17/01/1978 The Good Old Days

MUSIC: The Honeysuckle And The Bee

# You are my honey, honeysuckle

# I am the bee

# I'd like to sip the honey sweet

# From those red lips you see

# I love you dearly, dearly

# And I want you to love me

# You are my honey, honeysuckle

# I am the bee. #

FANFARE PLAYS

CHEERING

Once again,

good evening, ladies and gentlemen!

-AUDIENCE:

-Good evening!

Kinetiscopically...

Ooh...

..cosmopolitan...

LAUGHTER

Our kaleidoscopic carnivalia...

CHEERING

That means "hurly-burly".

LAUGHTER

Formidable, farouche, frenetique -

the Players' Theatre!

MUSIC: Offenbach's Can Can

# I'd like to go again

# To Paris on the Seine

# For Paris is a proper pantomime

# And if they'd only take the 'Ackney Road and plant it over there

# I'd like to be in Paris all the time

# La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la

# Paris is a pantomime

# La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la

# I'd like to be in Paris all the time

# The continon, the continon

# That very, very place, Marie

# And I'm so glad that dear old Dad

# He took me there to see

# The madames all sweet with pretty little feet

# They smile as you trip along

# I didn't know what he was doing for me

# When he took me to the continon

INSTRUMENTAL

# I didn't know what he was doing for me

# When he took me to the continon

# Parisienne

# It's a lover's dance And I'll find romance

# Parisienne

# Oh, I love it so I don't want to go

# We won't stop to take a rest

# I know you can stand the test

# Watch the couples slide

# See them as they glide

# While they're swaying they are saying

# Parisienne

# Watch the couples slide See them as they glide

# Parisienne

# Hear that sweet refrain There it goes again

# You can have your turkey trot and grizzly bear

# If you love Parisienne I won't care

# Most everybody's dancing it

# Everybody's dancing it. #

MUSIC: Offenbach's Can Can

APPLAUSE

Now will you go home and practise?

LAUGHTER

Impudent ambiguities,

disarming dubieties,

incorrigible innuendo incarnate!

Who, but the one and only

Mr John Inman?

CHEERING

MUSIC: With My Little Wigger-wagger

# There's one thing about me There's no doubt

# I look a masher when I'm walking out

# People stare and I don't know why

# Perhaps it is because I wear a collar and a tie

# No joke, my poke Though a trifle red

# Doesn't make them look at me a lot

# But there's one thing people seem to think quite funny

# And I'll tell you what it is Just what

# It's me...

# Little wigger-wagger in me hand

# That makes me such a dandy

# It's not my strut Nor my face, tut tut

# Nor me brand-new cady Like a pimple on my nut

# Maidies and the ladies

# I meet when I am walking in the Strand

# They all look at me And I shout "I'm free"

# Cos I've me little wigger-wagger in me hand

# Dee da...

# While down on the beach in Margate way

# I took a swim in Pegwell Bay

# Left my clothes on the sandy beach

# I put them where I reckoned that the water wouldn't reach

# Long stroke, side stroke I began to swim

# Bobbing in the water like a boat

# And on my cane I tied a pair of bladders

# Just keep me up and make me float

# With me... #

Wait for it, wait for it!

# With me...

# Little wigger-wagger in my hand

# I left the salt seawater

# I felt a jay cos to my dismay

# The tide had carried all my toggery away!

# I there felt a pie there

# For all the girls were standing on the sand

# As I left the sea They all shouted, "Are you free?"

# Cos I'd me little wigger-wagger in me hand!

# With my little wigger-wagger in my hand

# By George, I'm such a dandy

# It's not my strut Nor my face, tut tut

# Nor me brand-new cady Like a pimple on my nut

# Ladies and the maidies

# I meet when I am walking in the Strand

# They all look at me And I shout, "I'm free"

# Cos I've me little wigger-wagger in me hand. #

I promise you, you will have Mr John Inman later on in the programme.

But now,

continentally contributory,

implementing implausibility with...

Ooh...!

..implausibility with immaculacy,

a transcendent tour de force,

of prestidigitational...

Ooh!

..legerdemain.

Tricks!

LAUGHTER

From Poland,

Salvano!

FANFARE AND APPLAUSE

BAND PLAYS INSTRUMENTAL

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

MUSIC BECOMES MORE UPBEAT

APPLAUSE

Voila.

Another way.

Another way, now.

A special way.

DRUMROLL

Cheers. Zum wohl.

A votre sante. Salute.

Na zdrowie.

This, here.

Horrible.

Want to try it? No?

Sedulous celebrant of seasonal festivities...

Ooh!

Palpably pneumatic

in amplitudinous principal-boy plumaciousness.

Hooray!

Miss Norma Dunbar!

APPLAUSE

MUSIC: Daisy Bell by Harry Dacre

-OPERATIC TONE:

-# There is a flower within my heart

# Daisy, Daisy

# Planted one day by a glancing dart

# Planted by Daisy Bell

# Whether she loves me Or loves me not

# Sometimes it's hard to tell

# Yet I am longing to share the lot

# Of beautiful Daisy Bell

-BELTING IN COCKNEY ACCENT:

-# Daisy, Daisy

# Give me your answer, do

AUDIENCE JOINS IN

# I'm half crazy

# All for the love of you

# It won't be a stylish marriage

# I can't afford a carriage

# But you'll look sweet upon the seat

# Of a bicycle built for two

-OPERATIC TONE:

-# I will stand by you

# In wheel or woe

# Daisy, Daisy

# You'll be the bell which I'll ring you know

# My beautiful Daisy Bell

# You'll take the lead in each trip we take

# Then if I don't do well

# I will permit you to use the brake

# My beautiful Daisy

# Bell...

-BELTING IN COCKNEY ACCENT AGAIN:

-# Daisy, Daisy

# Give me your answer, do... #

AUDIENCE JOINS IN

Mr Chairman!

# I'm half crazy... #

Hello, darlin'!

AUDIENCE CONTINUES TO SING

Here, Mr Chairman, look at this lovely daisy I found! Ooh!

# It won't be a stylish marriage

# I can't afford... #

Coo-ee!

# ..a carriage

# But you'll look sweet upon the seat

# Of a bicycle built for two... #

Altogether now!

# Daisy, Daisy

# Give me your answer, do... #

Well, let's hear you!

# I'm half crazy... #

Lovely!

# All for the love of you

# It won't be a stylish marriage

# I can't afford a carriage

# But you'll look sweet upon the seat

# Of a bicycle built for two. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

You see...

LAUGHTER

Principal boys aren't born.

LAUGHTER

They're built!

LAUGHTER

Verisimilitudinous...

Ooh...

It just means life-like.

LAUGHTER

Like you.

..ventriloquacity.

Engagingly endearing ornithological anthropomorphism.

LAUGHTER

A talking bird.

LAUGHTER

Mr Keith Harris!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you very, very much indeed. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

I found...

Yes.

Believe it or not, I found this little bird, here,

outside the stage door and he said can he come in because, you see,

he wants to be in showbusiness.

-AUDIENCE:

-Aww!

-Yes.

I think he's rather shy,

but I'll get him to turn round and have a look at you. Just a minute.

Will you turn round and have a look?

I can't.

LAUGHTER

You can't?

I can't.

Why not?

They...they're laughing at me.

No, they're not laughing at you.

I heard them.

Look, it's all right. Come on, turn around and have a look.

He's a little bit shy. Turn around.

-I'll have a look, then.

-Have a look.

-AUDIENCE:

-Aww!

They're laughing now!

Oh, come on, come on.

He's very shy, very shy.

Look, it's all right. Come on. You see?

Now, what's your name?

-Pardon?

-What's your name?

-Orville.

-Orville?

-Yes.

I see. And what are you going to do, Orville, for all the ladies and

gentlemen, now you're here? What would you like to do?

I-I'm going to do some impressions.

Impressions?

-Yes.

-Yes, I see.

Erm, who...

-They're laughing with us.

-Yes, we know.

Who are you going to do your impressions of?

Percy Edwards.

LAUGHTER

Yes...Percy Edwards.

All right...

You mean you're going to do some bird impressions, are you?

-I'd like to.

-You would?

-Yeah.

-Yes, all right. Well, you can.

-Thank you.

-Yes.

Ladies and gentlemen, Orville will now do his bird impressions.

-Go on, then.

-Are you ready?

-Yeah.

-First one.

-First one.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

LOUD GULP

LAUGHTER

-Is that it?

-Yes.

What was that?

A swallow.

A swallow?

Yes, that was a very good impression.

-Did, did you like it?

-I liked it, yes.

W-where's my prize?

LAUGHTER

Where's what?

Where's my prize?

-Your prize?

-Yes.

Well, you don't get a prize for doing that.

I...I-I thought you did.

LAUGHTER

Oh, no, sorry. No prizes.

-Oh...

-No, no.

Aww...

You see, you see...

-What?

-You see,

if you want to do something better...

Why don't you do some flying? That would be marvellous.

You could fly around the theatre, here.

You could fly all around here, you see? You could do some aerobatics,

and that would be fantastic...

-No?

-I can't.

You can't?

-I can't.

-You can't...you can't what?

Fly.

Aww...

I can't!

I can't!

-You can't?

-No.

But how did you get here from London?

-I walked.

-Did you?

Walked!

Where's my prize?

-You don't get a prize.

-No.

But I'll tell you what I can do. I can't give you a prize, but listen -

I can teach you how to fly. Would you like to?

-I'd like that.

-OK.

-Thank you very muchly.

-All right.

All you've got to do - it's very simple -

you just flap your wings. Go on, flap your wings.

-I will.

-Go on, then. That's it.

Aww!

-You see, Orville?

-Yeah?

You've got to do it faster.

-Faster?

-Yes.

-I will.

-Go on, then. That's it.

That's it, go on!

Faster, faster!

ORVILLE PANTS

-What?

-I'm out of puff now!

LAUGHTER

Out of puff!

-Yeah.

-Look, it's all right.

Come on - look, you flap those wings. I've got hold of you.

I've got hold of your, your...

Well, I've got hold of you, anyway.

I'm going to take my hand away, OK?

-OK.

-That's it - flap those wings and I will take my hand away.

Are you ready? Here we go!

Waa...

Wahey!

Yeah, I flew!

Yes, and I took my hand away.

It's a good job you didn't take your other hand away, wasn't it?

Ha-ha! You flew.

Where's my prize now?

Listen, you must be very pleased -

you can go home now and you can tell all your friends you can fly.

And you can tell your mummy and daddy you can fly,

-and just think how happy they'll be, won't they?

-Aww...

No.

But, but...

-Why not?

-I can't.

You can't tell them?

No.

And why can't you tell your mummy and daddy that you can fly?

Cos I ha-haven't got a mummy or daddy...

Aww...!

You, you...

You haven't got a mummy or daddy?

No.

No?

No.

-No friends?

-No.

-No.

-Aww...

I-I-I've got no-one to phone.

-No-one to pho...?

-LAUGHTER

No.

-And no friends?

-No friends.

No mummy.

-No mummy.

-Aww!

No daddy.

Aww!

-In fact...

-Yes?

..I'm nobody's child.

Aww...

You tell us all about it.

-I will.

-Come on.

# I'm nobody's child

# I'm nobody's child

# I'm like a flower

# I'm, I'm just growing wild

# Oh, no daddy's kisses

# And no mummy's smile

# You see, nobody loves me... #

Don't they?

# Cos I'm, I'm nobody's child. #

Listen, come on.

I tell you what - look, we'll all try and sing it...

We'll all sing it with him, eh?

Make him feel better.

# He's nobody's child... #

ORVILLE WHIMPERS

# He's nobody's child

Just like a flower...

# Just like a flower

I'm growing wild.

# He's growing wild

Nobody loves me.

# Nobody wants him

And nobody's smile.

# And nobody's smile

You see, nobody loves me.

# Nobody loves him

Cos I'm...

# He's nobody's child. #

ORVILLE WHIMPERS

It's all right now, Come on.

I'm sure everybody here - you all love him, don't you?

-AUDIENCE:

-Yes!

-Did you hear that?

-Well...

# Somebody loves me

# I'm somebody's child. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you.

Superlatively sophisticate

in a sartorial...

Ooh...

(Clothing.)

..spectacle of synchronised

simultaneity.

CHEERING

That dashing duplicity,

Messrs Ray and Tutor Davies!

APPLAUSE

MUSIC: Elegance by Jerry Herman

# Have you noticed when I doff my hat my air remains quite bold?

# Have you noticed when I check my cuffs the studs are made of gold?

-# Have you noticed?

-Yes I've noticed

# We have no need to be told that...

# We've got elegance

# We've got built in elegance

# And with elegance, elegance

# We're gonna carry it off!

# Here we are The two of us

# Won't be long Before you're through with us

# We live life in the vernacular

# Every day is quite spectacular

# What a thrill To be with us

# People queue just to have tea with us

# We've got elegance

# Without style and elegance

# You will never ever carry it off

# All who are well-bred agree Little Ray

# Has pedigree

# Even though our father drives a bus

# Silver spoons were used for feeding us

# We have got What's known as chic

# Do it all on three and six a week

# We've got elegance

# Without style and elegance

# You will never ever carry it off

# Have you noticed when I hold my cup my finger never moves?

# And the way I keep my pinky up indubitably proves

# That...

# We've got elegance

# We've got built in elegance

# And with elegance, elegance Elegance, elegance, elegance

# We're gonna carry it

# Yes, we'll even marry it

# If we can get it retail We're prepared to cash and carry it

# We can carry it

# Off! #

Perambulatory...

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

..peripatetic peregrinatory...

Ooh!

..pedestrianism.

LAUGHTER

Hiking. LAUGHTER

Once again,

Mr John Inman!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

MUSIC: Who's Your Lady Friend? by Robert Stolz

LAUGHTER

HE BELCHES

Oh, no - I think there's one or two more of them...left in there.

Ee, I've had a time, do you know? I have.

I haven't passed one pub from here to Batley.

Straight in, I was.

I'm the daddy of all the hikers, you know? I'm 82.

HE LAUGHS

82. I would have been 83, but me father were a bit shy.

How can you look so clean and laugh so dirty?

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

HE BELCHES

I went in the pub. I said to the landlord, I said,

"That beer's a bit thin." He said,

"Aye, you'd be thin if you'd come up same pipe as this has."

Ee...

Oh, he were a grand fellow, my dad, though, he was.

95 when he went.

Should be here by now.

He got married when he was my age.

He did!

Nice girl - 18, she was.

Well, she wanted a baby, you see?

He went to the doctor's - he says, "How do I stand?"

He said, "It's a miracle."

He says, "Well, I...

"I've got this young wife. She wants a baby. What shall I do?"

He says, "Well, you'd better get a lodger."

You know, two months later there was a baby on the way?

He was thrilled by that. He went dashing back to the doctor.

He says, "Hey! My wife's having a baby!"

He said, "Did you get a lodger?"

He says, "Aye, and I think she's having one an' all!"

Oh, I tell you...

I've just been in a pub, now. I was in a pub now. I was standing there,

I said to the barmaid, I said, "It's three years since I came in here."

She said, "Well, I'm serving as fast as I can!"

I said, "Mine's a light,"

and she chucked a bucket of water over me head.

I felt a bit, you know...

I got taken short in there cos I'd had one or two of...

HE BELCHES

Ooh, I felt one coming on, then. It surprised me.

I went to the doings and I, I'd just got a pint, you see?

LADY IN AUDIENCE CACKLES

She'll be off to the doings an' all in a minute!

I'd just got a pint.

I put it on the bar. I wrote a note in it -

"I have spit in this ale."

When I came back somebody had written underneath "So have I."

I'm going to a funeral in a minute.

I were at one the other day.

I were standing by the graveside, the vicar came up to me.

He said, "How old are you?" I said, "I'm 82."

He said, "Well, it's hardly worth you going home, is it?"

MUSIC: I'm Happy When I'm Hiking by Ralph Butler and Raymond Wallace

# I'm happy when I'm hiking

# A pack upon my back

# I'm happy when I'm hiking

# Off the beaten track

# Out in the open country

# Going all o'er the road

# With a real good friend To the journey's end

# 10, 20, 30, 40, 50 miles away... #

Now, on!

-# I'm happy when I'm hiking... #

-AUDIENCE JOINS IN

# A pack upon my back

# I'm happy when I'm hiking

# Off the beaten track

# Out in the open country... #

-AUDIENCE CONTINUES

-Very nice!

# With a real good friend To the journey's end

# 10, 20, 30, 40, 50 miles away. #

Hey!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Ineffable for your ineluctable...

Ooh!

..effulgance, enchanting..

..in aural...

LAUGHTER

..and ocular edification,

your own Miss Lyn Kennington!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

MUSIC: My Hero by Oscar Straus and Stanislaus Stange

# I have a true and noble lover

# He is my sweetheart All my own

# His like on Earth who shall discover?

# His heart is mine and mine alone

# We pledged our troth Each to the other

# And for our happiness I pray

# Our lives belong to one another

# Oh, happy happy wedding day

# Oh, happy happy wedding day

# Come, come

# I love you only

# My love is true

# Come, come

# My life is lonely

# I long for you

# Come, come

# Naught can efface you

# My arms are aching

# Now to embrace you

# Thou art divine

# Come, come

# I love you only

# Come

# Hero mine. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

MUSIC: In The Gloaming by Annie Fortescue Harrison and Meta Orred

# In the gloaming

# Oh, my darling

# When the lights are dim and low

# And the quiet shadows falling

# Softly come and softly go

# When the winds are sobbing faintly

# With a gentle unknown woe

# Will you think of me and love me

# As you did once long ago?

# In the gloaming

# Oh, my darling

# Think not bitterly of me

# Though I went away in silence

# Left you lonely Set you free

# For my heart was crushed with longing

# What had been could never be

# It was best to leave you thus dear

# Best for you and best for me

# It was best to leave you thus

# Best for you

# And best

# For me. #

APPLAUSE

In happy homage to Mr Bobby Howes,

those exhilarating harbingers of halcyon harmonies...

CHEERING

..the Players' Theatre!

MUSIC: Spread A Little Happiness by Vivian Ellis

# Even when the darkest clouds are in the sky

# You mustn't sigh and you mustn't cry

# Just spread a little happiness as you go by

# Please try

# What's the use of worrying or feeling blue?

# When days are long keep on smiling through

# And spread a little happiness till dreams come true

# Surely you'll be wise to make the best of every blues day

# Don't you realise you'll find next Monday or next Tuesday

# Your golden shoes day?

# Even when the darkest clouds are in the sky

# You mustn't sigh and you mustn't cry

# Spread a little happiness as you go by

# Spread a little happiness

# Got a date with an angel

# Going to meet her at seven

# Got a date with an angel

# And I'm on my way to heaven

# She'll be sweet when I meet her

# She'll be sweet when I greet her

# I just feel proud like St Peter

# Cos I'm on my way to heaven

# Soon I'll hear the bells ring out

# And the choir will sing out

# And the pearly gates swing out

# She'll beckon to me

# I've been waiting a lifetime

# For this evening at seven

# Got a date with an angel

# And I'm on my way to heaven

# Life is just a bowl of cherries

# Don't be mysterious

# Life's far too serious

# You work, you slave You worry so

# But you can't take your dough When you go, go, go

# Keep repeating it's the berries

# The strongest oak must fall

# The sweet things in life To you are just loaned

# How can you lose what you've never owned?

# Life is just a bowl of cherries

# So live and laugh at it all

# Life is just a bowl of cherries

# Don't be so serious

# Life's too mysterious

# You work, you slave You worry so

# But you can't take your dough When you go, go, go

# Keep repeating it's the berries

# The strongest oak must fall

# The sweet things in life To you are just loaned

# So how can you lose what you've never owned?

# Life is just a bowl of cherries

# So live and laugh at it all

# When the darkest clouds are in the sky

# You mustn't sigh and you mustn't cry

# Spread a little happiness

# As you go by. #

And now, there's just time

to ask Mr John Inman to lead the company and yourselves

in the last chorus for tonight - Down At The Old Bull And Bush.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr John Inman, the entire company,

Mr Bernard Hermann and the entire and indefatigable orchestra!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

But, this time, chiefly,

-yourselves! AUDIENCE:

-Yourselves!

MUSIC: Down At The Old Bull And Bush

# Come, come, come and make eyes at me

# Down at the Old Bull And Bush Da, da, da, da, da

# Come, come, drink some port wine with me

# Down at the Old Bull And Bush

# Hear the little German band

# Da, da-da-da, da, da, da

# Just let me hold your hand dear

# Do, do, come and have a drink or two

# Down at the Old Bull and Bush.

# Bush, Bush! #