22/11/2013 EastEnders

Ready, steady...get him!

He looks like he's wet himself!

Oi. What are you two doing?

We're just chilling.

How's he been?

He's been good as gold

apart from getting Roxy wet with the water pistol.

-Taught him well, ain't I?

-Yeah.

You'd better get going.

You've got a stag do to get ready for.

Yeah. I gotta go, Tommy. Give me a kiss.

Be a good boy for Mummy.

Good luck for tomorrow, yeah?

-Thank you.

-Come here.

-See you later.

-See ya.

-Bye, Tommy. See you, buddy.

Come on you, let's go in.

MUSIC: "I Love It" by Icona Pop

At last! Right, time for you to get changed.

The stag's off.

What? You told me to organise it!

Yeah, yeah, I know what I said but...

we've just buried Michael, you know?

All the more reason for you to let your hair down. There you go.

And you're sure you've got everything covered, yeah?

Oh, yeah. The full Ian Beale experience.

Why does that not fill me with confidence?

-Look, you won't regret it, all right? I promise you!

-OK.

Nan said you were here.

We just wanted to see if you were all right.

Yeah, I'm fine.

Kim's given me a room back at the B&B.

Dad asked us to pack up the rest of your things, so...

What happened?

We just had a row.

We'll make it up. We always do.

OK. Well, we should probably go...

-Stop pushing!

-Here she is. The bride-to-be!

-Hey!

Dead woman walking, more like.

-Er, who you are?

-This is Tina, my little sister.

-Do you mind if I tag along?

-No. No! More the merrier.

-Right, hen night. We've got a few essentials.

-Ooh!

Got you a veil, garter...

-Handcuffs!

-What do I need handcuffs for?

You'll find out soon enough.

-KNOCK AT DOOR

-I'll get it! It's all right.

He's up to something, you know.

So what time did you tell everyone to get to the club?

Seven.

What if no-one shows up?

Course they're going to show up! Stop worrying and get that down you.

Nothing is going to go wrong.

My invitation got lost in the post again, did it?

Aunt Sal! Who invited you?

Phil said to bring a bottle.

-Right, you girls have fun, yeah?

-HE LAUGHS

I'd avoid the Blackwall Tunnel if I was you.

Gridlocked.

Bianca not about?

Not unless she's hiding under the table.

Bit early for that, ain't it?

Christmas season's just round the corner.

Helps to get the punters into the spirit of things.

Plus the extra tips don't go amiss.

Yeah, seeing as you've got, what, six kids to look after now?

Yeah, well when you put it like that.

Must make things very complicated, I suppose. Christmas, I mean.

I don't follow.

Well, them having to divide their time between you and the wife.

Ex-wife.

Whose turn is it this year?

To be honest with you, we always spend it together.

Saves on the earache in the long run.

Tel? I'm in here.

-All right?

-Look at you, two thick as thieves.

-I'm going to have a bath.

-No. You stay where you are.

-I'm going to make myself scarce. Where's the kids?

-In bed.

-Ah!

Nice. This is beautiful.

-Come on then!

-Oh. Where is everybody?

If they've got any sense, they'll have gone to the stag.

Someone put the flamin' lights on!

MUSIC: "Insomnia" by Faithless

You came! Wooo!

Right, let's get this party started.

Ronnie, I love it. Thank you so much.

Sal, get that down your neck.

So, you all ready for tomorrow, Roxy?

As ready as I'll ever be.

My husband's going to pop down the stag later and introduce himself

-to Alfie.

-So what's he like then?

-He has his moments.

He ain't that northern bloke, is he? I've bagged him for myself.

-The one with the dark hair and leather jacket? Sexy stubble?

-Yeah, yeah.

I don't fancy your chances there, darling. He was eyeing me up before.

-You're practically a married woman!

-There's nothing wrong with window shopping, is there?

Just as long as you don't open your purse!

LAUGHTER It took guts. You coming back here.

Well, that's one word for it.

I'm proud of you.

We all are.

Thanks, Sal.

Right, everybody grab a glass. Here we go.

Thank you.

Grab one, honey.

Right.

A toast! To the happy couple.

Hang on a minute! I don't even know his name yet.

Yes, you do, Aunt Sal.

Alfie.

It's Alfie Moon.

What's she marrying that clown for?

-Cheers!

-Cheers!

-Why can't we start yet?

-Because we're going to wait for the groom.

I still can't believe Alfie left you in charge.

-Let's at least give Ian a chance.

-Thank you.

I mean, he's had more stag dos than the rest of us put together!

So, what have you got in store then, Beale? Strippers?

