20/12/2011 River City

-We could get a place of our own.

-It's just a big commitment.

-And you're not ready for that?

-I think it's a brilliant idea.

We obviously had different ideas about what tonight was about.

-Did we?

-Good luck with sorting things out with Leyla.

I mean if a girl is out on a date with someone,

and that someone keeps going on about another woman.

But it's not another woman. This is Leyla.

Michael, Santa's left you a little present!

# "Bah, humbug!" No, that's too strong

# Cos it is my favourite holiday

# But all this year's been a busy blur

# Don't think I have the energy

# To add to my already mad rush

# Just cos it's 'tis the season

# The perfect gift for me would be

# Completions and connections left from

# Last year, ski shop

# Encounter, most interesting

# Had his number but never the time

# Most of '81 passed along those lines

# So deck those halls, trim those trees

# Raise up cups of Christmas cheer

# I just need to catch my breath

# Christmas by myself this year. #

-Same again.

-Mm-hm.

-Aren't you forgetting something?

-Same again, please?

I was thinking more along the lines of "and one for yourself" but I suppose, please is a start.

You know, I'm working two shifts and I only get a really little break...

-Keep the change.

-Thank you, Gabriel, you are an angel after all.

-She obviously doesn't know you like I do.

-Hey!

-Merry Christmas.

-Same to you. What you drinking?

-Nothing for me thanks, and you can make that your last.

-How?

-I've got to cover at a clinic in town for a couple of hours.

-What today? Nae luck.

I wanted to give Dan the chance to see his wee boy

but it hasn't made me very popular with the wife and kids.

All right, I know that means you can't drink.

But why does it mean I can't drink?

Because, brother dear, since I am away healing the sick,

you don't get to stroll in half cut, wolf down your dinner and fall asleep in front of the telly.

This year, YOU are going to be the man of the house.

-So, what time do you need to head off at?

-Half an hour or so.

-I'll hang back then.

-Why?

-Give you a bit of family time.

-You ARE family.

You know what I mean. And anyway, I need to nip home for something.

-For what?

-I can't turn up empty handed, can I?

-Presents?!

I hope they're better than the ones you helped out with for me.

What do you mean?

Well, Mr Expert Restorer, you managed to leave

a huge splinter which helpfully found its way into my finger.

Sorry, bro, I thought I'd smoothed it all down.

-I'd have been better off with a new one.

-What would be special about that?

-You sound exactly like Leyla.

OK, right well, I better... Presents.

Hey. I thought you'd be gone by now.

-Malcolm is looking for his tie.

-Very dapper.

Well, you see, it's not just Christmas,

it's our grandson's birthday. We'll be out from under your feet in a second.

Don't mind me. I'm just heading to Michael's.

I was afraid I might scoop your presents up with these

so I've put yours to one side over there.

Brilliant.

-So, was Santa good to you?

-I'm wearing my present!

I can't see anything new, so unless we're talking about foundation...

-Oh! Earrings, Gabriel, earrings.

-Got you.

We were out a couple of weeks ago

and I spotted these in a jeweller's window - Malcolm didn't even let on

that he'd noticed, but he went back the next day and picked them up.

-Ha! The romantic old devil!

-Oi! Less of the old, if you don't mind.

Aye, and more of the devil - that was a smooth move, Malcolm.

-Ach, it wasn't a fortune.

-You took time, and you put thought into it.

-It was worth just to see the look on your face.

-Oh!

-Right, are we off to Gina's?

-I'll just get my coat.

-Aye, aye. No big deal, I mean -

when you love someone, that kind of thing just comes naturally.

-See you later.

-Right! Ready!

-OK!

-Bye-bye!

-Bye!

DOOR CLOSES

# It's the most wonderful time of the year

# With the kids jingle belling

# And everyone telling you "Be of good cheer"

# It's the most wonderful time of the year

# It's the hap-happiest... #

-What is this?

-Andy Williams.

-I knew I'd regret buying you that cardy.

-Look!

-I want today to be a bit classy.

-I want Slade and Wham, thank you very much. I want Cliff.

-Did we not agree that this was going to be a joint effort?

-No,

-we agreed that you'd do the turkey and I'd do everything else.

-Not everything!

-Aye, everything! Three words, Deek, Camp. As. Christmas!

-MARIAH CAREY CD PLAYS

-All right!

-Merry Christmas!

-Merry Christmas!

-Merry Christmas.

-Merry Christmas, mate.

-Where's Stella?

-She'll be here in a minute.

-By the way, you're missing a treat.

-Aye, sounds like it.

-I meant the food.

-Don't tell Stella, I'm having to drag her to my ma's as it is.

-DOORBELL RINGS

-You can always sneak back here after.

-Have you not met my ma?

I have and she always seemed a very reasonable, level-headed woman.

No need for Christmas crackers with you doing the jokes, eh, Robbie?

-I'm sure Stella's not really bothered is she?

-Nah, she'll be OK.

-Did she like the perfume?

-Aye.

-And the lingerie?

-She's opening that later.

-That'll liven up the Queen's speech.

-What did she get you?

-Nothing, yet.

-Nothing?

-Yet?

-Why?

I don't know. Not everybody makes a big deal out of Christmas, do they?

-Hiya!

-Hiya. How's the wee man getting on with his first Scottish Christmas?

-Oh, loving every minute.

-Listen.

-I've got a couple of things for him, if you want to pop in.

-Aye.

-Typical guy - leaving Frances to do all the cooking?

-Oh no, no.

-She's away.

-Seriously?

-Aye, away with her family.

-Well, you could always come up to ours if you like?

-At your ma's?!

Cal would like to see his Grandad, that's all.

-Aye, well, we'll see - thanks for the invite.

-I'd better...

-Aye.

MOBILE PHONE BEEPS

-Sorry I took so long getting ready.

-Don't be daft!

-It's just Annie was hogging the bathroom.

-Look, it was worth waiting.

-You look amazing.

-Shut up.

-Well, you do!

I kinda wanted to talk to you.

What about?

Will one of you tell Deek Fearnely Whittingstall that giblets have no place in the 21st century?!

-They're for the gravy!

-It can wait.

Lets see how long it takes him to get back to you.

It's not like we're teenagers, mother. MOBILE PHONE BEEPS

You were saying? Let me see.

-It's nothing.

-Hand it over, girl.

Lunch with Cal. That the grandson?

-He dotes on him.

-He's supposed to be doting on you, Viv.

-He is. He does.

He asked me to go away - that proves something, doesn't it?

Proves he wanted someone to put the factor 50 on the bits he can't reach, that's all.

It's Christmas. Can we just forget about Lenny Murdoch for the rest of the day?

-Is that what you want?

-That's what I want.

OK, then. That's the way it's going to be.

Oh! Thanks for holding the door, Ebenezer.

I should've known there was somebody behind me, there has been all day.

You're really not doing the whole festive cheer thing, are you?

-What are you talking about?

-Bob was saying you never got him anything.

-Deek!

-What's it to you? What's it to him?

Should you not be stuffing something?!

-It's in the oven, my work is done.

-So you decided to come and annoy us?

-No, I'm actually on my way to help those less fortunate.

-Lucky them.

Stella, you need to believe in the magic of Christmas, that's your trouble.

Wait a minute, I don't hear any sleigh bells or see any snow.

Give it time. Give it time.

-I get why you're hacked off with me!

-Apart from slagging me to your pals?

It wasn't like that! They asked what you got me, I said you...no...

-Nothing.

-Well, aye.

-I'm sorry.

It's all right. I know I shouldn't be dragging you to my ma's

but it's just, this time last year she was in the hospital.

Hold on a wee minute - what sort of person do you think, I am?

Ho, wee man, gie's a hand up to your ma's with these presents.

-I'm in the middle of a conversation here!

-No, you're not. Conversation's over.

HE SIGHS

Nope, no sleigh bells or snow at all.

-Thanks, Uncle Gabe.

-Yeah, nice one.

-Hard cash, never fails.

I'll save mine till the gig, get a T-shirt.

-Oh, I meant to thank you for that earlier.

-Were the tickets his idea?

What do you think?

-Would I want to send you into town unaccompanied?

-Naw - and it's a school night.

Never occurred to me, that. Sorry.

Don't worry about it - you can pick him and his mates up.

-Consider that my gift to you.

-Mum, Gabriel gave us 50 quid!

Oh! That's the Brodie boys for you -

what they lack in imagination they make up for in generosity.

Sorry, am I missing something here?

I committed the ultimate crime of getting my wife vouchers.

Ah, well, that's...good.

Hmm! See, even your brother can't mount a convincing defence.

I brought this.

Thanks - the finest Iona's deli can offer, eh.

I'm teasing you - thanks very much. Might as well open it now.

-I'll be back as soon as I can.

-I'll maybe save you a wing.

See you later, kids.

Woah there, mister, what do you think you're doing?

I was hoping to find The Sound Of Music.

Hah! Edelweiss can wait, I need you in the kitchen with me.

DOOR BELL RINGS

-Ma wee stars of wonder!

-Merry Christmas, Ma.

-Merry Christmas.

-Look at all this stuff! You shouldn't have bothered!

They didn't. Most of it's mine.

-Kelly-Marie not tell you she'd asked me?

-Aye, she did.

But I didn't think you'd have the brass neck to turn up.

