Episode 1 Let's Sing & Dance for Comic Relief


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Episode 1

Mel Giedroyc and Sue Perkins host as five celebrity acts sing and dance to iconic pop tracks, competing to make it through to the grand finale.


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Transcript


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Welcome to Let's Sing and Dance for Comic Relief. It's Saturday night

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and here's your hosts, Mel and Sue. # Don't believe me, just watch

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# Don't believe me just watch # Don't believe me just watch,

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# Hey, hey, hey Oh! Stop! # CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Hello. Hello. Welcome everybody. Just popped a kidney. Welcome to

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Let's Sing and Dance for Comic Relief. A new show where middle aged

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ladies dance and get tired. I just had a menopause then. Your favourite

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stars are going to storm this stage to perform huge song and dance

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numbers for your vote, you lovely public. Thank you Eamonn. Acts can

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be solos, duos or a C3-POs, I don't care. The best of the best will be

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back in the Grand Final and a chance for this trophy. No expense spared.

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Listen up, who are the brave bunch of stars taking to the stage

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tonight? Hoping the stars are align for him

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tonight it's Russell Grant. Sara Pascoe. Bringing you a performance

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that's nothing short of absolutely fabulous, it's Harriet Thorpe and

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Helen Lederer. Stepping out of their DJ booth and into their dancing

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shoes it's Ricky and Melvin. He's better known for spinning discs,

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tonight we hope he doesn't slip one. TV and radio presenter, Matt

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Edmondson. Plus see what happens when Len Goodman's tea dance is

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taken over by everyone's favourite Nan.

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All this afternoon plus a special report from Ed Sheeran about his

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visit to west Africa and brilliant performances from Emeli Sande and

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new pop sensation, Calum Scott. Lovely.

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APPLAUSE What a corker of a show. If that

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wasn't enough to make you want to cancel your aqua aerobics class

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tonight, we have some special guests. That reminds me, need to

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cancel my aqua aerobics. Our stars need your votes but they have to

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impress our panel of judges. Please welcome - Jo Brand! Frank Skinner!

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And Katherine Ryan! APPLAUSE

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Oh, look, hello lovely. Hello gorgeousnesses. Jo, Katherine and

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the sharper thorn between our roses, Frank. Welcome our lovely panel.

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APPLAUSE Now, Jo, girding your loins, what

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are you looking for from our acts? Major talent. Right. No fun, just

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talent. Just major tall interto take home. -- talent to take home. There

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is some, Jo. Is there? Prepare your bag, because there'll be something

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to put in it. Worrying the way you said bag there.

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Frank, hello. What are you hoping for this evening? It's live

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television, I'm hoping something will go wrong obviously.

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LAUGHTER We've fulfilled that mandate. I

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think people watch this show, they want to see quality, but they want

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to see maybe minor injuries. So, fingers crossed. We've had the same

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hair cut as well, Frank, which I'm really enjoying. I love that. You're

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working it better than I am. If you fall, give me the jacket, no-one

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will notice. Katherine, what are you looking for? I just want a great

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night of Saturday BBC entertainment to inspire people at home to donate

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as much as they can to Comic Relief. We will do that.

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APPLAUSE Thank you for bringing us to the

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point. Pressure's on. Here's how it works. Two of tonight's acts will

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make it through. The winner of the viewer vote and the winner of the

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judges' choice. You can also sign in to register or vote online now at

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bbc.co.uk/rednoseday. The vote opens later in the show. All our stars

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have given up their time for free to take part for one reason - to raise

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loads of money for the brilliant Comic Relief.

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It's incredibly easy to do your bit. To donate: The money that you raise

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goes directly to helping people right here in the UK and in some of

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the world's poorest communities. So I know times are tough, but please

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give what you can. Thank you. All the information you need is on your

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screen now. You must be 16 or over and please ask the bill payer's

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permission first. If your name is Bill Payer, then you're sorted. All

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bases covered. All our amazing acts are singing live don't. I don't know

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if I could do that. No, I don't think you could. They've all got

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backing tracks. Some even feature their very own vocals. Wow! What do

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you say, gang, let's get the party started. Indeed so.

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CHEERING Our first act is a radio DJ and a

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television presenter, known for having a lot of cheek. Keeping with

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that theme he's got a lot of cheek tonight, it's Matt Edmondson.

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DJ Matt Edmondson dancing and singing at the same time. That's got

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to hurt. As I'm preparing for my performance, there's only one person

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that can help me make a splash, five time Paralympic Gold Medallist Ellie

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Simons, hello. Thank you for having me on the show. I'm under a lot of

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pressure. You're used to pressure, what's your advice. First, who are

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you performing as? Nicki Minaj. Really? Nicki Minaj is one of my

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all-time I'd Oz. I thought if -- idols. I thought I needed to get

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into her head space. Or in this case, bum space. See you at the same

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time next week. Thank you so much that was great. Are you on for that

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swimming lesson later on. Definitely. Before you go, can we

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get a photo as well. Yeah. Thank you.

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Perfect. To be honest, it's taken a while to get used to logistically.

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Quite excited by it now. Feels like I've never been without. It So the

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quickest entry into the pool is glide in, like a knife, less splash

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as possible. Think stream line. OK, stream lined. People are going to

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have to get used to that h now. This is me. We weren't all born with

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perfectly formed giant buttocs. This is who I am now, and I like it.

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Thank you very much everyone. Cheers. See... Hang on. That is...

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Stuck. Can I borrow this chair for a couple of days? Thanks so murch,

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sorry. Sorry about your lights. Sorry, mate, cheers.

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Performing Super Bass, it's Matt Edmondson.

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# This one is for the boys with the booming system

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# Top down, AC with the cooling system

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# When he come up in the club, he be blazin' up

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# Got stacks on deck like he savin' up

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# And he ill, he real, he might got a deal

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# He pop bottles and he got the right kind of bill

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# He always in the air, but he never fly coach

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# He a motherloving trip, trip, sailor of the ship, ship

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# When he make it trip, trip kiss him on the lip, lip

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# That's the kind of dude I was lookin' for

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# And yes, you'll get slapped if you're lookin' yo

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# I said, excuse me, you're a hell of a guy

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# I mean my, my, my, my you're like pelican fly

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# I mean, you're so shy and I'm loving your tie

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# You're like slicker than the guy with the thing on his eye, oh

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# Yes, I did, yes I did, somebody please tell him who the I is

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# I am Nicki Minaj, I mack them dudes up, back coupes up,

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# Boy, you got my heartbeat runnin' away

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# Beating like a drum and it's coming your way

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# Can't you hear that boom, badoom, boom, boom, badoom, boom, bass?

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# Boom, badoom, boom, boom, badoom, boom, bass

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# This one is for the boys in the polos

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# He could ball with the crew, he could solo

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# But I think I like him better when he down low

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# And I think I like him better with the fitted cap on

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# He ain't even gotta try to put the mac on

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# He just gotta give me that look, when he give me that look

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# Then the pants are comin' off, off, uh

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# Excuse me, you're a hell of a guy you know I really got

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# I mean, sigh, sickenin' eyes I can tell that you're in touch

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# Yes, I did, yes I did, somebody please tell him who the I is

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# I am Nicki Minaj, I mack them dudes up, back coupes up,

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# Boy, you got my heartbeat runnin' away

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# Beating like a drum and it's coming your way

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# Can't you hear that boom, badoom, boom, boom, badoom, boom, bass?

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# He got that super bass Boom, badoom, boom, boom,

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# Boy, you got my heartbeat runnin' away

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# Beating like a drum and it's coming your way

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# Can't you hear that boom, badoom, boom, boom, badoom, boom, bass?

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Oh, yes. Matt, come here. I'm going

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to find it very hard to look you in the eye right now. Keep the eye

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contact. My eyes are here. You look like one of those balloon things you

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get at the feit. I feel like a sexy tell tubby. Gorgious. We loved that.

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Let's see what the judges think. Jo, was that bass super enough for you?

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Yes, it certainly was. I've been looking for a very long time for

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someone whose bum has dropped as far as mine. Hooray, I found them. You

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knew all the words that. Was amazing. I didn't understand any of

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them. You know... I'm an old person. Fantastic. Fantastic moves. You look

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gorgeous. It was a cracking opener. Frank, he sang, he danced at the

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same time. Pretty demanding. What do you reckon? Incredible. I remember

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Nicki Minaj when he was the leader of Ukip.

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LAUGHTER He never looked this good. He wore

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that outfit for the by-election. That was his mistake. I mean, the

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moves were great, especially with all that stuff in your pockets. I

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loved the outfit. I loved the cat suit. There's an element of a

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giraffe that's been exposed to large doses of radiation. I tell you what,

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it's always hard to be on first. I thought you absolutely nailed it.

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Well done. Katherine, how do you think he fared. To go on first. I

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love it. He's like the guy with a thing in his eye. I can tell that

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Matt Edmondson is an incredible MC and his love for Nicki Minaj really

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comes through. I want to see men also changing their bodies, you

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know, to be - I think it looks good on you. I'm thinking about getting

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it done. I love everything that I saw. Lovely comments. Thank you so

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much. If Matt's performance have you thinking, excuse me you're a hell a

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guy, I mean, my, my, my, you're like pelican fly, the details are on your

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screen now. Sometimes I don't know who you are any more. Nor do I.

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Voting opens later in the show. Don't vote now as it won't count and

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you may be charged. Can you sign in or register to vote now for free

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online at bbc.co.uk rednoseday. You know the drill. Matt, head over now

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so we can see you, to the posh seating area. Bye Matt!

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APPLAUSE So good.

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Amazing. That is a silhouette you don't often see in nature,

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wonderful. Now, it's time for a touch of class. Get the bolly on

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ice, things are about to get absolutely fabulous. It's Harriet

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Thorpe and Helen Lederer. Something tells me they're going to

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be... Absolutely fabulous. Look, I just need a minute.

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PHONE RINGS Hello, it's Edina. Is the other one

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there? Who? The idiot. Yes. Good, look, you've got to do something for

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me, for charity, it's dancing. I can't dance. That's what they want

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you to do. They want you not to dance on television. We're going to

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be on television. Television, but why? No-one knows who we are. Just

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do it. It's for charity. It's for comedy relief. It's not proper

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dancing, it's Mamma Mia. Mamma Mia. That's wonderful. I love

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Mamma Mia. I know everyone in Mamma Mia. What? Shut up and come with me.

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Hello? I thought you said you knew everyone here. We're just going to

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borrow the costumes. Push. Oh!

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Oh, it's beautiful. That's why we came here.

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Oh! You look wonderful. No, you look wonderful.

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Oh! Size 6. Should we try and squeeze it? I think you would

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struggle with that dear. Lunch? Oh, yes.

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Performing Abba's Dancing Queen it's Harriet and Helen as Ab Fabs Fleur

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and Catriona! APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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# Friday night and the lights are low

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# Where they play the right music, getting in the swing

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# Night is young and the music's high

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# With a bit of rock music, everything is fine

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# Dancing Queen, feel the beat from the tambourine, ooh yeah

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# You can dance, you can jive, having the time of your life

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# Ooh, see that girl, watch that scene, digging the Dancing Queen

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# See that girl, watch that scene, digging the Dancing Queen.#

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Wow. Do you need a hand down All right there, my love? Thank you. I

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have to say that looked more ruptured spleen than dancing Queen

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All the stitches stayed in place. Marvellous to hear it. Well done.

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Frank, how Abba-fabulous was that? The ending itself I am still

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recovering from. That would be great in the supermarket at the checkout

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and you hadn't got one of those dividers, you could just do that. It

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reminded me of a fabulous night out I had with two stewardesses in

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Glasgow. It would have been easy to have taken a much loved pop classic

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and made it ridiculous. But you resisted that. Well done. I actually

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laughed out loud. I mean, throughout. Frank, thank you. As for

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get your cards on the table, get your calves on the table, that's

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what I say. Really, you went for it. Congratulations. Thank you.

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Katherine? It was entertaining and aspirational. I can't do the splits.

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I was blown away by that. What I saw on the stage tonight is what's going

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through my mind 24-7, there is drag and sparkle in there. You were the

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kind of women I want to be and I loved what I saw. Jo, are they the

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winners? Can I just say hurray for HRT. Well done ladies, no dancing

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but standing up, well done. If you thought Harriet and Helen were

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absolutely fabulous all the details are on the screen now and you can

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vote later in the show. Not now, later, step away from the phone!

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Later, not now. It worries me. Later, not now. It's all right.

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Later! It's all right. Talking of HRT, Mel is back in the

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room. Ladies, thank you for the music and the joy you are bringing.

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING We are getting involved. Now don't

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you move a muscle. Still to come: Russell Grant who's been star-gazing

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for performance inspiration. Miss Ross, please show me the way. Sara

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Pascoe has been enjoying expert hands on coaching. That's it, yeah.

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You have strong hands. And we see what happened nan takes a

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trip to her local tea dance with Len Goodman. I will show you how it's

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done! Onwards with the party. Time for two

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men who I have spent many a morning in bed with. Yes, like that. It's

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Kiss FM Breakfast radio hosts the gorgeous Ricky and Melvin.

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Melvin. Ricky. Ricky and... Melvin. Why are you doing it in slow motion?

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It's how these things work. I don't make the rules. OK. Ricky and

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Melvin! Morning. Morning.

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All right? Yeah. What? We're in. We're doing it. They've asked us to

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do Let's Sing and Dance for Comic Relief. That's amazing. Who are we

:21:39.:21:42.

going to be I have been doing research and drawn up a list of

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classics for you to choose from. Let's do this. I have them here. All

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right. That's my framed foet open of when I won the Strictly Christmas

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special. Here it is, yes. A list of classic duos for Ricky and Melvin.

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Let's do this! Madonna and Brit knee. Woah! I get it, you want to be

:22:07.:22:13.

Madonna. Well, that's OK. Melvin, what are you doing? I am pitching

:22:14.:22:18.

ideas, my friend. Yeah, terrible ideas. Look, can't we do something

:22:19.:22:25.

cool? Will you stop. We are not doing our performance dressed as

:22:26.:22:28.

women. I am sure that's against the rules. Don't care, we are not doing

:22:29.:22:36.

it. Have you better ideas? Exactly. Wait. Hang on.

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This is it! This is the one, yes! That is it. Question. Can I do it as

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Tina Turner? No! Oh, my word. Performing a Will Smith medley, it's

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Ricky and Melvin! # My life got

:23:08.:23:13.

flipped-turned upside down # I'll tell you how I became

:23:14.:23:17.

the prince of a town called Bel-Air # In west Philadelphia

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born and raised # On the playground was where

:23:25.:23:28.

I spent most of my days # Chillin' out maxin'

:23:29.:23:31.

relaxin' all cool # And all shooting some b-ball

:23:32.:23:33.

outside of the school # When a couple of guys

:23:34.:23:35.

who were up to no good # Started making trouble

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in my neighbourhood # I got in one little fight

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and my mom got scared # She said, "you're movin' with your

:23:41.:23:43.

auntie and uncle in Bel-Air" # Let me see ya just

:23:44.:23:48.

bounce it with me # Come on, let me see

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ya just slide with me # Come on, let me see

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ya take a walk with me # Yo, back up now and

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give a brother room # The fuse is lit and

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I'm about to go boom # My life is a cage

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but on stage I'm free # Slow down girl, you're

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'bout to hurt somebody # Hold up, yo let's get

:24:27.:24:31.

just one thing clear # There's only one

:24:32.:24:33.

reason why I came here # Ya really done want me

:24:34.:24:35.

to tig-a-tig-a-tig-a # Ya really done want me

:24:36.:24:37.

to tig-a-tig-a-tig-a # Ya really done want me

:24:38.:24:40.

to tig-a-tig-a-tig-a # I came here tonight

:24:41.:24:43.

to hear the crowd go Well done! Really great. Ricky, we

:24:44.:25:24.

have something in common, presumably most people call you Mel? Yes, all

:25:25.:25:32.

the time. That's the most flap boy on the hair. Let's go to the panel.

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Not one, not two, three songs in one. I loved the medley. Katherine

:25:38.:25:45.

Ryan, she loves a medley. And Will Smith, from his greatest era! Jo,

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what's not to love, energy, charm, charisma. Flamboyant hair, come on.

:25:55.:25:58.

Yeah, all that and they're gorgeous and they're good at dancing and good

:25:59.:26:03.

at singing and they're coming home to my house. In the bag. They're

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going in the bag. You have room. Indeed. Frank, did you notice there

:26:10.:26:17.

was quite intricat costume ripping off. Incredible quick changes,

:26:18.:26:27.

everything, this is what Jedward hoped they'd become. That's the

:26:28.:26:35.

definition of a backhand comment. Gives with one hand, takes with the

:26:36.:26:41.

other. If Ricky and Melvin made you want to boom, boom shake the room,

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all the details you need are running across the magnificent bosoms now.

:26:49.:26:52.

Don't vote yet. The lines aren't open. Put your hands together for

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Ricky and Melvin. Off to the posh seats guys.

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING I can't believe we are over halfway

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through. We are. Would you like an orange segment? Yes, I would love a

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hot flannel. We don't have time for a wipe down. It's a fundraising

:27:17.:27:19.

moment. There are lots of ways you at home can get involved.

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My friend sponsored me to do advanced yoga for Red Nose Day. It's

:27:30.:27:37.

important to avoid... Squashed buns, we have chocolate cake. Remember

:27:38.:27:40.

that tasted like... Sick. You look sick. I love the 70s dancers look.

:27:41.:27:47.

Right I am off to spend a penny or a pound and you can buy one. What have

:27:48.:27:53.

you done here? We got sandwiches, crisps, sausage rolls, everything

:27:54.:27:57.

you need for a Red Nose Day party. Do you... Want a roll with it. The

:27:58.:28:05.

classic Oasising track. Only done four hours? I am starting to feel a

:28:06.:28:12.

bit... Ropey. This is all the technical jargon for a sponsored

:28:13.:28:16.

abseil. Come on, get fundraising. Whether you bake, throw a party,

:28:17.:28:20.

dress up or take on a sponsored challenge get your free fundraising

:28:21.:28:30.

kit now at bbc.co.uk/Red Nose Day. APPLAUSE

:28:31.:28:36.

Now, time to meet a man for whom Mars is always in the fourth house

:28:37.:28:40.

of camp. It's the magnificent Russell Grant!

:28:41.:28:51.

The planets have aligned. Thank your lucky stars. Russell Grant is out of

:28:52.:29:01.

this world! I think I am stuck. I am sure some

:29:02.:29:11.

of you are aware that I have a certain history in dance

:29:12.:29:14.

competitions. This isn't my first disco, if you know what I mean.

:29:15.:29:20.

Russell, the incredible flying machine!

:29:21.:29:27.

Now, I am very proud of my time on Strictly. I think I could have gone

:29:28.:29:34.

further, maybe even have won. If I had just done one thing... Dressed

:29:35.:29:41.

up as a diva. Well, I am not making that mistake again, darling.

:29:42.:30:06.

And now, performing Diana Ross's Chain Reaction, it's Russell Grant.

:30:07.:30:57.

# You took a mystery and made me want it

:30:58.:31:00.

# You got a pedestal and put me on it

:31:01.:31:04.

# You made me love you out of feeling nothing

:31:05.:31:06.

# And I was there and not dancing with anyone

:31:07.:31:14.

# You took a little, then you took me over

:31:15.:31:18.

# You set your mark on stealing my heart away

:31:19.:31:22.

# I'm in the middle of a chain reaction

:31:23.:31:30.

# You give me all the after-midnight action

:31:31.:31:34.

# I want to get you where I can let you make all that love to me

:31:35.:31:42.

# I'm on a journey for the inspiration

:31:43.:31:45.

# To anywhere and there ain't no salvation

:31:46.:31:49.

# You let me hold you for the first explosion

:31:50.:32:15.

# Is get in the middle of a chain reaction

:32:16.:32:24.

# You get a medal when you're lost in action

:32:25.:32:28.

# All ready for the sweet sensation instant radiation

:32:29.:32:30.

# You let me hold you for the first explosion

:32:31.:32:33.

# We get a picture of our love in motion

:32:34.:32:37.

# My arms will cover, my lips will smother you

:32:38.:32:41.

Oh, my giddy aunt. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

:32:42.:33:09.

Diana... Come on. Come on in. Thank you so much. Thanks gang. The

:33:10.:33:13.

dressing rooms are just up there. See you later. Oh, Russell. It

:33:14.:33:18.

started off so well. It finished well. In the middle it was

:33:19.:33:21.

wonderful. You were on fire. At times literally. Well done. How are

:33:22.:33:29.

you feeling? Well, I think it's great in front of this lot,

:33:30.:33:32.

fantastic. Let's see what the panel thought.

:33:33.:33:43.

Jo, the BBC was set up to inform, educate and entertain, how are we

:33:44.:33:48.

doing? Very well at the entertaining. You can see in the

:33:49.:33:52.

future, I hope you can see yourself doing well. Can you tell me how my

:33:53.:33:57.

weekend's going to be? My sign is I'm on the cusp of cancer and

:33:58.:33:59.

diabetes... LAUGHTER

:34:00.:34:04.

I can see you with two guys, one called Melvin, one called Ricky.

:34:05.:34:10.

APPLAUSE Enough of the after-show party.

:34:11.:34:21.

Frank, if Diana Ross were with us... I thought it was Lesley Joseph!

:34:22.:34:30.

Yeah, sorry. If Diana Ross were with us now what would she say? I think

:34:31.:34:34.

she'd be proud at that tribute. For a start off, with one act, you have

:34:35.:34:40.

doubled the scrout put of the British chiffon industry. Just an

:34:41.:34:43.

explosion of red. You look like road kill with rhythm. I mean that in the

:34:44.:34:50.

best possible way. Whenever you do it, you absolutely go for it. That

:34:51.:34:54.

made me - literally made me cry. Well done. Brilliant.

:34:55.:34:59.

APPLAUSE How did that rate for you? I mean,

:35:00.:35:04.

I've laughed a lot this evening, I've been entertained, but that had

:35:05.:35:08.

drama. There was fire. Jeopardy, firemen, thank you so much Russell,

:35:09.:35:11.

I loved it. There was a narrative art. There really was. And really

:35:12.:35:16.

hot dudes. That's how I like my narrative art with hot dudes at the

:35:17.:35:21.

end. If you want to see Russell in the grand finale, the details are on

:35:22.:35:25.

the screen. The vote is not open yet. Not yet. The vote's not open

:35:26.:35:29.

yet. How many times do we have to say that. The vote isn't open. I'm

:35:30.:35:34.

sorry she hasn't had her teatime sausage. Give it up for our dancing

:35:35.:35:37.

diva, Miss Diana Ross. APPLAUSE

:35:38.:35:46.

That was very strong. She's still on the move. Just that rear view. Ross

:35:47.:35:52.

on the move. Throes flowers to the crowd. Poetry in motion. Finally,

:35:53.:35:57.

it's time to welcome a girl who makes comedy look so much fun, it

:35:58.:36:03.

almost makes me want to have a go myself. It's the hillarious Sara

:36:04.:36:13.

Pascoe. Author and comedian. Sara Pascoe. I'm saying, that's going to

:36:14.:36:20.

be expensive. Sorry. Most people are already familiar

:36:21.:36:31.

with my story. When I was born, I was a baby. Then I decided to go

:36:32.:36:35.

into show business because everyone in my family is a performer. There's

:36:36.:36:41.

me and my sister Kylie, who I love. My mum Arlene Philips and my father,

:36:42.:36:46.

Lionel Richie. It all comes so easily to me. It's, all of them,

:36:47.:36:55.

just easy. Ballet. Tap. Breakdance. And the robot. That made it so much

:36:56.:37:00.

harder for my mother when I turned my back on show business and became

:37:01.:37:09.

a comedian. I'm sorry, mum. Aye comedian, I mean they're lower than

:37:10.:37:14.

magicians. My dad actually divorced my mum and left us because of the

:37:15.:37:17.

shame. We don't know where daddy is now. Maybe if I win Let's Sing and

:37:18.:37:23.

Dance for Comic Relief he'll come back and mummy will forgive me.

:37:24.:37:32.

KNOCK AT THE DOOR I booked this room from 4pm. All right.

:37:33.:37:47.

This is the one I've been practising, mum. Five, six, 78. Oh!

:37:48.:38:00.

Kylie, she's done it again. She's hopeless.

:38:01.:38:09.

And now performing Sia's Chandelier, it's Sara Pascoe.

:38:10.:38:19.

# Can't feel anything, when will I learn

:38:20.:38:22.

# I'm gonna swing from the chandelier, from the chandelier

:38:23.:38:47.

# I'm gonna live like tomorrow doesn't exist

:38:48.:38:55.

# I'm gonna fly like a bird through the night,

:38:56.:39:06.

# I'm gonna swing from the chandelier, from the chandelier

:39:07.:39:21.

# I'm gonna swing from the chandelier, from the chandelier

:39:22.:39:42.

# I'm gonna live like tomorrow doesn't exist

:39:43.:39:50.

# I'm gonna fly like a bird through the night,

:39:51.:40:01.

# I'm gonna swing from the chandelier,

:40:02.:40:13.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Can somebody help me? Thank you. Air

:40:14.:40:37.

yay! Amazing, amazing, amazing. You did brilliantly. So good. The only

:40:38.:40:43.

bad news after that extraordinary performance is that I'm afraid the

:40:44.:40:47.

landlord will not be giving you your deposit back. Worth it. So worth it.

:40:48.:40:53.

Well done. I'm speechless by those vocals, what did you reckon?

:40:54.:41:00.

Incredible. Looks-wise you're a cross between Kate bush and a

:41:01.:41:03.

disturbed Alice In Wonderland. Yes, that's my psyche. I really liked

:41:04.:41:09.

those people that were dancing in their swimming costumes with you as

:41:10.:41:12.

well. They were jolly nice. It was originally suggested I would be

:41:13.:41:15.

doing that. I was sort of hoping you might. Never mind. Katherine,

:41:16.:41:20.

singing and swinging at the same time. Things got pretty good. I mean

:41:21.:41:25.

Sara does it all. She never fails to impress me. I want to meet a man who

:41:26.:41:30.

looks at me the way I look at Sara Pascoe singing Chandelier. Frank,

:41:31.:41:34.

that was an extraordinary performance, especially given she

:41:35.:41:38.

ran the extreme risk of being electrocuted throughout. Yeah and

:41:39.:41:44.

the bit when the dancers became the staircase was brilliant. Sia

:41:45.:41:48.

supported by steps. I never thought I'd see that.

:41:49.:41:54.

He's so good. If you enjoyed Sara's performance and you'd like to see

:41:55.:41:57.

her in the finals... CHEERING

:41:58.:42:03.

Then all the voting details are on your screen now. The vote opens

:42:04.:42:07.

shortly. You need to sign in or register to vote online at

:42:08.:42:15.

bbc.co.uk/rednoseday. Join that alluring bunch over there. Big love

:42:16.:42:18.

for Sara. APPLAUSE

:42:19.:42:25.

Well, that is that. All of our star acts have now performed. Look at

:42:26.:42:30.

them, look at them over there, like a celebrity look-alike twilight

:42:31.:42:34.

zone. If you wouldn't mind summing up this extraordinary show, Jo,

:42:35.:42:38.

how's it been for you? Overwhelming. Yeah, thanks. Me or Frank? I don't

:42:39.:42:45.

mind, Jo. She's just saying the name. The time of night when her

:42:46.:42:52.

cold medication kicks in. Everyone has been brilliant, but Mel's not

:42:53.:42:55.

been great. Frank, sum it up for us, if you don't mind. I don't think

:42:56.:43:00.

doing charitable work should be this enjoyable. It's been like a great

:43:01.:43:04.

night out for me. I loved every one of them. Honestly. Who expected

:43:05.:43:08.

this? I thought it would be a nightmare. It was great.

:43:09.:43:15.

Katherine, one word please, just one word to sum everything up?

:43:16.:43:23.

Donations. Good. A perfect word. Going to get you Brandy. I'm not

:43:24.:43:26.

going to forget that. That's what they think, but it's your vote that

:43:27.:43:30.

really counts. I guess there's only one thing left to do, Dame Babs

:43:31.:43:35.

Windsor, it's over to you. Voting is now open!

:43:36.:43:47.

# But here's my number, so call me maybe

:43:48.:44:00.

These new vary folkals are playing up. Time to get serious now. Forget

:44:01.:44:05.

Mel, forget Sue. Strip away the characters. To be honest most people

:44:06.:44:11.

have forgotten Mel and Sue since we binned off that cake show. If you'd

:44:12.:44:14.

like to - this is serious. LAUGHTER

:44:15.:44:21.

They're booing my P 45 Melanie. Can't see anything. No. Very

:44:22.:44:25.

difficult now. If you'd like to vote for tonight's winner of Let's Sing

:44:26.:44:28.

and Dance for Comic Relief, called cost 15 p plus any network access

:44:29.:44:33.

charge. Get the bill payer's permission before you call. Or vote

:44:34.:44:45.

online for free, yes for free at bbc.co.uk /rednoseday. The vote

:44:46.:44:52.

closes in approximately 13 minutes. Being visually impaired has made you

:44:53.:44:56.

shout. Don't vote if you are watching on demand. Lovely, you can

:44:57.:44:58.

applaud now. Thank you very much. Breaking news just in from our

:44:59.:45:08.

entertainment correspondent, the Queen has announced her favourite

:45:09.:45:14.

ever boy band, apparently it's One's Direction. Now, time for a quick

:45:15.:45:25.

re... One can't get the staff! Time for a quick reminder of tonight's

:45:26.:45:27.

performances and those all-important numbers.

:45:28.:47:02.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING A cracking bunch. Please get voting

:47:03.:47:09.

for your favourite. What a show so far. Feels like a cheese-induced

:47:10.:47:13.

dream. Listen, while our performers head back stage to get their wigs

:47:14.:47:19.

refreshed, here's a reminder of just why we are all here tonight. That's

:47:20.:47:23.

to raise money for Comic Relief. This is what happened when Ed

:47:24.:47:28.

Sheeran visited west Africa and met a

:47:29.:47:29.

brave little girl called Peaches. We will do songs. You sing one and I

:47:30.:47:40.

will sing one. Yeah. # All around... APPLAUSE

:47:41.:47:48.

# Will be loving you til we're 70. It's been over three years since the

:47:49.:47:54.

outbreak of Eboa killed over 11,000 people in Africa. When Ebola hit,

:47:55.:48:02.

what was it like? My father was sick.

:48:03.:48:13.

When was the last time you went to school?

:48:14.:48:47.

What's that, Peaches? Last thing I wanted this trip to be was to be the

:48:48.:49:01.

celebrity who comes over to Africa and cries on TV and says send your

:49:02.:49:06.

money over, I really wanted to come and be like everything is positive,

:49:07.:49:10.

everything is great. I don't know, just singing with that girl... Her

:49:11.:49:16.

dad taught her how to sing. Yeah, she just got really choked up

:49:17.:49:19.

about it. I watch Comic Relief every single

:49:20.:49:23.

year and this is always what celebrities do. I always think, no,

:49:24.:49:28.

is it really that bad? Then I sort of turn up and yes, it is. To send a

:49:29.:49:33.

girl like Peaches to school for a whole year is only ?45. Just a few

:49:34.:49:40.

of you texting right now can get the job done.

:49:41.:49:50.

As Ed said in Liberia, a whole year of education costs just ?65. That's

:49:51.:50:02.

a year of education. -- 4 h -- ?45. It's easy to make a difference. All

:50:03.:50:08.

the details are on the screen. Texts will cost your donation and your

:50:09.:50:11.

standard message charge and 100% of your donation will go to Comic

:50:12.:50:18.

Relief. You must be over 16. Full terms and continues, go to

:50:19.:50:24.

bbc.co.uk/Red Nose Day. Now it's time for a performance that doesn't

:50:25.:50:32.

involve wigs or inflatable thighs. Or this. It's Calum Scott.

:50:33.:50:41.

# I'm static and I can't move my feet.

:50:42.:50:46.

# From the moment that you stood next to me.

:50:47.:50:48.

# Feeling manic, I forget how to speak.

:50:49.:50:54.

# It feels like I can be the one for your love.

:50:55.:51:38.

# It feels like I can be the one for your love.

:51:39.:51:46.

# when the lights go out and my feet don't even want to touch the ground.

:51:47.:52:16.

# I feel the panic of my world turned upside down.

:52:17.:52:20.

# It feels like I can be the one for your love.

:52:21.:52:54.

# It feels like I can be the one for your love.

:52:55.:52:59.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Incredible. What an extraordinary

:53:00.:53:43.

performance by Calum Scott there. Unfortunately you can't vote for him

:53:44.:53:46.

but you can still vote for all our acts. Make sure you do. As well as

:53:47.:53:51.

tonight's star-studded performances in the studio we have taken comedy

:53:52.:53:54.

legends out and about to strut their stuff. Here's what happened when the

:53:55.:53:58.

nation's favourite nan met the nation's favourite Len.

:53:59.:54:08.

Here we go, nan. It's supposed to be a great afternoon out, get exercise,

:54:09.:54:13.

meet new people. Is this going to take long? I am going Homes under

:54:14.:54:19.

The Hammer for this. This will be a laugh. It isn't going to be all old

:54:20.:54:25.

people, their faces make me sick! Nan! One, two, three. Oh, yes, off

:54:26.:54:34.

we go. Lovely. Posture. Here we are, nan. What did I tell you! Have a

:54:35.:54:40.

look at this mob. Oh, I can't bear to look. Nan. Oh, and as for you...

:54:41.:54:51.

Sitting next to Will-i-am next week giving everyone a 7. No, that's Tom

:54:52.:54:55.

Jones. I thought you were looking a bit peaky. Are you here to dance

:54:56.:54:59.

because we have some experienced gentlemen here for you. Don't make

:55:00.:55:03.

me laugh! I'll show you how it's done.

:55:04.:55:06.

Hit it! Oh, hello! # # Where have all the

:55:07.:55:28.

good men gone # Where is the street wise Hercules

:55:29.:55:37.

to fight the rising odds. And lift! # Isn't there a white knight upon a

:55:38.:55:43.

steed # Late at night I toss and turn and

:55:44.:55:46.

I dream of what I need # I need a hero.

:55:47.:55:53.

# I am holding out for a hero to the end of the night

:55:54.:55:58.

# He's got to be strong and fast and got to be fresh from the fight.

:55:59.:56:07.

# I'm holding out for a hero until the morning light and he's got to be

:56:08.:56:12.

sure and got to be soon # And he's gotta be larger than

:56:13.:56:20.

life! What are you doing now? Not you, get back to The Voice! Get your

:56:21.:56:24.

hands off me! # I need a hero! # I am holding out

:56:25.:56:31.

for a hero to the end of the night. # He's got to be strong and he's got

:56:32.:56:36.

to be fast and got to be fresh from the fight!

:56:37.:56:39.

# I need a hero! # I am holding out for a hero to the

:56:40.:56:44.

morning light # He's got to be sharp and got to be

:56:45.:56:51.

soon and he's got to be larger than life!

:56:52.:56:59.

Snop I # I need a hero! APPLAUSE

:57:00.:57:30.

Suit yourself. Your dancers, you can keep them. That's the worst singing

:57:31.:57:34.

voice I have ever heard. That's a bit much, you were in the

:57:35.:57:39.

Eurovision, nil points! Come on boys. # I need a hero

:57:40.:57:50.

# I'm holding out for a hero... Bonnie Tyler! Sticking her oar in!

:57:51.:58:01.

Hello, nan, I hear you are looking for a hero. Not any more. You will

:58:02.:58:08.

do. We will do our own version of Dirty Dancing. Get me home in time

:58:09.:58:14.

for Pointless you can do whatever you like.

:58:15.:58:22.

APPLAUSE As you saw during that film the vote

:58:23.:58:28.

is now closed, just to confirm, Dame Babs... The vote is now closed. When

:58:29.:58:33.

the Dame speaks, you listen as I learned to my cost when I tried to

:58:34.:58:39.

jump in front of Dame Helen Mirren in the toilet queue. Don't vote,

:58:40.:58:46.

your vote won't count and you may be charged. Coming up a special

:58:47.:58:54.

performance from Emeli Sande performance. First this report.

:58:55.:59:01.

This is Eddie, he is ten years old and lives on the streets of Uganda.

:59:02.:59:08.

Every day he hunts for plastic bottles to earn a few shillings to

:59:09.:59:15.

buy food. How much do you usually make from correcting -- from

:59:16.:59:23.

collecting bottles here? 300 shillings, about 8p. He's just a

:59:24.:59:27.

little boy and he has no shoes on and he's on a rubbish pile. Living

:59:28.:59:33.

like this means he is missing out on an education. Is it hard seeing

:59:34.:59:37.

other children going to school and you are not able to go?

:59:38.:59:48.

As night falls, he searches for cardboard to sleep on and I meet up

:59:49.:59:54.

with Carole, a project worker. Just how scary is it sleeping on the

:59:55.:59:59.

streets? It is really dangerous, when the big boys come in. Yeah.

:00:00.:00:07.

They end up beating them badly to the extent they can have inner

:00:08.:00:15.

bleeding. In this town in -- in this town alone there are hundreds of

:00:16.:00:18.

boys who sleep out every night. Food, shelter and education are the

:00:19.:00:24.

basics that every child deserves. He has none of these. As you kiss

:00:25.:00:29.

your kids and put them to bed, please think about them, cold,

:00:30.:00:31.

hungry and in danger. This is your chance to make this right.

:00:32.:00:39.

Please give what you can. Thank you. Just ?10 could pay for a child like

:00:40.:00:43.

this to go to school for a whole term. To donate ?5 text the word

:00:44.:00:49.

give to: Or to donate ?10 text give:

:00:50.:00:55.

I am pleased to say that Eddie is being supported by a project to get

:00:56.:01:01.

back into education. He is living back at home with his mum and is off

:01:02.:01:06.

the streets for good. So, you can see your money really can make a

:01:07.:01:08.

difference. All the information that you need is

:01:09.:01:13.

on your screen now. Please do give what you can, every single donation

:01:14.:01:16.

can change lives. Now, please put your hands together

:01:17.:01:19.

for the wonderful Emeli Sande. # Cuz baby when you're gentle,

:01:20.:01:30.

it's all that it takes # If you're tired

:01:31.:01:49.

of south, # Cuz, baby, when you're gentle,

:01:50.:02:13.

it's all that it takes. Thanks so much Emeli. Right, now is

:02:14.:04:50.

the moment you've all been waiting for, Dame Babs over to you. The

:04:51.:04:59.

results are in! CHEERING

:05:00.:05:01.

So, Babs, without further ado, here's Mel with the red envelope.

:05:02.:05:06.

Mel? Mel! Smelly. I cannot tell you what she used to get up to. I had

:05:07.:05:11.

the dressing room next to her for three years. Can I tell you. That

:05:12.:05:17.

June Brown, what a minx. I could sit here all evening with electric

:05:18.:05:21.

gossip like this Yes, yes, yes, but you've got to get those out. There

:05:22.:05:27.

go on, get out of my booth. Mel! Sorry, mate. You know what it's

:05:28.:05:33.

like when Dame Babs starts jawing. Sorry about that. A lot of chat on

:05:34.:05:38.

the old Babs. The results are in. That means it's time to welcome back

:05:39.:05:45.

our five magnificent star acts. Matt Edmondson. Harriet Thorpe and

:05:46.:05:56.

Helen Lederer. Ricky and Melvin. Russell Grant. And Sara Pascoe.

:05:57.:06:11.

APPLAUSE Now, if you're just tuning in, that

:06:12.:06:17.

must look nuts. Earlier tonight, five celeb acts sang and danced

:06:18.:06:20.

their leg warmers off for you. Only two acts can go through. The act

:06:21.:06:23.

with the highest number of viewer votes will have a guaranteed place

:06:24.:06:27.

in the Grand Final. The acts that come second and third will face the

:06:28.:06:29.

panel who will choose their favourite. Cue the low, dramatic

:06:30.:06:36.

lighting. Oh, not that low slam -- low! In between. That's great.

:06:37.:06:41.

Fabulous stuff. We're nearly ready to go OK. Oh, God my heart's gone.

:06:42.:06:45.

Are you all right, mate. Can you hear it? Goes really loud.

:06:46.:06:53.

Calm yourself. The great British public, that's you, have voted and

:06:54.:06:57.

we can now reveal the top three acts in the viewer vote: In no particular

:06:58.:07:07.

order, first act is... Sara Pascoe! APPLAUSE

:07:08.:07:15.

Yes! Russell, thank you. I'm not surprised. Well done. My

:07:16.:07:23.

heart's gone again. Also, it's OK. Also in the top three we have...

:07:24.:07:32.

Matt Edmondson! APPLAUSE

:07:33.:07:34.

well done Matt. Finally, in the top three it's...

:07:35.:07:56.

Ricky and Melvin! APPLAUSE

:07:57.:08:07.

That means we have to say a fond farewell to Harriet and Helen and

:08:08.:08:11.

the gorgeous Russell. Guys, have you enjoyed yourselves?

:08:12.:08:17.

Loved it. Yeah. You're keeping the outfit I hope? I had a wonderful

:08:18.:08:21.

time. Keep in touch. All these people are going to make the most

:08:22.:08:24.

fantastic finalists when they get through.

:08:25.:08:30.

Ladies and gentleman, off you go darlings. Thank you so much. Big

:08:31.:08:33.

round of applause. APPLAUSE

:08:34.:08:36.

They don't want to go anywhere. Off you pop. Off you go. The winner

:08:37.:08:43.

doesn't take it all. Off you pop. Off you go.

:08:44.:08:47.

APPLAUSE We will now reveal the winner of the

:08:48.:08:52.

public vote. The fate of the other two is in the hands of the judges.

:08:53.:09:00.

Please reveal tonight's winner. And the winner is... La La Land...

:09:01.:09:10.

LAUGHTER So sorry. You did it in LA and you

:09:11.:09:19.

do it here. Sorry. So sorry. It's actually Moonlight.

:09:20.:09:22.

LAUGHTER All right. The real winner of

:09:23.:09:30.

tonight's Let's Sing and Dance for Comic Relief Is... Ricky and Melvin!

:09:31.:09:44.

CHEERING Congratulations.

:09:45.:09:52.

So good. Sara, well done, my love. Good luck. Good luck. Ricky and

:09:53.:10:05.

Melvin we look forward to seeing you in the final. Off you go and get

:10:06.:10:09.

yourself ready for the winner's performance.

:10:10.:10:13.

APPLAUSE OK. This means there's just one

:10:14.:10:17.

place left in the Grand Final. Who will join Ricky and Melvin, will it

:10:18.:10:22.

be Matt or Sara? It's down to the panel to decide. Before they do,

:10:23.:10:26.

here's a quick reminder of their cracking performances.

:10:27.:10:46.

Right. OK, who's it going to be, Matt or Sara? Panel, I'm going to

:10:47.:11:19.

ask one name from you, please. It is, I'm afraid pressure time. Jo,

:11:20.:11:23.

got my eyes on you. Who would you like to send through to the final

:11:24.:11:32.

and why? For sheer jutzpah and swinging about it has to be Sara.

:11:33.:11:37.

Right. Frank, if you say Sara, Sara is through. Who are you going for?

:11:38.:11:46.

For sheer jutzpah and even more swinging about, Matt.

:11:47.:11:52.

Oh, Katherine. Down to the wire. All eyes on the Ryan. You have the

:11:53.:11:56.

deciding vote, is it going to be Matt or Sara? It's so, so difficult

:11:57.:12:01.

for me. Sara has the voice of an angel. And Matt has the body of many

:12:02.:12:06.

different angles. Picasso, isn't it? Yeah. And I mean, nepotism aside, I

:12:07.:12:12.

think, in a decision like this, I vote for whoever has the name of one

:12:13.:12:18.

of my pets and my pets are called Dolly, one of my pets is called

:12:19.:12:25.

Megan, a bit like Matt and my cat is Sara Pascoe. That's why I'm going

:12:26.:12:28.

for you. Oh, guys. (

:12:29.:12:32.

for you. Oh, guys. That was the best hug. I'm

:12:33.:12:36.

going to miss you. Going to miss you too. Matt, I've never actually seen

:12:37.:12:41.

what you look like in real life. And you never will. We're never going to

:12:42.:12:47.

meet. You were amazing. It's criminal to let go of curves like

:12:48.:12:53.

that. Massive round of applause. Let's hear it for Matt Edmondson as

:12:54.:12:56.

Nicki Minajment -- Nicki Minaj. And for all of our

:12:57.:13:00.

acts, who've given their time, amazing.

:13:01.:13:04.

APPLAUSE Now, you're very far away, mate.

:13:05.:13:07.

There you are. Listen, what an amazing night it's been. A massive

:13:08.:13:10.

thanks to our incredible stars and our fantastic panel. We're going to

:13:11.:13:14.

be back next Saturday night at 6. 45pm with five more fabulous star

:13:15.:13:17.

acts and more special guests. For now, we will leave you with our

:13:18.:13:21.

wonderful winners, give it up for Ricky and Melvin.

:13:22.:13:32.

# My life got flipped-turned upside down

:13:33.:13:36.

# I'll tell you how I became the prince of a town called Bel-Air

:13:37.:13:46.

# In west Philadelphia born and raised

:13:47.:13:49.

# On the playground was where I spent most of my days

:13:50.:13:51.

# Chillin' out maxin' relaxin' all cool

:13:52.:13:53.

# And all shooting some b-ball outside of the school

:13:54.:13:56.

# When a couple of guys who were up to no good

:13:57.:13:59.

# Started making trouble in my neighbourhood

:14:00.:14:01.

# I got in one little fight and my mom got scared

:14:02.:14:03.

# She said, "you're movin' with your auntie and uncle in Bel-Air"

:14:04.:14:10.

# Let me see ya just bounce it with me

:14:11.:14:21.

# Come on, let me see ya just slide with me

:14:22.:14:26.

So, like, you get sponsored to swap clothes with somebody for a day.

:14:27.:14:29.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. OK, I don't get that. So, maybe...

:14:30.:14:31.

I don't get that. ..you wear your mother's clothes?

:14:32.:14:34.

I don't get it. What does she wear? No, no, she wears someone else's.

:14:35.:14:38.

OK, I don't get that, it's too complicated. Do another one.

:14:39.:14:42.

So, like, you get sponsored to let people lick stuff

:14:43.:14:44.

No, but, like, you get these flavoured... Cool, yeah.

:14:45.:14:48.

Not going to happen. Peanut butter. Do another one.

:14:49.:14:52.

For better ideas, get your free fundraising kit now.

:14:53.:14:59.

We're going to bond by finding out whether Paula was really

:15:00.:15:11.

Mel Giedroyc and Sue Perkins host as five celebrity acts sing and dance to iconic pop tracks, all in aid of Comic Relief. In each episode, two acts are put through to the grand finale, where viewers will vote for their champion.

The first episode features Radio 1 DJ Matt Edmondson, astrologer Russell Grant, comedian Sara Pascoe, DJs Rickie and Melvin, and Absolutely Fabulous actresses Helen Lederer and Harriet Thorpe. The judging panel is made up of Jo Brand, Paul O'Grady and Frank Skinner, and there are appearances from Catherine Tate and Ed Sheeran, as well as music from Emeli Sande.