17/12/2012 EastEnders

Daddy? Daddy?! Where is he?

-Hey!

-There he is! Looks great, don't he?!

-Brilliant!

Knock 'em dead at the playgroup. Go on then.

Look at you - like Santa's number one elf. Hey! Good boy.

Where's my kiss? Where's my kiss? Mwah!

-Thank you.

-You all right?

-Yeah, yeah...course.

No, you're not.

-HE SIGHS

-Listen, Kat...

It's all right, Alfie, I know...

I didn't realise it meant so much to you.

-I was just trying to save you the hassle.

-Leave off,

you bottled it, ain't you? How could you?

-He's my brother an' all, ain't he?

-No. No, I've got stuff to do today.

I thought you were staying in to help me out with the seating plan. What are you doing here? No,

you're not allowed in this house today. I'm getting my dress delivered!

-What if you'd walked in and seen it? That'd be bad luck.

-OK!

-Yeah, so's having Derek as your best man.

-You heard what he's done?!

-Course she has!

-And you're OK with this?

Look, right now it's the least of my worries. Out you go please boys. Out.

-See you later.

-Bye.

-Get a spot of lunch, shall we?

Seven years yesterday, wasn't it?

-Yeah.

-I miss her as well.

She was the only person that never judged me. She always saw the best.

She loved you.

-She said we were lucky that we found each other.

-Yeah?

Never really got over losing your granddad so young.

That's why she used to say we should grab hold of what we got and never let go.

You know, Kat, I've been a little bit...

It's all right. Don't be daft.

TOMMY SHOUTS

Oh no! That hat's only just tacked.

I haven't finished sewing it properly.

-You've done a great job, Jean. Look, he loves it.

-He couldn't wait to get it on. He was so excited.

Well, he's at the right age to start appreciating Christmas, isn't he?

-Mmm.

-To take it all in.

-JEAN LAUGHS

You know what? We are going to make this the best Christmas ever!

-Alfie?!

-We're going to do him proud, Kat!

Three quid. Three lousy quid for a morning's work! I've had my fingers in greasy hair,

-split ends in me face...

-People are cutting back ain't they.

-Lola had over a tenner in her tips jar!

What are you doing back here for lunch?

They sent him home. The boiler packed up.

Listen, they rang about Tiff going back next term.

She needs new school shoes and a blazer.

Nana Carol says she'll get onions if she don't get a new pair.

Bunions, Morgan. Just take 'em, will you.

-I found these, by the way.

-Yeah, we have ages to pay them.

-No we haven't, B!

-Listen, don't worry.

You'll get wrinkles, all right?

I'm going to make a mint this afternoon. Just you wait and see.

-Can I have a cup of tea, please?

-Er, hello! There is a queue.

-Sorry, I didn't realise you were waiting.

-Oh, really?!

Why do you think we're standing here then?! Honestly!

Young people, no respect these days.

Marie, come on, I asked for two iced buns 20 minutes ago!

Tinsel! Come and get your tinsel. Best of British!

Yeah, nussknackers, nussknackers, come get...

Erm... Every home should have a set.

-Derek's going to love this. We got it in the bag!

-Oh, you think so, Tyler?!

-Let me tell you something, young man! Me and Fats here, right we've got a plan.

-What? We have?

Yeah. Yeah, we have got a plan.

Oh yay, oh yay! People of Walford! All right, kids?

Lend me your lugholes!

Cos in case you haven't heard,

tonight in the Queen Vic there will be a German extravaganza!

A party to kick off your Christmas festivities. Be there, or be...

something much less boring. Ja! Listen, Mr Beale,

do me a favour, my friend. Could you sort out me...

-IN A GERMAN ACCENT

-..a brace of your finest orangen und zitronen for Jean's gluhwein.

-Do what?!

-Oranges and lemons!

-Thank you! He knows what I'm on about! Mas, you coming tonight?

-I don't see why not?

Typical. Just because it's Christmas, everyone has to get drunk.

-Thanks anyway.

-Cheers mate.

-See you later.

Sorry.

-Oi, Joey, Joey! You couldn't do us a favour and help us move some stuff in the Vic?

-Oh, no mate.

Please? I'll make it worth your while. Good lad. Yes. Good. Come on.

Oh, you got to get her the right ones, B.

