04/01/2013 EastEnders


04/01/2013

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-He's with her.

-What? No, don't be stupid. Just try him again.

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How hard, Abs? How hard have I got to try?

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It's Uncle Derek's funeral.

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Lauren's down the police station, God knows why,

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last thing I need is a paranoid mum!

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RINGING

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I can hear a phone. Can you hear a phone?

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There's hundreds of phones in Walford, Abs.

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No, no, no, I can hear Dad's phone!

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I love him, Lucy. I do! I'm completely in love with him.

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I only said that stuff to make you feel better.

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Lucy, Lucy, listen to me, right, you cannot prove anything!

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So if you go in there, I...

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We will both just say that you're lying.

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Caught me.

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Have you got heating in this car?

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I hope someone's keeping their eye on the time.

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Where are they all?

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-Joey, Joey, come here.

-There a problem?

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-DOOR SLAMS

-Carol, look, whatever you've forgotten, it'll keep. Carol?

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HE SIGHS

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Look, all we need to do is be there for Derek now, like you said.

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Abi!

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What's the hold-up?

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I don't know. Lauren's having some sort of drama.

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Another one?

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Well, you could borrow Whitney's.

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Yeah, I'm sure it's just been a mix-up, darling.

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Oh, yeah. Lauren and Lucy. And a police mix-up.

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Right, I'm going to have to go, Al. But I'll be back, don't worry.

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-Oh, Joey, promise me?

-All right.

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-Fatboy can drive.

-Whatever, mate. Trust me, won't you?

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Everything is about you, isn't it, Lauren?

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I mean, you sit on your backside doing nothing all day,

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just drinking your pocket money...

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I don't have to listen to this!

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You have no idea!

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Getting up when it is still dark, falling asleep over the accounts...

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Look, I wake up every morning still and I don't know

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if my dad's going to be there.

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Lauren, the one thing that I had to hang on to is that...

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I don't know, maybe once I get my head straight...

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He's not just a bloke, Lauren.

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What?

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You said... you said you didn't want Joey back.

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Yeah, and you said you were my friend!

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Lucy, please. Please, please don't wreck my whole life.

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You said you were my best friend.

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Carol, will you put your coat on, please, and do that later?

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Will you just shut up!

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BEEPING

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'I'm sorry. The number you have dialled has been disconnected.'

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I thought you were with her, you know?

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Yeah, I was.

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But it's fine. She's gone.

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Good.

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-Look, Carol had a word with her an' all.

-Oh, right, Carol did?

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Yeah. What was she sticking her nose in for? I was always going to tell her to go.

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-Don't need Carol forcing my hand.

-Oh, don't you?

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Did you think I was going to spend my life biting my tongue?

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None of us know how long we got, Max.

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Ain't it about time that sunk in?

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Our daughter is down the police station.

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If you ask me, Carol wants thanking, not bad-mouthing. I mean,

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you give a woman like Kirsty the tiniest bit of hope, right,

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the slightest bit of encouragement,

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and we are talking bunny boiler here, they never leave.

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Babe, all I gave her was her train fare home.

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Good. Finally.

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Maybe you give your wife a divorce and you and me

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could do more than just sleep in the same bed.

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-Will you two hurry up!

-No, I can't. Lauren's at the police station.

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Joey's gone. He'll sort it.

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Can't you let Lauren just stand on her own two feet for once?

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I have to be there.

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Do what you want. I'm going to find Jack.

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Uncle Derek cannot be late for his own funeral, Mum.

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See, even today, even today that man is pulling your father's strings

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like he's some sort of puppet.

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Right, we'll ring her in the car. Come on, we'll ring her in the car.

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Alice, you will be all right.

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A friend of mine once told me that

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the trick with funerals is to take one step at a time.

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You're so kind.

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No.

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Dad knew you were kind.

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Alice, you really...

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That's it, right?

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All else fails, you take a sniff of the lavender oil, yeah?

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Good girl.

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At last.

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If your beau gets a wriggle on, we'll nearly have a full house.

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Perhaps they're having a couple of private minutes together,

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brother and sister.

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It's traditional to follow the hearse at five miles an hour.

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If Jack walks fast, he can catch us up.

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Oh, come on. Drive on, eh?

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Carol, do me a favour. Can you deal with this later, please?

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How could he do that? Have you seen the date on this?

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Not to tell me. I mean, how could he?

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He knew how I felt. And Bianca. And the kids.

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David needed my help. He virtually begs!

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Do you know what kind of state he must be in to write this?

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Listen, we're going to leave the house now!

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Get off! All the times that I forgave Derek.

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All the allowances and the second chances. Poor little kid!

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Poor little kid, my eye! He was a spiteful bully.

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I mean, Derek got off on throwing his weight around, didn't he?

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I mean, seriously, Jack. Was there something mentally wrong with him?

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Yes, all right. Quite probably, Carol. It's quite probable, innit?

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But we can't go back, can we?

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And wishing it was any different.

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We only get one shot at it, don't we?

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I can't forgive him for this. I can't. I'm not coming.

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-You're not coming?

-No.

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Right, fine. That's your choice.

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Just remember. Regret ain't just a word, is it?

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Everything all right, Jay?

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Yeah.

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Er, a small tea, please?

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Cheers.

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Could try reversing, bruv.

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-Going down one of the one-ways if you want.

-No. No.

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No? OK. Do you want a mint?

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-Here, man, you could have a mint.

-I can drive myself.

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All right. It's OK, brother. Chill out. It's not a problem.

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I like a good conversation.

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I'm not saying I expect a conversation, you know.

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On a day like today. Your mind's in other places and that.

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And we don't want another crash, do we, so...

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You know, if you was Mo Farah, you could sprint that.

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So, why do you think Lauren's gone to the police station?

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Not that it's any of my business, you know.

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On a day like today.

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Brother, the amount of times I've wished my dad dead.

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Not really dead, obviously, you know.

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There is a big difference between wishing it

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and wanting it, ain't there?

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But my dad, man, he's a wreck.

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You know, I don't care what my life turns into

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as long as I don't turn into him.

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I texted him at Christmas, you know.

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Poppy made me so I texted him at Christmas.

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She's got the family and the socks and the cake and that.

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And I thought maybe, just maybe I could have a slice of that.

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Cos I think that she could be it, you know?

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I think that she could be... Do you get what I'm saying?

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I mean, how could he not want to meet her?

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You cannot not like her if you meet her.

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I mean, he might not be bothered about

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me, but you'd go the extra mile for Poppy, man!

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You know, you'd climb a mountain, bruv.

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You'd brave the burning building.

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You'd meet me halfway at least for a slice of pizza or something.

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But no. Nothing. No reply.

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Man didn't even text back.

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-You all right, mate?

-Hm.

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You didn't choke on a mint, did you?

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I owe him. I owe him.

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OK. Joey?

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Oh, OK.

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# And now the end is here

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# And so I face the final curtain

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# My friend, I'll say it clear

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# I'll state my case of which I'm certain

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# I've lived a life that's full

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# I travelled each and every highway

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# And more Much more than this

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# I did it my way. #

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Please be seated.

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Where is she? Where's Nan?

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Where've you been?

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He'll be here, all right?

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And thank you for coming here today

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to say goodbye to a loving father, brother and son.

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Derek Branning.

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Lauren!

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Is that what you think of me?

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What, do you think I ain't honest?

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Listen to me, all right? I know I don't say... I have...

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I have missed you every single day.

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I'm not even a mate. That's what she said.

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Let alone good enough to be with you.

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Every day, Lauren.

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I'm a drunk, Joey. That's what she reckons.

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Always looking for something to take the edge off.

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-Do you think I'm a drunk?

-No.

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No, no, I'm not. OK, it was one drink!

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It weren't like I was smashed, was it?

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And yes, I know I risked us both but...your dad's right.

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I shouldn't even be allowed out. We shouldn't be together.

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You think it too, don't you?

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Lauren, he saved you! He saved you, Lauren. And me.

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When it came down to it, Lauren, he stepped up for us, didn't he, eh?

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Yeah, he gloated. He used it.

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But he risked everything.

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Everything for us...

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like a dad.

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Lauren...

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he was more of a man than I ever thought.

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Don't... Don't go. Don't go in there.

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Please.

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Please, Lauren.

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Not today.

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I can't say goodbye to you an' all.

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There we go.

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To bad rubbish.

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-Bad rubbish.

-Hm.

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Feels good, that feels good. I feel good.

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I feel happy, you know, like when the doctor gave you those pills.

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-No. My doc didn't give me no pills.

-Medication, yes.

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I feel good, you know.

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I don't know, no more of them relationship conversations.

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You know, or going through your wife's knicker drawer

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looking for clues.

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No. No, no, no. I'm happy now.

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I'm in a good place now, you see. That's where I'm at.

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Cos I'm uncomplicatedly happy with an uncomplicatedly lovely girl.

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Alfie, uncomplicatedly, right, it ain't a word.

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Let me stop you right there.

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Cos jealousy is a very destructive emotion, young man.

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Look at me, look. I'm living proof.

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Look how happy I am. Living proof, eh?

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Will you stop it with the self-satisfied smug grin?

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Listen, mate, it's only a matter of time

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till another Mrs Beale comes through...

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What number is it again?

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Mrs Beale, we are looking for... it's got to be number 87.

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Number 87, come through that door right now. Yeah.

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No. No, no, no.

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Even better though, I've got a beautiful blonde girl who can

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introduce you to her beautiful blonde sister.

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I think you already know her, don't you?

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She's off her nut and banged up somewhere.

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-Cheers.

-Cheers.

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What, your horse come last, did it?

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What have I told you about throwing your money away, son?

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You on your own?

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Yeah. Yeah. Abi's, uh... Well, it's the funeral and that, innit?

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Right.

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Derek's a pillock anyway. Abs don't need me there stating the obvious.

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Tell me about it. He's a grade one, ain't he?

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I ain't applied for any of them.

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Care assistant? Means night shifts.

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I can't apply for any of them,

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cos I ain't got the NVQ, whatever that is.

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Well I didn't really have you down

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as the sensitive bum-wiping type, really.

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What?

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Well, you... With your house, and your business,

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and all your other stuff.

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What? You pay off your mortgage and your memory gets wiped?

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You think being broke only happens somewhere else?

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Do I look like I can afford a sensitive side?

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Do you want a bit of dinner?

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Marie, do us a favour, get him a bit of dinner, will ya?

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No, I'm all right, thanks, I'm all right.

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You've had Lexi to sort, ain't you?

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And I ain't actually your son, am I?

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So, it's all right, something will turn up.

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I can sort my own dinner, thanks.

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Jay.

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Do you want your old job back?

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Well, yeah.

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Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days

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of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever.

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Amen.

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ALL: Amen.

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And now, a few personal words from Derek's sister, Carol.

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OK. How about Joey?

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No? Well, erm, that's...

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So, if no-one has any readings, a few words...

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Poem?

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Mum!

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Mum! What are you doing? Sit down.

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Someone's got to speak up for him.

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Derek Branning was an obnoxious, difficult, pig-headed little man.

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Yeah! He was!

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I'd have cheerfully swung for him this Christmas.

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One of those people it's best knowing at a distance.

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Close up, they give you a headache.

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That's all well and good, but it's got to be lonely, ain't it?

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The thing about Derek was he knew...

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..he knew what he stood for

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and he had the courage to say his piece and be damned.

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Which as a matter of fact he often was, really, wasn't he?

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Come on, all you lot had a pop. Don't be shy.

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Put your hand up, anyone here ain't fell out with Derek Branning.

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One thing we can't argue about, he touched all our lives.

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Made an impact.

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You know there was a time

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when the East End was full of men like that.

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Proper East End gents like Derek.

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Men in their prime. Men getting involved. Principles.

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Loyalty.

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Guidance, like it or lump it.

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Yeah.

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You can call that arrogance if you like.

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Sexist.

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I call it manners.

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Arm across the road and a nice little drop of malt whisky.

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Just like our dads.

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Protecting his nearest and dearest.

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And he did love you, Alice. More than words can say.

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Ten years.

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A decade. That's a long time.

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Missing out at Her Majesty's Pleasure. Locked out.

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Everyone carrying on without you.

0:23:050:23:09

You know, Derek told me he kept going all those years, ten years.

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He hoped that one day he'd get a chance to make it up to you all.

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Derek shouted so much cos he wanted someone to give a monkey's.

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He wanted to be at the head of your table, Max.

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Because he wanted to be part of it.

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He wanted to be at the centre.

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Derek Branning.

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Loud, sentimental, old-fashioned fool.

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He wanted his family to respect him and love him.

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He wanted to be at the heart of it.

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And at last...

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..just for a moment...

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..they're all here for you, Derek.

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They're all gathered round.

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Please stand.

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We now commit Derek's body to be cremated. Earth to earth,

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ashes to ashes,

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dust to dust.

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In the sure and certain hope of the resurrection to eternal life.

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# That's life

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# That's life

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# All the people say

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# You're riding high in April

0:25:210:25:25

# Shot down in May

0:25:250:25:27

# But I know I'm gonna change that tune

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# When I'm back on top

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# Back on top in June

0:25:350:25:39

# I said that's life

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# That's life

0:25:400:25:43

# And as funny as it may seem

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# Some people get their kicks

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# Stomping on a dream

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# But I don't let it get me down... #

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You said she was gone!

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# Cos this fine old world

0:25:590:26:02

# It keeps spinning around... #

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Joey, it's OK. Joey, come on, breathe with me.

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It's OK. It's going to be all right.

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It's going to get easier... apparently.

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Come on, it's OK. He loved you.

0:26:220:26:25

And he knew that you loved him, really. It's all right.

0:26:260:26:31

-You made it, Joey, you were there. At the funeral, you made it.

-No!

0:26:310:26:37

-It's OK.

-No!

0:26:370:26:39

No. I let him die. I let him die!

0:26:440:26:48

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0:26:580:27:02

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