Guys and Dolls

# When you see a guy Reach for stars in the sky

# You can bet That he's doin' it for some doll

# When you spot a John Waiting out in the rain

# Chances are he's insane As only a John can be for a Jane

# When you meet a Gent Paying all kinds of rent

# For a flat That could flatten the Taj Mahal

# Call it sad, call it funny But it's better than even money

# That the guy's only doin' it for some doll. #

# Your eyes are the eyes

# Of a woman in love

# And, oh, how they give you away

# Why try to deny

# You're a woman in love

# When I know very well

# What I say... #

HE WHISTLES

TYRES SCREECH

HE BLOWS WHISTLE

BUGLE PLAYS FANFARE

# I got the horse right here The name is Paul Revere

# And here's a guy that says If the weather's clear

# Can do Can do

# This guy says the horse can do

# If he says the horse can do

# Can do Can do

# I'm pickin' Valentine

# Cos on the mornin' line The guy has got him figured

# At five-to-nine

# But make it epitaph He wins it by a half

# According to this here In the telegraph

# For Paul Revere, I'll bite I hear his foot's all right

# Of course it all depends If it rained last night

# I know it's Valentine The morning work looked fine

# You know, the jockey's brother's A friend of mine

# And just a minute, boys, I got the feedbox noise

# It says the great-grandfather Was equipoise

# I tell you, Paul Revere Now this is no bum steer

# It's from a handicapper That's real sincere

# I'm pickin' Valentine Cos on the mornin' line

# The guy has got him figured At five-to-nine

# So make it epitaph He wins it by a half

# According to this here In the telegraph

-# Epitaph

-Valentine

-Paul Revere

ALL: # I got the horse

ALL: # Right

ALL: # Here! #

BUGLE PLAYS FANFARE

Extra! Read all about it!

# Follow the fold and stray no more

# Stray no more

# Stray no more

# Put down the bottle and we'll say no more

# Follow, follow the fold

# Before you take another swallow

# Follow the fold and stray no more

# Stray no more

# Stray no more

# Tear up your poker deck and play no more

# Follow, follow the fold. #

Friends, my name is Sarah Brown.

This is no place to make a speech,

and I'm not going to try.

You don't want to be told how unhappy you are,

you don't want to be told about the emptiness of your lives.

You who drink too much,

you who gamble at cards, dice, and horse racing,

let us help you

not to lose your hard-earned money

in gambling dens and bookie joints.

This doll has captured my attention.

Let us give you the strength to stop your drinking, your gambling.

She has lost me.

Let us welcome you to the save-a-soul mission.

Come to me! Come to me!

Folks, you're going to call me a liar,

think I ain't tellin' the truth

because today I'm giving away

solid gold watches for 1.00 each.

That's right, my friends,

a solid gold watch for one buck.

All that glitters is not gold.

More to be desired are the judgments of heaven.

-Gold is not enough.

-You say it's not enough?

Today only I'll include a nailbrush

with a solid ivory top

and a built-in, genuine magnetic compass.

There you are.

When you're brushing your nails,

do you wonder where you're going?

Which way is north, east, south, west?

Which way are you going -

down, down, down, or up to salvation?

Find out at the mission absolutely free.

The nailbrush absolutely free! Don't crowd. Don't push.

There's plenty of room for everybody.

There's room for everybody in the kingdom of heaven, too.

Now, folks, I don't care whether you buy or not.

Let's pack up.

Did you notice how this time a lot of them stayed

till you were almost halfway through your talk?

If we could only sell them salvation for a buck -

solid gold with an ivory top and a built-in compass.

Sarah, you don't suppose those watches

could really be solid gold?

Uncle Arvide, don't you dare.

That's right, my friends, a solid gold watch for one buck!

Harry the horse!

Benny Southstreet.

Since when do you yell out the name of a person

in the open air, which is full of police?

It was a friendly impulse. I lost my head.

If I do not like you so much, this would now be a fact.

You know Nicely-Nicely Johnson.

Of course. How goes everything?

Nicely-nicely, thank you.

I have been waiting to hear from Nathan Detroit

what will be the location of his crap game.

We don't know yet. Nathan's been looking around.

But as you know, he's very hard to please.

Confidentially, the heat is on very hot.

-And it is making Nathan sweat.

-That's too bad.

I would dislike to take my trade elsewhere,

but I'm loaded and looking for action.

I've just acquired 5,000 fish.

5,000? If it can be told, where did you take on

-this fine bundle of lettuce?

-I have nothing to hide.

I collected the reward on my father.

It is an advantage to have a successful father.

Nobody wanted my old man for as much as 500.

I'm worried about Nathan. Harry's not the only one.

There's a lot of loose money around now.

Everybody's looking for some action.

-If Nathan doesn't find a place...

-SHOP BELL JINGLES

Why, Lieutenant Brannigan. Mr Southstreet,

it is Lieutenant Brannigan of the New York City police department.

Have either of you seen Nathan Detroit?

Which Nathan Detroit is that?

Your boss Nathan Detroit.

The Nathan Detroit who runs a floating crap game.

-Floating crap game?

-On a boat?

A crap game that moves to different spots

so the police can't find it.

Sounds like a very difficult thing to do.

You should know since it's your job

to rustle up the customers and tell 'em where it is.

Especially with a famous detective like you putting on the heat.

You can give just that message to Detroit.

Tell him Brannigan says

he's not finding a spot for his crap game

because everybody knows Brannigan's put on the heat,

and Brannigan's breathing down everybody's neck.

Nathan, you're lucky. You just missed Brannigan.

I'm lucky. I just missed Brannigan.

He left a message. He said to tell you...

I am not going to find a place

for my crap game, because everybody knows

Brannigan's turned on the heat.

Brannigan's breathing down everybody's neck.

That's what he said.

Won't any of the regular places take a chance,

-seeing it's you?

-Seeing it's me, no.

Except one. Joey Biltmore's garage.

Joey said he might take a chance...for 1,000.

-1,000!

-In advance and in cash.

He would not even take my marker.

This I do not believe! Joey Biltmore will not take your marker.

You've got no idea what a breath this Brannigan has got.

Alter all, a marker's not just a paper saying,

"I owe you 1,000, signed Nathan Detroit."

A marker is the one pledge a guy cannot Welsh on. Never.

It's like not saluting the flag.

It does not seem possible - me without a livelihood.

Why, I've been running the crap game since I was a juvenile delinquent.

But, Nathan, the situation's desperate.

You have got to think of something.

My only thought costs 1,000.

I cannot even afford to think.

I'm broke. I'm so broke I couldn't even buy a present for Adelaide today.

Is it her birthday?

It is mine and Adelaide's 14th anniversary.

We are engaged 14 years today.

Nathan, you must concentrate on a game.

The town's up to here with high players. The Greek's in town.

-Brandy Bottle-base.

-Scranton slim.

-I know. I know.

I could make a fortune, but to make a fortune, I need a fortune.

1,000 bucks. Where do I get it?

# The Biltmore garage wants a grand

# But we ain't got a grand on hand

# And they now have a lock on the door

# To the gym at public school 84

# There's the stockroom behind McCloskey's bar

# But Mrs McCloskey ain't a good scout

# And things bein' how they are

# The back of the police station is out

BOTH: # So the Biltmore garage is the spot

# But the 1,000 bucks we ain't got

# Why, it's good old reliable Nathan

# Nathan, Nathan Nathan Detroit

# If you're lookin' for action He'll furnish the spot

# Even when the heat is on It's never too hot

# Not for good old reliable Nathan

# For it's always just a short walk

# To the oldest established Permanent floating

# Crap game in New York

# There are well-heeled shooters Everywhere, everywhere

# There are well-heeled shooters everywhere

# And an awful lot of lettuce

# For the fella who can get us there

# If we only had a lousy little grand

# We could be a millionaire

# That's good old reliable Nathan

# Nathan, Nathan Nathan Detroit

# If the size of your bundle You want to increase

# I'll arrange that you go broke In quiet and peace

# In a hideout provided by Nathan

# Where there are no neighbours to squawk

# It's the oldest established Permanent floating

# Crap game in New York

# Where's the action? Where's the game?

# Gotta have the game or we'll die from shame

# It's the oldest established

# Permanent floating

# Crap game

# In

# New York! #

Gentlemen, I am deeply touched by your faith and loyalty.

Gentlemen, do not worry.

Nathan Detroit's crap game will float again.

Nathan, guess who's sitting in Mindy's right now

-eating a steak breakfast?

-Hitler.

-Wrong. Sky Masterson.

Sky Masterson's in town.

This should be the greatest crap game of your career.

Where's it going to be?

City hall. Mayor's office.

-What time?

-We will leave you know, Angie.

Sky Masterson, the highest player of them all.

What a spot I'm in.

Does he bet higher than the Greek?

Why do you think they call him Sky?

Once, with my own eyes, I saw him bet 5,000 bucks

that one raindrop would beat another down the window.

Another time he was sick, and he would not take penicillin.

He bet his fever would go to 104. Always makes crazy bets like that.

Did he win?

Him and his crazy bets, he got lucky. It went to 106.

So why don't I bet him?

Why don't I bet him 1,000 on something?

Max, what's the matter, no Danish today?

It's a holiday in Denmark, how do I know?

All these years, you've brought me Danish.

So we ain't got Danish today.

Today I'm bringing you cheesecake. You want strudel instead?

-I'll bring you strudel.

-I don't like strudel.

So eat the cheesecake. Live it up a little.

I do not understand you, Nathan.

Everybody's crazy about Mindy's cheesecake and strudel.

-They must sell thousands of portions every day.

-That's just it.

Everybody's on cheesecake and strudel.

Makes me feel like I'm playing a favourite.

Playing the favourite...

Nicely, Benny... I want you to go into the kitchen,

and find out exactly how many pieces of cheesecake they sold yesterday.

Also, how many pieces of strudel.

How much cheesecake? How much strudel?

Why do you want to know?

I'm investigating for the FBI. Go!

Brannigan! Stop breathing down my neck.

-Why, Nathan.

-Adelaide. Doll.

How could you think I was Lieutenant Brannigan?

We don't even use the same perfume.

I was kind of daydreaming, I guess.

I don't dream about detectives, even in the daytime.

Do you know what I dream about?

You. And your career as a businessman

in a normal business, and our career together

as a normal husband and wife.

-Ah-choo!

-Gesundheit!

-Thank you.

Your cold does not seem to be getting better.

It comes and goes. It's just a chronic condition.

Even if it is, it sure hangs on.

Nathan, speaking of chronic conditions...

Happy Anniversary.

Guess what's inside.

-1,000 bucks?

-I only wish it was.

Go on, open it up.

"Mr Nathan Detroit, General Manager."

-General Manager of what?

-Whatever you set your mind on.

I have faith.

Adelaide, I... I do not have a present for you.

I don't mind if you don't give me a present.

It makes me feel like we were married.

Nathan, darling, there isn't anything I couldn't do without,

just as long as you don't start running that crap game again.

Crap game? Adelaide, didn't I promise you?

-1,200 cheesecake, 1,500 strudel.

-What?

Yesterday Mindy's sold 1,200 cheesecake and 1,500 strudel.

More strudel than cheesecake. Are you sure?

-Straight from the baker's mouth.

-What's this all about?

Statistics. Things a businessman has to have at his fingertips.

-Hey, any news yet?

-I will leave you know.

I'm getting impatient, Detroit.

-And what was that about?

-His wife's having a baby.

-But why is he asking you?

-He's nervous. It's his first wife.

Look, Adelaide,

I'm expecting a fellow on an important business conference.

Suddenly I get a suspicion you are trying to get rid of me.

-No, doll, no, it's just this fella does big business.

-Supermarkets?

Super super. With him, business is business. Dolls make him nervous.

Besides, you're late for your rehearsal.

Nicely, you and Benny take Adelaide by cab.

It's only a couple blocks.

The streets are covered with tourists.

I do not want you molested.

Nathan, darling, you are the most thoughtful man that ever lived.

-But who's going to pay for the cab?

-I am, of course.

Sky Masterson.

-Detroit.

-Can I believe my eyes, is it really you?

How goes your percentage of life, Nathan?

-Not bad. And you?

-Healthy at the moment.

Sit for a minute. Relax. Talk. Maybe you're in a hurry.

My daddy always said there's only one time a man should be in a hurry,

when the cops are coming up the stairs.

How about some coffee? Maybe a piece of cheesecake?

No, thanks. I'm pleased to hear things go well.

From communiques received in Las Vegas,

we understood Brannigan was corking up the town.

Ah, who worries about Brannigan? How was Vegas?

Paradise for two weeks.

For two weeks I gambled in green pastures...

the dice were my cousins, and the dolls were agreeable,

with nice teeth and no last names.

Sure I cannot offer you cheesecake or maybe strudel?

No, thanks. I just ate.

How long will you be in town?

Only for tonight. Tomorrow I fly to Havana.

Sky.

Don't think I am a pest,

but eat this last bite of cheesecake.

Honestly, I couldn't swallow a mouthful.

-How is Adelaide?

-Fine, fine.

I suppose one day you'll be getting married.

-We all got to go sometime.

-But, Nathan, we can fight it.

The companionship of a doll is a pleasant thing

even for a period running into months.

But for a lifelong relationship,

no doll can take the place of aces back to back.

Still, you'll admit Mindy's cheesecake

is the greatest cheesecake alive.

Gladly.

Furthermore, I'm quite partial to Mindy's cheesecake.

And although you might disagree, many people prefer Mindy's strudel.

Do you disagree?

It is my understanding that the United States constitution

allows everybody their free choice between cheesecake and strudel.

I would be interested to hear...

offhand, would you say

that Mindy's sells more cheesecake or more strudel?

Going strictly by my personal preference,

I'd say more cheesecake than strudel.

For how much?

-What?

-For how much?

Why, Nathan, I never knew you to lay money on the line.

You always take your bite off the top.

1,000 bucks says yesterday Mindy's sold more strudel than cheesecake.

Nathan, let me tell you a story.

Have we got a bet?

On the day I left home to make my way in the world,

my daddy took me to one side.

"Son," my daddy says to me,

"I'm sorry I'm not able to bankroll you

"to a very large start.

"But not able to get you rolling,

"instead, I'll stake you to some valuable advice.

"One day in your travels,

"a guy will show you a brand-new deck of cards

"on which the seal is not yet broken.

"Then he'll offer to bet you

"that he can make the Jack of spades

"jump out and squirt cider on your ear.

"Son, you do not accept this bet,

"because as sure as you stand there

"you're going to wind up with an ear full of cider."

Now, I do not suggest

you've been clocking Mindy's cheesecake.

Would I do such a thing?

However, if you're really looking for action,

I will bet you the same 1,000

you cannot name the colour tie you have on.

Have we got a bet?

No bet.

Polka dots.

In the whole world, nobody but Nathan Detroit

could blow 1,000 bucks on polka dots.

-Hi, Sky.

-How goes it, Sky?

Healthy at the moment. And with you, Nicely?

Nicely-nicely, thanks. Nathan? What's wrong? You look sick.

A temporary disorder. The cheesecake backed up on him.

Maybe that's why they said they sell more strudel.

Adelaide gave us a message.

Pick her up after the show and don't be late.

Yes, dear. I mean, OK.

"Yes, dear"? This is husband talk.

Nathan, you are trapped. Adelaide is the kind of doll

-most difficult to unload.

-I don't want to unload her. I love her.

If a guy does not have a doll, who would holler on him?

A doll is a necessity.

Like I told you, I'm not putting the knock on dolls.

It's just that they are something to have around when they come in handy,

like cough drops. And the proof that I am right is that dolls are

available all over the place as far as the eye can see.

Not dolls like Adelaide.

Nathan, nothing personal,

and no offence, but, figuring weight for age,

all dolls are the same.

All dolls are the same?

As far as the eye can see.

It seems a doll would come in handy on a trip to Havana.

This being the case, how come you ain't got one?

How come you're going alone?

A matter of choice. If I wish to take a doll,

the supply is more than Woolworth has beads.

-Not high-class dolls.

-There's only one class -

indivisible, interchangeable.

A doll is a doll. All dolls. Any doll. You name her.

Any doll? Will you bet on that?

Would you bet 1,000 bucks that if I name a doll,

you can take the same doll to Havana with you tomorrow?

You've got yourself a bet.

MISSION BAND PLAYS

I name her.

-Her?

-Sergeant Sarah Brown.

Daddy... I got cider in my ear.

It is my fault, you know.

It's not the mission, it's me.

I can't do the job that has to be done. I'm a failure.

I'd be doing the right thing

if I resigned and went home to Boston.

Sarah. Should you be able to bend a solid gold watch?

-Of course not.

-That's what I thought.

Why do you want to go home,

because there aren't any sinners in Boston?

What have I accomplished here?

Surrounded by thousands depraved characters,

and after months of hard work an empty mission.

Sarah, I'm ashamed of you.

Just because the riffraff of Broadway didn't break down that door

the minute they heard you were in charge of mission.

These aren't small-town delinquents who drink too much Saturday night.

You're up against the devil's first-string troops,

an army of devil's disciples.

Do you take sinners here?

At any time of day or night, son. Come right in and sit down.

-Cup of coffee and a doughnut?

-Just coffee, thanks.

I'm not here because I'm poor and hungry...

not for food, that is.

"Blessed are they which do hunger after righteousness."

"Hunger and thirst after righteousness." Yes, sir, that's it.

My name's Arvide Abernathy.

The young lady is Sergeant Sarah Brown.

-To you, brother Arvide and sister Sarah. Sit down, son.

-How do you do?

Brother Sky. Hello, sister Sarah.

-Is that your name? Sky?

-Sky Masterson.

-What is it that troubles you, Mr Masterson?

-Brother Sky.

Brother Sky. I gather you're not in need of money.

I'm healthy at the moment. It can change.

Are only the unhappy poor welcome here?

What are you unhappy about, son?

Ahem. Gambling.

Well, apparently you are a successful gambler.

Is it wrong to gamble or only to lose?

I better come back for help when I'm broke.

Oh, please don't misunderstand.

It's just unusual for a successful sinner

to be unhappy about sin.

Besides, my unhappiness came up very suddenly. Maybe it'll go away.

We can keep you unhappy. Give us a chance.

You don't look like a gambler at heart. What made you take it up?

Evil companions.

Evil companions who are always offering sucker bets.

Just what is a sucker bet?

A bet that's reserved for suckers.

For a gambler, getting sucked in is most humiliating,

but losing means you're marked as a chump.

So you must go all out to win such a bet.

Is that so terrible, being marked as a chump?

Among my people, being a chump is like losing your citizenship.

A chump is an outsider,

a yokel who'll buy anything with varnish on it.

-Like a solid gold watch for 1.00?

-This is a real chump.

Well, I think I'll get some rest before we go out again.

Brother Sky, I'm glad you found us.

You can stay here and talk to sister Sarah.

Whatever your problems are, she'll have the answer.

-I hope so.

-I know so.

If there's one thing sister Sarah never fails in,

it's solving other people's problems.

What did he mean by that?

The way he said it - you never fail solving other people's problems.

Haven't we changed places, Mr Masterson?

Brother Sky. Why do you have trouble calling me brother Sky?

Brother Sky, aren't we supposed to be discussing your problems?

It just struck me that maybe nonsinners also have problems.

If you're sincerely interested in giving up gambling,

Mr... Brother Sky, reading these pamphlets will help you.

My daddy always said reading pamphlets never made anybody give up anything.

I had a more personal help in mind.

We're having a midnight prayer meeting Thursday.

Thursday's the day after tomorrow.

Who's going to help me between now and then?

Well, our doors are always open. Come in anytime.

You know what I think, sister Sarah?

I think you not only don't want to help me,

-but for some reason, you're against me.

-I'm afraid that's true.

I don't trust you, Mr Masterson.

-Brother Sky.

-Mr Masterson.

-You don't believe I'm a sinner, do you?

-I prepared to believe you're

the biggest sinner I've ever met in my life.

But you don't believe I want to repent.

Is that it?

All of a sudden you want a cup of coffee.

Did it ever occur to you

some people could be all repentance and no sin?

I may start a chain of missions to help your kind.

"Come all ye repenters.

"and us bring a little sin into your life."

"There is no peace onto the wicked. Proverbs."

This is wrong.

Let's say it's a matter of opinion, shall we?

I made a statement of fact. It's wrong.

How dare you?

Even if it's not a church, it is a mission!

-How dare you blaspheme?

-How dare you misquote the bible?

-It's Isaiah, not proverbs.

-Of course it's proverbs.

-Isaiah.

Chapter 57, verse 20 or 21.

Would you like to bet on it?

Not money, just a nice sociable bet.

Isaiah?

Isaiah.

I imagine there's only one thing that's been in as many hotel rooms

as I have, the Gideon bible. Never tangle with me on the good book.

I must've read it through at least a dozen times.

-If that didn't help...

-Who says it wasn't?

Once I found a three-horse parlay -

Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego.

Mr Masterson, why did you come in here?

I told you, I'm an unhappy sinner.

-Excuse me, but you're a liar.

-Excuse me, but lying is not my sin.

I'm not interested in a 1.00 gold watch.

We'll lay it on the line. We'll deal the hand open.

-Could you say that in English?

-Sergeant, I'm sure you've earned

your stripes courageously in active combat against the devil.

-There's no need to be sarcastic.

-But not on this particular battlefield

against the devil's first-line troops.

Because you can't get at the enemy. Sergeant,

-this mission is laying an egg.

-You have no way of knowing that.

I've got lots of ways of knowing.

You are stuck with a storeful of repentance and no customers.

Without sinners, what is repentance? It doesn't exist.

So you're stuck with a storeful of nothing.

-Now, do I give you fair rundown?

-I wouldn't know.

-I've never had a rundown.

-Would you be open to a proposition?

I've had those. No.

Don't flatter yourself. I'm talking business.

I'm in a position to supply you

with the raw material you need for your work, namely sinners.

-How?

-That's my work.

When is this big midnight meeting?

Thursday, day after tomorrow.

I guarantee to supply that meeting

with at least one dozen genuine sinners.

Whether they repent is up to you.

Thank you. That seems to be a fair rundown.

Now, if you will excuse me.

Just a minute, sister Sarah.

This is not charity contribution I'm making. This is a business

transaction. Something you want for something I want.

And what is that?

Have dinner with me tomorrow night.

Why should that be something you want?

Maybe because I think I'll be hungry tomorrow night.

-Keep this. My marker.

-Your what?

My IOU for at least one dozen genuine sinners

delivered as described.

-I'll pick you up tomorrow at noon.

-At noon for dinner?

It takes time to get to the El Cafe Cabano.

-El cafe Cabano. Where's that?

-Havana.

-Havana, Cuba?

-What other Havanas are there?

You're taking me to dinner in Havana, Cuba?

They eat in Cuba, same as we do.

What do you take me for, a... a chump?

-Ah-ah! Isaiah's on the back.

-You get out of here!

What are they worth to you?

At least one dozen genuine sinners ready for salvation.

What are they worth to you, a chicken salad in a tearoom?

One last word, sergeant.

I don't want you walking out of here thinking the reason you're upset

is because some black-hearted sinner made improper advances...

It's none of your business.

..to a virtuous young lady with a shining white soul.

Any sinful thoughts present in this room come out of you, doll, not me.

You're quite right. I'm nothing but a repressed, neurotic girl.

I've read two whole books on the subject. Abnormally attracted to sin

and therefore, abnormally afraid of it.

You're not the first to try that approach.

I'm happy to know that I am not the first man

to ever try to approach you at all.

You're not even close.

I imagine by now you've succeeded in blocking all possible approaches,

-haven't you?

-Except for a few you wouldn't know about I'm afraid.

Well, of course, I only know the ones on the outskirts of society.

What are the approaches like on the inskirts?

All paved with honourable intentions?

-I wonder what he'll be like.

-Who?

That upright, downright, forthright square with his close-shaved chin up

who, right now somewhere, is marching along the proper approach

to proper you. What'll he be like?

He will not be a gambler.

I know better than you what he won't be. But what will he be?

-How will you know when he gets to you?

-Don't worry, I'll know.

# For I've imagined every bit of him

# From his strong moral fibre

# To the wisdom in his head

# To the homey aroma of his pipe

# You have wished yourself A small-town Galahad

# The breakfast-eating four-button type

# And I shall meet him When the time is ripe

# I'll know

# When my love comes along

# I won't

# Take a chance

# For, oh

# He'll be just what I need

# Not some fly-by-night Broadway romance

# And you'll know at a glance By the two pair of pants

# I'll know

# By his calm, steady voice

# Those feet on the ground

# I'll know

# As I run to his arms

# That at last I've come home

# Safe and sound

# Until then I shall wait

# Until then I'll be strong

# For I'll know

# When my love

# Comes along

# Mine will come As a surprise to me

# Mine I leave to chance And chemistry. #

Chemistry?

Yeah, chemistry.

# Suddenly I'll know

# When my love comes along

# I'll know Then and there

# I'll know

# At the sight of her face

# How I care, how I care How I care

# And I'll stop And I'll stare

# And I'll know

# Long before we can speak I'll know

# In my heart I'll know

# And I won't ever ask Am I right?

# Am I wise? Am I smart?

# But I'll stop And I'll stare

# At that face In the throng

# Yes, I'll know

# When my love

# Comes along. #

Mm-hmm. Well, that makes it necessary for me to drop back again.

Matthew 5:39. Don't bother looking it up.

It's the bit about the other cheek.

I know, Joey,

but the 1,000 bucks is guaranteed.

What? It's a bet I cannot lose.

I bet Sky Masterson

he could not take a certain doll to Havana.

Not this doll. Not this doll.

Now the grand finale of our round-the-world revue.

The Hotbox takes you out to the alley

with Miss Adelaide and her Alley Kittens.

Meow!

Meow!

Meow!

-CORKS POP

-Meow!

-ALL:

-Hello!

-ALL:

-Prrr!

-ALL:

-Prrr!

-ALL:

-Ohh!

# One meow, two meow three meow, scat

# What's the initial of my pet tomcat?

# Is it A-B-C-D-E-F-G?

# Is it H or J or L-M-N-O-P?

# Is it L-M-N-O-P-Q-R-S-T?

# No, it's U You're the cat for me! #

-ALL:

-Meow!

-ALL:

-Meow!

-ALL:

-Uh-uh.

# You know you've been mean to me

# And you know when you're mean to me

# How it always makes me wanna roam

# And you know there's a danger

# That some gentle stranger

# Might pick me up

# And make me feel at home

# So pet me, papa papa, pet me nice

# Meow Meow

# Ooh, pet me, papa Papa, melt the ice

# And you know how

# If you don't want me out roamin' the city

# Talk to me pretty Here, kitty kitty

# And pet me, papa Papa, pet me nice

# Ooh, pet me, papa Papa, pet me good

# Meow Meow

# Pet me, papa Proper, like you should

# And you know how

# If you care to keep me Home by the fire

# 'Specially when it's time to retire

# Then pet me, papa Papa, pet me good

# Warm up my saucer of milk And maybe I'll purr

# Lay out my cushion of silk Don't rumple my fur. #

THEY HISS

# Just reach over and

# Pet me, papa Papa, melt the ice

# If you don't want me out roamin' the city

# Talk to me pretty Here, kitty kitty

# And pet me, papa That's my good advice

# Pet me, papa Meow

# Pet me, papa Rrruff!

# Pet me, papa Papa, pet me...

# That'll get me!

# Pet me, papa Papa, pet me nice! #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Look, Joey, I gotta hang up. Can I at least tell the guys that the

game will be at your garage tomorrow night?

Joey, I would gladly pay you in advance,

but I will not get the money until tomorrow.

I got to have time to spread the word around.

Joey, listen to...

Yes, Joey.

Yes, Joey.

Drop dead, Joey.

Yes, Joey.

Oh, Nathan, darling.

You got here early. It's so thrilling

to find you waiting for me

just like we were married and I was coming home from work.

You wouldn't make me stop working, would you?

That would be cruel.

A doll like you could earn good money

for another ten years, easy.

Sweet. And you were reading my book, too.

See? I told you reading don't make people go blind.

-It's very interesting, isn't it?

-What is?

Oh, the book. Yeah.

The doctor gave it to me.

He thought it might help me get rid of my cold.

With a book?

The doctor thinks my cold

might possibly be caused by psychology.

Ah... How does he know you got psychology?

Nathan, everybody has got it. And female psychology explains

why certain girls do certain kinds of things.

It's all in the book.

Must be some book.

Uh... would it tell you

what kind of a doll would go for a guy

which you wouldn't think she would do so?

Nathan, no matter how terrible a fella seems,

you can never be sure that some girl won't go for him.

Take us.

Get dressed. We'll go eat.

Uh... starting next week, Nathan, I will be getting a raise in salary.

Where does it say what different dolls will do?

-You're not even listening to me! Ah-choo!

-Gesundheit.

I'll be making enough for us to finally get married.

What do you think?

Hmm? Oh, of course we'll get married...

sooner or later.

Nathan, after 14 years, it is already too late to be sooner,

and if it gets much later, soon, it will be too late even to be later.

-Ah-choo!

-Gesundheit.

Besides, Nathan, I don't know what to do about mother.

Mother? What about your mother?

Nathan, this is something that I haven't told you before,

but my mother, back in Rhode island,

she thinks that...that we are already married.

How could she think such a thing?

Maybe because I wrote her that we were already married.

That would make her think so.

Nathan, in Rhode island, people do not remain engaged for 14 years.

They get married.

So how come it's such a small state?

Furthermore, after about two years...

after about two years, we...

-We got a divorce?

-We had a baby.

You wrote your mother we had a baby?

I had to, Nathan. Mother kept after me,

and finally I just ran out of excuses.

-And what type baby was it?

-It was a boy.

-I named it after you, Nathan.

-Thank you.

-You're welcome.

And tell me, what has Nathan Jr been doing all these years?

Well, right now he's in boarding school.

I wrote mother that he won the football game last Saturday.

I wish I had a bet on it.

But, Nathan, that...

..that isn't all.

Don't tell me we also have got an Adelaide Jr?

All these years, Nathan. Mother believes in big families,

and we had such an early start.

Just give me the grand total.

-Five.

-Adelaide!

How could you do such a thing

to a nice old broad like your mother?

Nathan, darling, let's just us get married,

and then I'll handle everything else. OK?

OK, doll. When we're ready.

Nathan, we're ready now. We've been ready for 14 years.

All we need now is a license and a blood test.

Blood test? Don't worry, Nathan. You've got blood.

What a city.

First they close my crap game, then they open my veins.

Nathan, you gave up the crap game.

Of course I did, doll. And you know why? For you.

Because I love you.

Can I borrow some earrings?

It is customary, Laverne,

to knock when entering the private dressing room

of an engaged person.

As far as I'm concerned, you are in here by yourself.

May I borrow some earrings?

-Diamonds or pearls?

-Diamonds.

In the top drawer of the trunk. The big box.

Aren't they a little long, dear?

Remember, you've got a short neck.

He's a tall man.

You! I'm all dated up with society max tomorrow night,

and he breaks it, on account of your silly crap game!

Adelaide, look at me. I'm on my knees!

Oh, get up.

It reminds me of your crap game.

-Adelaide, doll!

-Ah-choo!

-You're getting upset about nothing.

-Ah-choo!

-I set it up a long time ago.

-Ah-choo!

-Understand?

-Ah-choo!

Look, we love each other. We're going to get married.

We'll be happy.

Get out of my life, Nathan Detroit!

-I knew you'd understand.

-Ah-choo!

-Gesundheit.

It says here...

# The average unmarried female

# Basically insecure

# Due to some long frustration

# May react

# With psychosomatic symptoms

# Difficult to endure

# Affecting the upper respiratory tract

# In other words

# Just from waitin' around

# For that plain little band of gold

# A person Could develop a cold

# You could spray her wherever You figure the streptococci lurk

# You can give her a shot For whatever she's got

# But it just won't work

# If she's tired of gettin' that fish-eye

# From the hotel clerk

# A person

# Can develop a cold. #

It says here...

# The female remaining single

# Constantly in suspense

# Shows a neurotic tendency

# See note. #

See note? Note.

# Chronic organic syndromes

# Toxic or hypertense

# Involving the eye, the ear The nose and throat

# In other words Just from wonderin' whether

# The wedding is on or off

# A person Can develop a cough

# You can feed her all day With the vitamin A

# And the bromo fizz

# But the medicine never gets anywhere near

# Where the trouble is

# If she's gettin' a kind Of a name for herself

# And the name ain't his

# A person Can develop a cough

# And furthermore just from stalling And stalling and stalling

# The wedding trip A person

# Can develop la grippe

# When they get on the train

# For Niagara

# And she can hear church bells chime

# The compartment is air conditioned

# And the mood sublime

# Then they get off at Yonkers racetrack

# For the 14th time

# A person Can develop la grippe

# La grippe La postnasal drip

# With the wheezes And the sneezes

# And a sinus that's really A pip... #

Ah-choo!

# From a lack of community property

# And a feeling she's getting too old

# A person

# Can develop a bad, bad

# Cold! #

# Follow the fold

# And stray no more

# Stray no more

# Stray no more

# Put down the bottle

# And we'll say no more

# Follow. #

Nathan, if you'd arrived one minute earlier,

you would've witnessed Miss Sarah give Sky Masterson a 100% brush-off.

So the 1,000 for Joey Biltmore is practically in your pocket.

-You should be jumping for joy.

-I'm jumping.

You got work to do, arrangements to make.

A shave and a hot towel will fix you up.

For who should I have a shave? For who should I have a hot towel?

Do you know what is at stake here?

Nathan Detroit's crap game, because of a doll.

I cannot believe that a businessman like you

could let himself go and fall in love with his own fiancee.

All right! So Adelaide's my weakness.

Can you not be tolerant of my weakness,

especially since it's the sad condition

guys are in all over the world? Look.

# What's playin' at the Roxy?

# I'll tell you what's playin' at the Roxy

# It's a picture about a Minnesota man

# So in love with a Mississippi girl That he sacrifices everything

# And moves all the way to Biloxi

# That's what's playing at the Roxy

# What's in the Daily News?

# I'll tell you what's in the Daily News

# Story about a guy Who bought his wife a small ruby

# With what otherwise would have been his union dues

# That's what's in the Daily News

# What's happenin' all over?

# I'll tell you what's happenin' all over

# Guy sittin' home by a television set

# Who used to be something of a rover

# That's what's happenin' all over

ALL: # Love is a thing that has licked 'em

# And it looks like I'm just another victim. #

Yes, sir.

# When you see a guy Reach for stars in the sky

# You can bet That he's doin' it for some doll

# When you spot a John Waitin' out in the rain

# Chances are he's insane As only a John can be for a Jane

# When you meet a gent Payin' all kinds of rent

# For a flat that could flatten The Taj Mahal

# Call it sad, call it funny But it's better than even money

# That the guy's only doin' it for some doll

# When you see a Joe Savin' half of his dough

# You can bet

# There'll be mink in it For some doll

# When a bum buys wine Like a bum can't afford

All: # It's a cinch that the bum Is under the thumb

# Of some little broad

# When you meet a mug Lately out of the jug

# And he's still liftin' platinum folderol

ALL: # Call it hell, call it heaven It's a probable 12-to-seven

# That the guy's only doin' it for some doll

# When you see a sport And his cash has run short

# You can bet

# He's been blowin' it on some doll

# When a guy wears tails With the front gleaming white

# Who the heck do you think

# He's ticklin' pink on Saturday night

# When some lazy slob Gets a good steady job

# And he smells from Vitalis and Barbasol

ALL: # Call it dumb, call it clever Ah, but you can give odds forever

# That the guy's only doin' it for some doll

# Some doll, some doll

# The guy's only doin' it for some doll! #

Well, I think we finally managed to shake off the prince of darkness.

You certainly did your best to discourage him.

I certainly did.

-Arvide.

-General Cartwright, what a pleasant surprise.

We didn't even know you were in town.

Flew in from Boston early this morning.

Important luncheon meeting.

While waiting, thought I'd check our outposts.

I must say, I was surprised to find the mission unattended

in a neighbourhood as unsavoury as this.

Why should you be surprised, general?

You've seen our records.

We can't get anyone in here even to rob us.

Yes. Well, now that you've brought it up,

I must confess I've come for a purpose...

an unhappy one, I'm afraid.

I know it doesn't look as if we're accomplishing anything,

-but in time...

-Time is what we can no longer afford.

My good friends, after careful deliberation,

national headquarters has decided

to close this branch of the mission.

-Close the mission?

-No, general, please.

Even if I haven't made it a success, someone will.

Sarah, if you can't attract sinners, nobody can.

There are so many calls on us, dear,

other places where our work's needed.

KNOCK ON DOOR

How do you do? I don't believe we've met,

Brother...?

Brother Sky Masterson, former sinner.

I'm general Cartwright, regional director.

Why isn't his name on the progress report?

-What were you doing in there?

-I was resting, sister Sarah.

I was going to ask brother Arvide

if he might let me carry the drum this afternoon when we go out

again this afternoon. General, on behalf of future former sinners,

I protest the closing of this mission.

General, I should explain...

Sarah, this man has a right to be heard. Continue, brother Sky.

General, would you be open to a proposition?

The General is flying back to Boston this afternoon.

She will not be available for dinner tonight.

Sarah, what are you talking about?

What have you got in mind, young man?

Faith in Sister Sarah.

I ask you to give her 36 hours to prove

that she can make this mission pay off.

Savings souls shouldn't be referred to as "paying off."

-Why 36 hours?

-Because he knows our big meeting in 36 hours

-will be a great success.

-Uncle Arvide.

How can you guarantee that, Brother Sky?

Well, let's just say I have a feeling about it.

"If sinners entice thee, consent thou not."

That's the wrong thought.

Where is yesterday's thought for the day?

Top right-hand drawer.

Excuse me, General.

Before going to the expense of a big meeting,

we'd require more than just a feeling that it will be successful.

Oh, it's a very strong feeling, General.

Ah. "There is no peace to the wicked." Isaiah 57:21.

That is correct.

General, my proposition is this -

why don't you come to tomorrow's midnight meeting

and find out for yourself?

Well, if I thought there was a chance of finding definite progress,

any sizable turnout...

What do you think, Sister Sarah?

Don't you honestly believe that this mission could be saved

within the next 36 hours?

General Cartwright.

I am in a position to guarantee you personally

at least one dozen genuine sinners.

-Hallelujah!

-Hallelujah!

Halle...

lujah.

Be sure you're wearing your carnation.

Remember, nobody gets in the crap game

without they got a red carnation.

It's like a password. Nathan's orders.

-We got the flowers.

-Where is the action?

Once Nathan arrives, we're...

He has arrived. Is it all set?

Can I tell the customers it's Joey Biltmore...

Not till I put the 1,000 in Joey's hand. I haven't got it yet.

I sent Nicely to wait for Sky at his hotel.

The minute Sky gives him the money, Nicely's going to bring it to me.

But they won't stick around much longer. They're getting nervous.

I'm not nervous?

Well, Harry the Horse. How's everything in Brooklyn? The same?

I hope you will not spoil our evening, Inasmuch as I

happen to be entertaining a very prominent guest tonight.

I would like you to meet Big Jule from Chicago.

I would like you to meet Big Jule from Chicago.

Big Jule, welcome to our fair city,

in which, as you know, the heat is on.

However, if you will be patient, you will be provided with action.

What do you say, Big Jule, should we stick around or blow?

I come here to shoot crap. Let's shoot crap.

-Order another milkshake and relax.

-Nathan.

Do not let the fact that Big Jule drinks milk give you wrong ideas.

Big Jule does not like to be displeased.

Why, Harry, did I give the impression

that I was being rude to a guest who has

such a well-deserved reputation as Big Jule?

Big Jule, I'm sure

that you did not misunderstand my kidding remarks.

It's just that one look at your kindly face,

which is so full of fun, good fellowship...

Could I have a swallow of your milk?

Well, well, well...

what have we here?

The jails must be empty tonight.

Can anybody be missing?

Harry the Horse, Liver Lips Louie,

Angie the Ox,

Society Max...

And here's a face for which I cannot supply a name.

May I ask where you come from?

-East Cicero, Illinois.

-And what is your occupation there?

I'm a scoutmaster.

Don't ever help my mother across the street.

Such lovely red carnations.

Is it a funeral?

Did somebody die suddenly that I don't know about yet?

What's on, Nathan?

What brings these senior delinquents together?

They got lonely. How do I know?

And why are they all wearing red carnations?

-They're also all wearing pants.

-You're up to no good, Detroit!

Is it now a crime to wear flowers?

Is Mindy's suddenly a hideout for gangsters?

Lieutenant, I'll confess.

We're smuggling hot cheesecake into Canada.

This is all I need. It's complete.

Everybody in the whole world who hates me

is now here.

What's the use, Nathan? Why try to keep it a secret?

-Bite your tongue, Benny!

-OK, Southstreet, let's have it.

-What's this all about?

-It's A... it's a party, lieutenant.

-What kind of party?

-A bachelor dinner for Nathan Detroit.

He's getting married.

# For he's a jolly good fellow

ALL: # For he's a jolly good fellow

# For he's a jolly good fellow

-BIG JULE:

-# Which nobody cannot deny! #

Ooh! Oh, Nathan, darling, I'm so thrilled.

Why didn't you tell me?

Well, it was going to be a surprise wedding.

You certainly had me fooled, Detroit.

When is the happy occasion?

It's going to take time to get the blood test and the license.

Gee, wouldn't it be wonderful if we could get married tomorrow night?

I mean, right after the opening of the new show at the hotbox.

Adelaide, according to the laws under which we live,

it's going to take a little time.

-You could elope.

-You are telling me to violate the law?

It's legal to elope at your age.

And great state of Maryland will marry you right away. No blood test.

Ain't that unhealthy?

Nathan, the lieutenant has a romantic suggestion

of which I approve. Elope. And for the trip,

I will loan you my getaway car.

That is, my station wagon.

Oh, Nathan, darling, let's do it. Please?

OK. Deal me in.

-Speech, Nathan.

-Speech.

-Give us a speech.

ALL: Speech! Speech!

# Unaccustomed as I am to getting married

# I am taking this occasion here to say

# That me

# And Adelaide

# Are finally

# Naming the day

# Though she knows deep in her heart

# I'm a phony, and I'm a fake She wants five children to start

# Five's a difficult point to make

# But

# Adelaide Adelaide

# Ever-lovin' Adelaide

# Is takin' a chance on me

# Takin' a chance I'll be respectable and nice

# Give up cards and dice And go for shoes and rice

# So, gentlemen Deal me out

# Do not try to feel me out I got no more evenings free

# Since Adelaide Adelaide

# Ever-lovin' Adelaide Is takin' a chance

# Talk about your long shots

# Takin' a chance on me. #

Well, my congratulations, too, and I certainly hope

there's nothing in heredity.

It might seem unimportant on the night before your wedding,

but your blintzes are getting cold.

Who cares? As long as Nathan stays hot.

Don't forget to bring my purse to the Hotbox.

Darling, I'm so excited.

I don't even want to go back to work.

I've got so much to do before tomorrow night.

What about my mother? I've got to write her.

-What'll I say?

-Send a telegram. Date it back 14 years.

# Adelaide

# Adelaide

ALL: # Ever-lovin' Adelaide

# Is takin' a chance on me

# Takin' a chance

-# I'll be respectable and nice

-Give up the cards and dice

# And go for shoes and rice

# So, gentlemen, deal me out Do not try to feel me out

ALL: # You got no more evenings free. #

You may scratch me...

# Since Adelaide

# Adelaide

# Ever-lovin' Adelaide

# Is takin' a chance

# Talk about your long shots

# Takin' a chance

# On me. #

Nathan, you are indeed a most lucky fella.

She is a most beautiful doll indeed.

Do you agree, big Jule?

Tell me - how long do you know the doll?

-14 years.

-Let's shoot crap.

-Nathan.

-You got the money?

Sky wasn't at the hotel or the mission?

I'm trying to tell you.

-He must be with the mission band.

-Nathan, wait!

MISSION BAND PLAYS

SINGING IN SPANISH

"This church is for the most part Spanish baroque,

"built of native limestone.

"The original church was built on this site in 1674

"and reconstructed between 1704 and 1724."

It's almost impossible to believe.

Well, that's not very old for a church. Long before 1674,

-there were missionaries...

-What does it say about the moonlight?

The moonlight?

-Mm-hmm.

-It's very bright, isn't it?

So bright you're reading your guidebook by it.

Now that you mention it.

What does it say about the music?

-The music?

-Mm-hmm.

It's a lovely tune.

Let me read out of Sky Masterson's guidebook about you.

You could be locked away in a room

with no sun, no moon, no laughter, no music, no love,

and you wouldn't care.

You could still be a missionary.

"The cobblestones in this plaza

"are approximately four centuries old.

"They are the very cobblestones that were put down

by the Spanish colonists in 1519."

Buenas tardes. Que van a tomar?

What's your pleasure?

Oh, drinking.

What's your pleasure?

-Milk, please.

-Don't make a spectacle of yourself.

-Milk.

You're a United States citizen in a foreign country.

Have you no pride in what the world thinks about Americans?

Milk.

Milk.

-Dulce de leche. Dos.

-Leche dulce, dos. Si, senor.

What did you order?

Dulce de leche. Dulce is Spanish for sweet.

-De means of. Leche means milk.

-Sweet of milk.

Don't they serve it plain?

Only in the mornings. It has to do with the heat.

At night, they put a kind of a preservative in it.

That's interesting. What do they use?

-Bacardi.

-Bacardi?

-Mm-hmm.

Doesn't that have alcohol in it?

Just enough to keep the milk from turning sour.

That's the same song we heard

being played near the church, isn't it?

Playing the tambourine has developed in you an ear for music.

Mr Masterson, you think I'm an awful prude, don't you?

-Are you?

-Well, I wonder sometimes.

For instance, supposing I wasn't in mission work...

Mm-hmm.

Mmm. This is a tasty milkshake.

Do you mind if I have another?

Supposing I was just any girl,

do you think just any girl would be a prude if she refused to go to

Havana with a man she'd never met before?

Oh, I suppose not.

Would you like to try some of my milkshake

while you're waiting for the next one? I haven't even touched it.

Oh, just a sip.