Getting bullied over the wrong buckle!

No, the playground is a very unforgiving place.

Yeah, my Tiff's got really expensive taste, an' all.

Like my sister. You should see her Christmas list, I mean...

It's hardly the same thing! My kid needs shoes on her feet!

-Why don't you just get a pair from the market?

-And have 'em fall apart in two weeks?

Well, I hope you were satisfied with your experience at Booty today. Lovely, follow me down.

-Excuse me, what do you think you're doing?

-She put it in the wrong jar!

-I'm the one who washed her hair.

-And I'm the one that done her nails!

-So I think you'll find that's my money.

-SHE SCOFFS

-Up West? Now?

-It'll be heaving...

-SHE SIGHS

-Yeah, I just want to get away from this place.

-Why?

My mum's turned into Bridezilla and it's wedding hell at my house.

-Please?

-Well I'm working.

Yeah well, that's what Marie was invented for! Please, Lucy?

All right. Give me a half hour.

There we go, that's done. Lovely. All right, buddy, how you doing?!

Joey, over here, mate. Good lad!

Now I'm sure that's missing an umlaut.

Well if I find one, I'll let you know.

-What's all this?

-Oh, hello, sweetheart!

-IN A GERMAN ACCENT

-Wilkommen to The Yuletastic German Christmas market!

Credit where it's due, sweetheart!

Our German cousins may be known as a bunch of deckchair-stealing bureaucrats,

but they know how to put on a Christmas! What are you pulling faces for?

-You wanted to boost profits!

-The tills weren't exactly ringing when you tried this last!

-OK!

That was just a rehearsal. But this is the real thing!

Look at the concentration on Jean's face making gluhwein.

And over there, I've got my top chef doing the strudel and the Schweinshaxe.

-Roast pork.

-Thank you! Roast pork.

And I've got the hostess with the mostest, my beautiful wife,

the friskiest fraulein this side of Frankfurt! Right that goes there. Look at that.

-You all right, boss?

-Yes. Lovely.

-You want these. Yeah?

Hold on a minute, this is about drumming up

-business for your stall, isn't it?

-Oi, how dare you!

Are you accusing Alfie Moon of cashing in on Baby Jesus' big day?

-Never.

-Never!

-You've perked up since Friday. What happened with you and Michael?

-You know what it's like.

Just a little misunderstanding between me and him.

But if he pops in, tell him he can have a pretzel on the house!

Here you are, Joey, let me give you a hand there mate. Lovely... Thank you.

-I earned that money fair and square!

-So did I!

-So, you done her nails!

Big deal! I've got her dandruff under mine! I should get danger money, I could've caught something!

-Ladies, I think I should call Tanya!

-Maybe she liked her nails more than her hair.

-I need that cash!

-And so do I!

-You have not got kids relying on you.

Looking forward to Christmas with a cardboard tree.

We ain't all got Phil bankrolling our kids.

SHE SIGHS

Yes, it can.

THEY GIGGLE

Er, no, no we're not staying. I'm just looking for my tube pass.

Oh, well don't mind me,

I mean I can stuff 75 of these on my own.

-It's only my wedding after all.

-Ah! Got it.

Course, if you were to help me out for a couple of hours,

you know you might not even need that pass.

You could treat yourself to a cab into town,

or maybe just have a little bit more cash to spend once you get there? I'm just saying...

We may as well!

-MUSIC PLAYS

-Tamwar, will you turn up the heating, please?

It's freezing in here.

Or you could just put some clothes on.

You would begrudge your poor hard-working mother some me time?

No, but I do have a shift at the Minute Mart.

Why do you have to be so miserable all the time?!

You know what, you're disturbing my relaxation, OK?

KNOCK ON THE DOOR

KNOCK ON THE DOOR

Whoever it is, get rid of them!

SHE SINGS ALONG TO THE MUSIC

SHE SINGS ALONG OUT OF TUNE

-Um...

-What?!

-We have a visitor.

Aunty-ji?

-Oh.

-Hello...

-Hello.

..again. Erm... I'm Ayesha.

Ah!

ROWDY CHATTER

Sorry, that's definitely not one of ours.

People losing stuff all over the place, it's turning into a lost luggage depot!

-Must be something in the gluhwein.

-That'll be it. Right, 20 quid?

CHEERING

APPLAUSE AND WHISTLING

I told you, they can't keep their tongues in their heads!

I always fancied meself as a Bavarian maid!

Yeah?! You're the only one who does!

Ah!

-And I should make meself a few extra Deutschemarks!

-CHEERING

Thought we'd get in the spirit of things. Don't you like it?!

CHEERING

Yeah... drop dead gorgeous, innit?

-Guten tag, Derek!

-Well, if it ain't Angela Merkel!

Oh, you cheeky schwein!

DEREK LAUGHS

I can see what you're up to, Alfie, eh?

But you ain't going to beat me.

All is fair in love, and market stalls, Derek.

Gluhwein?

Oh, well if that's German for wood varnish, no, thank you very much.

And I want these signs taken down.

My brother's stag do's going to be a British affair.

-Why? What's going to be happening then?

-Oh, I don't know, could get messy.

-Good, cos he needs to let his hair down, while he's still got some!

-Eh, eh, cheeky, all right!

-All right, Del?

-Oh, all right?

I ain't got long. What's happening? You heard from 'em?

Right, I've phoned them up and I've stalled them, right.

I've kept 'em sweet. But for how long, I don't know.

-And I need to borrow a motor off of you as well.

-Oh, yeah?

-Mick The Wig's got us a nice parcel of cigars.

-Oh, right.

Cuba's finest. And a few little extras thrown in.

-One of 'em used to be a gymnast.

-HE LAUGHS

I'm not going to let you get hitched without giving you a good send off, am I?

-No, it's your way or no way, innit, Derek?

-I just like things done properly, Jack.

You ain't still sulking about this Sharon business are you?

-It's got nothing to do with you!

-When it comes to family, it's got everything to do with me.

-Don't even mention her name again, do you understand me?!

-Del, Del!

You want to grow up a bit.

No, it's not mine. I'm very good with keys.

Got a feeling for the nodules.

You know, if I was to suddenly and tragically go blind,

-I could still open my front door.

-Oh, that's good.

-What you got there then?

-Is it yours?

No. It ain't mine.

-Have you got a sec?

-Who, me?

-Yeah. Important business, love!

-Where you going?

-Oh, never you mind, love of my life! Never you mind!

Sharon's popping round later, she's going to have a sneaky look at the dress. That's if it ever turns up.

-What's it like?

-What's it like? Oh, I dunno.

It's hard to describe, actually, it's sort of, it's, um...

It's white.

You could at least pretend to be interested.

Well, I love weddings. Not that I'll ever get married.

Oh don't be silly. You're still young. There's plenty of time yet.

-Meet someone lovely!

-And live happily ever after cooking and cleaning for him like Mum.

No, I've decided. You can never, ever trust a man.

Ever.

I thought she wasn't coming for another three weeks?

How could you let her in, how could you let her see me like that?

I'm supposed to be her chaperone. Where are you going?!

Work.

Step away from the tie.

You are not leaving me alone with her, OK?! That would be very rude. Now here, carry this. Hold it.

-And fix your face!

-My...? Wow.

-More tea, Ayesha?

-Oh, yeah, thanks.

I really would like to apologise for our earlier...misunderstanding.

Oh, it's OK.

-What is it that you have there?

-The boy I've come to meet.

-He's in computers.

-So is Tamwar.

-I own a computer. It's not the same thing, is it?!

-He's always on the internet.

Really?

Not in a weird way...

I hope you don't mind us being here?

You did say in your email that I'd be welcome any time?

And that is true. Yes.

It'll give you a chance to see the sights, you know.

-Tamwar - he'll show you around, won't you?

-No, it's OK.

-Oh.

-SHE LAUGHS UNCOMFORTABLY

Well, I hope that you will enjoy your stay with us.

I mean, this is very nice, isn't it?

You know, we are one of the most respected families in this area.

FRONT DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES

Momma Bear, daddy-ji's home!

Woo-hoo! HE LAUGHS

Be honest, right, come on, what d'you think?

-They're beautiful. Perfect.

-Fats, what do you reckon mate?

-Oh, pengalicious, boss.

-Penga...? What's he on about? I don't know.

I'll take them, please. I'm going to try to get Kat a present every day leading up to Christmas.

-She's so lucky to have you.

-Well I think I'm more the lucky one.

Just don't see it sometimes, you know.

-Morgan, can you sing, please?!

-Everyone's laughing at us.

-Tiffany needs new shoes, OK?

-How's it going, Morgan?

-Rubbish!

-You could do with some more singers, really.

-Like who?

What do you mean, like...

OK, here we go.

Everybody, roll up, roll up, roll up, you can join, right here,

right now, the Walford Community Choir!

Yes, and if you do you get a free glass of gluhwein in the Vic,

for over 18s only, of course! Come on everybody, where are you?

-Oh hello, you called?

-You?!

Listen, I've got a voice like Beyonce.

Beyonce?! Behave!

Sorry, sorry.

Alfie, let me introduce you to the fifth member of Eternal

-that never was.

-Yeah well, they said they was going to call me for an audition!

Yeah, but how long were you waiting for Dee? How long?

Listen, let it go, yeah? Motown. No-town.

You got to hand it to 'em, what they lack in ability, they make up for in persistence.

-Come on Morgan, give us a beat! Come on!

-Come on, Morgan!

-MORGAN BEAT BOXES

-All right. Silent night, holy night!

Come on, Whitney, give us a song!

-# Silent night...

-The night is silent, it's a silent night, night, night!

# Holy night...

The night is holy, it's a holy night, night, night!

# All is calm...

Shhh, shhhh...

-SHE LAUGHS

-# All is bright...

It's all bright cos it's all right.

KAT LAUGHS

Single, married, married, bit of both ain't ya?!

LAUGHING AND CHEERING

Told you I was good! Right, who wants some more German beer? CHEERING

Ray, another two rounds down here, darling.

Losers!

She's got 'em wrapped round her little finger, ain't she?!

-The little minx.

-Yeah.

-Swallow any old tripe won't they, eh?

CAR RADIO PLAYS

# Fill my heart with song and let me sing for ever more

# You are all I...

Oh no, no, no. Come on lights, lights, lights....

-Change, change, change...

-Quick, follow him!

Come on, mate, honestly you ain't going to get it

cheaper anywhere else.

I tell you, that's the deal of the flamin' century, that is!

Time waster!

Move it! Go!

Go, get right up behind him.

Right, right, right, right.

TYRES SCREECH

Get him!

HE GASPS FOR BREATH

All right, all right, all right, all right, all right. OK. All right.

Long time no see, Derek.

I was beginning to think you was dead.

So where is he, eh? Where's that scumbag brother of yours hiding?

Look, can't we just talk about this, eh?

No.

All right then. Let's go.

Lola...

-Oh boss, them nussknackers they are flying off the stall! Man is on a roll!

-Nice one, Fats!

-This ain't fair.

-Loser!

-We should get you in that lederhosen.

-Not on your life, Mo.

-Fat Elvis only wore 'em a couple of times!

Oh leave him alone, Nan! Herr Moon!

-Hey, meine liebling.

-I got a message for you.

-Yeah? Who from?

-Me.

-Oh yeah? What?

-I love you.

-I love you too...

-CHEERING

-Don't mind me, will you.

Hold on a sec, that's for you. Where you going?

-You ain't finished yet, I need you to drop off some...

-No, I'm done. I've got work later.

-It's only champagne. Just down the road!

-Yeah. Big strapping lad like yourself.

-Yeah, strapping lad. Here you go.

-Right, go on.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah? OK. Now listen, the invoice for Max.

-Tell him it's in one of the cases, all right?

-Max?

Yeah, course Max. It's for the wedding, innit. Come on. Guten abend!

You know, you could help us.

-SHE SIGHS

-I told you, I'm allergic to weddings.

I used to feel like that, till I met your father.

I just knew... he was the one.

You can never be sure if any man's the one though, can you?

-Not for sure.

-Yeah, course you can!

-How?

I dunno... it's just little signs...

-Like what?

-It's the things they say, isn't it. Right Max...

Max does this thing... Right, he'll put his arm round me

and he'll tap me on the shoulder, like that. Bit like Morse code.

He always does it when we're watching the telly.

He says it's protective. I know... DOOR BELL RINGS

-I can tell, it's a sign...

-I'll get it.

It's champagne. Your dad ordered it.

-OK. Just put it down there.

-No, it's heavy.

Is that my dress, Lauren?

No! It's just some bloke with the champagne, it's all right,

-I'll deal with it.

-Thanks, love.

All right just come through here then, mate.

On the table's fine.

GLASS SMASHES

-No Lauren, don't pick it up like that. You're going to cut yourself.

-I don't need your help!

Ow!

Right, come on, let me have a look. Lauren, let me see.

HE LAUGHS

Come on, give it here. You'll live.

Just.

-There's an invoice in the box, yeah.

-Yeah.

You should go.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, right.

Take as long as you like!

I saw that photo she has.

That Rishta of hers, he's nothing special.

-Not a patch on our Tamwar.

-That's as maybe, but he is her suitor, Zainab.

Yeah, who may not be suitable.

Listen you - you have a real opportunity here, you know that.

You're quite a catch. All we need to do is fix this face of yours.

Oh yeah, that's all.

Maybe I should just get a transplant or something?

I mean, it's an option these days.

Or alternatively you could just smile, be welcoming.

I mean, why not?

Well, I'm still married to Afia. And I don't know if you saw her.

-But she's slightly out of my league.

-Listen, you're intelligent,

you have good prospects and you have an excellent family.

You are exactly her type.

-Oh hello. Ayesha, how was your room?

-It's lovely, thank you.

Lucy, are you ready to go or what?

Joey has a sign...

Does he?

Yeah, he doesn't realise he does it.

-But he does this with your hair.

-Oh. That's... interesting.

Alice told me.

He, um, he just does it to people that he loved.

I guess that's how I knew. Cos he didn't do it to me.

KNOCK ON THE DOOR That'll be my dress!

That can't be right. You seen this?

Oh yeah. You've done well, ain't you?

I ain't stupid and I ain't a charity case!

-I never said you was.

-Yeah well, I don't need your money.

-I ain't got a kid to pay for, remember?!

-Yes you have.

Just because she ain't with you, don't mean that you stop being a mum.

Listen, for the last couple of years I've been more without my kids

than I've been with 'em so I know what it's like.

The last thing you need is a mardy cow on your back.

Lexi'll be back with you before you know it.

So you're going to need every penny you can get.

How about we split it then. Tiffany's shoes, remember -

I ain't a charity case! Keep it this time.

Thank you.

B. B, we've got two clients asking after you downstairs.

-And they're big tippers!

-Look Mum, look!

You ain't been beggin', have you? Whit what have I told you?

No, we've been carol singing. We earned it.

-Tiff ain't going to get any onions!

-THEY LAUGH

Don't get jealous, girls, Ray's got plenty of meat to go round!

Well, I'm going to line my stomach for tomorrow's hen party.

Listen babe, thanks for helping Morgan out with the dancing

-and the singing. I appreciate it.

-That's all right.

Singing, is that what you call it now, is it?

Alfie, with all this German lark going on,

you're still doing the traditional English Christmas

-dinner, aren't you? Cos I've ordered your sprouts.

-Yes, yes I am!

You wouldn't want to miss Ian's sprouts, would you?!

-Kat, I love this place.

-Yeah, the smell of sweat and alcohol.

Yeah, packed pub. Can't hear yourself think.

-The old team are back.

-Oi, we never went away did we?

That's right. Here Jean, do us a favour sweetheart, will you hold

the fort while me and the missus go upstairs for five minutes?

-Of course! Take as long as you like!

-Lovely!

-What's happened to the key?

-It's gone, some bloke took it. Right!

-THEY SING CAROLS

-Someone's singing out of tune here!

LAUGHTER

That's a good engine, that! 1.8...

-Hello? Hello?

-HEAVY BREATHING

Close your eyes.

Open.

It don't make sense, Del.

I thought you told me you were just going to go and smooth things over!

I can't catch my breath. I'm getting too old for this game, Max!

-No, no, Del, I'm going to go and talk to 'em, all right.

-No, no, no!

-What do you mean no? Why not?!

-Why d'you think, why not?!

I took this to protect you, Max!

What do you think they'd do to you even if they heard your voice.

So what, Del. What am I supposed to do?

-Pay 'em! And pay 'em fast!

-Oh, Del, I can't pay 'em! What you talking about?!

-I'm getting married next week!

-You got 24 hours!

Yeah, stick the kettle on, babe, I won't be a sec.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd