved in life?

0:22:290:22:33

Enough.

0:22:330:22:34

Here I am having a nice drink with my lovely granddaughter,

0:22:340:22:37

having been to a party with Honey and my kids.

0:22:370:22:40

Whereas you...you've got a face that could curdle beer.

0:22:400:22:43

LAUGHTER

0:22:430:22:45

I might not own anything, Beale, but I don't owe nothing neither.

0:22:460:22:50

I'm a very happy man.

0:22:500:22:52

So, if anyone's a loser round here, it is you, sunshine.

0:22:520:22:55

Ah, Paddy, I bet you've missed this banter in the pub, ain't you?

0:22:550:22:59

No. I miss my two ladies, though.

0:22:590:23:02

To Pat and Heather.

0:23:020:23:04

God rest their souls.

0:23:040:23:06

Let's all talk about death and dying, shall we?

0:23:060:23:09

All the fun of a mortuary. At least I try and enjoy my life!

0:23:090:23:12

-Try one.

-No, will you stop now? I don't want to taste anything.

0:23:150:23:18

Don't give it to her if she doesn't feel very well.

0:23:180:23:21

Oh. Joey's been sick on the remote.

0:23:210:23:23

Oh, no!

0:23:230:23:25

Oh, welcome to the chaos!

0:23:250:23:27

-What's he doing here?

-Whit!

0:23:270:23:29

-What's that smell?

-That's cat sick.

0:23:290:23:31

And caviar. Gran said it's 40 quid a lick.

0:23:310:23:34

That's it. I'm packing up. Whitney, can you please pass me that box?

0:23:340:23:37

And careful. Don't knock the crispy crab parcels!

0:23:390:23:43

You all right, Whitney.

0:23:430:23:45

-What's wrong?

-Whitney!

0:23:450:23:47

-You like pushing it, don't you?

-I'm sorry, Lucy.

0:23:490:23:51

You know, Dad's going to be back any minute.

0:23:510:23:54

Has something...?

0:23:550:23:56

-Is your mum all right?

-Mmm-hmm.

0:23:580:24:01

Yeah, she's fine.

0:24:010:24:03

Thanks for that, go on.

0:24:030:24:04

-You've been crying.

-No!

0:24:060:24:09

No way. Wouldn't give her the satisfaction.

0:24:100:24:13

-Old witch.

-Yeah.

0:24:140:24:16

Should be used to it by now, shouldn't I?

0:24:180:24:21

-You all right, you two?

-Yeah.

0:24:220:24:24

-Is that it?

-What's wrong?

0:24:270:24:29

Is this all you've taken today?

0:24:290:24:31

D'you know what, that is just fantastic. That's just great!

0:24:310:24:34

-You think the money fairy comes in and pays the bills, don't you?

-Dad! What's happened?

0:24:340:24:39

What the hell? Who cares?

0:24:410:24:43

Billy Mitchell's been winding me up, stupid little runt.

0:24:430:24:46

You're sure you're feel better?

0:24:500:24:51

Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. It was just the smell, and it was hot.

0:24:510:24:54

Right, I'm just going to pack up.

0:24:540:24:57

You made a right botch job of that ceiling, didn't you?

0:24:570:25:00

-Thank you.

-Well, we couldn't afford a professional.

0:25:000:25:03

Oh, and I suppose you think I should pay for that?

0:25:030:25:06

-You are the landlord.

-All right.

0:25:060:25:09

Well, I'll get it done, then.

0:25:090:25:12

I suppose.

0:25:120:25:14

-Good. Not before time.

-Don't push your luck.

0:25:140:25:16

I'll go and get you some water.

0:25:170:25:20

Argh!

0:25:240:25:26

Crispy crab parcels.

0:25:320:25:34

-Cat sick!

-HE LAUGHS

0:25:340:25:36

And caviar. Blimey!

0:25:360:25:39

-We shouldn't laugh, she is trying to be nice.

-No, we shouldn't laugh, no.

0:25:390:25:42

PHONE RINGS

0:25:420:25:44

Hello? Oh, hello, sweetheart.

0:25:440:25:47

Hey, whoa, whoa, slow down!

0:25:470:25:50

-Will you just stop crying?

-What is it?

0:25:500:25:52

Bianca, just slow down, I can't make sense of what you're saying, eh?

0:25:520:25:57

What?

0:25:580:25:59

Oh, no. Hang on, hang on. Let me tell Whit, she's just here.

0:26:010:26:04

-Let me speak to her.

-They've transferred her miles away to Suffolk.

0:26:040:26:07

-They can't do that.

-They've done it already. You still there, darling?

0:26:070:26:10

-But I need her!

-Listen, listen, we will come tomorrow...

0:26:100:26:13

Listen, tomorrow, all of us, OK?

0:26:130:26:16

I'll call and get all the details.

0:26:160:26:19

All right, now listen. Don't you worry, OK?

0:26:190:26:21

All right, darling, bye.

0:26:210:26:23

-RADIO:

-# But I have to go

0:26:270:26:30

# And it breaks my heart to say

0:26:300:26:34

# But I can't stop now

0:26:340:26:38

# I've got troubles of my own

0:26:380:26:41

# Cos I'm short on time... #

0:26:410:26:46

But I have to look after Alfie's interests, don't I?

0:26:460:26:49

Yeah.

0:26:490:26:51

Jean, don't worry about it.

0:26:510:26:53

Not everybody's cut out for high finance. It's risky.

0:26:530:26:57

Keep your money safe under your mattress, don't worry. It's fine.

0:26:570:27:00

-But I want you to have it!

-You've got it here?

0:27:020:27:05

-Yes. Yes. It was cash you wanted, wasn't it?

-Yeah.

0:27:050:27:10

But...

0:27:100:27:11

No buts, Michael!

0:27:110:27:13

I have to do this, for Kat and Alfie.

0:27:170:27:19

You do realise, though,

0:27:190:27:21

you're not going to see this for a good couple of months, yeah?

0:27:210:27:24

Two months. That's fine.

0:27:240:27:26

But don't tell Alfie I've taken the money.

0:27:270:27:30

I don't want him to know just yet.

0:27:300:27:31

I'm not so sure about this, Jean.

0:27:350:27:37

Well, I am, Michael.

0:27:380:27:40

I am, now. And you'll be giving me

0:27:400:27:43

all the paperwork to make it official, won't you?

0:27:430:27:46

Yeah, yeah, not a problem.

0:27:460:27:49

Well...

0:27:490:27:51

..take it...

0:27:530:27:54

..and work your magic.

0:27:560:27:58

Please.

0:27:590:28:00

I'll do my best.

0:28:020:28:03

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0:28:320:28:35

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