16/07/2013 EastEnders

IAN WHISTLES "The Entertainer"

Come on you, we've got a business to run.

It's been a while since I heard you whistling.

Onwards and upwards.

Yeah. You and me both.

So you reckon you could sell yourself to me in less than three minutes, do you?

-I don't have to. You've already found Mr Perfect.

-Oh?

And if you behave, I might let you ring my bell later.

Lucky me.

Come on, we've got a lot to do.

-I'll be down in a minute, OK.

-Come on, Peroxide, chop chop, let's go.

-All right!

What have you done with them? I left them on the side.

Put what on the side?

The keys, obviously, where are they?

Just as well I'm here.

-Are you sure there's nothing I can do?

-There's nothing.

Sorry, Lucy. Everything's fine.

It's just, I'm running a little bit behind, I've got to get going.

OK. I'll come down when you're open.

There's no point. It's no big deal.

Look, regardless of you selling the place,

you still need it to be a success, even more so.

Look, you've got your problems, OK. You should just worry about those.

You helped sorted mine out. Now I'm going to help sort yours out.

You've got Marie and Carol running the cafe.

You haven't got to worry about it. You can just sit down there and have a nice quiet easy evening. OK?

You need to find Carl and tell him what you're doing.

I will.

Come on, Peter. I'll see you down there.

Dad...?

Thanks for being there.

Two coffees, please, Marie.

-So, you coming speed dating tonight?

-I've got a night off tonight,

the last thing I want to do is spend it at the Vic.

What's the alternative, staying at the flat all alone?

You never know, this could be the start of something new.

Yeah, why not?

Speed dating, sounds fun.

That's my girl.

He's all over the place today.

He's worried about the opening - and Carl.

He's being a bit weird, though.

Was he like this before, with the breakdown?

No, it's nothing like that.

But you said it yourself yesterday, he's got a lot on his plate.

Stop seeing things which aren't there.

He's nothing like he was before.

As soon as he's sold up and paid off Carl, he'll be fine.

Back to his usual self.

If we can deal with him being his usual self.

There you go.

I'm not sure it sets the right tone for a church fundraiser.

It's all there, sweetheart. It's about love...

The perfect message.

When Jesus was telling the disciples to love one another, I don't

think he meant for them to pass on to the next one after three minutes.

Dot, I think the bottom line is it's going to pay for the roof. Right?

Yes. And I'm sure the big man upstairs won't mind

making a few quid from people enjoying themselves. Eh?

Well, I suppose not.

Me and Kat used to do themed nights like this, you know, they were always top drawer.

We're going to be charging on the door, we're running a raffle.

And if the bar does well, then there will be a donation from us on top.

-OK?

-There you go. Lovely.

Well, I suppose it would be ungenerous of me not to accept your kind generosity.

Well, it is a bit of feel-good day today.

-I'll see you tonight, then.

-Yeah, see you, Dorothy. Take care, darling.

-I thought you were going to stay at home, take it easy?

-We could do with the extra help.

Yeah, I know but you don't need to be here, love.

I do. I said a lot of stuff yesterday.

-Selling this place, all the stuff that goes with that.

-Selling?

Yeah. Lucy reckons it'd be for the best.

Oh. Is that what you think?

Yeah.

And I'm going to help. OK? You're not in this alone.

-I know.

-OK, so what can I do?

-Um...some veg in the kitchen needs prepping.

-OK. I'll do it.

Are you really booked up?

What, a load of blokes on tap, in the Vic?

No, it's not like that, it's just people getting to know each other for a good cause.

Yeah, well, I don't mind if it's for a bad cause as long as they're all fit.

-You up for it?

-Uh... Nah, I don't know.

Come on, it'll be a giggle.

What's the deal, how much is it?

It's five pounds to get in.

I've got to get Lexi a birthday present.

-You're not really going to go, are you?

-Why? What's the matter?

What do you think I'm going to do, get drunk and start shooting my mouth off or something?

We need her to keep her mouth shut,

the last thing we need is you winding her up.

Don't you start worrying. She's hard work enough without you getting jittery.

Listen, I'll call for you. Yeah?

Then it's wall-to-wall blokes. My kind of night.

I'm here, boss!

Where's your uniform?

Oh... I wasn't given one.

Peter? We open in an hour and a half.

I cannot have any more staff not in uniform.

All right? And show Abi the ropes.

-If she makes any mistakes, it is down to you. You got that?

-All right, I'll sort it.

No, go and sort Abi out now.

You asked me to do this.

I'll do that, come here...

-Careful!

-Dad!

Can you not pass a knife properly?!

You snatched it.

You all right?

It's not very deep. I'll put the dressing on it.

I'm not a child. I can do that.

Where's all the fellas?

Well, yours are over there waiting for you.

You're only as old as the woman you feel, eh, boys?

Beats staying at home watching repeats on telly, don't it?

-Kat, would you like a drink on the house?

-What's the catch?

No catch.

Yeah, all right. I'll be over here.

Here. What you up to?

What's the matter, can't a girl be in a good mood?

-Yeah?

-Right, excuse me.

Ah, there's my little sous-chef.

Come on, come with me, you're in the kitchen.

I'm not doing just the washing up.

No, you're going to be washing your hands as well. Now get in there. Come on.

Somebody text Whitney for me, please,

-I need a full complement of staff for tonight.

-I'm on it.

You know, I think he's been watching too many shouting chefs on telly.

Yeah. At least he's not swearing.

Not yet.

He's been a bag of nerves, you know. With all this, reopening.

It was such a big thing for him last time, all his important guests

and then - bang - within a month, he's closed up.

I'm not so sure that selling up is the best option.

Look, I know that how he goes about things is all wrong, but this place...

..it's never just been about Ian, it's been about you, you kids.

It's been something for him to be able to focus on,

to really look to the future...

Selling up,

losing it all,

I think that could be the worst thing for him.

-Oi!

-I'll have the rent by the end of the week.

Make sure you do.

Oh, this was in with some other stuff.

Where you going?

Same as you - off to find me the best man in Walford.

Not if I see him first.

Kim!

KIM GIGGLES

Oh! What you doing?

Having my tea.

You're sitting here eating a sandwich

when across the road there's a sea of women waiting for us?

-Not going.

-Whoa...

We've done all this. You're coming with me!

-I'm going to sit here, eat my sandwich and then I'm going home.

-What is in this, anyway?

Cheese and onion.

You're about to sit and chat to beautiful women with onion breath?

What beautiful women?!

It'll be all the same women who are in there all the time.

Listen, the Vic is going to be jam-packed with women. Come on.

HE GROANS

-Shift it!

-What is the point?

Cos I'm going to end up sat in the corner. On my own.

You know it, I know it.

Not if you take my lead, follow the master.

Come on, Tam, this is our night - me and you,

we are about to go fruit-picking in the garden of plenty.

Sorry.

And guess who's going to get the fruit with the maggot in it?

"Carpe De Oms." Do you know what that means?

If you'd said it right, I might.

Seize the day!

Seize the day, Tam... Tamwar...

-CHANTS:

-Tamwar! Tamwar! Tamwar!

-OK, OK.

-Yeah! Tamwar!

Here she is, looking gorgeous.

-Yeah, just some tat off the market.

-Oi, you. Cheeky mare.

-Listen, you couldn't do an extra shift for me, could you?

-Er, she's pulling something tonight

and it ain't going to be a pint.

He's not here, Kirsty.

Oh, don't worry, I'm just here to have fun, just checking out what's on offer.

Jean! You going to be looking for Mr Right this evening, are you?

-I don't think so.

-Oh, come on, it could be fun.

-Yes!

Talking to strangers?

Listen, tonight could be the night

-the man of your dreams walks through the door.

-Or nightmares.

Right, come on then, show the dog the rabbit.

Speak for yourself.

Here, if I pay double can I get first pick?

Cos I am seriously looking for some hot love.

-Whoa. No.

-I can't do this.

You can, and you will.

Look at it, it's all women. Huh?

Hey. All you got to do is sell yourself - three minutes.

That's really going to happen, ain't it? I can't even sell myself in three months.

Ah, look who it is! # All the single ladies

# All the single ladies

-# Oh oh oh... #

-ALFIE LAUGHS

The Walford Posse, everybody. All right, girls?

-You hunting in packs now, are you?

-Are there more blokes coming?

Trust me, there'll be loads of fellas. Don't worry about it.

Look at them, they don't even care.

Just forget about it tonight, yeah? And have some fun.

I hate lying. I can't stand it.

I know but sometimes it's for the best, Jean.

Secrets never lead to anything good.

-Honesty is supposed to be the best policy.

-Evening.

So how does this work, then?

Right. Ladies stay seated, blokes move round each table

-so you get three minutes to suss them out.

-Only three minutes?

I only need three seconds to find out if he's fit or not.

Steady on, Shirl. Don't want to peak too early.

Ain't we having a drink, then?

Ladies, ladies - if you want to get yourselves seated, ladies.

Right. Gentlemen, you move round each table

so it doesn't matter where you start.

Oi, Alfie, I've got Ronnie Corbett here.

-You got any other blokes coming?

-What are you complaining about?

You've got the cream of the crop there, OK!

Yeah, but my cream's gone sour.

Sorry.

Hey, you.

Here y'are. Result! Go easy on him, he's mine next.

-Right, three minutes.

-BELL RINGS

Right, that's it! Enjoy yourselves, everybody.

Ladies, go easy on 'em. All right.

Hello, my name's Jean Slater, I suffer from bi-polar.

It's not that I don't like dried fruit

but there's just something about sultanas.

If I had to describe it,

it's, um, like little pins jabbing in the back of my eyes.

The weird thing is that I...

..sometimes feel sorry for the women who'll never get to know me.

So I've got four kids and they all like eating nuggets.

Raisins are OK but there's something about sultanas.

Personally, I'm not a big fan of mechanically separated meat,

but I do enjoy the odd rissole.

I think it's the fact that even when they're dry, they're squidgy.

What's that about?

Don't even think about it!

Abi, service.

-You're late.

-Am I? You owe me an apology.

You're lucky I'm still here.

OK, um... I apologise.

What, is that it?

I apologise for the way I spoke to you and for the way I treated you.

Yeah. And the false accusations?

-Yes.

-And you promise not to treat me like that again?

Yes.

Wasn't so hard, was it, Ian?

No, Abi! That table.

Peter...

You really want to take this away from him?

OK, all change. Move along now. Mind the gap. Thank you.

We should fix the sheets so they end up together.

He'd never get out alive, would he? Poor bloke.

Not exactly overflowing with decent blokes, is it?

Nah, either too old, too short or too much.

Mr Right must be out there somewhere, eh?

Right. I better take my seat. I don't want to miss out.

Well... This is fun.

Everyone settled?

OK everybody, here we go. Round two.

-All good?

-Yeah, I'm just glad I'm not out there.

Don't forget you're going to be ringing my bell later on.

Watch yourself with her, darling, she's a man-eater.

Oi, get your own one, he's mine.

It's all under control. Doesn't mean to say I can't have fun.

I love fun.

No, the bell hasn't rung yet. Excuse me.

Some people like to cut them or tear them,

personally I like to tie them in knots.

-Do you like music?

-No.

-Eating out?

-No.

-Me...

-No.

-Yeah. Unbelievable.

I'm up for most things, except pushy, overbearing, stalky guys.

Come to join in?

Nah, you're OK.

-You all right?

-Yeah, I'm all right.

-Kim, what're you doing? You can't just leave the table.

-I can when there's a better option.

We've got three minutes. Is that long enough for you?

Yeah, all right. What we doing?

Well, you stop pretending and we can go back to the B&B.

KIM LAUGHS

KIM GROWLS AND SQUEALS

Honestly, if you really enjoy it please make sure you tell

all your friends we've reopened. I'd be really grateful. Thank you.

Dad.

-Luce...

-I know you don't want to sell up.

-I understand...

-Table one.

Thank you.

Seeing you like this - busy, and smiling,

-after everything you've been through...

-I've got an order.

This place, it's your dream and...

Well, I realise now how selfish I've been.

I'm not going to make you give it up. We'll find another way.

Table one.

Move on!

Never fear, the rescue party's here.

Or how about you jog on?

Could you look any more gorgeous tonight?

What are you like?!

My name's Carl. I like chicken curry and women whose names begin with K.

How about you?

You free?

Three minutes to sell myself.

Well. My name's Ollie...

and I like gardening.

I'm Jean... and I like gardening, too.

I've got all my own teeth, and my own car and...

..what you see is what you get really.

-And you?

-Me?

Yeah. I mean,

-you're not going to tell me you're secretly married or anything?

-No, no, I don't have any secrets.

Oh, no! I want my money back.

-TAMWAR:

-Thanks, again.

-Hold on a minute, it's for charity. Just grit your teeth, Shirl.

Yeah, well charity begins at home.

I'm not here to play you. What's the point?

-There's nothing you don't know about me.

-Ain't that the truth.

Oh, suddenly it was all bad, was it?

You had your moments.

Brighton beach. New Year's Eve...

Huddled together, bells ringing, people shouting,

fireworks going off.

But all I could see and hear was you....

didn't even feel the cold.

Come on. You got to admit, we had some cracking times.

Yeah. And some horrible ones as well.

Hey, sit back down.

Or what?

Kirsty?

That is one salmon and one chicken.

OK. Coming up.

You were right, I made a mistake.

What?

This is him, you know - bossing people about, being busy, working hard.

That's what he does. He works hard.

You know what he's always taught us -

"you've got to earn it to deserve it".

Selling this place isn't the answer - me giving him the money is.

Can you get hold of that sort of money?

There's cash in the businesses. I mean, I could move money about.

I promise, all I've ever done is try to do what's right.

I know.

But seeing what this place means to him.

And this Carl bloke - he could do anything, couldn't he?

I know he's messed up, but the thought of him getting hurt...

I shouldn't have turned my back on him.

He's our dad, and we need to look out for him

like he looks out for us.

It's OK.

-Look, please...

-Kirsty, there's nothing to say.

Well, I think there is.

All right, wait there.

Sadly, none of them were bowled over by my amazing looks.

Hey. How about me and you pick up where we left off?

What, with me thinking you're a right piece of work?

No, with you forgetting whatever it is Kirsty's told you about me.

All right, how about you telling me

what you said to Kirsty to make her do a runner?

How about we forget about her and focus on you?

Oh, great. Brilliant.

I'm being stalked by one of the Krankies and she gets Mr Fit Buns.

Well, it's either you've got it or you ain't.

Oh, you've definitely got it and it's going to take antibiotics to shift it.

-Get us another drink, Alfie.

-Think you might want to slow down now, eh?

-Come on, Shirl, let's call it a night.

-What is this? A pub or an AA meeting?

What rattled her cage?

Kat... Do you fancy giving us a hand?

What, behind the bar?

You forgotten how to pull a pint?

No.

-See you later then.

-I'll see you later.

Right, then, who's next?

Yes, darling?

-I don't normally go to things like this.

-Me neither.

-It's a bit...

-Yeah...

I'm glad I came.

Otherwise I'd have been worried you'd still be in the shed.

Oh, yeah. I'm sorry for being so rude.

Oh, don't worry about it.

I go on a bit sometimes, get a bit a nervous.

Look, would you think it was forward of me

if I suggested we don't do the second half?

-You're going?

-No...

What I mean is - if you would agree to let me see you again,

I don't think I need to sit with anyone else.

-What do you reckon?

-Yeah. Yes, that would be lovely.

Right, that's all I got. Can I have another drink?

-B, don't let her ruin the evening.

-Sorry, Alfie.

Come on, Shirl, let's go.

Don't be such a... Oh, just shove it!

Shirley! Stop now. Take her home, B.

Thank you, Shirley. Nothing to see, everybody move on.

Right, darling, what can I get you?

-You all right with all this?

-Yes, I'm fine. Why wouldn't I be? It's time to move on, isn't it?

After you.

Well, here's the lady we're all doing it for!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

You're doing it for the church, Alfie, it ain't for me.

Look, I don't want you just turning up at my house.

-Oh, it's your house again, is it?

-Yes, it is.

-We're over, we're done, we don't have to keep doing this, do we - talking?

-Why're you scared?

You terrified that I might say something that makes you want me back?

Look, I get it. I understand. Everything we had, what we've got...

I've stuffed it up.

You reckon, do you?

Look, I know I hurt you.

But I also know that we're meant to be together.

And it don't matter how much you shut me out, walk away...

The bottom line is you know it, too.

Right. I've said all I needed to say.

The only person now that can change it is you.

The fourth letter is D. Uh, that'll be number nine.

Yeah, I'd like to arrange a cash transfer, please... What?

No. You've got it wrong. Lucy Beale.

All I've done is a couple of extra shifts,

and they've slashed the money.

-What? Your benefits?

-"Supporting working families"?!

Do me a favour, bunch of jumped-up little numpties.

How am I going to pay the rent?

Look at me - hammered after a stupid speed dating night in the Vic.

Come on, Shirl, let's get you home.

Home? This time last year I had one of them.

I had a family. I had Phil.

And I had Hev...

What the hell happened, eh? How did it get to this?

Please tell me, Bianca. How did I get like this?

There we go. One sea bass.

Yes, Chef.

-And one rare steak.

-Chef.

I need two triple chocs and one cheesecake.

Two triple choc, one cheesecake. Coming up. Yes, Chef.

I know.

I know what you've done.

Right, open wide. Here you go, Dorothy. We've got that.

There's loads more here, look. A few more notes in there.

-Here you go.

-Oh, I say.

And there's more, hold on.

From everybody in the Queen Vic for a top night.

Oh, how wonderful. Will you thank everybody on my behalf?

And the vicar's, of course, for their wonderful generosity.

Oh, thank you, Alfie. Thank you, Roxy.

You're welcome, sweetheart. Take care.

You're welcome. Bye, Dot.

Oh, bless her. So, what are you going to do now?

You going to sneak back in there and start chatting up all them blokes, are you?

As tempting as it sounds, I think I'm going to stick with the old codger I already have.

Oi, what's with the "old codger"?

-I think the word "experienced" is what you're looking for.

-Oh, experienced?

-Yes, yes.

-Well, maybe you can show me how experienced you are tonight.

-Is that right? OK.

Mmm. Maybe you've got something you want to tell me?

Yeah. Well, the lager barrel needs changing,

and I think AJ needs another drink.

..Yes, mate, same again?

After everything I've done, you tricked me?!

The cafe, the chippy - making me sign it over.

No, there's got to be some sort of mistake. Go on, Dad, tell her she's got it wrong.

Ian?

What's happened?

All I've done is try and keep us going - me and Bobby -

but you - you walked out on us.

and I was trying to help you, I was trying to sort out the money.

OK. It's OK.

-Ian, just tell her it's OK.

-Dad?

I just kept thinking, "Not now, don't put pressure on him." "Let him find his feet."

And then this place,

and you stealing from me but I kept thinking,

"You have to look after him, you have to be there for him."

Ian, tell her it's not true.

Yeah, go on, Dad, tell me.

Tell us all how you haven't twisted and manipulated me.

You stole the businesses from me.

All right? They are now all back in my name.

All I have done is take back what is actually mine.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd