18/12/2012 EastEnders


18/12/2012

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Transcript


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Wow! What are they? Yeah, they're stars, all right.

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What we'll do, we'll put them on the ceiling.

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And when they light up and they glow,

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that means I'm going to be thinking about you.

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I know. Keep them in the box, buddy.

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I'm so sorry...

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OK, OK.

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You all right? Did your mum do that?

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No, I did it. She'd be here by now, wouldn't she,

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if she was going to ice my cake for me?

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Come here. Don't worry about your mum. Or the cake.

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All that matters is me and you, saying our vows tomorrow.

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I know...

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If you want an 'I do' back, you better make sure you pay that

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travel agent the last instalment.

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I can't wait to get you on honeymoon.

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Mr and Mrs Branning again.

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Boys are going for romance, are they?

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No, the boys are going for the best stag do that Walford has ever seen!

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Ooh, that looks painful.

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As it happens, it was a rather amusing incident

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with a revolving door, Trace.

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Thought you did it at the boxing club?

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Shh. We don't want this lot round here knowing

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I'm not as fast with my fists as I used to be, do we?

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I can't believe this time last year it was just me, my mum and Joey.

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And now I've got all this family.

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I've got you, I've got aunts, I've got uncles, I've got cousins...

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And we're right at the centre of it, sweetheart, eh?

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Me as best man. You as the most beautiful bridesmaid.

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The Brannings are back as a family.

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-Except...

-Don't start.

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-Dad...

-Oh no, please, Alice.

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Just ask Joey to come,

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-just for Christmas lunch. Please?

-Oh no, no, no.

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Dad, then everything will be perfect.

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Right then, are you girls ready?

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I said we'd meet the rest of them at the salon before we go to the club.

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-Are we going to R&R?

-And I can definitely get in?

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Yeah. Yeah, it's all been cleared with Sharon.

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And Zainab's got Oscar, so we've officially got the night off.

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I'm going to have to get ready, then.

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Can you do my hair and make-up for me?

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Make me look nice?

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Yeah, course I can. Oh, good. So you don't mind then?

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Coming to a hen night with your old mum?

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No. No, I'm quite looking forward to it.

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How much?

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-For what?

-Lunch? One hour with your family, Christmas Day.

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I keep telling you, Derek, mate, you ain't family.

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For Alice then. She wants us all together.

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But Alice knows why I won't be there.

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So you'll spend Christmas on your own alone.

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Cos Alice, she'll be with me. She'll choose me, you know she will.

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Once she sees you for what you are, she will leave you, Derek.

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Do you understand?

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Here. Happy Christmas.

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Who was that?

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Salesman.

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It's Fats. He's just on his way to the stag...

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He made me this mix CD... I love this song.

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It's the bit out of Armageddon where he blew up.

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Do you think that means he likes me?

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Don't chase that one, Poppy.

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Happiness is a rich man in a tailored suit.

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Not a burger salesman in a shellsuit.

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No, no. Happiness is being in love...

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Anyway, shouldn't you be getting ready for the hen?

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Hey, Peroxide, thanks for coming in early, sweetheart.

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-That's all right, that's all right.

-Much appreciated.

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Look at this, what a lovely bouquet!

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I've added willow.

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Willow? All right...

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It is your ninth anniversary, isn't it?

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Yeah.

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You see, traditionally, you should offer a gift of pottery or willow.

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Now, willow can really, really bend, but it never breaks

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and that's you and Kat...

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Everything all right?

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Yeah, never better.

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Listen, girls, I need to ask you both a favour.

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I need to go away.

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This is the second hen of yours I've been to

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and I ain't had one yet.

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How do you get them all to propose and I'm still rockless?

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I have had three kids with the bloke. Not like I've just met him.

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It's like a movie, you and Max.

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Cos you were together and then you were torn apart

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-and now you're back together again.

-What movie would my life be?

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Home Alone.

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Is that stubble rash?

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Fatboy. You might be next down the aisle, Pops!

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No, no, that'd be me, yeah? I'm doing that sublim... That sublim...

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That mind thing, yeah? So when he's sleeping I whisper to him.

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"Propose. Buy diamonds..."

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-BELL RINGS Oh, that might be your mum, Tan.

-Oh, I doubt it...

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I told her to come. I did do the right thing?

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You better answer it, then.

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Girls, where are we off to then, eh?

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R&R.

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Again? That's where she had it the last time...

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I've got something special planned, Kim.

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-Better be strippers.

-We're going to go all sophisticated. If we can.

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I can do sophisticated! Yeah. If you'll excuse me, one needs...

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to wee!

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THEY LAUGH

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All right, Tan. Need a word. Wedding arrangements.

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Best we take it in private, eh?

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Nothing else needs paying for, does it, Derek?

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I've had it up to here with bills.

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I want you to make Joey leave Walford.

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-What?

-Now.

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No, hang on a minute, you can't come barging into my hen do

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and start giving me orders.

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Would you prefer me to barge into the local police station

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and tell them the truth about your drunk daughter?

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Derek, you told me to get Joey to stay and I did.

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Now things have changed. He's made it perfectly clear

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that he doesn't want to be a part of this family.

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Can't have a loose cannon running around.

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Hang on a minute, don't get me involved.

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I don't know what's going on, but I don't want to be involved.

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Oh, no, this is your family. Yours and your daughter's.

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No, listen, Derek, I...

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I don't know how you can stand there in front of Max,

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when you know that Joey's poisoning your little Lauren.

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-What kind of mother are you?

-A perfectly good one.

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That's why I'm going to go and spend my hen do with my daughters,

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and you're going to leave us alone.

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You're going to regret what you're doing to her.

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You were definitely the right person for the job.

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Morgan hated me practising my French plaits on him.

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I can't wait til my Lexi's hair's long enough to do all that kind of stuff.

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Tiff wants me to dye her hair blue - she's been watching The Simpsons.

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Can't wait for her to come back tomorrow. I really miss her.

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Sorry. Is everything all right with your Lexi?

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Yeah. She'll be home for Christmas anyway. Pops promised me.

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Kids...

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Even when I can't stand mine, I don't half love them.

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We can't all be lucky like you, can we, Mum,

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and have perfect kids like me?

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Well, girls, I hope you enjoy your little hen do.

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I can safely say that the stag's going to be

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-the better send-off though!

-There is more, Derek, all right?

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All right, Sharon. Why don't you take one of those...

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What do you call them, Alice? Chill pills.

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Dad, have you spoken to Joey? He's over at the R&R.

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Yeah, everything's under control. You have a good time tonight.

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No talking to strange men!

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We've got to be protective of our children, haven't we, eh, Tan?

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See you later, girls.

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-See you later, Derek.

-See you later, Daddy.

-Bye.

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Done.

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You like them? They're an apology.

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Why? What's happened?

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No, no, nothing - nothing has happened.

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-It's just, I've got to go on a trip.

-What sort of trip?

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I got a phone call about a load of cheap plonk

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coming off a ferry down in Plymouth,

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it's the party season and I can't miss out, OK?

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So, you going to be all right on your own for one night without me?

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You're going to be gone all night?

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But I'll make sure I see the stags in, but listen,

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it's a ten-hour round trip, I'll be lucky to be back by lunchtime.

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I can't handle the stag and the reception on my own.

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It's all right. I spoke to Roxy and Jean, they'll cover it for you, it's fine.

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And you, Kathleen Moon, because of my terrible abandonment,

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you can have the night off, all right?

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Treat yourself, yeah? OK.

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Here he is. Stag.

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Look, I'm not really up for tonight, Del.

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Not with all this hanging over me.

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What, you ain't paid up yet? Oh, Max.

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Give them the money. End this now!

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You've got no choice.

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I don't know, I've been thinking, Del,

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why don't I just tell Tan the truth?...

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You see this face, hmm? You see these bruises?

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I took these for you. To protect you.

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You want to do the right thing by Tanya, you pay them,

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stop this happening to yourself.

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Yeah.

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I'll take it.

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No, it's all right, Del. I'll go with you.

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No, no, I'm your best man.

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It's my job to deliver you to your wedding.

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You go to your stag. I'll sort it out.

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This is amazing!

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Well, being the manager does have some perks.

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Ladies, R&R, these gentlemen, consider them

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entirely at your hen night command.

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Woo!

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-Come here, you.

-Do you like it, Tan?

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THEY CHATTER

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BRASS BAND PLAYS IN DISTANCE

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Right, all stags shall remain correctly attired in stag outfits

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at all times, all right? Come on, Michael.

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All whisky shall be provided gra... What's that?

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-Gratis...

-That's in Latin. What does it mean?

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It means Derek's paying for it!

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-Wahey!

-Result!

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I don't even drink whiskey, but if it's free...

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As long as all stags refrain from mentioning the names of any female partners.

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He's only saying that because he ain't got one.

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Failure to comply with this will result in a forfeit of one round.

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And finally, what goes on a stag do...

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ALL: Stays on a stag do!

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Come on!

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Here he is!

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THEY CHEER

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-Shots!

-Yeah, shots, bring 'em in!

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Drive carefully, won't you?

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Always.

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Bye then, Kat.

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Does that lot know you're going?

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Uh, no, no, no. But you can tell them for me, yeah?

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Landlord? More drinks, please!

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So where is he, then? The great Derek.

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-He's on a job.

-Oh right,

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so the best man can't even be here for the start of the stag do?

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Jack, he looks out for me.

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Derek don't look out for no-one but himself.

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Ladies, take a seat please...

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Take a seat and Phillip Schofield move to the left,

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as there is a new host in town,

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as I give you this very special edition of Mr & Mrs To Be.

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THEY WHOOP AND CHEER

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Now we asked Tanya Cross

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what's her favourite part of Max's body.

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-Er, please. Daughters present.

-Now what did she say?

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I said his bum. His bottom. Cos it's sort of, bubble-like...

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Well, let's see.

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'What seriously? Favourite part of the body?'

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Steady, steady... Whey!

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A good peach, eh?

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Back to me. Now, question two.

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What is Tanya most proud of?

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Oh, that's easy. That's easy. That's my babies, isn't it?

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-ALL: Ahh...

-Lovely, lovely.

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My babies.

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Maximillion?

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'Well, besides batting way out of her league when she got me...'

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-Cheeky!

-'I'd have to say the kids..'

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ALL: Ahhh.

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THEY CHATTER

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-You did good there, Tanya.

-Very good.

-Yeah.

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Right, here we go!

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Oh, Trace.

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Winston, Winston, no Winston!

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-You know that!

-Karl?!

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Come on. Come on, Phil, play the game.

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-No Philipo, come on!

-You and Tracy?

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Ian! No way. She's a dark horse... She is one dark horse, man.

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BANTER AND CHATTER

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You lot need checks or something, all right? Seriously.

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The lot of you.

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-So is it done?

-All sorted.

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What, all of it?

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-I'll give you the details tomorrow.

-Thank you.

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Right. Now let's get this party started.

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Seeing as I'm the Best Man...

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..the night's on me.

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-CHEERING Where's Alfie?

-He's gone away.

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Business trip. He's gonna be gone all night.

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What we drinking, boys? What we drinking?

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OK ladies, ladies! Welcome back. Now, we asked Max,

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bit of a miserable one this one, Sharon, what makes Tanya cry?

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My dad. He'll say I cry about my dad.

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Well let's see. Sharon.

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'I'll have to say her dad.

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'And the fact he won't be there at her wedding.'

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'Well, you know, both our dads won't be there, so...

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'..his kid's wedding, you know.

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'It's the one day you want to see, innit.'

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'So, I'd say her dad.'

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He ain't good enough to be my son-in-law.

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It's all right for Kat, innit?

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I wish I had the night off to do what I wanted.

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Wish I had a man to sort it for me.

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Can we have the drinks? We're starting to sober up over here.

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I think you need to take the drinks over.

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I'm really sorry, but Shilton has got to be in it.

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What you talking about, Shilton?

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You've got a fantasy 11 and you haven't got Ray Clemence in goal?

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-Show some class.

-Class?

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Show some class? What do you know about class, eh?

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Jackie Bosch?

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Oi, oi, what's that about?

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Come on Del, it's my stag night, innit...

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-What's that about?

-Boys, Seriously, you know,

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I don't know if I could do fifty years of Kim.

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Sometimes I struggle to last fifty minutes, man.

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This girl right now, she's hissing weird stuff at me at night.

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-Forfeit!

-Forfeit!

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No talking about the ladies. No talking about women.

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That's the rules.

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Only cos you know you're gonna wake up on your own tomorrow.

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-Calm down the pair of ya.

-I'll put you over my knee!

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-Calm down will you, the pair of you.

-What's the matter with you.

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Calm down, calm down. Come on, boys, boys...

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Come on man, chill out, Chill out. Let's raise a glass. All of us.

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-All right. To married life.

-Married life.

-Married life.

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-And all who sink in her.

-Oh, come on, Ian.

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Eh, come on guys, to Max, to Max.

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MOBILE PHONE RINGS

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You knew about the scan, Mum.

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And you couldn't even be bothered to walk, what, 50 steps to my house?

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-Because I'm stubborn.

-You got that right.

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You're the same. We both are.

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We've both got the same Cross blood running through our veins.

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-How is she?

-She's all right

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-when you're not pouring drink down her neck.

-I was listening to her.

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She ain't as strong as you, Tan. She needs protecting.

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Well, thanks for the mother of the year chat, Mum.

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I am protecting her.

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I know that. I told her, to go easy on you.

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It ain't easy being a mum, is it?

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You don't know everything and you make mistakes.

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For the cake.

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# Oh, girls just want to have

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# That's all they really want... #

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-I know...

-Know what?

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That you love me...

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You're just scared. I get it.

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Because obviously you're gonna be worried about what people say.

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I'm scared.

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I'm scared because I love you too.

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Lauren...

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..it's over, all right? You know that, Lauren.

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We're over.

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# Some boys take a beautiful girl

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# And hide her away from the rest of the world

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# I want to be the one to walk in the sun

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# Oh, girls they want to have fun... #

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Oi Shazzarooni? I think I suit sophistication.

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This has been a decent hen night.

0:22:180:22:20

I reckon we could cope with a bit of tackiness though?

0:22:200:22:22

Oh, yeah, what have you got to see?

0:22:220:22:24

MUSIC: "You Can Leave Your Hat On" By Tom Jones

0:22:240:22:27

No, no!

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GIRLS SCREAM

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Ladies, make some noise!

0:22:340:22:36

ALL: Off! Off! Off! Off! Off! Off!

0:22:390:22:45

# Baby take off your coat... #

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I was wrong, Joey.

0:22:520:22:54

This is killing her.

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-What?

-You being here.

0:23:020:23:04

You know, I thought it would help, but it's not.

0:23:040:23:07

-It's hurting her.

-Look Tanya, I'd never hurt Lauren. You know that.

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I know that. I know. But I just mean, just by being here.

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Her having to see someone that she's in love with every day.

0:23:130:23:17

I can see it on her face, it's torture.

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How can she do it, eh? How can she ever forget you?

0:23:200:23:23

Do you know who I had today? At my hen?

0:23:250:23:27

Threatening her?

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Derek.

0:23:300:23:31

If he does anything to hurt her? Anything...

0:23:310:23:34

It's not her that he wants to hurt, is it, Joey?

0:23:340:23:36

It's you. Oh, Joey, he wants you to go.

0:23:360:23:41

And I'm sorry, I'm so sorry.

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You still love my daughter, don't you?

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Yes...

0:23:530:23:54

Then you need to help me.

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You need to help me protect her.

0:23:570:24:00

I'm sorry, Joey.

0:24:000:24:01

But if you love her then... Please. You've got to go.

0:24:010:24:05

# ..hat on, yeah. #

0:24:210:24:29

Are you kidding? Did I miss it all?

0:24:290:24:31

We could ask for an encore? Got any more songs?

0:24:310:24:34

That's all the men and booze I can arrange ladies.

0:24:340:24:37

But you are more than welcome to stay, all right?

0:24:370:24:39

-I need my Ray. Now. I need him now.

-He's at the Vic with Dad.

0:24:390:24:43

Yeah. so is Fats.

0:24:430:24:45

Let's tell Dad you're coming to the wedding Nan.

0:24:450:24:47

Yeah, shall we go and see them? Let's all go.

0:24:470:24:50

Yeah, come on then. Come on, girls. Sharon.

0:24:500:24:54

-Joey!

-What?

0:24:540:24:57

Don't deny it. Cos I know. I can feel it.

0:24:590:25:04

You do that thing, yeah, when you push my hair away from my face.

0:25:050:25:08

-I know what that means now.

-I can't do this, all right, Lauren.

0:25:080:25:12

Why? We're meant to be together.

0:25:120:25:15

No, no we're not. All right, Lauren, will you listen to me.

0:25:150:25:19

This ain't gonna happen. I'm leaving.

0:25:190:25:22

I'm leaving, Lauren, because we can't do this.

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I can't stay here with you. In Walford.

0:25:250:25:27

Joey? What did I do?

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Nothing. Nothing, Lauren. You've done nothing.

0:25:330:25:37

What's happened then? What's changed? Why are you going?

0:25:450:25:50

Will you just forget about me, please? Lauren, please.

0:25:500:25:53

I want you to forget about me, all right?

0:25:560:25:59

# ..Church on time. #

0:26:090:26:12

Wahey!

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Here you go, mate.

0:26:150:26:17

What, this it, is it? A few drinks at the local?

0:26:170:26:21

What's that? The best the Best Man can do?

0:26:210:26:23

Where you going? I thought you was having a quiet night in?

0:26:230:26:26

Thought I'd go to the hen night.

0:26:260:26:28

Here we go. Oi, oi!

0:26:390:26:40

So, which one of you has been a naughty boy?

0:26:400:26:44

Here, girls, over here. This is him.

0:26:490:26:52

He's been a very naughty boy. You punish him, girls.

0:26:520:26:54

Go on, punish him.

0:26:540:26:57

You know, finding someone who loves you so much that they want to

0:26:570:27:00

spend every single minute of the day with you must be wonderful.

0:27:000:27:04

Like Alfie, today, asking me to make

0:27:040:27:06

an exact replica of Kat's wedding bouquet.

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Just because he wasn't going to be here this evening.

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That couple. They're unbreakable.

0:27:120:27:14

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0:28:210:28:24

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