Romance and Cigarettes

This film contains very strong language.

When a woman bends over,

a man sees a jelly doughnut.

Her brain expands, his explodes...

dead on arrival in her powdered jelly doughnut.

SNORING

SNORING GETS LOUDER

Dad?

Daddy?

HE SCREAMS

# I can remember when

# We walked together

# Sharing a love I thought

# Would last forever

# Moonlight to show the way

# So we can follow

# Waiting inside her eyes

# Was my tomorrow

# Then something changed her mind

# Her kisses told me

# I had no loving arms

# To hold me

# Every day I wake up Then I start to break up

# Lonely is a man without love

# Every day I start out Then I cry my heart out

# Lonely is a man without love

# Every day I wake up Then I start to break up

# Knowing that it's cloudy above

# Every day I start out Then I cry my heart out

# Lonely is a man without love

# I cannot face this world

# That's falling down on me

# So if you see my girl

# Please send her home to me

# Tell her about my heart... #

-ELECTRIC GUITAR IS PLUCKED

-One, two, one, two. OK?

We are not beautiful We are not ugly

We are ANGRY!

BAND STARTS PLAYING

Hey, honey! I'm home!

I bought you some cookies.

They're doughnuts.

What's the matter?

Somebody die?

"If God's gift of grace or the light on your face

"could make me forget...

"your vagina is wet..."

-Let me see that!

-"To Tula, my Tula, my red flower of love."

What are you, a private dick?

How different could it be, huh?

It's just a hole.

You can't incriminate a man over some words!

-What do you think you're going to find there - peanuts?

-It's poetry!

Po... Oh, it's poetry!

Well, I'm going to give you some fucking poetry!

Pink motels, white thighs, deep fried, shake it, bake it, rotate it.

Swollen heads, busted beds, empty lots...

You just made that up?

I'm deep.

A man is innocent till proven guilty.

-I'm going to lop your power helmet right off.

-Oh, you're going to threaten me now?

You are a master, you are a master. I smoked your ass out, you two-faced...!

I am not a whore master, my brother's did a whore master, not me!

-..Filthy little moustache!

-I am not a whore master!

Preening in the mirror like Maria Callas.

"Put the cologne all over my back, sweetie!" I cooked you chicken!

Fish! No butter. Low-cal this, low-cal that!

I trim your nose hairs, you fuck!

-I swear on my father's grave, OK?

-Oh, another whore master!

-What's going on, Mom?

-Oh, your father went on a beaver diet!

-This is not normal!

-Only a giant among idiots would marry you!

-It's all in your head!

-WHAT!

-What's in her head?

-He's shitting out of the cup!

-Will you listen to her?!

-It's nachos, piece of onion lip!

You shut up! It's between your mother and me!

Break it off! It's not fucking nice!

It's not fucking nice!

-Even Go-Go hated you!

-Who's Go-Go?

I don't like animals.

I don't like cats, I don't like dogs, I don't like birds, I don't like fish.

I'm like my mother, I don't like animals!

-Who is Go-Go?

-Mommy's cat.

Every day you'll wake up alone.

You don't even like me any more, do you?

I HATE YOU WITH ALL THE HATE THAT YOU CAN HATE WITH!

Do you hear that?

Do you hear what your mother said to me?

-Can you hate more than that?

-If you can, then I hate you more than that!

THEN GO BACK TO HIM!

GO BACK TO YOUR FIRST LOVE!

GO BACK TO HIM! GO!!

I can remember when we walked together...

..sharing a love I thought would last forever.

I'd give anything if you'd come back to me.

Anything.

# I cannot face this world

# That's fallen down on me

# So if you see my girl Please send her back to me

# Tell her about my heart

# That's slowly dy-ing

# Say I can't stop my-self

# From crying

# Every day I wake up, then I start to break up

# Lonely is a man without love

# Every day I start out Then I cry my heart out

# Lonely is a man without love

# Every day I wake up Then I start to break up

# Knowing that it's cloudy above

# Every day I start out Then I cry my heart out

# Lonely is a man without love

# Every day I wake up Then I start to break up

# Knowing that it's cloudy above

# Every day I start out Then I cry my heart out

# Lonely is a man without love.

# Every day I wake up Then I start to break up

# Lonely is a man without love

# Every day I start out Then I cry my heart out

# Lonely is a ma-a-an

# With-out

# Lo-o-o-ve. #

SAXAPHONE PLAYS MELODY OF THE SONG

SIREN WAILS

What's the problem?

< I'm a married man.

A domestic disturbance was reported, sir.

-Yeah, that's the problem.

-Name, sir?

Nick Murder.

-You ever been married?

-More than once, sir.

-Yeah?

What went wrong?

Everything, sir.

And now, once again. Third wife, sir.

Oh, no no, one wife! That's all a man's meant to have. One wife! It's enough!

Yes, sir.

What's with all the "sir" shit?

Military habit, sir.

Oh, yeah? What branch?

101st Airborne, sir.

Navy! SOUND OFF!

RIGHT, SIT BACK, SIT DIRTY OLD TWERP, 69 ASSHOLE TIED IN A KNOT,

HE BITE, SUCK, FUCK, NIBBLE, GOBBLE, CHEW, I'M A FUCKING PARATROOPER...

WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU... SIR?

DOGS BARK

Marriage is combat, son.

-Yes, sir.

-And not clean combat.

-No, sir.

-She's got her territory and I got mine.

She's got her army back in there, I'm out here alone.

There's no prayer in that animal.

-He's a selfish man.

-Something should be done about him.

Drink some water.

I live in fear when he's around.

I love you, Ma.

I love you so much, I love you so much with all my heart and soul.

I love you more than my real ma.

-I mean, I love her too, but I can't remember her, so...

-Come on.

I love her but she doesn't spend any time with me any more.

-She's changed.

-I know.

He's going to come back, Ma.

Come on, we're all going to give her some space, come here.

-Come here.

-What do they mean?

"Go back to him". Go back to who?

There was someone else in my life a long time ago...

..a gentle man.

You were married to him?

Before the war.

He went off to fight, far away.

I met your father then.

I saw her come out of the loo at her crazy sister's apartment, head full of wet hair

and wearing this soft cream coloured terry cloth robe, so I asked her, "I need to borrow a piece of luggage."

You shacking up?

Hey, nothing wrong with sex.

You have big ones, buster!

Yeah, dinosaur balls.

I'm from Brooklyn, boys don't talk to girls like that in Brooklyn.

I felt a sharp pain,

like death.

A girl with the kind eyes, I says...

that's the girl... the girl I will marry.

SHE COUGHS

Ow! You rat bastard. >

I know you're in there. >

Where are you?

Lost in the void.

HELP ME!

SOMEBODY HELP ME!

God had to give me cataracts!

AARGH!

ONE DAY YOU'LL BE BLIND LIKE ME, IN THE DARK FOREVER, LIKE ME!

All of a sudden, I don't know light.

Once...

..you were mine.

Let me feel the pillows upon which this house rests.

WHIP CRACKS

Oh, Lord God, remember me, I pray thee,

and strengthen me, I pray thee, only this once, oh, God,

that I may revenge myself upon the Philistines for one of my two eyes!

Hey, I'm coming up!

Whey! Man!

I'm not the type of guy who goes up to a woman,

says, "You want to go out with me?" and takes his dick out.

That's not my style, I'm no beast!

What?

I'd like to fuck a woman tennis player,

with the outfit on, a tennis ball stuck in her panties.

And I heard Tony Curtis almost lost his sex life.

Back in '44, he was on a navy sub,

a winch falls off, hits him in the base of the spine, right?

Tony was paralysed, he was laying there, he was praying,

Tony started praying that his private parts would not be dead.

About a week later,

he starts to feel a tingling...

Tony fucking Curtis!

-What am I going to do?

-Oh, you got it bad, Nick!

I told you... I warned you...

chicks smell a boner ten miles away.

I'd be better off a fag.

Those guys are in shape, Randolph Scott was a fag.

Not Randolph Scott?

-Yeah, him and Cary Grant.

-Get out of here, not in a million years!

The list is long! There's a lot of great fags.

I'm coming up. All right?

She's a redhead.

-Au naturel?

-The whole mcgilla.

It's rare, they feel more, it's scientifically proven.

-What?

-You take a natural red versus a brunette, right?...

and you prod 'em both with a jolt of electric shock, mild...

the carrot top's going to need 20% more anaesthesia.

-To numb the pain?

-Pain, pleasure...

it's all nerve-related! The point is, they feel more!

Nice as she is, red as her bush is, fuckable as she is,

you've got to put the fire out, my friend, attend to it.

Stamp out that Benson and Hedges bitch once and for all.

LATIN MUSIC PLAYS

All right, you bitch in heat, you're going down.

Come down from there right now!

Oh, my God, she's hot!

But you don't, you get them when you really need them.

I might, sometimes I need to have someone in the house.

Choose one that you're going to keep and put the others back.

All right, one card, I'm going to get a card, I'm going to choose one.

-Go ahead.

-How the hell are you?

-Grace!

-Wha's the matter?

-I had diarrohea yesterday, Grace... I was in the bathroom and... Bad.

You've been wronged. I feel it.

You don't have to tell me anything.

-I've never met one man who was faithful.

-You've only been with one man, Grace.

-Till death do us part.

Did you ever feel you wanted to squeeze a kitten till the head pops off?

-Right, put this back. Let's hear.

-He was a beautiful man, my Chester.

Real southern gentleman, quiet,

dark, graceful...

I still love him with every fibre!

That was 20 years ago, Grace.

Look, don't touch! DON'T TOUCH!!

You want to buy it or not? You buy.

-I don't want to buy it...

-It's good, this ones is good.

You can look as much as you want.

-He's the only man I've ever loved!

-He thought you were shoplifting, Ma.

-DON'T TOUCH!

-Tell him to stick them up his ass.

-Want me to say that?

-I'm too weak to break the chains!

-I don't feel so good. I'm up and down.

He's been married four times, four times since he left you.

Mickey Rooney was married eight times!

I don't care, I love Chester!

What a woman thinks she's doing doesn't count for anything, Grace.

Oh, Katie.

OK, OK... that's enough now!

That's enough! That's enough! When I see somebody hugging, it's make me sick! I feel lonely, so lonely!

Don't make me cry, please go out!

PIANO CHORDS PLAY

GIRL SINGS OUT OF TUNE

-Bobby, where's Mommy?

-Out.

Where?

I'm not supposed to say nothing, she told me not to tell you.

Church, she went to church.

She went to church?

Went to see God, eh?

God's everywhere, I don't need to go to church to see him.

Hey, right, Dad, God is everywhere.

Right, I'm hungry, let's eat. What's for dinner?

We ate already.

You ate?

Pork chops.

Without me? Your father?

Mommy didn't cook for you.

-I had three pork chops.

-Your mother's lighting candles and a man's starving?

-And apple sauce.

-I paid for those pork chops!

Pappa wants pork chops.

Medium rare.

Momma aint...

-Momma aint cooking, basting, flapping... Pork chops!

-Pork chops!

-Lamb chops!

-Lamb chops!

-THEY RAP

-Barometer.

-Barometer.

Stuck his meat thermometer into her barometer!

-Eat out! Gonna take out!

-Gonna take out! Eat out!

Take ow!

BELL TOLLS

CHOIR SINGS IN DISTANCE

SINGING GETS LOUDER

# Now my heart does rejoice

# When I hear his sweet voice

# And the tempest to him I do flee

# There to lean on his arm

# Safe, secure from harm

-# When he reaches down his hand for me

-For me

-# When my saviour reached down for me

-For me

-# When he reached down his hand for me

-For me

# I was lost and undone Without my God or his Son

# When he reached out his hand for me

# Fo-o-o-o-or

# M-e-e-e-e-e. #

What have we here?

Return of the prodigal daughter?

Come!

Come on in.

I'm never ever going to give you up.

Can't get enough of your love, babe.

I'm going to love you just a little bit more, baby.

I'll do for you anything you want me to.

Let the music play.

Your sweetness is my weakness.

You're the best kisser in the whole world.

I'm going to make out with your whole family, baby.

Do it! Do it!

# Didn't I make you feel

# Like you were the only man?

# Didn't I give you everything A woman possibly can?

-# Oh-woo

-But with all the love I give you

# It's never enough

# I wanna show you, baby That a woman can be tough

# So come on, come on,

# Come on, come on

# Take it, take another little piece of my heart now, baby

# Break it, break another little bit of my heart now, honey

# Have a, have another little piece of my heart now, baby

# You know you've got it if it makes you feel good. #

PHONE RINGS

-Hello, who's this?

-'Hey, baby, it's me.'

Oh...! Hello.

Did you make love last night?

Love? No.

So...you've lost an eye?

Oh, Nicky, I want you to put your finger up my asshole right now.

Tula!

-'My pussy is lonely, baby.'

-Yeah?

'Kiss it, nasty man. Come on.'

'..Suck it. Give me those balls that clang...

'Don't talk like that, will ya?'

Well, you know what, Nicky, I can't talk.

-Just getting fucked by a big, hard, young, circumcised cock.'

What are you talking about? Are you with somebody else?.

'You're not here! What do you want me to do, sit around and touch myself?'

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I do. I do.

Let me put the radio on, all right?

-'All right.'

-MUSIC PLAYS

All right, go ahead.

'So I put my arse in your face and move it up and down...'

-# Take it, take another little piece... #

-' ..up and down.

'Do you like it like it that way, do you? Rubbing my pussy.

Are you getting really hard? How is your foreskin? Is it still on is it?

Show me your beast big boy, yeah!

That's it, nasty man, you know what to do, you know all the tricks!

-# ..You know you got it Waa-aah!

-Waa-aah...! #

Waa-aah!

'Come on!

'I'm rubbing meself, really rubbing meself hard...'

HE URINATES

Ya-a-a-argh!

# If you're looking for trouble

# You came to the right place

# If you're looking for trouble

# Just look right in my face

# I was born standing up

# And talking back

# My daddy was a green-eyed mountain jack

# Because I'm evil... #

-Cousin Bo!

-What's the trouble kitten?

Breaking in a brand-new broken heart?

Lost that loving feeling?

Three cigarettes and an ashtray.

It's worse than any song could say.

If anyone could, The King would. I know, I know, the heart, been there.

-Nick's been shacking?

-Not now, Bo.

I'll lay him right off.

Boom! Like that.

No-one messes with my special K.

All right, baby.

Baby, you're the 50-ft woman!

You'd better not be getting hitched.

No, the dummy was just too short.

Here's looking at you, kid.

I got my teeth fixed.

Good for you, Bo.

-Are you circumcised?

-What?

Are you circumcised?

-Secularised?

-Circumcised!

My circulation is fine.

No, are you circumcised, you know?

Does a man's thing look better that way?

Is it more attractive to women?

I like to fuck a woman with a backside as big as the world.

Are you listening to me? I'm talking to you!

-Who wants to know?

-You cocksucker, you should have been a scientist.

It's cleaner, it's cleaner without the foreskin.

Those guys in pornos, John Leslie, nobody better.

Yes, I would say, yes.

Are you circumcised?

Hell, no - that shit hurts! If anybody cuts my dick, it better be for vengeance.

# One, two, three, uh...!

# Hot pants!

# Hey, hot pants Uh, oh, hot pants

# Hot pants

# Where it's at That's where it's at

# Give it to me, girl Looks better all the time... #

-Fucking love you! I SAID I LOVE YOU!

-# ..Blowin' my mind. #

We've got the address.

No last name. Find the love shack.

You've got a weapon?

Maybe we should stop, get something bigger.

I don't need something bigger.

'Do you have low testosterone? Do you have a decrease in libido?

'Do you have a decrease in strength and or endurance?

'Have you lost height?

'Are your erections less strong?

'Has your uncircumcised foreskin ever resulted in an adverse reaction from your partner?

'Does the shape of your glans cause you anxiety?

'Are you concerned about inadequate penile hygiene?

-'If you answered yes to question one...'

-Mr Murder, please.

'...or at least three of the questions, you may be a candidate for adult circumcision.'

I heard you with Fryburg. You were making loud noises!

You heard loud noises?

-Yeah, I wanna make them too. I told my psychiatrist.

-What?

I had nothing else to tell him, so...

-Hi!

-Fuck off, Fryburg.

-I'm going to fucking start.

Did he do his Richard Gere for you, jumping all around in his jock strap?

Richard Gere - he's hot!

-Hot chocolate!

-He's got an ass that yoddles.

Hey Teddy, Teddy Junior!

Stop it right there. Good God! Teddy!

Mum - Fryburg, Mum.

Fryburg, Fryburg!

Look, I know that you know that I know that you want me, Connie Lingus.

Don't talk to her like that, you animal!

Your father called.

-Oh?

-He wants to come to your sister's house for the holidays.

How am I going to face him?

Someday, somewhere, somehow

I am going to go up in one of those metal cans

and I am going to fly away,

far away.

-OK, this is the block.

-That redheaded skank is going down.

I got your back.

'Men! Blow smoke up your ass,'

make you pregnant, then go hunt for a new snapper.

# Who knows that I had to be?

# Why must I be alone?

# So why can I

# On my own

# So...

# ..Alone from night to night you find me... #

Is Tula here?

Does that bitch live here?

# Too weak to break the chains that bind me

# I need no shackles to remind me

# I'm just a prisoner of love

# No-one commands I stand and wait now

# The one who's master of my fate now

-# I can't escape

-For it's too late now

# I'm just a prisoner of love

# Just a prisoner

-# Oh, I'm just a prisoner

-of love

# What's the good of my caring If someone is sharing

# Those arms with me?

# He has another I can't have another

# Cos I'm, I'm not free

# He is in my dreams Awake and sleeping

# On my knees to her I'm creeping

# His very life, my very life Is in his keeping

# Oh, I'm just a prisoner of love... #

..Thongs, half bras, full bras, G-strings, push-up bras, teddies,

garter belts, crotchless panty hose...

Fuck bloomers - that's what I sell. To rich, tanned, bored housewives

who take fat from their arse cheeks and inject it into their lips.

If you're going to kiss someone's arse, you should know that's what you're kissing.

I think it's sexier than shagging, but you're sucking on chicken fat.

Not that their husbands mind. They're out buying homes, paintings, going to the fucking opera,

taking one up the bum for the queen while their missus are out sticking their fannies in my face.

"Does my bum look big in this? Can you see my cellulite?"

What they need, these women, is a good old-fashioned horse fuck.

They can buy new panties, but they get stained.

Stained panties are part of life.

I think you're dead sexy.

Not at first, then...

One day I looked up and I saw you working with your shirt off

and your gut out.

"That's a man," I said to myself, "a real man."

Someone to take me down the pub for a pint.

You're way too old for me, but I figure you only go round once in life.

I've got, what, 75 years, if I don't get hit by a bus.

I want to kiss you, big man.

I wanna give you a big sloppy wet kiss.

You won't tell anyone right?

Inch by inch...

the elephant fucked the ant.

FOGHORN BLOWS

EXOTIC MUSIC PLAYS

Ow! Ouch!

I am qualified to satisfy you!

Don't worry, kid, we will find the hole.

You've gotta think like Kojak - "Who loves you, baby?"

Smoke her redhead ass out, then we'll let the music play!

What am I doing? I don't know what I'm doing.

Who knows what anybody is doing?

Some people fear the Lord,

-I fear women.

-What really happened between you and Ro?

Ro?

It was my first love.

I traced her name in cow shit, she was my first,

my last, my everything.

Was is...

true, I mean, that you had...

What?

..um...trouble?

Only with Ro.

With other chicks,

I am Barry White.

I go to the meat market,

in-out like cost service,

I don't mean to be crude, but it's the truth.

Maybe I knew her too well, I don't know.

Is that why she left?

She met the Greek.

MUSIC PLAYS

Oh!

Come here!

Come on, baby. Oh!

# I saw the light on the night that I passed by her window... #

PANTING AND HEAVY BREATHING

# I saw the flickering shadows of love on her blinds

# She was my woman... #

Spank! Spank!

# As she deceived me I watched and went out of my mind... #

Why?

# My my my Delilah!

# Why why why, Delilah?

# I could see that girl was no good for me

# But I was lost like a slave that no man could free!

# At break of day when that man drove away I was waiting... #

The Greek!

# I crossed the street to her house and she opened the door... #

No!

# She stood their laughing... #

SHE LAUGHS

# I felt the knife in my hand she laughed no more

# My my my Delilah!

# Why why why, Delilah?

# So before they come to break down the door

# Forgive me, Delilah I just couldn't take any more... #

Ha! Ha-ha! Ha-ha!

Ho!

# So before they come to break down the door

# Forgive me, Delilah

# I just couldn't take any more! #

Bo?

-Ro?

-Bo?

Loser.

Oh!

# I know I guy who's tough and sweet

# He's so fine, he can't be beat

# He's got everything that I desire

# Sets the summer song on fire

# I want candy!

# I want candy!

Whoa, what is going on here?

What are you wearing? Oh, my God!

That's Mrs Lipshit's daughter's dress. What'll she say if she sees you?

That I look better than her daughter, Stacey, in it!

-Take it off.

-No.

-Right now! Take it off!

-It is wasted on her, I am not taking it off!

-Now!

They're engaged.

You two must think I am the cucumber in the gardener's ass.

-Your mother know about this, Chutty?

-Yes, Chutty, does your mother know?

Fryburg does as Fryburg pleases!

-Fryburg is a free man!

-I don't care if he calls himself Melvin, he is not marrying my daughter.

You are not going to come to my wedding? I'm coming.

-Your mother's not coming to the nuptials!

-Hold on.

-Want a hit?

If I died and was born again, no, I am not coming.

I'm your daughter, your baby daughter. I am in love, Mum.

Love in the vaguest word in the human vocabulary.

-My head is full of...

-It is terrible and beautiful.

-His lips fill my dreams. When I am away from him, my thoughts are of him.

-Senseless conversations.

Only him. He is my first love.

Well, anybody can be IN love.

I've read romances, in prose and verse,

in different languages, so I must be.

I must be in love. I love Fryburg, Mum!

When he rips your heart out and leaves a big hole, only then can you say, "I love him!"

Do you even love Dad?

I loved him, he pulled down the shade, now I hate him.

Why did you guys even get married then?

I...I was lonely.

He was handsome...

..wild, crazy eyes like an animal peering out of a forest on fire.

Hmm.

You know, love doesn't...

Not everything...

..is cured by love, huh?

Look, my life has been one hell of a mess, but you are one of the reasons that I keep trying.

Rosebud's my heart ache.

Get a life, and then do love.

Don't throw your dreams into the never-never.

Life doesn't give you second chances.

Come on, baby, check it out! Check it out!

We're going to work. Hey, you, asshole.

PANTING AND HEAVY BREATHING

Hammer me, slam me, oh, drill me!

You are doing it for me, for me, oh!

Give me all of that hell dog, pour it into my red hot oven!

Oh, yes! Does it feel different? Tease me, love me, don't stop!

Oh, it is so beautiful! Oh, yes, it is so beautiful!

Oh, yes! I can't believe...I can't believe you cut it off for me!

Oh, you kill me! Oh! Yes! Yes, I love it! Go on!

Keep going, Nicky, you know you can! You used to be an athlete, didn't you?

Yeah, I know you did! That's it, you filthy bugger!

Keep going! I love it, I love it!

Oh! Oh, God, yes!

Oh, yes! Like that!

-Agh!

-It's lovely like that!

Oh, yes! Oh, yes! Oh, yes!

-Agh-hhh-hhh!

-BARKING

Give me that fucking fairy dust!

You know what?

Hmm?

Next time a flag rises, you can knock on me back door.

Marlon Brando style.

What do you mean?

Up your...stow pipe?

Yeah.

Sure, why not?

Open my safe.

This is great chicken, better stop eating it, I'll bloat like a fucking whale.

You don't want a fat bird for a girlfriend, do ya?

God, you are one crude broad.

Is that what you think of me?

Oh, I'm not a thinker, no.

Do you think of me ever?

Tell me what you like about me. And don't be fucking polite.

The nasty way you look at me.

Mm-hm.

The way you touch your hair and you twirl it.

Right.

Your soft, white basket up in the air...

..staring at me like a third eyeball.

You're funny.

Your...

I don't know, just your...

..your red everything.

I really like you.

I like you, too.

What about our future? What are we going to do?

Just living till you die is hard work.

# Tell me your love is true

# Like I love you

# Too many times romantic words are spoken

# Too many words of love are said in vain

# Too many times a foolish heart is broken

# And left with just a memory for a token

# How can I know that you won't hurt me too?

# Do you love me the way you kiss me cos you kiss me like you love me?

# Do you mean everything you say and do you say everything you mean?

# Do you love me the way you hold me cos you hold me like you love me?

# It is only a lovely dream or can I dream of a wedding day?

SONG CONTINUES IN SPANISH

SEXUAL SCREAMS AND MOANS

DISTANT SHOUTING

# Do you love me the way you hold me cos you hold me like you love me?

# It is only a lovely dream or can I dream of a wedding day? #

MAN MUTTERS SOMETHING

< There's nothing so magical as a woman's ass.

Give me high frauds in high heels with asses that forgot to get old.

SNIFFING

What is it with them? Think they can whip their schlongs out whenever they want

-just in broad daylight for the whole world to see?

-Give the guy a break!

-What?

-The man is a beast, take myself for instance.

I see a young girl get up on a school bus,

her jeans riding low, showing a thong.

My first thought is, "Ow!

-"I want to buzz your butt!" Am I right?

-Uhuh.

My second, "How could your mummy and daddy allow you to go to school like that?"

-You should be ashamed of yourself.

-I am, but it don't last.

-Blah blah blah.

-Do you know where we are going?

-Ring a ding ding. We are riding a dollar 69 plus tax.

-Where?

TV PLAYS

Come on!

These guys today, they can't fight.

-Daddy? I gotta talk to you.

-I'm in the flesh.

-Yeah, but it's something really important.

-Hit him in the kidney!

-Have a liquorice.

-No, thank you.

-Where is your mother?

-Mother?

That's it, hit him in the stomach! In the stomach! In the stomach!

Yeah.

-Dad?

-Uh?

I am going into wedlock.

So what did your mother say?

She says I can't...

..she says I can't marry no-one. I'm...

I'm too young.

So she's against it?

Right.

And so am I.

What? You guys don't even talk to one another any more.

-Well, I don't have to talk to your mother to agree with her.

-That doesn't make any sense.

There's a lot of things in this pothole of a life that don't make sense, but you do 'em.

It takes me a good solid hour plus coffee and a cigarette to evacuate in the morning. Does that make sense?

No. But I do it because when I am high up on that bridge, I don't have a choice.

BRAKES SCREECH

Don't over-react, let me finish what I am saying.

We don't know each other enough? I've known you since you were born!

We are getting to know each other right now and I don't want to hop in right now.

Let me tell you something, baby, it's all or nothing with Fryburg, all or nothing!

I live right there, how am I gonna show my face in this neighbourhood if you don't marry me now?

PHHRRRT

-We love each other.

-You want me to change? Fryburg can't change!

PHHRRRT You fell in love with this.

-Don't take that away from me!

-That's it! You're not in my band any more!

-Oh, God!

-You are not in my band any more!

PHHRRRT

Let's finish the conversation like mature adults.

Get back here!

< CHATTERING

-<

-Hello!

Can I help?

What did you say?

-Do you need help?

-Can't hear you, just come a little closer.

What did you say?

What kind of underwear do you think a man fancies?

-Depends on the man.

-A man with a moustache.

-What sort of moustache?

-A dirty one.

A dirty black one.

You hit the nail on the head.

I like doing that!

I'm in the market for some underwear,

the kind of underwear that makes a man lose his mind.

OK, well,

I can help you with that.

You know, a long time ago women didn't wear underwear if they were well bred.

Only prostitutes wore panties!

Right.

I didn't know that.

Oh, well...

..now you know.

Right. Do you want to follow me?

-Oh, God, I'm dying!

-No, you are not, sir.

-I am dying! I am dying!

-Where is the pain, sir?

Stomach! It's his stomach!

-< SIREN BLARES

-What did you eat, sir? What is the last thing that you ate?

Those.

You said you were going to leave some for me!

-That was a four-pound tub! You ate the whole tub?

-Ah.

How are you doing, Mr Murder?

Oh, how are you doing? How is married life?

Better, sir, much better. Thanks for your words of wisdom.

-He tried to kill himself.

-With what?

-Black liquorice.

-Tell your mother I apologise.

You tell her men are seaweed, women are oak trees.

Amen! Men die young, they think they are ladies man twenty four seven, Attila the Springs and shit,

-lips raw with love, and then they be dead.

-Mm-hm.

You tell your mother I am truly sorry.

-I know your tragedy.

-What tragedy?

You got a loose one.

-Loose what?

-Pussy.

Fuck you! What did you say?

-Wide fucking shores.

-You calling me used goods?

-Who the fuck are you?

-Second-hand love doesn't work for me, bitch.

Don't worry, love.

I lose interest in a man as soon as he begins to care for me.

I'm gonna rip your can right open!

# Yee-hee-hee! #

SCREAMING AND SHOUTING

# Yee-hee-hee

# Yee-hee... #

-Get your fingers off me, you stupid cow!

-Kick that big pink butt!

Why you try to kill yourself sir?

# Well, brunettes are fine women

# Blonds are fun, but when it comes to getting a dirty job done I'll take a red-headed woman...

# A red-headed woman

# It takes a red-headed woman to get a dirty job done... #

I'll break your face.

# Well, listen up, stud your life's been wasted

# Till you got down on your knees and tasted a red-headed woman

SCREAMING

# A red-headed woman

# It takes a red-headed woman to get a dirty job done... #

The one in the middle is mine. She looks dirty.

# Well, I don't know how many girls you dated man

# But you ain't lived till you had your tie rotated by a red-headed woman

# A red-headed woman

# It takes a red-headed woman to get a dirty job done. #

It's no picnic being a guy, right? It's hard.

I mean, if I was a woman, I would have been a prostitute.

I broke up with Wanda,

her ass was a travesty.

There's just some things you can't overlook.

SHOUTING >

What is going on out there?

MOOING AND SHOUTING

Well, I'd run too if I was going to be a steak.

Mrs Murder? Glad to see you!

How are you?

Every breath is a victory.

-Hiya, Mom.

-Don't you "Hi, Mom" me.

I told you. I told you!

In the sixth grade I told you, never tell a woman your business,

you just do your thing and you keep it to yourself.

-Maybe I should go?

-Sit down!

I got one foot on the banana peel and one foot in the grave. And you do this to me?

You have got dinosaur balls, buster.

-I should have clopped them off when you were a kid!

-I'm your son, ma, I could use some help.

Does it look like I am wearing a white uniform?

-I am supposed to be number one!

-You overshot your boundaries, number one!

You go and get yourself a mistress and on top of that you got yourself circumcised!

Jesus! We're not even Jewish!

-I told him not to do it.

-Shut up!

Who asked you?

You are just like your father and your grandfather.

May they rest in peace!

COUGHING AND SPLUTTERING

Oh, yes...

..Nicholas Nicotine! Wolf lungs.

The doctor says he's got wolf lungs.

They are all black.

Did I tell you his grandfather tried to have sex with me?

-Really?

-I am telling you.

Told me my husband was a boy, that he could do things to me that I couldn't imagine.

-Sexually?

-Well, yes, sure.

He wasn't talking about going to Jersey!

Jersey!

That man, my father-in-law, had more ass than a seat on a toilet.

Once he had an affair with his architect's wife, he had them over

to the house, right in front of his wife,

he said to me, "You take care of him and I'll take care of her."

Like I was his whore!

You can't do that nowadays.

His own daughter-in-law,

he was dancing with her.

He was a good dancer

and the woman,

Mrs Thompson was her name, she had no bloomers on,

I seen it when he twirled her.

My mother-in-law was in the kitchen pulling her hair out.

And now this bastard goes and does the same thing.

It's in the genes, he can't help it.

That long-ago dance.

I'm telling you, I don't think I'm over it yet.

Three generations of whore masters.

-Ever been on a plane?

-No.

Never.

Someday.

Yeah, someday.

-Not too long.

-Nicky?

You shaved your moustache.

Yeah, yeah it's gone.

Forever?

You know, I could never find the right words to say what I'm trying to say.

Don't say anything.

-We've got to stop.

-No, no it doesn't.

Yeah, we're through, it's over.

No! Come on,

we deserve each other.

Huh. You may be right about that.

I am, you were meant for me!

Look, I almost love you.

Killing me softly.

-I gotta go home.

-Home?

Where is home?

Place we are going.

Kind dice named Kitty lives.

Ha ha ha ha ha!

-I love my wife.

-Yeah, she's not going to take you back.

We'll see.

You fit into me.

You know.

But I gotta change.

I'm a slow learner but I'm gonna change.

You wouldn't be able to say that if I was licking your balls.

It'd be hard.

Yeah, it would be hard, it'd be rock hard.

Look, there's more to life than that, Tula, OK.

I let you in! I let you open my apple like a fucking flower in the fucking rain, you fuck!

-There's more to life than a hard-on OK?

-No, there's not!

It starts there, don't it?

That's where life starts!

Let me suck you before you leave me, go on!

No! No!

Ahh!

# Under here, you just take my breath away.

# Under here, the water flows over my head.

# I can hear the little fishes

# Under here, whispering your most terrible name

# Under here they've given me starfish

# For eyes and your head

# Is a big red balloon

# Under here your huge hand is heavy on my chest

# And under here, your lovely voice

# Retreats and yes

# You take my breath away

# And I glow with the greatness

# Of my pain for you. #

Kitty, I...

Stay away from me.

-Please.

-I'm not talking to you.

I'm your husband.

I know that, you're the one that forgot it.

Can't you forgive?

The die is cast.

From the bottom of my heart.

You made your bed, go lie in it.

-I apologise.

-With your slut.

-I know, I lied to you.

-Point-blank.

Can't you give me one more chance?

Please! I'll do anything, anything, I'll give you anything.

I love you.

Maybe I don't know how to show it like they do in movies

or in books but I love, I have love to give.

I don't want your tired gestures of love.

# This is a man's world

# This is a man's world

# But it wouldn't be nothing

# Nothing without a woman or a girl

# You see, man made a train

# To carry a heavy load

# Man made the electrolyte

# To take us out of the dark

# Man made the boat full of water

# Like Noah made the ark

# This is a man's, a man's, a man's world

# But it would be nothing, nothing without a woman or a girl.

# He's lost in the wilderness,

# He's lost in bitterness...#

SPEAKS SILENTLY

HEAVY THUD

HEAVY THUD

Woah woah, hey, what do you think you're doing?

Shovelling.

Not in my yard. Hey!

What are we, peeping Toms.

You didn't have to put it in here.

Aah, this is my boyfriend, my boyfriend, my one and only.

He's the fruit man, I know who he is. He works at the Big R.

-You got one beautiful pair of little hills there lady.

-What?

I watch you, like dessert, bending over them tight little clam diggers,

feeling the tomatoes,

squeezing them,

ah full moons, grand wide open cans,

oh, woman's ass, roundly defeating man's and every clams.

Ah, that's enough.

Shut up, ma.

-Don't you...

-You didn't want me to have a boyfriend, you never did.

Old man's here to stay, Mummy.

Don't you talk that way to me.

What the hell's going on out here.

Die, you bastard. Go on, throw it in his fucking face.

You just twisted the cap off the tube, buddy.

When was the last time you and your wife had sex?

-She hasn't been fucked in over a year.

-Tobacco Road.

Rude man, it is straight.

-It is straight.

-It is straight.

It is straight.

Wait, wait, wait, hey

what are you doing? What do you think you're doing?

She speaks to me.

Over here.

Come on, come on, big dog baby.

What's the matter, can't you smell me?

-Fuck, come on, you gotta kill him.

-Woah.

Time for school, baby.

Come on, kill him, kill him, kill him. Come on.

Get him. Murder him. Come on.

Get him. Get in there and punch him.

-Come on.

-Oh, you fuck.

# It must be him, it must be him, or I shall die. #

Get him. Come on. Nail him. Kill him.

Fucking spread his ass,

come on. Punch him out, see some blood.

Show me you love me. Shove it.

That's it, fucking give it to him hard.

Ahhhhh!

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh, fuck. She hit me with a fucking tree.

Fucking trouble maker. I'll kill you.

You lying stinker.

Ahh!

My name is Rosebud.

I did not begin right.

If I was ever well, it was before I can remember.

We're a crazy family but

there's love still here.

Our next door neighbours are mean people.

Frances' mother was in the circus.

She was an acrobat and she tried and tried to have a baby and finally she had Frances.

A foul-mouthed spoilt princess who fell in love with the fruit man who

was born without a brain and a pea for a heart.

This is my statement of feelings.

Thank you very much.

Where you going?

So how are you?

Fine. And you?

My head hurts.

Will there be any stars, any stars in my crown,

when the evening sun goes down?

Will there be any stars in my crown?

What can I say?

There's nothing to say.

Ethel Murmon.

What about Ethel Murmon?

I never liked Ethel Murmon.

Yeah?

When I took you to see her,

she intruded on our aloneness with that fog horn of a voice.

Mmm, lots of kinds of things are Ethel.

Yeah.

Didn't Ernest Border give her a smack?

Yeah, yeah.

Give her the bloody end of the stick, marriage lasted a week.

Well, you can't blame Ernie.

Can't get a man, would drive any man crazy.

Yeah.

Ray Middleton, him I liked.

Mmm.

# The girl that I married would have to be

# Soft and as pink as a nursery

# The girl I call my

# Home would wear satin and laces

# and smell like cologne. #

COUGHING FIT

Dear Father, forgive me, for I have sinned.

It's been, uh, 20, 30 years since my last confession.

Do you believe in God?

I dunno, like to.

Um...

I'm a jealous, selfish man.

My wife she, she never got to do enough for me.

I loved her but, but it's not enough.

Now the, uh, smoke fairy's gonna make me disappear,

puff by puff.

My sweet little princess nicotine.

I'm gonna die, Father,

like everybody does, you know, even the rich people.

You know and I just thought that maybe it was time to

get a few things down on the record.

I'm Kitty's husband.

I know.

Two things.

Two things a man should be able to do.

Be romantic

and smoke his brains out.

I agree.

CHOIR SINGS DOO-WOP HARMONIES

# One, thou shalt never love another... #

Thou shalt never love another.

# Two, and stand by thee all the while... #

And stand by thee all the while.

# Three, take happiness with the heartache... #

Take happiness with the heartache

# Four, and go through life wearing a smile

And go through life wearing a smile.

# Oh how happy we will be

# If we keep the ten commandments of love

# Of lo-o-o-o-ove

# Five, thou shalt always have faith in me... #

KNOCKING ON DOOR

-May I sit down?

-Sure.

I really miss you.

I miss you too.

I want to ask you if you could maybe...

I'll be there for you. I'll take care of you

but I, I can't, you know...

Ah no, no, no, no.

That's not what I'm asking you.

Oh, sorry.

No, I'm sorry I should've,

uh, I mean I WANT to,

I still have feelings.

I should hope so.

No, what I wanted to ask you is

now I'm not feeling so good,

if maybe you could,

once in a while,

scare me or something,

you know, let me know I'm still alive.

-OK.

-You understand?

I do.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

AAAAAAGH!

I love you.

I love you too.

Kiss me.

I never knew this guy could be so deep of love

until I knew I could not grow old with you.

PHONE RINGS

Hello.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

BUGLE PLAYS

# The girl that I married would have to be

# Soft and as pink as a nursery

# The girl I call my home

# Would wear satin and laces

# And smell like cologne

Her nails...

# Her nails will be polished and in her hair

# There will be a gardenia and I'll be there

# Instead of lit in

# She'll be sitting

# Next to me and she'll purr like a kitten

# And all I can carry

# The girl that I marry

# Must be. #