24/01/2014 EastEnders

Hurry up and take a leak.

It's good to see you're taking your parental role responsibly, Shirley.

Shouldn't she be on a lead?

Shouldn't you have a muzzle?

Well, I can't stop.

We're meeting the estate agent at half past.

Moving away so soon?

No, Sadie's salon, actually.

We're looking at it as a potential venue for my new bar.

-Not afraid of a bit of competition, are you?

-Sharon...

What am I talking about? It's not even your pub.

You just rent one of the back bedrooms.

LADY DI BARKS

Can you shut that dog up, please?

She's definitely a Carter.

Don't go near her, Di. You never know what you might catch.

You ain't so bad after all.

Have you seen the state of that kitchen?

It's like living with a pig.

I'll have a word with Nancy.

I'm talking about that feral sister of yours.

-What one?

-When's she going to start paying her way?

We can't afford to keep her.

Especially if this rising damp's going to set us back ten grand.

I still don't get why we can't ask your dad for a loan...

Forget it.

Look, I know Shirley hates him, but that don't stop us asking, does it?

I gave her my word. Come here.

No, I ain't got time. I said I'd meet Sharon at the salon.

What are you doing that for?

You're only going to get yourself worked up.

She needs my support.

And besides.

I want to know what that sneaky cow is up to.

Now, does this say successful licensee to you?

Oh...

Bit of role play, is it?

I don't believe you sometimes, Mick Carter.

This place is falling apart, your daughter is heartbroken...

She had a lucky escape. We'll never see that boy again.

..all you can think about is getting your end away.

I love it when you've got the hump. Get here now.

You got five minutes.

That's all!

SHE GIGGLES

Morning.

How long are you going to be here for?

One day? Two?

I don't know.

Ahh, look at my handsome boy.

No wonder the girls are throwing themselves at you.

-Leave it out, Mum.

-Everything all right after yesterday?

-I got you these.

-Mum!

We don't want no more little accidents.

I'm a woman in her prime -

do you really think I want to be a grandma at my age?

What's all the whispering about?

I'm going to school.

See you later.

Right...

Can I come for breakfast at the cafe?

I'm not going to the cafe, darling.

Well, then, where are you going?

You're wasted at that school, you know?

You should sign on for the police now.

What's that about the police?

Detective Morgan here. Giving me the third degree.

She's going out.

-Where you going?

-Not you as well!

-Come on, mate, I'll give you a lift to school, yeah?

-Yes!

-Get your bag.

-Oh, thanks. She stayed over last night.

-Who?

-Nikki. Trying to get her claws into Terry, ain't she?

Darling, I don't think that's the case.

I think she's set her sights elsewhere.

Catch you later.

See you later.

So, have you heard anything from the hospital?

Do you know what, Bianca?

Can I just have five minutes where I don't have to talk about cancer?

You know, anything will do. The weather, Dot's bunions.

The state of the economy.

-See you later.

-Bye.

Sorry, this is our office...

Well, it's not - it's Mr Lister's office,

but I'm the Assistant Market Inspector, Tamwar Masood.

Sorry to persist, but...

just, kind of, what are you doing in our office, really?

My office. If we're going to be pedantic.

OK, well, I'll just call Mr Lister, then...

He got marched off the premises first thing.

Aleksejs Shirov, but you can call me Mr Shirov, it's easier.

I've been shipped in from Spring Lane to knock this market into shape.

So I suggest you start thinking up a few ideas

if you want to keep hold of that job. Yeah?

-Yeah?

-Er, yeah.

OK.

So, what do you think?

Well, we could have the bar here...

and then the lounge area upstairs.

And maybe a few booths in the corner?

The gaff ain't ours yet, is it?

It's a steal and you know it.

-Ain't that right, Linda?

-Absolutely.

It's been what, Phil? 25 years since The Dagmar was here?

Walford's crying out for an upmarket bar and grill.

Grill? You never said anything about a grill.

Don't worry. Sharon's just getting ahead of herself.

-We ain't doing food.

-Why not?

-Cos there's a chippy over the road

-and a restaurant next door, that's why not.

-We'll talk about it later.

You talk about it all you want. It ain't happening.

So, when are you thinking about opening?

Tomorrow if she has her way.

Depends how quickly we can get them moving.

Sooner the better, eh?

See?! What did I tell you?

Linda's not afraid of a bit of healthy competition, are you?

As if!

So, we could have a happy hour here followed by last orders in the Vic.

Last orders?

Yeah, we could work together.

You throw the younger crowd my way

and I'll point the oldies in your direction.

-We ain't decided what we're doing here yet, mate.

-OK, sure.

So... What do you think?

Well, it ain't going to be cheap, is it?

Just as well you've got deep pockets, innit.

Of course, it's going to be very tight.

The space, I mean.

You're going to get, what? 40 people at best, in here.

That's assuming they'll give you a licence.

I mean, they don't just give them to anyone nowadays.

Still, I suppose you've thought about all this already.

You don't need me sticking my oar in.

Why didn't you reply to my texts?

I ran out of credit.

You're going to be late for school.

All right, keep your wig on.

There's a lot riding on this year.

You know who you sound like?

Just don't mess it up.

-Are you all right?

-Yeah.

You ain't been ill or nothing?

That's good.

I didn't go through with it.

I'm keeping the baby.

Your mother's worried about you.

Tell her not to bother.

He's not worth stewing over.

I'm not stewing.

-The boy is, like, a prize...

-Can you please just stop talking about him?

I just want to forget he ever happened.

That's my girl.

-It ain't like I'm short of offers, is it?

-Let's not get too hasty, eh?

-Probably best leave it about ten, 15 years, I reckon.

-Shut up.

-Ooh...

-What're you two doing?

What does it look like? We're trying to sort out this rising damp.

But you're not qualified.

Any muppet can do it. Why do you think I asked Wayne?

-But we need a professional.

-I looked it up online.

Oh, well. That's all right, then.

What am I worrying about?

It's not like there's a new bar opening down the road, is it?!

When you've finished here I want a big final push on the redecorating.

-We need it done by Monday.

-Just, slow down, OK?

-I'm thinking birds for the upstairs an' all.

-Birds? Yeah.

What are you going to be doing while we're slaving away?

I'm going to be getting Johnny started

-in the kitchen, aren't I?

-To do what?

-Didn't I tell you?

From now on we'll be serving food every day.

We've got to stay ahead of the game, haven't we?

Don't look at me like that.

I didn't know one of your mates was stuffed in there.

Talking to yourself again?

Yeah, well, at least she don't answer back.

What do you think? First day of the rest of my life.

It's a cafe.

Yeah. At least I don't have to listen to Linda banging on all day.

I've just seen Sharon over at the salon.

-It's true what Johnny said, then? About you cooking Lassie?

-Shut up!

That could've been you, you know.

If you hadn't messed things up with Phil.

Er. What you doing?

Pies are off.

You only made them yesterday.

Yeah, the meat's dodgy.

What do you mean? You said it was legit.

-It is.

-Then what's the problem?

I tell you what, Linda. Why don't you try one?

See for yourself.

Right. Chuck us a plate.

You heard her.

-Linda, listen...

-This is why you've never succeeded in life, Shirley.

-You're not prepared to take risks.

-You know what?

Stuff you and your poxy pies.

As you can see, we're a fairly well-oiled machine.

Not exactly bustling, is it?

It usually picks up around four.

This is the heart of the East End, Mr Masood.

These streets should be packed full of punters.

You know what our motto was at Spring Lane?

Market target is the target market.

Ah.

Hmm.

I reckon I should go and introduce myself to a few of our stallholders.

I'll meet you back at the office.

Ladies.

Oh, here we go.

-Wife or mistress?

-Sorry?

Why else would you be fingering our knickers?

KAT LAUGHS

I just started on the market today.

Yeah? Where you from then?

Latvia.

-Come again?

-Is that in Poland?

Not quite, no.

I suppose it's nice to get out the snow, though, eh?

So, how's it around here?

Beats signing on.

We get away with murder.

We open up late, we're three weeks behind with our rent...

So, the boss is easy-going, eh?

Tamwar, he's a pushover.

We've got him eating out the palm of our hand.

Do you want a cup of tea?

-Yeah. Get Slick Rick one here, an' all.

-Yeah, all right.

So, where's your pitch going to be?

Um, actually, I think we're talking at crossed purposes here.

Mr Shirov. I'm the new Market Inspector.

And you owe me three weeks' rent.

She still here, then?

Just let it go. It's not worth the time and effort.

You've changed your tune a bit, ain't you?

Yeah, well, you know some things are just more important, that's all.

-I don't want any trouble.

-There won't be no trouble.

Listen, I was thinking tonight that after work we could go to the Vic.

Make a night of it. You and the kids.

-Terry.

-What for?

I just thought it would be nice to spend some time with you lot.

Nothing's happened, has it?

Why does something have to have happened

for me to want to spend time with you and the kids?

Tonight's a bit difficult - Tiff and Morgan are at a play date,

-so it won't be all of us, will it?

-All right. Forget I asked.

So, where do you want me?

I don't know why I bother, sometimes.

-I'll make a start on the washing up, shall I?

-All right, listen. Fine!

Course we'll be there. We'll be there.

I'm just a bit preoccupied.

Drinks it is, then, yeah?

Tel, my mum wants us to meet her at the Vic tonight for a drink.

-Lovely. What time?

-Family only.

-Even better.

You are NOT invited.

-Have you ever considered anger management, Bianca?

-Nikki...

-Air rage. I'm fully trained.

-That's enough.

-See you later.

-All right, darlin'.

So, why are you really here?

Because my kids need me.

They've done all right up to now.

-Well, now it's different.

-How is it?

Because some things need a woman's touch, Terry.

Like what?

I'm sworn to secrecy.

-Here we go again.

-What?

-Playing games the whole time.

-Oh, come on.

You ain't here to see the kids, are you?

You're here to stir up trouble again, ain't ya.

Ask me what I did yesterday...

Quite frankly I don't give a monkey's.

I held our son's hand whilst his girlfriend had an abortion.

Now be a love and pass me the brown sauce.

I used to have my own flat.

And mates that I used to knock about with.

Where did I end up?

I used to have my pick of blokes back in the day, you know.

I'm talking about proper eye candy,

not...just fat and bald ones.

Gor...

How long's it been since I had some male company?

Too flamin' long.

And the worst bit about it is that I have to sit here

watching you strut about the Square giving it the big "I am",

with those puppy dog eyes.

LADY DI WHINES

They might as well take me to the knacker's yard now

and have done with it.

SHE CHUCKLES

You stupid mutt.

-Mm!

-Here you go, handsome.

Food of the gods this, Lin.

Got any more gravy out the back?

Oh - Johnny!

Those pies are just the start, for us.

-Few days, we'll have that kitchen up and running again.

-That's blinding.

I'm trying to write an essay, Mum.

Rustle us up a bit more gravy, will you, love?

Those pies are going down a treat.

The punters are snapping them up.

The ones from yesterday?

All right! Don't broadcast it to the whole pub.

Does Auntie Shirley know about this?

She weren't happy. But needs must.

How many have you sold?

About 20 or so. Why?

They ain't lamb, Mum.

So it's a bit of an 'otchpotch. They won't know the difference.

It's dog.

What did you just say?

She was supposed to chuck 'em away.

-Oi! What you doing?

-The pie's off.

-Bridge Street Market...

-You can't have that, handsome.

-I'm sorry?

-We'll you a nice tuna baguette if you like. Johnny!

-I paid for a pie.

Er, Trace, give this man a refund, will you? Don't just stand there.

-Help me get rid of this lot.

-I was enjoying that!

-Sorry.

Are you coming, or not?

Right, are you sure you've got the hang of everything now?

Tea. Coffee. Beans on toast.

It's all up here.

Why don't you go home?

Oh, no, no, I've got two hours yet.

Yeah, then get yourself all dolled up for tonight. Go mad.

Have a bubble bath.

I don't know...

No offence, Carol. But you look done in.

-All right?

-Oh, you all right?

Bianca said you wanted to go over the Vic later.

-Yeah, that's right.

-Everything...?

-All right, all right. I won't say another word.

-Coffee?

-Yes, please, I'll to take it out, though.

-All right.

Here you are. Money on there.

-Actually, Carol. He'll have it in.

-Oh, that's you told.

You causing trouble again?

Everyone's got a talent.

What, and that's yours, is it?

Amongst other things. I wanted to give you this...

It's a little thank you for taking TJ under your wing.

And me, as it goes.

I picked it up in duty free.

-You didn't need to do that, Nikki.

-I wanted to.

He's not a bad kid, you know - TJ.

He has his moments.

Come on, give it a little spray.

All right.

Good boy.

Come a bit closer so I can sample the goods.

Oi, oi, oi.

You'll have them falling at your feet.

Yeah. Look, I've got to get back to work, Nikki, all right?

-Thanks again.

-No, thank you. See you.

-See you.

-Cheers, Carol.

-All right.

-I'll catch you later, yeah?

-You want that?

-Oh, yeah. Ta.

-See you later.

-See you. Bye-bye.

Ta-ra.

-You want to watch that one.

-Yeah, I intend to.

Mind that drill.

That meat your sister got for us - it was only flaming dog!

No way! That is amazing.

What're you talking about? She could've got us closed down.

-Where are the pies now?

-In the kitchen.

Go and bag 'em up and I'll lob them in the canal.

Don't drown the puppies!

Nance, you ain't helping. Get in here, you little mug.

When is someone going to give this family a break?

It's a blip, that's all it is.

-We're going to have this place sorted in no time.

-OK.

-Mum...

-Not now, Johnny.

-There's a bloke here to see you.

-Tell him to come back, will you?

He says he's from the Environmental Health.

-Where is he now?

-I left him in the kitchen.

I don't know what my son was thinking of,

not offering you a drink.

We've had a complaint about meat bought from this establishment.

Er...that don't sound right.

If I could just see some paperwork for your most recent purchases,

-we should be able to clear this up fairly quickly.

-Paperwork?

In order for us to check its provenance.

We'll also have to take some samples from today's menu.

It's nothing serious, though?

I mean, everyone gets a bit of bellyache, don't they?

Well, all depends on whether the meat in question

is deemed fit for human consumption.

And if it's not?

You're looking at a hefty fine

and a possible custodial sentence.

So, what did you have today?

Science and IT.

Why did you change your mind about the baby?

PHONE CHIMES

Who is it?

It's my dad.

He's going to kill me when he finds out.

I don't have anyone.

To get angry, I mean.

Peter and Lucy don't really give a stuff about me.

And Ian only lets me stay cos he feels guilty.

And as for Gran, she's practically dead.

I just want something for myself.

So do you want to do this or not?

Cos it'd be good to know.

PHONE CHIMES

I should go.

Worst case, we'll get a rap on the knuckles.

I'm sorry but you're going to have to speak to Stan.

-I've already told you...

-We've got no choice, Mick.

How else are we going to pay for everything?

-What? You're going to see your dad?

-Over my dead body.

Look, I'm just talking about a small loan, that's all.

-Just to help sort this mess out.

-Did you not hear me the other day?

I told you, we're not asking him for nothing.

-What is your problem?

-Linda.

Well, it's her fault we're in this mess, Mick.

-Do you know what? I'm out of here.

-Oh, that's right. Run away...

-Just like you've always done.

-Nice one, L.

And there you go. Straight after her.

What about me? What about your family?

I don't know how much more I can cope with today.

Argh! Mick!

-Budge up.

-How much trouble are you in, Mick?

We'll get it sorted.

And Dad?

You don't have to do anything you don't want to do, Shirl.

Do you know what he said to me the last time I saw him?

No.

That I wouldn't live beyond 30...

because my sort never do.

But I want to help you, Mick...

I don't want to hear another word about him, all right?

And for the record, if I'd been there when he said that,

I would have smashed him right in the mouth.

Lady Di needs another walk. You coming?

I don't know what it is,

but she's got a right soft spot for you, do you know that?

Mick!

Linda?

-What's happened?

-Her! That's what.

Why can't you just swallow your damn pride, eh?

Get in. Get in, come on.

All right?

All right.

Where you been?

Rosie, do us a favour, darling. Go and play in your bedroom.

You're in trouble!

So, how's school? All right?

Yeah, it's all right.

Making friends and what-have-you?

Yeah.

What about girls?

Leave it out.

Your mum's told me, you know that?

Look, I ain't mad with you.

I just wish you'd told me, you know?

Everything's all right now, though?

If she had've kept it...

What would you have said?

I would have said step up, do the right thing by her.

Look, TJ...

you're my boy, right? And whatever happens, I'd stand by you.

But just talk to me, will ya?

Instead of bottling things up.

Does anyone else know about this apart from your mum?

Just David.

Wicks? You told him before you told me?

Sorry.

HE SIGHS

Look, I ain't mad with... I ain't mad with you.

Just disappointed in David, that's all.

-Something really weird just happened.

-What's that?

Kat and Bianca just paid their rent.

Did you give them a receipt?

TAMWAR SCOFFS

No, cos I ran out of them.

That's fine. I'll do it.

But from now on we do everything by the book, yeah?

Yeah.

Go on, then.

Oh, go... Yeah.

Oh, Tamwar.

You're on three months' probation starting from today.

OK.

There's a table there.

-Oh, it's busy.

-Yeah.

-Right, what shall I get everyone?

A couple of bottles of house white...

-Yeah, and a shandy.

-A lemonade for Liam.

Nice try.

-Got all that?

-Yeah, yeah.

-You go and sit down, I'll bring 'em over.

-Ta.

-Thank you.

You seen who's there, look? The shifty inspector.

You all right? Enjoying yourself?

What did the plumber say?

He's just checking, making sure the electrics ain't damaged.

Maybe next time you'll listen to me and get the professionals in.

I said I was sorry, didn't I?

Is it going to be expensive?

Let's just not spoil tonight, yeah?

That's all we need.

A bottle of something bubbly, please, Linda. I'm celebrating.

Celebrating what, exactly?

I want you to be the first to know. We got the salon.

I'll get some ice.

Phil took the bait, did he?

He knows a good investment when he sees one, Billy.

So who stumps up the cash?

Well, I've forfeited my shares in R&R, if you must know.

And Phil?

Will be a silent partner.

And he agreed to that?!

It's none of his business.

It's my bar and I run it my way.

You sure there's enough of you?

Yeah. Family night out.

Oh, yeah? I'll warn security, then, shall I?

No-one's going to kick off. It's going to be a nice quiet evening.

Oh, this is all I need.

Don't worry about her, she'll be fine.

Nikki...

Hello, Carol. You all right?

Why don't you pull up a chair and join us?

As long as I'm not imposing.

No. The more the merrier.

Sit here, Nikki. Here you are.

Thank you.

I hope you ain't brought no gravy with you tonight.

LAUGHTER

Ha, ha, ha.

So, you're the famous Nikki, are you?

The one and only.

She ain't all that, is she?

-A toast. To the future.

-The future.

-Cheers, babe.

-ELECTRICITY SHORTS

-ALL GROAN

-Oh, what's happened here?

-Mick?

Put 50p in the meter!

Got any candles, Linda?

-MICK:

-Ladies and gents, just a little technical hitch.

FOOTSTEPS

Where are you going?

Never you mind.

Can I talk to you?

Don't wait up.

DOOR OPENS

I'm here to see Cindy.

All right.

I'm in.

All right.

So...

what now?

Dunno.

What're you grinning at?

-Right, who wants another drink?

-The tills are down!

-Get another bottle.

-Even better.

-I'll give you a hand.

-Hello, baby!

-Wotcha, Terry.

-Can I get you a drink, mate?

-Stay away from my boy.

Why? What's he done?

What can I say?

He just needed a bit of advice from someone who's lived a little, Terry.

Don't worry. You'd have been his first port of call

-on the quickest way to get to New Cross.

-David...

-See you? I should knock you out.

-Don't embarrass yourself.

Oi... Shut up. Don't talk to him like that.

You want any advice on parenting, Terry...

you know where to find me.

I don't need nothing from you, Wicks. And neither does my son.

-Will you just stop this!?

-Hark at him.

-One night. That's all I wanted.

-Mum...

-Stop her, Dad!

-Carol, come on. Come here.

Come and sit down. We was only having a giggle.

It's too late. You've spoilt it.

You know, I went to the hospital today.

I got the results of my staging tests.

Why didn't you say something?

It hasn't gone to my lungs, or my bones, or my liver.

Then we really have got a reason to celebrate, haven't we?

I'll have to have the chemo to shrink the tumour,

and then a mastectomy.

I've got it all written down in black and white,

what I'm going to be doing day in, day out for the next three months.

All I wanted was a nice final evening, but...

you couldn't even do that.

Come on, kids, let's go.

-'Ere, do you mind if I make an announcement?

-Knock yourself out.

Excuse me, everyone.

I'm sure some of you may have heard this already,

but I've just signed the lease for my new bar.

So, when the time comes,

I hope you'll all come in for a complimentary mojito.

Mojito?!

You want to watch this one, Mick. She'll be nicking all your business.

There's plenty of punters to go round.

You know, I've just about had a bellyful of you today, Rickman.

-Just drumming up a bit of new trade, Shirley.

-Not in this pub.

Not scared of the competition, are you?

Like hell we are.

You want a fight, then you've got one.

Now, clear off. Before I get Lady Di down for round two.

This is my home.

I don't want some menopausal Barbie tramping all over it.

What're you saying, Shirl?

We'll go and see Dad.