07/06/2012 EastEnders

ALARM SOUNDS

That's for deleting Top Gear. Night, babe.

What do I do with this lot?

I dunno. What you asking me for?

You're the big cheese running the place.

Mo, is this what she does?

You kidding? I've never seen her like this before.

D'you know what? Just bin it, yeah?

I want Jean arrested.

Forget about her, she's a no mark.

I'm taking you shopping.

For more elasticated pants?

No, baby clothes. Little miniature midget clothes for small people.

Yeah, well, I think I'd rather have Jean locked up.

No, no, I think that's just your hormones talking.

Since when does Janine Butcher get weirded out

by creepy little old birds?

Hi, Afia. Hi, Tam.

Not interested, Tam.

Guess what I'm going to do today?

Talk about babies and settling down and stuff?

Tam, grow up.

No, not me, Afia. Because I want to go travelling with you.

Travelling? Yeah. What do you say to that?

I can't not be with you, Afia.

What about your mum?

What about Mum? I'm going to tell her today.

Just one thing.

Mmm?

Don't do it with sock puppets.

Really?

SHE LAUGHS

Smashing an alarm, I mean, that is a bit extreme.

Yes. You cannot let him get away with it.

No, I'm not going to. Look.

Sorry, sorry, sorry

Tyler's phone's just gone Double-Dutch.

All right. One minute, Whit.

WHISTLING

Have you seen Tyler?

-I'm not talking to you.

-He left his phone.

Top Gear is sacred. All right? Sacred.

Wow! You really do need a hand, innit?

Why didn't you clear up this last night?

-What are you, the health police?

-All right, sorry.

All right, girls, come on now,

let's put this energy into the tidying, yeah? Come on.

So when's your dad getting back then, Lucy?

Next question.

'Oh, hello, it's Mr Porter again. I just wanted to say

'I found the items...

'you know, that I thought were missing.

'Anyway. My mistake. Sorry.'

'End of messages. To delete messages, press delete.'

I loved playing boxes too. Better than the actual presents.

Amy, come and help Mummy?

Right. Well... I'm off to work.

Well, mind the elephant in the room as you go, won't you?

-Sorry?

-Look, teddy's over there. Go and get teddy. Good girl.

Sorry, but you're not going anywhere,

until you explain yesterday.

-I'm already late.

-Jean!

-What?

What d'you mean "what?"

Do you not remember what was sitting in your room?

That wasn't me. Michael did that.

You don't know what he's capable of.

-Michael?

-Yes. He's been doing things.

Jean, just give me the truth.

I am telling you the truth.

He keeps setting me up, he's done it before,

he made me look like I'd broken into Janine's flat.

Oh, why would he do that?

For the money, it's all about the money.

He's trying to frame me, so that I look like I'm...

-you know, I'm...

-Well, it's working!

So you do believe me?

Jean...

Just...

what've you done with the money?

He's got it!

You know what... You can't have spent it, right?

You can't have spent it all.

-It's not like you've got a brand-new sports car outside.

-Listen to me,

Michael has got the money!

Is it Sean? You've given it to Sean?

Cos he would SO know how to get it off of you.

What's he given you, some great big sob story?

-No, you know I haven't seen Sean for years!

-What we...

What I saw in that room, OK, what everybody saw, is not right.

Yeah? You cannot do things like that.

I am telling you the truth. It was Michael!

D'you know something, Jean?

I'm supposed to be holding the fort, and this is just way beyond me.

Oh, well, I am so sorry for you!

Thank you so much for believing in me(!)

Don't get angry with me, Jean.

-I'm going to work.

-You're seriously going to step outside there?

Yes! Because there is nothing wrong with me! I am fine!

-I am!

-Yeah. OK.

Just so you know, this is not what I signed up for.

When you proposed to me,

I was not saying yes to some undergraduate bum.

Is that what you think students are?

I know that's what they are.

They get a sense of freedom and they're hanging off war memorials.

Well, bring it on.

Don't even joke about it.

Zee, you know, it might be an idea to let people do

what they want every now and then.

Are you saying that I interfere?

Only with everything.

This isn't a home, it's a dictatorship.

Right. So it's wrong to try and make everyone happy, is it?

Yes, but you're doing the opposite.

Someone has got to tell Tamwar how to go about things. The boy is clueless at the best of times.

He's all grown up now, he's a man.

He still needs me.

And you, Mr Student, if you want me to stand by you,

you have to stand by me.

I feel a song coming on.

Tamwar and Afia have got to put down roots,

they've got to start a family.

And you, Mr Student, if you want an education,

you better start learning from me.

What's this? Cake?

Yeah, what of it? You want a slice?

I'll have a cup a tea, please. Hello, sweetheart.

My phone's all mumbo jumbo.

How am I supposed to sort it out if I can't understand the instructions?

Why don't you take a language course or something, Ty?

TEXT ALERT

She'll help ya. Oi, Lauren, you've got GCSEs, ain't you?

Yes. But none of them were in phone repair.

Just sort it out for us, please?

Look, if you do not know languages

then it's not my fault that you're thick.

I am not thick.

Hey, bruvver, let me have a look man.

Oh, mate, I think that's Egyptian. Actually, it might be Russian.

Great. That means Whitney wins this round, then.

Is that's how it works? It's not a relationship, it's a boxing match.

And I'm going to win.

Right. So what happens next then?

Eh?

In Round Three? Thicko.

All right. You ain't so clever yourself, you know.

Compared to you two, I really am.

All right, well, why don't you prove it?

-Yeah, prove it.

-Yeah.

OK. We'll have a little competition. Girls versus apes.

Winner just gets to walk all over the losers.

You'd better bring your friends, Lauren cos you're going to need 'em.

-All right. Lucy, you busy later?

-What do you think?

-What's that? No friends?

-Shame.

Tell you who you should invite. My Alice. She's a clever girl.

Yeah. Yeah, I will. Thank you, Uncle Derek. I will.

Uh, no offence Del, but what you helping her for?

I've already got to apologise to Whit later

so I can get my phone sorted.

You have gotta get a grip, son.

You gotta stop fawning around her.

Fawn? Fawning?

It's a baby deer and you know what we do with baby deers, don't ya?

We eat 'em. Not because they're tasty but because we can.

So you get back over there and you put her in her place

and keep her there.

Forget the tea.

ENGINE SPUTTERS

Stupid thing!

-We're not going around the world on that, are we?

-You told her yet?

Uh...no.

Tam!

I will, OK? I just haven't seen her, have I?

-You're single and middle aged Denise...

-Here's your chance.

..you're never busy. So I'm bringing Kamil round for 6pm.

You'll be glad for the company. OK, bye.

Right, so it's all done. A romantic dinner for two.

Courtesy of your loving mother.

Listen, Mum...

Dinner's already cooking

and your father is attempting to choose the music.

-ENGINE STARTS

-Afia?

She heard about a trainer sale.

SHE LAUGHS

Yeah, it's 120.

I've got to go.

There we go, job done.

Polish, polish, polish, where does the morning go?

Pops...?

You really are on another planet.

Jean, you can't just come waltzing in here.

You could've got me locked up!

Look, I know what you're thinking,

but I didn't know that stuff was in my room.

I swear.

Billy, on Stacey's life, I swear!

-You lying, old cow.

-Just get out.

Oh, you would say that, wouldn't you, because you're in on it.

You need locking up! Billy, get her out.

Billy...it was them.

And by the way, you're fired!

-And you're rehired.

-Come on, Jean.

Billy, it was them. I swear, I didn't know anything about it...

-Best you stay well away. Please.

-Oh, please, Billy.

ECHOING LAUGHTER

SOUNDS ECHO

LAUGHTER

Need a ride somewhere?

Where you going?

Back off! Michael! Michael!

Don't ignore me.

Not after what you've done.

Michael. Michael, please, please...

Why are you doing this to me?

Sorry?

You don't care do you?

Not even a flicker.

You...

You're like a snake.

Poison. That's what you are.

You can't say these things to me, Jean. We're friends.

SHE LAUGHS

Oh, I'm stronger now. I am.

You might think I'm a nobody,

a nothing. But I am someone, Michael. I am.

Of course you are. Whoever said you weren't, Jean?

I'm going to prove it was you.

Sorry?

All that stuff you put in my room. I'm going to prove it was you.

PHONE RINGS

Just the missus...

wondering where I am.

She was going to have you arrested, by the way, till I intervened.

Told her it was just a blip.

I won't stop until everyone knows about you, Michael. I won't.

I'd worry more about what they're going to learn about you.

And that's coming from a really caring place.

I was wrong about you.

You're not fit to be anybody's son.

Tam. Your mum sent me.

Before you start, I am listening to you, and not her.

Really?

-Follow your dreams, that's what you said, so...

-You sure?

Yep. We both want to get away, so...

That was close.

She told me to go and give you some advice.

How I've fathered four children and all that.

Yeah. Probably better that you're leaving.

Anyway, you can report back. And tell her what I've decided.

Me? Isn't it better coming from you?

What? Are we both that scared of her?

Probably.

I love quizzes.

Yeah. And we are going to annihilate 'em, so...

Come on, jump to it!

Luce, have a look?

Have a look, Luce.

-There you go.

-What is this?

-Ketchup.

I've got this acquaintance, right, had a word, did a deal,

and there you go. All above board, of course.

We've got our own supplier.

Yeah. But you've also got Bobby to look after and a cafe to run

so let me chip in. Eh?

Dad's got his own contacts.

But he isn't here, is he?

No. But he will be.

When? There you go. Come on,

I'm only trying to help out. Just doing my bit.

Are we living in a ghost town?

Mo, what d'you want me to?

D'you want me to stand outside and yell at people to come in?

You'd better flaming do something, girl.

Jean!

She was all right until you pitched up.

Why don't you just do something instead of standing there,

having a dig at me all the time?

Come on, then. How was it out there?

I warned you, didn't I?

He said that it would help Alfie.

What?

Michael. But now he's got my savings,

Alfie's savings, the VAT money.

The only person that he's helping is himself.

OK. All right. Jean you just gotta stop this now.

-Kat and Alfie are going to hate me.

-They're going to hate me, as well.

I'm thinking, I'm thinking, I'm thinking,

that we go round there and we demand the money back.

-You and me.

-Jean. Jean, stop...

-He'll listen to you, and we'll take Mo, as well.

-Jean,

stop this now... Jean...!

-Jean...

-..and we will not leave until we get every single penny.

JEAN! JEAN!

Stop it! Do you understand me?

Nobody believes you!

OK? Nobody!

You'll look like a prince tonight.

Things are finally going our way, Tamwar.

Well, once I get used to being engaged to a student.

Bit by bit, we are getting back to who we are.

Yeah, I think I am too. Actually, I think I've already arrived.

You see, I'm still getting things right, still giving good advice.

Not really.

Huh?

The meal, and the romantic night,

it's good and that,

OK...

but it...it's not us.

It's not me and Afia.

We're going to go round the world.

SHE LAUGHS

You're such a joker. You joker.

I'm being serious.

It's what Afia... It's what we both want.

-So...

-I see.

I mean, Dad said it was OK.

Your father knew about this?

He's got a point, Mum.

I'm sure he does. Mas!

So you two, you're doing your own thing. Right?

-Is that so wrong?

-No.

No? OK. So you're OK with it?

No, not remotely.

It's OK, you know, you two just...

-you don't need me any more, so...

-That's not what we're saying!

No, that makes me pretty redundant.

So I will just back away, into a corner somewhere...

-Mum.

-Zee.

..and I will do MY own thing. I'll find my own space.

You know, it'll give me a chance to do something for myself.

The boy is allowed to grow up.

Yes. And you are allowed to be a schoolboy again.

It's like some bad body swap comedy. It's just...

And look at us all laughing.

All I'm saying is Jean's had her problems in the past.

Newsflash - she's still got 'em.

Well, we should be trying to help her.

Pops, seriously you're going soft.

You could be visiting me in juvee right now, you know.

So you're clever then, yeah?

-I got a few GCSEs.

-Yes!

Lucy, you sure that you're not around later?

I said no, I mean no.

C'mon Lucy, we need you. We could beat 'em.

I'm not interested.

-We came in specially.

-Well, you wasted your time.

We're not going to ask you again, Lucy.

Good. I've got stuff to do so run along.

-Thought my dad was helping you?

-Who are you again?

Dunno why I bother.

You're still a great mum.

And you let Shabnam go travelling.

I want you here.

But it's like you say, Zee, I'm the big kid now.

Me and Kamil, we need you.

And I'm going to keep a video diary, OK?

I'll put it online, it'll be like I'm in the room,

although if there's a mountain in the background it might not quite work.

But...

So you're going to leave me here with him? Thanks, Tam.

Oh, Zee...

-Careful.

-Thank you, babe.

Beer please, Rox. Jean all right?

And what is "all right", exactly?

-Married Kate.

-Prince William!

-Umm...

-Come on!

-Poker face, poker face.

-Lady Gaga!

-That's it, that's it.

My first name...

-Whitney Houston!

-Yes!

-Times up!

-Right, how many you got?

-How many?

-12.

12? 12?

It's your turn.

What's your name again?

Alice.

All right then Alice, get ready for a spanking. Ready boys?

Derek's daughter.

THEY LAUGH

When I say spanking, I didn't...

I don't mind.

Easy bruv!

I mean, I don't mind you saying...

-Awkward!

-Anyway, OK go!

Hold on. That's not fair, that's not fair, start again, start again...

he's um...side burns...

How much stuff does a baby need?

I'm Mr Style. My girl's going to be the same as me.

-Billy, will you take this lot home for me, please?

-Me?

-I am with child.

-You're on the pay roll, Bill.

How dare you...

-How dare we what?

-No, no, no. I'm not having this...

That's mine.

Jean?

All those things. They belong to me. My money paid for those.

Jean...

Tell them, Michael. Tell them how you took it from me. Go on.

Jean, what are you doing? Jean! What are you doing?

Come on. Where's the money? Where's my money? Where is it?

Jean? Jean, what you playing at?

-No, I want what's mine!

-Calm down...

-All this is mine! My money paid for this.

-What you doing?

All my savings! Alfie's money! Gone!

And if this is what I can have for it,

-this is what I'm having!

-JEAN! SHUT UP!

I don't want that woman within a mile of me.

Michael... Please tell them what you did.

-C'mon darling, let's get you home.

-Billy...

Please?

..retrieve my goods.

JEAN SOBS

SHE SCREAMS

Well?

Pick a country.

You told her? You actually told her?

Yeah. And without a puppet show.

-So she's going to let you go?

-Yep.

And listen, I've got it all planned.

Because once we've been around the world, and done all that,

we can still come back here and pick up where we left off.

Y'know, it's just an idea but once you've got it all out of your system,

maybe Mum's idea about starting a family won't seem so weird.

Who knows? This could be perfect.

Don't do this to me, Tam.

Don't do what?

Don't be that person. Please.

It's like a teeny weeny country trapped inside another country.

It's full of Italians!

Sicily!

Oh, come on. You must know that?

I can't think straight.

Neither can I, what was that between Michael and Jean?

I know, but time is ticking, boys, all right.

So come on, it's where the Pope does his thing.

Yeah, yeah, Alfie... Never mind that, OK, I need you.

I really do.

Shall we go speed dating?

Pretend we've never met...

..and we've got 30 seconds to get to know each other. OK?

OK, I'll go first.

OK. Hi.

My name's Tam...

..and I'm just trying to make everyone happy.

But most of all I'm trying to make this girl I know happy.

And to do that, I need to be myself

and not who I think she wants me to be.

If I can work out what that is.

I thought it was being a restaurateur...

..thought maybe being a good son...

..being a father.

But none of those work for her.

Things have changed.

She's changed.

And I need her to tell me how I can get her back.

TIMER SOUNDS

Anyway, that's me.

Now it's your turn.

Afia?

Rules are, you've got to say something.

TIMER SOUNDS

Time's up, Tam.

VACUUM CLEANER

What time we gotta get up tomorrow?

Early.

Derek's going to kill me.

Derek?

Yeah. He gave me some woman advice.

Oh, right.

Thing is, Tyler, you fawn around Whitney.

It's a baby deer, a fawn, and we eat baby deers.

THEY LAUGH

Well, come here and be a DEER, and give me a kiss.

-Was that a deer?!

-SHE LAUGHS

You know, even if you're standing still,

you're still going at thousands of miles an hour.

So you don't have to go anywhere, really.

Well, if I keep travelling, then chances are

I'll come back this way again.

So you never know.

But don't stand staring out that window for years. All right?

-As if I'd do that.

-You would.

-I know.

You're not coming back, are you?

Afia?

I love you, too.

ENGINE SPUTTERS

Hold on tight.

ENGINE STARTS

Don't forget me!

You look knackered.

What are you doing?

Please? After all I've done for you?

Jean?

Jean?

Jean?

Jean!

Hello, Rox.

Alfie, you came!

-All right, Kat?

-All right?

Yeah.

What?

What is it?

Jean?

Jean! Jean, Jean, come here. Come here, Jean.

It's OK. I'm here, all right?

I'm back.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd