Compilation Show The Graham Norton Show

-Hi, I'm Tom Cruise.

-Hello, I'm Jennifer Lawrence.

-And I'm Chris Pratt.

-I'm Danny DeVito.

-And I'm Miranda Hart.

-Hi. I'm Nicole Kidman.

Hi, I'm Chris from Coldplay.

-Good evening, I'm Tom Hiddleston.

-Hey, I'm Whoopi Goldberg.

-I'm Eddie Redmayne.

-And I'm Benedict Cumberbatch.

I'm Tom Hanks and this is The Graham Norton Show.

This programme contains some strong language.

Hello!

Hello, oh!

What a lovely welcome.

That is... That's... Oh!

No, thank you.

What a mature, seasoned welcome that was.

And welcome to this special look back at some of

the highlights from the past series.

So many wonderful moments, starting with this.

We need to settle a little controversy. Little controversy.

There was a picture...

You've probably seen this, it was on the internet and in

the papers and things, and it's this picture here.

-Now...

-Oh, yeah!

So, people were trying to decide if that was Bill Murray or Tom Hanks.

Right.

Well, I've been doing a pale imitation of Bill Murray

for most of my career, so it actually works out.

I know that it's not me because I did not take that picture.

Listen, I've had a cranial plate shift that, you know, is medicinal.

-That's not me.

-But even looking at you, it does look very like you.

It does. Yeah, I could make that face.

-But don't you have a thing where you think you've got sides?

-Oh, I do.

Oh, we all know what our good side is. I'll show it

-if you can come close...

-OK.

-..in a hideously-embarrassing close-up.

-OK.

I'll show you right now.

-Should I start with the good side or the bad side?

-Good side.

-Really?

-Yeah.

-OK, all right.

This is my good side.

Now, I don't know why, but I have a jaw and I have a chin and,

you know, back of the...

Actually, could you come around sort of like three quarters-ish

a little bit? OK, there. OK, there, there, is that it?

Come in a little tighter, please. Little tighter.

All right, so far we're still doing OK. It's all right, it's not bad.

All right, now, stay there and just watch this.

LAUGHTER

Oh, dear, look at that!

The neck goes away, the nose becomes this malformed thing,

I've got half a cheek sticking out right here.

So, I essentially kind of go from Richard Gere to Richard Nixon.

LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH

APPLAUSE

You have nothing but good sides.

We just thought, while you're here, to settle things,

to avoid confusion in the future, we might re-enact that...

-Oh, do you have an orange jumper?

-I do. I am fully costumed.

Oh, great.

-I've got some orange things there.

-OK.

Now, Gemma, would you mind being...?

I think she's the mother of the baby.

So, there's some sunglasses there.

And, now, would you mind being the baby?

Absolutely!

Oh, you can do that? Actually, that's better.

-That's better, why didn't we think of that?

-All right.

-OK, so I'm, like, here?

-You're down in there. Down you go. There you go.

-Squeeze in, squeeze in.

-Like that?

-Like that, smiling.

There we go, that is really good!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

That is good!

Is the hey, hey game still popular in your family?

Well, we've sort of suspended the hey, hey game temporarily.

The hey, hey game, it was a really strange thing

and it's this bizarre universal truth, right?

And we've tested it on many continents.

And if you walk up behind a person and you, you know,

you stick your finger, you know, in...

You know, you just sort of ram your finger...

Up their butthole.

Everybody in every language in the world says, "Hey, hey!"

LAUGHTER

I'm telling you, right? I'm telling you, try it.

Try it.

Somebody's here from Botswana, right?

I'm telling you, try it, and they'll be, "Hey, hey!"

-We've just...

-And how many times have you been arrested?

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

OK, now, we don't want to make anyone cry,

but sad days in the publishing world in Australia.

I don't know if you're aware of this, but I'm afraid...

Dolly magazine has shut its doors, Nicole.

Dolly magazine is no more.

Dolly magazine was very important to you when you

were starting out, wasn't it?

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-I got on the cover of Dolly magazine.

-There you are on the cover.

-Oh, no!

Yeah! Looking stunning.

-They've got a giant...

-Are you being facetious?

-No, you...

-No, you look fabulous!

-Mm.

They dyed my hair red. I was only, like, 14.

-Is your...?

-It wasn't red like that.

Everyone always thinks it was that red and it wasn't.

No, they dyed it red.

-Inside there was some fabulous high fashion shots of you.

-Oh, God!

No, this is beautiful!

This just gives you an idea of the quality of fashion

in Dolly magazine.

-That is a lovely...

-Yes!

It's a lovely shiny jacket and I have to say, these rope seams...

I'm not sure they ever caught on, the rope seams.

I've never seen it before in my life.

-But this next picture, this is...

-Oh, God, you're brutal!

So, no, there's only one more, only one more. So...

I honestly wish my hair was like that now. It's so dreadful.

Because, I have to say, anyone that has curly hair that's young,

keep your curly hair, don't straighten it,

-because after a while. you don't get your curls back.

-Really?

No, they, kind of, become just frizz mass.

I mean, that is frizz mass, but I, kind of, like that.

Yeah, it's gone, so I'm like an old woman now, where I say,

"Don't dye your hair and don't straighten your curls!"

Well, you know, with photographers in movies when they're doing

a fashion shoot and everyone's like, "Oh, look sexy," or,

"give me something, give me this,"

-or, you know, "try this," da, da, da...

-Yeah.

-What had the photographer said...

-You're so mean!

-..before this picture?

-Why aren't you doing this to anybody else?

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

You look great!

"Is this the sort of thing you're after?"

Here's the thing, cos, Chris, you worked in restaurants, didn't you?

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

So, you worked in Hawaii, but then you worked in LA, as well.

-Yes, I worked at a restaurant in Beverly Hills.

-So, posh?

It was, it tried to be. It was...

Look, it was a terrible restaurant and...

It was. It was just awful and I was a major contributing factor

to how terrible this restaurant was.

It was... It had... It was just real garbage. It's been revamped now.

-But I loved it...

-Tell us the name.

-They'll give you free meals!

-Oh, I mean, they will give me...

That's how I ate.

I mean, when you're in Hollywood, and in other places, like,

you need a job that gives you your days free

so you can try to audition for projects.

So, I'd work weekends and I'd work the nights and that would...

I had no money and no-one was coming to the restaurant,

so I wasn't making any tips.

I'd make, like, 20 or 30 bucks a day, maybe.

-And so it was really a place I'd go to...

-Nourishment.

-To eat, yeah.

That kitchen fed me for, like, the time that I was there.

I used to just...

Oh, man, do you ever do this, where, like,

a lady would come in and she'd be like, "What do you recommend?"

And I'm like, "32oz porterhouse."

LAUGHTER

And so, I'd always tell them.

I said, "Listen, here's how you want it - medium rare,

"with some mushrooms on the side, I can get you some mashed potato.

"You're going to love this, ma'am."

And she's like, you know, a 90-year-old woman.

And so, I'd bring the steak out to this lady, she...

I'm hiding in the corner, watching, like, how much is she eating?

How much do I get? You know?

I'd go back and she was like, "I can't eat another bite."

I was like, "Yes!" Maybe 80% of the steak is left.

And we had this thing called the tunnel, which is an area between

the dining room and the kitchen, where they'd keep

all the soft drinks and, like, the silverware and stuff, and that's...

I'd been busted so many times eating off people's plates

that they were like, "You have to stop doing that.

"Like, it's really, really bad."

So, anything I ate, I had to eat in the tunnel.

-Because it was my safe zone, where...

-Safe zone!

-From judgment.

From judgment!

The customers aren't going to see me eat their food

and the chef's not going to yell at me for eating the food.

So, it was like... I had about 14, maybe,

ounces of steak that I had to get down in about ten feet.

I was straight up like a komodo dragon.

LAUGHTER

And I'd wolf this steak down, you know?

And I'd get it and I'm like, "Ha-ha, cha-cha-cha, that's, like,

"three days' worth of protein right there."

And I'd walk back out and the lady was like,

"Listen, I'd love to get that steak to go."

And I'm like...

"Oh, oh, gosh, ma'am... Let me go check."

And I was like, "Oh, what do I do? What do I do?"

And I said, "I'm so sorry, I already threw it in the trash.

"I threw it in the trash."

And she said, "It's for my dog. It's fine.

"If you don't mind, just fish it out, put it in a box.

"It's my dog who'll eat it." I was like, "You bet, you bet.

"Of course, ma'am, absolutely. Will do."

And I walked in like, "Freddie! I need a porterhouse on the fly, man!

"Don't ask any questions, just give me one right now!"

And so he started cooking the steak and I was like...

I was so full of shit I went up to her and I was like,

"Ma'am, I'm going to get you that steak.

"They just took the garbage out to the dumpster.

"I'm going to roll up my sleeves, jump in that dumpster,

"and I'm going to get it for you because... What kind of dog?

"Pomeranian, no way, I love that. So sweet."

And so I walked out and I'm like, "Freddie, where's that steak?"

And she ended up being so, like,

happy that I would be willing to dig through the garbage for her dog

that she gave me a giant tip, and she left early because

she couldn't wait for the steak to be done, so I got another steak.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

We all have our dance moves that we break out, right?

So we were asking the audience about kind of their signature dance moves.

-So... Yes.

-I see cameras turning around.

-Everybody got really giggly all of a sudden.

-I see everyone... Yeah.

-OK, OK, let's do this.

-Yeah.

-Where's Caleb? There's Caleb!

Caleb's is really specific.

What's... Oh, take out your gum.

It's called spit the gum. It's...

It's really good.

Classy, Caleb, cos who knew I was coming to you next?

"They're doing that dancing item they told me about."

Was that in a tissue or anything or is your friend just holding that?

LAUGHTER

You're a good friend!

APPLAUSE

I've got to say, though, Caleb, I respect your humility.

Because you decided there's no way you could possibly do this

dance move and chew gum at the same time.

I respect that humility. He wants to nail the dance move.

-OK, let's hear it then. It is complicated.

-OK.

-OK, Caleb.

Tonight, Caleb will be attempting....

The daddy box step, with the Robert De Niro.

That's a lot! That's a lot.

OK, Caleb, out into the aisle.

Let's see if he can actually do this.

CHEERING

Dad box step with De Niro.

OK.

-OK, let's start the music.

-I need a second.

Oh, he needs a second! Stop the music!

-I just need to get the face going.

-OK.

-Oh, man!

-OK.

Oh!

OK, start the music, start the music, here we go.

MUSIC: Can't Stop The Feeling by Justin Timberlake

Very good!

Caleb, everybody!

CHEERING

You know what?

You can't...

He is so cool, he is so cool, doing that.

You can't...

-While you chew gum, you can't do it.

-No!

Sorry, that's the best bit. She's just offered it back to him.

LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH

APPLAUSE

Emma and Ryan, everyone loves you together in La La Land,

but this isn't the first time you've worked together.

You worked together in Gangster Squad...

In Crazy, Stupid, Love, we've even seen you dance together before.

Interesting pose on me.

I notice you're shirtless.

It's a double whammy.

But now, what happened?

-Because the dancing didn't go to plan in Crazy, Stupid, Love.

-Uh, no.

Oh, yeah.

-You mean the Dirty Dancing lift?

-That's what I mean.

-Yeah.

-Well...

-We were meant to do that and then... What happened?

-Oh, you don't remember?

-Well, I remember, but I'd like to hear you.

-You'd like to hear me tell it.

-Your version of it.

Listen, when I was...

LAUGHTER

-Quick story.

-When I was about seven years old... Quick story.

When I was about seven years old, I was in gymnastics class

and I was on these parallel bars

that are about six feet off the ground,

and I was standing on the top of the bars and the teacher was

holding me by the ankles.

And somehow or other, she let go.

And I was standing on this bar and I felt myself beginning to tip forward

and I put my arms in like this and I fell six feet

-to the ground and I broke both of my arms at the same time.

-Wow.

-Yeah.

And so I... You know, I spent a whole summer...

I lived in Arizona, which is, like, 120 degrees, which...

-I don't know what that is in Celsius.

-Hot.

Quite hot. So...

I had a cast and all the... You know, it was miserable.

It was the day before the last day of school.

Anyway, I had internalised this experience -

that's a really important part of this story.

It's an important detail.

I really know how to tell a story(!)

So, anyway...

GRAHAM LAUGHS

Years later we do Crazy, Stupid, Love.

I know that we're going to do the Dirty Dancing lift.

I don't know, however, that I have an internalised phobia of being,

you know, lifted over someone's head at the height of about six feet.

So I run to do the lift and Ryan lifts me over his head and I...

What did I do, Ryan?

I've never had this happen, but I imagine if

a possum fell out of a tree and tried to scratch your eyes out...

..it would be something similar.

It was a lot. And then, it was like a full meltdown.

-I mean, I had like a real meltdown.

-Yeah, you had to go...

You crawled in bed and watched...

-Labyrinth.

-Labyrinth.

We were in a house and she was like, "I have to go watch Labyrinth."

LAUGHTER

For an hour, I went and lay down crying, watching Labyrinth.

"This is so stupid." And then Ryan came in and was like, "Yeah, right?"

And then the directors came in and were like, "Yeah, right?

"We're going to use the double." And I was like, "Great.

"I love the way Jennifer Connelly has a revelation in this."

LAUGHTER

Lots of big action sequences and stunts and everything, and,

Michael Fassbender, you learnt some special skills,

I believe, for this film.

That's right, the parkour elements. So I got to perfect the roly-poly.

LAUGHTER

Now, you must have known how to do a roly-poly at one time in your life.

-Think you could do one?

-Not now! I'm 53!

Back when I was 13 I could do a roly-poly.

-You think you can do a roly-poly.

-No, I know, cos I have tried.

What is it? I don't know what is it.

A roly-poly, it's a head over heels thing.

-Yeah.

-Do you want to see?

-Oh, yes, yeah!

-Shall we try a roly-poly?

CHEERING

Well, I might tear this suit, though, that's the problem.

-You'll have to do it with me.

-But I can't do it!

-Yes, you can.

No, I will look...

I will look...

CHEERING

I will look like...

It will look like abuse in a nursing home.

It will look like you've just...

You've dragged someone out of bed and you're kicking them

down the corridor.

-Show her how exactly it works.

-You do it first.

-OK.

-You do it first.

-So, basically...

-I'm going to end up off the stage.

-Don't do that.

-But are you going to do a really fancy one?

-No, no.

So, basically, you have to keep your hand...

CHEERING

I could never do that!

NEVER do that!

-Try it.

-No, no, I used to do...

I thought you were just going to do that thing,

where you do that and just roll over.

No, but then you hurt yourself.

-I could never do that!

-Place your forearm down first

-and then tuck your head over.

-I can't do that!

-Try it.

I'll die!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

This is awful!

I'll just stand here, in case you go off the edge.

-But I wasn't really paying attention. So you...

-Yeah, so you...

-Hand, forearm...

-Yes.

-..and then tuck your shoulder over.

And stay on that side, don't go straight down your spine.

-Hand, arm, and just tuck your head in.

-OK.

Don't think about it too much.

LAUGHTER

-Hand... Hang on, hand, arm...

-Yeah.

-And then I just go over?

-This bit here.

-Yeah.

-Hand, this bit, and then just roll.

-OK.

-I won't get over!

-Yeah, you will.

CHEERING

That wasn't it.

That wasn't it!

APPLAUSE

That was amazing.

LAUGHTER

New Year's resolution.

I got to see something there from a third person's point of view

of something that I've been a part of many, many times,

which was I'm saying to Michael, "I don't think I can keep going,"

and you're like, "Yeah, you can."

Just really quietly and confidently telling you you can until you do.

It looked like an advert for Injury Lawyers 4 U.

-Have you had an accident at work?

-Yes, I have.

LAUGHTER

The thing is, I've heard you in interviews talking about the trials

-of being in one of those jets.

-Yeah.

-I mean, it's horrific.

Or would you be better now because you've done...?

I fly aerobatics now,

but when you first start flying, you get sick, you know.

-Like properly sick?

-Yeah, properly. Like, fill a bag sick, you know?

I know, the first day when... You know, you've flown in...

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-You get really sick.

-Yeah.

Yeah!

I flew with the Blue Angels and then I went...

When we were filming, my deal was, when I made my deal I said,

"I've got to fly in the F-14." I made it with the studio.

And I had to be filmed in the F-14 live.

And so I had to go through all the ejector seat training

and couldn't wait to fly.

So, in the morning, my first pilot that I flew with,

-his name was Bozo...

-LAUGHTER

-Yeah.

-Gives you confidence!

He says, like, "Hi, how are you? Bozo." "Bozo?"

When we were up there,

we had five minutes of film and we had to turn...

You know, we had to co-ordinate, he and I,

and we had other aeroplanes coming in on us and there was

air combat manoeuvres and very detailed briefings and everything.

So, we're going out and we're just right,

you know, I don't know,

a couple of feet off the deck in the desert

and we're just sweating, I'm sweating in the F-14 and...

cos we're doing heavy manoeuvres.

And we did a really heavy manoeuvre, we pulled like 9.5Gs and I...

You know, you go out, you've got a G suit on, but you,

you know, you just kind of black out.

And when I came to, it was like I had my barf bag

right here on the side of my thing.

And I was like, "OK, so now I'm going to go get it done,

"so I can do the next take."

So I leaned down like this, pulled it out I was like...

Just went down like this and he at that point decided to pull up!

And he pulled up so hard and for so long, I mean,

I can't do it now, my head, literally, was touching the ground

with the G-force and my spine.

And it pushed the togs right here, I was going like this...

-STRAINED:

-"Bozo, Bozo, Bozo..."

It was like, you know, I mean, he was going up forever.

So, finally he levelled off and I just, I had the bag in my hand,

and I was like, "Bozo!"

GRAHAM LAUGHS

"What's...? Didn't you see? I...

"You could've checked, you didn't tell me you were going to that.

"My head was, like, what..."

He says, "Yeah, they don't call me Bozo for nothing!"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

So, I had my barf bag, I held that, you know...

APPLAUSE

I see... Kelly, obviously not here, Diane not here.

So I thought, just a treat, if I...

I could be Kelly,

if we could recreate this very, very quickly.

So, if you stand up and get out...

No, just to there, just to there.

So, in what order...?

So you're down this end. You're down this end, Robert.

And then what is it? It's Robert, then I'd be in the gap,

then who's next? Then... Yep, yep.

-And then you're at the end.

-Yeah.

-OK. Now I do have some props.

I need to see this a bit clearer.

Embarrassingly, I'm dressed in almost exactly the same way.

That's right!

Did you know we were doing this, Ewan?

-You're like, "I've shaved my head especially for this!"

-Yeah!

-I did, yeah!

-That's for you, a little moustache and a cigarette.

Thank you very much.

-There's Spud's glasses.

-Wicked.

Now, Jonny, if you want to go...

Do you want to go full blonde?

-How can I not?!

-OK, do it, do it, do it. OK.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

I've got my Kelly wig.

OK. You're doing very well. OK, now...

Now, if we put up the graphics...

You're... No, no, you're that way. That way.

I'm this way.

So you're there.

Oh, no. Yep, you're good. OK.

And we're all doing it to that camera.

So, which one am I leaning against?

-I'm leaning towards you, aren't I?

-Seductively.

-Are we all doing it? Are we all doing it?

-Yeah...

CHEERING

We did it. Very good. Excellent!

Now, here's a thing, ladies and gentlemen.

Whoopi Goldberg, your first big film role,

-your first Oscar nomination, Color Purple...

-Yes.

Now, the audition for that, for Steven Spielberg,

did you do like a whole show for him?

Yeah, I'd been doing my show in New York,

and when we were just about finished,

my manager said,

"Oh, Steven Spielberg can't make it to the show in New York.

"He'd like you to come to LA and do your show at Amblin Studios",

which is his studio.

And I was like, "What?!"

They said, "He wants you to come." I said, "But why?"

They said, "Cos he wants to see the show."

I said, "Oh, OK."

Because I thought they were, I thought they were kidding.

And so, when I got to Los Angeles and got to the studio,

I thought, "Oh, maybe this... Maybe this is real!"

And so, I go in...

his secretary comes and he comes and gets me

and all I can think of is...

"Oh, shit!"

Wait, wait, there's, like, no other people there? I mean...

-No! It's just...

-There wasn't like a sound stage...

-No, it was just...

-..in all of the Amblin and friends?

No, they took me right into his office.

He's sitting there...

He's sitting there and he's smiling at me and he said,

"I want to see your show."

-Come on!

-I swear to God.

-Come on!

So, this is what happened.

So, I did the show and he laughed a lot,

he liked it, and then he said, "More."

And I had been instructed not to do any more than the show.

-So, what happened?

-Well...

I had one more piece, called Blee Tee,

B-L-E-E T-E-E,

about what would happen if ET landed in Oakland.

Now, Oakland, California, at the time, was a very, you know,

it was a rough area, you know, phones didn't work, so...

It was a whole thing, so Blee Tee lands,

he meets these two kids, they take him to the projects.

He wants to phone home, no phones work.

And he then falls in with some guys who are running prostitutes

and he gets a Jheri curl.

I don't know if you remember, Jheri curls were...

Black folks had this thing where we would put this stuff in our hair,

and it would make it look wet and drippy.

And he had a powder blue suit and he was running whores.

And when his people came to get him,

he shot them up, he killed him, cos he...

LAUGHTER

He didn't recognise, he didn't his people.

And the whole point of doing Blee Tee was to remind people

that it's OK to assimilate, but you can never forget who you are.

So, he's on the floor and I'm thinking, "This can't be good."

And then he said, "I want to talk to you,

"I want you to play Celie in The Color Purple."

I said, "Come on, man, what?!"

And he said "Yeah," and I burst into tears.

And I said, "I think I could really suck at this."

And he said, "Have you sucked before?"

APPLAUSE

And I said, "I got to tell you, yeah!"

He said, "Well, then, this one won't bother you."

-And that's how I got to make that movie.

-Wow, and aren't we glad!

Yes! APPLAUSE

Now, very quickly, as it's Christmas time,

and we have the nearest thing to royalty on our sofa.

Dame Helen, I wonder, would you do us a little Christmas message?

An inspirational Christmas message. Now, what we're doing,

if you move down to the end of the sofa,

so that the Christmas tree is in behind you.

-Oh, man!

-OK.

-It's like good production.

-There are words up there.

-Yes.

-OK.

-Are you all set. Whoa! Oh! Oh!

-Hey! Hey!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

We're not going to have a hey hey!

-It has to come when you're not expecting it.

-Yeah, yeah!

OK. So, if you look down, we've got some suitable music for you.

-Here we go.

-OK.

NATIONAL ANTHEM PLAYS

Hello.

At this time of celebration and togetherness,

we have the chance to reflect on the year gone by

and I think we can all agree

that 2016 has been a big pile of shit.

LAUGHTER

So, my advice to you is drink responsibly and be merry.

Have a very happy Christmas but, above all,

go see Collateral Beauty, out on Boxing Day,

at all good cinemas.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And that's Helen. Out.

Oh, dear.

Now, a lot of people don't know this,

but Eddie is in fact a highly-trained master magician.

-Are you a member of the Magic Circle?

-Um...no.

LAUGHTER

-Wow!

-That moment was one of deep despair and loss.

It was a dream when I was a child, but never happened.

-Was it really?

-Please tell me you're about to present me

-with some Magic Circle....

-I know that you can do amazing magic,

-because we have here just a totally ordinary colouring book.

-Oh!

-This is totally ordinary.

-Oh!

But Eddie can do magic with it.

-Isn't that right, Eddie?

-I mean...

Are you sitting comfortably, children?

-No!

-Oh!

It's totally ordinary,

-but you mustn't touch it!

-Nothing unusual, at all.

-OK.

-Eddie's got it.

-So excited.

So, I loved Paul Daniels.

You probably won't know who Paul Daniels is.

The late Paul Daniels was an amazing magician, who used to be on telly

every Saturday night, and I was obsessed with him.

This is my moment to be on television doing magic.

-Ben, are you ready?

-I'm ready.

This is a colouring book, there is nothing weird, odd or bizarre

about it, other than it says the word "magic" on the front of it.

There is actually nothing in the colouring book. I'm showing you.

-Do you see?

-There is nothing.

-Nothing in it.

-But, Bryan...

-Yes.

Will you blow on the colouring book?

I beg your pardon?

No, harder than that.

LAUGHTER

Come on! Blow hard!

APPLAUSE

I'm going to blow hard. OK. Ah!

Let's see what that's done, shall we?

Oh! Oh, wow!

Pictures, don't you know!

-Wow.

-That is some crazy magic!

-There's more, there's more.

-More?!

-Don't stop me right there.

There's more!

OK, so the next stage is...

-Now we have pictures, Ben, we have pictures.

-I can see the pictures.

-Will you blow on it?

-I will.

-Give me your full Smaug.

-I will blow hard.

-Pah!

-OK, good.

Was it hard enough?

I should do panto! Oh, yes!

-Was it hard enough?

-Look, Mum. We've talked about this, Mum!

-Let's see.

-No, it wasn't hard enough.

-Oh!

But I'm a wizard.

-And I've got my wand.

-Oh! CHEERING

That was good!

-It's been sitting there awkwardly for the whole show.

-Don't spoil it!

Sorry. And maybe, for full-on Marvel, like, wizarding crossover,

-the potential for Doctor Strange...

-We might get sued for this.

Will you give us a spell, Ben?

-Aza-ka-zham!

-Good!

-Very good.

Actually, better than I did.

Drumroll?

There you go!

Oh, my! Oh! Oh! Oh!

APPLAUSE

That's good!

Now, Nadiya, so, Bake Off, winning Bake Off, I think...

I mean, I think... You are everyone's favourite winner.

-I mean, that final was just so emotional and lovely.

-Yeah.

-Are you recognised everywhere you go now?

-Yes. Yes.

-Everywhere?

It's not a bad thing.

You know, people are lovely, people are so nice. Some not so nice,

but mostly nice.

-Um... And...

-LAUGHTER

Yeah, mostly nice.

But I recently went...

And I'm not shy, we've all got to do it. I went for my smear test...

All been there. LAUGHTER

Yes, yes.

-And, as you do.

-Yep.

And it's that God-awful fear, where you think,

"Oh, I really don't want to go. I just want to get this over with.

"I've shaved my legs. Let's do this, come on."

And then, you turn up and I just thought,

"Please don't recognise me, please don't recognise me.

"I hope she doesn't recognise me. Just go in, get it done, get out."

-There I was, speculum...

-LAUGHTER

..and she said, "So, is Paul Hollywood really that good looking?"

LAUGHTER

-That's a way to get you to relax!

-LAUGHTER

Comes at you with the Eiffel Tower.

APPLAUSE

I wonder what made her think of him.

-The beard?

-LAUGHTER

-Too much?

-Yeah, maybe!

But the thing is, we didn't get this. I don't think we got it here,

called The Voyage Of The Mimi.

How old were you when you presented Voyage Of The Mimi?

I did it over a period of time. I'm not sure which clips you have,

there's some where I'm ten and some where I'm 13.

-I think this might be a later...

-I was even 14, when I came to England.

You might be 14 in this one, cos this is in England.

This is to just give you a taste of Voyage Of The Mimi.

Hi, I'm Ben Affleck.

Archaeologists, like the ones in the second Voyage Of The Mimi,

are a lot like detectives, but their clues are hundreds,

even thousands, of years old and they can never really be sure

if they've solved their mysteries, you know,

never really know what was happening back in the past.

Well, there's a man here, 60 miles south-west of London, England,

who's doing some archaeology that might help provide some new clues

for some old mysteries.

Oooh. APPLAUSE

Beautiful work.

Very relaxed.

-I knew how to set up a story.

-You just looked really relaxed.

Those jeans said, "Hands in pockets," didn't they?

You know when you get a laugh just on saying, "I'm Ben Affleck."

I was a very gangly young man, who came to England and was...

There was a documentary, I think, about Greenwich Mean Time.

I'd never been to England before,

I was all excited about the time difference.

-It was a big thrill.

-Now, when you were talking,

obviously you're a very bright man,

did you understand what they were saying to you?

No, it was totally beyond me. I had no idea.

They worked me to the bone, so I was half asleep all the time.

They would get to my reaction shots, at the end of the day,

you know, I was just kind of going like, "Yeah."

You are a very good actor, but I have to say,

you do seem a little unengaged in some of your listening shots.

We just put together a few, a selection.

Also, so, there are two things to enjoy here.

It's Ben Affleck's unengaged listening face and the experts, who,

I don't know who you are, experts, but you are amazing.

I'm not really involved with the physics of these machines.

My job is to design these big magnetic devices.

So those oscillations in skin temperature represent turning on,

sweating, evaporative cooling.

Turning off, sweating,

waiting until the skin temperature gets hot again.

And then it cycles.

What happens to us here in the stone yard, Ben,

is to actually follow the life of one stone in particular,

right the way from the quarry,

as we get it here in the rough block...

Other animals pant,

breathing rapidly over their tongue and mucous membranes

to get evaporative cooling there and some through the foot pads.

There's a little bit of temperature and heat exchange through

their foot pads, but mostly panting.

APPLAUSE

-You did well.

-Yeah, that is my... I still use that face.

That look is all over Pearl Harbor.

Animals, I know you've talked about animals a lot,

because you were very young...

You always were interested in nature and animals.

I've always been fascinated with science and nature.

That's probably my first love, you know,

before film, or comedy, or even music.

Yeah, and...

..I remember when I was about...

Along with that, growing up in my family,

everyone was winding everyone up.

I was the youngest of four, and I remember once when my sister,

she must've been about, I don't know, 25 or something.

I was, like, eight.

And they used to take me out in the woods.

And I used to be foraging.

I used to love insects and I knew about space and everything.

And I found a perfect little discarded snakeskin.

And I picked it up and my sister was scared of it.

And I suddenly thought, "I've got her." And I was teasing her.

And she was going, "Put it down, it's got germs."

And I was running around chasing her.

And she went, "You're not coming in the car with that."

So eventually I left it there. And then when I was about 15,

I was at home with a few of my mates

and I decided to wind her up and I started teasing her about

how she was scared of snakes, I chased her with a snakeskin.

And she chose that time to tell me that I'd actually been running

around with a used condom.

LAUGHTER

So, yeah...

"Look, it left its poison!"

Fifty Shades Darker, but, actually, this isn't darker.

It's more romantic, I would say.

Yeah, I think that's probably true, yeah.

Yes. There's probably more sex in it...

GIGGLING

LAUGHTER

More sex?! Jamie doesn't speak.

No.

I make noises.

I make, like...American-accented noises throughout. No...

Yeah, that's actually a question, though - do they let you do that?

When you're doing the scenes, does the director say,

"More vocalisation" or do they say less?

-There's often stuff...

-JAMIE CHUCKLES

-It's like...

-KEANU SCREAMS

-They're like, "No, that's not good."

-No-one comes like that.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Yeah, they do. Yeah, they do, man.

There are some scenes where they will play music, maybe...

If it's a wide shot and it's not all...

It's the closest we get to sort of, kind of,

just going for it in one piece. They'll play music or something.

My temptation is always just to try to make Dakota laugh.

Sometimes I'll do things like...

When there's a moment where I'm meant to, you know, orgasm,

I'll be like...

# Doodle-do do-do-do! #

LAUGHTER

See, people do THAT, Keanu.

Which, by the way, if they don't, they should.

It's like a Ryanair flight when a Ryanair flight lands,

# Doodle-do do-do-do. #

-Yeah.

-APPLAUSE

And actually there's a link between Mo and Tom.

Because the last time you were on, you remember those memes

-people would do, the Mo Farah running away from things?

-Yeah.

-So, Mo Farah running away from a bear.

-Oh!

Mo Farah in a bull run.

Mo Farah in the Sound Of Music.

And there is one of Mo Farah running away from Forrest Gump.

-I like that.

-One of the reasons, like,

I'll always remember Tom and obviously it's amazing what he does,

is when you go out for a run, "Run, Forrest, run!"

-But it's a nice thing, it's a compliment.

-It's lovely.

You've got to think, you've gone to all that trouble of becoming

a famous runner, and they're still calling you another name.

How hard is Mo?

Run, Farah, run. Maybe that could work. See, there you go.

-Run, Farah, run. Take it, folks. It is my gift unto you.

-They are.

Actually, could you do a lovely thing, Tom,

could you do a lovely thing?

Just cos Mo's here - he's the greatest runner in the world.

Could you do the line from Forrest Gump where

he suddenly discovers how much he likes running?

I would be happy to do it,

but you must show the lady with the cue card,

cos otherwise people will think that I've actually memorised this.

Show the lady with the cue card, cut over to her. Just show... See?

There she is. She's there.

I will in fact do it. OK, it is...

-This is for you, Mo.

-This is for you, Mo.

"Now you wouldn't believe me if I told you, but I could run

"like the wind blows.

"From that day on, if I was going somewhere, I was RUNNING."

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

It's going to haunt you for the rest of your days.

Don't embrace it too much.

It makes us all so happy. It makes us happy!

And the interview where you talked about your approach to the race,

the phrases you used in that -

so, explain to people what you said in that.

-Do you know which one?

-Which one?

-What did we say?

-About going A to B as fast as you can.

-Oh, yeah.

-Yeah.

It is a fairly simple sport, like.

There's a start line and a finish line.

Don't complicate things, like.

People do complicate it, like.

Your man says "go" at the start, and there's a hooter at the finish,

and if you can get from "go" to the hooter,

-then...

-No bullshit, like.

-Yeah.

And then this thing about closing your eyes and pull like a dog.

-Yeah.

-That phrase, who came up with that?

-That was Paul.

-That was mine, yeah.

-Is "pull like a dog" - is that a phrase?

-No!

It is now, apparently!

It's everywhere now in Ireland.

-Yeah.

-It is.

-Like, you'll be walking down the street, there,

in Dublin or somewhere,

and a fella would shout across the road, like, "Pull like a dog."

-"Pull like a dog," yeah.

-The best ever!

Lads will be encouraging inside a nightclub,

"Close your eyes and pull like a dog."

Have you ever had a member of your desired sex

tell you to pull like a dog?

LAUGHTER

The questions are getting harder now.

But... But wasn't there a guy that came up to you in a...?

That's right. Some fella came up to Paul inside a nightclub

-in Skibbereen, like, and he had a...

-Oh, a tattoo, yeah!

Like proper ink tattoo, like,

across his full forearm saying, "Pull like a dog".

-Wow.

-I was like, that was nuts, like.

He may live to regret that.

Probably wanking away, there.

APPLAUSE

And the dance troupe you were in, can you tell us about it?

Because, apparently, young dancers, they can be quite vicious.

It's a cut-throat business.

And I had to get out.

LAUGHTER

I was on some kind of a Canadian Star Search,

and I somehow made it to the finals,

and my main competition were these two...

twins who were tap dancers,

-and they were dancing to Phil Collins' Two Hearts.

-Ooh!

And they had big heart-shaped bows and they were just...

They were the ones to beat so...

I remember wishing them luck and going on stage

and I was getting ready to start.

I was dancing to Everybody Dance Now by C+C Music Factory, of course.

-Mm, yeah.

-And I'm getting ready to start.

This is how you start a winning dance number, if you want to know.

I'm going to get out of your hand's way. Go ahead, go up.

And I look up into the...

just off stage and the two twins are standing there

like the twins from The Shining.

And they're just going like this...

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

And I was like, "All right, this means war," so I just shimmied

my way all the way to that trophy, to that tiny little trophy.

No, because, is this the same troupe?

I was going to say it's an all-girl troupe but obviously it's not,

-you're in it.

-Right.

-But...

-Thank you.

-But you are the only boy in it.

-Yeah, that was the...

-Was that the...?

-That was the point.

-That was the gimmick.

They let me dance there for free because I was a guy,

because if you had a guy, you would win.

-Oh, OK.

-Yeah.

-So are you ready to see...?

AUDIENCE: Yes!

I believe you're dancing to Cathy Dennis' classic Touch Me.

And how old are you in this one?

Old enough to know better.

LAUGHTER

Enjoy.

LAUGHTER

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hey, it's nearly time to go,

but we've just got time to go for the visit

-to the Big Red Chair. Hello!

-Hello.

-Hello! Hi, what's your name?

-James.

-James, lovely James. And what do you do?

-I'm a civil servant.

A civil servant, lovely. In London here?

-Yes, in London.

-And are you from the London area?

No, I live in London, but I'm originally from Suffolk.

-Oh... Oh!

-Yeah, mate!

-It's a Suffolk massive.

LAUGHTER

What school did you go to?

Erm, so I went to Brandeston.

Oh, sweet, yeah. I went there for primary school.

-Yeah.

-OK.

-Did we know each other?

-Yeah.

-Did we?

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I'm not wearing my glasses.

-Have a look.

-I'm not wearing my glasses.

-What was it, James?

-Hello, yeah.

-James.

-Yes.

-Mee?!

-That's the one.

-What the fuck?!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-You do know him?

-He was my best mate growing up!

-You're kidding?

He was my best mate growing up!

-And now you're talking to him on a monitor.

-I'm not...

-I'm not wearing my specs, and he's like...

-Oh, my God.

What the hell? Can we not flip him and just get out here?

-Yeah, do you have a story or...?

-Yeah, I did, but it's up to you.

-JOSH:

-Please let it be about Ed.

-It is about Ed.

-OK, tell your story...

-OK, cool.

-..then we'll flip you and...

-I'm going to sit with you.

Oh, OK. Tell the story, tell the story.

OK, cool. So, yeah, as Ed was saying...

-This is so random, mate!

-I know, it's really weird.

Yeah, when we were younger, Ed used to come round my house,

and, yeah, like you were saying, we used to be quite good mates.

-Best mates.

-And I remember one time,

one time he was coming round for tea,

and I had forgotten to tell Mum he was a vegetarian.

At that point, anyway.

So Mum cooked, I think it was sausages and mash for tea.

And Ed said, you know, after the meal,

"These are the best sausages I've ever tasted,

"where did you get them from?"

And Mum had to lie, cos she had no clue,

and so, yeah...

-That was the first...

-16 years later, I'm really sorry!

The first time I ever had meat.

And also the first time I ever watched a Simpsons episode

-was round your house as well.

-Yeah, that's right.

-OK. Well done, we're going to flip you now.

-Come in!

We can be reunited back stage, OK?

-Put him on the couch!

-OK. OK, there he goes.

-APPLAUSE

-That's nuts.

Bring him on, bring him on, he wants to meet him.

I feel like Cilla Black on Surprise Surprise.

There he is!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Come on! Have a seat, have a seat, have a seat, do!

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING