Episode 8 Snog Marry Avoid?


Episode 8

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# Where are my pop stars? We are the hipsters... #

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Welcome to the dark side.

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# We're gonna party like we're rock stars

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# We're as good as they come... #

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Welcome to Snog, Marry, Avoid, the show that sets out to break the bad beauty habits of the nation,

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so if you're stuck on slap, hooked on hair extensions or addicted to add-ons of any kind, listen up.

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Fakery can take a hike because we're here to reveal the naturally beautiful you,

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courtesy of the world's one and only make-under device.

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You know what time it is. It's POD time.

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Hello, POD. What's wrong? Feeling a little lonely today?

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It's hard being the world's one and only make-under computer. That's the trouble. You're one of a kind.

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-Have you ever thought about computer dating?

-I once went on a blind date with a portable touch-screen device.

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-Did it go well?

-No, too much touching.

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-Did he try to infiltrate your database?

-There'll be none of that. I keep my hard drive to myself.

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Oh, POD! You might like to know that there's two very handsome young men on today's show. Interested?

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Tell me more!

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Coming up, POD tries to get the guys from Dirty Sanchez

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to clean up their act.

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I'd describe my style as quite flamboyant. Everyone thinks, "What the hell is that?"

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We meet a would-be air hostess about to come in for a very bumpy landing.

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If you toned everything down, we'd have a look at you.

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And forget Twilight, we've got the real deal -

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a vampire called...Carol?

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Some people like us. Other people see us as freaks.

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So, POD, ready to take off?

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I'm refuelled and ready to go.

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Fasten your seatbelts because this could get bumpy.

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Hi, I'm Alex from South Shields and I'm just so much badder than you.

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I'm a bad girl with a passion for pink.

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When I go out, I want some of the attention to be on me,

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but most of the time it's on her

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and it gets annoying when she gets all the boys.

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My ambition in life is to become an air hostess for a big, fancy airline.

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I hope she achieves that ambition as an air hostess.

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It's all she talks about.

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I want to strut about in my sexy outfit and push my little trolley about.

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Hi. I've come to be an air hostess.

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'I love everything about myself.'

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The fake hair, the fake nails, the fake eyelashes, the fake tan.

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My boobs are real, which you wouldn't think.

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I love my legs. I love my face.

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I love my arms and my hands. I like my feet as well. I love everything about us.

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We'll start from the top. You really need to tone that hair down.

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Lashes, remove those.

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Pink lipstick, no, far too bright. You need to cover up a bit as well.

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And as for the footwear, let's have a look.

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-If you toned everything down, come back, maybe we'd have a look at you.

-OK, I'll take your advice.

-Sorry.

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# Pack up, let's fly away... #

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So, POD, I challenge you to dress me down, so I can go up.

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-Hello, gorgeous. How are you today?

-I'm fine.

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This is a very lovely pink outfit. Not much of it, though.

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This is my tiara because I'm a princess and everyone should treat us like a princess.

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My hair is really thick. I've got so many extensions. Loads and loads.

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Same with my little knickers. I've got my fishnet tights on.

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And my shoesies, which I love.

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What sort of reactions do you get when you go out dressed like this?

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Everyone looks at us and everyone stares and like twists their neck just to look at us.

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It's cos I'm fabulous.

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You want to be a flight attendant and you've been told that you're too brown.

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Yeah, I want POD to tone us down a bit,

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so when I leave, I can hopefully go and apply for some airlines.

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Right, Alex, I wish you good luck in POD now. Take Barbie for some back-up.

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And I'll see you on the other side.

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I am POD, the Personal Overhaul Device. Who are you?

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I'm Alex.

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How long does it take to put ALL those clothes on?

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-Two days.

-For a bikini and fishnets? There must be a lot of fakery involved.

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My hair is fake, my eyelashes are fake.

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My nails are fake. These boobs are actually real. Can you believe it?

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Well, seeing is believing, I suppose. Who do you base your style on?

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Um... Who do I like?

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Paris Hilton.

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Jodie Marsh, Katie Price.

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Pretty blondes, big boobs.

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-What a shocker(!)

-Oh, Barbie as well.

-You don't say! What do you want to be when you grow up?

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-I want to become an air hostess.

-I wonder what's stopping you?

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My hair and my make-up and my tan. Basically, I'm stopping myself!

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-What's the problem?

-Maybe I'd just intimidate passengers.

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-Like who?

-Like ugly girls who are, like, sat with their boyfriend.

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Yes, that would be a problem(!) OK, let's pretend we're in an interview.

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Why do you think you'd make a good air hostess?

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I'd be a good air hostess

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because I can do a sexy strut down the aisle.

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And I give really good customer service. I can talk to people. I look really approachable.

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-Who wouldn't want to fly with me?

-Anyone not wearing a straitjacket.

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Talking about jackets, now for the practical part of the interview. Go for it, Alex.

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The exits are located straight in front of you.

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The... The, um...

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-Oxygen?

-The oxygen, the oxygen.

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-Aren't you supposed to put that over your head?

-My hair's too big. I don't want to ruin it.

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God forbid your hair gets mussed when you're plummeting from the sky! Continue.

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Tug sharply on here for more...

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Um, "inflatation". "Inflatation?" Inflate...thing?

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-Where's my whistle? Why have I got two?

-Thanks. I feel a lot safer now(!)

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Let's find out what the general public makes of your look. Phase one - public analysis.

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I asked the public if they would snog, marry or avoid you.

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-What do you think they said?

-Snog.

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-Play.

-Avoid, I'm afraid. She just looks a bit kind of cheap.

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Oh, my God! As if!

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I think I would avoid her.

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She is probably more brown than I would ever like to think.

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Ooh!

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I think that I would avoid her.

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Oh, no.

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Are you ready for POD's verdict?

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Um... Go on then.

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Alex, with your trailer trash Barbie look, you are definitely not a high-flyer.

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You are going to have my "economy cabin to first class" make-under.

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OK, POD, go for it.

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First, it's phase two - deep cleanse.

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Remove all your excess baggage.

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Here you go.

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Ow!

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-Oh, it took everything off!

-Well, that is the point.

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Now, are you ready for take-off?

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-Run the make-under in three, two, one...

-No!

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God, I just look so... I just look so fresh and so like...

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It's like I've just got out the shower.

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-Would they take you more seriously as an air hostess?

-Definitely.

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-Do you like this look?

-I'm getting more used to it, the more I look at myself. It's just...

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You've done a really good job, POD.

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-Would you like to know what the public thinks of you looking like this?

-Oh, my God! OK, yeah.

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-Play.

-I'd snog that girl, yes. She looks very pretty.

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Oh, my God! All right.

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I'd marry that girl because she looks pretty sensible and down to earth and really pretty.

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God!

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Oh, that's really nice.

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I'd snog her because she looks pretty fresh.

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In fact, 100% of the public now want to either snog or marry you.

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-I hope you enjoyed being made under.

-Yeah, it's been really, really fun.

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Good luck with your career. I hope you're flying high soon.

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-Bye.

-Bye.

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Yeah, I'm really excited to see her. I've waited all day and it should be fun.

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I'm really looking forward to seeing Jack. I'm dying to know what he's going to say.

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POD's done a really good job.

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Hi!

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You look amazing.

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-Tell us what happened.

-Oh, God, it's going to take some getting used to.

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-The hair's what I was mostly worried about.

-What did you think immediately after?

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I was really like shocked, speechless.

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-Do you like it?

-I love it.

-I was worried about what you would think,

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-if you wanted to be seen with us or not.

-I'm not embarrassed any more.

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-So do you think it'll help with your career?

-Yeah, definitely. Do you not?

-Yeah.

-I do.

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-Here's to the new me.

-Cheers.

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I thought Alex's look was a soaring success, but will she come in for a bumpy landing? Find out later.

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I've been combing the country for the best hair tips and these ones made the cut.

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If you get hair dye on your face,

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remove it with toothpaste or nail varnish remover.

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For frizzy hair, put conditioner on, wrap it in a towel for a few minutes.

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Heat helps penetrate the hair.

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If you've got blonde hair and you want it lighter,

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you can use lemon juice, but just don't use too much

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cos it'll smell like pancakes!

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Don't believe that tale of having to brush your hair 100 times a night.

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It'll only give you a sore arm and greasy hair.

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Next up are two guys who are used to taking on pretty horrible challenges.

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They've even had their bare bums dragged across sandpaper,

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but that is nothing. Just wait till they meet our POD. Oh!

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-Hi, I'm Pritchard. I'm good at being bad.

-I'm Dainton and I'm bad at being good.

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-We're from Dirty Sanchez. Grr!

-Grr!

-Miaow!

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My name is Pritchard. I'm from Dirty Sanchez.

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And I'm a TV idiot.

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I'm Dainton. I'm from Dirty Sanchez and I'm also a TV idiot.

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The worst thing I've done is sew my mouth shut. It'd be good for this show!

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My mission in life is to enjoy myself as much as possible. Life's short. Make the most of it.

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My motto is, "Sleep when you're dead."

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One day you're there, the next day, you're not there.

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-BLEEP

-Oh, I can't even say that!

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We're both skateboarders. We've been skateboarding for 22 years.

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We do stupid things like snorting mustard, getting run over by cars.

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-And various other stupid things.

-We've got the Willy Wonka golden tickets for life.

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-We just get paid to...

-BLEEP

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I'd describe my style as quite flamboyant, fun, "look at me"...

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# Oh, daffodil... # No, that's Welsh.

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If everyone looks at me and thinks, "What the hell is that," then it's working.

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The other night, he wore Speedos and a fur coat.

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I'm looking forward to going into the POD.

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I'll be interested to hear what the POD's got to say about me and Dainton,

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but if they were to dress me up like a Gok Wan man bag thing...

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I know I'm flamboyant, but that's a different story.

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This is probably the biggest stunt we've ever done.

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We're good at being idiots, but getting dressed up, we're nervous.

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-What are they going to do to Matt Pritchard?

-There's only one way to find out.

-Press that POD button.

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ROARING

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-Hello, chaps. How are you?

-Yay, Jenny!

-Good, thanks.

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-Talk me through your outfits from top to toe.

-Bandana. Sunglasses, mirrored.

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Leather jacket, tassels. Normal, plain vest. Zebra trousers, stand out from the crowd.

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Cowboy boots and a nice, sparkly gun belt.

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I pretend to look scruffy, but on the inside, I'm trying to be cool.

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-How do you feel about meeting POD?

-I'm looking forward to it.

-I'm a POD virgin. I can't wait to find out.

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-You don't know what the story with POD is?

-No.

-You're in for a treat.

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You two lovely men, good luck in POD. See you on the other side when you're gorgeous, suited and booted.

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Atchoo!

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I am POD, the world's one and only make-under device. Who are you?

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-Dirty Sanchez.

-Dirty what?

-Dirty Sandwiches.

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-Want one?

-Certainly not. POD suspects those hands have been in some very unusual places.

-Right.

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-Are you dirty boys?

-Mucky, filthy, smelly, stinking.

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-What is it that you do?

-We do stupid things to one another, play pranks, skateboard, have fun.

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-What kind of pranks?

-Pritchard thought he was in the Guinness Book of Records for the most paintballs.

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103 paintballs to the body!

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I did it and then two weeks later I found out it was a wind up. I was gutted.

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-That sounds painful.

-I looked like a diseased man, but it was funny.

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-So you both like to act and dress like teenagers.

-POD, what is

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the usual dress sense for a pair of guys in their 30s?

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-You will soon be finding out.

-Oh, boy.

-POD can see the two of you are very handsome.

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I'm failing to compute why you would want to dress like slackers.

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Ooh, you bitch!

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-Do you kiss your mum with that mouth?

-Yes, POD.

-Hmm.

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Where do you get your clothes from?

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I live near the tip. Who knows?

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-Pritchard, how about you?

-Various places all over the world.

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-For example?

-I've got this jacket from Vegas,

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I got the trousers from Australia,

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I got my boots from Phoenix

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and the rest of it... from Cardiff.

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And your style from Hell. But once you looked like little angels.

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Aah!

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Ohh!

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-Ohh.

-My mother would be proud.

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-You're Damien bloody Omen.

-We haven't changed.

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-You can still see us in us. I had a massive cold sore on my lip.

-Did you?

-Yeah.

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You've kept your boyish good looks, but you don't know how to dress in order to show them off.

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-Shall we find out what the public think?

-Yes, please!

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We asked if they wanted to snog, marry or avoid you? What do you think they said?

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-Avoid?

-Avoid.

-Play.

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'I'd avoid them because they're too muscly, look pretty aggressive.

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'Like they've been on steroids.'

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Massive!

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Steroids? That's a good one.

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-'If you take them as a pair, I might have to pass.'

-She doesn't know what she's missing out on.

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Of all the people we asked, 5% said they'd marry you, 10% snog,

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but a resounding 85% said they'd avoid you.

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Well, that's their opinion, isn't it? Nothing we can say about it.

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POD also asked the public if they would feed you a three-course meal, a doner kebab or to the lions.

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-What do you think they said?

-To the lions!

-To the lions!

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To the lions. PRITCHARD FARTS

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What on earth have you been eating?! Play.

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'A doner kebab. Cos they look cheap.

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'To the lions I would probably feed them to.'

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25% would feed you a 3-course meal,

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60% said a doner kebab and the other 15% would feed you to the lions.

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-We've got a couple of fans out there, then.

-Yeah.

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-Are you ready for my verdict?

-Yes, POD.

-Dirty Sanchez are in need of a good scrub.

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POD will clean up your act.

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-Go ahead. Let's do it.

-POD me up.

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Right. Phase 2 - Deep Cleanse.

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Please remove all those ridiculous accessories and put on your deep cleanse uniforms.

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-Dainton, please could you centralise your knot?

-I was trying to keep it street.

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-Are you ready to meet the new, cleaner, smarter Dirty Sanchez?

-Oh, POD, we're loving it!

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-I can't wait!

-Run the make-under.

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In three, two, one.

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Well? What do you think?

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-I look like my dad!

-Is that a good or bad thing?

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-I think we should go out like this.

-You should...

-See if we can pull some chicks.

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Do you remember what the women thought of your look before?

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"Off you go, up the road. Avoid."

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Let's find out what they think now. Play.

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'I'd definitely have a cheeky snog with them. They look like nice lads, like a laugh. Yeah, I like them.'

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Would have been her lucky day.

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'They look like cheeky chappies for a snog.

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'I don't think I'd marry them. They look a bit too boisterous.'

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In fact, of all the people we asked, a massive 70% want to snog and marry you both.

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Yes!

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But, of course, for two Welsh boys there's only one woman whose opinion really matters - your mother.

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I think my mum would be stoked. I've finally sorted it out.

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POD computes if your mum is happy then it's been a real success.

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-You'd best run along and show her. I'd hate to make you late for your tea. Goodbye, boys.

-Bye!

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ROAR

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We're about to go and see our tour manager.

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He'll be IN the clothes, but he won't want to be in them.

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It's weird. I feel completely changed from the person I was

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into this gent, this man with manners.

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Chalk and cheese, I'm feeling. Let's see it.

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'When we go in and they see what we look like,

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'they'll look at us and laugh.'

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Hello, boys.

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Very nice. < Yeah?

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Do you want a piece of me now? They're like Ant and Dec.

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-Snog, Marry, Avoid changed our lives.

-Would you snog, marry or avoid us?

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No, I know where you've been!

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Has POD done a good job on these two? I'd give it 50/50. Dainton scrubbed up nicely.

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Matthew, I think she's taken his soul away slightly.

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He's very...flamboyant.

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POD, it's been emotional. We didn't get it on,

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but one day in cyberspace...

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I'm gonna kill you.

0:21:170:21:19

Boys, this is to our new look.

0:21:190:21:22

-Best of luck.

-Cheers.

0:21:230:21:25

The Dirty Sanchez boys looked lovely. Very clean-cut indeed.

0:21:270:21:31

But will they revert back? We'll find out later.

0:21:310:21:35

They look like they've had a late night or two, but what to do with more bags than Heathrow Airport?

0:21:350:21:41

Well, you're about to find out.

0:21:410:21:44

We've all heard the old trick to get rid of bags with haemorrhoid cream,

0:21:470:21:52

but what if you haven't got any handy? No problem.

0:21:520:21:56

All you need is a raw potato and a cheese grater.

0:21:560:22:00

All you do is grate the raw potato. Now it has to be raw because a raw potato is full of enzymes

0:22:000:22:07

and that's what gets rid of the bags. So grate the potato into the bowl, like so.

0:22:070:22:14

Then you get the potato and pop it into a little cloth.

0:22:150:22:20

It needs to be nice and thin.

0:22:200:22:23

Make a little potato parcel.

0:22:230:22:25

Now all there is to do is go and sit back and relax on the sofa for 20 minutes or so.

0:22:250:22:32

Well, 20 minutes have passed so let's see if my bags have reduced under my eyes.

0:22:340:22:40

Well, I think I look much fresher. Don't disagree, please.

0:22:420:22:46

So potatoes reduce the bags under your eyes. Perfect!

0:22:460:22:51

Earlier, we met the scantily-clad Alex who couldn't be an air hostess because she didn't wear enough.

0:22:540:23:01

POD gave her a make-under and made her all demure. Has she kept it up or gone back to Barbie?

0:23:010:23:07

-Let's meet her and find out. Hey, girl!

-Hiya.

-How are you?

-All right.

0:23:070:23:12

Well, you're dressed. This is a plus. How did you feel when you saw yourself made under?

0:23:120:23:18

I was really shocked. The hair... I was like, "Oh, my God."

0:23:180:23:22

But after a while I got used to it

0:23:220:23:24

and the outfit as well, it made us look more like a lady.

0:23:240:23:29

-So what have you learned from this?

-I learned when I'm at college and doing my training and stuff

0:23:290:23:35

I should definitely stick to the toned-down look and have my hair just nice

0:23:350:23:41

and less fake tan and less nails. And definitely less make-up and that.

0:23:410:23:47

-Are you still intent on being a flight attendant?

-Yes, I am. I want to follow my dreams.

0:23:470:23:53

Well, although the extensions and the make-up's back, it's a relative success - we have clothes on.

0:23:530:24:00

-Have you got a message for POD?

-Yeah. Thanks, POD, but you're never going to get rid of Barbie.

0:24:000:24:06

Barbie's alive and well in Newcastle!

0:24:060:24:09

Next we're in the Twilight Zone with a visit from a genuine vamp.

0:24:120:24:16

Forget Edward and Bella. And make way for vampire Carol!

0:24:160:24:21

What do you think? No? POD off!

0:24:210:24:24

-I am POD. Who are you?

-Hi, Pod. I'm Carol.

0:24:330:24:37

I don't know if you've noticed, but some of your teeth are pointy.

0:24:370:24:41

-These are fangs.

-Are they permanent?

0:24:410:24:45

I can remove them. You're not supposed to sleep or eat with them.

0:24:450:24:50

-There's always the risk of swallowing them.

-Very vamp, I don't think(!)

0:24:500:24:55

How much of a vampire fan are you?

0:24:550:24:58

I'm not crazy. I don't spend my time reading stories and watching movies,

0:24:580:25:02

-and contemplating sucking my neighbour's neck.

-What a relief. How would you describe this look?

0:25:020:25:10

Victorian Gothic. Victorian fashion was very elegant.

0:25:100:25:14

There is a big skirt with a petticoat for volume.

0:25:140:25:18

There is a bustle, like ladies wore, which enhances the figure.

0:25:180:25:23

And there is a corset which is...

0:25:230:25:28

very stiff.

0:25:280:25:30

And, of course, there is the top hat and the veil behind which we hide.

0:25:300:25:36

What are you trying to hide? What's fake about you?

0:25:360:25:40

Other than the teeth,

0:25:400:25:42

-I've got lenses on as well.

-What do you think of the Twilight phenomenon?

0:25:420:25:48

It's too modern and it's too...Hollywood-y.

0:25:480:25:52

Sparkly teeth, young teenagers. Don't like it.

0:25:520:25:56

So given a choice between Robert Pattinson and Dracula...?

0:25:560:26:01

Dracula.

0:26:010:26:03

"I am...Dracula."

0:26:030:26:06

It's, well... The story itself, the love story, it's not just a horror story. It's a love story.

0:26:060:26:12

And there is more to it than just the bloodsucker, really.

0:26:120:26:17

POD computes that anyone who'd dump Patts for the Prince of Darkness is one coffin short of a crypt.

0:26:170:26:23

-Now where's my garlic? You, Carol, are rejected.

-Thank you, POD. Bye!

0:26:230:26:29

Earlier on we met Dirty Sanchez and POD toned down their look to make them natural beauties,

0:26:330:26:40

-but have they kept it up? Let's find out.

-YAY!

-YAY!

0:26:400:26:45

Ohhh. So quiet and shy and retiring as ever.

0:26:450:26:49

-I think you look lovely, chaps.

-Thank you.

-How long did it take you to go back to this

0:26:490:26:55

and away from the more demure look?

0:26:550:26:58

Er...straight away. I actually kept the jeans and kept the shoes. I've worn them quite a bit.

0:26:580:27:04

How did POD compare to your stunts? Your experience with POD.

0:27:040:27:08

-Completely different to what we normally get up to.

-Yeah, we treated POD with respect.

0:27:080:27:14

-We were biting our tongues.

-Oh, were you well behaved?

0:27:140:27:19

-Tried to.

-POD was quite cheeky!

0:27:190:27:21

She said we were like scruffy kids.

0:27:220:27:25

-Have you got a message for POD?

-Thank you. You made Pritch look lush and you're a filthy beast.

0:27:250:27:31

I love you.

0:27:310:27:33

Good job today, POD. I thought you handled it very well indeed.

0:27:360:27:41

-Smooth ride.

-You can tell if there's someone experienced at the wheel.

0:27:410:27:45

I would definitely fly with you again. If no one else was available.

0:27:450:27:50

-You'd be my co-pilot... if everyone else was busy.

-In that case, bon voyage. POD off.

0:27:500:27:56

Subtitles by Subtext for Red Bee Media Ltd - 2011

0:28:080:28:12

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