-Casino?

-I fancy one of those party buses. Couple of those hostesses.

All will be revealed in due course.

Ian! Could I have a word?

For once you're going to do as you're told. Come on! Round here.

So if he's Alfie Moon, does that make you Mr Spoon?

Oi! Come on, Ian's been working his proverbials off for tonight.

Yeah, I have! Now, gentlemen, let the games...commence!

-Right, come on then. Twister first!

-He's having a laugh, ain't he?

Come on!

Trace, give us a shot of rum or something.

What are you doing dressed like that?

I just fancied a bath and an early night.

Not if I've got anything to do with it, you're not.

How comes you ain't over at Roxy's?

Never could stand that silly cow.

I'll go and get a couple of straws, shall I?

LAUGHTER AND MUSIC

You are going to get flummoxed.

We're going to make sure of it.

Here y'are.

ALL: Down it, down it, down it, down it...

You know, it was so nice of Roxy to invite me.

Not exactly spoilt for choice, was she?

-What the hell is in that?

-They call it a head...

-Ronnie!

-Yeah?

-Where is he?

-Who?

-The stripper!

Well I might have got you something for your entertainment!

Butlers in the buff!

Perhaps it's that northerner that you were talking about earlier.

He can chain me to the chair any time he likes, darling.

Excuse me! This is Rhoda.

Rhoda's a palm reader.

-Which one's the bride to be?

-That one. That one right there.

-So, come on. Let's take a look at you.

-No, I'm first!

What? I reckon I'm owed a bit of good luck, don't you?

Hi. You got that, erm...

You know that Groove Armada, "I see you baby, shakin' that..." yeah?

I take it she's got your blessing?

In that case, it's down to you to put a stop to it.

Wooo! Ron!

Ron, you remember this?

I think it's about time you two showed us

how you pulled in the punters in Ibiza.

No, I'm too old for that!

I am game if you are.

-Come on, Ron!

-No! I'm going to sit it out.

Whether you like it or not, she's getting married in the morning.

I'm trying.

Try harder.

All right, Rox.

Yay!

# I see you, baby

# Shaking that ass

# Shaking that ass

# Shaking that ass

# I see you, baby

# Shaking that ass... #

Is this really exciting or what, eh?

Right foot on green.

Where is the green?

Right foot on green.

Careful!

-This is stupid!

-What?

We should be stripping him naked and putting him on a ferry somewhere.

Billy, calm down. He's probably got something up his sleeve for later,

-ain't ya?

-Well, if she's not blonde, tall and carrying a python,

I ain't interested.

It's Alfie, right?

Dunno, mate, depends who's asking.

Sorry, pal. Jake Stone.

My missus runs the salon on Turpin Road.

Yeah, yeah. Alfie Moon.

Come say hello to everyone.

Erm, ladies, listen up. This is, erm... Sorry, what's your name?

-Jake.

-Jake. Sadie's old man.

-All right, Jake. How are you doing?

-Right...

shots coming through. Jake, do you want one?

-No.

-Wise man.

Come and get 'em. Everyone got one?

-That's mine.

-Right, let's have a toast, yeah?

To the next Mrs Moon...

Hold on. Before we do that...

Can we raise our glasses to Michael. I know how you all felt about him

but he's still my cousin and, well, he should've been here. OK? So...

-To Michael.

-Michael. Lovely.

Boys, give me a sec, yeah?

-All right, Alfie?

-All right, Max.

Listen, mate, whatever Alice did...

Max, I don't want to talk about that. OK? Not today.

-If you don't mind.

-Right. I'll leave you to it.

Nah. Don't go. It's my big night, ain't it?

Come and have a drink with me, yeah?

Er, yeah, yeah.

-Alfie?

-Yeah?

-How does it feel to finally become a Mitchell?

Through marriage!

An East End family revered for centuries.

-You mean reviled.

-I'll wear it as a badge of honour.

What I can't understand is how a guy like Alfie Moon can end up

with a girl like Roxy.

-Me, you can imagine...

-Shut up, you pair of tarts!

No, you're looking at the Moon magic.

Come on, Alfie. We all know you're punching above your weight.

-I'll second that.

-She worships the ground he walks on. Muppet!

So don't screw it up.

Thank you for your vote of confidence, Phillip.

-To Roxy!

-Roxy.

To Roxy.

Come on! They can't have been all bad.

Garry Hobbs?

-Wasn't he married to your sister?

-Yeah. Don't ask!

Andy Hunter.

DEEP VOICE: Anthony Trueman!

-Then you married Alfie.

-Yep. One and a half times.

Still...things can only get better, eh?

How do you mean?

Well, you've found your Terry.

Now it's time for me to start looking, eh?

You going to be all right about tomorrow?

It's none of my business.

So you're telling me, if Alfie knocked on that door

right now, you wouldn't just want to snog his face off?

That's not going to happen.

That's not what I asked.

Me and Alfie are over,

and it's time to look to the future.

Another glass?

This time tomorrow, Ron, I'm going to be Mrs Alfie Moon.

You're sure it's what you really want?

Yeah. Why would you say that?

I just want to make sure that you're not having any last minute wobbles or anything.

This time tomorrow, OK, I'm going to have everything I ever wanted.

I see a chequered history with men.

There's no flies on Miss Marple here!

-She's been married three times!

-Three?

-Yeah. One of them was my ex!

-Kevin?! You poor cow.

Right. I reckon it's the bride-to-be's turn now.

Yeah, come on. Give it to me straight, Rhoda.

I see he's a kind man. A gentle disposition.

We called it 'simple' in my day.

-Alfie's one of a kind, all right.

-He adores her.

-You make him sound like a golden retriever!

-At least they're good for something.

-Are we going to be happy?

What she means is, does she have to worry about Kat?

-Just ignore her, Rox.

-Well, she has got a point.

-Who rattled your cage?

-I'm just saying, you know, it can't be easy,

can it? Living across the Square from your husband's ex.

I trust Alfie.

But can you trust Kat?

Kat ain't a problem.

Ron, have a word with this lot, will you?

I'm going to go and get the cake.

Ronnie!

-I wonder what she'll be wearing tomorrow?

-Who?

Roxy! Bet it'll be something really trashy.

I don't want to talk about her.

Next year, it's all going to change for me, you know.

What do you mean?

Well, now Alfie's getting hitched,

it gives me a chance to think more clearly.

-I thought we wasn't going to talk about him?

-It's not easy,

living across the Square from them two, you know.

I know.

-That's why I just want tomorrow over and done with.

-Yeah.

He's not my problem any more, is he?

I wish them well.

I do. I really wish 'em well.

-What are you getting upset for?

-Can't you and him...

No! No, listen, I had my chance and I blew it.

So why don't you ask Terry to start introducing me

-to some of his single mates, yeah?

-Yeah.

Oh, sorry.

His hand's shaking!

That's because you're stood over me, ain't ya!

-Here you go, mate.

-Oh, cheers.

-It's Jake, ain't it?

-Yeah.

-Max.

My wife - or ex-wife - used to own the salon.

-Nice to meet you.

-Yeah.

Nah, don't worry about him cos I'm the Jenga ninja champion.

Tel... Walford to Greenwich.

-A124...

-Yep.

-..A13...

-Yep.

..A102M,

A207.

He's amazing!

THEY ALL CHEER

Nah, nah, nah, that was the vibrations from the Tube, that was!

The nerves are getting to you, Alf.

Yeah, as if, Billy.

That'll be it, Alfie, won't it?

No more room for manoeuvre after today.

That never stopped you before, has it, Max?

Well, if I could turn back the clock, Phil...

Says the man who gets caught.

Face facts. I mean, most men don't know how to be faithful.

Don't judge us with your standards, Billy.

So what were you and Jane doing, eh? Swapping recipes?

So you think most women wouldn't stray then?

Of course they would. You've only got to look at...

-Don't stop on my account, Billy.

-Nice one, Billy.

-I didn't mean Kat.

-Who were you talking about then?

Little Mo? Anyway, we've all been there, ain't we?

-Been where?

-Had an ex that we want to see the back of.

Or in Ian's case, she'd want to see the back of him!

Well, Kat's always going to be a part of Tommy's life, all right?

Yeah, that's half the problem. There's no escaping them, is there?

-Looks like you're stuck with each other now.

-How many have we had between us?

We're talking double figures.

So you take it from someone who knows, Alfie.

You draw a line in the sand and you move on.

You don't look back. All right?

Come on, you. Spill.

What are you talking about?

Alfie, I'm not only your best man, I'm your best mate.

I can read you like a book.

It just feels really weird being here, Ian.

Knowing that this is where me and Kat got married.

I just thought...

Thought what?

That there wouldn't be anyone else.

Hey, come on. This is the drink talking.

-You reckon, do you?

-Yeah.

You're probably right. I'm going to pop out and get some air.

Do me a favour, just keep this lot entertained, yeah?

Cheers.

CHEERING

Right, come on, Sal -

you must have a bit of advice for the bride-to-be?

Oh, what's the point? It'll all end in tears. It always does.

-Aunt Sal!

-Well, it's true!

The women in our family are cursed when it comes to men.

-Well, let's hope Alfie's the one to break the mould, eh?

-Thank you.

What about you, Ron?

You got any advice?

Why don't I go and get some plates?

I asked you a question.

You don't want to know what I think.

-Yeah, I do.

-Let's not do this here.

Let's not do what here?

-If you've got something to say, then just say it.

-Please, Roxy!

Just tell me!

He still loves her.

-SHE LAUGHS

-He doesn't.

Yes, he does. It's written all over his face.

They can see it.

I can see it.

The only person who can't see it...

..is you.

You are wrong.

I wish I was.

What do you know about relationships anyway?

You make out like Jack was some knight in shining armour.

Well, I tell you something,

it didn't stop him sleeping with me, did it?

I am not doing this. Not tonight.

You know what your problem is, Ronnie? You -

you can't bear to see anyone else happy.

Well, I'm really, really sorry that my life

is not as screwed up as yours is.

I'm sorry, Kat. I don't know what's come over me.

That cheap bottle of wine, I reckon.

Yeah.

Listen, now you deserve someone who's going to

worship the ground you walk on.

Cos there ain't no-one like you, Kat Slater.

-You say that like it's a good thing.

-Yeah, it is. See you later!

-Love you!

-Yeah. Love you more.

What have you forgotten?

HE BURPS

Trace, vodka and coke, and make it a double.

-Hey. Where's the groom?

-He's done a runner.

Shame, I was saving a special dance just for him.

-Shame to make it a wasted trip.

-Yeah.

What's the matter with you? Look at the state of you.

I'm just having a good time.

Take this. Get some food and sober up.

-Why are you doing this?

-I don't hate you, do I?

Listen, why can't we just forget about Carl

and give it another try, yeah?

Just forget what happened... Max, please!

-Right, I'm calling it a night.

-I'm right behind you.

Give me that. Drink it.

-What is it?

-It's coffee, drink it.

-Is it hot?

-Oh, shut up.

Ha-ha-haa!

I thought you'd be in some seedy night club by now.

Nah.

That's not my bag, is it? I didn't fancy all that.

No.

Me and B have been putting the world to rights.

Science, politics, men.

You name it, we've solved it.

I want you there tomorrow, Kat.

What are you talking about?

Like, me and you. We're like a team, ain't we?

You're drunk.

No, I'm serious, all right.

Budge up.

Like, you know,

I want you there tomorrow. You know, me and you and Tommy at the church.

Have you taken a bang to the head or something? Why are you saying all this?

-Cos you're my best friend.

-I'm your wife!

At least I was.

Do you really think I can stand in that church

and watch you two get married?

I'm not doing it unless you're there.

-Stop this, please.

-Kat, I mean it.

This isn't fair. You can't come round here saying all this.

You are marrying Roxy, right?

You. Me. This...

..Us... It's over.

You don't mean that.

You're not my Alfie any more.

I'll always be your Alfie.

So, does anyone want a drink?

Yeah, I'm in.

You know that guy you were talking about, that northern fella?

Oh, yeah.

That's my husband.

You know what?

She can't talk to me like this.

Roxy.

Roxy!

What has Alfie...ever done to you?

What's he done to make you hate him so much?

I don't hate him.

Then why can't you just be happy for me, Ron?

Because he's not right for you.

There you go again.

There you go again.

-You don't even know him.

-I've seen enough.

I used to be so jealous of you, do you know that?

I did.

You had everything, didn't you?

Look at you now.

-Can we do this when you're not drunk?

-No.

Alfie was right about you.

All along, Alfie was right about you.

All you have done since you've been back here is stir up trouble.

And it stops here!

You, stay away

-from that church tomorrow...

-Please, Roxy...

..and you stay away from me.

No! No, I can't do this.

I can't do this.

Me and you, yeah, we are no good for each other.

-Don't say that.

-I've hurt enough people.

I'm not like that any more. I want you to go.

Will you just go?!

ROXY: Grandad?

What are you doing?

Just, just...

Just grabbing a bit of fresh air.

Ron's not coming to the wedding.

Oh, Rox. Come here.

Come on! What did you talk about?

-No. We'll discuss it in the morning.

-Discuss what?

LOUD KNOCK AT DOOR Who's that?

Take that up. Put it next to my bed.

You've got to get someone to look after the stall tomorrow.

Why? What's going on?

I've got to go. I can't stay here.

I've messed up, B.

Kat, where are you going?

I'm leaving.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd