Episode 1 Top Gear


Episode 1

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Hello and welcome to Top Gear.

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-We're back!

-CHEERING

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-And we've got lots and lots of shiny new cars.

-That's right.

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CHEERING

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That's right.

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In fact, here's a look at what's coming up over the next seven weeks.

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# My mother told me "Son, let it be"... #

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Oh, it's on!

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# Sold my soul to the calling... #

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Let's go racing!

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# Sold my soul to a sweet melody... #

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HE LAUGHS

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# Now I'm gone, now I'm gone now I'm gone

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# Oh, gimme that fire... #

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ENGINE ROARS

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TYRES SQUEAL

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-THEY LAUGH

-It's got a chicken!

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I'm done. Have the car, I'm out.

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HE LAUGHS

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Oh, the acceleration is enormous!

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Whoo!

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The way this is written,

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it sounds like I just kicked your ass here.

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HE LAUGHS

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# Oh, gimme that fire... #

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My knob's come off!

0:01:220:01:24

# Oh, gimme that fire... #

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Oh, yes! What a thing!

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# Oh, gimme that fire... #

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THAT is immature.

0:01:320:01:33

Ooh. OK.

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All righty.

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Wow, that's a lot for the eyes.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Looks OK to me.

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OK...let's kick it off with this.

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The LaFerrari.

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Costs £1 million, and only 500 will ever be built.

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Interesting, isn't it, that adding "La" to a name

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makes it sound more exotic,

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whereas "Le" - not so much, really.

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LAUGHTER

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I get it. I see what you did there. You got... You got me.

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We don't need to go into your last name. All right.

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Anyhow, the LaFerrari.

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You hear that, you think, "Ferrari's VIP area," right?

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The fastest, the most advanced, the most exclusive.

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Well, nearly. Because, in the world of Ferrari,

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turns out there's a V-VIP area -

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-somewhere off-limits to us mere commoners.

-Mm-hm.

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Somewhere home to a truly extraordinary machine.

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Here it is, the Ferrari FXXK.

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And, no, that name is NOT accidental.

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-Oh, my

-BLEEP

-days.

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It's based on the bones of the LaFerrari hypercar,

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but it's been intensified in every department.

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Only 40 will ever exist,

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and it costs over £2 million.

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Or at least it would, if you could buy it.

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Which you can't. Even if you're a zillionaire,

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you don't just phone up Ferrari with your credit card details.

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Oh, no.

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First, you must have been judged, in Ferrari's words,

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to "have the right mind-set."

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You must be invited.

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In fact, the FXXK is so unattainable,

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I'm the first outsider ever permitted to drive one.

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ENGINE PURRS

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So, just for today,

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you can keep your LaFerraris,

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your everyday hypercars.

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ENGINE GROWLS

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MUSIC: Run by Bring Me The Horizon

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Today, I've got more power,

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more lightness,

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more grip.

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So much MORE.

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ENGINE ROARS

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Oh! Oh!

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The speed is preposterous!

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If you believe it,

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it has 1,050 horsepower.

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That's 87 more than the LaFerrari road car.

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It's SO physical.

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It gets inside your body.

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Sensational, addictive, mighty, corrupting power!

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0 to 60 takes just over two seconds,

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but this car lives way beyond that.

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Just keeps going...

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until your brain implodes...

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..like a collapsing star!

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Like the LaFerrari, the FXXK has a KERS system

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harvesting energy wasted underbraking.

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If I brake hard now,

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I can feel a kind of pressure behind my eyeballs, forcing them forward.

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But here the system is F1 spec,

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and when it uses that energy to boost the performance

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of the 6.3-litre V12 engine...

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..it just bungs you down the road.

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It's not like a normal car experience of acceleration.

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Here we go. I accelerate in third and...

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ENGINE ROARS

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..I'm 100 yards further than I thought.

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Good Lord.

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And then there's the traction control.

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Because Ferrari doesn't want to kill its wealthiest customers,

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they're some of the most sophisticated systems

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I've ever encountered.

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I can just bury the throttle coming out of turns,

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and it just manages it beautifully.

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I suppose part of the thrill of this car is...

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building up the courage to switch them off.

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Well, you only live once.

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ENGINE ROARS, TYRES SQUEAL

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Oh, yes! I'm alive! I'm alive!

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HE LAUGHS

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Now, this is a good way to ruin some very expensive tyres.

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Fortunately, changing them is easy,

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because your £2 million FXXK

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also comes with its very own Ferrari pit crew...

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..just like a modern Formula One car.

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But, unlike a modern Formula One car,

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it doesn't need to comply with a great big rule book.

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In fact, it doesn't need to comply with the rule book...well, at all.

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Ferrari basically said to its engineers,

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"Knock yourselves out, do whatever the hell you want.

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"Just make it fast.

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"CRAZY fast!"

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And this being Ferrari...

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..crazy fast on the straights is just the start.

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The true nature of this car lies in the way it corners.

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ENGINE ROARS

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The faster you go, the harder it sticks. It's like a giant magnet.

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You can't see it but, boy, can you feel it.

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It's lawless, savage.

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It's motorsport unlimited.

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Unbound by rules,

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the FXXK can delve deep into the dark art of aero.

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From that enormous active wing to the insane diffuser,

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its hunger for downforce crushes the tyres into the tarmac.

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The aero through this left-hander.

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Wow! Into the deck.

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Right now, it feels about the fasted thing ever made, to me.

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'The performance of the FXXK is so extraordinary,

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'it recalibrates your understanding of...

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'what a car is capable of.

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'It's wonderful, intoxicating.

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'It's so cutting-edge, it's...'

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I got quite a high water temperature now, so I need to just cool it down.

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'..well, it's high maintenance.

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'And that means your pit crew will spend a lot of time

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'fiddling about with stuff you don't understand.'

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Needs a reset on the, er...

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Er...

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And this ultimate Ferrari thoroughbred is so extreme,

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you can't drive it on the road,

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and it doesn't qualify for any existing race series.

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ENGINES ECHO

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So, as a car, the FXXK doesn't really make sense.

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But it's not meant to.

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It's not really a car.

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What it is is a ticket...

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to the most exclusive private members club on the planet.

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And this club has one final members-only benefit.

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You see, up to now, the car has been holding back,

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saving power to make sure its batteries never run flat.

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But the FXXK has something called Qualify Mode,

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and that gives you all the petrol power

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and all the electric power in one massive hit.

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Maximum attack for one lap only. And, well...

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since I've only got one lap left, well...

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you can't take it with you.

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1,050 horsepower!

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What a car! What a day!

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Drink it up. Drink it up, it's the last lap.

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Unbelievable. I'll never get to do that again.

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I'm staggered I've had a chance to do it in the first place.

0:10:590:11:02

When the world's electric...

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..I think I'll remember this day more than every other.

0:11:090:11:14

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:11:200:11:22

-Ooh.

-Well, I didn't crash.

-No, you didn't. No, what an incredible car.

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And I've got to be honest, you drove the ass off it.

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One tiny point though, and I don't mean to be picky,

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-but you know this whole exclusive club thing?

-Mm-hm.

0:11:340:11:36

OK, so what you're saying is,

0:11:360:11:38

if you're a very, very special friend of Ferrari,

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you might just be lucky enough to receive an invitation

0:11:410:11:46

-to give them £2 million.

-Correct.

0:11:460:11:49

And in return, you get a car that, yeah,

0:11:490:11:51

is very fast and very pretty, but it's essentially useless, right?

0:11:510:11:55

I mean, you can't drive it on the road,

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you can't enter it in any race series,

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you need a team of mechanics to keep it running...

0:11:590:12:01

Also correct.

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That's good business.

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LAUGHTER

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It is if you're Ferrari.

0:12:070:12:09

Now, this is the point we usually hand the car over to Stig

0:12:090:12:12

to thrash around our test track, but today, we can't.

0:12:120:12:15

It's just too cold out there.

0:12:150:12:16

The FXXK is on racing slicks and it just won't get hot enough to work.

0:12:160:12:20

We're sorry.

0:12:200:12:21

But we'll try to coax it back again for a lap later in the series

0:12:210:12:24

-when the weather warms up a bit.

-Yes, we will. Rory.

0:12:240:12:27

What a car.

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And the high horsepower thrills don't end there,

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because later this series, and I can't believe I got to do this,

0:12:310:12:34

but I drive the new Renault Twingo.

0:12:340:12:38

-Oh, yes.

-Wahey!

-Oh, yes.

-Ho, ho! APPLAUSE

0:12:380:12:40

-Whoo!

-Yeah.

0:12:400:12:42

OK. Now it is time to introduce this week's studio guest.

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He's the star of Atonement, X-Men and Split.

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Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome James McAvoy.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:12:540:12:56

WHISTLING

0:12:590:13:01

Welcome, welcome.

0:13:030:13:05

Now, James, I know you didn't get a chauffeur to drop you down today.

0:13:090:13:13

-You drove yourself, right?

-I did, yes.

-OK, what did you drive?

0:13:130:13:15

-I drove my RS3.

-Nice, little pocket rocket.

-Little ninja, yeah.

0:13:150:13:19

-300 plus horsepower there.

-Uh, if you say so.

0:13:190:13:22

Yeah, I just know it goes fast, man. It goes fast.

0:13:220:13:25

So you have a driver's licence now,

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but didn't you drive for years without one?

0:13:260:13:29

This is the weird thing. I played a car thief in Shameless

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and I had to drive many beautiful cars

0:13:320:13:34

and nobody ever asked me if I had a driver's licence,

0:13:340:13:36

so I didn't, I didn't offer it up.

0:13:360:13:38

-I didn't get a driver's licence until six years later.

-Hang on.

0:13:380:13:41

You're painting quite a picture for us.

0:13:410:13:43

Any other bad behaviour you want to come clean with?

0:13:430:13:45

I do actually have a clean driver's licence, but I did have a...

0:13:450:13:48

I had a provisional driver's licence just for riding a 125 scooter

0:13:480:13:52

before I grew up and got a big bike, and, erm...

0:13:520:13:56

I got 11 points on my provisional licence.

0:13:560:13:59

-LAUGHTER

-Yeah.

0:13:590:14:00

The guy, the policeman that took me aside

0:14:000:14:03

was like, "I'm probably going to let you off with it",

0:14:030:14:06

and his partner was like shouting from the car going, "No way!

0:14:060:14:09

"He's going down! This is unbelievable!"

0:14:090:14:11

So, yeah, they put me in the back of the car

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and made me feel like a drug dealer.

0:14:130:14:15

All right, now, you didn't just come down here to enjoy our company,

0:14:150:14:19

because, frankly, who would do that? No, no.

0:14:190:14:21

-You came here to drive fast around our track.

-Yes.

0:14:210:14:24

And the first thing that everyone here should know is that

0:14:240:14:27

the original Top Gear track is back!

0:14:270:14:30

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:14:300:14:32

And here's the other thing you need to know, we've got a new car.

0:14:350:14:39

And after all those Lianas and Lacettis and Cee'ds...

0:14:390:14:42

-I'm still a big fan of the Cee'd.

-That's cos you were quick in it.

0:14:420:14:44

We decided it was high time for something a bit more exciting,

0:14:440:14:47

something rear-wheel drive, something fast.

0:14:470:14:50

That's right, but not too fast,

0:14:500:14:52

cos we're talking about celebrities here,

0:14:520:14:54

not responsible adults.

0:14:540:14:55

Which meant there was only one car for the job,

0:14:550:14:57

and I mean literally only one car.

0:14:570:15:00

Introducing our new reasonably fast car,

0:15:000:15:04

it's the Toyota GT86.

0:15:040:15:06

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:15:060:15:08

Drive it well and it's so much fun, but get it wrong and you will spin.

0:15:120:15:16

-I guarantee it.

-Yeah, so do I. From experience I can guarantee it.

0:15:160:15:21

Right, so, obviously we're not going to send you out there

0:15:210:15:24

without a little bit of instruction, so...

0:15:240:15:26

Do you remember at school that one teacher

0:15:260:15:29

who really inspired you, nurtured you, believed in you?

0:15:290:15:33

Well, our instructor is exactly the opposite of that.

0:15:330:15:38

He's mad, he's tiny, his head is very shiny, it's Chris Harris.

0:15:380:15:41

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:15:410:15:43

Welcome to the Toyota GT86.

0:15:450:15:47

Your performance reflects on me.

0:15:470:15:49

-All right, mate.

-So you've got to listen.

-What?

-OK?

0:15:490:15:52

Aim for the 50 metre board.

0:15:540:15:56

Don't try and be funny. Fourth gear.

0:15:560:15:58

When I say "brake", brake. Brake!

0:15:580:16:01

CAR SCREECHES

0:16:010:16:02

-Listen! Listen, James.

-I am.

0:16:050:16:07

Over that way. Do what you're told.

0:16:070:16:09

My hand's over there. Look, third gear. Third gear.

0:16:090:16:12

-Third gear, that's second, you...

-BLEEP

0:16:120:16:13

-Third! Third!

-CAR SCREECHES

0:16:130:16:16

Argh!

0:16:180:16:20

Aw!

0:16:200:16:21

-OK.

-Whoo!

0:16:210:16:22

You have to listen to the next bit,

0:16:250:16:27

otherwise we both end up being looked for through dental records.

0:16:270:16:30

Fourth gear. Fourth gear.

0:16:300:16:31

CAR SCREECHES

0:16:310:16:35

JAMES LAUGHS

0:16:370:16:39

Yes!

0:16:400:16:41

I wish they'd given me someone talented for this first episode,

0:16:410:16:44

cos it would look so good for my coaching skills.

0:16:440:16:47

Oh, my lord.

0:16:490:16:51

And over the line.

0:16:510:16:53

And stop.

0:16:530:16:54

And never...

0:16:560:16:57

-BLEEP

-..do that to me again.

0:16:570:16:59

-You loved it.

-Jesus Christ.

-You loved it.

0:16:590:17:01

APPLAUSE

0:17:010:17:03

MATT LAUGHS

0:17:060:17:07

Well, very nice, very nice.

0:17:090:17:11

I'm beginning to see why that career as a hostage negotiator

0:17:110:17:15

never worked out for you.

0:17:150:17:16

OK, seriously, Harris, that is no way to speak to our guest.

0:17:160:17:20

Absolutely not.

0:17:200:17:21

Do you know what? I kind of liked it.

0:17:210:17:23

I like to be treated rough sometimes.

0:17:230:17:24

-That's just...

-LAUGHTER

0:17:240:17:26

Well, anyway, we are looking forward to seeing your timed lap

0:17:260:17:29

a little bit later. But first, here's a question...

0:17:290:17:32

£150,000, something fun for the summer, what do you buy?

0:17:320:17:36

-Er, GT3 RS.

-OK, Rory?

0:17:360:17:39

-McLaren 570?

-Mm-hm.

0:17:390:17:41

Yellow Ford Capri with black stripes on it.

0:17:410:17:44

LAUGHTER OK.

0:17:440:17:46

-OK, all good.

-Thanks.

-All good. All wrong.

0:17:460:17:49

Because the most fun you can have for £150,000 is one of these.

0:17:490:17:55

GENTLE LAUGHTER

0:17:550:17:57

-That's a Hobbit caravan.

-No. No, that's a pressure washer.

0:17:570:18:01

So it's a pressure washer for £150,000 Sterling.

0:18:010:18:05

What are you going to wash with that?

0:18:050:18:07

I'm going to wash a melon, a shed and a Volvo. Check this out.

0:18:070:18:12

This is the Karcher Ecomaster mark three.

0:18:120:18:15

It runs at about 2,800 bar of pressure.

0:18:150:18:18

That's...about 40,611 PSI.

0:18:180:18:22

Roughly. Exactly.

0:18:220:18:24

This cleans stuff really well.

0:18:240:18:27

Watch this.

0:18:270:18:29

There you have it!

0:19:040:19:06

Clean!

0:19:060:19:08

Clean as a whistle!

0:19:080:19:09

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:19:110:19:14

Am I right? That's good. That thing's great.

0:19:140:19:18

-Your handwriting is appalling.

-LAUGHTER

0:19:200:19:22

Don't pretend you're not jealous.

0:19:220:19:24

Right, I need to vent about something.

0:19:240:19:26

The other night I was watching Ronin, OK?

0:19:260:19:28

-Ronin, that film that came out, what? 20 years ago?

-Yeah.

0:19:280:19:31

-Always up-to-date.

-Stop that. Look,

0:19:310:19:32

one of the best on-screen car chases of all time. Agreed?

