06/05/2013 EastEnders

DOOR OPENS

-You all right?

-Yes.

You know you can get ones that don't need screws?

We had one at the Vic. You just push it against the wall

and you turn these knob things... What?

That's not what I want. I want praise.

-OK. Well done.

-I want praise with conviction.

Michael, it's a baby gate!

I'm someone who loathes and despises DIY with a passionate contempt.

This represents a miracle. A miracle.

What I want from you is...awe.

That's amazing(!)

-Minus the sarcasm would be nice.

-OK. Well done.

Seriously. Well done. It's a brilliant thing you're doing.

-Not just for Scarlett, but for Tommy as well. Yeah?

-Thank you.

-Whoa!

-That's not going to hold?

I wouldn't do that. It's not finished yet.

-What time's she bringing her over?

-One.

You do know it's five past?

-You can go now.

-Thanks.

Sharon... Any chance you can have Lexi for half an hour?

There's one or two things I need to do over at the Arches.

You all right?

Yeah, yeah. Just women's stuff, you know.

-What women's stuff?

-You don't want to know.

Look, I've got to pop to the chemist's. OK?

-But you're all right, though, yeah?

-Yeah, yeah, I'm fine.

-Won't be long.

-Yeah, see you in a bit.

-If you want lunch, you'll have to get it yourself.

-So, you ain't even...

Mum, what are you doing?

I'm altering that shirt that your gran got you.

You been going through my stuff AGAIN?

-What? You worried I might find something?

-No.

Well, then, what's your problem?

When was the last time I even wore a shirt anyway?

You can wear this one.

-MOBILE PHONE BEEPS

-Who's that? Billy?

Yeah. I'll answer it later.

-Have you spoken to your mum?

-Not yet, no.

So what happened to "a deal's a deal"?

What? You're not even going to reply?

-I said later!

-All right, calm down.

I'm hungry. I'm going to the caff. Thanks, yeah? For nothing.

Why DO you think she was coming out the doctor's?

Why? You praying it's terminal?

No. I'm just curious.

Press the cow button.

COW'S MOO

See? And then the sheep.

SHEEP'S BAA

It's good, right? She'll like that.

-It's ten past.

-Hmm.

-You really should call her.

I'll decide when I call her. It'll be fine.

I asked you to quote for two silver-service waitresses, OK?

And you've gone and whacked a load of commission on top!

Yes, I would like to speak to your manager.

I don't care! I'll hold!

HE SIGHS

Is that what they call straight in Poland?

It's only temporary, boss.

Might be temporary to you, but it's my life. Make it straight.

-I wasn't talking to you!

-Am I really putting my money into this?

-Why, what's wrong?

-Apart from it being incredibly pretentious?

For a start the French for "square" is "place".

-IN FRENCH ACCENT:

-La Place. Feminine.

-NORMAL ACCENT:

-Secondly, if you're going to ride in late on the whole dotcom thing

then it all needs to be in lower case

and thirdly, we're not even IN La Place,

-we're on...

-IN FRENCH ACCENT:

-..La Rue Turpin.

-NORMAL ACCENT:

-But apart from that, it's perfect, partner.

I think you'll find this is what's known as a post-modern joke.

-Isn't that right, Ian?

-Yeah, yeah. Not everyone gets it.

Yeah? Hello? Hold on, hold on. You listen to me, OK?

JANINE'S PHONE RINGS

I asked you for a quote, only the quote you've given me isn't a quote,

because all of a sudden, it includes a whole load of commission!

Aren't you going to get that?

Do you know what?

I don't think I am.

What's a post-modern joke, then?

I have absolutely not the faintest idea.

-Anyway, what do you think of all this, then?

-The whole thing's a joke, if you ask me.

Cos it went so well last time Janine put money into one of Dad's bright ideas!

Are you going to honour your original quote or not?

Right, fine, you can go to hell, then.

I don't believe this. I've got to find two new staff now.

What was that for?

Just go after her, Ian.

I haven't got time, all right? And that's STILL not straight!

Do some work, will you?

It's now quarter past one.

If something HAS come up, can you ring me, please?

Do you want mustard?

I should've known. I should've known...something...

Why don't you just go and find her?

You don't know how that woman's brain works. This is textbook.

It's just cynical. Deliberate ploy.

Michael, you can't give up. Not again.

You were so excited about it this morning!

What happened to you taking her to feed the deer in Clissold Park?

The good news is that I've three hours to myself.

So, that is something.

So, I wonder what's on at the pictures. Do you know?

The arrangement was that she'd call me.

Yeah, but what difference does it make?

I don't want it to look as though I'm being pushy.

She'll phone me when she wants to.

Was there anything else?

DOOR SLAMS

He needs your support, Lucy.

He's got you, hasn't he? He's got Janine.

-You can see the stress he's under.

-Which he brought upon himself.

-Yeah, but you're not exactly helping it, though, are you?

-What?

-I don't really see how it's my responsibility.

-Lucy, it's your dad!

What? You want him to have another breakdown, do you?

Come on, Lucy. Just apologise!

Can I have a cup of tea and a bacon sandwich, please, Luce?

Marie, I've got to pop out for a minute again.

Can you just take care of him?

Phil asked me to look after Lexi. I made an excuse.

-So?

-Lola, I'm doing what you want.

A bit of appreciation wouldn't go amiss.

I'm sorry, Sharon, that's quite rude of me, isn't it?

-How are things with you?

-Hard.

-Hard...

I still got the pills if you want 'em. Or I could chuck them away. It's up to you?

-What is this? Some sort of test?

-Lo.

-Poppy said I'd find you in here. Guess what?

-What?

Only waiting for me on the mat when I went home just now.

Had to open it. Couldn't help meself.

We've got a date for the final hearing!

Two weeks on Thursday, we're going to get Lexi back for good!

Well, you could try looking a bit more excited!

Yeah, I will be, when I actually get her back.

-Well, I'm celebrating. Who wants another cup of tea?

-No, thanks, Bill.

I'm going back to work.

Sharon, I'm relying on you. Yeah?

How's your mum? All right, is she?

-See you, Pops.

-Lo!

-Going to work.

Starting the seventh, yeah.

Preferably young. Preferably attractive.

Yeah, I'll hold...

-Did you get hold of your mate?

-I don't have mates.

You know, the bloke who was going to have a word with Moneybags... Whatshisname?

-The property-developer investor bloke...

-To cut the ribbon?

-Yeah.

Champagne dinner for two, innit?

Trouble is, who would I bring? I don't even like champagne.

Not you, whatshisname!

Yeah, I'm still here. How much? And that does include commission?

Listen, mate, I'm opening a restaurant, not the Royal Mint.

You can forget it, all right. Bye.

-What do you want?

-Denise says I've got to apologise.

-And that's it, is it?

-I can't help the way I am.

And I can't help who I am.

If you want me to sit around for the rest of my life

twiddling my thumbs then fine, get yourself another dad.

-LOUD CLATTER

-Oh, blimey. You all right?

I would like to point out there's health and safety notices all over the site,

and I'm presuming you had the time to read them? What have you done to my sign?

It's Jozef, isn't it? I'm laying you off for the rest of the day.

-What?

-Get yourself down the hospital, get that seen to.

-I want you back here first thing in the morning.

-Do I still get paid?

-No, of course you don't get paid!

-Dad, I AM really sorry.

Lucy, unless you've got two silver-service waitresses

stuffed up your sleeve, willing to work for minimum wage, I'm not interested, OK?

-PHONE RINGS

-Thanks for getting back to me, Gemma.

Here you are.

We're not going to have this conversation again, are we?

What conversation would that be?

About you telling me how much you don't care.

I have a special dial in my heart, Kat.

I can just turn it down at will. Then it's fine.

-I thought your heart was broken.

-I was drunk then. I'm not now.

Why don't you call again? She might not have heard the first time.

No.

-Something might've happened.

-Why are you still here?

Aren't you supposed to be back on that stall with Bianca?

She'll be fine for a bit! Will you stop this?

I've seen the other side of you, remember?

That night in Spain when you spoke about your mum?

I was VERY drunk then.

Doesn't mean it wasn't real.

All right, the next morning it was like nothing had happened,

but you have to stop this "I don't know how to feel" routine.

Why are you still talking? What is your point, precisely?

Hello? >

What happened to the little one?

Three guesses.

You're joking?

-Where are you going?

-Going to do what you want me to do.

-Right.

-I'll wait here for you.

-No need.

Is he all right?

I'm going to go and clean the bathroom. It's been needing doing all week.

Oh, no!

I didn't do anything, I swear. It just came off in my hand.

Hello?

Nobody's been talking about me this morning?

Why would anyone be talking about you?

You haven't heard anything about any doctored photographs...?

Doctored photographs? No. I'm intrigued, though. What sort...

-Move, move, move...

-Excuse me!

-..Move, move...

Michael? Michael, you all right? Hey!

A fortnight on Thursday.

No, no, I ain't told Phil yet, but we're all real excited...

-Where is she?

-Peggy, I'm going to have to call you back. What?

-Don't muck me about. Where is she?

-What you talking about?

I was supposed to be having Scarlett. You know something.

No, she told me to man the phones. I don't know what you're on about. Honest.

-Can you give her a message for me, please?

-Yeah!

Can you tell her I know what she's doing, I know why she's doing it,

and she's not the only one who can play dirty?

-Can you remember that, Billy?

-Yeah. Course, yeah.

-Great.

Have a nice day.

And then he lay me off, the whole afternoon, for this!

I have wife, three children.

Daughter getting married September.

-How I going to pay for it?

-I don't know, but you know what?

Drinking away your money in a pub isn't going to help, is it?

I can't go back to boarding house until tonight.

And man get lonely.

OK, you know what? No, no, no, this is on the house. Yeah?

-No problems, darling, OK.

-Any sign of Trace?

That was Trace on the phone. She's having a few family problems.

-She'll come in later.

-Oh, I thought we were going to make babies...

Hold on, shush. You might want to keep your voice down!

-So...

-What?

-You don't want to know how I got on at the doctor's?

-Yes, of course I do! What did he say?

-OK. So he checked me out.

-OK, right.

-Apparently I'm in pretty good nick for a 35-year-old.

So it's all systems go.

OK. But just...keep it between us...?

-Why?

-Rox, I just don't want everybody knowing my business

-and asking questions, not with my track record.

-All right.

We'll keep it quiet, but the sooner we get started, the better.

OK. As soon as Trace is back here, we'll snatch a half hour, yeah?

A half hour? You can manage a half hour?

Yes, obviously that includes a shower, cheeky.

Yes, darling, what can I get you?

He's drilled the hole too big. That's the problem.

-I don't know what to do.

-I'm just thinking...

DOOR OPENS

-I'm sorry. It was an accident, it's my fault.

-Well...?

You're an idiot.

-That's a bit unnecessary, ain't it?

-Not now. Leave me alone.

-Why do you keep pushing me away?

-I said, leave me alone!

-I'll go to work.

-Yeah.

It's for the best.

So, we'll see you in a couple of weeks...

What do YOU want?

Lola, um...

Well, spit it out, then.

-You know what we were talking about earlier in the caff?

-Yeah?

It's not that I want the pills, but I can't really sleep...

Right. You want your pills back. See, there's a problem,

I kind of flushed them down the toilet last night.

Oh. Course you did. Probably for the best.

Yeah. Not that that'll stop you from getting more, though, will it?

Look, I don't feel very good about myself right now, if that helps.

Well, then, you know what you need to do? Tell Phil.

Seriously, Sharon, you're going to have to tell him.

And I will. I promise.

I've spent all day doing this, Dexter.

-The least you could do is try it on.

-What didn't you get about earlier on?

-Oh, just try the shirt on!

-Oh, so you've seen Cora, then, yeah?

-No. I'll see her when I choose to see her,

not when you've got my arm forced up behind my back.

-You seemed all right about it on Friday. What's changed since then?

-You just don't get it, do you?

This is the woman who dumped her baby on social services

over the colour of her skin.

I AM that baby, Dexter! What am I supposed to do?

Just forget about it?

-Mum, where are you going?

-I'm not doing this because I want to,

I'm doing it to shut you up!

He seems to think there's some photos going round, but...

Really?

I don't really want to know. Curiosity's a dangerous thing.

Once you see something, it cannot be unseen.

Janine? I'll be straight back.

You can't leave your stall...

We're closed.

I was just knocking off.

Yeah, I thought you might be.

I just wondered if you fancied that drink?

Yeah.

-Michael...

-Alice.

-I remember my mum had this problem once

when she was trying to put a shelf up.

And it sounds silly, but if you put a matchstick

alongside the Rawlplug, then it's usually enough to hold it tight.

Michael, I've just seen Janine with Scarlett going into the house.

Think before you speak, for Scarlett's sake!

Hello.

You look upset.

Hand her over.

Why? I thought we weren't playing pass-the-parcel?

I've spoken to Billy and I know what you did.

Where were you at one o'clock?

I changed my mind.

What?

Well, knowing that temper of yours, it just... didn't seem like a good idea.

And it turns out that I was right. Luckily the laptop isn't broken,

but next time, I'll be calling the police.

We had an arrangement.

Oh, I've left her in there all by herself.

Can we talk about this some other time?

What you waiting for, Michael?

See how often you get to see her with an injunction on your head.

I'll send her your love.

HE SCREAMS

-I think that's done it.

-That's it! Well done, darling.

What happened?

Right, I'm going to go and pick Tommy up from playgroup. All right?

Then go and ask Alfie if he'll have him tonight

because WE need a proper talk, yeah?

-So, when did you learn to sew?

-I've been doing it all my life.

As long as I can remember.

-Learn it at school, did you?

-No, my mum taught me.

I don't know why I bother, though.

Spent all afternoon sewing, for him to refuse to try it on.

Kids!

Don't talk to me about kids.

I-I don't mean you.

Obviously.

Whoops!

Sorry, Alfie, I'm late. Sorry.

Don't worry about it. You OK to hold the fort for half an hour?

Only me and Roxy have got to...

hashtag too much info. Anyone asks, I'm not here, all right?

I had a word with that bloke. He's going to try and sort it for you.

Oh, thanks, cheers for that.

Remember that bloke I was telling you about? The one I told to go to hospital?

-Please don't, Ian...

-I'm not going to be mucked about.

-Oi! I thought I told you to go to the hospital.

-I've been!

-You liar!

-Now, you listen...

-No, you listen to me.

Tomorrow morning, you are going to get an official written warning.

And if you step out of line again - just by one inch -

-you'll get your cards. Do you understand me?

-Please, Dad. Not now,

especially not here.

Can you get him a drink, please?

-What is all that about?

-Oh, right. Like you care.

I've got four weeks - four weeks - to get this restaurant open.

-I've tried doing it by the book and THIS is where it gets me!

-Dad...

I know I get wound up. I don't know any other way.

Well, I've been thinking about your waitress problem

and I might have an idea...

You all right, Trace? Just popping upstairs, all right?

I put my foot in it, cos I'm nervous.

You understand, don't you?

I'm nervous as well.

I'd really like to sit down and have a normal conversation with you

but there's no reference points.

I mean, our only reference point is I was abandoned

and you did the abandoning. So how do we get over that?

Got any bright ideas?

-Daddy!

-Daddy!

Go on, go in the front room.

Alfie!

< Daddy!

What do you want?

I was wondering if Alfie could have Tommy for the night because...

Michael's in a bit of a state back at the house,

and I wouldn't ask if it wasn't important.

Shall we pretend we haven't seen that?

It's no skin off my nose. You do what you want.

So, can you look after him or not?

-Yes.

-Cheers.

Tommy, I'll see you tomorrow, darling, I love you.

It's not that I didn't think about you.

It was more...

I couldn't allow myself to think about you.

Do you understand the difference?

Every day, on your birthdays...

Cora, I don't need this.

-I was hoping to find you in here.

-Wow!

Is that the shirt you was telling me about? My goodness!

You look like a right bobby-dazzler!

Dexter, sorry I can't do this. It was a mistake.

-Sorry. I know we had a deal...

-What deal?

Ask him.

-Where have you been?

-Sorry, Phil. I lost track of time.

Four o'clock, I get a phone call from the gym club.

No-one's come to pick up Dennis.

What day is it? I thought I'd arranged with Tanya. Is he all right?

Yeah, Dennis is doing fine. I'm the one who's climbing up the walls!

Why didn't you call me? I been texting you, I've been calling you.

-Where have you been?

-I just needed some time to myself.

Do you know what this is?

-It's the date for the final hearing. Two weeks on Thursday.

-Phil..

When I need you, you go swanning off. You can take over here.

-I need to talk to you...

-It'll have to wait.

-I need to go over the Arches and sort some stuff out.

-I can't.

-What do you mean, you can't?

My hormones are all over the place.

I need to lie down.

What's happened to the baby gate?

I need a drink.

Thanks a lot. Are you not going to ask me why?

Apparently not.

I've just been over to the Vic, right...

I'm not interested.

It's not always about you, you know?

I'm upset now!

-I don't care.

-You don't care?

What do you mean, you don't care?!

Has something happened that I don't know about?

-No.

-So...what, then?

-Why is it always me worrying about you?

-I never asked you to.

-Right, come on, you're scaring me now.

-I'm fine. Just go away.

I coped with my mother.

I'll cope with this. Janine...

..Scarlett...

Just...

..close that door on your way out now.

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