Episode 3 Let's Sing & Dance for Comic Relief


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Episode 3

Steph and Dom from Gogglebox, This Morning's Alison Hammond and the presenters of The One Show are among those competing for places in the finale.


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Transcript


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Welcome to Let's Sing and Dance for Comic Relief.

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Hello, dear. Oh! If you have just

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tuned in two peri-menopausal women have split their trousers and if you

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are Victoria and David Beckham, yes, we did nick those thrones!

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Have we got a Saturday night extravaganza for you.

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It's almost perfectly positioned in the schedules some say. Now stop,

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because that sounds like a rally. There is a fine line.

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You don't have to be singing and dancing to work here, but it helps,

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as this lot, thank you, Jennifer, as this lot will tell you.

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it's This Morning's Alison Hammond. and getting her freak on tonight

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Swapping their beloved sofa for the stage, it's TV's

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Hoping you go totally Gaga for them tonight it's The One Show reporters.

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Hoping they can piff-paff-poof their way into the final it's

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magician Pete Firman and comedian Ellie Taylor.

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And, finally channelling her inner glam rock God it's

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Plus, Craig Revel Horwood and Beverley Callard

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find their happy place in, where else, Blackpool.

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And Comic Relief reports from Sara Cox in Kenya

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All that, plus a rock out as only a middle-aged woman can say

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with the cast of hit musical School of Rock and chart-topper Anne-Marie

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There was a special on comedy panelists.

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Please give a very warm and cuddly welcome to Jennifer Saunders,

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Julian Clary, Tameka Empson and Miranda Hart.

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING The love is intense. Guys, I hope

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you are ready for this because someone in the office had to write a

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lot of e-mails to get you all here. Jennifer, you are head panelist, how

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are you feeling about tonight? I am excited. I am hoping they can raise

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laughs and money at the same time. She's good! I am auditioning for

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Strictly. With the grand final just around

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the corner only two acts The winner of the viewer

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vote and the act chosen You will be able to vote

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for your favourite by phone I love this list. It's one of my

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favourite lists she's ever done. I am going to have to lean a bit. Do

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you want a coffee? Yes, please. All you have to to is sign

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in or register to vote now Don't forget the vote

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opens later in the show. So put down the phone,

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Belinda, in Nottingham. I really hope Belinda in Nottingham

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is convinced that was for her. If you have been affected by any of

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the issues raised there, particularly if you are Belinda from

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Nottingham, press the red button now.

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As Sir Trevor McDonald famously once sang, let's get this party started.

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. First up a woman who won the shiesh

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woman in Birmingham award. We had to coax her to come here tonight, it's

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Alison Hammond. Maybe a little too much spinning!

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Yo, yo, what's up Comic Relief, welcome to my crib! Come on in. Come

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on! Would you mind wiping your feet on the way in? Pretty sweet, eh?

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It's massive! So, let's go downstairs into the area downstairs.

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This is the... Oh, cinema! Oh my gosh! How amazing is this? All the

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DVDs. Obviously this is where I do all my research for the interviews

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that I do, the likes of Hugh Jackman, George Clooney. No biggie.

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This is where I like to work out. Oh!

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Can we cut that bit out because I have never even tried to lift this

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up before. Fancy a dip? No problem. Got my own pool. Boom! You know it.

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Oh, bubbles! So, this is where I host all my

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par-tays! This property has been on the market All right, you have to

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go, just go and hide, get out of here! This is a wonderful house, it

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has absolutely everything. I don't know where to go! Let me show you

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the kitchen now. I am sure you will love this.

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Performing Missy Elliott's Get Your Freak On

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# I know you dig the way I sw-sw-switch my style.

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# People gon play me now, in and out of town.

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# 'Cause I'm the best around with the crazy style.

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Clearing Sky clear APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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Let me in there. Bring it on! So much fun. How good was that? Did you

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get your freak on? So freaked, brilliant. Well done. Slightly

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singed by the fire. Brilliant. Well done. Not a track I know but I loved

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it. As a pioneer at the forefront of American hip-hop and R how was

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that for you? Well, the thing is it was convincing because I have only

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ever see you being nice and friendly and charming and you were doing it

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with such conviction, it was hard and scary. It was fierce! And

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entertaining. Properly fierce. Do you need a defibrimmator? Yes, could

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you get one. Don't shoot the messenger. My girl freaked it out

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and to think... I heard somebody said Missy Elliott, UK, I don't

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know, just saying freak out. Very good.

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Is it time to be calling her Missy Hammond? Nice. Yes, for sure. For

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sure. You is fly, you is sick. Yeah. She's got all the lingo. You have

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your freak on, never take your freak off. I thought it was frightfully

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good. Don't think you can get freak off until after the watershed. Thank

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you, panel. If you want to see Missy Alison in the grand final then

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holler, all the details are on the screen. The vote is not open yet.

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Step away from that phone or I will set this one on you. Look at those

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teeth, she can really bite you, you do not want the imprint of that on

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your thigh as I know to my cost. Calls will cost 15p plus any network

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charge. ... She's left me hanging! Sorry! There was a loose one there.

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Listen, Belinda in Nottingham, that means you. You can also sign in or

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register to vote. Come on. Bbc.co.uk/Red Nose Day. Alison, off

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you go. Let's head to the posh seats.

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All our generous giving stars are here for one main reason. That's

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because the pad thai in the canteen is to die for. They're here to raise

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money for the brilliant Comic Relief. It's simple to do your bit.

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All it takes is a text. To donate ?5 text Give to 07205. To text ?10 text

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Give to 70210. Please do give what you can. All the information is

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running below my wriggling fingers now. You must be 16 or over. Will I

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stop wriggling. I think I will. Once you know who the bill payer is see

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if you can get a free takeaway out of them, as well. Extortion. Our

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next couple have spent their TV careers in front of the telly saying

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what they think. Here's your chance to do the same, it's Steph and Dom!

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On the sofa, this is it! Look at them go!

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Oh, for goodness sake! # In a perfect world... Tea? No, I am fine,

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thank you. I would like us to do our research and watch the Comic Relief

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thing we have signed up for. I am very excited, really looking forward

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to it. Can't wait. ? Welcome to Let's Sing and Dance... Dancing? You

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didn't say anything about dancing. I did. I thought we were going to

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Africa. No, we are going to Elstree Studios. Really? Yes. I suppose it

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can't be all that bad. Look at the curves on that. Are you joking me,

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you do realise that's Matt Edmondson. What? Yes. We might have

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to cross-dress, I don't know. Well, I am not too far against that but

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they get good pop acts. Look at that. Lovely. That's Gareth Gates.

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And they want us to sing, as well. Sing? Yes. You didn't say anything

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about singing. Why did we sign up for this? I don't know. It's not

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entirely too late to pull out, is it? In the rehearsal studio, please,

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we are ready for you. Come on guys, first positions.

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What's the worst that can happen? Five, six, seven, eight... Come on

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guys. Oh, good grief! Can somebody get me a stiff drink?

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Performing Meatloaf and Cher's Dead Ringer For Love, it's Steph and dom!

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# Every night I grab some money and I go down to the bar

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# I got my buddies and a beer I got a dream I need a car

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# You got me begging on my knees c'mon and throw the dog a bone

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# A man he doesn't live by rock'n'roll and brew alone

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# Rock 'n roll and brew rock 'n roll and brew

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# They don't mean a thing when I compare 'em next to you

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# Rock 'n roll and brew rock 'n roll and brew

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# I know that you and I we got better things to do

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# I don't know who you are or what you do or where you go

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# I don't know anything about you baby

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# But you're everything I'm dreaming of

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# I don't know who you are but you're a real dead ringer for love

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# Ever since I can remember you been hanging 'round this joint

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# You been trying to look away but now you finally got the point

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# I don't have to know your name and I won't tell you what to do

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# But a girl like me can't live by only rock 'n roll and brew

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# Rock 'n roll and brew rock 'n roll and brew

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# They don't mean a thing when I compare 'em next to you

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# Rock 'n roll and brew rock 'n roll and brew

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# I know that you and I we got better things to do

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# I don't know who you are or what you do or where you go

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# I don't know anything about you baby

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# But you're everything I'm dreaming of

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# I don't know who you are but you're a real dead ringer for love

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All that hair! One of the most flammable things I have touched in

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my life. It is like Prince Charles. Your highness, welcome. We are going

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to go straight to you. After seeing that, do you wish you could turn

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back time? To when? It is amazing what you can do when you get off the

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sofa, isn't it. Who knew? Who knew? Dom, look at you. You can't help

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yourself. No. Desperately seeking Susanish. But I loved it. Very good.

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Miranda. They have proved they would doing my for love. Should they have

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done that? I think they should have done that. I am sort of scared and

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entertained in equal measure, mainly by the wig, which should be bigger.

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It should be bigger. Not the hair, that is not possible. I mean this in

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a positive way, there was excellent dad dancing. Loved it. I mean that

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in a positive way. It was excellent. Jennifer, did they Meatloaf, did it

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give you the hots or the trots? The hots. That is not a bad look is it.

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That is pretty good. I want to see it again but not sober.

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Jennifer, you have caught her eye. That is all I am stay saying. If you

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would like to see them perform again in the final the details are on the

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screen. If you want to adopt the hair, you can do that after the

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show. The vote isn't open yet so hold your horses, Strut your way

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over to the posh seats where you belong darlings.

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They are in love aren't they. Very in love. Strike a pose. Don't you

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move as still to come... Pete and Ellie who have been effecting their

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magical partnership in reher Sams. And Her Majesty the keen loved it.

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Sally Lindsay, who has been getting into glam rock spirit. Guy, could

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somebody tune my guitar please? Plus see what happens when ballroom's

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finest Craig Revel Horwood hits the Vegas of the north.

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APPLAUSE I like that. All of that, plus Sarah

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Cox will join us to tell us about her 24 hours danceathon for Comic

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Relief. I have any disco pants and Deeley boppers which are made out of

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Cat Deeley. Our next bunch are known as journalist, today they are here

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to prove they were born this way. It is The One Show Reporters.

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The One Show! Sleek. Sexy. And... Oh, that spoiled it. Don't worry

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Michelle. We will cut that bit out. Well that is all we have time for

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for tonight. All that remains to be said is a very special thank you to

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our One Show reporters, there they are. Thanks to Ewan, Alex, to

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Michelle who I think it is safe to say hasn't mastered the unicycle and

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to Dom for that special report on taking the sting out of bee keeping

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in the Home Counties. My pleasure. Guy, before you go, got brilliant

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news for you, OK, you have been asked to perform on Let's Sing and

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Dance for Comic Relief. Amazing. The crew are delighted. We have some

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information for you. You need the follow, Ewan, four pounds of streaky

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bacon and 3 gammon steaks. On it. Alex can you get your hands on an

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old fashioned telephone. Michelle. Four dozen cuddly toys, frogs,

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previously. You need red tape. And Dom ark roll of hazard tape.

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Consider it done. Best of luck with it.

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What do we do with these? Wear them? Wear them!

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Performing Lady Gaga's Born This Way -

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# She rolled my hair and put my lipstick on

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# There's nothing wrong with loving who you are

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# She said, "'Cause he made you perfect, babe"

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# "So hold your head up girl and you'll go far,

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# I'm on the right track, baby, I was born this way

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# I was born this way

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# Right track baby, I was born this way

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# You're black, white, beige, chola descent

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# Left you outcast, bullied or teased

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# 'Cause baby you were born this way

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# I'm on the right track, baby, I was born this way

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# Baby I was born this way

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# Right track, baby, I was born this way

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE .

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Oh! Oh! Brilliant. 11 different types of madness. Look at you and

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sausages and chops. Can I just say your choice of outfit Ewan could not

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be rasher. It really... Look at his plates of meat there. You must be

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knackered. That was a hell of a festival. Very strong work. A

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terrible experience up there with the straps. Quite grippy. I think I

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have torn a hole! We will go to the judges now. Julian, do you think we

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have found our next Super Bowl performance? They are scary close up

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and bizarre and I, I think people watching the show maybe to see

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well-known people do something out of their come fofrt zone and attempt

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to retain a scrap of dignity. I think you managed that. Tam can, was

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that a one show wonder or have they go got to take it forward? I think

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they broke the mould, man, this is a unique piece, this is something that

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I like you at home to just donate, because after that performance, you

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have to pick up the phone guys. Phone, guys. Well done.

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APPLAUSE Well done guys.

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Can I ask if you went Gaga for that lot? I did. I am speaking with a red

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nose on. That is a commitment to Comic Relief. Commitment to outfits

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to dancing, to the whole thing, I literally can't speak with this on.

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It was brilliant. I loved it. Thank you for doing it to Comic Relief.

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Amazing. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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With The One Show reporters, you will need to reach for the telephone

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and vote for them. The performance artists, thank you please join all

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the other people on the posh seats. Just saw Ewan's silverside there. Up

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next a magical duo hoping to make the rest of the competition

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disappear. Say how do to Pete Firman and his glamorous assistant Ellie

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Taylor. Ellie Taylor.

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Pete Firman. Comedy magic.

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Two worlds collide. I didn't mean literally guys.

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Pete and I have been put together for Let's Sing and Dance for Comic

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Relief and I cannot tell you how excited I am.

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For me Pete is the best magician to ever grace this land.

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He just has it all. He has pizazz. He has style. He has a bit more

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pizazz. He is the man. I think I might be a bit star struck when I

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meet him, because guess who is going to be his glamorous assistant. This

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guy. Today we begin our rehearsals. I can't wait. Hello Pete. Good

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evening Ellie. So nice to meet you. A of course it is. Before we start

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can we do some spells. Can I stop you there. These aren't spells.

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These are illusions and some take decades and decades of rehearsal and

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practise, you can't go waveling your wand round. Just one Tynely

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illusion. I don't think so. Please, please, just one, one tiny illusion.

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I don't think so. A little tiny one, just one tiny one. Go on, it will be

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good. Steady. Abra cad bra. Don't worry, hocus pocus.

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You just wouldn't listen would you? Sorry...

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Performing Little Mix's Black Magic -

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# Is your lover playing on your side?

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# All the girls on the block knockin' at my door

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# Wanna know what it is make the boys want more

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# And it's called, and it's called, and it's called black magic

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Oh, Pete and Ellie! Gang, listen, singing and dancing

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and magic. And extra women coming out of baskets. So many women! Have

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we left a long enough pause? So, first of all, Miranda, what would

0:31:480:31:52

the Magic Circle make of that? Let's sing and do magic for Comic Relief,

0:31:530:31:56

amazing. Could it be magic? Yes, it could. Do you see...

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APPLAUSE Stop it! Amazing. To be able to sing

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and do all of that concentrating, as well. Multitasking, amazing.

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Jennifer, did they cast a spell on you? They did, yes. That was very

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brilliant. You probably were singing and dancing at the same time but I

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end up being annoyed that I don't know where they came from, those

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women. Where did they come from? You can't say. Women in a basket. I

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respect your oath. Julian, finally, Hocus Pocus or Hocus Bogus. Well, my

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magic circle was... Our job is done. That's another circle we can't

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reveal details about. If you thought wonderful Pete and Ellie pulled it

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out of the bag all the details are at the bottom of the screen. Or are

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they? Yes, they are. Don't vote yet as the voting isn't open and it will

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ruin the magic for everyone. Put your hands together a bit faster for

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Pete and Ellie. Off you go to the posh seats.

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Where is this going? Hello, sailor.

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Our final act this evening... I can hear the ball joint creak! Our final

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act this evening has come all the way from Mount Pleasant. She went

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past the Hatfield gallery if you are interested. She's making her way to

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our hydraulic floor lift, it's Sally Lindsay! .

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Sally Lindsay! Set that woman loose! She will be fine. It's Monday

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morning and actress Sally Lindsay arrives for filming of her TV show,

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Mount Pleasant. Derek, how is that lovely wife of yours? I am not

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actually married, madam! Of course you are not! My name's Robert,

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madam. I know it says number one on my dressing room door but I am one

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of the team, we are all mates. I keep it real. One big happy family.

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Morning! Hi! I am a make-up artist's dream

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actually, very soft, very smooth skin. Not like the other members of

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cast. I mean, I hardly need any make-up at all. In fact there's not

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many actresses who are this wrinkle-free at the age of 34.

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I know it's comedy, but I intend to take my performance on Let's Sing

0:35:060:35:09

and Dance for Comic Relief very seriously. I see it as a gift to my

0:35:100:35:22

public. Argh! Bobby! Go for a drink if you want.

0:35:230:35:29

Yeah. Performing Slade's Cum

0:35:300:35:33

On Feel the Noize - # So you think I got an evil mind,

0:35:340:35:35

well I'll tell you honey # So you think my singing's out

0:35:360:35:53

of time, well it makes me money # So you say I got a funny face

0:35:540:36:08

I ain't got no worries APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:36:090:37:57

Noddy! Come on, Noddy. Come on, downing it. Look at that windmill.

0:37:580:38:07

Well done. They're still alive. Now... What was

0:38:080:38:10

all that about? That was magnificent. Is this something you

0:38:110:38:14

would wear on a quiet night in, would you consider that outfit at

0:38:150:38:20

any point? You look so pleased with yourself. You were channelling

0:38:210:38:27

Noddy, weren't you? What a bizarre evening we have all had. Stranger

0:38:280:38:32

and stranger. It's like we are all in a dream. Tameka, glam rock or

0:38:330:38:40

glam shock? It's a bit of both. Sally, you left the building and

0:38:410:38:47

this is what was left. Talk about just going for it. You really went

0:38:480:38:54

for it and I was there. Was that a potential Glastonbury headliner,

0:38:550:38:58

Jennifer? Yeah, that's my era, totally. Somewhere between Noddy and

0:38:590:39:06

a Diddy man. Keep that suit. That's not coming off. It was brilliant.

0:39:070:39:12

People have wondered what Noddy Holder might make of this, Sally. We

0:39:130:39:23

asked him. Well done, Sal! You are now a fully qualified rock chick.

0:39:240:39:27

So, keep on rocking! Get her on the phone, I want to do a duet.

0:39:280:39:37

You look more like Noddy Holder than he does. Panel, thank you so much.

0:39:380:39:47

If Sally Slade the rest of the competition and had you Noddying

0:39:480:39:52

your head to the beat, all the details are on the screen. But

0:39:530:39:56

remember voting isn't open yet. Thank you, head over to the posh

0:39:570:40:04

seats. That's it. All our star acts have performed. Look at them over

0:40:050:40:09

there. It's like a cautionary tale for children wanting to go into show

0:40:100:40:15

business right there. Jennifer, presiding over the panel like a lady

0:40:160:40:21

Len Goodman or should I say Jen Goodman. Could you give us a summary

0:40:220:40:27

of tonight's events, please. Total comedy madness with a bit of

0:40:280:40:30

dancing. I loved it. They were so brilliant, all of them. So strong.

0:40:310:40:36

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Very strong. As always it's your

0:40:370:40:42

vote at home that really counts. With two places left in the final

0:40:430:40:47

there is only one thing to do... Voting is now open!

0:40:480:40:54

# Call me... Right. The reading glasses are on

0:40:550:41:18

and the blank sheets of paper are in hand. Good evening. Welcome to fake

0:41:190:41:22

news. You are not Hugh Edwards. Fake. There is nothing about you

0:41:230:41:27

that says George Aligah. Fake. If you would like to vote for tonight's

0:41:280:41:31

winner calls cost 15p plus any network access charge. Validated but

0:41:320:41:36

be sure to get the bill payer's permission before you call. You can

0:41:370:41:44

vote online for free. At bbc.co.uk/Red Nose Day. The vote

0:41:450:41:47

closes in approximately 13 minutes, so the Russians told me. I would get

0:41:480:41:52

to it if I were you. Don't vote if you are watching on demand, well,

0:41:530:41:56

you know, that's in the past. Excuse me, news just in from our

0:41:570:42:02

entertainment correspondent, we just hired him, George Osbourne, ladies

0:42:030:42:10

and gentlemen. Satirical! Now, breaking entertainment news, sting

0:42:110:42:15

has lost his favourite album. He has asked The Police to check their

0:42:160:42:20

records. Time for that quick reminder of tonight's stunning

0:42:210:42:25

performances and those all-important numbers. Three, two, one...

0:42:260:44:00

APPLAUSE So, that's all the details you need.

0:44:010:44:07

So you know what to do. Vote, what are you waiting for? While our

0:44:080:44:10

performers whip off back stage to nick the free stuff from their

0:44:110:44:16

dressing rooms, by the way my waistband is studded with mini

0:44:170:44:21

Twixes right now. Here's a reminder of why we are here. That's to raise

0:44:220:44:24

money for the brilliant Comic Relief. Here's a film from Sara Cox

0:44:250:44:33

on the orphaned children she met in Kenya. Godfrey is ten. He recently

0:44:340:44:41

lost his mum. His brother leaves to find work each day and he is left

0:44:420:44:47

alone. Lorner, a community volunteer funded by your donations knows just

0:44:480:44:57

how hard it's been for Godfrey. It's very painful, after their mum died

0:44:580:45:03

he is shy. Lorner visits Godfrey and supports him as much as she can. Can

0:45:040:45:05

I ask you about your mummy. You are such a brave boy. He's

0:45:060:45:23

definitely grieving. He is definitely still grieving for his

0:45:240:45:26

mum but he is ten, he doesn't know how to handle grieve. The only

0:45:270:45:31

support that they have is through Lorner coming around. You just want

0:45:320:45:34

to keep hugging that woman because she's amazing. I then discovered

0:45:350:45:41

that after losing both parents Godfrey's house had burned down. Are

0:45:420:45:51

they your shoes, Godfrey. If it wasn't for you helping people

0:45:520:45:57

like Lorner I don't know what would happen to such a sweet smart little

0:45:580:46:04

boy like that. So... You know, and there's so many boys like that, he

0:46:050:46:09

is not by himself. There's so many families who are like this. That,

0:46:100:46:15

you know, we have just got to try and help. Give whatever you can

0:46:160:46:20

give. We will be so grateful. And it will help people like Lorner to help

0:46:210:46:28

little boys like Godfrey. To give ?5 text Give to 70205 or to

0:46:290:46:34

give ?10 text Give to 70210. Thank you.

0:46:350:46:38

We are pleased to tell you that Lorner continues to visit Godfrey

0:46:390:46:41

and his brother at least three times a week

0:46:420:46:43

Godfrey has now also been enrolled in a support group

0:46:440:46:47

This is all possible thanks to your donations

0:46:480:46:53

That's right all it takes is a text and all the details you need

0:46:540:46:58

Please remember texts will cost your donation

0:46:590:47:01

plus your standard network message charge and 100% of your donation

0:47:020:47:04

You must be 16 or over and please ask the bill payer's permission.

0:47:050:47:12

For full terms and conditions and more information go

0:47:130:47:14

And Sara Cox will be joining us live to tell us

0:47:150:47:19

all about her 80's dance-a-thon - but first here with her new single

0:47:200:47:22

Ciao Adios please put your hands together for the brilliant

0:47:230:47:25

# Asked you once asked you twice now there's

0:47:260:47:38

# You say she's just a friend now then why don't we call her?

0:47:390:47:45

# So you wanna go home with someone to do all the things

0:47:460:47:48

# Used to take me out in your fancy car

0:47:490:47:53

until I hear her say your name don't know where you are

0:47:540:48:05

# Used to sing along when you played guitar

0:48:060:48:07

# Hope she treats you better than you treated me

0:48:080:48:10

# If you're giving all kissing and having fun

0:48:110:48:22

# I'm not gonna sit here wasting mine on you yeah you

0:48:230:48:27

# After three after four times why did I bother?

0:48:280:48:45

# Tell me how many more times does it take to get smarter

0:48:460:48:49

# Don't need to deny the hurt and the lies

0:48:500:48:52

# And all of the things you did to me I swear I know you did

0:48:530:48:57

# Now you take her out in your fancy car and make out in the rain

0:48:580:49:01

# And when she's ring you up she know where you are

0:49:020:49:04

# Now she sings along when you play guitar

0:49:050:49:08

# Hope you treat her better than you treated me

0:49:090:49:15

# I saw you with her kissing and having fun

0:49:160:49:24

# If you're giving all of your money and time

0:49:250:49:27

# I'm not gonna sit here wasting mine on you yeah you

0:49:280:49:29

# No you take her out in your fancy car and make out in the rain

0:49:300:49:47

# And when she's ring you up she know where you are

0:49:480:49:50

# Now she sings along when you play guitar

0:49:510:49:53

# Hope you treat her better than you treated me

0:49:540:50:00

# I saw you with her kissing and having fun

0:50:010:50:08

# If you're giving all of your money and time

0:50:090:50:13

# I'm not gonna sit here wasting mine on you yeah you

0:50:140:50:16

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE .

0:50:170:50:30

Now as you know, there are loads of ways to

0:50:310:50:33

fundraise for Comic Relief - our very own Miranda

0:50:340:50:36

undertook five days of mad cap challenges all to

0:50:370:50:38

raise money for this wonderful cause.

0:50:390:50:40

To tell us more about her challenge, please welcome Radio 2 DJ Sara Cox!

0:50:410:50:49

APPLAUSE Foxy. Come on. Hello. Hey girls.

0:50:500:51:05

Sorry I shouted. Not at all. That was a very powerful film that one. I

0:51:060:51:10

have never been over to Nairobi before and I have never done a film

0:51:110:51:13

for Comic Relief. You watch on your couch at home and you think that is

0:51:140:51:18

a different planet. Look at it, it seems far away from your own lives.

0:51:190:51:24

Goderie, looked round my phone, found the apps and you think he is

0:51:250:51:28

the same at my little boy at home. The same at our kids, he has been

0:51:290:51:33

born into this tough life, so yes, it was incredible. Coxy, tell us my

0:51:340:51:41

love, that was a firm slap. I might be injured and I can't dance for 24

0:51:420:51:47

hours. This is your challenge, what is going on?? My sounds of the '80s,

0:51:480:51:54

because I do an 80s show. I have to dance for 24 hours, Solidly? You

0:51:550:52:02

will hear it on Radio 2 and watch it on the Red Button, all the amazing

0:52:030:52:10

DJs, when they press it, you will see my dancing. Lots of live music

0:52:110:52:16

from the 80s. It will be incredible. When will it start? 9.30am, Monday

0:52:170:52:22

morning until 9.30 Tuesday morning. It starts in the morning. I know,

0:52:230:52:28

thank you for the ooh! You will have your disco boot boss on at 9am. How

0:52:290:52:36

will you get through the 4am slot? One word, two words. Trevor Nelson,

0:52:370:52:42

he will DJ for me. We are delighted you have joined us. Only one way we

0:52:430:52:47

can send you off. Get your pelvis into second gear, Sara Cox. I am

0:52:480:52:51

going to get you to put this headband on. Remind to the '80s.

0:52:520:52:57

# She's a maniac # Maniac on the floor

0:52:580:53:03

# And she dances like she's never danced before. #

0:53:040:53:14

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I cannot believe Sara will be in the

0:53:150:53:19

'80s for a whole 24 hours. We never left it. I miss the puff ball skirt.

0:53:200:53:26

I Miss My jaw line. While we fast forward back to the naughties it is

0:53:270:53:31

time to find out if the people of Blackpool... It is holding my

0:53:320:53:36

forehead in place. Very cheap and easy way of getting a face-lift.

0:53:370:53:43

Good. Time to find out if the people of Blackpool turned Craig Revel

0:53:440:53:44

Horwood's frown upside down. Don't suppose you do sea bass? You

0:53:450:54:02

will have my finest cod and chips and like them. A face like a wet

0:54:030:54:09

weekend. Cheer up, chuck, it's Blackpool.

0:54:100:54:15

# I must sound crazy what I'm about to say

0:54:160:54:29

# Sunshine's here you can take a break

0:54:300:54:35

# Like I don't care baby, by the way # Because I'm happy

0:54:360:54:39

# If you feel like a room without a roof

0:54:400:54:42

# Because I'm happy # Clap along if you feel like

0:54:430:54:46

happiness is a truth # Because I'm happy

0:54:470:54:50

# Clap along if you know what happiness is to you

0:54:510:54:53

# Because I'm happy # Clap along if you feel like that's

0:54:540:54:57

what you want to do. # # Give me all you got, no holding

0:54:580:55:10

back # Yeah

0:55:110:55:14

# I should probably warn you I'll be just fine

0:55:150:55:19

# Yeah # Don't waste your time

0:55:200:55:23

# Because I'm happy # Clap along if you feel like a room

0:55:240:55:28

without a roof # Because I'm happy

0:55:290:55:32

# Clap along if you feel like happiness is the truth

0:55:330:55:35

# Because I'm happy # Clap along if you know what

0:55:360:55:40

happiness is to you # Because I'm happy

0:55:410:55:44

# Clap along if you feel like that's what you want to do.

0:55:450:55:56

# Happy, happy, happy had been happy, happy, happy

0:55:570:56:11

# -- happy, happy, happy # Happy, happy, happy

0:56:120:56:17

# Because I'm happy. # CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:56:180:56:23

What did you think of that? Darling it was a dance disaster!

0:56:240:56:31

I am not going to lie. Slightly fancy Craig Revel Horwood. We are

0:56:320:56:39

crushing on him. As you saw during that film the vote is now closed.

0:56:400:56:44

Don't vote now but you may be charged. A vote isn't really closed

0:56:450:56:49

until Barbara Windsor says it is closed. The vote is now closed.

0:56:500:56:54

Coming up with have a very special performance from the hit West End

0:56:550:56:59

musical School of Rock, before that here is Emeli Sande's report.

0:57:000:57:04

And please be aware, that some viewers may find scenes

0:57:050:57:07

In this hospital 234 Uganda, children are dangerously ill because

0:57:080:57:13

they haven't been vaccinated against pneumonia.

0:57:140:57:20

Nurse Betty is on the front line. How often do you see cases of severe

0:57:210:57:31

pneumonia? Every day we see them. Five-month-old Joffrey's lungs are

0:57:320:57:33

filled with fluid and he is struggling to breathe We have to

0:57:340:57:40

give oxygen therapy, because of the resources that oxygen is being

0:57:410:57:44

shared using the same source, which was supposed to be used by one

0:57:450:57:49

patient. S sharing the same oxygen is Jeremiah, six months old.

0:57:500:57:54

Caroline ten months, and Mohammed two months.

0:57:550:58:00

Also suffering from pneumonia. I am kind of in shock as to the

0:58:010:58:07

conditions. Really just feel very angry that children were suffering

0:58:080:58:11

on this level. Almost needlessly. The more we can do to prevent

0:58:120:58:17

children from getting pneumonia, we should try to do that.

0:58:180:58:30

Joffrey wasn't vaccinated and his condition remains critical.

0:58:310:58:42

I am sorry to have to tell you this but he didn't survive. If he had

0:58:430:58:48

been vaccinated against pneumonia he would have had a better chance of

0:58:490:58:53

survival. This can't keep happening. Children can't keep dying needlessly

0:58:540:58:57

from conditions that can be prevented by vaccines that can cost

0:58:580:59:01

as little as ?5. Please, please, give what you can. This has to stop.

0:59:020:59:14

Thank you. To donate text the word give.

0:59:150:59:18

A very moving film there and with your help and donations

0:59:190:59:21

Comic Relief can continue to fund vital health projects in Africa

0:59:220:59:24

so that children can receive the life-saving vaccines

0:59:250:59:29

If you want to help then all the information you need

0:59:300:59:36

We know times are tight but please do give what you can,

0:59:370:59:45

every single donation can change lives

0:59:460:59:46

Now it's time for a very special performance direct

0:59:470:59:51

from the West End stage - singing and playing live, please hand

0:59:520:59:54

in your homework and put your hands together for the cast of the smash

0:59:550:59:58

Mew Sybil speaks to you and what is what matters most. You ever play

0:59:591:00:16

electric guitar. My dad thinks it a ea waste of time.

1:00:171:00:17

# Grab a hold of your axe and try to pluck out this riff

1:00:181:00:25

# Let your shoulders relax you don't wanna be so stiff

1:00:261:00:36

# Keep on going don't stop take it over the top

1:00:371:00:39

# Make each note really pop squeeze out every last drop

1:00:401:00:42

What's that big lumpy thing you are playing? The cello.

1:00:431:01:02

# Turn a cello this way and it's practically like a bass

1:01:031:01:13

# Pop the strings when you play and watch how you shred my face

1:01:141:01:19

# Keep on rockin' each note, grab it right by the throat

1:01:201:01:22

# Keep the rhythm afloat don't forget to emote

1:01:231:01:24

# If you play the piano you can play the keys

1:01:251:01:43

I only play classical. I don't think I can. Get over here.

1:01:441:01:51

# So just loosen it up and strut your expertise

1:01:521:01:53

# Take a look at this music and let your mind expand

1:01:541:01:56

All right, who's going to be my drummer? You play the cymbals!

1:01:571:02:11

# Sit your butt at the skins and try to whack out a beat

1:02:121:02:15

# Feel the groove in your pins then slowly turn up the heat

1:02:161:02:23

# With a rat-a-tat-tat on the bass and hi-hat

1:02:241:02:25

# Make it juicy and fat yes exactly like that

1:02:261:02:27

# I need a couple of roadies I need someone on tech

1:02:281:02:42

# It means I'm putting you in charge of the whole damn thing

1:02:431:03:02

That's it. Keep rocking. Rock it out.

1:03:031:03:30

# Now repeat after me, I pledge allegiance to the band

1:03:311:03:33

I promise to give Mr Schneebly full command

1:03:341:03:43

# And with me in control of the band as a whole

1:03:441:03:46

# We will rock and we'll roll with our heart and our soul

1:03:471:03:50

Oh, yeah! Now it's the moment you have all

1:03:511:04:25

been waiting for. Is Michael Portillo's Great Railway Journeys

1:04:261:04:31

on? Not quite. It's this. The results are in! Babs has said it, so

1:04:321:04:36

the results are in. Do you have the sparkly envelope of expectation? No,

1:04:371:04:51

I don't. I believe it's being delivered via the conga!

1:04:521:05:02

# Come on, shake your body, do the conga...

1:05:031:05:13

Gosh! Now, with the results in hand it's time to welcome back our five

1:05:141:05:21

star acts. Alison Hammond. Steph and Dom.

1:05:221:05:34

The One Show Reporters. Pete and Ellie. And Sally Lindsay.

1:05:351:05:54

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING If you have just tuned in, no your

1:05:551:05:58

meds haven't kicked in a gear. Tonight five star acts sang and

1:05:591:06:02

danced for you but only two can go through. I know you know this, I am

1:06:031:06:07

recapping for Melanie. The act with the highest number of viewers votes

1:06:081:06:10

will have a guaranteed place in the grand final. The second and third

1:06:111:06:13

will face the panel who will choose their favourite. That's why they're

1:06:141:06:18

here, Melanie. Oh! Time to cue the low, dramatic lighting.

1:06:191:06:24

It's too dark! I am scared. It's just your excuse to touch me, stop

1:06:251:06:29

it! Where are we, it's too dark! One of the many reasons Mel didn't get

1:06:301:06:38

into drama school. For a moment there I thought they'd moved BBC One

1:06:391:06:43

online. Thanks, Jennifer. The great British public, that's you, have

1:06:441:06:47

spoken. We can reveal the top three in the viewer vote. In no particular

1:06:481:06:50

order... There was no money for animation, so I have to do this for

1:06:511:06:55

a bit. In no particular order... Let me see, as well. The first act is...

1:06:561:07:04

Can't see. There we go. Sally Lindsay.

1:07:051:07:11

APPLAUSE Well done, Sal. Also in the top

1:07:121:07:26

three is... The One Show Reporters. APPLAUSE

1:07:271:07:34

Thank you. Thank you. And, finally, in the top three

1:07:351:07:44

it's... Alison Hammond!

1:07:451:07:55

APPLAUSE So, sadly, that means we need to say

1:07:561:08:01

goodbye to Steph and Dom, and Pete and Ellie, you have been

1:08:021:08:05

magnificent. Off to the posh seats, my darling. Well done.

1:08:061:08:12

Right, simmer down, team. We will now reveal the winner of the public

1:08:131:08:16

vote, the fate of the other two is in the hands of our panel. The

1:08:171:08:22

winner of tonight's... The audience are committing, I like to hear that,

1:08:231:08:28

the winner of tonight's Let's Sing and Dance for Comic Relief is...

1:08:291:08:43

The One Show Reporters! Congratulations, The One Show

1:08:441:08:49

Reporters. Well done guys. Gang, cling very

1:08:501:08:59

close. Well done to you. It's building there. The heat that's

1:09:001:09:02

building in that outfit, extraordinary. Guys, were you

1:09:031:09:07

expecting this? We weren't expecting it at all! We have to do that again!

1:09:081:09:18

O, yes. You need to get right up on that harness, my darling. Your

1:09:191:09:21

gusset awaits. We look forward to seeing you all again in the final.

1:09:221:09:25

Off you go and prepare for your winners' performance. Well done

1:09:261:09:36

guys. Oh, Lindsay, Hammond. Come on, my darling. Come on gang. Now this

1:09:371:09:40

means there is just one place left in the grand final. Who will join

1:09:411:09:45

The One Show Reporters? Will it be Alison Hammond or Sally Lindsay?

1:09:461:09:50

It's all down to the panel to decide before they do, here is reminder of

1:09:511:09:52

their cracking performances. # People sing around

1:09:531:10:09

# People gather around # People jump around...

1:10:101:10:22

# Well, I tell you honey # I don't know why

1:10:231:10:30

# No, I don't know why...

1:10:311:10:33

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Right, this is a tough one. This is

1:10:341:10:41

a really, really tough one. So who is it going to be guys? Alison or

1:10:421:10:49

Sally? Awesome foursome, we are going to need one name. I think that

1:10:501:10:54

was a cry for help there! The medical team will be with you

1:10:551:11:00

soon, sir. Miranda, one name and your reason for that name

1:11:011:11:06

forthwithly. These women are fantastic and amazing time and

1:11:071:11:09

energy they've given and watching those appeal films earlier, that's

1:11:101:11:12

why we are here. We are also here for the entertainment and playing

1:11:131:11:16

this game and so I am going to go for... She came out first, she

1:11:171:11:19

rocked it, she freaked. For me it's Alison!

1:11:201:11:29

All right, Tameka. Impossible choice, brilliant. This is the

1:11:301:11:32

hardest choice the panel have had to make. I need one name and your

1:11:331:11:37

reason, please, darling. Oh, I don't like doing this bit because I want

1:11:381:11:42

to put you both in. Oh, both performers were excellent. There was

1:11:431:11:48

no apology, you came out, you smashed it. Do me a favour... We

1:11:491:11:55

need a name, Tameka. In three seconds. Alison... Sorry! You can't

1:11:561:12:06

have two, just one. Come on. I can't do it. Do me a favour. Come on,

1:12:071:12:12

love. Contractually, you must. OK, OK. Alison.

1:12:131:12:20

This is getting interesting. Two for Alison. Julian, who are you going to

1:12:211:12:24

put three and why, quite quickly, Julian. I have also lost the power

1:12:251:12:29

of speech. I love you both. I am going to go for the person that

1:12:301:12:37

surprised me most which was Sally. Jennifer. This means the decision

1:12:381:12:41

lies with you. I say that, whatever you decide it will probably be a

1:12:421:12:45

tie-break or we will see. What happens if it's a tie-break. Leave

1:12:461:12:49

that... Hopefully somebody in here will tell me what to do like they

1:12:501:12:55

always do. Like they always do in everything. A name, please, my love.

1:12:561:13:02

I am going to go with Sally for the mutton chops alone. It's a

1:13:031:13:08

tie-break! Jennifer, we look well. Now we go to

1:13:091:13:17

the swimwear round. Panel, I hate to say this you have

1:13:181:13:19

been utterly useless and you have not managed to reach a majority

1:13:201:13:22

decision. Two votes each. We are going to go back to the viewers'

1:13:231:13:26

votes to decide the winner. That's the best way. The act with the most

1:13:271:13:33

viewer votes and heading through to the grand final is... I can't bear

1:13:341:13:37

the tension! I am going to brace myself. I can't

1:13:381:13:40

bear it! Bracing. Bracing.

1:13:411:13:50

Bracing. Alison Hammond!

1:13:511:14:06

Well done. You were amazing. Massive congrats to Alison. Sadly, it's

1:14:071:14:10

goodbye to our lovely Sally Lindsay. Sally! Extraordinary. Let's hear it

1:14:111:14:14

for all our abilities tonight, please. They all gave their time.

1:14:151:14:23

See you next week, darling. It's been another phenomenal night

1:14:241:14:26

of song and dance. It's a massive thanks to all our incredible star

1:14:271:14:29

andings and our fantastic panel. We are back for the grand final next

1:14:301:14:33

Saturday at 6. 3535pm with six fabulous finalists, you will not

1:14:341:14:36

want to miss it. For now we will leave you with your winner tonight,

1:14:371:14:38

it's The One Show Reporters! # She rolled my hair

1:14:391:14:54

and put my lipstick on # There's nothing wrong

1:14:551:15:02

with loving who you are # She said, "'Cause he made

1:15:031:15:12

you perfect, babe" # "So hold your head up

1:15:131:15:15

girl and you'll go far, # I'm on the right track, baby,

1:15:161:15:19

I was born this way # We could change this whole world

1:15:201:15:29

with a piano Stop! Stop! I said

1:15:301:15:47

a little bit of your guitar. Just...

1:15:481:15:53

Mel Giedroyc and Sue Perkins host as five celebrity acts sing and dance to iconic pop tracks, all in aid of Comic Relief. In each episode, two acts are put through to the grand finale, where viewers will vote for their champion.

Joining Mel and Sue are Gogglebox's Steph and Dom, This Morning's Alison Hammond, magician Pete Firman and comedian Ellie Taylor, actress Sally Lindsay and the presenters of The One Show.

Jennifer Saunders, Julian Clary, Miranda Hart and Tameka Epson are on the judging panel, and there are appearances from Craig Revel Horwood and Sara Cox. Plus music from Brit Award nominee Anne-Marie.