0:19:320:19:35

-FROM AUDIENCE:

-Yes.

-OK.

0:19:350:19:37

But I've spotted something that's troubling me, vexing me.

0:19:370:19:39

Have a look at this.

0:19:390:19:40

-GUNSHOT

-Wait there! There!

0:19:460:19:47

-How annoying is that? Did you see that?

-What?

-See what?

0:19:470:19:50

-You saw that.

-What?!

-There.

0:19:500:19:52

BMW E34 M5 1990, turbine design wheel,

0:19:520:19:56

cool for brake distance, that kind of thing.

0:19:560:19:59

Cut to... That's not an M5 wheel.

0:19:590:20:02

-LAUGHTER

-That's the...

0:20:020:20:04

That's from a 535i. It's a continuity nightmare.

0:20:040:20:08

How long are you planning on being a virgin?

0:20:080:20:11

LAUGHTER

0:20:110:20:13

APPLAUSE

0:20:130:20:16

I could help you out.

0:20:190:20:20

Look, you work in film, you saw that, that's a nightmare.

0:20:200:20:23

-Yeah, right?

-This has been bothering me... Can I do one more?

-Go ahead.

0:20:230:20:27

..bothering me since 1987. Withnail And I. Great film?

0:20:270:20:30

-A wonderful film.

-You must know it line by line.

-Yeah... Go on, then.

0:20:300:20:34

Continuity nightmare.

0:20:340:20:36

Watch this.

0:20:360:20:37

Withnail, car.

0:20:390:20:41

There!

0:20:410:20:42

-Where? What?

-You saw it.

0:20:420:20:44

-Saw what?

-You saw it!

0:20:440:20:46

Withnail is set in 1969, OK?

0:20:460:20:50

It's the end of the '60s, it's apocalyptic.

0:20:500:20:52

Right in the background is a Volvo 340 DL, launched in...

0:20:520:20:56

1976! Even worse, the red smudge behind it,

0:20:560:21:00

Nissan Sunny, 1981.

0:21:000:21:02

-LAUGHTER

-It's terrible.

0:21:020:21:04

Imagine, OK, Gladiator, Russell Crowe struts in,

0:21:040:21:07

"I'm the father of someone... got murdered,

0:21:070:21:09

"I'm generally fed up with life," toga, look down below.

0:21:090:21:11

-Air Jordans.

-LAUGHTER

0:21:110:21:14

You're not going to suffer that. It's not good.

0:21:140:21:17

It is literally,

0:21:170:21:18

literally...nothing like that. OK?

0:21:180:21:21

In fairness, though, I do hate film mistakes.

0:21:210:21:24

-You know Mad Max Fury Road?

-Yeah.

0:21:240:21:27

OK, if you look really close, really, really closely,

0:21:270:21:31

don't blink, you'll miss it,

0:21:310:21:33

you'll see that they cast Tom Hardy instead of me.

0:21:330:21:36

LAUGHTER

0:21:360:21:37

Look real close. You can see it.

0:21:370:21:40

Anyway, moving on, a couple of months back the producers

0:21:400:21:43

told us to tackle a serious consumer question.

0:21:430:21:45

Specifically this one...

0:21:450:21:47

What is the most reliable new car on sale today?

0:21:470:21:51

And we said, "Well, that's a stupid question.

0:21:510:21:53

"New cars can't be reliable. They're new.

0:21:530:21:56

"You have to earn reliability over lots and lots of miles."

0:21:560:21:59

If a car's driven to, say, the moon and back, and it's still going,

0:21:590:22:03

now that's proof of reliability.

0:22:030:22:05

That's right, so our producer said, "All right, you're on."

0:22:050:22:08

They told us each to go buy a car

0:22:080:22:10

that HAD driven to the moon and back.

0:22:100:22:12

Well, the Earth equivalent.

0:22:120:22:14

480,000 miles on the clock. So we did.

0:22:140:22:18

And they shipped them off for a series of reliability challenges

0:22:180:22:21

in the middle of nowhere.

0:22:210:22:23

A little place called Kazakhstan.

0:22:230:22:25

So...

0:22:380:22:39

Kazakhstan.

0:22:390:22:41

Shall we go and find our cars?

0:22:410:22:43

-Three containers, gentlemen.

-Who wants to go first?

0:22:470:22:50

-Can I go first?

-Go for it.

0:22:500:22:51

You're going to love it.

0:22:530:22:54

What do you think he's got?

0:22:560:22:58

Some kind of mental issue.

0:22:580:23:00

RORY LAUGHS

0:23:000:23:01

-It's definitely a sports car, no?

-Yeah, it's got to be.

0:23:010:23:04

-A high mileage Ferrari, perhaps?

-Maserati.

0:23:040:23:08

-High mileage Maserati?

-Yeah.

0:23:080:23:10

Which is, you know, a horrible idea.

0:23:100:23:13

-'But Chris surprised us both.' Oh!

-That's not Italian.

0:23:130:23:17

That's not Italian at all. RORY LAUGHS

0:23:170:23:19

A Volvo?

0:23:190:23:21

The Volvo V70.

0:23:210:23:23

You want reliability, you go to Sweden, gentlemen. You know that.

0:23:230:23:27

She's a minter.

0:23:270:23:28

I don't want to patronise you, but you know that in the Arctic Circle

0:23:280:23:32

a reliable car is the difference between life and death.

0:23:320:23:36

But you're not playing a housewife in this film. That's the thing.

0:23:360:23:39

Look, I know, it's not going to set any pulses racing,

0:23:390:23:42

but V70s in this generation are very, very strong.

0:23:420:23:45

Manual gearbox for a bit of fun, and there's a button in there

0:23:450:23:48

that's for heated seats,

0:23:480:23:50

and I wonder whether either of you two have that function.

0:23:500:23:52

-Shall we see your car, Matt?

-THEY LAUGH

0:23:520:23:55

That's really sad, mate.

0:23:570:23:59

Forget Sweden.

0:24:000:24:02

You want reliability?

0:24:020:24:04

-CHRIS LAUGHS

-He's got it!

0:24:040:24:06

THEY LAUGH

0:24:060:24:07

-Right, here we go.

-He's got a Merc.

0:24:070:24:09

Now, he thinks he's just bought into the ultimate brand

0:24:090:24:13

-of reliability, but little does he know.

-Come on now.

0:24:130:24:16

-Huh?

-Explain yourself.

0:24:180:24:20

Mercedes, the symbol,

0:24:200:24:22

the quintessential symbol of quality, right?

0:24:220:24:25

You go anywhere in the world,

0:24:250:24:26

you see these E-Classes just rattling along,

0:24:260:24:29

clicking off the miles, reliability, reliability, reliability.

0:24:290:24:33

Do you understand the significance of the colour?

0:24:330:24:36

It's like a beige, kind of like a granny's living room colour.

0:24:360:24:39

-You know why it's that colour?

-I don't know.

0:24:390:24:41

That was a taxi cab, that was a German taxi cab,

0:24:410:24:44

-probably from the Berlin area.

-What?

0:24:440:24:47

So that's had the hardest life imaginable.

0:24:470:24:50

While Matt came to terms with his new taxi...

0:24:500:24:53

-But it's still an E-Class.

-..I went to fetch...mine.

0:24:530:24:57

MUSIC: London Calling by the Clash

0:24:570:25:00

Oh, my God.

0:25:000:25:03

MATT LAUGHS

0:25:030:25:05

What were you thinking?

0:25:050:25:08

I don't know what to say.

0:25:080:25:10

CHRIS WHEEZES AND LAUGHS

0:25:110:25:13

Look, you want to talk reliability?

0:25:130:25:15

This has got to be in the conversation, OK?

0:25:150:25:17

London taxi, utterly bombproof.

0:25:170:25:20

Come the apocalypse, there will only be cockroaches and London cabs.

0:25:200:25:24

I don't know where to begin, Rory.

0:25:240:25:26

Look, first of all,

0:25:260:25:27

these vehicles are designed to cover very short distances.

0:25:270:25:30

Maybe 40, 50 miles at a stretch.

0:25:300:25:32

Beyond that, they are purgatory.

0:25:320:25:34

Well, that's neither here nor there.

0:25:340:25:36

Also, people visit London to come and see the London black cab.

0:25:360:25:41

No, they don't.

0:25:410:25:42

They get in that piece of crap to go see something else.

0:25:420:25:45

Tell me the best thing about this car.

0:25:450:25:47

The best thing about this car, turning circle, 7.62 metres.

0:25:470:25:51

I can run rings around your cars.

0:25:510:25:54

Right.

0:25:540:25:55

But before he could get in and show us, a man appeared in an old Lada.

0:25:550:26:00

-Welcome.

-Thank you.

0:26:000:26:02

Wheel bearing's gone.

0:26:030:26:04

"You and your high-milers will now undertake

0:26:050:26:08

"a series of reliability challenges as you cross Kazakhstan

0:26:080:26:11

"to the Baikonur Cosmodrome,

0:26:110:26:14

"which is home to the Soviet Union's space programme.

0:26:140:26:17

"There's a rocket launch in two days. Be there."

0:26:170:26:20

-We're going to a rocket launch?

-No, no, no.

0:26:200:26:23

Those of us that have a car that's going to make it to a rocket launch

0:26:230:26:26

are going to a rocket launch.

0:26:260:26:27

You two are going to die on the Steppe.

0:26:270:26:30

Why do you have to be like that?

0:26:300:26:31

Yes, ahead of us lay the Steppe,

0:26:330:26:36

a vast desert of unforgiving terrain and extreme temperatures,

0:26:360:26:41

certain to test our high-miler's reliability.

0:26:410:26:44

The journey would lead us to the Baikonur Cosmodrome,

0:26:440:26:48

the world's largest, oldest space launch facility.

0:26:480:26:51

And the home of the Russian space programme.

0:26:530:26:56

Sputnik, Yuri Gagarin,

0:26:560:26:59

even the first piece of the International Space Station,

0:26:590:27:02

all were launched from this 3,000 square mile

0:27:020:27:05

Russian-controlled facility...

0:27:050:27:06

..but with only two days to get there,

0:27:090:27:11

we had a lot of ground to cover.

0:27:110:27:13

I was just thinking, you see a car with 100,000 miles on it,

0:27:170:27:20

you think, right, time to get a new one, that's pretty much worn out.

0:27:200:27:23

That's not what we've done, we've gone for cars

0:27:230:27:25

that have 500,000 miles on them, and mine runs fine.

0:27:250:27:28

-How does yours run?

-My cab hasn't aged a bit.

0:27:280:27:32

-What did you say? It was a piece of

-BLEEP?

0:27:320:27:34

RORY LAUGHS

0:27:340:27:36

This taxi is a bit of a shed.

0:27:380:27:41

I've just discovered that my heating doesn't work -

0:27:410:27:45

and that's a bad thing, because in Kazakhstan

0:27:450:27:48

it's currently minus 12 degrees outside.

0:27:480:27:51

First impressions, very impressive.

0:27:520:27:55

Doesn't really rattle or shake, it's remarkable.

0:27:550:27:58

Let's face it, Volvos are so reliable.

0:27:580:28:01

If this thing does break down,

0:28:010:28:03

there'd probably be a national day of mourning in Sweden.

0:28:030:28:05

Guys, I don't have any heating whatsoever in my cab.

0:28:060:28:10

The sun's out, Rory. Think positive, think warm.

0:28:100:28:15

I'm going to die of pneumonia, man!

0:28:150:28:17

HE CHUCKLES

0:28:170:28:18

'Heading out of town, we made a start for Baikonur

0:28:200:28:24

'and the bustle quickly dwindled.'

0:28:240:28:28

Look at it, it's just acres and acres of nothing.

0:28:280:28:31

It's like...Stoke!

0:28:310:28:35

'And, as the road turned to dirt,

0:28:350:28:37

'we got the feeling this might not be the way to Baikonur after all.'

0:28:370:28:41

Why are we doing this? Can't we find another road?

0:28:410:28:46

'But then...'

0:28:460:28:47

Look at that.

0:28:470:28:49

-That is huge.

-Thanks, Chris.

0:28:490:28:52

'We had stumbled across our first opportunity

0:28:520:28:55

'for a spot of competition.'

0:28:550:28:57

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

0:28:570:28:58

I think I am thinking what you're thinking.

0:28:580:29:00

That looks like a race track to me.

0:29:000:29:02

I think we need to get it on.

0:29:020:29:05

'Our first test of reliability would be an impromptu quarry race

0:29:070:29:11

'down to the bottom, back to the top.

0:29:110:29:14

'First past the cow's head...wins.'

0:29:140:29:19

Gentlemen, may the best man and his machine win.

0:29:200:29:24

Come on, little black cab.

0:29:240:29:26

Three, two, one...go.

0:29:260:29:28

Oh, that's hopeless. I've just been overtaken by a bloody London taxi!

0:29:320:29:35

I've got better traction than Chris! Yeah!

0:29:350:29:38

Oh, Matt's quick, though.

0:29:380:29:40

-Oh-ho!

-Ah, he's in front.

0:29:400:29:43

Come on, chase him down, chase him down.

0:29:430:29:45

Oh, he's gaining.

0:29:470:29:48

Come on, come on.

0:29:500:29:52

Yes! Yes, yes, yes!

0:29:520:29:56

Ha-ha!

0:29:560:29:58

Oh, Rory with the big move up the inside.

0:29:590:30:02

We're in front! The black cab is in front!

0:30:050:30:08

-Oh, get out of the way!

-THUDDING

0:30:090:30:11

Hey, hey, watch the paint!

0:30:110:30:13

Come on, baby, come on, hold it together.

0:30:130:30:16

OK, we're coming around the loop. Ah, the turning circle coming in.

0:30:160:30:20

More than handy there.

0:30:200:30:22

79 horsepower! 0-60 in 21 seconds.

0:30:220:30:28

-THUDDING

-Sorry!

0:30:280:30:30

And we've destroyed the Merc and the Volvo.

0:30:300:30:33

Oh, this is hopeless.

0:30:330:30:35

Slow up the hill. I got him, I got him.

0:30:350:30:37

Matt's gaining, Matt's gaining.

0:30:370:30:39

Here we go.

0:30:410:30:43

Ah, no!

0:30:440:30:46

-Thank you!

-No!

0:30:460:30:48

-Yeah.

-Oh!

0:30:480:30:51

Right, come on, old girl.

0:30:530:30:54

Here comes Chris.

0:30:560:30:59

-RATTLING

-I'm on the defensive.

0:30:590:31:01

Hold him off, hold him off! Hold him off! Hold him off...

0:31:020:31:06

ENGINE GRINDS

0:31:080:31:09

Matt's slowing down.

0:31:090:31:10

What the...?

0:31:100:31:12

LOUD CRASH

0:31:150:31:17

-What the

-BLEEP?!

0:31:170:31:18

ENGINES GO SILENT

0:31:180:31:20

Whoo!

0:31:240:31:25

Come on! Yes!

0:31:250:31:28

Ha-ha!

0:31:280:31:31

Not quite the end I'd expected.

0:31:310:31:33

HE LAUGHS

0:31:350:31:36

-Well, what happened?

-What do you mean, what happened?

0:31:390:31:42

-You weren't moving.

-I lost drive.

0:31:420:31:44

Coming up the hill, the transmission kind of let go.

0:31:440:31:46

I'll tell you what happened.

0:31:460:31:48

-I just won the race in the black cab!

-Honestly, I'm disappointed.

0:31:480:31:51

I was coming past you, and you were stationary.

0:31:510:31:54

-You weren't coming past me.

-I was. I was pushing you up the hill.

0:31:540:31:56

No, I was putting the moves on you, I was blocking you.

0:31:560:31:59

So you reckon you were not being pushed up the hill?

0:31:590:32:01

I was defensive driving the hell out of you.

0:32:010:32:03

-You weren't aware you were being pushed up the hill?

-Yeah,

0:32:030:32:05

-but that was enough to stay ahead!

-CHRIS LAUGHS

0:32:050:32:07

You would have pushed me over the finish line!

0:32:070:32:09

I'm feeling slightly guilty.

0:32:090:32:11

This car has lived for 13 years and 570,000 miles.

0:32:110:32:15

And I've had it 42 miles.

0:32:150:32:17

42 miles!

0:32:170:32:19

The last one was probably the most special.

0:32:190:32:22

-Meanwhile...

-Yeah.

-..pristine, good as new.

0:32:220:32:26

I can change that quite quickly for you.

0:32:260:32:28

THEY CHUCKLE

0:32:280:32:29

'Our quarry race had taken its toll -

0:32:330:32:35

'but, after a few hours, we were back on the road.'

0:32:350:32:40

Your Volvo looks like the Terminator near the end of the film.

0:32:400:32:44

I removed a quarter of the front of the car

0:32:480:32:51

and the warning system simply tells me, "Bulb failure, dipped beam".

0:32:510:32:56

That's how tough this car is. That's Nordic strength.

0:32:560:32:58

And also, the airbox has been a bit squashed

0:32:590:33:02

which means it now sounds like a full-house Audi Quattro.

0:33:020:33:05

So, actually, I've improved the car.

0:33:050:33:08

REVVING

0:33:080:33:11

It does sound good.

0:33:110:33:13

That is nice.

0:33:130:33:15

Ba-a-ah!

0:33:150:33:17

'At last, we were on the road to Baikonur

0:33:190:33:22

'and the producers had told us to make a stop at the next town,

0:33:220:33:25

'a place called Kyzylorda.

0:33:250:33:27

'So, we pressed on,

0:33:270:33:29

'and Chris took it upon himself to keep us entertained.'

0:33:290:33:33

Were you to drive from one side of Kazakhstan to the other

0:33:330:33:36

it's the same as driving from London to Istanbul.

0:33:360:33:39

It's basically the size of Western Europe.

0:33:390:33:42

Is it really?

0:33:420:33:44

On a smaller scale, this country was the origin of the apple tree,

0:33:440:33:49

so the apple was invented here.

0:33:490:33:52

Was it really?

0:33:520:33:54

The Kazakhs were also the first people to domesticate the horse,

0:33:540:33:58

the humble horse.

0:33:580:34:00

'But, before Chris could go full corduroy,

0:34:020:34:05

'we arrived in Kyzylorda and, at the local sports ground,

0:34:050:34:09

'we discovered apples and horses weren't all they had invented.'

0:34:090:34:13

CROWD NOISE

0:34:130:34:15

'They were playing a game called kokpar. Basically, that's goat polo.

0:34:150:34:21

'It's a professional sport in Kazakhstan,

0:34:210:34:23

'and the aim is to get the goat carcass in the goal.'

0:34:230:34:26

I got to say, this is, uh, right up there with some of the, um,

0:34:300:34:36

grossest shit I've ever seen.

0:34:360:34:38

THEY LAUGH

0:34:380:34:39

'As we wondered what else the afternoon had in store,

0:34:470:34:50

'a challenge arrived.'

0:34:500:34:52

It says, "You will need now take on some local high-mile heroes

0:34:520:34:55

"in a simple game of tag.

0:34:550:34:58

"If you tag another car, they're out.

0:34:580:35:00

"If you get tagged, you're out.

0:35:000:35:04

"Last car driving is the winner."

0:35:040:35:06

'Apparently, goat polo was just a warm up.

0:35:090:35:11

'And, as we took to the field,

0:35:110:35:13

'the atmosphere in the stands was electric.

0:35:130:35:16

'To prove which of our high-milers

0:35:180:35:20

'was the most rugged performance machine,

0:35:200:35:22

'we'll be going up against not just each other

0:35:220:35:24

'but three Steppe-hardened Lada workhorses.

0:35:240:35:27

'Proven benchmarks of reliability...'

0:35:270:35:29

REVVING

0:35:290:35:31

'..driven by a crack squad of local talent.

0:35:310:35:34

'So, with all six cars spaced out around the track,

0:35:350:35:39

'it was time for tag.'

0:35:390:35:43

Whoop, whoop, whoop. Let's go racing!

0:35:440:35:47

ENGINES REV

0:35:490:35:51

Here we go!

0:35:510:35:52

Come on, baby. Let's do this one to London.

0:35:520:35:55

-RORY:

-Oh, that Lada is mine!

0:35:560:35:58

Hey, little red Lada, I'm coming after you.

0:35:580:36:01

They're surprisingly quick, these Ladas, these local hands.

0:36:040:36:07

I think I've got the Kazakhstani rallying champion in front of me.

0:36:090:36:13

'With the Volvo and taxi both struggling in the early stages...'

0:36:160:36:20

ENGINES REVVING

0:36:200:36:22

'..it was Matt's Mercedes making all the moves.'

0:36:220:36:25

I got this red guy, I got him, I got him!

0:36:250:36:28

CRUNCHING AND THUDDING

0:36:280:36:30

CHEERING

0:36:300:36:31

Matt's got the red Lada.

0:36:310:36:33

'But Matt had forgotten to check his mirrors.'

0:36:330:36:35

Damn! CHEERING

0:36:370:36:39

I'm out. I'm out.

0:36:390:36:41

'Having taken out the Merc,

0:36:410:36:43

'the little blue Lada had a taste for blood.'

0:36:430:36:46

I'm going to hit the brake and let him fly past me!

0:36:460:36:48

He's missed! The blue Lada has missed!

0:36:500:36:53

'But then, it wasn't the blue Lada I needed to worry about.'

0:36:530:36:57

Oh, Harris is behind me.

0:36:570:36:59

No, no, no, no!

0:36:590:37:00

-Give you a little tap, Rory.

-THUD

0:37:010:37:03

Oh, Harris has got me!

0:37:030:37:05

A slight bonnet issue now, a slight bonnet issue.

0:37:060:37:09

RORY GUFFAWS

0:37:090:37:10

'With one increasingly battered Volvo left in the running,

0:37:140:37:17

'it should have been easy pickings for the two remaining Ladas,

0:37:170:37:20

'but Harris doesn't give up easily.'

0:37:200:37:23

I'm on the blue Lada now.

0:37:230:37:25

Come on, Harris, get him, get him, get him, get him, get him!

0:37:270:37:31

I'm going to tap him, I'm going to tap him.

0:37:310:37:32

CHEERING

0:37:340:37:35

A bit harsh, but there we go. He needed to know I was there!

0:37:370:37:41

Right, come on. This is the endgame.

0:37:410:37:44

He's chasing down the last Lada right now. I think he might do it.

0:37:450:37:49

I can't actually see anything. Where is he?

0:37:520:37:54

Ooh, there he is. Nudge.

0:37:540:37:56

He's got him!

0:37:560:37:58

CHEERING

0:37:580:37:59

CHRIS LAUGHS

0:37:590:38:00

Victory.

0:38:000:38:02

Finally, the Volvo gets something.

0:38:020:38:05

Way to go, Harris, all right!

0:38:060:38:09

Why is he always finishing races with his bonnet up?

0:38:090:38:11

Oh, I... It's an aero device, gives me a bit of extra front downforce.

0:38:110:38:15

RORY LAUGHS

0:38:150:38:16

A couple more screws in the bonnet this time, I think.

0:38:160:38:18

Yeah, I think so. We'll get there. We'll get the old girl to Baikonur.

0:38:180:38:22

I want to see a rocket go off.

0:38:220:38:24

To Baikonur!

0:38:240:38:25

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:38:310:38:32

You know, honestly, before that trip,

0:38:370:38:41

I had no idea that Kazakhstan was real.

0:38:410:38:44

I thought it was one of those made-up places

0:38:440:38:46

like Timbuktu or Guernsey.

0:38:460:38:48

GENTLE LAUGHTER

0:38:480:38:49

Those are both real places.

0:38:490:38:51

I know. GENTLE LAUGHTER

0:38:520:38:54

OK, James, to recap what happened there

0:38:540:38:57

for everyone's benefit and yours is that

0:38:570:38:59

the taxi won the race around the quarry. All right!

0:38:590:39:03

CHEERING

0:39:030:39:04

-Yeah, yeah?

-Don't do the dance, don't do the dance!

0:39:040:39:07

I won the race around the goat sacrifice temple.

0:39:070:39:11

Yeah, and Matt's Mercedes...

0:39:110:39:12

No, no, no, don't, don't do it. Don't bad-mouth the Mercedes.

0:39:120:39:16

Don't do it, because we're in the presence

0:39:160:39:18

of another lover of classic Merc, right?

0:39:180:39:20

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

-Am I right? Now, is it true

0:39:200:39:23

that you once owned Idi Amin's Mercedes SL?

0:39:230:39:26

-JAMES LAUGHS

-Erm...

0:39:260:39:28

I was in a movie called The Last King Of Scotland,

0:39:280:39:30

and at the end of that movie, they gave me this car that I drove in,

0:39:300:39:34

which I didn't know at the time

0:39:340:39:35

but it had belonged to somebody

0:39:350:39:37

and Idi Amin had given it to that person.

0:39:370:39:40

So they said at the end of the movie I could have it.

0:39:400:39:41

But, again, I didn't have a driver's licence

0:39:410:39:44

and I didn't really fancy driving it back from Uganda.

0:39:440:39:47

So I left it. I just left it there.

0:39:470:39:50

I think they gave it to my driver, he was a nice guy called Fred.

0:39:500:39:53

Nice. Way to go, Fred.

0:39:530:39:55

Right, now, it's time to find out how you went around the track

0:39:550:39:58

in our new reasonably fast car. Come on. How did it go out there?

0:39:580:40:02

Well, I don't think it went that well. But it was a tonne of fun.

0:40:020:40:06

-Well, what do you think? Let's see how you did.

-OK.

0:40:060:40:09

'So, here we go, then. Soaking wet track for James.

0:40:090:40:11

'Off the line. Traction control on.'

0:40:110:40:14

Big balls. Big, big balls, that's all you need.

0:40:140:40:17

'I don't disagree with you. Coming up towards the first corner.'

0:40:170:40:21

Wetter than a waterfall in a monsoon.

0:40:210:40:25

'This braking's going to be tough.

0:40:250:40:27

'There's a direction change and also a surface change.

0:40:270:40:29

'The grip levels there are terrible.

0:40:290:40:31

'Best to stay on the track, I find, there!'

0:40:310:40:33

Shut it!

0:40:330:40:35

'Blending left, turning right into Chicago.

0:40:350:40:38

'The inside line is off the frame at the moment so,

0:40:380:40:41

'actually, there's grip around the outside.'

0:40:410:40:42

Come on!

0:40:420:40:44

'Now, this is the long drag toward Hammerhead.

0:40:450:40:47

'Big braking has triggered the warning lights,

0:40:470:40:49

'you were braking so hard, that must be good.

0:40:490:40:51

'The car's going to oversteer a bit, is it? Yeah, there it goes.'

0:40:510:40:54

Whoo!

0:40:540:40:55

'I'd like to say you caught that. It wasn't, the electronics caught it.

0:40:550:40:58

'And again! That was a mid-gear change slide.

0:40:580:41:00

'That's just showing off!

0:41:000:41:02

'Now we've got this fast right here, down towards the follow-through.'

0:41:020:41:06

TYRES SCREECH

0:41:060:41:07

Yeah! Whoo!

0:41:070:41:10

'You think you're saving that, you're not. The computer's doing it.

0:41:100:41:13

'Through the follow-through. That looks terrifying.

0:41:130:41:16

-'Oh, my Lord. It looks...'

-JAMES LAUGHS

0:41:160:41:18

'You're like a sort of Scottish Ari Vatanen, aren't you?

0:41:180:41:21

'Now, coming hard into second to last, does he make the apex?

0:41:210:41:24

'He does. He clips it.'

0:41:240:41:25

-That's so slippery, isn't it?

-Yeah, it's horrible.

0:41:250:41:28

'Through Gambon. Nowhere near the racing line.

0:41:280:41:31

'And over the line.'

0:41:310:41:33

-APPLAUSE

-Thank you.

-Good effort.

0:41:330:41:36

Honestly...

0:41:360:41:37

Can I just say, before we go anywhere,

0:41:370:41:40

it was so slippery out there today.

0:41:400:41:43

-It really was treacherous.

-Yes.

0:41:430:41:45

-But it was a lot of fun because it was.

-It was a good run.

0:41:450:41:48

OK, new car means a new lap board.

0:41:480:41:50

We've already had a test day where we sent a bunch of celebs

0:41:500:41:53

out in the GT 86 to lay down some markers.

0:41:530:41:56

You can watch how they did over on Extra Gear.

0:41:560:41:58

But the fastest time so far is one minute 39.5

0:41:580:42:02

from Olympic double gold-winning gymnast Max Whitlock.

0:42:020:42:05

Oh, I loved his pommel routine, did you ever see that?

0:42:050:42:08

GENTLE LAUGHTER Elegant... Anyway, all right.

0:42:080:42:10

James, and Chris, because, frankly, this is your fault

0:42:100:42:13

if he doesn't go straight to the top, you were his instructor. Right.

0:42:130:42:17

-Feeling confident?

-Mm, not really. A little bit...

0:42:170:42:20

-Come on!

-Go on, show me.

0:42:200:42:21

All right. You did it in the wet, so it's a wet time.

0:42:210:42:26

-One minute...47.1.

-Yes...yes..

0:42:260:42:33

-Oh! That's not bad. That's not bad.

-APPLAUSE

0:42:330:42:35

That's not bad.

0:42:350:42:37

-Thank you. That's not bad.

-That's awesome. Not bad at all.

0:42:370:42:39

Right underneath Ore Oduba there.

0:42:390:42:41

-A fine effort.

-Congratulations.

-I'm the only one in the wet.

0:42:410:42:44

That's good. That is good.

0:42:440:42:46

Only one in the wet.

0:42:460:42:47

I think you guys will have a lot of fun this season

0:42:470:42:49

with the celebrities in that car

0:42:490:42:51

because you just can't control it

0:42:510:42:52

like you could that Cee'd that we both drove.

0:42:520:42:54

-When you say "fun", do you mean death?

-Yeah!

0:42:540:42:56

LAUGHTER

0:42:560:42:57

All right, James, thank you so much for coming down and playing with us.

0:42:570:43:00

Ladies and gentlemen, James McAvoy!

0:43:000:43:03

-APPLAUSE AND WHISTLING

-Thank you!

0:43:030:43:05

Now, time to return to our high-mile challenge.

0:43:080:43:13

Earlier on, the three of us each had bought a car

0:43:130:43:15

that had driven to the moon and back.

0:43:150:43:17

And we were crossing Kazakhstan

0:43:170:43:19

for an appointment with the big rocket.

0:43:190:43:21

We awoke to the chill of another morning in Kazakhstan.

0:43:250:43:28

And Chris noticed that overnight I had been busy.

0:43:280:43:32

Matt, what's going on with the back of your car?

0:43:320:43:35

Was it abducted last night by a band of amateur scaffolding people?

0:43:350:43:38

You know that the little thing you gave me

0:43:380:43:41

that lifted the ascent of the car up about four feet?

0:43:410:43:43

Well, that's me being cautious

0:43:440:43:46

and just trying to preserve the rear end of this Mercedes.

0:43:460:43:50

Despite the previous day's trials, all three of our high-milers

0:43:500:43:54

were still in the hunt for Baikonur.

0:43:540:43:57

But since we had the place to ourselves,

0:43:570:43:59

Rory had an idea to see whose car was holding together best.

0:43:590:44:03

How about a top speed challenge?

0:44:030:44:06

But here's the twist - this is all about reliability.

0:44:060:44:09

So I think we should find out whose car gets closest

0:44:090:44:12

to their manufacturer's claimed top speed.

0:44:120:44:15

-That sounds good.

-Chris, you're up first.

0:44:150:44:18

And the Volvo's top speed?

0:44:180:44:20

125mph.

0:44:200:44:23

Three, two, one, go for it!

0:44:230:44:26

WHEELS SPIN

0:44:260:44:28

ENGINE ROARS

0:44:280:44:29

-It's pretty aggressive.

-Yeah.

0:44:290:44:32

That's the half a million mile clutch he's working with.

0:44:340:44:37

THEY CHUCKLE

0:44:370:44:38

Come on, Volvo!

0:44:380:44:40

Fourth, come on.

0:44:400:44:41

That's 90.

0:44:410:44:43

If Volvos are as reliable as he says they are, this should be no problem.

0:44:430:44:48

I'm not even 100.

0:44:490:44:51

Not even 100, come on!

0:44:510:44:54

-How are the kids?

-Good. Yours?

-Yeah, not too bad.

0:44:560:44:58

-All right.

-Right.

0:45:000:45:01

-How did we do?

-I blame you for what just happened there.

0:45:010:45:06

I've got terrible aero and no power cos my airbox has moved

0:45:060:45:09

because you stopped your vehicle on the first challenge, and I hit you.

0:45:090:45:14

-That's my fault?

-Yeah, that's your fault.

0:45:140:45:16

-Who hit who?

-Who stopped?

-Who hit who?

-Who stopped?

0:45:160:45:20

-Who hit who?

-I couldn't have hit the thing if it hadn't stopped.

0:45:200:45:23

If there's a policeman standing there, you'd be in trouble.

0:45:230:45:26

Do they have policeman at race circuits?

0:45:260:45:28

It wasn't a race circuit, we were in a hole in the ground.

0:45:280:45:32

THEY ALL LAUGH

0:45:320:45:33

Look, the news is, 104mph,

0:45:330:45:36

which is not good enough cos this thing should do 124, 125.

0:45:360:45:39

So I'm 20mph back. So go and do your worst, I'm going to lose.

0:45:390:45:43

Next up, my European E-Class,

0:45:430:45:47

with its 180 kilometres per hour top speed.

0:45:470:45:50

Go!

0:45:500:45:52

There's 100.

0:45:550:45:57

There's 120.

0:45:580:46:00

-Did they really invent apples in Kazakhstan?

-Yeah, apparently.

0:46:010:46:05

I just think, if they invented the apple,

0:46:070:46:09

then we should try an actual Kazakhstani apple.

0:46:090:46:12

I'd love to have an apple.

0:46:120:46:13

155.

0:46:130:46:16

Russet's that sort of thick-skinned, amber-coloured apple,

0:46:160:46:18

delicious things. The juice from them makes a very good drink.

0:46:180:46:22

-Come on, then, what's the number?

-Take a guess.

0:46:240:46:27

160.

0:46:270:46:28

-Wow, on the money.

-160?

-160, that's about 100 miles an hour.

0:46:280:46:32

So, by getting within about 12mph of my top speed, I had edged Chris.

0:46:320:46:39

But I'd left the door open for Rory's 81mph taxi.

0:46:390:46:42

Go!

0:46:420:46:44

-Come on, black can.

-Takes off like a shot.

0:46:440:46:47

40.

0:46:470:46:48

45.

0:46:480:46:51

He was hardly the figure of humility when he won last time,

0:46:510:46:53

what's he going to be like this time?

0:46:530:46:55

81mph.

0:46:550:46:57

Ahhh! Yeah!

0:46:570:46:59

Unbearable.

0:46:590:47:00

RORY LAUGHS

0:47:000:47:03

It just gets better with time.

0:47:030:47:05

Like a fine wine.

0:47:050:47:07

Right, gentlemen.

0:47:070:47:09

Give me the good news or the bad news.

0:47:090:47:11

Well, I'm afraid it's bad news for you, but good news for me.

0:47:110:47:15

I managed 84mph.

0:47:150:47:17

3mph more than the manufacturer's quoted top speed.

0:47:190:47:23

-What?

-84mph.

-Really?

0:47:230:47:26

-Hey, come on, you got to give it up for the taxi, right?

-Yeah.

0:47:260:47:29

-I guess so, yeah.

-Jump back in your cars, see if you can keep up.

0:47:290:47:33

Nice one...

0:47:350:47:36

(A-hole.)

0:47:360:47:37

I didn't expect the taxi to go faster than it did

0:47:390:47:43

when it left the factory.

0:47:430:47:45

That's amazing.

0:47:450:47:46

With begrudging respect for the black cab, we headed on.

0:47:460:47:50

And before long, I made a discovery.

0:47:500:47:53

Hey, there's a David Hasselhoff cassette in the stereo.

0:47:530:47:57

Check it out.

0:47:570:47:58

# I've been looking for freedom

0:47:580:48:01

# But it can't be found... #

0:48:010:48:05

He's been looking for freedom, but it can't be found.

0:48:060:48:09

But as the hours dragged on...

0:48:140:48:16

I'm finding the flatness quite imposing now.

0:48:180:48:21

You wouldn't want to break down out here, would you?

0:48:230:48:25

..we were told to head to our last overnight stop...

0:48:280:48:31

So that's it, that's quite literally the end of the road.

0:48:310:48:34

..located somewhere within the vast emptiness

0:48:340:48:37

that surrounded the Baikonur Cosmodrome.

0:48:370:48:40

That's a dried up salt bed.

0:48:460:48:48

Wow!

0:48:480:48:50

That's like Kazakhstan's Bonneville.

0:48:500:48:52

Driving on into the dark, inky gloom,

0:49:020:49:05

eventually we arrived at our overnight stop

0:49:050:49:09

where our final challenge awaited.

0:49:090:49:12

-Oh, hello.

-What does it say?

0:49:130:49:16

It says, "Tomorrow you drive to Baikonur.

0:49:160:49:20

"You must reach the border gate by 2pm.

0:49:200:49:23

"At 9am tomorrow, your mileage trips will be reset.

0:49:230:49:26

"The winner is the high-miler that racks up the most miles

0:49:260:49:30

"over the subsequent five hours.

0:49:300:49:33

"Only the winning car will attend the launch.

0:49:330:49:36

"The two losing cars will be sentenced to hard labour."

0:49:360:49:39

All right, OK.

0:49:390:49:41

# I'm looking for freedom... #

0:49:410:49:44

You know what I'm going to do when I get home?

0:49:440:49:46

I'm going to dig out my Hoff collection.

0:49:460:49:48

You should go to a doctor.

0:49:480:49:49

With the rest of the night to consider our strategies...

0:49:510:49:55

..the next morning, we awoke to a tantalising sight.

0:49:560:49:59

-Oh, wow!

-Oh, yeah, look at that!

0:50:040:50:07

Yes, the Baikonur Cosmodrome was almost within reach.

0:50:070:50:11

But with our trip meters covered and reset,

0:50:150:50:17

first there was a challenge to win.

0:50:170:50:19

And Chris was late.

0:50:190:50:22

LAUGHTER

0:50:220:50:26

What have you done?

0:50:260:50:28

Mind your own business, Matthew.

0:50:280:50:31

All right, all right. Most miles when we get to Baikonur wins.

0:50:320:50:36

Three...two...

0:50:360:50:38

one, let's rock.

0:50:380:50:40

If he's going to roar it, why's he not moving?

0:50:430:50:45

I don't know, and maybe the taxi finally packed it in.

0:50:450:50:48

So, clearly I'm not going to beat those guys in a head-to-head race.

0:50:490:50:52

I need to be smart about this challenge,

0:50:520:50:55

and approach things with a bit more cunning.

0:50:550:50:58

A cagey start from the others,

0:51:000:51:02

but my plan was simple -

0:51:020:51:03

more speed means more miles.

0:51:030:51:06

The easy way to make your car quicker is to lose weight.

0:51:060:51:09

Seats are gone,

0:51:090:51:10

door panels gone.

0:51:100:51:12

And I figured the best place to take my new superlight racer

0:51:130:51:17

was back to Kazakhstan's Bonneville.

0:51:170:51:19

Even if that did mean...

0:51:190:51:22

another lengthy, off-road drive to reach it.

0:51:220:51:25

Meanwhile, in Harris's Volvo...

0:51:270:51:29

Ha-ha, a road!

0:51:290:51:31

..Chris was heading for a nearby town

0:51:310:51:34

with his own harebrained strategy.

0:51:340:51:36

Speed is in the mind, so to change my mind-set,

0:51:360:51:40

I've invoked Volvo's racing history here.

0:51:400:51:44

You remember?

0:51:460:51:47

The year was 1994 and British touring car legend

0:51:470:51:50

Rickard Rydell debuted the Volvo 850 Estate.

0:51:500:51:53

Surely the coolest estate car ever.

0:51:570:51:59

Add to that a...perfectly safe range-extending fuel tank

0:52:020:52:05

and you have the ultimate high-mileage maker.

0:52:050:52:08

I just needed somewhere to use it.

0:52:080:52:10

So, I did a bit of research last night.

0:52:100:52:12

There is an airfield near here, I don't quite know where,

0:52:120:52:15

but I know it's nearby.

0:52:150:52:17

The second thing I did last night was to learn a Russian phrase.

0:52:170:52:21

"Where's the airfield?"

0:52:210:52:22

Here we are, I'll ask this woman here.

0:52:220:52:24

SPEAKS RUSSIAN

0:52:240:52:28

No, she didn't want to know.

0:52:280:52:30

She didn't want to...

0:52:300:52:32

'Now, while the others wasted valuable time

0:52:320:52:35

'finding places they could up the pace...'

0:52:350:52:38

Into gear.

0:52:380:52:39

Now for some revs.

0:52:420:52:43

'..I opted for a short cut.'

0:52:430:52:46

Right, this is it.

0:52:480:52:50

Let the high mileage begin.

0:52:500:52:53

Woohoo!

0:52:560:52:58

SPEAKS RUSSIAN

0:52:590:53:01

No, that's not happening.

0:53:010:53:03

Though I swear I heard one of them say, "Is that Rickard Rydell?"

0:53:030:53:06

SPEAKS RUSSIAN

0:53:060:53:09

That was it.

0:53:200:53:21

We're on. This direction.

0:53:210:53:23

Woohoo!

0:53:260:53:28

Now, this is what I call easy miles.

0:53:300:53:33

Nice and soft terrain, not too hard on the car.

0:53:330:53:36

RUMBLING AND CLANKING

0:53:360:53:40

What the hell was that?

0:53:420:53:43

Something's come wildly loose,

0:53:450:53:46

I don't know if it's that bar on the back or what.

0:53:460:53:49

In fact, it was worse.

0:53:490:53:52

And with no time to lose,

0:53:520:53:53

the Mercedes needed the delicate touch of a professional.

0:53:530:53:57

Saved a little more weight.

0:54:100:54:11

After a slow start over in the Volvo...

0:54:190:54:21

..Rickard Rydell had finally found his airfield.

0:54:220:54:26

100 miles an hour.

0:54:290:54:31

What a place!

0:54:330:54:34

High banking at Daytona.

0:54:370:54:39

I really like this car.

0:54:390:54:40

She may be old, she may be almost worn out,

0:54:400:54:44

but she's got heart, she really does.

0:54:440:54:46

'After three hours of flat-out, lightweight racing though...'

0:54:460:54:51

A fuel light just came on.

0:54:510:54:53

'..it was time to start the long drive back.'

0:54:530:54:56

OK, Baikonur!

0:54:560:54:58

Now, Rory was also running low on fuel, but he had thought ahead.

0:55:000:55:04

-Ouch!

-BLEEP!

0:55:070:55:09

No!

0:55:150:55:17

Oh, that is dead.

0:55:220:55:24

That's dead, isn't it? That's definitely dead.

0:55:270:55:30

Oh, man!

0:55:320:55:34

Back in my range-extended Volvo, things were looking tasty.

0:55:340:55:40

I'm averaging a lot of miles an hour here.

0:55:410:55:44

A lot of miles an hour.

0:55:440:55:46

And while I was piling on the miles, Matt...

0:55:470:55:50

wasn't.

0:55:500:55:51

All right, finally a little bit of smooth road.

0:55:510:55:54

CLUNKING

0:55:540:55:56

Oh, spoke too soon.

0:55:560:55:59

But then, somehow...

0:55:590:56:01

..the cab was back.

0:56:030:56:05

How is this car still running? Unbelievable!

0:56:070:56:10

I love this car.

0:56:130:56:14

We're a team.

0:56:150:56:18

Whatever happens, we're a team.

0:56:180:56:20

'And at last...'

0:56:220:56:23

This is it, this is it.

0:56:230:56:25

'..this team reached the entrance to the Cosmodrome.'

0:56:250:56:28

I'm the first one here,

0:56:280:56:30

so I may as well do a few of my legendary tiny turning circles.

0:56:300:56:34

Every mile counts. Every mile counts.

0:56:340:56:37

And with just a few minutes left...

0:56:390:56:42

Hey, there you are!

0:56:420:56:44

..it was a desperate fight to add distance.

0:56:440:56:48

I can add some miles too, man, two can play at that game.

0:56:480:56:52

Where's Harris?

0:56:550:56:57

-Oh,

-BLEEP!

0:56:590:57:01

Rory, Rory, that's it. Two o'clock. Two o'clock, the party is over.

0:57:030:57:08

How's your head? Dizzy?

0:57:110:57:13

Dizzy.

0:57:130:57:14

That is becoming his signature look.

0:57:160:57:18

Maybe he can't see where he's going.

0:57:180:57:20

-Gentlemen.

-How did you do?

0:57:220:57:24

-Well, quietly confident, but let's see what happens.

-Who's this?

0:57:240:57:29

He must be checking the mileage.

0:57:290:57:31

He's got a lovely wrist action on that ratchet.

0:57:340:57:37

-Thank you, thank you very much.

-OK, Matt.

0:57:380:57:41

OK, I have here the results.

0:57:430:57:47

In third place, with 211 miles...

0:57:470:57:50

Mr Chris Harris.

0:57:500:57:52

-Oh!

-Congratulations.

0:57:520:57:54

In second place, with 284 miles...

0:57:580:58:01

-..Mr Matt LeBlanc.

-Come on!

0:58:030:58:06

-That's right.

-Say it, say it.

0:58:060:58:09

In first place, with 329 miles, Mr Rory Reid in the black taxi.

0:58:090:58:16

Way to go, man.

0:58:170:58:19

Hang on, hang on, look at this.

0:58:210:58:23

Oh, really? Is that what's happening?

0:58:240:58:28

The losers lose their cars.

0:58:290:58:31

'So we had our winner.

0:58:330:58:34

'And as the others set off toward their new life of service

0:58:340:58:38

'on the Kazakh Steppe...'

0:58:380:58:40

I'd become rather fond of my Volvo, Matt.

0:58:400:58:43

Yeah, I'm going to miss that old car.

0:58:430:58:46

'The truth is, all our high-milers had proven their worth.

0:58:460:58:50

'And now, all that remained were the last few miles

0:58:500:58:54

'into the heart of the Cosmodrome and the launch site.

0:58:540:58:57

'This would be the black cab's victory lap.'

0:58:570:59:00

-Where you headed?

-Rocket launch?

-Jump in.

0:59:000:59:03

And it gave us a chance to consider something.

0:59:040:59:08

You see, to most people, cars are just a tool, a runaround.

0:59:080:59:12

You might run one for 60, 70,

0:59:130:59:17

even 100,000 miles and think it's had its day.

0:59:170:59:20

But the truth is, it could do so much more.'

0:59:200:59:24

Back in the '50s, the US and Soviet Union's fierce battle

0:59:240:59:28

for global engineering dominance propelled mankind into space.

0:59:280:59:33

The Cold War thawed just for a moment

0:59:340:59:37

as the world stood in collective wonder at what we could achieve.

0:59:370:59:42

It was an event that marked one of the most intense periods

0:59:420:59:46

of technological development in human history -

0:59:460:59:49

and it brought us to today, where right now,

0:59:490:59:53

sat on your driveway, you could have a car,

0:59:530:59:56

a car, that's been so well engineered,

0:59:561:00:01

it'll go the distance to the moon and back, and beyond.

1:00:011:00:05

Wow!

1:00:111:00:12

I still can't get that Hasselhoff song out of my head.

1:01:151:01:18

THEY LAUGH

1:01:181:01:20

APPLAUSE

1:01:201:01:24

Amazing cars, indestructible. Indestructible.

1:01:241:01:27

OK, so, Rory, we know why our cars aren't here,

1:01:271:01:31

they're doing hard labour in Kazakhstan.

1:01:311:01:33

But where's your little black cab,

1:01:331:01:35

did you not want to drive it back the 3,000 miles from Baikonur?

1:01:351:01:37

I'd have loved to have driven my taxi home,

1:01:371:01:40

but it had a higher calling, a public duty.

1:01:401:01:42

Check this out.

1:01:421:01:43

See that?

1:01:431:01:44

APPLAUSE

1:01:441:01:47

That's been immortalised, OK? It's a symbol of hope.

1:01:491:01:53

Yeah, you know, that was really nice.

1:01:531:01:56

The good men and women of Baikonur,

1:01:561:01:58

they can look up at your humble taxi,

1:01:581:02:01

symbol of Britain, of London,

1:02:011:02:03

and think, thank God I don't have to drive one of those.

1:02:031:02:05

Don't hate a winner, Matt.

1:02:051:02:07

-Don't do the dance, don't do the dance.

-No dancing.

1:02:071:02:10

OK, next week, convertible supercars in the USA,

1:02:101:02:14

the Alfa Romeo Giulia and one very broken windscreen.

1:02:141:02:17

-Thanks for watching.

-Yeah, we'll see you all next week.

1:02:171:02:20

-ALL:

-Goodnight.

1:02:201:02:21

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