We spoke about this, Scarlett. It's Christmas Day. In you come, Lenny.

The wee man's not gonnae open all these before dinner.

It's not all for him. We cannae leave wee Madonna out, can we?

Cal's grandad, my boss - bite your tongue for one day.

I'm not making any promises.

-Thanks for your help.

-Do I detect a note of sarcasm?

I suppose the notion of you peeling parsnips was doomed from the start.

Hah! I'm contributing in my own way.

-SHE LAUGHS

-At least you're here - now, can you be trusted with one thing?

Almost certainly not, but fire away.

Can you remind me to take the chestnut stuffing out in 48 minutes.

-Do you think you could be a wee bit more precise?

-Do you want it soggy? Do you want it burnt to a crisp?

-No. So it's your job to remind me.

-OK. If Mick was here, he'd synchronise watches.

If Michael was here, I'd make him cook the damn thing.

Hmmm, this is actually quite nice. You having some?

I'm OK. I'll stick to beer - I had a couple in the pub earlier, so...

-So I'm playing catch up? Better pass me the bottle then.

-There you go.

Oh, yes, ladies and gentlemen, number one on the high scores list,

-I thank you.

-Was that the sound of a gauntlet I heard being thrown down here?

-You've got a job to do, remember?

-Yeah! In 48, sorry, 46 minutes.

And anyway, I don't think I'll last that long.

He'll be better than Michael - he kept pausing it to tell me

about the strategic flaws in the real Normandy landings.

Let's do it, kiddo, let's go waste some Nazis.

You're worse than the kids!

How many of these then?

Let's see there's you two, me and Jimmy, Kelly-Marie,

King Herod, Molly, Tattie, Christina and the weans.

-That's hunners.

-Aye, well, that's family for you.

-Set a place for that brother of mine.

-Is he coming?

I hope so, I really do. If you cannae have faith at Christmas.

Bubba, do us a favour, gonnae give your Gran a knock?

-We're waiting on her gravy boat.

-Aye.

-I'll go.

-Are you sure?

-Aye.

Thanks, doll.

-Mind your face doesnae trip you on the way.

-Ma!

Well, her face has been tripping her since she got here.

-Christmas is hard for some people.

-It's hard for everybody.

I've got Lenny Murdoch at my table, but do you get me complaining?!

-Sure about that?

-Less of your lip. Is one of them for him?

-Aye.

Give us it over here, might spit in it.

-Saliva-free will do just fine.

-Don't spoil all my fun?

I'm sure you'll find a way to have some fun.

Listen, darlin', I'm sorry what I said about wee Stella. She's a lovely wee lassie really.

-Aye, I know. I'm just hoping Christmas is the problem.

-How?

Because if it's not, then it's me, isn't it?

So that's how you couldn't set the table.

Wee bit of tongue tennis, is it?

-My fault, Gabe, blame me.

-I was gonna, don't worry.

I need to go anyway.

-I wanna make sure I don't get the short straw seat.

-What's that?

-The one next to Murray.

-I'll see you later on, though?

-Aye, definitely.

-Hey, hey! You coming in for a beer?

-What? Me?

-Aye.

If my dad found me kissing a boy, it's more likely he'd kill him

-than invite him in for a beer.

-Aw, I'd never do anything like that!

I might help to bury the body though. Come on.

This is very public spirited of you, Deek.

Like I said in my application, I believe in giving something back.

It's certainly the right attitude.

Em, Murray, do you know when a decision's going to be made?

-I know the council sort of closes down at this time of year.

-Actually, you'd be surprised.

I've been asked to submit my recommendations as soon as possible.

-Right, so are there many candidates?

-Several, yeah.

Hello. Merry Christmas.

Come on in and sit down, dinner will be served shortly.

Here, tell you what, let me do it.

-Do what?

-The food. I mean, is there loads of cooking, or what?

It's all in trays in the kitchen, hot and ready to go.

Well then, I'll dish it out, pull a few crackers, turn on the charm.

You can nip back and see Gina.

I suppose I could go home, even if it's just for a starter.

My turkey's not ready for hours - you go, enjoy your lunch,

-come back here when you're done.

-Are you sure?

-Positive.

Because, that's the kind of guy I am, Murray - positive.

That was a smart move, asking Stevie in.

He won't be able to keep up the bad boy outsider image

if he starts greetin' at the end of The Snowman!

-Is that what you were like when you were his age?

-Basically, aye.

I was never into drugs, but I was nobody's idea of a suitable boyfriend.

-Whereas now...?

-Oh, now I'm a catch. I'm pushing on 40.

I'm lodging with a couple of coffin dodgers

and I'm in business with Scotland's answer to Vito Corleone.

-Who could resist?

-Well, at least you've still got your hair.

-Aye.

-Mostly.

-Hey!

-Have I touched a raw nerve? Come on, let's have a look.

Nah, you're all right. Nothing to worry about.

-Cheers for the drink.

-No problem, is that you off?

-Aye.

-I said I'd go over later on, is that OK?

-What are you asking me for?

Your uncle's in charge until your dad gets back, remember.

-OK with you, Gabe?

-I don't see why not.

-Cool.

Cheers.

Is that you doing your bit to help the course of true love run smooth?

It never does, though, does it, Leyla?

-I haven't the foggiest idea where the bloomin' thing's gone!

-What?

-What did you come for? The gravy boat!

-Aye, right.

-Are you back on the voddy?

-You know fine well I don't drink.

You must've lost a few brain cells when you did.

Tattie, come in here, this one's neither use nor ornament!

-I am still here, y'know.

-Least the booze didn't ruin your ears.

-Yes?

-You lost something?

-The gravy boat.

-Boat?

-Yes.

-She means the wee jug.

-Ah, yes - it's... It got broken.

-How?

-I'm not sure.

-Tattie.

-OK, OK.

-Christina.

-By accident?

The longer Bob stays away, the worse it gets. She just can't concentrate on anything else.

-DOOR SLAMS

-Who can't?

-As if I didn't know.

-Aw, Christina.

-Is there any cereal?

Not now. We're supposed to be next door already.

We don't really want to keep Scarlett, waiting.

I never said I was going.

-We just assumed you'd be...

-I'm sorry, Molly, not my problem.

Aren't you supposed to be at home?

Well, I was just, you know.

Yeah, actually, I do know.

THEY LAUGH

Gina cooking, Eileen making helpful "suggestions"

from the sidelines. I think we deserve a little bit

of peace and quiet before we get caught in the crossfire.

-A few moments of quiet contemplation.

-That kind of thing.

Raymond, will you tell the suicide blonde here that it's her turn

to empty the glass washer?

Raymond, will you tell the wicked witch of the West that her shift

doesn't finish for another ten minutes, so stop skiving?!

Zinnie, glasses! Annie, punters!

Or the pair of you can forget about having tomorrow off.

ZINNIE SIGHS

How many moments did we get, exactly?

We'll be fine now - they know the score.

I've been doing a bit of delegation myself, actually.

-I left your nephew in charge of the community centre.

-Deek?

-I didn't know he worked for you.

-He doesn't, yet.

He's applied for a job so I thought...

You'd set him a wee task - very Alan Sugar.

-I was feeling a bit guilty about it now.

-Don't.

Deek is a very focussed and dedicated young man,

and if he's enough of a brown nose

to work for nothing on Christmas day...

..serves him right.

-THEY LAUGH

-Cheers.

-Cheers.

-All right, is everybody hungry?! ALL:

-Yes!

That's what I thought! Right, here yis go.

Now there's plenty more to come, so don't worry!

-It's very busy, next door?

-Aye, there's people everywhere you turn.

-It's better we don't come then.

-No, I don't mean that!

-It's OK. Tell Scarlett sorry from me.

-All right, if that's what you want.

What I want is for all of us to be together.

The whole family.

-We're not a whole family. Not any more.

-OK.

-Not without Bob.

I know.

-SHE SIGHS

-You know what's weird?

I really thought he'd come home today, for Christmas.

-I'm such a loser.

-No, you're not.

-I know life doesn't work like that.

It does! I mean, it can. I think. I hope.

-Spoken like a loser.

-Christina!

-It's all right, don't worry about it.

Right, I'm off, you pair stay where you like but just remember,

I've known Big Bob longer than you have

and he didn't get that nickname by missing out on his Christmas dinner.

You mean? You think he might...?

I'll tell Scarlett to leave a plate of chipolatas

on the windowsill - that should do the trick.

-Molly, seriously?

-He'll not let us down, hen.

So come on, get the glad rags on, and be quick about it. Good girl.

Thank you. Both of you.

Have I forgotten anything?

-Looks perfect to me.

-Thanks, Gabriel.

-I know this isn't exactly your thing.

-Says who?

-You're telling me you wouldn't rather be down the pub?

-No!

-Look me in the eye and say that.

-I don't want to be anywhere else.

Look, I swear by Aled Jones Almighty. DOORBELL RINGS

Do you think that's him? DOORBELL RINGS

He wouldn't be so rude and impatient.

-Coming, Zinnie!

-I'll get it!

You can all come down now - Christmas dinner is ready.

-Take a seat.

-Anywhere in particular?

Well, if you sit next to me we can put the wine between us

-and the kids won't not notice how much we drink.

-Sounds like a plan.

-You stick with me, babe.

Hey, is it not ready yet?

Suddenly I'm wishing I'd got you that book on etiquette.

But I only get a miniscule break between shifts.

Feed the poor girl, Leyla. The quicker she eats her dinner,

quicker she can help with the washing up.

Sit, sit, I need you near me. Nic, boys a little help, please.

# So this is Christmas

# And what have you done?

# Another year over

# And a new one just begun

# And so this is Christmas

# I hope you have fun

# The near and the dear one

# The old and the young

# A very Merry Christmas

# And a happy New Year

# Let's hope it's a good one

# Without any fear

# And so this is Christmas

# For weak and for strong

# For rich and the poor ones

# The world is so wrong

# And so happy Christmas

# For black and for white

# For yellow and red ones

# Let's stop all the fight

# A very merry Christmas

# And a happy New Year

# Let's hope it's a good one

# Without any fear

# And so this is Christmas

# And what have we done

# Another year over

# A new one just begun

# And so happy Christmas... #

-Aww. Cheers, Nic.

-No biggie.

You're obviously really good at this.

I keep telling Raymond we need a dedicated dishwasher.

Well, as much as I'd love to spend more time with you, I'm quite happy at the salon.

I suppose sweeping up hair and clearing tables, is pretty much the same skill set.

You know, you should come in for a trim -

I promise I won't nudge Hayley's arm when she's cutting it.

Won't Raymond be expecting you back at the pub?

They'll still be stuffing their face over at Gina's.

-Your portions were far more civilised.

-Thanks, thanks very much.

I suppose it's really Stevie you've got to worry about. I mean junkie's don't have much of an appetite.

-Nic, why don't you get Zinnie's coat for her?

-Definitely no biggie.

I really should go and relieve Annie. She won't have had a chance to touch up her make-up

-and we don't want the customers getting frightened!

-You really are full of sh...

-The Christmas spirit.

-It's called being honest.

It's called being something else, but we'll let it pass for now, eh?

-Good idea!

-Yeah, I'm happy to paper over the cracks,

sweep things under the rug... How is Michael, by the way?

What's that supposed to mean?

-Well, big family man. Devoted dad. And yet he's not here?

-He's working.

-Couldn't he get out of it?

-He didn't try.

-Oh, I'm sorry.

He's just doing what's fair for... Oh, forget it.

I didn't mean to upset you.

Thanks, Nicole. On you go.

Don't let the door hit your jacksy on the way out.

Thank you for a lovely lunch.

You shouldn't let her get to you, you know.

I said exactly the same things to Michael myself this morning.

Just hearing them from somebody else

-makes me feel like a spoiled brat.

-No, you're not! You're...

You're fine.

Think I finally understand the phrase "damned with faint praise."

-Now listen, I don't meant that, I mean...

-Gabriel, shhh.

You're being really sweet, and I appreciate it.

Nic, darling, you've done enough let me take over.

-You didn't have to do all that.

-I don't mind.

-It's a bit crowded in there anyway.

-Aye. I suppose.

I was thinking, it might be a bit more of a party over at Deek's.

-Do you want to go?

-Aye, if that's all right.

-You don't have to ask my permission.

-I wasn't.

All right then, you go and I'll catch up with you.

-I meant go together.

-Really?

-Of course, you idiot.

-All right, so I'm an idiot now, am I?

Not just now, most of the time.

So is that why you've been avoiding me all day?

What are you talking about?

We woke up together and I've hardly seen you since!

-I mean you were late coming to Deek's!

-I explained that...

-You couldn't wait for an excuse to go to my gran's.

-I was just being helpful.

Look, Stella, I get it - I'm too full on,

I'm suffocating you or whatever.

-No.

-I shouldn't've bought you all that stuff.

I loved my presents, Bob! They were amazing.

No. That's not your thing, all right? I get it.

Will you stop saying that you get it?! You don't get it!

Tattie and Christina are here! Come on out and make them feel welcome!

You an' all, Stella. Your lassies have been through a lot,

they don't want to see you with a face on!

-What? Me?

-Aye, you! Come on!

Before Lenny Murdoch puts them on the game or something. Hahaha!

# Are you hanging up your stocking on the wall... # Come on, everybody!

# Are you hangin'... # Hahahah!

-This is great, Robbie.

-All false modesty aside, yes, it is, and it's all down to me.

What about Deek?

Deek is basting the bird via the miracle of text messaging.

-Why isn't he here?

-I think he knew he'd look bad compared to me.

But why really?

See now it's me who's gonna look bad. He's away doing charity work.

-Oh, the wee soul.

-I know. Puts us all to shame.

OK, before you all start weeping into your Prosecco you should know that he has an ulterior motive.

Oh aye, I never had you down as a cynic.

I'm not - but Deek's helping out at the community centre

because he wants Murray to give him a job.

-You mean he's not holier than thou?

-He's not even holier than thou.

What?

Never mind, just keep the drinks coming till Mother Theresa gets back.

# Ohhhhhhhhh, oh, Antonio

# He's went away

# Left me alone-io

# All on my own-io

# I'd like to meet him with his new sweetheart,

# Then off will go Anton-io

# And his ice cream caaarrrt! #

LAUGHING AND CHEERING

Right, who's next?!

Ahem, ahem. # Come, they told me... #

-Shut it, Jimmy Mullen!

-Eh?

-Have you got no manners?! We should be letting the guests sing.

Right, enough - I've never even heard a Ukrainian Christmas Carol.

No, no, no. I was thinking more of Grandpa Lenny.

-Aw, no, no. I think I'll spare you that.

-No way!

Folk keep telling me you're part of this family! So join in the family sing song!

-Don't want the wee man thinking you're a grumpy, vicious, spiteful...

-He doesn't think that!

Ah, well, weans are very intuitive, aren't they?

Yeah, I'm sure he knows when somebody's trying to use him to score points, anyway.

Come on, let Grandpa put you down for a nap.

Stick him on our bed, all the coats are in your room.

PHONE RINGS

Hello.

I can't hear you, it's a bad line.

How are you doing, Big Man?! It's Bob!

Aye, aye, she's here, aye.

He wants to talk to Madonna.

That's me lost the second world war then.

-Well, you probably need a drink.

-I'm OK.

-Come on, sit down.

I'm fine here.

I'm knackered I think is the medical term.

-You've been rushed off your feet.

-I'm sure I used to have more energy.

-Did I suddenly wake up middle aged?

-No, don't be silly.

You've been busy all day and I don't think that wine's helped.

-Actually the wine's working wonders, thanks very much.

-If you say so.

Yeah, I do say so.

-SHE YAWNS

-Would it be incredibly rude

-if I closed my eyes for a few minutes.

-Hey, you're among friends.

I know. Thanks, Gabriel.

Have you ever been abroad for Christmas?

Nah. I don't fancy it.

I do.

Somewhere warm.

Somewhere hot, in fact.

You'd miss the snow.

No, I don't think I would.

Cruising along a coastal road, looking at the view,

heading towards seafood on the beach.

-Never happen.

-Why are you raining on my parade?!

-I'm not.

I'm just saying that you're not gonnae get three kids in the back of a 1971 TR6, are you?

-What?

-How do you know I was thinking about my old car?!

-Lucky guess.

-How do you even know about my old car?

You mentioned it, a while back.

-Oh, yeah...

-See, mystery solved - I'm not psychic.

But it was weeks ago. I'm still surprised that you remembered.

Guys can remember all sorts of useless rubbish.

I can still rattle off the track-listings for the first three Jam albums.

-SHE LAUGHS

-Oh, yeah. Silly me! Why would something like that matter to you?

-It wouldn't...

-All right, guys.

-Save any lives?

-Not exactly.

There was one kid who'd swallowed tinsel.

I told his parents to wait until the 6th January.

No?! Come on.

-Better than the crackers, surely?

-About equal.

Gabriel lost the war.

-Oh, aye? Arnhem?

-Normandy.

-I'll get you some food while you debrief.

-Thanks, darling.

Uncle Gabriel!

Oh, I think that's me being called up for active service again.

BOB: # Happy birthday to you

# Happy birthday, wee Madonna

# Happy birthday to you. #

Erm...

Oh, the card?! Hold on a second!

Aye. I know. Good girl. Say thanks to Uncle Bob.

Thank you, Uncle Bob.

We thought you were going to be here with us to give it to her yourself.

Aye!

Everybody's here! Do you want to speak to... OK.

-Please.

-When are you gonna ring back?!

-He's away.

-Let me phone him back.

-It's a payphone, not his mobile.

-Christina.

-It should still have the number.

PHONE RINGS

Shhhh. You gonna go for a wee sleep?

I'll sing you what your daddy's favourite song was.

# Two little boys had two little toys

# Each had a wooden horse

# Gaily they played

# Each summer's day

# Warriors both, of course

# One little chap then had a mishap

# Chopped off his horse's head

# Wept for his toy then cried with joy

# As his young playmate said... #

-What's this?

-It's a personal DVD player.

-Eh?

-You can watch what you like, right here - no other human interaction.

-You trying to be funny with me?

-No.

No. I just know you prefer your own company.

-I can do without sitting next to other people's drool, that's true.

-I'll show you how it works.

The staff can do it for me - earn their money for a change.

-OK. I better get going.

-I haven't given you your present yet.

-When have you had a chance to get me a present?

-I'm a resident here, Viv, not a prisoner.

It's in the drawer.

-You didn't go overboard on wrapping paper then?

-Open it.

How did you manage to get hold of a passport?

Even stuck here I'm more use than you.

Lenny and Frances get their wee bit of winter sun after all.

He wouldn't even talk to me.

I suppose I was wrong,

you can't count on Christmas making everything all right, can you?

No, you can't.

-You've got to work it out for yourself.

-Aye.

-Are you gonnae come inside now?

-I don't know.

Well, Scarlett's going to make Lenny play charades.

Might be worth seeing. I kinda want him to do Friends.

-Or Little Miss Sunshine.

-Or the Muppet Christmas Carol.

OK, I want to see that.

You all right?

Even microwaved it was delicious.

-It was perfect earlier.

-It was perfect just now.

-Do you want anything else?

-Tradition dictates...

-A pudding? Really?

It's being nuked as we speak.

-Get a room you two.

-Strictly speaking these are all our rooms.

I know, it's a shame there's so much stuff on the kitchen table.

When we were first together you'd have just thrown that all on the floor.

That would contravene all sorts of health and safety regulations.

-Even so, why don't I leave you guys in peace?

-What's wrong, Gabe?

Is it like when your parents talk about sex? Are we embarrassing you?

No, but you'll probably end up embarrassing yourself when you sober up.

-Gabriel!

-We're only joking.

-I'm just trying to spare a lady's blushes.

That's rich coming from someone with YOUR track record where women are concerned.

But you're not "women", are you? you're my brother's wife.

-You might want to start remembering that.

-What's wrong with you?

-Nothing!

Maybe I've just outstayed my welcome. I'm sorry.

Merry Christmas.

Hi, Deeky!

-Hey, how's my bird doing?

-You should be so lucky.

-Funny! You know what I mean.

-Robbie's in control.

-Oh, well, as long as he's followed my instructions.

-Oh, I'm sure he has, sir.

-To the letter, sir - have a vol-au-vent and shut it.

-Take the mickey all you like

but Christmas dinner takes careful planning and precise execution.

Couldn't agree more.

It's rare to find a young person with such a wise head on their shoulders, don't you think?

-Absolutely.

-I think you would be a tremendous asset to the team here.

-What team?

-Is it not just you?

-Two makes a team.

-OK.

-How are the guests? How are we ladies and gents?

THEY CHEER

I'm impressed - thanks. Deek.

You get yourself home, I'll deal with the second sitting.

-If you don't mind...wait a minute....second sitting?

-Uh-huh.

-Lots of hungry, lonely people around and we have to cater for them.

-When you say "cater..."

-Is something wrong?

-Is there going to be more food?

-Just what's in the kitchen.

-I've used what's in the kitchen.

-All of it?

-Yes.

-Deek, that was meant to cover two sittings!

-I did wonder why so many had left their puddings.

I've got another 12 people arriving!

-I'll call Gina, see if she's got anything at the Oyster.

-That's a good idea.

Although I don't think our guests will be expecting a plate of stale muffins, do you?!

Gina? We've got a really big problem here.

Tell you what, I'll just leave you to it.

Cheerio!

Ta-dah!

-ALL:

-Wooh!

-Looks great eh?

-It looks absolutely amazing.

-And that smell, oh.

-You should've seen him massaging the herbs into the skin. Took him hours.

-MOBILE PHONE BEEPS

"Start without me. Kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss." Aw, one kiss for each of us.

He can plant one where the sun don't shine if he thinks I'm going without my Christmas dinner.

-It's not his fault.

-Actually it is.

-What's Santa's Little Helpless done now?

-He messed up - he'll be hours.

OK, who wants white and who wants dark?

He loved his presents.

Yeah, well, I loved giving them to him.

-Tell Frances thanks too - for the books.

-Aye. Of course.

Listen, thanks for the invite. I know you're gonnae pay for it.

-I can handle my mum.

-You think so?

-She'll come round, Lenny.

No, she won't.

-Least your right about something.

-What's this?

Christmas Day football game over, back into the trenches?

I just don't want you leaving with my hat!

-I was gonna keep it to next year.

-Next year?

Don't you count your turkeys before they're hatched.

Here, kiss the wee man good night for me.

-He does love Callum, Ma.

-I know.

That's what scares me. Bad things happen to the folk Lenny loves.

-See you later, guys.

-Not too late - I'm really tired.

-I know, just a quick drink, you, me, and Gabriel.

-Is he coming?

Well, he will do when you tell him there's a drink waiting on the bar.

Why am I telling him? He was really weird with me.

-But up till then you'd had a nice day, right?

-I guess.

Let's not have the weird bit be the thing we remember about Christmas.

-Go on, kiss and make up.

-OK.

-CAROL SINGERS SING

-Will you slow down?

-Can you hear something?

-Sounds like...singing.

-Here.

-What are you doing?

-Just come here.

-What are you doing?!

Shut up and kiss me.

-Grab as much as you can carry.

-Whoa, dinnae go mental.

-Wow.

I'm sorry I was weird today.

Well, if this is how you make it up to me.

I just wanted everything to be perfect.

It was.

It is.

Aye. I know. But I just...

Come on.

# Still the night

# Holy the night

# Shepherds first

# Saw the light... #

On you go, just give me two seconds, can't find my key.

Yeah, that's fine.

Michael insisted that I come.

Yeah? Why?

He doesn't want there to be any atmosphere between us.

Listen, sorry for snapping earlier. Don't know what came over me.

People do strange things at Christmas.

What did you say?

I said people do strange things at Christmas.

-Woah, woah, wait a second.

-This is for me, right?

-I mean it's got my name on it.

-Yeah, but it was...

SHE GIGGLES

SHE LAUGHS

-Gabriel!

-What?

-Where did you get this?!

-I don't know. Some website.

This is exactly like the one I used to have.

That's what I thought.

-Thank you.

-Just a silly wee thing.

-No.

It's beautiful and very...

thoughtful and kind and... I love it, Gabriel.

I'm glad.

-Thank you.

-You already said...

DOOR OPENS

CHEERING AND LAUGHING

Ah, hello, hello.

It's starting to snow!

God bless everyone!

Now, have you two had a nice day?

I'm really sorry about this.

-Hohoho!

-Ta-dah!

Right, get that in the kitchen and start plating up.

-What's all this?

-A little community action initiative, Murray,

and all thanks to one man - Deek Henderson.

-Really?

-I don't know what he's talking about.

Don't be so modest. Believe me, he is the single, sole reason any of us are here, and also for the

-fact that all these lovely people are about to be fed and watered.

-That is extraordinary.

That's the word I've been looking for and you've nailed it. Extraordinary, Deek,

-that's what you are.

-Well, thanks.

-So, has he got the job?

-Robbie!

Sorry, it's just you're too modest to ask.

Of course he's got the job - he saved the day.

Shake on it!

Wohooo! That there is legally binding.

You know what you can do with your first wage?

Dinner for six, you pick the restaurant, I pick up the tab.

Exactly. Now go supervise, because Iona's incapable.

I am...

Guys, thank you. Come on.

Actually, these muffins are surplus to requirements now.

-Could you do something with them?

-I've got a few ideas, yes.

-Hi, guys, you going to the pub?

-What? Yeah.

-Yes.

-Cool. I'm going to meet Stevie.

-What's wrong?

-Nothing!

I know. It's been a really great Christmas.

# The stars are brightly shining

# It is the night of the dear Saviour's birth

# Long lay the world

# In sin and error pining

-# Till He appeared... #

-You cold?

-Aye, freezing.

-But I don't want to move.

-You know our flat's empty.

-Deek's flat's empty. I've got keys for both of them.

-Oh, aye?

So I'm just saying, if you really wanted to make it up to me.

-Owww! What was that for?

-For ruining a beautiful moment.

I like beautiful moments but I can't feel my toes!

-And you do owe me a present.

-I've got you a present, you idiot.

So where is it then?

Well, the thing is, it's kind of weird...

Or special, maybe.

-All right. I'm sure I'll like it.

-It's not really for you.

-Is it one of they goats for Africa?

-No!

It's just you'll be giving it back to me.

All right, now I'm lost.

It's a ring.

-What?

-It's for me.

So that people'll know we're getting married.

Will you marry me, Bob Adams?

Of course I will.

CHEERING

# She's gone

# 2,000 miles

# It's very far

# The snow came down

# Get's colder day by day

# I miss her

# I hear children singing

# It felt like Christmas time... #

-Listen.

-No. I don't want to talk about it.

-Gabriel, I'm getting married.

-Congratulations, honey.

Ah! Bubba!

CHEERING AND CLAPPING

-Sounds like a celebration.

-Aye. It is. Merry Christmas, then.

-Yeah, Merry Christmas.

-Merry Christmas.

-See you tonight, yeah?

-Eh?

-In the pub for the bells.

I'm not sure. I think....

You're not sure? It's Hogmanay. We'll be there, won't we, love?

Yeah!

-Anything for us?

-There you go.

-Thanks.

-How long will I be closed?

-Could be a couple of weeks.

-A couple of weeks!

-I take it you've not told her yet.

-Told me what?

After this run of gigs, Bob's moving to Dublin.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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