19/07/2012 EastEnders

TEXT ALERT

You don't own me, mate.

Kat? Kat, where are you?

Oh, there you are, love of my life.

-Feast your mince pies on this.

-What is it?

What do you mean? It's like a coach's board.

A bit of top level professional kit.

Helps me visualise the formation for the Queen Vic 11.

Hear me out, OK? So I'm starting with like the classic 4-4-2.

Andrew's in goal. I've got a strong back four,

Masood out wide, who serves our front man Tyler up there.

I thought we sorted this weeks ago?

Yeah, but it's like a fluid approach to modern management, innit?

-What you got there?

-Some clothes of Tommy's. Scarlett could use them.

Oh, yeah, right, so have you heard from Michael?

-No.

-Struggling a bit, ain't he?

Hello? What?

-I love you, Alfie.

-I love you too.

Anyway, if this goes a bit pear-shaped,

I'll just do the 4-5-1, the West Ham formation.

Come on the Hammers. Back in the Premier League, lads?

Yeah, thanks for your support.

Anyway, so what I'll do, I'll probably use Anthony

and Tyler together cos they've got an understanding of each other.

I'd keep Tyler up front.

You reckon? Why?

He's a better finisher.

Tyler's a better finisher? OK, not a bad idea. That's my girl.

Tyler up front. Up the Hammers!

How is he?

He's put on a bit of weight.

How's Scarlett?

Steady at two kilos. Good news about Jake though.

-Hi.

-Hi.

-OK?

Got you a coffee. Strong, skinny.

I got one.

Yeah. So I see. Everything fine?

I wouldn't say everything was fine, Michael, no.

You know what I mean.

How's Jake?

-Yeah, he's doing much better.

-Yeah.

-Great.

Yeah, he's actually put on a bit more weight than Scarlett.

That's all right. Babies are different. It's fine.

I'm just going to go and sit with her,

then I'll head back to the office.

Here it is. I thought you might like to...

Well, look, Shirl, look, he's got Carly's cheeks.

D'you remember when you used to be able to come in here

and have a cup of tea in peace?

-I said no.

-It's not enough you won't let me see Jay,

now you want to ruin the rest of my life an' all.

-You're grounded.

-But it's a special occasion.

Lola, a sale on the high street is not a special occasion.

-But I've got a voucher.

-Have you? Sorry.

I ain't got any jeans, have I?

What will I wear when I get my figure back? LAUGHTER

-What?

-You ain't going to get your figure back.

Have you seen the size of what's to come out?

Yeah, yeah, all right, we get the idea.

Victoria Beckham got hers back.

Yeah, but Victoria Beckham's probably got a personal trainer,

three nannies and a chef. What you got?

-No chance.

-Whatever. I'm still buying them.

No, you're not. You're grounded. You're lucky I let you come here.

I just want to do one thing that's fun.

Oh, Billy, there you are. Listen mate, heads up,

we got a journo coming to the game on Monday to have a chat.

Wants to chat to me, yeah?

Well, yes, you know, it's to both of us. Manager and striker.

I like it. Hook into the torch relay thing.

-Oh, is that coming up, is it?

-Don't encourage him.

-Next week.

-That's exciting, innit?

Stupid corporate games.

Tube's a nightmare and there's foreigners everywhere.

Nice one, Shirley, thanks, darling.

Listen, I was hoping maybe we could drive the message

closer to the area of the team and the Vic.

With all due respect though, Alf, I mean I'm the torchbearer.

-I'm the one with the profile here.

-Yes. Yes, I know that, Billy.

That's why we need to sort out our media strategy, nail it down, mate.

Just pop into the pub, please?

If I lose another game, the press will be all over me.

-I have to work.

-It's just ten minutes, that's all. Please.

-I'll try.

-Good man, all right. All right, ladies?

-You all right there?

-You got to go to work. I'm on my own again.

Well, don't worry, I've got my spies out there.

-Such a loser.

-Give us a cup of tea to take away please, Marie.

-And one of them.

-No, no, you've got to eat healthily.

"You've got to eat healthily".

-You do.

-"You do."

-Oi.

-He said, "You've got to eat healthily."

Oh, just let her have it, Shirl.

Grow a pair, Billy, make a statement and stand by it.

And why don't you mind your own business, you silly old cow?

-Hey!

-Hey, you've got a mouth on you, ain't you?

Tell you what, Billy. I'm a little bit idle today.

How about I keep my eye on her? Make sure she stays grounded?

That'd be brilliant, Shirl. But you don't have to.

Oh, no. It'd be a pleasure.

I don't know what keeps them up.

They're terrible!

Look, look at the waistband...

It's awful.

I know.

-Terrible.

-What's this?

Just doing a bit of ironing, love.

-You could do with some new pants.

-My pants are fine, thanks.

Oh, look at these!

You don't need to do my ironing.

I might just as well.

Cora and Patrick, they're in each other's pockets,

I've got little else to do. Nothing I ain't seen before.

It's not appropriate.

Oh, look, I don't mind.

THEY LAUGH

When he was little he used to run around without any pants.

I used to let him. Get a nice breeze through his undercarriage.

-Oh, that's so cute.

-Yeah.

Mum! Mum, just leave it. Mum.

THEY CONTINUE LAUGHING

We're going to have a lovely time together, me and you.

Lots of cups of tea, lots of girly chats.

I'll even paint your toenails for you if you like.

Ah. Billy hasn't got any milk.

Oh, he must have forgot when you were yelling at him.

But you can't have a cup of tea without any milk, can you?

I'll be two minutes.

Don't you go anywhere.

You're not as bright as you think you are, Lola.

-All right mate, how's your morning been?

-Up at the hospital mainly.

Shouldn't you be there now? With your family?

I've got a few things to take care of here.

-You hungry?

-No, I'm all right.

Nah, don't be silly.

Listen, I've got some of this high protein, low GI stuff for the lads.

Think about it, right.

Good nutrition's as valuable as ball skills.

Can I just have a pie, please? I'm not in the team.

No, you can't have a pie.

No, I guarantee you'll love this stuff, I promise you.

Yeah, it's brilliant stuff. He's really good.

Oh, excuse me. Yes, mate.

Here you are.

-What's that?

-It's for Scarlett.

It's just a few of Tommy's bits just laying round.

I thought you could take 'em.

Thank you. That's kind.

It's his idea.

OK.

I gave you a chance.

I trusted you to stay put, do the right thing.

What are you doing?

I'm not angry, Lola. I'm disappointed.

-Shirley?

-You've let me down, you've let Billy down,

but most of all, you've let yourself down.

-Are you joking? This is imprisonment.

-I hope so, yeah.

You can't do this to me. I'm pregnant!

This is the best for you. You'll thank me for it one day.

No, I won't.

-Well, I won't care either way. Phone.

-No.

See you tonight.

What? No, Shirley! You can't do this! This is abuse!

Shirley! This is illegal.

And what if I have to go to the toilet? Shirley!

What? No. No. No. No!

Shirley. Shirley! Shirley! Shirley!

Look, they're very manly.

Are they big enough? Not too much though, are they?

No. They're right on trend.

All right? Auntie Dot, it's Andrew.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, really good. You?

Terrific.

Listen. Can you do me a favour?

No, all I'm saying is, if winning an Olympic gold medal

isn't the highest honour in a sport, then it shouldn't be in the Games.

What you got? Tennis, football, BMX, where does it stop?

So what do you think of the lunch, then?

-That's it?

-Yeah.

OK, you didn't fancy putting any meat in there, no?

It's all about the protein and the quinoa and the beans.

It's lean, you know. Keeps your weight down.

All right, but...

But... But what?

Nothing. Nothing. It's delicious.

Good.

Going up the hospital now?

I've got to do some business stuff, you know.

Janine obviously can't so... I'm just picking up the slack.

How's she coping?

Great. Amazing.

-That's terrific.

-And you?

Fine.

Everything's changed, innit? Now you've seen her.

-Don't you feel completely helpless?

-Kat, come on.

Totally alone.

Like everything's just happening and you've got no control over it.

Kat.

We don't feel alone.

There are other parents there, going through the same thing as us.

You know, we can empathise with each other. Like a little gang.

And next month it'll be the same. But with a different set.

And the same again at the next hospital.

Cos we'll all get through it together, won't we? Somehow.

There you go.

Making Janine and I even stronger.

And you trust each other?

Yeah. We're a family.

ALARMS BEEP

MORE ALARMS BEEP

Is he OK?

He's not breathing. Bag him.

No heart rate. Starting compressions.

One, two, three.

-What's going on?

-One, two, three.

I'll get IV access and bloods.

No spontaneous breathing.

Continue CPR.

One, two, three. One, two, three.

One, two, three.

-I'll get a second line.

-One, two, three.

Come on, J.

Sorry, Janine. Can I ask you to wait outside for a while?

-But Scarlett, I...

-She'll be fine.

-Blood gas count?

-Come on, keep going.

One, two, three. One, two, three.

One beef and ale pie.

Stick it in the over for what? 30 minutes at 190, good as gold.

You're all right.

No, Michael, take it, it's only going to go to waste, mate.

-Thank you.

-You're welcome.

And these should fit Scarlett when she's about nine months.

Thank you.

-Listen, give our love to the girls, yeah?

-Yeah.

What?

Kat, when Michael comes in, all right, I try to keep it light.

All that talk of hospitals and stuff, it just brings him down.

-Keep it light?

-Yeah.

All right, we'll just stick our heads in the sand, shall we?

You can't keep me in here all day, Shirley!

This stupid window don't open. I'll suffocate!

I think it's locked.

I'll tell the social then.

It's abuse is what it is and you'll go to jail.

You know what they do to child abusers in jail. You'll deserve it!

Fine!

SHE HITS THE WINDOW

Oi! Oi! Stop it.

-None of that.

-I can't breathe!

Do you know how much it costs to replace a window?

-You'd rather I died?

-You ain't going to die.

-No thanks to you.

-Look, just give it a rest, will you?

-You're the child abuser!

Locking me up like some kind of criminal.

I'm 39 weeks pregnant. I'm fragile and vulnerable.

If you were fragile and vulnerable you'd be on the sofa,

-eating cakes like the rest of the...

-HANDLE FALLS TO FLOOR

-You left the kitchen window open, didn't you?

-So?

There's a draught! Oh, my day...

Shirley, where is it? Shirley.

It's in the kitchen.

The knob is in the kitchen.

For my wife. I'll take them. Lovely.

45 quid, is it? Bit steep.

-You pay for quality, right? Keep the change.

-Thank you.

-Do you wear them?

-Never.

Charity shop.

But I might.

Well, if you haven't, you won't.

You are a clever girl.

You going somewhere, Mum?

Yeah, going to Dot's for a while.

Really?

She's not well, her hip's really playing her up, badly.

She needs a bit of looking after, bless her.

-Sandy and Dotty are at the end of their tether.

-For how long?

-Who knows?

-Well, we're packing for four seasons.

So, when do you go?

-It's all right. He'll understand.

-Today.

Goo... Wow. Wow.

Are you OK with that?

Yeah, just a bit of a shock, that's all.

-Well, I can stay.

-No! No, I mean, if Auntie Dot needs you...

-She does.

-Then today it is. What can I do to help?

-Help! Help!

-Help! Is anybody there?

Help! Please!

If the window wasn't locked we could open it. And someone might hear us.

I didn't know we were going to get stuck in here, did I?

Obviously. I'm smashing it.

-No, you're not.

-Why?

-Cos that's 200 quid's worth. Have you got that?

We don't have to replace it.

Don't be so stupid!

What? It's really warm outside. And what if I go into labour?

-You're not going to go into labour.

-How do you know?

Because if it comes out, I'll shove it back in again.

What if they never find us?

What if they find us in, like, 30 years

and we're just skeletons.

In old jeans! Massive maternity jeans.

They're going to think I was fat. We've got to get out of here.

We just have to wait for Billy. He won't be long.

What if he never comes home?

What if he's been hit by a bus or kidnapped by some gangsters?

And he never comes home.

What if he's been bitten by a rabid dog and he's just out there,

on the street, just foaming at the mouth, never knowing that

his beloved granddaughter was slowly starving to death with an old lady.

-Oi.

-It'll just be you and me. In here.

For ever.

BOTH: Help! Help!

Please help!

Would you like to hold her?

Mate, I know she's really punctual, but she's really busy. So that's...

I understand. Why don't you come to my office. 20 minutes.

OK, 20 minutes, yeah? Cheers, mate.

Bill. Bill!

Yeah, yeah, yeah. What?

-The code's changed.

-I don't know anything about that.

This boiler guy...he's ringing me every 20 minutes.

-Who's changed it?

-I've got a bit of filing to do.

-Don't move!

Billy, don't move.

-What's the new one?

-I don't know.

Billy.

-She'll kill me.

-Billy, I will kill you. And I'm here.

She asked me to change it.

Why didn't she tell me?

Because she didn't want you to know the combination.

Look, Michael, she's been under a lot of stress.

-OK, Billy, thanks. Out, please.

-Hormones and...

-Out! Out, Billy!

PHONE RINGS

They, um, they just came and they've taken him away

and I don't think he's coming back.

I can't hold her, Michael. I can't hold our daughter.

And I can't do this without you.

Please. I need you here.

Are you sure you're going to be OK?

Yes, Mum.

I don't mean to nag. I just like looking after you.

I know you do.

I'm sorry if I got in your way.

You never, Mum.

Look, you don't want to miss your train, do you?

No. Best get off, eh?

-You got your ticket?

-Picking it up at the station.

Yeah, good. There's probably queues.

Andrew. Have you spoken to Dot lately?

Me? No.

Are you sure?

Yeah, not a word.

Oh, you're a good boy.

-Have a safe journey, Mum.

-Yeah, thanks, darling.

Hang on, hang on, hang on.

I know it's not my business, but just in case...

And Poppy assures me that they're very manly.

See ya, Mum.

Love you. Miss you already.

All I wanted was a new pair of jeans.

It's not much, really.

But you were grounded.

Well, just something to make me feel nice.

To try and remember what I did look like.

I'm starving.

Here you are.

Are you serious? What happened to eating healthily?

Like I care what Billy thinks.

No, you're all right. Go on then.

-You will get your figure back, you know.

-Really?

You're only young, ain't you?

Pop it out and it'll all spring back.

Does it hurt?

I mean, I know it hurts, but how much does it actually hurt?

It hurts.

It hurts how much you think it's going to hurt.

Really?

Well, getting them out's the easy bit.

Then all you do is let them down.

I'll never let her down.

It's what mums do.

How was yours?

She ran off when I was three.

There you go then.

I'm really scared, Shirley.

You should be. Well, what do you want me to tell you?

That's it's all going to be easy? Cos it ain't.

Carly. Mine.

She's just had a baby.

That's good, innit?

Only she didn't tell me.

I had to hear it from Denise.

That's how good a mum I was.

That she couldn't even be bothered to tell me

about most important thing that ever happened in her life.

We don't speak any more...

..but she still gets to me.

What do you do when you're scared? Do you run?

Cos it don't work.

You stay and you have a crack at being a good mum.

But what about you?

What are you going to have a crack at?

-Abseiling down the side of the Vic.

-What?

The other night, up on the scaffolding with Jean Slater,

don't ask, she was telling me that, you know,

that I was having a mid-life crisis.

And when you go through that, you want to things to change.

But why abseiling?

Because it's absolutely pointless. And I'm petrified of heights.

THEY LAUGH

Mental.

Were you really going to put that lamp through that window?

-Yeah.

-You got some balls, ain't you?

You know, you don't have to worry about being a mum.

You're going to be all right.

Are you OK?

Yeah.

Are you going to cry?

No.

It's all right if you are, you know.

No, I'm not.

I think I need that bucket.

You've got Anthony and Tyler up front.

I know, but I haven't finished yet. We've got a lot of flexibility, OK?

I want to use Anthony as a link-up man to serve the forwards,

use his vision and use the diamond formation.

Oh, like Chelsea.

Yeah, yeah, like Chelsea, but under Ancelotti.

-BABY CRYING

-Did you hear that?

Yeah, must have just started, sweetheart. OK...

-I'll get it, shall I?

-Yeah all right then, babe.

Then what I'm going to do is use Jack, centre,

floating in mid-defence, use Fat Boy and Max,

get them to do the traditional midfield role. D'you reckon?

Tyler and Anthony down the front cos they can talk to each other,

-and then I'll stick Ray in.

-No, no, me.

-Yeah, OK.

OK, Billy, OK you're down there, I need to bring Anthony midfield.

Then we'll do what Barcelona do when under pressure, which is?

-4-3-3.

-What?

-4-3-3.

4-3-3, we'll bring our strikers forward and I'll probably get

Anthony and Tyler down, probably get Tyler in the Messi role.

-Did you pay Roxy her money?

-Yes, all sorted, sweetheart.

Are you going to get that?

-Yeah, I'll get it.

-Yeah, good girl.

So, now, I might play Fat Boy and Max, I'll play them

in a wide traditional midfield position.

PHONE VIBRATES

And Jack, as I said, keep him on defence.

I need you just in front of Masood,

while Anthony and Tyler play up front.

I'm playing up front, aren't I?

No, no, Billy you can't play up front,

I need you just in front of Masood, right.

'I can't hold her, Michael, I can't. I can't hold our daughter.

'And I can't do this without you.

'I need you here.

'Please!'

BABY GURGLES

Night night, sweetheart.

-BATTERING ON DOOR

-Help! Billy?! Billy?!

-Please! Pops!

Hey, hey, what's the matter?

-Pops! Pops!

-All right, I'm here, I'm here, I'm here. Hang on.

-There you are.

-Thank God, thank God, thank God. Where were you?

-I just stopped off at the pub.

-It was awful.

We were trapped, I thought we was going to die

and everyone was going to think I was fat.

It's all right, it's all right.

I'm really, really sorry. You'll never have to ground me again.

-I'll do exactly what you say.

-I'm glad about that.

Bill, could you get my phone for me please? In the kitchen?

-You can get it yourself, can't you?

-Do as you're told, Billy.

All right.

-Here you are.

-Are you serious?

I'll keep him busy.

I've probably got enough pairs of jeans.

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