Joanna and Claire Snog Marry Avoid?

# All fired up and I feel alive

# All fired up and I feel alive

# I feel alive, I feel alive... #

I'm Ellie Taylor and we're searching out fakery all over the land

because Snog Marry Avoid? is on the road!

Is your style a bit ucky?

What's ucky mean?

Oh, no! Yeah, definitely lucky.

If your lashes are so thick with fakery

you can't even seen your own ridiculousness, then POD awaits.

POD is powering up and doubling her databanks

to flush out fakery from every corner of the country.

-Nails.

-Lots of fake nails.

Families across Britain have had enough of the fakery

that's stolen their sons and daughters,

their brothers and their sisters.

ALL: Down with fakery!

Down with fakery!

We haven't brought her up to look like this.

From Birmingham to Bromley, Cardiff to Liverpool,

she'll be peeling back slap and revealing natural beauty.

You've got sparkly purple eyebrows.

What was wrong with your own?

What's right with normal eyebrows? They're boring!

Plus POD's given me a quest.

I'm going undercover in the field of fakery.

Whoo-hoo!

It just looks a bit frumpy.

We're tearing your fake hair out.

This is Snog Marry Avoid?

# Robin Hood, Robin Hood

# Riding through the glen... #

This week, POD has arrived in the home of Robin Hood...

..Little John, that's the bell...

BELL CHIMES

..and a bunch of locals who don't give a Friar Tuck

about what anyone thinks of their look.

We're in Nottingham!

-Hi, POD!

-Hello, Ellie. Come on in.

Hi, POD! We're in Nottingham today.

Home of Kevin Costner and his Merry Men!

Home of all the taking from the rich and giving to the poor.

-You mean Robin Hood.

-Yeah.

Inspirational indeed, Ellie. We need to take from those rich in fakery.

Blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah.

It's a very serious mission.

And what do you want me to do?

I would like you to investigate what fakery is lurking in the streets of Nottingham.

Do you reckon I'll find any men in tights?

I'm hoping you won't, but that could be something worth looking into.

-It certainly could.

-Ellie, that's not what I meant.

Well, you know, I like an outline.

-Focus.

-Sorry.

Get out there and have a look at what's going.

I will. Very closely.

Coming up in tonight's show -

we meet a fake tan fanatic whose boyfriend's browned off.

All my clothes always have orange stains on the collars.

It's just a way of life for me now.

Nottingham's fair ladies reveal their filthy fakery.

There's so much fakery in Nottingham.

Way too much fakery in Nottingham.

I try out the ultimate concealer.

And POD's surge suppressors go into overdrive

when she meets a lace-faced retronaut.

All the things I like and try and incorporate

into my look was around at that time.

Nottingham is famous for its fabled outlaw,

but what about its fakery? Are phoney faces at large?

Fakery makes Nottingham a lot more attractive.

In Nottingham, you get a lot of flesh on show.

Lot-cut dresses, white lipstick and corned beef legs on show.

Lots of girls in skirts with no underwear. It's horrible.

Got the hair all combed to one side.

-Backcombing. That is a big one.

-Yeah, backcombing.

Hair extensions and you can see the clips just underneath their hair.

Let us in, POD!

Do lots of people in Nottingham wear dead foxes around their necks?

-Oh!

-It's not actually a fox, POD, it's a racoon.

Like, you see girls with the biggest fake eyelashes ever.

I once saw a girl and I swear she had, like, five pairs on.

ALL: We love nails!

You look like you've got spiders on your eyes.

-THEY LAUGH

-My eyelashes are amazing.

So you've got spiders on your eyes and a raccoon around your neck.

-Let's just say I like animals.

-BOTH: Raar!

Now for Joanna, who really stands out from the crowd.

Or maybe the crowd stands away from her

because of her eau de fake tan.

Hi, I'm Joanna, and I'm the most outrageous girl in Norwich.

What are you going to do about it?

My look is very outgoing, crazy.

I'm probably the only person in Norfolk that actually dresses the way I do.

Pretty much everything is fake about me.

The tan, the nails, the eyelashes,

the hair extensions and a hell of a lot of make-up.

I use fake tan every single day.

It is just a way of life for me now.

I do use my boyfriend to do my back for me,

which he really doesn't appreciate.

This is the joys of fake-tanning your girlfriend.

Every time I do Jo's back, I get orange hands.

If I haven't got time, I'd rather be putting make-up on

or making him do things for me.

It takes Jo about three hours to get ready, which takes the mick.

I do make sure I've got at least two or three layers of foundation on.

I then put as much blusher on as I possibly can.

I bought it about two weeks ago and it's nearly all gone.

My sister, Lorna, she's not one to hold back.

This is a whole new low.

I think Jo's look is very... very outrageous.

It would be really nice to see her back as Jo,

not Jo-Jo, the wannabe porn star.

I've always had confidence issues since high school.

It's not because of anyone else,

I've always had a problem with how I look myself

and I feel make-up is a way to make it better.

I feel like my eyes are really, really small,

so the more make-up I put on, then they seem to look a lot bigger.

On a night out, Jo's outfits are atrocious.

-They are trashy and too revealing.

-I get a lot of attention.

I am quite an attention-seeker.

I think she is very under-confident, and if she can see herself

as more of a natural, pretty girl, then she would be more confident.

I want to have the make-under just so people in general take me more seriously.

My family, my friends, people in the street, in order for that to

change, I've maybe got to change.

I personally would love to see Jo natural on a night out.

-It is just embarrassing.

-POD, you've got a serious case on your hands.

Good luck, cos you're going to need it.

I'm here to meet Joanna,

but I can hear the sound of a car being sprayed.

And definitely getting a sense of...biscuit. Hang on a minute!

Joanna! Step away from the spray-tanning booth!

Joanna, you are quite a shade of gingerbread man.

I take that as a compliment!

You must get quite a lot of attention dressing like this.

-Sometimes it's, "Oh, my God, look how orange you are!"

-OK!

Basically, just what I did!

I hear your boyfriend helps you do your fake tan!

Yeah, he does not enjoy it at all.

-I always sort of come to a deal with him...

-Oh, I don't want to know!

Don't want to know what the deal involves!

-No, I let him go on me XBox.

-OK, that's fine, that's allowed.

I thought you were going to say something else.

Why have you come to POD?

I need to be more sophisticated-looking,

and look more grown-up.

-Are you ready to go to POD?

-Yes.

Off you go.

-Oh, my God.

-I am POD. The Personal Overhaul Device.

-Who are you?

-I'm Joanna.

-Joanna Fake Tanner?

-Yes!

-Why aren't you dressed?

-I am dressed!

Didn't your parents teach you how to dress yourself?

Yes, but I taught myself how to undress.

-You seem to be a bit orange.

-I like my tan.

POD computes that fake tan is not clothes.

What does your boyfriend say about your look?

Erm, he has called me a donner kebab.

Wow, you really picked a winner with him, didn't you?!

He just doesn't like it.

POD computes that you look like a gymnast.

Have you heard of rhythm gymnastics?

Er, something to do with, like...jumping?

Close your eyes and put out your hand.

-What, do you just wave it about?

-That's right, just wave it around.

You have won a gold medal!

Not for rhythm gymnastics, but for the most ridiculous tan.

Is there anyone you would like to thank?

Me, because I bought it and put it on,

and my boyfriend because he helped do my back.

I'll keep that safe for you.

It's time to run phase one: public analysis.

I asked the general public, would they want to

snog, marry or avoid you?

What do you think they said?

Probably snog.

I would avoid her because I think she looks a bit plastic

and fake, to be honest.

That's not very nice.

I'd avoid her. She's got too much make-up on, too much fake tan,

if you want a tan, go out in the sun, really.

I can't tan in the sun, though.

I'd avoid her, she looks fake and tan-tastic.

I quite like the word "tan-tastic".

A whopping 70% of the public want to avoid you.

That's a lot.

POD's verdict is you are a clothes-loathing, fake tan fanatic,

and you need my 2am kebab meat calamity

to top table totty make-under.

I'm definitely up for it.

It's now time to run the deep cleanse.

Let's have those accessories.

Bye-bye, bling.

Give me those straggly hair extensions.

-Give me those lashes.

-Ow!

Get scrubbing.

Look how lovely you are underneath.

Run the make-under in three, two, one...

Oh, my God!

What do you think?

I'm speechless right now.

Speechless with joy?

Yes, my hair is amazing, it just looks really healthy

and it makes me realise I don't actually need it long.

What do you think of your outfit?

I love that I can still wear heels but they don't look as tarty.

It's a pretty dress, you could wear it anywhere.

Can you see how, covered up, you can still show off your figure?

I can't believe how naturally pretty someone can actually look.

-So you like it then?

-I absolutely love it.

That makes POD very happy.

Previously, what did the public think of your look?

A lot of people wanted to avoid me.

What do you think they said this time?

Hopefully not as many people said "avoid".

I would marry her. She's got great hair

and she looks very sophisticated.

I definitely feel like I look a lot more sophisticated.

Yeah, I'd snog her. She's got a great physique

-and she's quite attractive.

-Aaw!

I'd snog. She's got a beautiful smile and lovely hair.

That's really sweet.

Are you ready to strut your stuff on the podwalk

and show the world your natural beauty?

-Absolutely.

-Initiate PODwalk.

The POD walk has been beamed into a trendy Nottingham tavern.

What will Joanna's boyfriend make of her new top totty turn-out?

I'm really, really nervous right now.

I think he'll like all of it.

I don't think there will be anything he doesn't like.

You look absolutely amazing. Do you like it?

I love it. Absolutely love it.

I can't believe the difference, I did not recognise you!

-Really?

-Mikey, what do you think?

-Speechless.

-There's no orange-ness!

Apart from the hair, yeah!

Are you still planning to make Mikey help you apply fake tan?

Not any more, I don't think.

Do you think you'll still get the attention that you liked?

Course she will!

-Straight in there!

-But in a good way, obviously.

-In a good way.

Are you missing the hot pants and the little pop-top?

That's only bedroom time!

POD computes that Joanna has been transformed

from a kebab meat calamity to top table totty.

Seeing my other half, just so surprised at how I look,

and all the cheering, it just takes your breath away.

When I saw Jo on the catwalk, it felt amazing.

I definitely like her better now

compared with what she used to look like.

I used to think that being fake

is the only way I would have confidence.

I've just been proven wrong completely.

Nottingham folk are so proud of their famous forest,

it looks like they've taken to wearing it.

There's loads of people wearing sort of camo khaki kind of things.

People are wearing camouflage. The hipsters are wearing camouflage.

What's with all the camo?

Camo is very popular, and I like it.

-Are you in the army?

-I am not in the army.

I'm not going to lie, I like a bit of camouflage.

People who wear camouflage look stupid!

I don't like it. Just no.

It's like people are trying to hide.

If you want to wear camouflage,

the army are waiting for people to sign up.

Hiya!

Ellie, Ellie! Thank God you're here!

What is going on? Why are you stressing out?

I've noticed something that I need you to investigate,

but it might be a bit difficult to spot.

-Unicorns?

-No, there's a ridiculous trend for people dressing in camo.

-Camouflage gear?

-Yes, everyone wants to look like they're in a war zone!

Oh, I like it! I had a top like that when I was younger.

Just all, you know, army stuff, like I could hide behind a tree.

It's not OK, Ellie.

OK, well, I'll go and have a stern word with these people.

Maybe I'll put that top back on.

Er, Ellie, there's one thing to remember with camo - keep it subtle.

Just a T-shirt. Of course, keep the subtle, as always!

MUSIC: "Colonel Bogey March", SHE GRUNTS

I think the green brings out my eyes.

Lovely!

Did you see me?

Welcome to the army, new recruits.

You will not last five minutes unless you can deal with me.

You're tall and wearing a hoodie!

Do you think I've got it right or you've got it right?

-I've got right.

-Why haven't I got it right?

Too much khaki. Too much camouflage.

You have the worst hair on earth!

-I don't want to be an officer...

-Get serious!

-Oh!

-Can I go now?

-Yes.

-Thank you.

Can you see me now?

Tut!

-Do you like what I've done with the look?

-It's very matchy.

The problem is, with fashion, is to stand out,

and you're wearing camo and that's all about blending in.

-Do I disappear?

-Who said that?

Do you think men would like this look?

They might think that's too powerful on a woman.

-MUSIC: "Mission Impossible" Theme

-Ooh, hi!

-That was pretty hot!

-Yeah, you blew me away.

-Do you like a big brush on a woman?

-Er, not really, no.

-I would like some on my face.

-Would you?

-Yeah.

-That's really hot.

-Yeah?

Can you see me now?

Now?

Tut! What is the point of all of this?

-Hi, POD.

-Hi, Ellie.

-You look like a walking bush.

-I think I look very nice.

-So what have you managed to find out for me, then?

-I scared a lot of men.

ELLIE LAUGHS Oh, what a surprise.

I don't know why, this outfit made me go really weird, like...

They just were really scared.

Why is this a trend in Nottingham?

I think it's just quite trendy at the minute.

It's in lots of the shops. People are, like, "Why not?"

-Is that all the intelligence you've collated?

-I have also learnt, right,

that I look quite camouflaged until I do this.

-Ellie, you need to go back to being a natural beauty - look sharp.

-OK.

Army roll out!

Now for Claire, who loves a bit of glam,

not the Chanel Prada Gucci type -

we're talking '80s!

Hi, I'm Claire, 17 from Cambridge.

Half drag queen, half '80s.

MUSIC: "You Spin Me Right Round" by Dead Or Alive

My look is basically an amalgamation of all the things

I find aesthetically pleasing.

Cupcakes to drag queens to crystals to clouds.

Basically, combine all those things and you have this.

I'd probably describe Claire's style as weird and unusual.

Drag queens are a big part of my look.

They're very empowering and very glamorous people,

which is why I strive to be like them.

It all started when I was about 13 and I discovered, you know,

Goth and the whole panda face.

It's not exactly my style or taste,

but I admire her guts and her confidence.

There's gaps on my face just asking to have make-up put on them.

I'm going to go over the lace and then,

when you peel it off, you'll have a pretty lace effect.

The worst thing, I suppose, is probably the make-up.

She's got amazing eyes and it's kind of sad to sort of see that

being bombarded with all this make-up.

She's always been totally obsessed with looks and make-up

ever since she was ten years old.

Why be a pigeon when you can be a peacock?

Life is so much more fun this way.

I get stopped in the street quite a lot.

It's when people say, "Oh, you're only doing it for the attention."

That's what gets me.

I think maybe Claire's putting up a front,

because she maybe doesn't feel more confident in herself.

When POD does the make-under, I think

she's going to be quite surprised and shocked.

POD, this drag queen is fierce! Have fun trying to bring me down!

Nottingham has a big history in lace

and Claire is a big fan of lace, too, the vintage kind.

Maybe a nice floaty flap here or something delicate on the sleeve

or, if you're Claire, you just put it over your face

and spray loads of make-up through it.

Now, Claire, I look at this and I go,

"Oh, what a lovely dress, I could go for dinner with my parents."

That's a boring dress. Let's do something more interesting with it

and use it as a make-up technique.

How did you discover that? Were you bored one day and went,

"There's some lace, paint, let's rock 'n' roll"?

Throw a bit of Bowie in there, got a bit of drag queens,

put it on my face, have some fun with it.

It's kind of what an ugly sister would have in a pantomime.

I was going for more drag queen, but, um, yeah.

Talk me through why you're coming to see POD.

It'll be a good challenge for POD. You know, get her hard drive going

and then, I can show her that she was wrong

-and that this is the way forward.

-Ha! Good luck with that one!

I've got a little quiz for you actually,

which I've hidden in some vintage clothes.

It's to, er, try and determine

if you really are in any way ready to leave your glam rock look

behind you, which I think we established already, to be honest.

David Bowie or David Beckham?

-Bowie.

-Not into Becks at all?

-He's all right.

-Queen or Her Majesty the Queen?

Well, I am a Cambridgeshire girl, but, um, Queen.

-You could see Freddie in this, surely?

-Oh, my God, I really could!

-That's it!

-You're just missing a 'tache and we're there!

After my quiz, Claire, I've decided, um, no, you're not ready

-to leave glam rock.

-No.

-Which I think makes it high time

-that we get you into POD.

-OK.

-Ready?

-Yeah!

-Let's do this.

MUSIC: "Karma Chameleon" by Culture Club

POD, let me in.

I am POD, the Personal Overhaul Device.

-Who are you?

-I'm Claire.

Why are you dressed like a Smurf?

It's not a Smurf, POD, it's more like mermaid meets Avatar?

Yes, POD thinks you do look like you belong in a fishbowl.

You've got to admit, it's pretty fun.

Did you walk into the door of POD?

You seem to have a bruise on your head.

No, but there's glitter all over your door now.

-Where did you get this outfit from?

-I got it for £10 from a figure skater.

-Can you ice skate?

-You'd be surprised, POD, I'm very bendy.

In that case, give me your best ice skating pose and I will judge you.

Hey! There you go.

POD gives you...

zero points.

I'd like to see POD try.

POD is a computer, there is no ice skating for me.

Why have you come to see POD?

Well, the reason I've come for a make-under is to challenge POD,

because I don't think POD can improve on this.

What do you think your look says about you to other people?

I think it says that I'm fun and interesting and uncompromising.

Run phase 1 - public analysis.

I asked the general public whether they would want to

snog, marry or avoid this girl.

What do you think they said?

I think they'd want to party with me,

but obviously, they're going to say avoid.

I would avoid her, because she's got far too much make-up for my liking.

And he's boring.

I would avoid her, because she's got an interesting look,

but she looks like she's hiding behind a persona.

A bit judgemental! He doesn't know me!

I would avoid her, because she looks like she's just come off

-an ice skating rink.

-What's wrong with ice skating?

90% wanted to get as far away from you as possible.

-OK, POD.

-What do you think about your public analysis?

Fine, that's all right.

POD's verdict is you are a lace-faced space cadet

whose style belongs in the '80s.

Sounds brilliant!

And you need my out-of-this-world bonkers

to girl next-door beauty make-under.

Oh, Jesus!

It's now time for the deep cleanse.

Remove your whopping great Avatar boots.

-There you go.

-Lose the big dangling earrings.

-Ow!

-Give me those eyelashes.

-Ow!

Ooh...

I'm going to need some industrial strength cleaner, POD.

Yey! That's my happiness that you've just wiped off.

Run the make-under in three, two, one...!

Oh, my God!

You having a laugh, POD?

-What's wrong?

-You're joking me!

-Tell me what you think of your outfit.

-I see a celery stick.

Where's my figure? I know I've got a good figure.

Is there anything you like about your new look?

I could lie and say the shoes aren't that bad.

-What do you think of your make-up?

-It's the only redeeming bit.

Your face looks fresh without all that dirty rubbish all over it.

It's normal!

-Would you like to hear what the public have to say?

-Fine!

I would snog her. She's a beautiful girl.

She's got lovely hair, lovely eyes.

You can't see my eyes! What is that?!

I'd snog her, because she looks very down-to-earth and looks cute.

Cute?! Disgusting!

I'd snog her, because she has lovely eyes and a lovely dress sense.

You're kidding me! It's the most disgusting dress I've ever seen.

In fact, 90% of the public said they want to snog you

and 10% want to marry you.

Doesn't make any difference, does it?

You shouldn't care what other people think.

I don't understand why you can't see what everybody else sees.

-You look lovely.

-I can't see it. I really can't.

Are you ready to strut your stuff on the PODwalk?

I haven't got much choice, have I?

Initiate PODwalk!

Claire might not be too impressed with her new look,

but what will her mum make of her dressed-up daughter?

I hate my look. I'm sure my mum will agree with me.

Just get it over with.

CHEERING

Well done!

-Now, everyone else here loves it.

-Apparently. Can't say why.

-That's a no from you, then? You don't like it?

-I think it's vile.

It's vile?! Oh!

All right!

-You look lovely! What don't you like about it?

-I look like a lampshade!

Coming from the girl who came in in a velour-blue

-ice skating all-in-one suit!

-At least it was fun!

What do you think, Kate?

Well, I personally like it, but I must say, as soon as I saw it,

I knew it wasn't going to be to Claire's taste.

Do you think this look would make your dad happy?

-I don't think it makes anyone happy...

-I think he'd like it.

-Enough from you!

-CLAIRE GIGGLES

I think her boyfriend will love it and I think her dad

will think it's marvellous. He'll be very proud of you.

-You look gorgeous. Go home and whack some glitter on.

-Will do. Yes, ma'am!

POD computes Claire has been transformed

from out-of-this-world bonkers to girl next-door beauty.

Apparently, everyone else loves it. I've no idea

what they're looking at, because it can't be me. It just can't!

Well, I don't think POD had much of a chance with my daughter.

She's quite a feisty young lady!

Nottingham's damsels love their leggings and legend has it

that a merry band of men can still sometimes be spotted wearing tights.

Can we come in?

A lot of novelty tights around Nottingham.

You get loads of different types, like zips at the back,

you get loads with stars on.

-All about the funky tights.

-All about the funky tights.

I saw a girl wearing tights with jellyfish printed all over them. Not good.

Have you covered your legs in jelly? GIGGLING

-It's gold!

-The most outrageous pair of tights I've seen

are the bright green ones that look like Kermit The Frog.

-Do you want people to see your femur and shin bones?

-Yeah, why not?

I mean, it's a bit different to just boring skin.

# Walk this way! #

People like patterns on their leggings big in Nottingham.

Sometimes, people aren't the right body shape for those leggings, maybe.

I saw a guy wearing tights yesterday. I was like, "Wow!"

What do you think about men who wear tights?

Um, go home.

Earlier, we met Joanna and Claire.

One looked naked, the other looked out of this world.

Both left looking like wonderful, natural beauties,

but did they keep their look?

A star! Go to the top of the class.

You, missy, in detention for the rest of your life!

How quickly did it take you to dye it blue?

The next day. I went home to my friend's,

just to double check that it was awful, that it wasn't just me,

and they confirmed that it was awful, so then I fixed it.

-Did anyone like it?

-My boyfriend saw potential,

and then I knocked some sense into him and now, we're all good.

You came across like you didn't really want it in the first place.

I don't know what you thought POD was going to do.

I'm very out there, so I thought I might as well try something new.

I might have liked it, didn't like it, you move on.

What have you learned from the experience?

I'm just going to stick with this

and not do natural until I'm at least 50.

And onto my shining star. My beacon of hope over there.

I'm still in shock, to be honest.

I used to sort of be the same colour as this chair.

-SHE LAUGHS:

-You did.

So tell me what it was about the look that you liked so much?

It was just how everything sort of went well together.

My colour of my hair went with my pale complexion.

Everything just matched.

So has seeing yourself in this way helped with your confidence a bit?

Definitely. I've just realised

that I don't need to wear all the fake tan and make-up

and wear as little clothes as possible to make myself feel better.

Do you miss those clothes? Would you go out in them any more?

To be honest, I don't think I dare go out and I feel quite embarrassed

about it now. The make-under hasn't just, um, changed the way I look.

It's actually changed my life completely,

because I am actually now in full-time employment.

-Oh, seriously?

-Yeah.

-Oh, that is so... I'm proper chuffed.

It was really lovely to meet you both.

Thank you both so much for coming on the show, and to each their own.

-Agreed. Thank you.

-LAUGHTER

-Hi, POD.

-Come in, Ellie.

Hiya, POD, it's time for us to leave the land of Maid Marian.

Yes, POD computes that Robin Hood fellow

did a good job of stealing fakery from the rich.

I don't think that's exactly what he did.

Are you saying I can't compare myself with a hero figure of history?

Well, I don't think you're exactly what people would call

a folklore legend, just yet.

Changing the subject, did you track down all of those camo people?

They're quite difficult to find. You should get back out there.

Are you kidding me? I did about 45 parachute rolls.

My back's killing me! You, love, can POD off!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd