The King of Comedy


The King of Comedy

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Transcript


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MC: 'And now, from New York,

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'the Jerry Langford Show.

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'Jerry's guests -

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'Tony Randall,

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'Richard Dreyfus, Rodney Dangerfield,

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'Dr Joyce Brothers, Lou Brown and the orchestra.'

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And little old me, Ed Herlihy.

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And now, say hello...

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to Jerry!

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APPLAUSE

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CHEERING

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WHISTLING

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MUSIC STOPS

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Thank you very much. You look like a great audience.

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Lou Brown, ladies and gentlemen and the marvellous Langford Orchestra.

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And Ed, how are you tonight?

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-I'm very well.

-I'm sorry I woke you.

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LAUGHTER

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If you want Jerry's autograph, give me the books.

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Give me the books. OK.

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MAN: Have him write something personal.

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Half an hour! Goodbye.

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MAN MUTTERS

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Hiya, Rupert.

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Hey, Rupert, who did you get?

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I got Rodney Dangerfield. I'll trade it for Barbra.

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Sidney, I'm really not that interested.

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-It's not my whole life -

-What's that supposed to mean?

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It's not my whole life.

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It's yours, but not mine.

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EXCITED SCREAMING

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SCREAMING

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Jerry, excuse me.

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I love you.

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Don't go, Jerry.

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No!

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Would you stop shoving?

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Are you OK?

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HUBBUB DROWNS SPEECH

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Jerry! No, no!

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MUSIC: "Come Rain Or Come Shine" by Ray Charles

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# I'm gonna love you

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# Like no-one's loved you

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# Come rain or come shine

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# High as a mountain

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# Deep as a river

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# Come rain or come shine

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# I guess when you met me

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# It was just one of those things

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# But don't ever bet me

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# Cos I'm gonna be true

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# Well, if you let me

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# You're gonna love me

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# Like nobody's loved me

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# Come rain or come shine

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# Happy together

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# Unhappy together

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# Wouldn't it be fine?

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# Days may be cloudy or sunny

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# We're in or we're out of the money

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# Yeah

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# I'm with you always

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# I'm with you rain

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# Or shine

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# Yeah. #

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SCREAMING

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No, will you just please...?

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OK!

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Stand back! Stand back!

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Please let Mr Langford get some air.

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Stand back!

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Get your hands off me!

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Jerry, I'm sorry. I don't mean to disturb you.

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-I just want to talk to you.

-This is not the time.

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If we could just drive away.

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-I'll talk while we drive.

-Drive away?

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I don't like people getting in the car.

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I don't mean to be rude, but I put myself on the line for you.

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Go ahead, Harvey. Hit it.

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HORN BEEPS

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Here.

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Thanks.

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-Is that your initials?

-Yeah.

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I want to tell you, my name is Rupert Pupkin.

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It means nothing to you, but it means an awful lot to me.

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Calm down. Calm down. Take your time.

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You might have wondered who I am.

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I've been outside your show many times.

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I'm in communications right now,

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but by nature I'm a comedian, you know.

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I know what you'll say. "Oh, no, not another one."

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Believe me, I'm good. I'm dynamite.

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I wouldn't take your time if I wasn't convinced I'm dynamite.

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You wonder, if I'm so good, why haven't you caught my act somewhere.

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I'll tell you why.

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Up till now, I've bided my time slowly and carefully.

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So that when my big break came, like you when Jack Parr got sick.

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That night convinced me I wanted to be a comedian.

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I walked out of that show like I was in a dream.

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I saw you on Sullivan.

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I studied everything you did.

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I studied the way you built your one-liners, nice and relaxed.

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How you didn't say, "Folks, here's the punch line."

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You know what I'm talking about?

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You don't say, "Here's the punch line." You just do it.

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Exactly. That's what I love.

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What I'm trying to say is,

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now I'm ready.

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I've finished the course.

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And I'm thinking, as I sit here now, that maybe this is my big break.

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You know what I mean?

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What do you think?

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-What did you say your name was?

-Rupert Pupkin.

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Look, pal, I gotta tell you this is a crazy business.

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But it's not unlike others. There are ground rules.

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You don't walk on to a network show without experience.

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It's a hackneyed expression, but you have to start at the bottom.

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-I know. That's where I am.

-That's perfect.

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I know that but there's gotta be...

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It looks so simple to the viewer at home.

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Those things that are so relaxed and look like it's a matter of just taking another breath,

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it takes years and years of honing it.

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I don't mean to interrupt you, but the problem is I'm 34 years old.

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I'm asking you to listen to my act, that's all.

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Tell me what you think about it.

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I'll tell you what.

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Why don't you call my office and ask for Cathy Long, my secretary?

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We'll make time for you.

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I had this conversation in my head many times.

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-Did it always turn out this way?

-Yeah, it did.

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I believe when you get over the initial shyness, you'll be OK.

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-Yeah?

-Yeah.

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I hope it works out for you, Rupert.

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Thanks, Jerry. Thanks a lot.

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It was a pleasure meeting you, Jerry.

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Jerry. I'm a little short on cash, but I'd love to take you to dinner.

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I've got people waiting for me.

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OK.

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Thanks, Jerry. Jerry. Let me show you a picture of my pride and joy.

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-That's good.

-That's good, is it?

-Yeah, it is.

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Hey, Jerry, take it.

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Take it. Go ahead.

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Consider it a gift.

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I will.

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Jerry!

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Seriously, you ever want lunch, my treat.

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Call my office.

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OK.

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Jerry,

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you're a prince.

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Hey, Rupe, I really appreciate you meeting me for lunch.

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I know how busy and how tired you are.

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What are friends for, Jerry?

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-You're the one who looks tired.

-Yeah, I know.

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It's the show.

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The pressure, the ratings.

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The same guests, the same questions.

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I'm not enjoying it any more.

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That's...the worst.

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Listen. I really wish you'd think about it again.

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What? You're starting again?

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You're starting up again?

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-It's not that big a deal to think.

-I am thinking.

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I do. I think day and night about it.

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How can I not think about it?

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I'm having lunch with you, which is why you invited me.

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I'm just getting guilty with you.

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I want you to take over the show for six weeks. What's six weeks?

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I'll give you anything, but don't ask me to do the show for six weeks.

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I can't even take over my own life for six weeks.

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You're asking me to do something impossible.

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-Rupert!

-What?

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What are you doing down there?

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It's impossible! Do you want the tears to come out of my eyes?

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There must be a way to work it out. It's just six weeks.

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Excuse me. ..Mr Pupkin?

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-Do you think you could...?

-Yeah.

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What's your name, dear?

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-Dolores.

-Dolores? That was my father's name.

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"To Dolores...

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"Sensed greatness."

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There you go, sweetheart.

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-Thanks, Mr Pupkin.

-Don't mention it.

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MOM: Rupert! Who are you talking to?

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-Mom!

-What is it?

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PLEASE stop calling me.

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It's terrific. It's great.

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There's only one problem.

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-He made you bigger.

-Will you give me an answer?

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All right, you got the six weeks.

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Don't bother me. I'll give you the six weeks. Are you happy now?

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-You're a tough man, Rupe.

-You gotta be in this business.

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PHONE RINGS

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PHONE RINGS

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-Hello.

-'Hello. It's Masha, Jerry.'

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Who? Who is this?

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'It's Masha. I left a note on the back seat.'

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'I dropped it before they dragged me out.'

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'Those guys hurt me. I think it was a bit much.'

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-How did you get this number?

-'Don't get angry.'

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How did you get this number?

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'I've been trying to call you...'

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HE TAKES PHONE OFF HOOK

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How have you been, Rita?

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Do I know you?

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I think you might.

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Rupert.

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-Rupert Pupkin, right?

-Right.

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I brought you a little present.

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Oh, yeah, I remember.

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Mr Romance.

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An aspirin will help it last.

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So, what are you up to these days?

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You're looking as beautiful as ever, Rita.

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Here I am. Local cheerleader makes good.

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You know,

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it's funny, but I voted for you in Miss Beautiful.

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-Did you? That was sweet.

-I didn't have the nerve to tell you.

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Now you can tell me. We're both adults.

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Isn't that funny, though?

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When you're younger, you're afraid to say those things.

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15, 20 years later, you can say all those things you should have.

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Isn't that the final irony of life?

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I guess.

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Are you happy in this place, Rita?

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-Why? You got something better?

-Maybe.

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-Like what?

-What are you doing tonight?

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What am I doing tonight?

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What's so funny?

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It only took you 15 years to ask me for a date. It's a little late.

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Really?

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Well...

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Waiter.

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Can I have a fresh one?

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Rita.

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Who is your favourite movie star?

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What is this? Some kind of a game?

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Will you tell me something about my character?

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You'll see. Everybody has a favourite movie star.

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I'd better come up with somebody or we won't get out of here.

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-That's a little test.

-Oh, let's see.

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Marilyn Monroe.

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Perfect.

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Ballot register, huh?

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That's her name.

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She signed this on the publicity tour for The Misfits.

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-That was her last movie.

-Yeah.

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She wasn't a great actress, but she did have a real gift for comedy.

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She died tragically alone like many of the world's beautiful women.

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I don't want to see that happen to you.

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Who's this?

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Burt Reynolds.

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Mel Brooks. He's what you call "on" funny.

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Others are just regular.

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Sid Caesar is remarkable.

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I like him. He's great.

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-Woody Allen is a personal friend of mine.

-Of course he is.

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No, he is.

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That's Ernie Kovacs.

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He was wonderful.

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He was a great comedian. A great innovator. A great loss.

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I bet these are worth money.

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Oh, yeah. Especially this one. Just hold it.

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Who's this?

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Just take a guess.

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It looks like a retard wrote this.

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The more scribbled the name, the bigger the fame.

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That may be true, but who is it?

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R is the first letter.

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-Who is it? I'm tired.

-I'll give you a hint.

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Oooh.

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Robert Redford.

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No.

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No, no.

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That's Rupert Pupkin.

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Rupert Pupkin.

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I surprised you, didn't I?

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Take this as a gift.

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Take care of it. Everyone will want one.

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Rupert, you have not changed.

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Today, do you know who I was talking to? Guess.

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Your shrink?

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That's very funny.

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No. Jerry Langford.

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Yes. THE Jerry Langford. He gave me the go-ahead.

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And you know what? Don't tell anyone,

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but you're with the new King of Comedy.

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Why not me?

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Why not? A guy can get anything he wants if he pays the price.

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What's so funny? Crazier things have happened.

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You don't understand what a shot on Langford means.

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It's national TV. A bigger audience than you could get in a lifetime.

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A shot at the comedy circuit.

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A comedy show of my own. The Rupert Pupkin Show. Everything.

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That all leads to Hollywood.

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A beach house in Malibu.

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We'll keep a suite at the Sheri. Everybody big stays there.

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Up top, so we can look down and yell, "Tough luck, suckers."

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Come on. What do you say?

0:19:360:19:38

It sounds wonderful, Rupert,

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but it's getting late and I'm a working girl.

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-I gotta go home.

-I don't get you.

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Here I am offering you a way out.

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Rita,

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every king needs a queen.

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I want you to be mine.

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Thanks.

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It's a very nice street. Nice building.

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-Thanks for your jacket, Rupert.

-Oh.

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I guess you're entitled to come up and have some coffee.

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No. I wouldn't want to impose, really.

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What do you want, Rupert?

0:20:100:20:12

What?

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What do you want?

0:20:160:20:18

What do I want?

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You still don't understand? I love you.

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I want to help change your life. Just give me a chance.

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What if I set something up between me, you and Jerry?

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What if we went out for dinner? What do you think?

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Or we'll go to his summer house.

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-He wouldn't want to meet me.

-Not true.

0:20:380:20:41

Jerry is a very nice guy.

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He's a nice guy and we had a terrific meeting.

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Don't sell yourself short.

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You have too little faith. You're wonderful.

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Why don't you go to sleep and get a good night's rest?

0:20:550:20:58

OK?

0:20:580:21:00

OK.

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-Good night, Rupert.

-Good night.

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Go to sleep right away.

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I tell you, boy.

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Hiya, Liza. Good seeing you.

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Jerry. Good seeing you.

0:21:250:21:27

Jerry. Don't get up.

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Ah, boy, I'll tell you.

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Every time you come back from a tour,

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something in the air really becomes you.

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It's like you're rejuvenated.

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Isn't that so, everybody? Isn't that so?

0:21:400:21:43

Yeah, that's the truth.

0:21:430:21:46

Amazing. You look wonderful.

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You look wonderful, too, Jerry.

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I wasn't leaving you out.

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What?

0:21:530:21:55

Yeah!

0:21:550:21:57

Ah, Jerry. I love this guy.

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You always come out with these great lines.

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You're wonderful.

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I don't know what I'd do without you.

0:22:100:22:12

MOM: Rupert, your bus is here.

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Try to be on time for once!

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I can't believe this.

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I gotta go now. I gotta catch a bus.

0:22:190:22:21

Jerry, take care of yourself.

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Baby, be good. Good luck in Rio.

0:22:230:22:26

-Good morning, Rupert.

-Good morning.

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-How are you?

-This is for you.

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Work.

0:22:350:22:37

-What time is it?

-Ten o'clock.

0:22:390:22:42

Ten o'clock? Can I use the phone for one second?

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Is it local? Sure. Just dial 9 and make it short.

0:22:450:22:49

Hello. Jerry Langford, please.

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Rupert Pupkin.

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Thank you.

0:23:010:23:03

Yes.

0:23:030:23:05

Is Jerry there, please? Rupert Pupkin.

0:23:050:23:08

Yes. Just tell him it's Rupert calling. He'll know what it's about.

0:23:080:23:13

Oh.

0:23:150:23:17

Oh, he is? That's OK. I'm in a meeting myself.

0:23:170:23:21

Just tell him I called, OK? Thank you.

0:23:210:23:23

And I'll call later. Bye.

0:23:230:23:25

Is that THE Jerry Langford?

0:23:250:23:28

I'll see you.

0:23:280:23:30

Hello. Jerry Langford, please.

0:23:320:23:35

Rupert Pupkin.

0:23:350:23:37

Rupert Pupkin calling Jerry Langford.

0:23:370:23:40

Which, the first or the second name?

0:23:410:23:43

P-U-P-K-I-N. It's often mispronounced and misspelled.

0:23:430:23:47

So that's quite...

0:23:470:23:49

Yes, Jerry knows what I'm calling about.

0:23:490:23:53

I see, I see.

0:23:530:23:55

I see. Yes, you can call me.

0:23:560:23:58

I'll be here for the next hour and a half.

0:23:580:24:01

I'm at my office.

0:24:010:24:03

The number is JL5-4321.

0:24:030:24:06

Don't worry. I am waiting for a phone call.

0:24:130:24:16

All these phones don't work.

0:24:160:24:19

The phone does not work.

0:24:190:24:21

I am expecting a phone call.

0:24:210:24:23

Let me try. I'll make a phone call.

0:24:230:24:25

Hey, wait, wait, wait!

0:24:250:24:27

Let me just slide in. Let me just make a call!

0:24:270:24:30

This phone don't work!

0:24:320:24:34

POLICE SIREN STARTS UP

0:24:370:24:39

-Yes, sir?

-Jerry Langford, please.

0:25:070:25:09

-Your name, please?

-Pupkin. Rupert Pupkin.

0:25:090:25:12

Rupert...

0:25:140:25:16

Pupkin. P-U-P-K-I-N.

0:25:160:25:18

People often misspell it or mispronounce it.

0:25:180:25:21

There's a man here by the name of Rupert Pumpkin.

0:25:230:25:27

To see Mr Langford.

0:25:270:25:29

I'm sorry, Mr Pumpkin,

0:25:320:25:34

but his secretary has no record of your appointment.

0:25:340:25:38

Pardon me?

0:25:390:25:41

We have no record of an appointment.

0:25:410:25:43

Technically speaking, I don't have an official appointment.

0:25:430:25:48

But he did ask me to call him personally.

0:25:480:25:51

I had trouble calling for some reason.

0:25:510:25:54

The line seemed to be busy.

0:25:540:25:56

He has no appointment.

0:25:560:25:59

His secretary wants to know what this is in reference to.

0:25:590:26:03

Hello.

0:26:030:26:06

Jerry and I discussed my being on the show. He told me to call.

0:26:060:26:10

Oh, sure, sure. Sure.

0:26:110:26:13

I'm supposed to wait.

0:26:140:26:16

Is that cork?

0:26:510:26:53

I don't know what it is.

0:26:530:26:55

-Is it dripping on you?

-No. I was looking at the patterns.

0:26:550:26:59

Cork is good for sound.

0:27:010:27:03

It's very quiet in here.

0:27:040:27:07

Reception. No, you've got an hour or so before they come.

0:27:070:27:11

No, he hasn't come back.

0:27:120:27:15

Mr Pipkin?

0:27:150:27:17

-Pupkin.

-I'm Cathy Long. Can I help you?

0:27:170:27:20

I'm Bert Thomas's assistant.

0:27:200:27:22

He's our executive producer.

0:27:220:27:24

I've already spoken to Jerry directly about being on the show.

0:27:240:27:28

He told me to get in touch personally.

0:27:280:27:31

-What is it that you do?

-I'm a stand-up comic.

0:27:310:27:34

Right now I'm just working on new material.

0:27:340:27:38

As soon as you start working again,

0:27:380:27:40

call us and we'll send someone to check out your act.

0:27:400:27:44

Jerry and I went over this last night.

0:27:440:27:47

-Does Jerry know your work?

-Yes. I don't think he does.

0:27:470:27:51

-Do you have a tape I can listen to?

-A tape? Naturally.

0:27:510:27:55

-Drop me by a tape.

-I will.

0:27:550:27:57

I can see why Jerry would need that.

0:27:570:27:59

-Of course. Nice meeting you.

-Nice meeting you, too.

0:27:590:28:03

This is really what's right.

0:28:030:28:06

This is great.

0:28:060:28:08

See you again. Nice talking to you.

0:28:080:28:10

Rupert. Hey, Rupert!

0:28:200:28:22

I've got to talk to you. What happened last night?

0:28:220:28:26

-Nothing happened.

-Did he talk about me?

0:28:260:28:29

-No. He talked about me.

-He must have said something about me.

0:28:290:28:33

What's he gonna say about you after what you did in the car?

0:28:330:28:37

You must really love this, Rupert.

0:28:370:28:39

-You were schmucko supremo.

-I'm the schmuck, me?

0:28:390:28:43

You're very wrong, buddy.

0:28:430:28:45

If I hadn't gotten in that car,

0:28:450:28:48

-you couldn't have talked to Jerry.

-What?

-Yes!

0:28:480:28:51

I don't want to be cruel, but God forbid he should see me with you.

0:28:510:28:56

Jerry and I have a real relationship. No fantasy world.

0:28:560:29:00

I don't even want to see you any more.

0:29:000:29:03

If that's how you want it.

0:29:030:29:05

-I'm sorry.

-Just get it to him!

0:29:060:29:09

I'm giving him nothing. No way, Jose.

0:29:090:29:11

-You're so friendly. You do it.

-We have communication problems.

0:29:110:29:16

Is that what you call it? Go ahead. Give it to him.

0:29:160:29:20

Just do this for me. I've done things for you.

0:29:200:29:23

You haven't done anything for me! What do you mean?

0:29:230:29:27

How about Howard Johnson's? I brought you coffee every night.

0:29:270:29:31

I think your mind is screwed up.

0:29:310:29:33

-I bought my own coffee.

-You never bought anything!

0:29:330:29:37

I did things for you that NO money can buy.

0:29:370:29:40

What about the time I gave you my spot?

0:29:400:29:43

I let you get next to Jerry. I waited for eight hours for him.

0:29:430:29:47

You were crying and you got next to him.

0:29:470:29:50

I gave you my last album of The Best Of Jerry!

0:29:500:29:53

It wasn't anybody else. It was ME.

0:29:530:29:55

I didn't ask for money and I can't pay my rent!

0:29:550:29:59

I live in a hovel and you live in a townhouse! I can't believe you!

0:29:590:30:03

If you want to do that, I've got money for you.

0:30:030:30:06

I can't believe how long I've listened to your tired jokes.

0:30:060:30:11

Will you be quiet?

0:30:110:30:13

Take this and give it to Jerry!

0:30:130:30:15

All right. This is the last time. The last time.

0:30:150:30:18

-When will you get it to him?

-You're a wacko.

0:30:180:30:21

I'll know if you don't! I know where you work!

0:30:210:30:25

I cover the waterfront! Remember that.

0:30:250:30:28

What are you looking at? You're scum, street trash.

0:30:280:30:32

Miss Long, thanks for your help and passing this on to Jerry.

0:30:460:30:50

I appreciate it more than you know.

0:30:500:30:53

Jerry, before I begin, I want to thank you for listening to this

0:30:530:30:57

and for the opportunity you've given me.

0:30:570:31:00

People think that guys who've made it

0:31:000:31:03

lose their feeling for struggling young talent.

0:31:030:31:06

But now I know those people are just cynics embittered by their own failure.

0:31:060:31:12

You are as human as the rest of us. If not more so.

0:31:120:31:15

There's no point in going on about it.

0:31:150:31:18

So, let's get on with the show - The Best Of Rupert Pupkin.

0:31:180:31:22

I've sketched out this outline to save you a bit of time.

0:31:220:31:26

It's a little introduction.

0:31:260:31:28

Close your eyes and imagine it's exactly six o'clock.

0:31:280:31:33

You're in the wings and the orchestra strikes up your theme song.

0:31:330:31:37

MUSIC: "Jerry Langford Theme"

0:31:370:31:40

MC: 'And now, from New York, it's the Jerry Langford Show.'

0:31:400:31:44

'With Jerry's guests, Richard Pryor, Ben Gazzara, Elizabeth Ashley, Carol Burnett...'

0:31:440:31:51

And the comedy find of the year, making his television debut,

0:31:510:31:55

Rupert Pupkin, the new King of Comedy.

0:31:550:31:58

MOM: Rupert! Are you crazy?

0:31:580:32:01

What's the matter with you? People are asleep. Lower it!

0:32:010:32:05

HE MOUTHS

0:32:050:32:07

MOM: What's the matter with you?

0:32:070:32:09

Mom!

0:32:090:32:11

-Take it easy. Lower it.

-I won't! I have to do this now!

0:32:110:32:15

I don't mind you playing it, but lower it.

0:32:150:32:18

You come on, Jerry, and do your monologue.

0:32:200:32:23

Then this is how I see you introducing me, saying something like this.

0:32:230:32:28

Will you please give your warmest welcome to the newest King of Comedy - Rupert Pupkin!

0:32:280:32:35

APPLAUSE

0:32:350:32:37

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

0:32:380:32:41

My name is Rupert Pupkin. I was born in New Jersey.

0:32:410:32:44

LAUGHTER

0:32:440:32:46

Is there anyone here from...?

0:32:490:32:51

LAUGHTER

0:32:510:32:53

But the fact is...

0:32:550:32:57

LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH

0:32:570:33:00

INTENSE LAUGHTER REVERBERATES

0:33:020:33:08

Mr Pipkin.

0:33:280:33:30

-Pupkin.

-Pupkin, sorry.

-You'll get it right one day.

0:33:300:33:34

-I bet you have a tape for me.

-Right here.

-Got your name on it?

0:33:340:33:39

We'll listen and get it back to you.

0:33:390:33:41

Thank you. When Jerry finds a moment.

0:33:410:33:44

When will that be?

0:33:440:33:46

Actually, you can try me tomorrow. Otherwise Monday.

0:33:480:33:52

Monday?

0:33:520:33:54

Miss Long, I might just wait here a while.

0:33:540:33:57

-Maybe Jerry will find a minute.

-Mr Pupkin, you're wasting your time.

0:33:570:34:02

I don't mind. I'm not wasting my time.

0:34:020:34:05

I'm glad to do it. It's important to me.

0:34:050:34:08

-I really don't mind.

-It'll be Monday.

-Monday?

0:34:080:34:11

Well, I'll still wait.

0:34:130:34:15

Really, I don't mind. It's OK.

0:34:150:34:18

Why don't you try me tomorrow?

0:34:200:34:22

Tomorrow?

0:34:220:34:24

-What time tomorrow?

-4:30.

-4:30. I'll be here. Thank you.

0:34:240:34:29

-You're welcome.

-And thank Jerry.

-I will.

0:34:290:34:32

Goodbye.

0:34:360:34:38

Goodbye.

0:34:420:34:44

At least once in his life,

0:34:450:34:48

every man is a genius.

0:34:480:34:50

Rupe, it'll be more than once in your life for you.

0:34:500:34:54

Because you've got it.

0:34:540:34:56

From what I heard, you've got it.

0:34:560:34:58

You're stuck with it. You can't get rid of it.

0:34:580:35:01

It's always gonna be there.

0:35:010:35:03

Now, I know there's no formula for it.

0:35:030:35:06

I just don't know how you do it.

0:35:060:35:08

And I'm not curious because I want to use the material.

0:35:080:35:13

I'm curious because I want to know how you do it.

0:35:130:35:16

I have to ask you that. How do you do it?

0:35:160:35:19

I think it's that I look at my whole life

0:35:190:35:22

and I see the awful, terrible things in my life and turn it into something funny.

0:35:220:35:28

It just happens.

0:35:280:35:30

Were the one-liners strong enough?

0:35:300:35:33

If they were stronger, you'd hurt yourself.

0:35:330:35:36

They're marvellous, you daffy bastard.

0:35:360:35:39

I remember a man said...

0:35:390:35:41

Listen to me. A man said something profound years ago which I later originated.

0:35:410:35:46

"If it ain't broke,

0:35:460:35:49

"don't fix it." How do I know it's so good?

0:35:490:35:52

Cos I envy you.

0:35:520:35:54

I hate you, but I envy you, because it's marvellous.

0:35:540:35:57

It's humour based on you. No-one else can do it but you.

0:35:570:36:02

I wouldn't lie. I wouldn't lie to you, Rupe.

0:36:020:36:05

This weekend would be a perfect time for you to come out to the house

0:36:050:36:09

and we can hash it around.

0:36:090:36:11

I want to know how you do it.

0:36:110:36:13

There'll be people there, but we can work.

0:36:130:36:16

It sounds great.

0:36:160:36:18

-I would really like to come.

-Wonderful.

0:36:180:36:21

-Could I bring somebody?

-A young lady?

0:36:210:36:25

A very special young lady.

0:36:250:36:27

Of course. I'd like to meet her.

0:36:270:36:30

CAR HORN BEEPS

0:36:310:36:33

-Hey, Jerry, how are you doing?

-How are you?

0:36:330:36:36

-You're looking good.

-You should see me in white taffeta.

0:36:360:36:40

You do some great shows, Jerry.

0:36:400:36:43

Thanks a lot.

0:36:430:36:45

-How about putting me on your show?

-I could have used you last night.

0:36:450:36:50

WHISTLING FROM ABOVE

0:36:510:36:53

APPLAUSE

0:36:530:36:55

CHEERING

0:36:550:36:57

Come on down!

0:37:030:37:05

-Hi, Jerry, how are you?

-Hi, there.

0:37:090:37:11

Morris, you will not believe who is here.

0:37:110:37:14

Jerry Langford, right?

0:37:140:37:16

Morris, please hold on.

0:37:160:37:18

Could you sign my magazine?

0:37:180:37:20

You're wonderful. I've watched your entire career.

0:37:200:37:24

Please would you just say something to my nephew Morris?

0:37:240:37:28

He's in the hospital.

0:37:280:37:30

-I'm sorry, I'm late.

-You should get cancer!

0:37:300:37:33

I hope you get cancer!

0:37:330:37:35

I can't. I'm late.

0:37:350:37:37

CAR HORNS BLARE

0:38:030:38:06

Yes, sir? Oh, hi.

0:38:410:38:43

-Hi. How are you?

-Not bad.

0:38:430:38:45

Good, good. I'm fine.

0:38:450:38:47

Can I help you?

0:38:470:38:50

Yes. I'd like to see Jerry.

0:38:500:38:52

-You are...?

-Pupkin.

0:38:520:38:55

Rupert Pupkin.

0:38:550:38:56

Mr Pupkin's here.

0:38:580:39:00

She'll be with you in a minute.

0:39:020:39:04

Who was that?

0:39:040:39:06

-Miss Long.

-Oh.

0:39:060:39:08

I'd prefer to see Jerry.

0:39:090:39:12

Miss Long will take care of you.

0:39:120:39:14

OK. I'll wait right here.

0:39:140:39:16

And as a surprise to Rupert,

0:39:230:39:25

we'd like to present to you someone in a form we've never presented before.

0:39:250:39:30

Would you please welcome our mystery guest?

0:39:300:39:34

Let's hear it for him.

0:39:340:39:36

APPLAUSE

0:39:360:39:38

Jerry, this is the mystery guest?

0:39:450:39:47

This is the mystery guest.

0:39:470:39:49

Let's see if I can place him. I think I know.

0:39:490:39:52

-Don't you remember me?

-No, I don't.

0:39:520:39:55

-I'm George Kapp.

-George Kapp, my high school principal.

0:39:550:39:59

-Yes.

-Well, how are you?

0:39:590:40:01

He used to fail me all the time. He's an enemy.

0:40:010:40:05

-Only because you deserved it.

-Oh, thank you.

0:40:050:40:08

I'm a justice of the peace now. I perform weddings.

0:40:080:40:12

MUSIC: "Here Comes The Bride"

0:40:120:40:14

What are you doing? I can't believe this.

0:40:170:40:20

Just believe it.

0:40:200:40:22

How would you like to see the King of Comedy marry his queen right here on the show?

0:40:220:40:28

-I don't know what to say!

-APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:40:280:40:31

FLOURISH

0:40:470:40:51

MUSIC: "Here Comes The Bride"

0:40:570:40:59

Dearly beloved.

0:41:410:41:43

When Rupert was a student at Clifton High School,

0:41:430:41:47

none of us, myself, his teachers, his classmates,

0:41:470:41:50

dreamt that he would amount to a hill of beans.

0:41:500:41:54

But we were wrong. And, Rupert, you were right.

0:41:560:41:59

And that's why tonight,

0:42:000:42:02

before the entire nation,

0:42:020:42:04

we'd like to apologise to you personally

0:42:040:42:07

and to beg your forgiveness

0:42:090:42:11

for all the things we did to you.

0:42:120:42:14

And we'd like to thank you personally, all of us,

0:42:150:42:19

for the meaning

0:42:190:42:21

you've given

0:42:210:42:23

our lives.

0:42:230:42:25

Please accept our warmest wishes, Rita,

0:42:250:42:28

and Rupert,

0:42:280:42:30

for a long and successful reign together.

0:42:300:42:33

We'll be back to marry them after this word.

0:42:360:42:39

Mr Pupkin.

0:42:410:42:43

-How are you today?

-I'm fine.

-Good, good.

0:42:430:42:46

Thank you for your tape. We listened to it with great interest.

0:42:460:42:50

-I'm glad.

-We see a lot of good things in what you do.

0:42:500:42:54

-We think you have good potential.

-Good, good.

0:42:540:42:57

-So I'll be honest.

-You should be honest.

0:42:570:43:00

-We don't think you're ready yet.

-Don't think I'm ready?

0:43:000:43:04

Right now you're not right for Jerry.

0:43:040:43:07

-Some of the material is good.

-Yes.

0:43:070:43:10

But some of the one-liners are not strong.

0:43:100:43:13

They're not very strong. You didn't like the jokes?

0:43:130:43:17

-That's right.

-Good. I can take care of that.

0:43:170:43:20

Tell me the ones you don't like. It will help.

0:43:200:43:23

-You have good potential. Your timing was excellent.

-Thanks.

0:43:230:43:28

You should develop your act and test it with live situations.

0:43:280:43:32

That would be good for you.

0:43:320:43:34

There are a number of clubs you can try.

0:43:340:43:37

When you start, give us a call. We'll send someone to see you.

0:43:370:43:42

-Thanks.

-You're welcome. Bye.

0:43:420:43:44

Thank you.

0:43:440:43:46

-May I ask you a question?

-Yes.

0:43:470:43:49

-Are you speaking for Jerry?

-Yes, I am.

0:43:490:43:52

He has faith in our judgment.

0:43:520:43:54

I'm sorry, and don't take this personally, but I don't.

0:43:540:43:57

I DON'T have faith in your judgment.

0:43:570:44:00

I'm sorry you feel that way. We can't do anything about that.

0:44:000:44:04

No. I have to disagree with you.

0:44:040:44:07

That's your privilege, Mr Pupkin.

0:44:070:44:09

Excuse me, please. I'm busy.

0:44:090:44:11

Miss Long, when is Jerry back?

0:44:110:44:14

Mr Langford will be in late this afternoon.

0:44:140:44:17

We mean what we say when we thank you for stepping up.

0:44:170:44:21

We mean it when we say call us when you start working.

0:44:210:44:24

All right? Bye.

0:44:240:44:27

Goodbye.

0:44:270:44:28

Is there anyone else you'd like to see?

0:44:510:44:54

No. That's all right.

0:44:560:44:58

I don't mind waiting.

0:45:000:45:02

It's like the man who waited so long he forgot what he waited for.

0:45:030:45:07

Well, would you mind waiting outside, Mr Pupnik?

0:45:080:45:12

This is not a waiting room.

0:45:120:45:15

I understand.

0:45:150:45:17

Did you ask him to leave? Yeah. But he won't go.

0:45:280:45:31

What's his name? Rupert Pumpkin.

0:45:310:45:34

-Hi.

-Hi.

0:45:350:45:37

I'm Raymond Wirtz, in charge of security.

0:45:370:45:41

-Let's go outside. Is this your bag?

-Yes.

0:45:410:45:44

-I'm waiting for Jerry.

-We'll talk outside.

0:45:440:45:47

I know he's expecting me.

0:45:470:45:49

We'll talk outside. Take your bag.

0:45:490:45:51

I'll explain company policy to you on the way, OK?

0:45:510:45:55

Now, I'm pretty sure you understand we have certain rules here

0:45:550:46:00

that are essential to the smooth functioning of our operation.

0:46:000:46:04

-Can I just say that...?

-Now, just listen, please.

0:46:040:46:08

Without these rules we really wouldn't be able to function at our best.

0:46:080:46:13

I get the point, except...

0:46:130:46:15

Please, Mr Puffer, please.

0:46:150:46:17

-After you.

-After you, sir, please.

0:46:170:46:20

If I can just say that Jerry is...

0:46:200:46:22

I checked with Miss Long. You do not have an appointment.

0:46:220:46:27

Company policy is that only authorised personnel

0:46:270:46:30

and those with official business with our organisation are permitted on our premises.

0:46:300:46:37

You want me to leave the building?

0:46:370:46:39

Well? Did you get it to him?

0:47:020:47:04

What?

0:47:040:47:06

Did you give my letter to him?

0:47:060:47:08

He's not in there. OK?

0:47:080:47:10

Now you're in with him, you can't do me a favour?

0:47:100:47:14

I'll find somebody else to do it.

0:47:140:47:16

-I couldn't. He wasn't there.

-I saw him go in.

0:47:160:47:19

-Who?

-Jerry.

0:47:190:47:21

He's up there right now.

0:47:210:47:22

It's impossible. They assured me he was out.

0:47:220:47:26

And you believe them?

0:47:260:47:28

You're so naive. I'd expect that from you.

0:47:280:47:31

You're such a chump.

0:47:310:47:33

-He went up there just now?

-Of course. Get up.

0:47:330:47:36

Assert yourself. He's up there now.

0:47:360:47:39

Oh, really.

0:47:500:47:52

-Would you tell Jerry I'm here to see him?

-He's not in.

0:47:520:47:56

-I know he is. Tell him I'm here.

-He's not in.

0:47:560:47:59

You're putting your job on the line, lady.

0:47:590:48:02

Security, Pumpkin's back.

0:48:020:48:04

You too.

0:48:040:48:06

MISS LONG: Mr Pupkin, what are you doing here?

0:48:260:48:30

Mr Pupkin?

0:48:300:48:32

Mr Pupkin?

0:48:320:48:34

Get Security on the telephone.

0:48:340:48:36

MAN: There he goes.

0:48:420:48:44

Hold on!

0:48:450:48:47

Grab his other arm.

0:48:470:48:49

All right.

0:48:490:48:51

Right out the door.

0:48:510:48:53

Let's go.

0:48:530:48:55

-Jerry. Jerry!

-Nobody will help you.

0:48:560:48:59

You'll have a lot of explaining to do, Mr Wirtz.

0:48:590:49:03

My lawyer will be calling you.

0:49:030:49:05

Make sure he gets my name right.

0:49:050:49:07

Say goodbye to our guest, Miss Long.

0:49:080:49:10

Wait till Jerry hears about this.

0:49:100:49:13

I will mention your name, Puffer.

0:49:130:49:15

Listen good. If we see your face again, we'll call the police.

0:49:150:49:20

I understand.

0:49:200:49:22

Thank you.

0:49:220:49:24

-Thank you very much.

-Terrific(!)

0:49:240:49:26

-I suppose you got the letter to him.

-No, I didn't. I will later.

0:49:260:49:31

-You got thrown out of the building.

-I didn't.

0:49:310:49:34

-What do you call that?

-I didn't get thrown out.

0:49:340:49:38

I was talking.

0:49:380:49:40

They walked me outside.

0:49:400:49:42

-Just a moment.

-You can't handle the simplest thing.

0:49:420:49:46

I'll tell you something.

0:49:460:49:48

I'm going to Jerry's for the weekend.

0:49:480:49:51

-Do I look OK?

-You look wonderful.

0:49:530:49:56

-Does it look all right?

-I'm not sure. You look wonderful.

0:49:560:50:00

-What's wrong with it?

-I don't think you need it.

0:50:000:50:04

-You don't think it looks nice?

-It looks wonderful.

0:50:040:50:07

-Hello.

-Hello. You must be Jonno.

-Yes.

0:50:240:50:27

I'm Rupert Pupkin and this is Rita Keane.

0:50:270:50:30

-Tell Jerry we're here.

-Mr Langford invited you?

0:50:300:50:34

No. We thought we'd drop in uninvited(!)

0:50:340:50:37

Come on in.

0:50:370:50:39

-Ooh, what a view.

-The blue bag is mine.

0:50:390:50:42

-He's not here.

-Is he out playing golf?

0:50:420:50:44

-Yes.

-Yes, of course.

0:50:440:50:46

-I hope he finally breaks 100.

-100?

0:50:460:50:49

-Perhaps better you come back.

-That's all right.

0:50:490:50:53

-We'll wait a minute.

-Mr Langford's not here.

0:50:530:50:56

That's OK. We'll just wait.

0:50:560:50:58

We don't mind waiting. ..Isn't this lovely?

0:50:580:51:01

The table's only set for one.

0:51:050:51:07

-How do you like it?

-I could live here.

0:51:130:51:16

Mr Langford. I'm sorry to disturb you.

0:51:160:51:19

What's wrong? Everything.

0:51:190:51:21

There's a couple over here.

0:51:210:51:23

His name is er...

0:51:230:51:25

Pumgin. Do you know the name Pumgin?

0:51:250:51:28

Didn't you tell him what time we'd get here?

0:51:300:51:33

We didn't have time for the details.

0:51:330:51:36

That butler wasn't even expecting us.

0:51:360:51:39

Jerry has more important things to do than talking to his houseboy.

0:51:390:51:43

Oh, really? Excuse me.

0:51:430:51:45

He knows everything. He knows you're playing golf.

0:51:510:51:54

He wants to spend the weekend here.

0:51:540:51:57

Yes. You'd better come back.

0:51:570:51:59

He's touching everything. He's ruining the house.

0:51:590:52:02

I'm getting a heart attack.

0:52:020:52:04

Here's a famous one. The youngest clown in the world, Zippo.

0:52:040:52:09

This one with Ray Charles on Jerry's Special.

0:52:090:52:12

-That's famous.

-I know.

0:52:120:52:14

Here's a famous one when he was a 12-year-old kid.

0:52:140:52:18

Someone sent this in for the "I Knew You When" section.

0:52:180:52:22

They thought they were playing a joke.

0:52:220:52:25

# If I should take a notion

0:52:280:52:32

Let's get a little life in this funeral parlour.

0:52:320:52:35

# Jump off into the ocean

0:52:350:52:37

You should really turn that off. That's not polite.

0:52:370:52:41

How about a spin, handsome?

0:52:410:52:43

We shouldn't be dancing.

0:52:430:52:45

A little fun never hurt anybody.

0:52:450:52:48

-What if Jerry walks in?

-He'll be happy to see us.

0:52:480:52:51

You're his friend. He won't mind.

0:52:510:52:54

I wonder what the rest is like.

0:53:030:53:05

I'm sure it's very nice.

0:53:050:53:07

No, Rita, I wouldn't go up there.

0:53:090:53:11

Rita, Rita. I don't think it's a good idea.

0:53:110:53:14

Rita.

0:53:140:53:17

They're watching us. You can't go upstairs.

0:53:170:53:20

DOORBELL CHIMES

0:53:200:53:22

Open the goddamned door!

0:53:310:53:33

I was standing out there eight minutes.

0:53:330:53:36

Jesus.

0:53:360:53:37

Where are they?

0:53:370:53:39

Hi, Jerry.

0:53:390:53:41

Hi, Jerry. How are you?

0:53:410:53:43

We were just freshening up.

0:53:430:53:45

Rita, I want you to meet

0:53:450:53:48

THE Jerry Langford.

0:53:480:53:50

Jerry, meet Rita Keane. ..Come on down.

0:53:500:53:53

Come on down.

0:53:530:53:56

What's your pleasure, Jerry?

0:53:560:53:58

It's hot out. I need a drink. Jerry, what'd you like?

0:54:000:54:04

Jerry?

0:54:040:54:06

Jerry?

0:54:080:54:10

Excuse us for taking liberties,

0:54:100:54:13

but it's not every day a girl like Rita meets you.

0:54:130:54:16

This is success. You have to live with it. How was your golf?

0:54:160:54:20

Did you finally break 100?

0:54:200:54:23

JONNO: I told them you were not here.

0:54:230:54:25

Yes, they did. They were very helpful.

0:54:250:54:28

We took an earlier train.

0:54:280:54:30

Anyway, I brought the work.

0:54:300:54:32

It's right here. All ready.

0:54:320:54:34

All ready and set to go.

0:54:340:54:36

So...

0:54:360:54:38

where is everybody?

0:54:380:54:40

What everybody?

0:54:410:54:43

"What everybody?" The guests, Jer.

0:54:430:54:46

I'm getting a little hungry.

0:54:460:54:48

I could have the both of you arrested.

0:54:480:54:51

He could have us arrested.

0:54:510:54:53

Of course you could have us arrested.

0:54:530:54:56

We couldn't prove we belong here.

0:54:560:54:59

When he gets an idea, he's terrific.

0:54:590:55:01

-I never thought of that.

-You should have.

0:55:010:55:05

We set up a story where you invite your friends and throw them in jail!

0:55:050:55:10

That's terrific.

0:55:120:55:14

That's terrific.

0:55:140:55:16

What's the matter? Lighten up.

0:55:160:55:19

Let's work on that after this.

0:55:190:55:21

-How did you get here?

-We walked in the door.

0:55:210:55:24

What's the matter with you?

0:55:240:55:26

-How did you get here?

-I think you're upset.

0:55:260:55:29

I'll leave my material here.

0:55:290:55:32

You've got other things to worry about.

0:55:320:55:35

We'll take a stroll till lunch time.

0:55:350:55:37

Did anyone ever tell you you're a moron?

0:55:370:55:40

Jerry, I want to tell you something.

0:55:400:55:43

Ordinarily, I wouldn't allow anyone to say that about Rita.

0:55:430:55:47

But since it's you, I know you're kidding.

0:55:470:55:50

Rupert, he's saying he wants us to go.

0:55:500:55:53

No, he's not saying that.

0:55:530:55:55

Jerry, tell her you're not saying that at all.

0:55:550:55:59

-Call the station, Jonno.

-Where are you going, Rita?

0:55:590:56:02

There'll be a cab. Wait at the gate and use it.

0:56:020:56:06

Why, are you going someplace?

0:56:060:56:08

You are.

0:56:080:56:10

Did I say something wrong, Jerry?

0:56:110:56:14

If so, can we chalk it up to inexperience?

0:56:140:56:17

Rita?

0:56:170:56:19

I have my stuff here. We can do it in half an hour.

0:56:190:56:23

Then the afternoon is yours.

0:56:230:56:25

I want you out of here.

0:56:250:56:27

I want you out of here now.

0:56:270:56:29

Is that plain enough?

0:56:290:56:30

-I understand.

-Is that clear?

0:56:300:56:33

I understand. You're tired. That's OK.

0:56:330:56:36

Read it at your leisure and let me know what you think.

0:56:360:56:39

Don't be dopey. Use your ears.

0:56:390:56:42

-He wants us to go.

-He is not telling us to go!

0:56:420:56:45

-Mr Langford, I want you to know...

-Tell her she's wrong.

0:56:450:56:49

..I don't even know this guy.

0:56:490:56:51

He told me you were friends.

0:56:510:56:53

-Rita!

-I feel terrible about this.

0:56:530:56:56

-I feel so humiliated.

-Don't listen. She works in a bar.

0:56:560:57:00

-She wants to spoil everything.

-Let's go.

0:57:000:57:03

Jerry...

0:57:030:57:04

OK. Come on.

0:57:040:57:06

Come on. Let's go.

0:57:060:57:08

-Sorry, Mr Langford.

-Here you are.

0:57:080:57:10

Do you understand English? Go!

0:57:100:57:12

I can take a hint. Listen for 15 minutes. Is that asking too much?

0:57:120:57:17

Yes, it is. I have a life, OK?

0:57:170:57:19

-I have a life, too.

-That's not my responsibility!

0:57:190:57:23

-It is if you tell me to call you...

-I was just getting rid of you!

0:57:230:57:27

-To get rid of me?

-Yes.

-I can take a hint.

0:57:270:57:30

Otherwise we'd still be outside my apartment!

0:57:300:57:34

-OK, so I made a mistake.

-So did Hitler!

0:57:340:57:37

This is the way it is when you're famous.

0:57:380:57:40

Do you understand?

0:57:400:57:42

-That's how you guys are?

-Not them. Me, yeah!

0:57:420:57:45

-That's how you are at the top?

-No, I was that way before.

0:57:450:57:49

-Now I know how people like you...

-Goodbye and good luck!

0:57:490:57:53

And Jerry, Jerry,

0:57:530:57:55

I just want to say one more thing.

0:57:550:57:58

I'm glad what you did to me today.

0:57:580:58:00

Now I know I can't rely on anybody.

0:58:000:58:03

Not you. Not anybody.

0:58:030:58:05

-And I SHOULDN'T rely on anybody.

-Right.

0:58:050:58:08

I'm gonna work 50 times harder and I'm gonna be 50 times more famous than you.

0:58:080:58:13

Then idiots like you will plague your life.

0:58:130:58:16

That's right. ..Come on, Rita. ..Goodbye Jerry.

0:58:160:58:20

DOOR SLAMS

0:58:200:58:22

Jonno, lock that door.

0:58:220:58:24

You did good, Mr Langford.

0:58:240:58:26

Thank you.

0:58:260:58:28

HE THROWS CLUB ON THE FLOOR

0:58:300:58:32

It looks real.

0:58:370:58:39

That's the whole point.

0:58:400:58:43

-Is that him?

-No.

0:58:460:58:48

-Are you sure?

-Sure I'm sure.

0:58:480:58:51

It looks too much like him.

0:58:510:58:53

When it's him, it doesn't look like him.

0:58:530:58:56

It feels like it's taking him for ever.

0:58:580:59:01

How much longer?

0:59:030:59:05

It's him.

0:59:080:59:10

Yeah, that's him.

0:59:130:59:15

-Not too fast.

-OK, OK.

0:59:180:59:21

Stay on this side, so you're not all over him.

0:59:210:59:24

Get in the next lane.

0:59:240:59:27

OK, OK, OK, OK!

0:59:270:59:30

He walks in the most crowded areas.

0:59:360:59:38

Well, because he doesn't want to be alone.

0:59:380:59:41

Why? Tell me why.

0:59:410:59:44

I know. You tell me why.

0:59:440:59:46

Don't get an attitude with me right now.

0:59:470:59:50

Explain to me. You know so much about him.

0:59:500:59:53

Fill me in. Let me learn from you.

0:59:530:59:56

OK. When he walks on crowded streets, he feels safe. That's why.

0:59:561:00:00

Is that what it is? Thanks for telling me(!)

1:00:001:00:03

OK. Go past him and stop.

1:00:121:00:14

OK, Jerry. Get in there.

1:00:181:00:20

What are you doing?

1:00:201:00:22

Are you crazy?

1:00:221:00:24

Get in, Jerry. Get in.

1:00:241:00:25

Hi, Jerry.

1:00:261:00:28

She's holding the gun on your head.

1:00:311:00:34

Don't make any false moves.

1:00:341:00:36

I'd hate to do anything drastic.

1:00:361:00:38

If everything works out, you'll be out of here by 12:00, 12:30 latest.

1:00:381:00:43

Well, maybe 1:00.

1:00:431:00:45

1:15, the very latest.

1:00:451:00:47

-What I want you to do is call your producer.

-Call what?

1:00:471:00:51

Call Bert Thomas. I'll give you a phone right now.

1:00:511:00:55

Get him on the phone.

1:00:551:00:57

And I'll tell you exactly what to say. OK?

1:00:571:01:00

Now, if you don't do it, I don't know what to say.

1:01:031:01:06

There could be a problem.

1:01:061:01:08

Watch your eyes. I'll take these off.

1:01:101:01:12

It's a little bright in here.

1:01:121:01:15

OK.

1:01:301:01:32

Are these yours?

1:01:361:01:38

-Jerry, these are yours?

-Yeah.

1:01:391:01:41

Do you mind if I have one?

1:01:411:01:43

(I don't mind.)

1:01:431:01:45

-Thank you. ..Masha, do you want one?

-Save it.

1:01:451:01:48

-Do you want one?

-Yeah, but will you save it?

1:01:481:01:52

It's inconvenient at the moment. Thank you, Rupert.

1:01:521:01:55

-Do you want one?

-No.

1:01:551:01:57

I'll just take one for later.

1:01:571:01:59

Don't get mad about it. I'm just trying to ease the tension.

1:02:031:02:08

It's a strange situation, but there are moments of friendship and sharing.

1:02:081:02:13

OK, let's go.

1:02:131:02:15

Jerry, I mean business.

1:02:181:02:21

Get on the phone. Let's go.

1:02:211:02:23

The fun is over.

1:02:231:02:24

Let's go. Come on.

1:02:281:02:30

Bert Thomas, please.

1:02:441:02:46

Jerry Langford.

1:02:461:02:48

-What happened?

-They hung up.

1:02:521:02:54

Call them again. Why did they hang up?

1:02:581:03:00

They thought it was a gag.

1:03:001:03:02

-We get that all the time.

-I find that strange.

1:03:021:03:06

But it's typical.

1:03:061:03:08

That's the way they treat even you.

1:03:081:03:10

I'll let you in on a little secret.

1:03:101:03:13

That's the way they treated me.

1:03:131:03:15

And now look where we are.

1:03:161:03:18

Bert Thomas.

1:03:211:03:23

Audrey, this is Jerry Langford. Get Bert quickly.

1:03:231:03:26

Martino, I'm too busy for games. Goodbye.

1:03:261:03:29

Did you hear what I said? Get Bert Thomas.

1:03:291:03:32

It's not a gag. It's serious. Move it!

1:03:321:03:35

Why don't we have somebody else? Like what?

1:03:381:03:41

It's Mr Langford. He says it's urgent.

1:03:411:03:44

I'll call him back. I'm busy.

1:03:441:03:46

It's that Martino kid, the impressionist.

1:03:461:03:49

Will you do what I tell you? And do it quick.

1:03:491:03:53

I'm sorry. He absolutely insists on talking to you.

1:03:531:03:56

OK. I'll take it.

1:03:561:03:59

Martino, you know better than...

1:04:011:04:03

Bert, I said this is Jerry.

1:04:031:04:05

Jerry Langford. I'm in deep trouble.

1:04:051:04:08

Now, you'd best pay attention.

1:04:081:04:10

Yah, I am listening.

1:04:101:04:13

Would you give me that again?

1:04:151:04:17

Wait a minute.

1:04:211:04:23

I wanna ask you something.

1:04:231:04:25

What do we call our second cameraman?

1:04:251:04:28

We call our second cameraman

1:04:281:04:30

Helen Keller.

1:04:301:04:32

His favourite colour is plaid.

1:04:331:04:36

Helen Keller. Plaid. What is that?

1:04:361:04:38

When someone does an impression of me on the phone,

1:04:381:04:42

they check it's me by that clue.

1:04:421:04:45

If I didn't know, he'd know it's not me.

1:04:451:04:48

Say no more. I understand.

1:04:481:04:50

Now, listen, Bert. Listen carefully.

1:04:511:04:53

"I have a gun...

1:04:541:04:56

"at my head.

1:04:591:05:01

"If a man who identifies himself

1:05:031:05:05

"as...

1:05:051:05:06

"..The King...

1:05:111:05:13

The card's upside down.

1:05:161:05:19

"..is not allowed to be the first guest on...

1:05:231:05:27

You got a blank card there.

1:05:321:05:34

Hold on, Bert.

1:05:341:05:36

I'm reading from a cue card.

1:05:361:05:39

"..tonight's show...

1:05:441:05:46

"..you'll never...see me...

1:05:481:05:51

Go back.

1:05:531:05:55

"..alive...

1:05:551:05:57

"again."

1:05:571:05:59

It's not grammatically correct, but I think you have the idea.

1:06:001:06:04

It's clear, but let me talk to you. Don't do anything silly.

1:06:041:06:09

OK.

1:06:091:06:11

I'm OK. I'm OK, Bert! Just get it done.

1:06:111:06:14

He wants you to call at five o'clock.

1:06:181:06:20

They'll do whatever you want.

1:06:201:06:22

OK. That was very good, Jerry.

1:06:221:06:25

Turn around here. Let's see how it looks.

1:06:251:06:28

Oh, I love it. I'm sorry. The sleeves aren't quite right.

1:06:281:06:32

Do you like it? ..What do you think?

1:06:321:06:35

I think it looks pretty good.

1:06:361:06:38

To guess on it, to have it turn out like this, I'm pleased.

1:06:381:06:42

I like to see him a little more casual for a change.

1:06:421:06:46

This is a look I like to see on him.

1:06:461:06:48

Less uptightness.

1:06:481:06:50

OK. It's wonderful.

1:06:501:06:52

-What do you think?

-It's very good.

1:06:521:06:55

-Be honest with me.

-I'm being honest.

1:06:551:06:57

Would you wear it? I like it.

1:06:571:06:59

I'm glad I went with red. It looks good on him.

1:06:591:07:03

It looks good, Jerry.

1:07:031:07:05

-Come on.

-What?

1:07:051:07:07

-Take it off and let's go.

-Oh, OK. Fine.

1:07:071:07:10

-You want me to take it off?

-Yeah.

1:07:111:07:13

Why can't he wear it for a while?

1:07:131:07:15

Will you take it off, please?

1:07:151:07:17

This is an emergency and I gotta talk to him.

1:07:171:07:21

Interrupt him or I'll come busting into that meeting.

1:07:211:07:26

No. Forget calling me back. I'm on my way.

1:07:261:07:30

Why didn't you just listen to the tape?

1:07:301:07:33

It wasn't that hard, was it?

1:07:331:07:35

A few minutes to listen to something I worked on my whole life.

1:07:351:07:40

If that's what's behind this, let's play the tape in my office.

1:07:401:07:44

I know what would happen. I'm not stupid.

1:07:441:07:47

Nobody's calling you stupid.

1:07:471:07:49

You pulled this off. So you're smart.

1:07:491:07:52

You know, I'm gonna tell you something.

1:07:521:07:55

Friendship is a two-way street.

1:07:551:07:57

Do you know that?

1:07:581:08:00

You couldn't care less about me.

1:08:001:08:03

Do I have to hold this thing till next Shevuoth?

1:08:031:08:06

Are you going to knock off the talking?

1:08:061:08:09

When you put the sweater on him, did I bother you?

1:08:091:08:13

You have a long night ahead. You have to perform.

1:08:131:08:16

You're driving me nuts.

1:08:161:08:19

Can you be quiet for one goddamn minute and let me rest with this gun?

1:08:191:08:24

You're driving me crazy!

1:08:241:08:25

You have not shut up since we came here.

1:08:251:08:28

This is my house! My domain!

1:08:281:08:30

Jerry is my guest! You are my guest!

1:08:301:08:33

You're lucky to be here.

1:08:331:08:35

You can change and get your head together for the show.

1:08:351:08:39

Give me a little break!

1:08:391:08:41

-Shut up!

-I did give you a break.

1:08:411:08:43

You talked about that sweater.

1:08:431:08:45

Worrying over how it looks. Did I say anything?

1:08:451:08:49

I didn't make it for you.

1:08:491:08:51

It looks fabulous on Jerry.

1:08:511:08:53

Whose idea was this? If it wasn't for me, you wouldn't be here.

1:08:531:08:57

Why not listen to the tape? Was that so hard to do?

1:08:571:09:00

I'm sure you understand, doing the kind of show I do, it's mind-boggling.

1:09:001:09:06

There's so much stuff, you can't keep your head clear.

1:09:061:09:10

If that's the case, I'm wrong.

1:09:101:09:12

You're right, I'm wrong. If I'm wrong, I apologise.

1:09:121:09:16

I'm just a human being.

1:09:161:09:18

With all of the foibles and all of the traps.

1:09:181:09:21

The pressure. The groupies, the autograph hounds.

1:09:211:09:25

Those you think are your friends, but might not be there tomorrow because of their incompetence.

1:09:251:09:32

These wonderful pressures make every day radiant and glowing.

1:09:321:09:37

It's terrific(!)

1:09:371:09:39

If all of that means nothing, if I'm wrong, in spite of all that, then I apologise. I'm sorry.

1:09:391:09:46

If you accept my apology,

1:09:461:09:48

I think we should shake hands and forget the whole thing.

1:09:481:09:53

You two could be in deep trouble, but I will not press charges.

1:09:531:09:57

-That's easy for you to SAY, Jerry.

-But I mean it.

1:09:591:10:03

I'll go to the office and tell them all it's a gag.

1:10:031:10:06

They'll understand that. They'll buy it.

1:10:061:10:10

Then we listen to the tape...

1:10:101:10:12

Sit down! I said sit down!

1:10:121:10:14

You heard what he said.

1:10:141:10:17

With a gun on him, he wants to be friends.

1:10:171:10:20

-What happens when he walks out?

-What happens then?

1:10:201:10:23

They'll jump you at his office.

1:10:231:10:25

-Is that what happens, Jerry?

-Not if I tell them not to.

1:10:251:10:29

They won't jump you. If I tell them to do something, they do it.

1:10:291:10:34

No-one's gonna jump you. It's the truth.

1:10:341:10:37

You have to take my word for it.

1:10:371:10:39

If you think I'm not telling you the truth, then don't respond.

1:10:391:10:43

If you think I am, let me get the hell out.

1:10:431:10:46

He gives me his word.

1:10:461:10:48

-And what else?

-And what else, Jerry?

1:10:481:10:51

There is nothing else.

1:10:521:10:54

Just my word.

1:10:541:10:56

Isn't my word good enough?

1:10:561:10:58

I'm sorry, Jerry.

1:11:011:11:03

Suppose we tape him,

1:11:171:11:19

he does a talk,

1:11:201:11:22

it gets to be 11:30,

1:11:221:11:24

do we put him on, no matter what?

1:11:241:11:26

Tape him. It won't hurt anything, because you can erase it.

1:11:261:11:30

We may learn something from it and it will buy us time.

1:11:301:11:34

Under no circumstances will we put him on air.

1:11:341:11:38

This lunatic is threatening Jerry's life!

1:11:381:11:41

Let me handle this.

1:11:411:11:43

We'll tape at seven.

1:11:431:11:45

We won't have to make a decision about putting him on the air till 11:30.

1:11:451:11:50

This gives us four hours to move in.

1:11:501:11:52

By that time we should have Mr Langford back safely.

1:11:521:11:56

Harry, that's it. We're going to sue. We'll sue everybody.

1:11:561:12:00

- Who's this? - Jerry's lawyer.

1:12:001:12:03

What do you mean, who am I? I'm the lawyer suing.

1:12:031:12:06

Jay. Don't "Jay" me. Do me a favour. >

1:12:061:12:09

Jay, WHO are you going to sue?

1:12:091:12:11

We're suing you personally!

1:12:111:12:13

< Who else? The FBI!

1:12:131:12:15

Let's deal with the situation rationally.

1:12:151:12:18

Unless we talk politely, there will be serious consequences.

1:12:181:12:23

JAY: Kidnapping is not polite. It is a very stupid offence.

1:12:231:12:27

How can you defend kidnapping?

1:12:271:12:29

How can you say, "I'm crazy. I didn't know what I was doing."

1:12:291:12:33

Jay, who cares?

1:12:331:12:35

Only an idiot kidnaps. > Who cares?

1:12:351:12:38

Only idiots do what you will do.

1:12:381:12:40

Jerry, I'm gonna go now.

1:12:491:12:51

Pretty soon you'll be able to go.

1:12:511:12:53

About 12:00, 12:30, as I said. Have a good time.

1:12:531:12:57

I know you will.

1:12:571:12:59

Bye.

1:12:591:13:01

We don't know if they are kidnappers or terrorists.

1:13:051:13:09

Terrorists?! What do you mean "terrorists"?

1:13:091:13:12

This man may go on the air. >

1:13:121:13:14

He delivers a coded message and 50 people lose their lives.

1:13:141:13:18

You're out of your mind!

1:13:181:13:20

- I'm not out of my mind. - That guy will be taped.

1:13:201:13:24

We'll listen to what he says.

1:13:241:13:26

Unless something horrendous is on it, we'll air it.

1:13:261:13:30

It's only ten minutes of talk-show time against a man's life.

1:13:301:13:34

I don't see that as any argument.

1:13:341:13:37

Hello, how are you today?

1:13:381:13:40

Well... Mr King calling collect long-distance for Mr Thomas.

1:13:401:13:44

There's a long-distance call.

1:13:441:13:47

Let's go.

1:13:471:13:49

This is it. Remember, keep him talking. >

1:13:491:13:52

Er...hi, there. Who is this?

1:13:521:13:54

'This is Mr King.'

1:13:541:13:56

-'I'm calling for Mr King.'

-You're on time.

1:13:561:13:59

Yes, of course. We're always punctual.

1:13:591:14:02

I want to make it brief, Mr Thomas, and...

1:14:021:14:05

Could I break in and ask you, could I speak to Jerry?

1:14:051:14:09

Jerry's not with us now. We're at a payphone.

1:14:091:14:13

Don't trace the call. I heard those sounds.

1:14:131:14:16

It's kind of important, so that we know that he's in - what'll I say? - your care.

1:14:161:14:21

We've taken care of that by bringing an article of clothing you'll recognise.

1:14:211:14:27

It is not as easy as you think to walk in and go right on the show.

1:14:271:14:31

No, Bert... If I can call you...

1:14:311:14:34

If I could just say, there is no problem.

1:14:341:14:37

It is clean material.

1:14:371:14:38

Do you know of something called Standards and Practices?

1:14:381:14:42

All I can say is, don't have any press leaks.

1:14:421:14:46

You must keep the audience there till 11:45 or 12 o'clock, after it has been aired.

1:14:461:14:52

Thank you very much. That's your problem. Nice talking to you.

1:14:521:14:56

One...

1:14:561:14:58

Boy, he's shrewd. He just wouldn't buy anything.

1:14:591:15:03

I feel...

1:15:581:16:00

completely impulsive tonight.

1:16:001:16:02

Anything could happen.

1:16:021:16:04

I've so much to tell you.

1:16:041:16:06

I don't know where to start.

1:16:061:16:08

I want to tell you everything about myself you don't know.

1:16:081:16:13

-Do you like these glasses?

-SHE FLICKS CRYSTAL

1:16:141:16:17

Crystal, beautiful. I bought them just for you.

1:16:171:16:21

Something reminded me. The simplicity.

1:16:211:16:23

But if you don't like them, if there's any doubt...

1:16:231:16:27

GLASS SMASHES

1:16:271:16:29

Sometimes I'll be doing the simplest things.

1:16:321:16:36

I'll be taking a bath and I'll say to myself,

1:16:361:16:39

"I wonder if Jerry's taking a bath right now."

1:16:391:16:42

Then I just hope you're not drowning.

1:16:421:16:45

I get worried about you, like something terrible will happen.

1:16:451:16:50

I have daydreams that I'm at the golf course driving your cart.

1:16:501:16:55

Just driving around.

1:16:551:16:57

Need a putter, Jer? You know.

1:16:581:17:00

Need an iron?

1:17:011:17:03

I don't know how to play golf.

1:17:031:17:05

I played with my parents once, my dad, but...

1:17:051:17:08

I love you.

1:17:081:17:10

I've never told my parents that I love them.

1:17:141:17:17

They never told me they loved me either, which was fine with me.

1:17:171:17:22

But I love you.

1:17:221:17:24

Do you want some wine?

1:17:241:17:26

No? OK. I'm not in the mood to drink either, though.

1:17:261:17:30

But I'm sure in the mood to be alone with you.

1:17:301:17:33

Why don't we just clear off the table?

1:17:361:17:39

We could go upstairs, but that's so predictable.

1:17:411:17:44

Let's take everything off the table and do it right here.

1:17:441:17:49

It'd blow your mind. It'd blow MY mind.

1:17:491:17:51

I've never even had anybody over for dinner before,

1:17:511:17:55

let alone made love on the table.

1:17:551:17:58

Somehow I just want to do that.

1:17:581:18:00

I just want to, like, dance.

1:18:001:18:02

I want to put on some Shirelles. I want to be black.

1:18:021:18:06

Wouldn't that be insane?

1:18:071:18:09

God. You know, I wish I was...

1:18:091:18:12

I wish I was Tina Turner. Just dancing through the room.

1:18:121:18:16

Thank you. Please have your tickets ready.

1:18:211:18:25

Good evening, officer.

1:18:281:18:30

I am Clarence McCabe, the writer.

1:18:301:18:33

Are these people with you, sir? Yes, this is my wife.

1:18:331:18:37

Her parents are the Salters from Ohio.

1:18:371:18:40

I'll check your name, sir. I'm on third.

1:18:401:18:43

I'll check your name, sir.

1:18:431:18:45

I'm sorry. I don't see your name, sir.

1:18:451:18:48

Wait a minute. You went past the Ns.

1:18:481:18:51

I'll go back again for you, sir.

1:18:511:18:53

Let me just check.

1:18:531:18:55

This isn't possible.

1:18:551:18:57

Did Miss Long call you at all? No, sir, she didn't.

1:18:571:19:01

She didn't tell you about my book.

1:19:011:19:03

No, sir. Not according to this list.

1:19:031:19:06

She said to present myself at 5:45. It's now 5:50.

1:19:061:19:10

Strict orders tonight.

1:19:101:19:11

Only authorised personnel allowed in.

1:19:111:19:14

You never heard of the book? No, sir.

1:19:141:19:17

The Vanishing Siberian Tiger.

1:19:171:19:19

Can I call Miss Long? No, sir. Not at all.

1:19:191:19:22

Can YOU call Miss Long?

1:19:221:19:24

I can't help you, sir. You are not on the list.

1:19:241:19:27

So I cannot let you in.

1:19:271:19:29

I'm gonna try to get her. Stop him.

1:19:291:19:32

Miss Long?

1:19:321:19:34

Come on. Get him.

1:19:341:19:37

COMMOTION

1:19:371:19:39

Come on!

1:19:411:19:44

McCABE: Miss Long!

1:19:441:19:46

What is this Clarence McCabe? That's who I am.

1:20:001:20:03

Is that your real name? Technically, it's my real name.

1:20:031:20:07

It's a pseudonym. An alias. Why do you use a pseudonym?

1:20:071:20:11

I'm an author. Author of what?

1:20:111:20:14

I wrote The Vanishing Siberian Tiger.

1:20:141:20:16

I spent two years in Russia and two years in China researching it.

1:20:161:20:21

Does that make me a communist now?

1:20:211:20:24

HE WHISTLES TO HIMSELF

1:20:241:20:26

Hello. I'm the King.

1:20:351:20:37

-What?

-The King.

1:20:371:20:39

What can I do for Your Highness?

1:20:391:20:42

Really, I'm the King.

1:20:421:20:44

Yes, sir, your dressing room is backstage.

1:20:441:20:47

-Your throne is in there also.

-Very funny, yes.

1:20:471:20:50

Is there someone in charge?

1:20:501:20:52

Mr Ding. A little fellow with a couple of bells.

1:20:521:20:56

Miss Long.

1:20:561:20:58

-Pipkin?

-No, it's Mr Pupkin.

1:20:581:21:00

How are you?

1:21:011:21:03

What are you doing here, Mr...Pupkin?

1:21:031:21:06

I'm the King.

1:21:061:21:08

I think you're expecting me.

1:21:081:21:10

Yeah.

1:21:101:21:12

Is Mr Thomas around?

1:21:121:21:14

CATS MEOW SHRILLY

1:21:221:21:24

# You're gonna love me

1:21:301:21:34

# Like nobody's loved me

1:21:351:21:39

# Come rain

1:21:391:21:41

# Or come shine

1:21:411:21:43

# Happy together

1:21:441:21:48

# Unhappy together

1:21:481:21:52

# And won't it be fine?

1:21:521:21:58

# Days may be cloudy or sunny

1:22:001:22:08

# We're in and we're out of the money

1:22:091:22:15

# I'm with you always

1:22:171:22:21

# I'm with you

1:22:241:22:27

# Rain or shine #

1:22:281:22:39

Mr King, I'm Inspector Garrity from the FBI.

1:22:421:22:45

-Yes, sir.

-What is your name?

1:22:451:22:48

-Rupert Pupkin.

-What is your real name?

1:22:481:22:50

That's my real name.

1:22:501:22:53

Well, Mr Pupkin, will you tell us where Jerry is or not?

1:22:531:22:56

Are you from the show?

1:22:561:22:59

No, I'm not in the show.

1:22:591:23:01

This is Agent Giardello and Captain Burke.

1:23:011:23:04

I'd like to meet someone from the show.

1:23:041:23:07

You get to see them when I get to see Langford.

1:23:071:23:10

I'd like to see someone from the show first.

1:23:101:23:13

-Not unless you tell us where Langford is.

-Then Jerry's dead.

1:23:131:23:18

Get Thomas.

1:23:181:23:20

-I'm Bert Thomas. Are you Mr King?

-Yes.

1:23:221:23:25

-How do you do?

-Did we talk on the phone today?

1:23:251:23:28

Yes, we spoke a few moments ago.

1:23:281:23:31

And Jerry spoke to you earlier.

1:23:311:23:33

Er, where did you get this?

1:23:331:23:35

That's Jerry's, as you can see.

1:23:351:23:38

-What's that?

-That's my blood, not Jerry's.

1:23:381:23:41

I'll buy this.

1:23:411:23:43

What have we here?

1:23:431:23:44

It's my introduction. Can Mr Randall say it word for word?

1:23:441:23:48

-It's introducing your monologue?

-Yes.

1:23:481:23:51

-Could I have a copy of your monologue?

-I have it memorised.

1:23:511:23:56

-So I don't have a copy of it.

-There are reasons I need a copy.

1:23:561:24:00

You can't say anything obscene or upset the audience.

1:24:001:24:04

No, it's all right, really. It's wholesome.

1:24:041:24:07

-You guarantee that?

-I guarantee it.

-OK.

1:24:071:24:10

Make sure they last till 11:30. >

1:24:101:24:13

-He'll get everything he needs.

-It was nice meeting you.

1:24:131:24:17

Sit down, Pupkin.

1:24:171:24:19

Pupkin, I gotta tell you this.

1:24:191:24:21

From this point on, you have the right to remain silent.

1:24:211:24:25

-Do you understand?

-Mm-hm.

1:24:251:24:27

Anything you say may be used against you in a court of law.

1:24:271:24:31

-Say you understand.

-I understand that.

1:24:311:24:34

Did you participate in the abduction of Jerry Langford?

1:24:341:24:38

Yes, I did. I abducted him.

1:24:381:24:40

-You abducted him?

-Yes.

1:24:401:24:42

-Do you know where he is right now?

-Yes, I do.

1:24:421:24:46

-Will you lead us to him.

-No, I won't.

1:24:461:24:48

Well, at this time, Mr Pupkin, I advise you to consider yourself under arrest.

1:24:481:24:54

Fine. I think I should get made up.

1:24:541:24:56

He needs some make-up. Put some colour in his face.

1:24:561:25:00

I could put some colour on your face.

1:25:001:25:03

Really, I should get made up.

1:25:031:25:05

MAN READS: "Sad news for you."

1:25:051:25:08

Tony, did you want to see me?

1:25:091:25:11

Have you seen this stuff? I think it's fine.

1:25:111:25:14

"My writing staff was executed by the network firing squad."

1:25:141:25:18

You're laughing at that? It's good.

1:25:181:25:21

Why do I have to say this? Exactly as it's written.

1:25:211:25:25

It'll be good for you. Trust me.

1:25:251:25:27

You're the director. Can you help me?

1:25:271:25:30

Take those tissues out and let's go.

1:25:301:25:32

Be sure to turn the cards fast.

1:25:321:25:35

Are you listening to me? OK.

1:25:351:25:37

Let's do something crazy tonight.

1:25:371:25:39

Just get insane! I want to be nuts!

1:25:391:25:42

I want some fun! Godammit.

1:25:421:25:44

My doctor says, "Don't have fun!

1:25:441:25:46

"You're not allowed to have a good time!"

1:25:461:25:50

I like being in control.

1:25:501:25:52

But for one night I'd like to see myself out of my head! Wouldn't you?

1:25:521:25:57

Wouldn't it be fabulous?

1:25:571:25:59

I'm having a good time.

1:26:001:26:02

I'm having fun.

1:26:061:26:08

Fun is my middle name.

1:26:091:26:11

That's right.

1:26:121:26:14

Having some fun! I never had this much fun before. That's right.

1:26:141:26:19

Good, old-fashioned,

1:26:201:26:22

all-American fun!

1:26:231:26:25

MC: 'And now, direct from New York,

1:26:251:26:27

'it's the Jerry Langford Show.

1:26:271:26:30

'With guest host Tony Randall.

1:26:301:26:32

'And his special guests,

1:26:321:26:34

'Shelley Winters, Gore Vidal, Tony Bennett.

1:26:341:26:38

'As always, Lou Brown and the orchestra.'

1:26:381:26:41

And little old me, Ed Herlihy.

1:26:411:26:43

And now, say hello to...

1:26:431:26:46

Tony!

1:26:461:26:48

APPLAUSE

1:26:481:26:50

WHISTLING

1:26:501:26:52

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

1:27:021:27:04

I have some sad news for you. AUDIENCE: Aww!

1:27:041:27:08

Earlier today my writing staff was executed by the network firing squad.

1:27:081:27:13

So there will be no Randall monologue this evening.

1:27:131:27:17

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

1:27:171:27:19

No embarrassing display of emotion.

1:27:241:27:27

We'll do something a little different.

1:27:271:27:30

(A lot different if you ask me.)

1:27:301:27:32

We'll give you a glimpse... (..Turn it over.)

1:27:321:27:36

..into the future.

1:27:361:27:38

It's not often you have a sure thing in the entertainment business.

1:27:381:27:43

The verdict is in YOUR hands.

1:27:431:27:45

But after you've met...

1:27:451:27:47

LAUGHTER

1:27:471:27:49

..my first guest,

1:27:491:27:51

you'll agree with me that he's destined for greatness!

1:27:511:27:55

In one way or another.

1:27:551:27:57

Please give your warmest greetings to the newest King of Comedy -

1:27:571:28:02

Rupert Pupkin.

1:28:021:28:04

CHEERING

1:28:041:28:06

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce myself. I am Rupert Pupkin.

1:28:161:28:21

I can't believe I'm gonna kiss you.

1:28:251:28:27

Masha.

1:28:291:28:31

Take the tape off.

1:28:311:28:33

Really?

1:28:331:28:35

Come on. Take it off.

1:28:351:28:37

APPLAUSE

1:28:421:28:44

OK. I'm ready now.

1:28:441:28:46

Take him back down. With pleasure.

1:28:461:28:48

Why did you do this? Tell me why, then maybe I can believe in you. Why do it?

1:28:481:28:54

-Do you know what time it is?

-Yes. It's 10:55.

1:28:541:28:57

We'd better go. Because otherwise, I don't like saying this, Jerry will be unavailable.

1:28:571:29:03

You'll understand when we go.

1:29:031:29:05

Why will I understand? Where are we going?

1:29:051:29:09

-Part of the bargain is I see it somewhere else.

-What?

1:29:091:29:12

That's my understanding.

1:29:121:29:14

I want to see it in this other place.

1:29:141:29:17

Once I see it, I'll give you Langford.

1:29:171:29:20

You don't understand my position.

1:29:201:29:23

I have you right now. So I have a shot at Langford.

1:29:231:29:26

-But you don't have Jerry.

-I understand that.

1:29:261:29:29

I'll get it off as fast as I can.

1:29:311:29:33

That's good, Masha.

1:29:331:29:35

Yeah?

1:29:351:29:37

-Are you all right?

-I'm fine.

1:29:371:29:39

There you are.

1:29:391:29:41

Come on.

1:29:411:29:43

One more thing, please. I can't walk in with you.

1:29:491:29:52

If you could wait here and let me walk in by myself.

1:29:521:29:56

I'll break your ankles if you make a wrong move.

1:29:561:30:00

No, I promise. OK?

1:30:001:30:02

-Make believe you don't know me, too.

-Go ahead.

1:30:021:30:05

Jerry, you seem a little bit...

1:30:301:30:33

Jerry!

1:30:441:30:46

Jerry, wait!

1:30:461:30:48

Jerry! Jerry!

1:30:481:30:50

Jerry, come back here!

1:30:501:30:52

Jerry!

1:30:541:30:56

RITA: Oh, God.

1:31:001:31:02

What do you want now?

1:31:031:31:05

MAN: What are you doing?

1:31:081:31:10

-I'm watching that. It's almost over.

-Just a minute.

1:31:101:31:14

MC: 'It's the Jerry Langford Show.

1:31:141:31:17

'With guest host Tony Randall.

1:31:171:31:19

'And his special guests...'

1:31:191:31:21

What's going on here?

1:31:211:31:24

Do you know him?

1:31:241:31:26

Unfortunately, yes.

1:31:261:31:28

Sit tight. Relax. Everything will be OK.

1:31:281:31:31

'..my first guest.

1:31:311:31:33

'..he's destined for greatness.

1:31:331:31:36

'In one way or another.

1:31:361:31:38

'Please give your warmest greetings to the newest King of Comedy -

1:31:381:31:42

'Rupert Pupkin.'

1:31:421:31:45

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE ON TV

1:31:451:31:47

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce myself. I am Rupert Pupkin.

1:31:561:32:02

I was born in Clifton, New Jersey,

1:32:021:32:04

which was not at that time a federal offence.

1:32:041:32:08

Is there anyone here from Clifton?

1:32:081:32:10

-Oh, good. We can all relax now.

-LAUGHTER

1:32:101:32:13

I'd like to begin by saying that my parents were too poor to afford me a childhood.

1:32:131:32:19

But the fact is that no-one is allowed to be too poor in Clifton,

1:32:191:32:24

because once you fall below a certain level, they exile you.

1:32:241:32:28

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

1:32:281:32:30

But my parents did put the first two down payments on my childhood.

1:32:321:32:37

But they did also return me to the hospital as defective.

1:32:371:32:41

LAUGHTER

1:32:411:32:43

But, like everyone else, I grew up in large part thanks to my mother.

1:32:431:32:48

If she were only here today,

1:32:481:32:50

I'd say, "Hey, Mom, what are you doing here? You're dead!"

1:32:501:32:54

LAUGHTER AND CLAPPING

1:32:541:32:56

But seriously, you should have seen my mom.

1:32:561:32:59

She was wonderful. Blonde, beautiful, intelligent...

1:32:591:33:03

alcoholic.

1:33:031:33:05

We used to drink milk together after school.

1:33:051:33:08

Mine was homogenised. Hers was loaded.

1:33:081:33:11

They picked her up for speeding. They clocked her doing 50.

1:33:111:33:15

In our garage!

1:33:151:33:17

APPLAUSE

1:33:171:33:19

When they tested her, they found her alcohol had 2% blood.

1:33:231:33:27

LAUGHTER AND CLAPPING

1:33:271:33:29

WHOOPING

1:33:291:33:31

Ah, but we used to joke together, Mom and me.

1:33:331:33:36

Until the tears would stroll down her face and she would throw up!

1:33:361:33:40

Yeah. And who would clean it up?

1:33:401:33:43

Not Dad. He was too busy at O'Grady's, throwing up on his own.

1:33:431:33:47

Yeah. In fact, until I was 16, I thought throwing up was a sign of maturity.

1:33:471:33:53

While the other kids were sneaking cigarettes,

1:33:541:33:57

I hid behind the house with my fingers down my throat.

1:33:571:34:01

LAUGHTER

1:34:011:34:03

The only problem was,

1:34:051:34:07

I never got anywhere.

1:34:071:34:09

Until one day my father caught me.

1:34:091:34:11

Just as he was giving me a final kick in the stomach for luck,

1:34:111:34:16

I managed to heave all over his new shoes.

1:34:161:34:19

"That's it," I thought. "I've made it! I'm finally a man!"

1:34:191:34:23

APPLAUSE

1:34:231:34:25

WHISTLING

1:34:251:34:27

WHOOPING

1:34:271:34:29

But, as it turned out, I was wrong.

1:34:311:34:33

-That was the only attention my father gave me.

-AUDIENCE: Aww.

1:34:331:34:38

He was usually too busy in the park playing ball with my sister Rose.

1:34:381:34:43

But today, thanks to those many hours of practice,

1:34:441:34:47

my sister Rose has grown into a fine man.

1:34:471:34:50

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

1:34:501:34:52

WHISTLING AND WHOOPING

1:34:521:34:54

I wasn't interested in athletics.

1:34:551:34:58

The only exercise I got was when the other kids picked on me.

1:34:581:35:02

They beat me up every Tuesday.

1:35:021:35:05

And then, the school worked it into the curriculum.

1:35:061:35:09

And if you knocked me out, you got extra credit.

1:35:101:35:14

Except this one poor kid was afraid of me.

1:35:151:35:18

I used to tell him, "Hit me! What's the matter with you?

1:35:181:35:22

"Don't you want to graduate?"

1:35:221:35:24

APPLAUSE AND WHISTLING

1:35:241:35:26

I was the youngest kid in the the history of the school to graduate in traction.

1:35:281:35:34

But my only real interest, right from the beginning, was show business.

1:35:361:35:42

As a young man, I began at the very top,

1:35:421:35:45

collecting autographs.

1:35:451:35:47

Now...

1:35:471:35:49

A lot of you are probably wondering why Jerry isn't with us tonight.

1:35:511:35:56

The fact is, he's tied up. And I'm the one who tied him.

1:35:561:36:00

I know you think I'm joking, but that's the only way I could break into show business.

1:36:011:36:07

By hijacking Jerry Langford.

1:36:071:36:09

Right now, Jerry is strapped to a chair somewhere in this city.

1:36:091:36:14

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

1:36:141:36:16

WHISTLING AND WHOOPING

1:36:161:36:18

Go ahead and laugh. Thank you. I appreciate it.

1:36:191:36:23

But the fact is, I'm here.

1:36:231:36:25

Tomorrow you'll know I wasn't kidding and you'll think I was crazy.

1:36:251:36:30

But better to be king for a night than schmuck for a lifetime.

1:36:301:36:34

APPLAUSE AND WHISTLING

1:36:341:36:36

APPLAUSE

1:37:011:37:03

ORCHESTRA PLAY HIM OFF

1:37:031:37:06

POLICE SIRENS

1:37:121:37:14

MAN: How did you do that?

1:37:151:37:17

Did you like it? Thank you.

1:37:171:37:20

I'll buy everyone a drink. I hope you enjoyed the show. ..Rita, keep the change.

1:37:201:37:25

Come on. Let's go. >

1:37:251:37:27

-Just because I made it big doesn't mean I'll forget you.

-Come on, will you?

1:37:271:37:33

-I'll call you, as soon as...

-Come on.

1:37:331:37:35

What's happening here? That's the same guy who was on TV.

1:37:351:37:40

Just now, the same guy.

1:37:401:37:42

I'm just getting even.

1:37:431:37:45

Those jokes... those jokes were murder.

1:37:451:37:48

-You didn't like those jokes?

-No. No.

1:37:481:37:50

I'm looking for the guy that wrote your material.

1:37:501:37:54

I'd like to pick him up.

1:37:541:37:56

-I wrote it.

-You wrote that material?

1:37:561:37:59

I think they were very good jokes.

1:37:591:38:01

If you wrote it, I've got one piece of advice for you.

1:38:011:38:05

Throw yourself on your knees in front of the judge and beg for mercy.

1:38:051:38:10

That's very funny, but you'll see.

1:38:101:38:13

NEWS: 'In a bizarre debut, self-styled comedian Rupert Pupkin appeared on The Jerry Langford Show.'

1:38:131:38:20

NEWS: 'The name Rupert Pupkin is now a household word.'

1:38:201:38:24

'We estimate his performance has been viewed by a record 87,000,000 households.'

1:38:241:38:30

'The kidnapping King of Comedy was sentenced to six years in prison in Allenwood, Pennsylvania,

1:38:301:38:37

'for his part in the abduction of Jerry Langford.'

1:38:371:38:41

'Explaining his appearance on the show,

1:38:411:38:44

'Rupert Pupkin told reporters he still considers Jerry his friend and mentor.'

1:38:441:38:50

'He has been writing his memoirs, which have been purchased

1:38:501:38:55

'by a leading publishing house for over 1,000,000.'

1:38:551:38:58

'Rupert Pupkin was released after serving two years and nine months.

1:38:581:39:04

'Hundreds were there to greet the 37-year-old.

1:39:041:39:07

'His agent announced that King For A Night, his best-selling autobiography,

1:39:071:39:13

'would become a motion picture.'

1:39:131:39:16

'Pupkin said he had used his prison term to sharpen his material.

1:39:161:39:20

'He is looking forward to resuming his show business career.'

1:39:201:39:25

MC: 'And now, ladies and gentlemen, the man we've all been waiting for.

1:39:261:39:31

'And waiting for.

1:39:311:39:33

ORCHESTRA INTRO

1:39:331:39:35

'Would you welcome home, please, television's brightest new star,

1:39:351:39:40

'the legendary, inspirational, one-and-only King of Comedy

1:39:401:39:45

'ladies and gentlemen, Rupert Pupkin.'

1:39:451:39:48

APPLAUSE

1:39:481:39:50

CHEERING

1:39:501:39:52

'Ladies and gentlemen, let's hear it for Rupert Pupkin!'

1:40:001:40:04

APPLAUSE

1:40:041:40:06

'Wonderful. Rupert Pupkin, ladies and gentlemen.

1:40:081:40:11

'Rupert Pupkin, ladies and gentlemen.

1:40:141:40:17

'Let's hear it for Rupert Pupkin.

1:40:171:40:20

'Wonderful. Rupert Pupkin, ladies and gentlemen.'

1:40:201:40:23

WHISTLING

1:40:231:40:26

LAUGHTER

1:40:261:40:28

MUSIC: "Wonderful Remark" by Van Morrison

1:40:371:40:40

# How can you stand the silence

1:40:471:40:50

# That pervades when we all cry?

1:40:511:40:54

# How can you watch the violence

1:40:551:40:58

# That erupts before your eyes?

1:40:591:41:01

# How can you tell us something

1:41:021:41:04

# Just to keep us hanging on?

1:41:061:41:08

# Something that just don't mean nothing

1:41:091:41:12

# When we see it, you are gone

1:41:141:41:16

# Clinging to some other rainbow

1:41:181:41:20

# I was standing, waiting in the cold

1:41:211:41:24

# Telling us the same old story

1:41:251:41:28

# Knowing time is growing old

1:41:291:41:31

# That was a wonderful remark

1:41:331:41:37

# I had my eyes closed in the dark

1:41:401:41:44

# I sighed a million sighs

1:41:481:41:50

# I told a million lies

1:41:521:41:54

# To myself

1:41:541:41:56

# To myself

1:41:581:42:00

# How can we listen to you

1:42:111:42:15

# When we know your talk is cheap?

1:42:151:42:17

# How can we ever question

1:42:191:42:22

# Why we give more and you keep?

1:42:231:42:25

# How can your empty laughter

1:42:261:42:28

# Fill a room like ours with joy?

1:42:301:42:33

# When you're only playing with us like a child with a toy... #

1:42:331:42:37

Subtitles by Paul Vane, ITFC, for BBC Subtitling - 2001

1:42:371:42:41

E-mail us at [email protected]

1:42:411:42:44

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