14/11/2013 EastEnders

You were happy to see me go down, weren't you, Ian?

No. No. Come on, Max. It wasn't like that.

It weren't like that? But it was like that, weren't it? No.

You can scream all you want. You can scream all you want, Ian.

Maybe he's planned a weekend away. You know, clear his head.

Without telling anyone? You know what he's like.

Is there anything else in there? No. It's...just clothes.

OK, what are you two hiding? Nothing.

So what happened then? Ian didn't show up.

Oh, you're joking. Why? No idea.

Why not, though? Bottled it, I guess.

So is that it then? Yeah. That is it.

So is he coming home, then? Yeah. He's gone for a little walk.

Then when he comes home, you can go over. Oh, good.

No, give it a while. He'd love to see them.

But maybe not quite so soon. Why not?

Look, can I go back to the stall or is he coming home or what?

but that was just playing, weren't it?

Come on, please. Look, I'll do whatever you want.

OK, look, he was threatening my family, OK?

Who knows what else he might have done?

I mean, what would you do to protect your family, eh?

You've got kids, haven't you? Please...

Please. I'll never see my kids again.

Look, Max, I'm sorry. OK? I'm sorry.

Don't kill me! Just don't kill me! Please!

But if it was up to me, this would be buried in your skull

We've got a little job for you. What?

And you didn't tell me? You don't need to know everything, Carol.

About my brother? On trial for trying to kill someone?

Did you see what that bloke did to Peter?

He battered him because he stuck that in.

I tell you, what's the first thing you're going to do?

You're pathological! You can't resist butting in.

You love to think you've got such self-control,

but one push on that family button and that evaporates.

But that's why I didn't get you involved -

because it could've been you on the end of his fist.

and he realised it was the wrong thing to do.

Well, Phil Mitchell might have had some influence.

Ian didn't want to lie in court, but he had no choice, did he?

It was the best solution, I promise you.

Why was Phil even involved? It's none of his business.

It was the best solution - now leave it.

Anyway - how are you? You missing us?

It's good to have some peace, you know,

Instead of Morgan spilling drinks all over the place.

If you want to come back any time, you'll be more than welcome.

That's it, I've decided what I'm doing on my 21st -

My friend's repping out there this year. Oh, we could all go!

Hang on. We talking summer? As in eight months away?

How's the tea coming on? Ain't got no milk.

Go and get some. If I leave this house again,

we're having Hungry Hanks for dinner.

Come on! How can you be hungry after the amount you just ate?

But Mum, serious t'ing though - I'm going to Marbella.

Look, a man gives away an organ, yeah, that should give him a voice.

You should give him the right to say,

"and I am going to take my limited and precious time off

I respect that it's your birthday and all that

but if you two come with me, that's a disrespect.

Are you finished? No, I haven't finished. OK?

You think you're the only one with a birthday? No.

It's my special day and it's coming up next week,

so all I'm saying is that a little bit of respect

Just like I have respected you by coming to the pub today

Respect, Mum, that's all I'm saying. OK?

What? That's great news. I know. It's a relief, innit?

TAMWAR: Even though we've got jobs and...things to do.

Yeah. So...you two kids just enjoy. OK?

Well, I want to take credit for it, so, yeah.

I thought...cup of tea, cake. Nice and quiet.

I notice Max didn't have much to say outside the court.

Lots of hugs for the girls, but nothing much for you.

Come on. He never wanted you in the past.

Yeah. Did well out of it too, didn't ya? All that cash.

Please...please, just don't tell Max, yeah?

Bro, what was all that about? It was court today.

As if Max is going to come home, everything back to normal.

It'll take more than a bottle of whisky.

You know you're always welcome at mine.

Yeah, well, get the spare room ready.

Cos in a few hours, I'll be homeless.

I know Michael, he had a classic look.

Whereas me, I've got individual style, ain't I?

It's not hard to dress a good-looking man.

So when's the funeral? I'm not sure.

You not heard from the coroner? Yeah, I just got to get back to him.

They're going to want to know who the undertakers are,

the undertakers will want to know where it's at and how many people,

Kat, he wasn't the most popular bloke in the Square, was he?

Probably only just be me and you, which ain't a great sendoff, is it?

So what? He'd be well chuffed if no-one turned up.

He was at his happiest when everyone thought he was a weirdo.

He'd love an empty church at his funeral. Believe me.

Oh...look who it is. All right, Carl?

I'm supposed to get in the van, am I? Yeah.

You think you're safe? I'm coming for you, mate.

I was...I was just trying to do the right thing, OK?

I was...I was trying to protect my family.

That's an amazing thing to do for Max and your family.

Mm. We've got loads of time, haven't we?

So is that the end of it then? You were there.

But after everything he's done, they can't come after him again?

He hasn't done anything. You know what I mean.

Mum, are we a body wash kind of family now, yeah?

No, no, no, Mum - this ain't going to cut it, you know.

I need proper soap. I'm a mechanic, you know.

That means grease everywhere. I need soap like a real man.

I mean, how long does it take to go to the shop?

It's only 50 yards up the road. He probably got distracted.

He's having a quick one in the Vic, you know how he gets.

But, Mum, I need soap, man. Proper soap too.

I mean you can have all the perfumed stuff you like,

but if I don't get that yellow stuff,

I can't promise you won't have grease on the sheets.

See this, this is a serious problem in my industry, you know.

This is the certification of cleaning products.

different kinds of soap on your shelf.

telling everyone it's all right to use moisturiser,

look after their skin, spend ?30 or ?50 on a pair of pants.

That's chaos. Body washes, shower gels, the works.

Oh, you lot shut up! What's the matter with you?

What's all this? You like it? You look ridiculous.

Stop with the ridiculous bit, all right?

I'm embracing the whole Michael Moon ethos.

Don't listen to what they're bothered about.

If it's just going to be you and me at the funeral on Tuesday - so what?

We'll celebrate Michael, give him a good sendoff,

What is you've always said? What is it...?

It's not hard to dress a good-looking man? Come on, see!

If you're going to do it, do it right. Come here.

Don't hurt me though, OK. Shut up. Go easy.

CROWD OOHS Oh, shut up, you lot!

Shush! I can't breathe. It's too small for you.

I shouldn't have had that bag of crisps!

Yeah. Close enough. Is that all right? Thank you.

Enough of your chat down there, all right!

You see? This is what I'm talking about.

This is the best day of my life. This is the best day.

Wait, if the curly fries are in here...

I'm on the verge of tears right now. I literally can't speak - argh!

We get the police involved, they find out he's lying...

So how long do we have to wait before we do something?

Is that Ian? Is he home? Oh, thank God you're OK.

Well, when you didn't show up at the court, we were thinking...

Well, we didn't know what had happened to you.

Right. So what was all that talk about doing the right thing then?

Look, can we not talk about it now? Where were you?

Look, I know you were worried about me, OK.

But I just needed some space. It's been a stressful time.

But, look, instead of going to jail, a man's come home to his family.

Yeah, well - we're just glad to have you back.

I ain't going to beg. Just do what you gotta do, yeah?

Are you kidding? How is he not your son?

Every time you go to the shop... This is not every time.

So...was it Carl then? Who set you up?

Let's not worry about that now, shall we?

What, and he doesn't pay for that? You just sitting in a jail?

I dunno - weren't that bad in there, really.

Kirsty's been brilliant in the kitchen.

No, she has. She's been amazing, Dad.

Yeah, I've...I've just got loads of work to do.

I just have work to do. What's the matter with you?

Just let me go, please. What's the matter?

I actually believed that you could do something like that.

Abs, I didn't do it, did I? Yeah, but I thought you could.

And I don't know if I thought that because I'm a bad person or...

Max does a runner, you've got his back.

Anything goes wrong, you're going to do a 25 stretch.

Don't know if any of them would kill for me.

Unless they had a personal grudge. We ain't got a grudge, eh?

Because I know it was cos of you that I went through that windscreen.

Because you...you released my seat belt.

It was between me and Max at the time.

You were...you were collateral damage.

Do you want a glass? No. No...it's perfect.

Max, listen - I'll go if you want me to go.

Just say. No - you've been here, you've been looking after the girls.

Kirsty, what I said to you when I was inside,

when I dumped you and...didn't want to see you again,

you know it was cos Carl was threatening Lauren.

It weren't right, what I said to you.

It's OK. But it weren't right, was it?

Why are you home? Why didn't Ian show up?

I don't want to talk about it. I just want to sit here.

I'll get you another. I'm all right, thanks.

Are you OK? Yeah, I'm fine. I just...

Bet you didn't see that coming, did you? Max bottling it.

What, you think I can't take care of this myself?

Got an alibi? Made sure no-one's seen us?

Don't know how you'll do that, they're everywhere these days.

Yeah, I've finished. So you'd best get on with it.

Postcard or anything? Greece, weren't it?

Cos that'd be weird, if you haven't heard from her.

Hello, I'm Ellie Crisell with your 90 second update.

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