05/07/2012 EastEnders

No. I know, don't say it, all right.

HE GROANS

And before you ask, the answer is yes, all right.

I do feel as bad as I look.

HE GASPS

Come on, Kat, don't give me the silent treatment.

What? You never done something you shouldn't?

Kat?

All right boys? A touch, touch, a touch from me.

And I'll have some of them seltzers as well please, Dee.

I've got a mouth like a bus driver's...glove.

All right, Jack? How's your legs this morning?

-Ruined. You?

-Sore. Not as sore as me head though.

It's the worst thing about the morning after, innit?

The blanks.

You wake up and you say to yourself,

"I know I done something last night, but I can't remember what it was."

Yeah, yeah, I know, mate.

Hold on a sec, she's here right now. Hold on, stay there.

Bloke about the pub football team. Entry forms and stuff?

No, not now.

Listen, mate, can she ring you a bit later on, is that all right?

Yeah, all right. Cheers, mate. Bye.

PHONE RINGS

It's second-hand, what do you expect?

Second-hand stuff always smells.

Stinks more like. No wonder no-one's buying anything.

I know.

Had Head Office on the phone to me yesterday

wanting to know why it was so quiet.

People ain't got any money to spend, that's why.

Who wants to spend it on tat?

What do you know?

Maybe I should put some more stuff outside.

Or I could change the window display.

Take some old rubbish out and put some new rubbish in its place.

Genius.

-You going somewhere?

-To see Lola.

Not today you're not.

D'you want help down the Arches?

No. You're going to help Shirley out. First run of the burger van.

You up for that?

Yeah, I just asked him, he said he'd love to. Didn't you, Ben?

Course.

Can I just get a coffee.

Still here then?

Not for much longer.

Oh?

Mission accomplished. Any day now.

I think that girl's got a bit of a thing for you.

What, don't tell me you haven't noticed?

And what business is it of yours?

I'm your dad.

Can I sue? Trade Descriptions Act or something?

Like I keep telling you, we're more alike than you think.

Yeah, right-o, Derek. In your dreams.

My nightmares.

Good looks.

I take after Mum, everyone's always said it.

Answer for everything.

Leave me alone, will you?

-Bit of a temper.

-Please?

Quick on the uptake.

I'll even throw in a little bit of crafty as well.

And we're both in the doghouse with Alice.

Like I said. Loads.

-So you up for it then?

-Well, yeah.

You're up for it, ain't you, Max? Pub league?

-Come on then.

-You going for that, then?

-You all right, Mike?

Cos I can hook you up with the proper gear. Shirts, all that.

HE SIGHS

Yeah, I know Ray's up for it an' all.

Yeah, well he would be, wouldn't he.

-Cock of the walk ain't he, that one?

-And Kat must be up for it.

Yeah, she had a good time, didn't she?

-So what's the problem?

-Yeah, it'll be fine.

This is the economy pack.

Yeah, well, think of the mark up we're going to make.

-They're frozen.

-Then we'll defrost them.

It'll take all day.

20 minutes max. We can use that blowtorch down the Arches.

Shirl!

Or we can just stick 'em in the microwave. Cheers.

No. Stack those over by the magazines there, will you?

Actually, I think they work better by the till.

Yes, well, yeah. That is a good idea.

This bag gets heavier every day.

However, my idea is just better. So, over by the magazines?

Anytime in the next, you know, 24 hours if that'll do you.

Oh, it's from Head Office.

Oh, my goodness, it must be the results.

The Best Minute Mart in East London.

And there's none better, I've visited them all.

We come out best on customer choice, customer service,

on ambience, on convenience.

Best see what the Head Office thinks, eh?

Oh, d'you know, this is ridiculous, I'm actually quite nervous, here.

I think you'll find I'm the one who's supposed to be nervous.

Meaning?

Shall I?

Well?

Oh.

Mas, is this some sort of a wind up or...

No, I'm sorry, Denise, it says it here in black and white.

You're not the best Minute Mart in East London.

You're the best in the South and the East.

That's amazing!

Show me.

Look after them, all right. Take care of them. Have a lovely day.

Bye.

Looking for something special?

-Present for my Dad, it's his birthday.

-Oh.

I was thinking something for his flat.

That's nice.

It looks nice. It's not...

What?

You hear such stories - markets, second-hand places...

Is it knocked-off in other words?

I didn't say that. But seeing as you said it.

That is a 100% kosher and above board.

It's a much-prized possession from a loving home.

How did it end up here then?

You really are the careful type, aren't you?

It's former owner has no use for it any more.

Because?

Because he's kind of former all the way around.

-He's dead?

-Well, I hope so for his sake, he was cremated yesterday.

So you knew him then?

I knew someone who knew him, put it that way.

So, the vase? What you saying?

I'll think about it.

All right? Takeaway coffee please.

Michael. How's Janine?

She's better, thank you. And the baby's better as well.

Cheers.

How's my kid doing, Michael? Settling in OK, is he?

Yeah.

He's a good kid. Bit messed up.

But then, you'd understand that.

Treat him well, yeah?

Me and Joey, we haven't always seen eye-to-eye,

but he's my son after all.

THEY GIGGLE EXCITEDLY

Cake, please and lots of it.

Celebrating?

Oh, yes, and why shouldn't we?

We already know that we are the best Minute Mart in East...

-And South.

-..And South London. And Head Office agrees.

Wow. Have it on me then.

Oh, thank you.

You know, I knew all my hard work would pay off.

So what do you think my prize will be, huh?

Do you think like a little mini holiday or maybe some paid leave?

I could really do with that,

after the extra hours that I have put in.

You know, I've put in a fair few hours myself.

Behind that till day in, day out, night in and night out.

-We don't even open during the night.

-No. Evenings.

Anyway, I've always believed it is the quality

of the contribution that counts.

Look, this prize, yeah, whatever it is, maybe we can share it.

SHE LAUGHS

Now why would I want to share something that is rightfully mine?

And that too with someone who didn't do anything to earn it?

No. It's been decided. I'm keeping that prize.

I insist on it.

Oh, do you?

There you are, my dear.

Thank you, Patrick, but I think I'd choke on it.

Zainab, I'm really worried about this.

Relax. It's working beautifully.

Kat. Walford's finest.

Guaranteed to work every time.

Well, almost every time.

They're lovely.

Listen, Kat, you ain't got the hump with me any more, have you?

I never had. Come here.

If I'd know you were going to be like this,

I'd have saved myself a few quid.

I'm joking. Listen, sweetheart, the organiser's been on the phone again.

Let me finish, he's been bending my ear, cos all the lads,

they want to play football, Jack, Max, Ray.

And Derek, he's been driving me nuts,

talking about opening up a book or something.

Come on ,sweetheart, you loved it like the rest of us.

All right, I messed up a little bit.

Yeah, but doing it regular, in a league though,

it's a lot of hard work.

Yeah, yeah, I know, granted. It's worth a try, yeah?

It's easy for you to say, sparked out flat on your face.

I don't understand, you were up for it yesterday, you've gone full circle.

That's when I thought it was a one-off.

But we've got this pub to run, and Tommy to look after.

I know, just think about it, the roar of the crowd.

One man and his dog more like.

The last-minute corner, injury-time header,

the pleasure, the pain, the ecstasy.

-I just don't feel easy about it.

-What do you mean, easy? I don't...

I can't explain it, I just don't.

PHONE RINGS

Look, stop phoning me, all right? I don't want to know.

All right, superstar? Happy Birthday, mate.

I thought they'd have given you the afternoon off, but work is work.

Nah, it's not my birthday for another six months.

What made you think it was?

Mr Coker?

The very same.

I wonder if I might have a little word?

Regarding?

Well, business.

My sincere condolences, my dear, dear lady.

If you'll just give me a moment, we'll go back to my office.

Not that kind of business.

Here, darlin'. Want to see where I live?

I want to know WHY you live.

Right, come on. Let's see how you flip it.

How?

Well, stick that thing underneath and flick it.

Right, ready.

Never mind about that one, the local dog'll have it later.

Right, give it here. Now watch how the master does it.

Lucy, it's a bit early for clubbing, innit.

Oh, no, I just took some stuff to the charity shop.

Oh, I see.

-I'm not a stalker.

-Yet.

Hey, darlin'...

I got this beautiful penthouse, river views, the lot.

Sorry, and this is who?

The Missing Link.

You would look so good on my wrap-around balcony.

Right, why don't you go to some dark place and...

carry on evolving?

All right. Not being taken for a mug, am I?

Meaning?

Meaning why's your old man so concerned about you all of a sudden?

-It's got nothing to do with me.

-I thought you didn't get on.

-We don't.

-That's the main reason I took you on.

-So what you trying to say? I'm a liar?

-Are you?

You want to watch your mouth.

Oh, dear. You're beginning to sound like him as well.

Hope I haven't made a mistake.

Stop fussing, Masood.

I can't help it, it's completely against all the rules.

-Who's going to know?

-The envelope was addressed to Denise.

-So?

-PHONE RINGS

-Kamil!

If she ever finds out you've already read it...

-How will she know? I'm won't tell her.

-Hello.

-And if you tell her, I will kill you.

-It's Kamil.

Give me the phone.

Hello?

Who was it, Kamil?

A man.

Hmm. Look, I'm going to burn this, right now.

Yeah, you do whatever you want, just stop fussing, Masood.

-If Denise ever comes here.

-Whatever.

Shirl, we've got customers,

Right.

You try one, make sure they're all right

-and then I can start serving.

-Why don't you?

What's the problem? That dog didn't keel over, did it?

All right, here you are. We'll do it together, yeah?

After three.

One, two, three.

-Shirl!

-Well, what's it like?

It's OK.

What, really?

Yeah. It's all right.

Right, what can I get you?

I'll have a burger and chips please.

-You know, talk about pigheaded,

-Calm down now, man.

-Obstinate, stubborn.

-I don't see the problem.

She thinks this is a one-woman show you see, that's the problem.

She can't think that. I mean, both of you work here.

Yes. I've worked here longer though.

Yes, but what I'm trying to...

And I am actually the boss.

I see, so if this is a one-woman-show,

then you are that woman, right?

Oh, I didn't actually say that. Not in so many words.

Sounded like it to me.

Well, however it sounds to an employee, it is actually

the manageress who's going to be claiming the prize, so...

What, so I get nothing? For all my hard work?

Made even harder by my manageress's underhanded trick with the Inspector.

No, in recognition of your efforts...

Which were prolonged and strenuous, I am so exhausted.

Yes, yes, yes, OK, OK! So we can look into a little bit

of that time off that you was after.

A bit?

OK, then, maybe a few days,

Alfie, what's all this?

It's a surprise, all right, a surprise.

Oh! That honks!

Stinks a bit, don't it? Here we go, look.

I've hung up my boots, ain't I.

Well, no, I've actually burnt 'em, to be honest with you.

Oh, it stinks.

Kat, come on, sweetheart. I'm not stupid, all right?

I know it's not been easy for you to have to put me in the team

when you've got much better players who want to play the game.

And I know it wasn't easy for you to take me off like that, all right?

Oh, and I'm sorry about last night, my head's still buzzing a bit.

So, basically, I am retiring, OK.

From now on, me and you are going to manage the team together.

Look what I've done. Sort it out. We've got a game next Wednesday.

So it's not going to be about me or you, it's going to be about us.

Us, and the Vic, eh. Come on, you.

You've got a cosy little number going, ain't you?

You tell the grieving relative you'll clear the house.

Now, I don't believe that's in your remit. But never mind.

Top rates, all that old toffee.

-Which isn't exactly illegal.

-It's a bit unethical though.

Then you get a fair old kick-back passing the stock on

to the Moon boys. Very dodgy Moon boys, at that.

Stock that might find its way into a charity shop instead.

Just imagine if word got out.

There's no reason for it to get out.

If you cut us into the same sort of deal.

Say, one house to the Moons and the next to us?

She's not as green as she's cabbage-looking, is she?

Is that a compliment?

Most definitely a compliment, darling.

Your very last chance.

A taste of paradise. Think about it.

What a waste.

Of a life.

I was trying to be friendly.

Oi, what are you doing! Hey!

It's OK, Joey.

I said, what are you doing?

I can deal with this.

All right, man. All right.

The sweet smell of success. Is there anything more intoxicating?

Jed Quinn. Brand Agent.

You got my letter about the competition?

-Oh.

-Yes. Yes.

-Hug.

-Huh?

-Group hug. Don't mind, do you?

-Eh...

For the staff magazine?

Action shot, you know, the moment you received the good news

and all that, I know it's a bit pony.

No, no, no, I don't mind.

And now one of the two lovely ladies.

Yes.

And now, your prize.

I mean, Denise's prize.

-You sure?

-Yes, I insist.

So would I.

Why, what is it?

-It was in with the letter.

-No, it weren't.

-No.

Couldn't exactly have missed it.

Brand Event of the year.

Oh, my goodness! I would love that!

We'd get to see all the new lines being launched.

You know, laundry powder, dog food.

Did you know about this?

How could I?

Well, there's no need to miss out.

The prize is open for all employees.

Look, says so here, in the small print, everyone can come along.

It's OK, my reward's been sorted here.

No, no, no.

That's only cos we didn't know that it was for all of us, you see.

And we do now.

He was just a pathetic drunk. And Lucy's no helpless child either.

Hope you're not some kind of Trojan Horse.

You what?

Sent in by your dad. To bring us all down.

Cor.

Yeah, all right, so we stink a bit.

A bit? Mustard, ketchup, onions.

Shame everything's so horrible.

Since we kept a couple of burgers for you.

But as everything stinks so bad.

All right, come on, hand 'em over. Where are they?

No, you're right, we do have a whiff of abattoir about us.

So, went well then?

-Yeah, really well.

-I'll put this in the washing machine.

I've got a bone to pick with you.

-OK, all right, I'm sorry, all right.

-In here.

I've already had my ear bent by Michael.

Look, I don't need you riding to my rescue.

Come on.

OK, OK.

We're sorry OK.

What were you going to do with this?

I was going to stick it on her grave.

I know it sounds stupid.

No, it don't. At least somebody remembered her on her birthday.

-Shirley...

-Why didn't you tell me?

Why is your name the only one on the card? Why isn't it from all of us?

-I don't know!

-When were you going to do it?

What difference does it make?

Yesterday? Today?

Yeah, I suppose so.

Oh, what? And then you decided to come with me instead?

You were going to do something really nice.

Something really thoughtful.

And then you thought, "Nah, I'd rather be flipping burgers."

I just thought it'd be a better way of remembering her.

What?

You know, having fun.

Like I was saying...I had it covered.

Going to pull out some killer moves were you?

Yup. Then you stormed in uninvited

and I didn't have chance to show them off...

Not yet, anyway.

I was just looking out for you.

No need.

But seeing as you did...

What's that for?

Thank you. Again.

And that was for?

That's me saying sorry.

Again.

And that was for?

Do you really need to ask?

I'm bad news, Luce.

You don't look too bad to me.

Terrible liar.

I'm shocked.

Don't say I didn't warn you.

Kat, come and see this.

One of the lads in the market taped the football

and he's just burnt it to DVD.

Alfie!

PHONE RINGS

Phone centre have been hassling me all day.

-It's all right, I'll talk to them if you want.

-No. Ignore 'em. I am.

Hello. Go on, go through.

Yeah, all right, hold on. Kat.

Apparently it's your favourite feller.

Yeah, in his dreams. Quick.

Right, hold on, I'm coming.

Go on, Queen Vic!

Hello?

Now what? Of course I can't.

No, not even for a drink.

Well, you can wait all you like, cos I'm not going to call you back,

and listen to me, don't you ever, ever,

pull a stroke like that on Alfie again. Do you hear me?

TEXT MESSAGE ALERT

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd