09/08/2012 EastEnders

Come sit down.

You alright?

He said anything?

Yeah,

been chewing my earhole off all morning.

Come on, Ian, let's get you back to bed.

SHE LAUGHS

-What?

-Just that sentence. Never thought I'd hear you say that.

-She all right?

-No.

She's cold. I can't seem to get the temperature right.

-She looks all right to me...

-You can't tell just by looking.

Room's meant to be eighteen, and it says sixteen on here.

-Do you want... a cup of tea, or something?

-No.

No, thanks. Just go back to bed.

Thank you, though.

Listen, can you stick the sound system outside? Cheers.

Beers in the usual place... ta.

MOBILE RINGS

Hello? Alfie Moon, multi-task award-winning champion of 2012,

what can I do for you?

What? Oh, really?

All right, mate. Not to worry. Can't be helped.

-Just breathe, breathe...

-You stressed?

-Stress?

I don't do stress. It's not in my vocabulary. This cook-off will go without a glitch.

# Money made in heaven...#

Sounds good to me!

Stick a tenner down for me on Ray.

Right.

No, no.

Please... are you doing a book on this? What's the matter with you?

Did I not tell you about the journalist from the Gazette who'll be here all day?

This is supposed to be a PR exercise

for Ray's grub, not some sleazy tabloid story...

Oi! Chill out!

It's not as if she's tapping phones, is it?

OK, OK. Just let me breathe, breathe... Love you.

Breathe, Alfie, breathe. Perfect, mate! Lovely.

Hey, hey. All right, Fats?

-How you doing?

-All right.

You might as well engrave my name on that trophy right now, rude boy.

Actually, it's a certificate, courtesy of the lovely Jean Slater.

-I thought you were doing chicken burgers or something?

-The idea is to kind of...

All right, Dr Poppa?

Will be, once you've put this on.

Serious?

He's a huge beard

and he refuses to wash. Just sits there staring at the wall.

Probably wise, living at Phil Mitchell's.

That's another thing. They hate each other. Why would he stay there?

Tell you, I would not mind being a fly on that wall!

Isn't there a rule about Ramadan and gossiping?

I am not gossiping!

I am simply being a concerned neighbour, that's all.

Whose idea was it to enter a cooking competition during Ramadan?

When you've finished this, can you go to the restaurant and get napkins

-then come back and chop onions.

-Tamwar,

I'm relying on you today to be my sanity. OK?

Why's it such a big deal for her, anyway?

Clue's in the word "competition".

-All right, Del?

-All right, Masood?

Oh, I'm having some of that, Jean!

Put me down for a tenner!

-Oh, thanks, Derek. It's all for a good cause.

-Forget the cause,

I'd pay good money to see Shirley Carter hanging from a rope.

PHONE RINGS

Yes? Yes, Jean!

How am I feeling? Terrific.

I'm feeling just terrific.

Yes. OK. I'll see you later.

You all right?

I want you to stay at home and watch him today.

-On my own?

-No, thought I'd draft in the army!

I got to concentrate on Shirl's big day. And no more going walkabouts.

You could help me...

Is Bobby at his mate's all day?

Uh-huh.

Then...just think what we could be doing with our day, eh?

You, me...

your house.

Your empty house.

After the competition.

And you can help me set up the stall.

Why's all this mean so much to you anyway, eh?

Is it your old man?

This has nothing to do with him.

This is about me and my future.

And no-one is going to get in my way.

All right, yeah. What time?

-Lovely.

-DOOR CLOSING

I gotta go.

-Who was that?

-Boxing agent.

-Gotta go.

-How long are you going to be?

Couple of hours, all right?

Sauce?

Oh! Oh, yeah, nice one, I'm starving.

You sit down. Let's have some breakfast.

No, Janine's fine. I think she'd appreciate it, that's all.

I don't know, Michael. I'm not sure.

Good man. Just make it seem casual, yeah? Like I didn't say anything.

So, she's gone completely mental then?

I dunno.

Pops, just wait here one minute.

Eh? Where you going?

If you wanted a dictionary definition for Sod's Law

-this would be it, right here.

-Don't be so defeatist, babe.

It's London Memorabilia, Christian. For the Olympics.

I know what it is! So?

So, we'll have get selling.

Please, if I'm going to stand any chance of saving this from being an outright disaster...

I would if I could but I've agreed to be a judge for the cook-off now.

Great, I suppose I've got to get Yas ready

-for the baby competition as well?

-Look on the bright side - end of the day you'll be £500 better off.

Yeah, with a mum declaring World War Three.

Would you like a leaflet for the baby contest?

-OK.

-Thank you.

Lexi, we're going to be rich! We're going to be rich, look!

Hey, you! Fancy being my chief head tast...?

Kim? Kim!

-Seen Shirley?

-No, why?

She is all right, isn't she? About the abseil?

She's gone AWOL.

AWOL? What d'you mean AWOL?

-I've got £600 sponsorship money here! Where AWOL?

-I don't know.

That's generally what it means, don't it?

BABY CRYING

-Shh.

-She's really grown, ain't she, Janine?

-Proper little smasher, ain't she, Lo?

-Why aren't you working?

-Community Day, ain't it?

-Last time I checked it wasn't a public holiday.

We only popped over to say hello. I mean, if it's a bad time...?

Come on, please, baby. Shh.

-You've just had a feed.

-Probably stressed.

-What?

-Stress.

When you're stressed they sense it and it stresses them out...

Well, I'm not stressed!

-That's not what Michael says.

-Shh... What? Has he sent you over here?

No, no, he didn't send us over, he just, sort of, pointed us in the right...

I do not need checking up on, all right? I'm doing just fine.

I'm... I'm adjusting.

Shh, shh.

They don't like it when you shout.

See, there you go.

Right, well, we'll leave you to it then.

It's funny, innit? When you have a baby? Everyone starts cooing.

It's not like she's baby Jesus or anything, is it?

-Well, we'll be off, Janine.

-W... See ya.

Ooh, Billy...

DOOR CLOSING

..you've forgotten something.

Oh!

What you doing here?

How'd you get in? Is Patrick here?

Shirley?

Shirley, has something happened? What's wrong?

So, you're still at the boxing gym?

And you're going to be there for a while longer, yeah?

No.

No, we're OK.

Yeah. Bye.

How would you like...to go and find Daddy? Hmm?

PHONE BEEPS

Right, here you go.

Nice cuppa for ya.

Is that a picture of Carly's baby?

No. No, it's a video actually.

I'll show it to you.

Ain't it amazing, all the things you can do with a phone nowadays, innit?

Only got a few pictures of Libby and Chelsea at that age.

Here, watch this!

Watch, he looks like he's saluting, look.

-Shirl, maybe I can have a word?

-I gotta go.

-Shirl, I've...

Just before we start our cook-off, specially for the boys and girls,

we have a visual treat for you.

Will you please welcome the one and only Fats the chicken!

LAUGHTER, CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Does a wonderful omelette!

It's not a fancy dress, mate!

-Takes some stuffing, innit?

-Keep it clean, Derek.

Happy, are ya?

Right, everybody, we're about to start our Walford Olympic Cook-off.

-'Ere, what's the odds on your man Ray, there?

-We're not doing bets...

Oi, I'll give you two to one for that.

-Mo, what's the matter with you? We're not doing that today.

-Shut up!

This is family entertainment Once you've tried our culinary delights

if you'd like to wash it down with some fine lager,

then please make your way into the world famous watering hole known as the Queen Victoria!

-Can we get on with it, please?

-Yeah, all right, darling, OK.

-So, are we all ready to start?

-CHEERING

OK, let's see if our contestants are ready.

First of all, we've got beautiful Lucy Beale.

-Are you ready, Lucy?

-Yeah, I'm ready.

-Lucy's ready.

Fats, the chicken, are you ready?

Good to go, brother, good to go!

-Yes, I am ready.

-Zainab's ready, everybody.

And, of course, last, but by no means least, everybody,

from the Queen Victoria - the one, the only, Ray Dixon!

CHEERING AND BOOING

So, are we ready to start?

We're going to have a countdown from three to one. Are we ready?

Three...two...one...

Start cooking!

-Come on, Zainab!

-Go on, Fats!

-Come on, Ray!

Here you go, mate.

Ian?

Ian, you upstairs?

DOOR CLOSING

Has Shirley come back here?

What's happened?

I only took my eyes off him for a second, right? Just a second, Dad.

You find Beale and I'll look for Shirley, all right?

Go on, go and find him!

What is your father doing mucking around like that?

He's got to get Kamil ready for the baby competition.

Probably wishing he'd taken that job!

What?

Er, nothing.

No, no, you definitely said something, Tamwar.

HE SQUEAKS

Now you just made a noise.

What noise?

"Eh"!

"Eh"? It's not a word, is it?

I know that but I am not the one making incomprehensible noises

just to irritate his mother. Now explain to me, what does "Eh" mean?

It...

Tamwar?

OK...

Dad got the job...

but he didn't take it because he knew that

you'd think you couldn't afford the pay cut.

-Really?

-Yeah, I'm going to get some napkins.

Janine? Ahh!

-Oh, she is adorable.

-Er, is this Pat?

Erm, Scarlett...

-She don't look like you.

-Babies don't look like their parents.

It's just one of those things that people say

because essentially all they're looking at

is a really stupid food and waste machine.

That's cute, Tam. Cute.

Hey, babe, hey.

Can you give her some space, please? She's not really used to crowds.

Hey, shh.

It's OK.

Shirley?

I'm just testing the suspension.

What you so afraid of? Eh?

Might have something to do with that 50 foot drop.

The geezer from the sports centre's going to be there.

-It's perfectly safe.

-What you saying, that it's all in my head?

Yeah.

And THAT is not going to help.

Look at me...

..I'm hiding in the back of a car like some loon.

Pathetic.

I don't even know who I am any more.

Who am I, Phil?

You're Shirley Carter.

Who's she?

I used to know who I was...

..used to be a best mate...

..Hev's best mate. I was good at that - sometimes...

..but now I'm no good at nothing.

You're a mum.

-Pfft!

-What?

Carly's just had a baby.

Guess who got the proud title of grandmother of the year?

I'll give you a clue...

it wasn't me.

You've got Ben and Jay...

-they think the world of you.

-As if.

What d'you mean?

Every time I walk into a room, they walk out.

Look, don't say that I'm imagining it.

Hev dying...

..it changed something in our house...

..we're not like a family any more.

They need you.

It's you they look up to now.

-We could change that...

-How?

-..we can work on that.

Oh, no, you don't, Shirley Carter! You're coming with me.

Come on.

-Right, so, what's your verdict, Michael?

-I like what I see.

Very nice. Like the lady herself - juicy but with a nice tarty edge.

-Oi, watch it.

-Oi, oi, oi, oi!

-Very tasty indeed, Lucy.

-Oh, hello, all right, Janine?

Oh, ho, ho, ho! Someone's been caught bang to rights?

CROWD: Ooh!

# Someone's in the dog house! #

CROWD LAUGHS

Right, where were we?

Janine, what's wrong?

Alfie rang me this morning, he really needed the help.

-Where's the harm?

-Oh, I bet you leapt at the chance

to salivate over Lucy Beale's tarty apples.

I mean, it's not like her body resembles a battle ground.

Have you heard yourself? It's a cooking competition.

I know. So why did you lie?

Frankly, with the way you're behaving at the moment, it's simpler.

And you've been bad mouthing me behind my back.

-To who?

-Billy Mitchell, of all people!

-Why you doing that?

-Because I need the toilet.

Go home then.

I don't want to leave Scarlett. OK, just don't go anywhere.

£734.05, isn't it wonderful?

Oh! That's £739.05... Shirl?

Open this door.

-No.

-Oh, please open this door now,

-otherwise I swear I'm going to kick it down.

-Go on then!

Oh! Just, please, I need to use that toilet!

Is this some kind of trick? Jean Slater put you up to this?

No! Just open the door!

Janine, you can huff and puff as much as you like.

I'm not going to open the door!

-You all right?

-No.

No, I am not all right, actually.

I've been up all night, I've got a bladder the size of a pea,

my husband is outside eyeing up women half my age

and I'm here about to WET myself,

and to top it all off, I'm a terrible mother.

You going in or what?

Come on, then!

And also, may I remind you that inside The Queen Victoria

the love of my life will be serving the finest ales and wines in the kingdom -

quote me on that, will you?

-Where's the guy with the kit?

-Right, I'll call him.

-Have you seen Michael?

-No.

No, no, come on, man. You can't go now, man -

-you're my lucky mascot, babe.

-Really?

Come on now, Kim!

You can't! It's not my fault that you've got your wires crossed.

Look, you go through my stuff and you're angry with me?

I never mentioned anything about us moving in.

No, cos that would mean you'd have to take me seriously

and I'm just a walking punchline to you, innit?

Now you're just being foolish.

You know how I feel about you.

-Don't do that.

-What?

That female thing.

Oh, my goodness! His pan is burning - any water?

See, care more about your food than you do me.

-Do you know what, Kimberly Fox? Yeah.

-What?

You are the most annoying woman on the face of the planet.

Really?! Well, I...

Come here, quick!

CHEERING

Right then, guys, if I can get everybody into a nice, neat line

for the competition to start.

-Didn't know Lexi was entering?

-Yeah, just decided this morning.

She looks cute...for a baby.

So does Amy. Is she wearing make-up?

Bit of blusher - Yasmin's wearing mascara.

She's got naturally long lashes, actually, she takes after her dad.

Well, before you say anything, no, Kamil's not wearing lipstick,

although he is partial to a bit of nail polish, aren't you?

Did Michael come in here?

Yeah, I think so.

-You all right, Janine?

-(No.)

-Janine? What you doing?

-Where is she? Where's my baby?

Just over there.

-Hi.

-Just had a nappy situation to deal with.

I...

I just thought...

What? What'd you think?

-Why can't you trust me?

-(I do.) I...

I do, I'm just tired, OK.

Well, go home then, get some sleep.

-Yeah, what about Scarlett?

-What about her? We'll be fine together.

Leave her with me.

Erm...

I don't...

I think you should just...

OK.

-I'll see you at home then.

-Yeah.

BELL RINGING

Thank you. Right, the winner of the most beautiful baby competition -

bar Tommy of course - is...

-..Lexi Pearce.

-Get in!

APPLAUSE

Congratulations, darling!

-Do you realise what that means, Pops?

-Yeah, savings account.

Shopping spree!

OK, everybody, if you'd like to gather round, that's it,

because our judges have been tantalising their taste buds

and I do believe Christian has come up with a winner.

-I have indeed.

-Thank you, sir.

OK. If I open this little envelope

and announce our winner,

here, on the official Olympic Walford Cook-off the winner is...

-Actually, what we'll do is...

-Oh, come on, Alfie!

I got money riding on this. Come on!

I want to build up the tension, OK?

And the winner of the cook-off...

..is the one and only, from Cindy's cafe,

for her Apple Surprise, Lucy Beale!

Congratulations, Lucy. Hey, better cluck next time, Fats.

Zainab, you did a good job, dar... Sweetheart, will you stop!

Masood, have a word with your missus! Raymond, next time keep your eye on the food, all right?

-Hey, mate, I've got my prize right here.

-Yeah, OK, whatever.

Anyway, we got a little something special for you

and this is from Jean.

She's put it in a frame as well. That's specially for you.

Oh, and some pictures. Here, Christian get in.

Everybody get in for the picture for the Gazette.

Lovely.

Right, Lucy, is there anything you'd like to say?

Yeah, for a matter of fact.

I know you're meant to thank people in these speeches

but, frankly, that would be a lie.

I did this all on my own, so I thank myself.

Wow, what about that? One more time,

Lucy Beale, from the now famous Cindy's Cafe!

Maybe one day you'll make pancakes in the Vic.

So, Yas didn't win?

Well, she's still as gorgeous as her dad in my eyes.

This is serious, Christian.

Without that money I can't afford to keep the stall going.

And the bank might have come through to pay customs

but there's no way I'm going to break even.

Can't you ask Tanya for your old job back?

No, I'm not going backwards, I need to keep going.

Meaning?

I dunno yet.

What's this I've heard about?

The abseil being cancelled or something?

The tech's wife double booked.

You tell him, you tell him to get down here now

-or Phil'll kneecap him and his wife.

-The kit is in France.

A teenage boy with leukaemia is abseiling down the Sacre-Coeur.

-Who?

-Listen, am I announcing it's cancelled, or what? I don't know.

It's so annoying!

It means I'll have to hand ALL this sponsorship money back.

That's George's money! That ain't right!

You can still do what you said you was going to do,

-just by going up on the roof and standing there.

-Yeah.

Oh, that is brilliant. That's brilliant!

Cos that way we get to keep the sponsorship money

and you, most importantly, get to face your demons.

On one condition...

you come with me?

So, we didn't win...the business'll pick up

and I promise we'll put some money aside for Tam's future,

whatever he decides to do.

-And then there's the wedding...

-I want you...to take that job, Mas.

Tamwar told me.

Oh.

Well, we can't afford the pay cut.

Life isn't about earning pots of money,

or winning competitions, or even big weddings.

It's about the every day things.

And if it make you happy...then it'll make me happy.

Or you could do both?

Right, now, as you're aware, everybody,

Shirley is facing her worst fear - the fear of heights.

Ladies and gentlemen, she's doing this for a very, very good cause...

-This way.

-..for little George's future

and Jean's there, make sure you stick some more money in.

-Dig deep, everybody...

-Missing quite a view up here!

-Come on, Shirl.

-Ah!

-Come on, you can do it.

..we should give her a bit of support? Come on, everybody.

-Shirley...

-ALL: Shirley, Shirley...

-This way, just a few more steps.

-Come on, Shirley!

-Come on, Shirley!

-Come on, Shirley!

No! No, not you, Phil!

Mind you, a few people might want to see you jump!

No, we want Shirley!

ALL: Shirley, Shirley, Shirley...

Stop, stop, stop! I don't owe you nothing.

-I burnt my food because of you!

-That's because you can't cook.

What you talking about, "can't cook"? I'll cook you!

-Really?

-Yes, really!

-You going to cook for me?

-You know what, you talk too much. Don't worry about it.

-Really?

ALL: Shirley, Shirley...

Come on, Shirley. Keeping us waiting!

You can do it.

Yes, you can!

Look, I know you haven't got Hev any more but you've got me.

I can be your best mate now.

Just got to trust me, that's all.

Come on, give me your hand. Give me your hand!

YES!

Let's hear it for Shirley Carter!

# There's only one Shirley Carter! One Shirley Carter...

Open your eyes.

-Open your eyes!

-Well done, sweetheart!

-You did it. You did it!

-Give us a wave!

I did it!

Go on, Shirley!

CHEERING

Marry me?

What?

Phil Mitchell...

..will you marry me?

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd