09/01/2014 EastEnders

-JOHNNY GASPS

-Wake up, everybody, rise and shine!

I'm up! How come you slept there?

Cos Tina passed out on my floor at 4 am

and I was getting drunk off the fumes. MICK CONTINUES BANGING POTS

Some of us are trying not to throw up here!

-Good night, was it?

-Yeah, you missed out.

-Did you pull?

Don't ask. Your Auntie Shirl, she was a hit.

-Do I look like a lezzer?

-Linda!

Yes, Mick, you gorgeous man, you.

Right, you 'orrible lot. I want all hands on deck.

We've got our very first engagement party in the pub!

-Whose engagement party?

-Ian Beale. Runs that restaurant.

You know, he looks a bit like a...

A weasel? THEY LAUGH

-But it's all sorted.

-Yeah, but I've been up half the night

worrying about it. The catering's got to be top notch.

I run a restaurant, after all.

Oh, really, Ian(?) I thought you flew rockets to the moon.

You, erm...you off already?

Yeah.

Thought I'd take my stuff round Lola's - well, ours - before work.

Erm...

Ohhh...

-I'm only going to be round the corner.

-Yeah, I know. I know.

This is silly. I'm going to see you tonight anyway, at the Vic.

-Ta-ta.

-See you.

-See you.

You know, you don't have to bother.

-If you're not in the mood? With the party.

-No, I am. I am.

I know you think I'm fussing, but it's our engagement party,

-I want it to be special, OK? See you in a bit.

-See you.

There's no way I'm working at Ian Beale's engagement.

-Shirl!

-Mick!

All right, well you can drop my car keys off at the garage.

Got a bit of fan belt trouble.

-What's this?

-Party bag. Next time you're coming with, OK?

-Let's have a look!

-Nance!

-LINDA:

-Brew's up.

-There you go. Now, has anyone thought about food?

-KNOCK ON DOOR

-We're not open until 11, mate.

-It's Ian!

-All right? It's about tonight.

-Oh, yeah?

Yeah, yeah. My fiancee, Denise,

she made the booking, which would have been fine in Alfie's time,

but I need a few more details before I can finalise the reservation.

-Details?

-Yeah, who's the chef?

That'd be me.

Right. What're you planning on cooking?

Well, we usually do sandwiches. Right, Mick?

Look, you might not have heard of me,

I've got quite a reputation round here, no offence,

but people will be expecting a bit more than cheese and pickle.

Really? Well, maybe you haven't heard of me yet,

-but I'm not the sort of woman you want to...

-The thing is, Ian,

we've been in the pub game about 20 years. We know a thing or two

about throwing a party. No disrespect to Alfie, but I'm

the guvnor now and I think you're going to love the way we run things.

So, why don't we have a sit down, we'll have a nice cuppa tea

and we'll all work out a menu we can agree on. Yeah?

Yeah.

-All right?

-All right, Lauren? Where'd you get to last night?

Just Lucy's.

-It's a car, Max, not a woman.

-Yeah, this motor will do more for

business than any woman ever could.

Dad! I find that statement insulting on many levels.

-Nice to see you've taken my advice, Max.

-What's that, then?

The niche car market, I mentioned it a few weeks back.

Finally swallowed your pride, eh? Good man.

He reminds me of someone.

-Nice car.

-Ain't you got the message yet?

I just thought that if we both slept on it...?

What? You thought I might just forget the last year ever happened?

Look, I'm skint, Max. The B&B's still after a week's deposit.

You found a way out of that problem last time.

Yeah, but we are technically still married!

Well, we ain't married, Kirsty. We're not!

Not if you sign the papers, we ain't.

What am I supposed to do?

You just chucked me out like a piece of rubbish.

I'm a person! I have needs!

-What's this?

-All you're going to get.

SHE SIGHS

What?

-Well, we're looking forward to it.

-Where are you sourcing the ingredients from?

-Because seasonal produce is a must.

-Obviously.

And we've got a very special arrangement with our supplier.

-Don't you worry about that, Ian.

-OK. Mick, pleasure to finally meet you.

-Likewise.

-Linda.

-Ian.

Just close the door on your way out, yeah?

Melt.

-When you said about "the supplier" you meant the shop next door, innit?

-Yeah.

How are we going to get all this done, eh?!

I can't even say half this stuff.

I mean what's a blinny when it's at home?!

Blini. Don't worry, I'll help you, Mum.

You and me make a crack team. SHE SIGHS

-There you go, love. Cheers.

-So, you just up and left?

-Too right I did. Swiped the remote an' all.

-What did you do that for?

Should've heard him, Kat!

"What does it matter where I got me telly?!" Flash.

Let me get this straight, because I'm a bit confused,

he cooks you a slap-up meal, treats you like a lady,

doesn't mention his ex once, until YOU bring her up,

and then you stomp out in a huff with his remote shoved up your top?

So?

Oh, Denise, it's gorgeous.

Ian can really surprise you sometimes, can't he?

-Anyway, I'll see you tonight.

-See you tonight.

What's tonight?

Oh, engagement party at the Vic. You coming?

-Oh, yeah, sure.

-Bro? My leaving drinks?

Erm... Both at the Vic?

-Yes, because we can muddle in together, can't we?

-Yeah, fantastic.

I would have thought my brother would've sorted out a special meal,

cake, organised some dancing girls to see me on my merry way, but

muddling in with Ian Beale's 87th engagement party is totally fine.

You're buying these. Leaving gift. I wonder what they are?

-Don't, Mas.

-I didn't say anything.

-I'm happy.

-Then I'm happy for you.

You know, I still can't believe The Fox is going to marry your dad.

-The Fox?

-No, I'm saying, I think they're going to make a good couple.

-Be good together.

-You all right? You left pretty sharpish this morning.

-So?

-No news?

Said I'd tell you, didn't I?!

So, you coming then?

-I dunno. It's a bit awkward, innit.

-Why?

-SHE GASPS

-I never told you!

Me and Johnny had a little kiss.

-SHE SQUEALS

-When?!

-Shush.

-When?

-Last week.

But he ain't called me back, so I don't think he's that interested.

Well, that doesn't necessarily mean anything. He could be shy.

-Wish he weren't.

-Whit!

He's the first guy I've liked since Tyler.

Who is? Johnny?

Keep your voice down.

You know what, to tell you the truth I kind of thought he, erm...

You know, he was like... You know...

-Kind of...

-No, he's not.

Do you think?

No. No.

Well, I wouldn't give up just yet.

Pretty girl like you, I'm sure you don't get turned down too often.

Anyway, I'm going to go. I'll see you later, all right?

-Yeah.

-Take it easy.

Ain't you worried?

Oh, look, just forget it!

Oh! Just been speaking to Carl's mum.

She hasn't spoken to him since New Year's Eve.

Weird, don't you think?

No, the only thing that's weird is you banging on about it to me.

Dodgy stuff happens round here and you're usually involved.

Oh! Cheers.

How are you even his sister? You don't look like Mick.

-I got all the looks.

-Oh, yeah? Older or younger?

Just make sure it's in by lunchtime. Yeah?

Shirl. Can I have a word?

Remember when you spilt engine oil on Mum's new carpet?

Remember?! Her screams still echo through my nightmares.

How long was it before she spoke to you again?

I dunno, like a couple of weeks and a lot of washing up.

Always thought it'd be Dad who'd have the problem with me being...

you know?

Weird, innit, she used to have a right laugh with her hairdresser.

Always nosing in on his sex life.

Oi, stop moping about and get stuck in with the party.

She will come round, you'll see.

Cheers, babe.

Here you are.

-Sausage!

-She don't even call me that any more.

There you go.

-Well, a thank-you would be nice.

-Thanks(!)

-I take it this belongs to you?

-No.

Not really, Tina got it for me, I didn't ask her to...

Just don't leave it lying about, I'm trying to keep a tidy ship here.

You decorating?

What you doing here?

You're unbelievable, you know that?

Help you, shall I? Begins with S. Ends with an "orry".

-Sorry.

-What was all that about last night?!

I'm scared, Tel.

I just don't want to get hurt again.

Look, I'll never let that happen again.

Why don't we give it another go?

-Even after last night?

-KEY TURNS IN THE LOCK

Only me!

-Has she got a key?!

-Have you got a key?!

Got a spare cut when I had the kids.

Rosie said you hadn't done much.

Oh, hello.

Is it safe to enter or have you got a turkey sandwich in your pocket?

You can't just come tramping in here like this, Nikki. You know that.

-I haven't got time to bicker, Tel, I just need the kids' passports.

-Why?

-Because I've got stand-by tickets for Lapland to make up for Christmas.

-No. That ain't happening.

-They'll be back in a couple of days.

-Yeah, and they've got school.

Travel is an education in itself, Tel.

-I'll see you later, then.

-Bianca, wait.

There's a party in the Vic tonight, I'll see you there, yeah?

Maybe.

So, the passports?

-What's in the bags?

-My life.

Where's Max?

He chucked me out again. Won't even give me the time of day

and Carl's not picking up the phone either.

Can you blame them?

Look at you, wandering the streets like a stray dog, whining.

-Are you asking for a smack?

-Fighting talk? My type of language.

Yeah, well, I'm not a dog, all right?

Then don't act like one. Look, get some self-respect and move on.

Don't let the slime balls round here hold you back.

What am I supposed to do? I don't even have any money.

-Max's just left me high and dry.

-You've got brains, haven't you?

Try using them before they're pickled for good.

-Mum, I'll do that. Go and sit down.

-I know what I'm doing.

Oh! Flamin' box!

Will you tell your dad downstairs ain't a storage room

while he paints upstairs!

-What time's this party starting again?

-Seven.

Wow! How did you not get bullied at school?

-I could ask you the same question!

-I smelled burning, what's happened?

I sorted it.

Oh! Whose crime against fashion was this?

Blimey, Mick, even I remember that!

I've been looking for an '80s jacket like this for ages.

Oi, that's '90s, that is! And that's a man's article of clothing.

-Swore blind it'd been thrown out.

-Must've snuck its way back in.

Used to think he was the nuts in it.

He'd like swing it over his shoulder and lean on stuff.

THEY LAUGH You fell for that, Mum?

Oh, he was the best-looking boy in the school.

Urgh! I saw tongue then!

Were these mine?

SHE GASPS

-What?

-Tracey's fending off raging traders out there...

-What is it?

-What is it, Shirl?

THEY LAUGH

Yeah, all right. Look, leave it. I was young and naive...

And cold, by the looks of it.

Yeah, all right. That's enough fun for today,

Johnny, put that box up in the loft, please, pronto.

-Cheers!

-Do you think I'm being paranoid?

What do you mean?

Terry says he wants to give it another shot

and he says there's nothing going on and I do LIKE him, he makes me

laugh and I fancy him something rotten and he's a good dad, but

say this is my last chance of being happy and not just someone's mum?

And then on the other hand, she's got herself a key cut. Who does that without asking?

Unless he's told her to do it without saying it, you know?

And that's what worries me, because I am not being made a mug of again.

-Not by that silly little cow.

-OK, breathe.

You are in a state, aren't you?

I don't like seeing you like this, darling.

What should I do then?

He wants to meet me in the Vic later.

Well, don't go. I know you're good together,

but Nikki is always going to be part of the Terry package, isn't she?

She was his first love. And that runs deep, trust me.

You don't want that hanging over you for the rest of your life, do you?

No.

Oh, that's nice.

Yeah. I might not wear it. Spur of the moment thing.

It might be, I don't know, a bit young for me...

-A bit young? Shut up.

-So, cooking for Peter, are we?

Yeah, it's his first night with us, so...

-Never cooked for me.

-Ah, diddums.

So, you got your family coming tonight?

-My daughters can't make it.

-For your own engagement?

Well, they would if they could, it's just, you know,

I gave them such short notice. They're busy girls.

-They'll be at the wedding though.

-It don't matter anyway, cos Patrick'll be there, won't he?

No, actually, he's come down with the lurgy.

That's £12.65, please, darling.

Splashing the cash, aren't we?

Yeah, well, he's worth it, ain't he?

Your change.

Denise, I really think you should wear that dress.

Trust me, you're going to look good. See ya.

Damn straight. Hello again.

Have you got a death wish? If my dad sees you!

Being brave just for you, babe. Laters.

Why are the bad ones always so sexy?

You all right?

Johnny.

-Johnny, listen. Mick, is that your dad?

-Yeah.

Yeah, he's not out the front, is it all right if I leave his keys here?

-Sure. Sorry, meant to move that.

-No, don't worry about it.

-MICROWAVE PINGS

-All right, cheers, bruv.

-Yeah, thanks.

Rosie's on her way to see Santa's house.

Well, you wouldn't like it.

It's freezing cold and you have to eat fish NOT in fingers

and everyone knows that Santa's gone on holiday in January.

-Imagine how the teachers'll kick off when she's not there on Monday.

-PHONE BEEPS

She's having a sleigh ride pulled by huskies.

Right, that is it. No texting at the dinner table.

I bet it's Nikki sending these flaming texts.

Don't you think that Terry would be there, right now, in Lapland

if he wanted to be with Nikki, huh?!

-Now are you coming to the Vic or not?

-Not!

Do you know what I'd give to have your choices again, Bianca?

You're still young and yet you're standing there frightened to

live life in case something bad happens to you.

Well, I've got news for you, it's going to happen to you whether you

like it or not, so you might as well get out there and take a chance.

Right, Peter said he's going to meet us there.

-Oh, well, Lola said she was going to cook him a meal first.

-Really?

Beans on toast does not qualify as a meal.

No, that ain't mine.

Oh, that's Jane's, she left it here the other day.

Said I'd put it in the post to her.

Right, come on.

You look lovely, Mum.

It's just me.

Same as before.

Same as that little baby you had in the hospital.

I was tiny, weren't I?

Hard to believe an actual human foot fit in these.

Only two pound!

But you were strong even then. I held out my little finger and...

I gripped it back.

Are you absolutely sure?

Sure?

Because that Whitney, she really is a lovely girl

and you looked so good together.

Why don't you just try, eh?

For me?

-To the happy couple.

-ALL: Cheers!

-Champagne?

-Of course.

-Maybe move onto the cava next.

-Ian!

-Congratulations, guys.

-Thank you.

Yeah. Happy life. Er, wedding. What is it? Engagement thing.

Smooth, Tam, smooth.

Prepare yourselves, prepare yourselves, cos

this ain't for the faint-hearted.

Oh, my days! Is that Linda Carter, bruv?!

I've been looking for that high and low.

Why is the world so cruel? Just as I'm about to leave the Square, a goddess appears in our midst.

Hello, boys, looks like you're having fun there!

-Mini beef burger?

-Thank you.

Mini beef burger?

Good luck, darlin'!

-Now, let me have some of that first.

-Get involved, my love, get involved.

Mick!

-You look nice, Lauren.

-Oh, thank you. So do you.

-Dad, shall we go sit over there?

-Yeah. All right?

Save us a seat, would you? My feet are killing me after today.

-Congratulations.

-Thanks for coming. Appreciate it.

-Thanks. Thank you so much. Thanks.

-Billy!

-Bill, have a look at this, mate.

-No way!

-She'd eat you for breakfast.

-Mate, any time of the day or night.

-What are you doing?

-Whoa!

-Huh.

Babe, Pops, I wasn't looking! Dex, tell her I wasn't looking.

He wasn't looking...

Because I'm happy. I've got everything that I need at home.

-You're so beautiful and voluptuous...

-Oh...

-Kind, and sweet...

-I can't watch this.

You're a pig!

Denise, is Wayne still at the B&B?

No, no, he's checked out. He's bad news, that one, you know.

SHE SLURS Max, Max, come here, come here, come here...

What's the matter with you? What's the matter with you? You're drunk!

-Just get off me, will you?

-All right. I'm going!

-Same again, Tracey, please.

-I'm going.

Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me.

Thank you.

You didn't take my advice then?

What makes you say that?

Something about holey socks makes me really sad.

Has anyone got any chewing gum?

-Why? Who're you kissing?

-Shut up. See you later.

-Right, that's it. Get me make-up, Tiff.

-Really?

She ain't coming.

I had a chat with her earlier, she made it perfectly clear, Terry.

Time to give up, mate.

Give us a small whisky, please, darling.

Congratulations, this is from both of us.

Oh. Thank you.

I didn't sign it.

No, but look, look, you gave us a little kiss.

CAR HORN OUTSIDE

Peter. Get yourself a pint. Welcome to the family.

You're all right, Bill, I've already got champagne.

It's a bird's drink, isn't it? You're living with a Mitchell now.

-Right, I'm off to get Lex.

-All right then, I'll see you later.

-CAR HORN

-All right?

Max, there's something out here you might want to see.

Oi! What are you playing at?! Get out of there!

Out!

You wanted a divorce. You've got it.

Cheap at the price.

I had to have one last cuddle, didn't I?

Oh and, by the way,

when you were picturing Tanya, I was picturing someone with hair

and muscles. And a little bit more downstairs.

THEY LAUGH

Goodbye, Max.

Here you are.

Birds, eh?

Come on then, Dad. She's gone, it's finally over, innit?

Yeah.

You owe me.

-What you doing out here?

-Just going to head home.

It's only early, babe.

Yeah, well, Ian Beale's engagement party don't really do it for me.

-I'll see you at home, yeah?

-OK.

Feel this. Could get better quality down the pound shop.

And these blinis, THAT is like cardboard.

And what on earth is that supposed to be?

Denise, I was just wondering why you've still got your coat on.

-No, I've...

-You're not shy, are you?

-No!

-Well...

You look fantastic.

Told you you'd look gorgeous.

You're sweet.

-Tonight is seriously making me reassess my upper age limit, you know.

-I would.

-Me and all.

-If I had a time machine, I probably...

-You have not?

-I'm being silly.

So, do you like it?

-It's nice.

-Nice?

Yeah. You might want to pop a cardi on.

Hello, Whitney. You're looking beautiful.

Johnny'll serve you, right, love?

Vodka tonic, please.

Glasses to clear, Dad's orders. Sorry.

DOOR CREAKS OPEN

Oi! Bruv, I'm looking at the paper!

-What are you doing?

-That's my mum!

-Do you want it, yeah?

Get off him. Mick, Mick, leave it!

They were looking at you. They're perverts!

They were looking at this?

Think that makes them perverts?

Come on, Johnny, they're only blokes!

Perfectly normal, innit?

-Why're you being like this, Mum?

-Like what?

-This!

Stop whining and grow up, Johnny!

-What you having, Ian?

-No, I'm fine, thanks.