Episode 7 Top Gear USA

-'Now on Top Gear, can we learn to sell used cars?'

-Test drive a car and you get a free pony ride.

'Can a car be sporty and economical?'

Oh, what happened to saving the planet? TYRES SCREECH

'And Tim Allen rips up our track.'

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Welcome to Top Gear. On this show, nobody will find true love, nobody will find their real father,

but if you like cars, this is where you belong.

I'm Adam Ferrara, that's Tanner Foust and this is Rutledge Wood.

And this is a Honda CRX. Back in the 80s, they made three versions of this.

The HF, which got incredible mileage, over 50 miles to the gallon.

The DX, which is what I bought when I was 17.

And the car that I really wanted, which was the sports version, the SI.

Honda's got a new coupe that they think combines all three,

affordability, sportiness and fuel economy, into one single model.

'San Francisco, famous for its bridges, outdated modes of transport,

'Crayola stores, and home to some of the steepest city streets in the world.

'The perfect place to test Honda's new compact.'

This is the 2011 Honda CRZ.

The letters stand for compact renaissance zero,

which is a new-age way of saying, "We've been down this road before in the 80s."

So is this the new CRX?

'Now, the Honda CRZ looks great. It's a foot longer and four inches taller than the CRX

'but it does maintain the same basic wedge shape.

'It's got a racy front end, a low centre of gravity,

'it's got a stick shift so you know it's a serious driver's car.

'And the price? Well, it starts at just a little over 19,000.

'The interior has that arty hipster feel in a mass-produced Honda kind of way.

'Lots of shiny buttons and electronics.

'There's just two seats, and behind them is a weird space

'with a sign on it that says, "If you sit here, you'll die."

'But here's the most surprising thing about the car. It's a hybrid.

'No, seriously, it is.

'Honda has set out to break the mould of boring, hemp shirt wearing, hydroponic plant growing hybrids

'with this sporty-looking ride.'

Every time you see a Prius on the road or an Insight, you think nerd-mobile.

'Well, in this car, it doesn't look like a hybrid. I mean, it looks like a fun little car.

'So, how fast does the CRZ hit 60?'

26 miles an hour in first gear.

Now 36. Boy it's a rocket ship.

49, 50.

50. 50. I'm bored.

'This is a cruel joke. A car that looks this good shouldn't be so slow.

'It's like being locked in a room with Eva Longoria

'but all you're allowed to do is watch her play sudoku.

'But it is a two-seater, so you must be getting, like, 1,000 miles per gallon, right?

'I think you'll be surprised.'

If you want to save the world, you should probably just buy one of these,

cos a Prius will get 50 miles a gallon.

This CRZ will get 37. But...

Can the Prius do that?

'Finally, I found the key to the CRZ's chastity belt.' How you doing? It's a hybrid.

'What Honda has done is given us three different driving modes that will dramatically change

'the way the car drives, unlike the buttons in the Prius and Insight.

'At the flick of a switch, it's like you're back in the CRX SI.

'In fact, you can reach 60 miles an hour in just eight seconds.'

Can you feel that? That's the electric motor kicking in, giving you 56 extra foot pounds of torque.

'So it seems like the perfect car for someone who wants pretty good gas mileage

'but isn't quite ready to give up on life.

'But we needed a challenge.'

To see if it can stand up to the rigours of city life,

we're going to run it against something even greener. Bicycles.

'But not just any bicycles. Nope. We'll be racing two pro free-ride mountain bikers

'who know San Francisco like the back of their hand.

'I'll be racing them to settle the question, "Has Honda succeeded in making a hybrid sporty?"

But since I don't know my way around town,

the producers have been gracious enough to give me a navigator.

-Hiya, pal.

-Hey. Of course, a guy from New York helping me around San Francisco.

Look at this. How hard could it be? It's a grid. It's a foggy grid. We got this.

'The race would cover 13 miles.

'From the starting line here at Twin Peaks,

'we would wind downhill through the streets of San Francisco into the Warehouse District,

'up and down the hilliest part of the city

'and then along the waterfront to Fort Point at the foot of the Golden Gate Bridge.'

-You ready, paperboys?

-We're good.

-Go!

That's cute. Keep pedalling! You're going the wrong way!

-Whoa!

-Adam, get in the car!

'It was clear that the paperboys were going to play dirty.

'They took the early lead.

'But we had 13 miles and San Francisco's steep hills to reel them back in.'

What are the chances we can lose to two guys on bikes? We're in a car.

-Yeah, but we're in a hybrid.

-This is a sporty hybrid.

-It's got a six-speed.

-A hybrid with six-speed? It's like putting a spoiler on a golf cart.

'A mile in and we still hadn't caught up with the bikers.

'I didn't know whether to blame the car or Mrs Doubtfire's driving.'

-No, there's shift points.

-You're killing me.

-There's shift points.

-I don't care. Push sport and go!

All right.

Bikes are in the park. Come on, let's go.

'Finally, we got them in our sights.

'Now it was time to see what the CRZ was made of.'

-Where are they?

-There they are.

-Holy crap!

Get in the bike lane! Does this go any faster?

Oh! What happened to saving the planet?

'We had taken the lead. But in the excitement, Adam's map-reading went south.'

Uh-oh. All right, we're at Castro.

-Two guys in a two-seater hybrid. We should blend in just fine.

-Mm.

It clearly is a colourful part of town.

-Long live the rainbow. Looks just like your dash.

-It changes colour for different moods.

-You have a mood dash?

-Yeah! Like, if you're in economy, it's green, like now.

Give it a little gas, it turns to blue.

-And then if you really step on it, red.

-All right. I want to see nothing but red. Come on, let's go.

'Adam's diversion had set us back

'and the bikers were racing ahead.

'But I was still confident. Perhaps too confident.'

You want to run them? It's a hybrid. I know you're in an M3.

-I'm going.

-TYRES SCREECH

-See, look at that smile on your face.

-You got a little bit.

-You ever smiled in a Prius? No.

-You ever smiled in an Insight?

-Nope.

-No way.

'Five miles in, we hit the warehouse district.

'And there they were.'

They're right there! Go, go, go!

'Since they seemed to know where they were going better than Adam, I decided to follow them.'

-Oh, crap!

-You're not going to make it!

'Bad idea.'

'We were halfway into the race and the paperboys had the edge.'

-Can you see them?

-Yeah, they're around.

-Keep your eyes peeled.

'The bikes might be able to hop, skip and jump their way through every shortcut,

'but there was one thing they wouldn't be able to trick their way out of.

-'The hills.'

-Wow!

-They're never going to make this.

-Holy moly.

-Oh, that's them.

-Get it red. Get it red!

Bye, fellas.

'The race was ours cos they just had legs

'and we had sport mode.'

Oh, man, it's like Six Flags! Hold on! Your wheel, dude. Your wheel.

'The hills turned out to be fun and we were back in the lead.

'But Rutledge was easily distracted.'

-Look at that.

-What?

-The car shut off.

Foot's on the brake, I put it in neutral, we're at traffic lights, car shuts off.

-So we're saving gas.

-Yes. So maybe that is kind of cool.

-And it starts up when to step on the clutch?

-Yes.

'Downhill, the 12-year-olds had the advantage.'

'Uphill, we had the edge. Or we would have

'if Rutledge didn't stop every time he found something he liked about the car.'

Check this out. It's got hill assist.

Watch this. Take my foot off the brake, the car doesn't slide. Then we go.

'I was loving the CRZ. It was the perfect car for a city like San Francisco.

'And I mean that in a good way. We were attacking hills, spinning tyres,

'whilst still getting around 30 miles per gallon.

'This was a race and I was going to win it in a hybrid.'

-I'm sure.

-Where?

-Right here, right in front of you.

-Hey, Adam...

-OK, OK.

-..the shortest distance between two points...

-Is a straight line.

-Not this!

-You're really not helping.

-Oh, they're behind us!

-Well, don't let them get in front of us.

They're hitting the car!

They went down the stairs!

Man!

'The bikes were just ahead of us, but we were leaving the hills.

'And the finish line at Fort Point was only a mile and a half away.'

-Look, look! Bridge in fog.

-Yep, there it is.

'Our confidence was at an all-time high.' We're going 35. There's no way they can go that fast.

-Look at that wind!

-Wow! Look at the kites!

There.

Take the hill. Let's go, let's go, let's go.

-I don't see them.

-Come on!

-Come on, come on.

Don't look to the right.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

You guys got absolutely beat down by the BMX Bandits.

-Yeah.

-First off, they are mountain bikers and they are some of the best in the world.

Second, it was in San Francisco. They need to rename it "The City Of Stop Signs." Ridiculous.

The car did everything it was supposed to do. There's nothing wrong with it.

It's everything great that the original CRX was.

It's got the HF, that's the econ for the good mileage.

The normal, which was like the DX. And then the sport, which was the SI. This is a hybrid was attitude.

-Like RuPaul.

-LAUGHTER

The CRX was just better at all that stuff.

The HF got 50 miles to the gallon instead of 37.

And on the other side, the SI was actually, like, a quick car that you wanted to have.

-This I don't think has any of that.

-Well, you're getting all three of those cars for one low price.

-And they all suck.

-LAUGHTER

Did you know that in the US, the used car business is a third of a trillion dollar business every single year?

Now that is a lot of cash, and it gave our producers an idea.

Could they turn us into used car salesmen to get a piece of that action?

To find out, we took £3,000 of our own money and bought a used car

which we would then try to sell at a profit.

Whoever made the most money was the winner. Simple. Or so we thought.

'Glendale, California

'may not be what you would call a classically beautiful part of America.

'But they've got the boulevard of cars.

'60 dealerships in just ten blocks.

'That's more toothy smiles per mile than the Great Barrier Reef.

'It would be the perfect place for us to learn the used car trade and make some cash.

'This is Bobby. He's a used car salesman.

'He was also naive enough, I mean, kind enough

'to let us use his lot as our base.

'This was going to be easy!'

So I'm in a competition to sell more used cars than Adam and Tanner

and I've got tons of variety here and let me tell you why I'm going to win.

Because I've been flipping cars my entire life.

Ever since I could drive, it was, "How much can I pay for that and how much can I sell it for?"

But selling used cars is all about knowing your market.

So let's pick this car. This is a Mazda3.

It's a good car, it's sporty, economical. So who would I sell that to?

Well, it's not a huge car, so I would say someone under six feet tall with short children.

The United States. Germany.

Japan. It's Epcot Centre!

The BMW 3 Series - for girls with wealthy parents.

If you're the kind of person who's confused about everything in your life,

I've got the answer for you. Dodge Caliber.

If you're having a mid-life crisis on a budget, this is your car.

You know, if Elvis had lived, he'd drive a CTS.

You want incognito? I have it. The Chevy Malibu.

Looks like a rent-a-car. You know why? It was!

If you're a middle-aged man with an over-controlling wife,

2005 Mini Cooper, reduced, best price, under 40,000 miles.

Look at that price. 6,999. And that's just one year in maintenance.

-HORN TOOTS

-Hey! We're selling everything.

'We sat down with Bobby, who gave us some of his trade secrets.'

-This is a right-now business.

-Yeah.

-Cos once they leave here, there's at least about 100 dealerships.

Your odds of getting them back are not very good.

So once you find out their needs and wants, then you just focus on those.

When you go in the back, "Let me talk to my manager," there's nobody there, right?

-No, there's somebody there.

-Bobby!

-It's usually the next room...

-Bobby!

-There's someone there.

-You don't go to the bathroom, come back, "Sorry, nothing I can do"?

-Sometimes.

When I look at you, I notice two things. The pen and the Bluetooth.

Will those make me appear important?

Cos to me, it says, "This guys sells cars".

The pen is just a writing utensil.

Does promotion work? Like a promotion... Free hotdogs, let's say.

That seems to bring people in all the time. Action creates action, you know?

-Action creates action.

-Mm-hm.

-Action creation action.

-What's some other lingo we need to know?

-There is an ass for every seat.

There's an ass for every seat.

-That's what you should...

-Or a lot of ass for one seat.

'First things first, we needed cars to sell.

'However, Bobby's were way too expensive for us.'

'But he told us that there was a car auction going on where we could find some real gems.

'It wasn't quite what we were expecting.

'Pebble Beach Concours d'Elegance this was not.'

Ladies and gentlemen, the auction is cash only.

You must come and pay in full for your vehicles by 2pm.

'It turned out that most of these cars had been involved in crimes.

'The good news was, the cars started at 350.

'The bad news was that none of them were very good.

'So we needed to save some cash to fix them up and to market them,

'or at least find a way of distracting potential buyers.'

An old Prelude. Has keys, will run.

Automatic.

High school graduation ribbons on the dash, that's so sad.

Ooh. Now, see, this one's got an added bonus.

There's two baby seats in the back.

I like the Pontiac. It's clean. Look at the interior.

Nice and clean, no cigarettes, no cigarette burns, no bullet holes.

Wow. They haven't even taken the CDs out of this thing.

That's about all it's worth, though, is the ABBA CD in the back seat.

The Lexus I like, the Pontiac I like. But they all go late.

-I've got to find something.

-They always put the better ones late.

-I need something early.

Now we're talking.

914. So this replaced the 356, you know, as the Porsche.

Wasn't the most popular car. Looks like maybe it burned a little bit, but...

Wow. This is rough.

-Are you really looking for a car?

-Yeah.

-No kidding?

-Yeah, I got to find one.

-Something like this, what would you pay for it?

-No more than a grand.

-So if you paid 1,000 bucks for this, cleaned it up, what would you sell it for?

-About 15.

-OK.

The nice thing about it, though, is it's simple. Porsches are simple.

It's just got a little four-cylinder in there, not a lot of electronics, nothing to go wrong.

This thing could be a runner.

I also like this Acura. The body looks clean.

The interior... The front seat's clean.

I can't see how many miles on it, but it does run.

I think this is the car that I want.

But...

..too many people are looking at this car right now. I need it to spit some flame or some smoke or something.

Make some gestures like that, like it's bad. Like this.

Er, I think a couple of people saw that.

All right, I'm going for the Lexus. I tried to throw everyone off the trail.

I know it's the last one, and that's risky,

but it's the nicest car here, and I need a nice car to sell.

Ladies and gentlemen, here we go...

'The auction was just beginning. It was going to be a while before our cars were up.'

Sold. 620 going twice. Last chance. Sold.

400, going twice.

-'Finally it was time for my car to be auctioned off.'

-Porsche 914.

'I had hoped I'd convince other interested people that it was a dog.

'We only had three grand each and I needed most of that to fix up my car and market it.

'Early signs were bad.

'Clearly my plan hadn't worked.'

1,550.

16. 16.

1,650. 1,650. 17.

-17. 1,750.

-These guys are just going freaking crazy on it.

1,800. Going to go once.

1,800 going twice. Last chance.

1,850. 1,850 going to go once.

1,850 going twice. Sold.

-1,850.

-Yeah.

1,850, are you kidding me?

-How did it go? I didn't see.

-Er, I bought it.

-At?

-Great!

-1,850.

-American?

-Yeah, not Canadian.

-Wow! That's a lot of money. Who was doing all the bidding?

-I don't know. It was like a dance party around the thing.

-We were behind you.

-It was hard for the guy to see our bids.

-Cos I was up at 1,600.

-You were bidding?

-It's a great car!

-That was you, you bastards!

'The Acura was up next.'

1987 Acura Legend.

White in colour. Brought in for unlicensed driving.

I have a 400 opening bid.

410. Looking for 420. 420. 430. 440.

-440. 450. 460. 470. 480. 490.

-'Things were looking good.

'My 1987 Acura Legend managed to slip under everyone's radar.'

870 going twice. Last chance. Sold, 870.

'Adam and I both had cars, but Rutledge had put all of his eggs

'in an 18-year-old Lexus basket. It was the last lot sale of the day.'

Lot number 51, 1992 Lexus LS400.

'He has to get the car at any cost to stay in the competition.'

450. 5. 550.

-6. 650.

-'Unfortunately for him,

'he wasn't the only one who was interested in driving around in an outdated Japanese Mercedes.'

-950.

-'As the price continued to rise, I was there to provide support.'

You have to get this car! You have to get this!

-2,350.

-That's it. Go!

-That's too much.

2,350 going once. 2,350 going twice. Last chance. Sold. 2,350.

-Ooh!

-'Finally, we had our cars.

'Rutledge had blown through almost all his money.

'Tanner spent 1,850 on his toy sports car.

'And me, I only spent 870,

'which meant I had 1,230 to fix it up and promote it.'

I'll be honest, I've never been a Lexus owner before, and it feels good. I feel fancy.

You shouldn't be an owner for too long. You have to sell it.

I think the important thing to do now is get the hell out of this neighbourhood.

'The auction rules dictated that we couldn't drive our cars before we bought them.'

'So the 15-mile drive to the lot was the first chance we had

'to get to know our investments better.'

Wow.

This is sketchy.

I can't find first gear or reverse.

I'm telling you right now, I cannot believe we're going to get on the freaking highway.

The air conditioning works! Shift's pretty smooth.

Ride's pretty nice. It's comfortable.

I'm going to make a fortune.

'At £870, my car seemed a steal.

'And there were a few unexpected extras thrown in.'

She smoked.

She smoked pot.

-Oh, yeah.

-HE LAUGHS

'Over in the Lexus, the extra £1,500 Rutledge spent on his granddad car

'made the drive a little less eventful.'

It feels great! They put a lot of effort into this car.

They started working on the idea of the LS in 1983.

The project took five years and I think it cost just over a billion dollars.

That's a lot of engineering just to make sure the car did well on the American market.

Come on, baby. Up to speed we go.

This is so dangerous. A giant freaking gas rig almost running over me.

You know, you never realise how big the other cars are out on the road

till you're driving a small one. Good lord, we are going to die.

No, no, stay there, Mr Motorcycle Cop, stay there.

Why you got to get out now?

There's a joint in the ashtray and it's not mine.

I swear to God, officer.

-Thank you.

-There are a lot of great things about this car, don't get me wrong.

It's known to be one of the better handling 70s sports cars out there.

Part of it is the mid engine. The engine is packed right in here.

It's a boxer engine, so it sits really low,

it's really small and flat and lightweight.

And the car only weighs 2,100 pounds completely wet.

Performance-wise, it's really not bad.

Take away the fact that it doesn't have a transmission or first gear or reverse...

..and you've got a car that you might be able to sell.

'We made it back to the car dealership where we had the night to make our cars more saleable.'

'Sales day had arrived and now it was time to sit down with Bobby, our professional car salesman,

'and lay out our marketing plans.'

-It is a sedan, it's a family car.

-Mm-hm.

I thought, "OK, I've got to reach everybody" so I'm going to have a barbecue.

-Everybody loves barbecue and it always gets everyone's attention.

-Second, free pony rides.

-Nothing wrong with that, either.

-Are the guys on lot going to clean up the poop?

-Yeah, probably not.

-What if I give them barbecue?

-They might actually do it for that.

I was thinking about bringing some models out. What do you think about that?

I think it's a good idea. It'll get a whole bunch of guys on the lot.

By the same token, you may piss off a whole bunch of women.

But as long as you accomplish what you want to accomplish, that's all that matters, right?

-Which is...

-To sell the car.

-Yeah. With the models around, I might forget that.

-So I want a big advertising, marketing strategy.

-OK.

-I want to get the guys that spin the signs.

-Yeah, a sign spinner could work.

-And an airplane.

Kind of a big airplane pulling a banner.

So what if they get something they could do everyday, like a reward for buying a car.

You know, like, "Buy a car...something."

Just to get them in. And then I'll steer them to the Acura.

-That could definitely work. Good luck.

-I appreciate.

'Time to sell some cars.'

Gentlemen, I am, er, completely perplexed by what you are wearing,

but this is what a car salesman wears if he wants to sell cars.

You're like a salesman, only smaller.

-Thank... OK.

-Like a shoe salesman.

Thank you. I just got these shoes, actually.

-You remember that sad little white 914 that had potential on its own?

-Yes.

Well, feast your eyes...on this.

-It's a sad orange 914.

-No, this is excitement with some wheels on it.

What did you do besides paint it a ridiculous orange?

It's painted in a factory orange colour that did come in the '74 914.

It's got a new steering wheel and a new shift knob.

-That's all you did?

-That's all I had to do. It is just a cherry.

-Why is it pointed that way?

-For convenience.

-Really?

-Yeah.

-That seems weird. We just backed our cars on.

-Why wouldn't you want to show people the front?

-It doesn't have reverse.

-What?

-It doesn't have reverse.

-It has no reverse?

-Yeah.

-You're going to sell a car with no reverse?

-At least it's orange.

-I can coast it down the ramp. I figure we're fine.

-That's your plan?

All right, peace, Gandhi, what do you have under your cover?

-Are those wood shoes?

-Yes, they are, my friend. It's part of the overall genius of my marketing concept

that will sell this car.

-Behold!

-BELLS JINGLE

Huh?

-It's green and bells.

-It's green and bells. This is it! Serenity, my friend! Stress-free motors.

All I had to do was paint it green, the colour of the Heart Chakra, clean out the inside,

take the tampons out of the glove compartment, get rid of the drugs in the ashtray and we're ready to go.

-I'll sell this thing like that.

-I hate to tell you guys I trumped you,

but we know I bought the nicest car at the auction. We know that much.

-Well, you know it.

-The most expensive car.

-But wait till you see...the stealth Lexus!

-It's flat black!

-You ruined it!

-It's like the stealth bomber.

You're the only one of us that bought a decent car to begin with and you trashed it.

-What are you talking about? I threw a great set of wheels on there.

-He spray-painted it!

-Tinted the front turntables, the tail lights.

-There's hair in the paint, Rutledge.

-I spent a little bit more...

-It's not his.

..on the car than I should have, so I didn't have money for a paint job, so I had to rattle-can it.

-What exactly is your market for this thing?

-I'm going after the family.

I don't want to give it away, but let's just say it's free

and it has four legs.

-It's 9am. You know what that means.

-Car time, baby.

-Doors are open, time to sell.

'And time to put our marketing plans into action.'

Stress-free motors, it's supposed to be effortless, so spin the sign effortlessly.

Big smile! That's it!

Free pony rides!

Test drive a car and you get a free pony ride.

Does that say, "Buy a car, punch a clown"?

Yes. It's brilliant. Think about it. People will read that and go, "What's that all about?"

'And Tara was working the barbecue grill.'

'My marketing plan was a bit more obvious.

'But got results.'

OK, I'll bring Tanner in for you right now.

'And got me my first customer of the day.'

I'm Tanner, by the way. So this is it.

The keys are in it. Let me just grab something out of the showroom and climb on in.

Ooh, that was frightening.

And now it's time to put a big star in our small car.

Our guest tonight, whether he's making a blockbuster film or a hit TV show,

the first question he asks is, "What kind of car am I going to get to drive?"

And now he's here on Top Gear. Ladies and gentlemen, Tim Allen.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Oh. Ahh.

-First off, welcome.

-Thanks.

-You are car guy royalty.

-This is huge to have you here. We're excited.

-I'm delighted to be here.

-I get to drive cars all morning!

-Yeah, what a good gig!

-Great gig!

A lot of people associate you with hot rods because of Home Improvement.

-On the show...

-Well, they're fools!

-They're liars!

-Well, on the show, you guys built the '33 Ford Roadster.

-This is true.

-A '46 Ford convertible?

-Ohh!

-And then your wife Jill on the show, you crushed her Nomad.

-I didn't.

We got more letters over that... We had 50,000 letters and guys calling,

-"That's

-BLEEP.

-We're going to kill you. We're going to hunt you down..."

-For a Nomad.

-I go, "Number one, fools, I'm not an idiot. I own that car."

-Right.

It was a Bel Air that we went to a junk yard and painted to look like it.

We're not going to smash a Nomad.

I gave that with a signature, by the way, with Leno, to the firemen after 9/11. We auctioned that off.

-How cool.

-APPLAUSE

Growing up in Detroit, what did Woodward Avenue represent to you guys?

Well, it's a mile... If you haven't been to Woodward Avenue,

they have the Woodward Cruise every year, I'd go if you like cars.

It's a straight road from Detroit to Pontiac, Michigan,

literally, every mile there's a light.

It's a drag strip and 60 Minutes did a story on it,

but before that story, it was the best drag strip in the country cos it's literal, real racing

and the better racers are the guys who can power-shift, no clutch.

That was the best time to grow up, because all of our dads worked at the car companies.

They'd go, "What's winning out there?" "Man, that 383 Mopar is killing everybody."

"Yeah? Well, we got something at Chevy. Try this new 427."

They were pumping out hot rods and letting us drive them. It was wonderful.

396 Porcupine Head Chevelle, that was the one that was...

That killed everybody. And then 455 Goat, eventually that became the king.

And 383 Roadrunner, a guy had a 383 that was the fastest damn car.

Now, you've had a lot of people build cars for you.

Right now, you're building a '55 Ford Customline.

-It's on its way to being gorgeous.

-On its way. It looks a little geeky and homely there.

I'm going to put a jet black paint job on it and it's got Thunderbird parts,

a GT40 motor, a custom race chassis.

It's going to be a little lighter than the current GT40 with more horsepower.

And it's going to get great gas mileage. Not!

-LAUGHTER

-I feel terrible. Every time I bring this up,

I have an older daughter, she says, "Jeez, Dad, you have anything that gets over 11 miles per gallon?"

I went, "Er..." I have an 1180 horsepower HEMI

that I got in a '56 Ford pickup. It gets 0.9 miles per gallon.

-LAUGHTER

-0.9!

I have a shop in Burbank, the gas station is a mile away.

-I can't even get it to the gas station.

-LAUGHTER

-So how did the Suzuki compare?

-Oh, I don't know.

I don't want to offend Suzuki cos they make great bikes and I'm sure they worked hard

and this car is an affordable thing, but it was embarrassing to drive up and see what I was going to drive.

-You thought we were kidding?

-Kidding, then I get Serg or Spike or Sludge, the faceless guy.

Horribly disfigured. He took the helmet off in the car.

-The Stig...

-Yeah, he's got three eyes and his nose, he was hit. Terribly disfigured, yeah.

-Well, do you guys want to see his lap?

-ALL: Yeah!

Let's check it out.

A good launch in the Suzuki, into second.

Easy on the throttle, easy. Don't try and kill anybody.

-How dumb can a person look?

-LAUGHTER

-You loved that helmet, huh? You look really good in that.

-Geeky!

You think the helmet makes you look like a bigger geek, or the car?

No, me. Just, I look at pictures of me and I go, "Who's that old man?"

BLEEPING / LAUGHTER

-Pretty smooth.

-Oh, throttle, baby!

-HE LAUGHS A little wide.

-BLEEP!

OK, heading out on the back stretch. What kinds of speeds do you think you saw there?

-About 50, 55.

-HE LAUGHS

Around the hay bales, it was like Alfred Hitchcock, all these birds out there. What was that all about?

-The crows loved you out there.

-There was crow crap everywhere.

Here you are turning into the esses.

Looks really nice. All right, coming into the last turn here.

-Really pushing it, and across the line!

-APPLAUSE

-Some pretty good times up there. Where do you think you're going? Are you heading to the top?

-No.

You think you're going to be underneath Buzz Aldrin?

No. I won't be under Buzz, but I needed to know what I had to get at. That's easier for me.

-Tim Allen, you did it in one minute...

-Yeah.

..44.0!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-That means the other Detroit boy, Kid Rock...

-Kid Rock. This is horrible.

We could loan you a Suzuki and you could practice but then you'd be driving a Suzuki.

I'll buy one. I'll buy my own airbase.

-There we go. There we go.

-I will beat them!

-Let's give it up for Tim Allen one more time.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Tonight, we're seeing if we can cut it as used car salesmen.

So far we've each bought a car from auction, given it a quick makeover

and come up with a marketing strategy designed to attract the right buyer.

Yep, so far, so good. Now all we have to do is sell them.

So, Dad, you guys in the market for a new family sedan?

You may not want to lick that as I just sprayed that yesterday, buddy.

How about this, you guys buy the car, talk to your dad,

I will let you take the pony for a weekend?

'The near death experience broke the ice between me and Patrick, and he was ready to make an offer.'

We could sell it now for 2,900.

We're a little ways off, I think, of what we are looking for.

OK, how far off are we?

Well, I would be looking to spend about... No more than ten percent of that.

So 290?

He loves the pony. You love the car.

-What do you say, do you want to make a deal?

-'Rutledge was starting to feel the strain.'

It feels like you're saying you don't like me and my tie and my car is terrible.

Your tie's OK. I'm worried about the shirt.

'But activity on the lot was starting to pick up.'

-What do you think of that?

-Looks pretty good? Not bad at all.

I like this. So you finance bad credit, good credit...

Good credit, bad credit, it doesn't matter, I'm sure we can work it out.

-There's an ass for every seat, Diego. Don't be afraid to be that ass.

-OK.

-How's it going?

-Good, how are you?

-Good. I'm Tanner.

-I'm Todd, nice to meet you.

-OK, so we're going to turn right.

-So this does need a lot of work here.

I want to show you this gorgeous black Lexus over here.

We are ready to go, my friend.

I like it already, I like it already.

It's not too pretentious, it doesn't say, "Hey, look at me."

It says, "I got a Lexus but I don't need to brag about it."

'We each had a potential buyer. Now it was time to close the deal.'

-What if I told you you could have that car...

-Mm-hm.

..for that price?

Take a look at that number. Tell me how that sounds to you.

-This car we have listed at 3,300.

-Mm-hm.

-What number would relieve stress?

-What are you comfortable paying?

-And what's the number we're at?

-With the quirks and everything, I can do 1,750.

-999.

-That's only 1,200.

-Cash! Cash.

-1,200 cash.

'While Adam and Rutledge were pushing papers, it was time to close the deal with my ultimate incentive package.'

-How are you?

-Good, how are you? Are you buying a car?

-Er...

I can't do it for 1,200. Thanks for stopping by.

-Excellent.

-Pretty eyes.

-Oh, thank you.

-Are you from here?

-Yeah, round here in LA...

-Nice!

-1,699 is not bad but here's what I had in mind.

-You want the pen again?

-Yes.

-You girls are looking good, I'll give you that, yeah.

-We would look even nicer in your car.

If you can do this number, it's a done deal.

Right now. I'll go to the bank and get you that money.

How about another 50, and we can close it up?

How about we split it? 25.

-I'll take it.

-We got a deal.

-We got a deal.

You guys need to be making the deals here. Exactly!

'The girls had done their thing.'

Thank you. 'It was time to make the deal.'

So you were at 1,750 as is,

I say make it 1,900 as is and it's yours.

Let's split it, 1,850.

-Done.

-All right.

-Yes!

-APPLAUSE

-That's pretty impressive.

Now, they wanted me to inform you that I disposed of the marijuana in my car immediately.

-OK, so I bought my car for 1,850.

-Mm-hm.

-I spent the rest of the three grand on the paint,

the steering wheel, the shift knob and the girls.

I was left over with, what is that? 1,150, I guess is what I lost.

And you lost money? I bought mine for 870.

I put 536 into paint and marketing, and I sold to for 1,450.

-I made 44.

-Wow! That's pretty good!

-APPLAUSE

-That's pretty impressive.

-That's pretty good.

-What?

-Hm?

-And...

-I wasn't as much concerned with the profit.

-Really, Mr Krylon?

Well, let's see, I paid 2,350 for the car and then I'd spent about

400 or 500 in crap.

You know, all told, at the end of the day, I got...

-..no money for it.

-LAUGHTER

-I'll give you 20 bucks.

-You'll give me how much?

-20 bucks, 25.

You know that's weird, sir, cos we're going to sell this car today, right here. Look in your wallet,

I got cash. Who's got cash? 40.

-40.

-50.

-50.

-80.

-80. I got 80 on the front. Who's got more than 80?

-Who's got 100?

-I got 100!

-We got 100 over here.

-This is like Barrett Jackass!

-LAUGHTER

But now deals, if you've got cash and a nice watch...

-120.

-We got 120.

-I got 200!

So right now we've got a high offer of 200.

Hold on, we do have an offer here.

-I would trade her.

-You would trade...

-LAUGHTER

Wow! He's going to need a car if you say that because she is not going to give him a ride home.

Erm... This man has drawn my attention to something very beautiful.

Babe, can you scoot over just a little bit. Sir, is that a Members Only jacket?

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Can I... Er, can I try that on?

I'm just going to see how it fits.

Would you be willing to trade this fine Members Only jacket for a 1992 Lexus LS400?

-APPLAUSE

-Yes, I would.

HE SIGHS

I've got an offer of 200,

or this beautiful Members Only jacket. What should I do?

-THEY SHOUT

-Jacket?

I'm going to need 1 along with this jacket

-to make it an official sale. Do you have 1?

-Yes, I do.

-I need that dollar.

-Ladies and gentlemen, this man just got himself a Lexus!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

That's all we've got time for tonight. Thank you for watching.

-Goodbye!

-Go get in there, man!

-APPLAUSE

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