A Damsel in Distress

HE TAPS IMPATIENTLY Order! Order! >

Ladies and gentlemen, you're all aware of what we're here for.

This sweepstake has been inaugurated

to provide a harmless sporting flutter

for the domestic staff of Tottney Castle.

Get on with it! Why do you go on?

Order! Order! Silence!

We have come to the conclusion that soon Lady Alyce will make up her mind to get married,

so I've put all the eligibles in this hat and whoever draws...

Gets the pot?

Whoever draws the happy man will become the possessor of the total subscribed.

Well, we will now proceed with the draw.

THEY ALL CHATTER

Thomas, the footman.

He draws..."The Hon. Wilfred Washington Watkins."

-Why couldn't I pull Reggie?

-I don't know why you favour him.

-With Lady Caroline backing him?

-Did you ever know her not get her way?

Antoine, our respected cook.

"Sir George Belgrave."

Oh, too bad!

Now I draw.

Oh!

Mr Reggie.

THEY MURMUR UNHAPPILY

That, ladies and gentlemen, concludes the proceedings.

Here! What about me?

What about my go at the pot?

I'm sorry. There are no more starters, my boy.

-Well, what's wrong with writing me out a ticket for Mr X.

-Mr X?

Not in the field. If her ladyship turns down Mr Reggie and the rest,

and marries some tee-total stranger, it's my pot.

Any objections?

Very well.

There we are. Ha!

Ha, yourself with knobs on!

-Want me to tell you something?

-What?

-Lady Alyce is in love with a young American fella she met last year.

Barmy! That's what you are!

-Oh, barmy, am I? Then why has Lady Caroline appointed you to watch her wherever she goes?

-How do you know?

Listening at keyholes!

Keggs, she's running off to London.

-She told me not to tell a soul.

-London? What for?

To see Mr X. It's a walkover!

Lady Caroline mustn't get a word of this.

Where you going?

FRANTIC MUSIC PLAYS

-Where are you off to?

-To protect my investment.

Hello...? Yes, this is Jerry Halliday's apartment.

No, I'm his publicity.

About what?

Well, you'll have to talk to my secretary. She's not in yet.

You'd better call about 12 o'clock. She'll be in then to go to lunch.

Hello.

-You should have been in two hours ago.

-Why? What happened?

-What happened?

-Yes.

-If you're not on time, I'll get another stenographer.

Another stenographer? Do you think there's enough work for two of us?

Look, I mean I'm going to fire YOU!

-Ye... Fire me!?

-Yes!

-If it wasn't for my father backing Jerry's first show in the United States...

BOTH: You wouldn't be here in London now. No.

Without him, you wouldn't work for me for two weeks.

You wouldn't even work for me for two days!

Not even for two minutes!

Well, a girl couldn't ask for shorter hours than that.

Here, sharpen this pencil.

Type that letter I dictated last night?

Well, no, I didn't have time, so I mailed them my notebook.

I hope they read shorthand.

Mailed your notebook! You know, Gracie, I'm beginning to think there's nothing up here.

Oh, George! You're self-conscious.

There.

-That's it?

-Yes.

-PHONE RINGS I'm not in.

-He's not in.

-Find out who it is.

-Um...who?

-It's a Hawaiian.

-A Hawaiian?

-Well, he must be.

He says he's Brown from the Morning Sun.

Look, the man's name is Brown.

Morning Sun is the newspaper he's working for. Tell him I'm not here.

Oh, he's not here.

I tell you, he's not here. Oh, you don't, huh?

Well, ask him if you don't believe me. ..George...?

Hello. Mr Halliday is not in.

Mr Jerry Halliday, the destroyer of feminine hearts...

I saw a crowd of women running. Why were they running?

-Cos you were chasing them?

-No, they chased me. You and your publicity!

Gerry, these people believe you're the same character off stage as on.

What's the difference if you cash in at the box office?

Thanks to you, every woman who reads rushes at or away from me.

Has it occurred to you I might like to meet a young lady

who stands still for one second?

AHEM!

Sit down. Sit down! A story is a story, Jerry.

-And as long as they're read...

-Here's a story. A true story.

-I'm through!

-What?

-What do you mean?

-Oh, Jerry!

Until I get out of this there'll be no more love scenes, love songs,

-love dances and no more love-sick publicity!

-Listen, Jerry...

Jerry! Wait! Jerry!

WOMEN CLAMOUR

Good morning. Can I hide here, please?

Now, listen, miss. This is too much.

-Keggs mustn't see me.

-Keggs?

-Yes, he's following me. Keggs, Aunt Caroline's head watchdog.

Here he is. Hide me.

-You sir! You sir!

-What's your trouble, my friend?

-American, are you? Well, you can't get away with this sort of thing.

-What?

-A young lady got in your cab.

-Surely not.

-What do you mean?

-I've been in the cab all this time

-and I'd have noticed, sir.

-Let me look inside this cab.

-I will not, sir.

-Very well. I'll be bound to force my way in.

-Then, Keggs, I'm bound to force you out.

-How did you know my name?

It's written behind you.

-Who is he?

-He's Jerry Halliday.

-He lives there?

-Yes, The Devonshire.

-The Devonshire!

You're the American! Right.

Don't give her up, we're going to win!

-I suppose you're wondering what this is about.

-Oh, no! Not my business.

And of course you're much too well bred to enquire about my business.

Of course I am. What's it all about?

Well, I'm in a perfectly simple piece of trouble and it'll bore you to death if I tell you.

Open that door. Do you hear me?

Go away, my good man.

'Ello. What's all this?

I've another little idea here.

I say...

'Ello, 'Ello, 'Ello. Get out of there!

You've committed a breach of the peace. You'll be charged for this.

Officer, I'm glad you arrived. This man is annoying me.

There is a young lady in this cab.

-Ridiculous!

-There is!

-There is not!

We shall see.

A practical joker, eh?

Playing jokes on the law! Come along with me, the both of you!

-There was a young lady and you're evading the truth.

-My friend... I'm denying nothing.

Ladies and gentlemen, for your kind attention, I will give you my impression of Jerry Halliday.

-Is it him?

-It is!

Come on, Jerry. Give us a dance, will you?

Come on, Jerry. You can do it!

A bit of music for Jerry.

Come on, Jerry. SWING MUSIC PLAYS

Now...

come here.

# Bad news, go away

# Call round some day

# In March or May

# I can't be bothered now

# My bonds and shares

# May fall downstairs

# Who cares? Who cares?

# I'm dancing and I can't be bothered now

# I walk among the stars

# On earthly things I frown

# I'm throwing off the bars that held me down

# I'll pay the piper

# When times get riper

# Just now, I shan't

# Because, you see, I'm dancing and I can't be bothered now... #

I say there!

Eat my roses, will you?

Make me work twice as hard, will you?

Take that! And that! And that!

-Beg your pardon, your lordship.

-What is it?

-Milk, m'lord.

-Milk?!

-What am I - a baby or a cow?

Take it away!

FANFARE BLARES

HE BURSTS INTO A JAZZ TUNE

-Reggie!

-Yes, Uncle John?

-Stop that noise!

-Right-ho!

And stop saying "Right-ho".

Right-ho!

-Take it away.

-Beg your pardon, my lord. Lady Caroline's orders.

I'm not to move until you've drunk the last drop.

-Father!

-Hello, my dear.

-Could you do me a favour?

-What?

Marry that saxophone-playing pest and take him away from here.

I won't marry Reggie and you know the reason.

All right, then. But next time you slip to London, let me go with you.

-I'd like to take a look at him.

-So would I!

See him, your American?

How could I with Keggs following me and fighting in the street?

I wish you'd be sensible and forget him.

Being apart a year hasn't made me forget him. That proves I love him.

REGGIE PLAYS A FANFARE

Stop that nonsense. Look!

Uh-oh. Stormy weather approaching.

John, read this, please.

You know I can't read without glasses.

-What the devil is it?

-It may interest you to know

Keggs spent last night in prison.

Keggs!

Keggs, come here.

Oh, Keggs!

-So you hit a policeman, eh?

-No, m'lord, I kicked him.

Caroline, you can put up with a kicking steward, I can not.

-You're sacked for being drunk and disorderly in public.

-Keggs was not drunk and disorderly.

-I suppose you were an eyewitness.

-Yes.

Then you were in London yesterday.

-I'm appalled!

-I went there to meet a man and Keggs followed.

I jumped into a cab to avoid him and that's where he had a struggle with the man in the cab.

You met your American!

I'd never seen the man before. It just happened I got into his cab.

As if you'd get in a cab with a stranger!

You're putting us off the scent!

From now on, you'll remain in the grounds and be watched at all times.

Those are your father's orders. Are they not, John?

I suppose.

Bah!

Good morning, children.

-Hi, Jerry.

-Morning, Jerry.

-Ah! Fan mail!

-Yes.

-I'm through with that.

Now, listen, Jerry. You can't quit even temporarily.

I am going to hide away in the country where no-one has heard of Halliday the butterfly man,

beneath whose feet women's hearts

are crushed as grapes in a wine press.

You wrote that.

Isn't this CUTE?!

"And if you come then, no-one will suspect your presence.

"I love you, Alyce M."

Ha, ha, ha!

That's the girl in the cab.

-What cab?

-She was in trouble.

Tottney Castle. I wonder where that place is.

It's got a coat of arms - a bona fide castle.

Oh, that's where Napoleon came from.

Napoleon?

Yes, Napoleon BonaFIDE.

-Father backed your first show, remember?

-Yeah. Yeah.

Here it is. "Tottley Castle. Present owner is Lord Marshmoreton,

"his sister Lady Caroline and daughter Lady Alyce.

"Since the 1400s, Tottley has been the seat of the Earl..."

Oh, George, you must lose that Brooklyn accent. You mean "oil".

I mean "earl". Oil and earl are two different things.

Your daddy doesn't go to bed oily, does he?

He did when he worked for the gas station.

Listen, Gracie.

In England there are several titles for the nobility -

lords, dukes, earls...

Oh, that's my daddy!

If he ever gets his dukes on the Earl Company's money, Lord help 'em!

-I made that up myself.

-You did?

-Yeah!

-Where's the car?

-Downstairs.

Say, have you any idea what a publicity story this will make?

Can't you see the headlines? Pretty peeress putty in Halliday's hands.

"I love you, Alyce M."

I mean, it's incredible. How can she say that when she doesn't know me!

Everybody reads my stuff.

Thursday is visitors' day. What's today?

I don't know.

You can tell if you look at that newspaper on your desk.

Oh, this is no help, George. It's yesterday's paper.

-Her father...

-Backed my first show.

-Yes.

REGGIE PLAYS A GENTLE, SOMBRE TUNE

-Hurry, Thomas.

-Yes, Mr Keggs.

They'll be here any moment. We shall be over-run by proletariats.

Yes, Mr Keggs.

Why they would pay a shilling to be led about like dumb animals

gaping into the interiors of their betters, I'll never understand.

It makes them feel envious of us.

Keggs, I'm expecting madrigal singers.

-Show them into the ballroom.

-Yes, m'lady.

-Oh, dear. Is it Thursday?

-I fear so, m'lady.

-Well, open the doors and windows after they've gone.

-Yes, m'lady.

HE PLAYS A RAGTIME TUNE

# Hey, hey, a mother of three

# Ho, ho, a mother of three Hey, hey... #

HE FALLS SILENT

HE PLAYS A GENTLE, SOMBRE TUNE

Keep in line, please.

Try to keep in line and hand me a shilling as you pass. Thank you.

-Good old Tottney Castle.

-Isn't it beautiful?

It's almost pretty enough to be a filling station.

Filling station? This castle is over 300 years old.

Oliver Cromwell went through here in 1628.

Well, that's fast in those days.

-I mean he went through the castle.

-Couldn't stop the car, huh?

BOTH: No, he couldn't stop the car!

Admission is one shilling.

Oh, well, we usually get more than that but we'll go in.

I don't pay the people, they pay me.

-Oh. Well, then, give me my money back.

-You didn't give me any money.

Well, that's not my fault.

-Here's your money.

-Thank you.

-How much did he give you?

-Two shillings.

-And how much is the admission?

-One shilling.

Well, then, give me my change.

Oh, I beg your pardon, madam, I was a little confused for a moment.

-Thank YOU!

-Don't mention it.

-Hey! Not so fast, sir.

Oh, hello there, how are you?

I'm sorry about your hat, old man.

This castle is not open to you.

-I thought it was open to anyone who paid a shilling.

-To you, not on payment of £1 million.

Thomas, Henry.

Eject him! ..Come, Albert.

Outside the rope.

Oh, George, imagine meeting a deep-sea diver here. of all places!

-Deep-sea diver?

-Yes.

-That's armour.

Mr Armour must be somewhere in his underwear, he's not in his suit.

Probably slipped out for a smoke.

-Oh.

-Oh.

We are now in the main hall.

Bang! Bang!

You notice what that sign says?

"Do not finger art..." Well, I don't blame Art.

If I were Art, I'd object too!

I don't get it.

Next, I would like to point out this portrait of a very famous countess,

mother of five daughters,

-whose husband was...

-I know, an accountant.

-Oh!

-Go right ahead.

-Thank you.

I'm happy to relate that his lordship

-gave more than £5,000 for that portrait.

-5,000lb of what?

BOY WHISTLES

Told you I was your friend, didn't I? Now I'll prove it.

-Good boy.

-Don't muss my hair!

-Got a cigarette?

-Sorry, this is the last one.

No.

See them?

They're the madrigal singers.

You can slip in with them and I'll take you to see Lady Alyce.

Good.

You've got here just in time.

If I've ever seen an impatient woman, she's one.

Now, this balcony is an historical spot

known in family tradition as Leonard's Leap.

In the year 1787, a young Scottish nobleman, Lord Leonard Strathbungo,

hurled himself from that balcony to avoid compromising the beautiful Countess Of Marshmoreton.

This was a feat of bravery and daring which,

in the whole history of the castle,

-has never been duplicated. Thank you.

-Thank you.

-Did he break his neck?

-George, maybe he didn't like his neck.

-Maybe.

Now those of you who may wish, will be conducted by the footmen to inspect the model dairy.

Why?

I am happy to relate

that his lordship is the owner of no fewer than 15 hundred cows.

-Does he herd sheep?

-Oh, George, you can't say, "Does he heard sheep?"

You mean, "Does he hear sheep?" or "Has he heard sheep?"

-But you can't say...

-ALL: "Does he heard sheep?" NO.

Well, now we will return by way of the ballroom.

George, isn't he a silly man!

Now, let's all start together.

Right-ho. And let's try and finish together.

# There was a jolly British tar who met a milkmaid bonny

# He said, How beautiful you are, with a hey and a nonny

# With a hey and a nonny

# Such golden hair I ne'er did see with lips to shame a cherry

# Oh, buxom milkmaid, marry me

# With a down-a-derry

# With a down-a-down-a-derry

# Our hearts could rhyme, said she

# Tis flattered I'm, said she

# But oh, ah, me You see, you see, you see, you see

-# I happen to be

-I happen to be the mother of three

# A wife already and mother of three Of three, of three, of three, of three, of three

# The mother of three... #

# The jolly tar, he laughed a lot

# Tis for the best, my bonny

# That you won't be my better half With a hey and a nonny

# With a hey and a nonny

# I near forgot on seeing you That I've a wife in Kerry

# In Spain and also Timbuktu

-# With a down-a-derry

-With a down-a-down-a-derry... #

# ...You've got me thinking twice Goodbye to shoes and rice

# For, ah, me You see, you see

-# Now, you see, I happen to be

-I happen to be the husband of three

# A-spliced already and husband of three

# A-spliced already and husband of three

-# Of three

-Of three, of three, of three

# Of three, of three, of three Of three, of three, of three

# A husband o-o-o-o-o-o-f

# Three

# Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah

# Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah

# Ah! # BOY WHISTLES

-After him and turn him out.

-Very well, m'lady. ..Thomas! ..Henry!

Sit down. Hurry up!

Now...

close your eyes.

-Now count.

-Count?

You're surprising her, ain't you? It'll be more romantic.

She can creep softly in and plant a kiss on your brow.

All right.

Count.

One, two, three,

-four...

-Louder.

Five, six...

-Give it a bit more.

-Eleven, twelve...

thirteen...

eighteen, nineteen, twenty,

twenty-one,

twenty-two, twenty-three, twenty-four,

twenty-five, twenty-six,

twenty-seven, twenty-eight,

twenty-seven. I said that before. Twen...

I got here just as quickly as I could.

You did?

Yes.

You're feeling quite well?

Well, I'm not used to all this excitement.

Oh, one of our gardeners got sunstroke yesterday.

Is that so?

Yes, um...he stood out in the sun too long without his hat on.

That made HIM all funny in the head.

Yes.

Um...now what happens? What can I do to help you?

Help?

-Well, you're in distress, aren't you?

-In a way, yes.

They're keeping you prisoner.

-Yes.

-Well, I wouldn't have dreamed it possible in this day and age!

-Locking a girl up like a prisoner to keep her away from...

-The man she loves.

How did you know?

Um...you're quite sure about this being-in-love thing?

-I mean, it isn't just a quick schoolgirl crush?

-Oh, no.

It's the real thing?

Oh, well, really, I...find it quite embarrassing.

Don't be shy. Not with me.

I mean, I want you to just, well, tell me everything.

But I couldn't possibly! I've only met you once.

I'll tell you what, let's pretend I'm an old friend of the family,

an uncle or something like that,

and, well, you're talking about a third person who isn't here. How's that?

It might make it easier.

Now...

All right. Here we go.

Um...you do really, shall we say, um...

-..care for this man?

-I love him.

Why?

Well, in the first place, he's...

the most charming man in the world.

And...in the second place,

he's divinely handsome.

You're crazy!

Well, I beg your pardon, I think so.

Well, all right. We won't argue that point any further.

Go on.

Um...American?

Yes.

Um...you'd say, "He's got what it takes."

-Listen, you know, I can stand so much and then...

-KNOCK AT DOOR

Alyce! Alyce!

-It's Aunt Caroline.

-Alyce?

-Yes?

I want to speak to you.

Just a moment. ..Get out of here. Aunt Caroline will find you.

-The balcony.

-Alyce?

-But don't go near the edge.

-Where's that man?

-What man?

-It's no good staring like that.

That man was seen coming upstairs. You're hiding him.

Psst!

-The balcony!

-Don't be silly, Aunt Caroline. The balcony?!

Well, it appears I was mistaken. I'm sorry.

-He did it.

-Did what?

The leap!

-Leonard, I mean.

-Well, of course he did.

Aunt Caroline, has any man been known to do it since Leonard?

Certainly not!

Oh, what courage!

Leonard, you mean?

-Yes, Leonard, of course.

-Oh.

-Keep the motor running.

-Did you see her, Jerry?

-Yes, yes.

Good. Now we can go to Paris.

"Don't lose courage. I'll be waiting to help you.

"What do I do next?" Thanks.

Say, you, gardener?

Look, where can one stay around here?

There's several cottages down the road.

Can you keep your mouth shut?

Look, I want you to give this note to Lady Alyce, first chance. And here's £1 for your trouble.

-Did you tell his lordship I wish to see him?

-Yes, m'lady.

-Where is he, then?

-He's coming now.

-He was taking his bath.

-Very well.

REGGIE PIPES A JOLLY TUNE

Stop that infernal noise!

-Yes, stop it, Reggie.

-Right-ho!

BAGPIPES WHEEZE

Well, what is it? What is it?

-I want to speak to you, John.

-Nice time to choose!

-Keggs, repeat to his lordship what you just told me.

-Very good.

I have been informed by the cook, who was informed by the footman,

who was informed by the scullery maid, who had it from the milkman...

-You forgot the first maid.

-Shut up!

Oh, go ahead, man. What did the syndicate tell you?

That three Americans now occupy Leonard's Manor, m'lord.

Alyce's American and his friends. They're just down the road!

-Well, John?

-What do you mean, "Well, John?" What do you expect me to do?

You will go and horsewhip him immediately.

Oh, but I couldn't possibly. Why, I-I hardly know the person.

You'll do it directly you've had breakfast.

Oh, all right, I'll think it over.

Well, now you've rented this bungalow, what am I expected to do? Sit and watch you being a hermit?

Where's your sense of romance?

Did you hear what she said? Leonard lived here.

Oh, have some sense, Jerry. Come on!

-Oh, I can't go now. She needs me. She's in trouble.

-Oh, Jerry!

Don't be pessimistic. She may still be in trouble when you get back.

-Don't unpack, Mr Halliday, he's on his way over!

-Who?

His lordship! He's coming to chase you out of the place!

Chase me out of the place?

Please, sir. You'd better hurry. If you don't go, he'll horsewhip you.

How old-fashioned! Horsewhipping in this day and age,

when they can run over him! What will they think of next?

Please, sir. Hurry! Hurry!

Relax, my dear boy, I'm not leaving. I like it here.

-I'm filled with the spirit of Leonard.

-Please, change your mind.

-You can't defy him!

-It's time someone defied the old wolf.

That's him! He'll kill me if he finds me here!

You'd better take Gracie into the next room.

-I want to see what happens.

-You'll hear.

Oh!

Enter.

Oh! I was expecting someone else.

However, peasantry is always welcome across my threshold.

Take a stool and sit down, sir.

-THUD!

-As a matter of fact, I....

..I was expecting your boss.

And it would have been a most unpleasant time he'd have spent.

Pray tell, who does he think he is, ordering me out of the county and horsewhipping me?

I'd like to see him try it!

What do I care if he's the earl of yon neighbouring castle?

An earl? So what?

And how did he become an earl?

Because some ancestor did common people out of their lands, the old pirate!

Want to know what else I think?

Why, he's nothing but a... a high-binder.

-Have you finished?

-Yes.

-I think that's all.

-Good.

-Come out, you young scoundrel! Come out!

-No, lord. Please, lord.

Please, sire. Go on, get out. Yes, m'lord. No, m'lord.

-You're Lord Marshmoreton.

-I am.

Oh!

Oh! Oh, isn't it awful? Isn't it terrible?

-What's awful? What's terrible?

-I can't hear a thing.

-What's this?

-The answer to the letter you gave me.

-You mean that you gave my note to Lady Alyce?

-Of course I did.

You tipped me most liberally. There's her answer.

-Oh, then you're on my side.

-Of course I am.

-Alyce loves you.

-What?

And I respect her judgment. She loves you, that's enough for me.

I don't think the Marshmoretons are fenced off from the rest of the world by some sort of nobility.

My sister does, but she's an ass.

Isn't she?

I mean, is she?

Course she is! Always has been.

Why, she wants her step-son, Reggie, to marry Alyce.

Over my dead body, sir.

Well, she didn't specify that, but she'd be glad if it was arranged.

Look... We're going to take her to a fair this afternoon.

-Caroline expects him to propose to her on the chute de chutes.

-Well, I'll be darned!

Is that all you're going to say?

No, sir, it is not.

Well, if I were a man in your position,

I'd go myself and take her from him.

That's just what I shall do, sir.

Good boy!

Well...

I must be getting back to my roses.

Oh, by the way,

if you should happen to run into my sister,

-tell her I horsewhipped you within an inch of your life.

-Right-ho.

JERRY HUMS A CHEERFUL TUNE

Still alive, huh?

-Alive? I've just begun to live.

-Just begun to live?

-Why, I've just begun to live.

-Oh, he's just begun to live.

-# Oh, I've just begun to live

-I've just begun to live

# Yes, I've just begun to live I've just begun to live

# Oh, I've just begun to live I've just begun to live... #

Step up, ladies and gents! This way! The tunnel of love!

All for the price of half a shilling.

Now, I've no doubt many are shy. You'd like to pop the question but don't know how.

Give your girl sixpence for the tunnel of love and achieve your wish.

Get your money back if she don't fling her arms round your neck and say yes.

When she says nothing, say, "Will you be mine?" How can she help,

but say the word that keeps the clergyman out of the poor house? Money will be returned

to all men who don't click in the first five minutes.

Step up! This way for the tunnel of love. Buy your tickets and hurry in.

-Oh, come on, George.

-No, that's for children. I don't like them - never did, never will.

-Jerry, don't get me a ticket.

-Why not?

-I've got a weak heart.

Don't be silly! If Jerry pays, how can that affect your heart?

-Come on.

-No, no. Not me. I don't get pleasure out of this.

Come along, George. It's lots of fun having fun, even if you don't enjoy it.

Heel!

Ah!

-Good afternoon.

-Good afternoon.

I've, um...been hoping that I'd meet you again.

-Oh, you have?

-Yes, to thank you about yesterday.

Did you hurt yourself?

Oh, no, no. No. Just skinned my hands a little.

It's nothing at all.

-It's a lot of fun, isn't it?

-It's all right.

-What do they call it?

The tunnel of love.

Oh.

I say, I'm with the lady in the car ahead.

My, my! You must be a magician!

No, but really, aren't you with the gentleman in the car ahead?

Oh! So I am!

Well, if we're in the car ahead, who can the people be in this car?

Yes, that's right. There must be some mix-up.

-Shall I strike a match?

-Why hit a match? It isn't his fault.

Although I always say...

How do? ..Although I always say...

Say! You're pretty!

You know, I was about to say the very same thing.

Why don't you say it? If you think you're pretty, you have as much right to say it as I have.

I say, do you live here.

No! Where I live we sit in chairs.

I must admit something else.

I, um...

It's lovely weather, isn't it?

-Yes. Shame we can't see it.

-Rather.

-..How do?

Oh, by the way, did you see the newspapers this morning?

No. Did you see them?

No.

But I wished it was yesterday.

Although I didn't see the papers yesterday.

-Did you see the papers yesterday morning?

-No.

I never see the papers.

-But they're nice to talk about.

-Yes. They're so true to life.

Oh, well, aren't we all!

How do?

-I say, everybody knows you, don't they?

-Yes.

By the way, I, um... I saw your father this morning.

-Oh, yes?

-Yes, he called at my house.

-I thought he was a grand person.

-Oh, yes.

-And truthful, I suppose?

What do you mean?

I mean you can rely upon what he tells you.

He wouldn't just have fun, like a practical joke or anything.

Of course not.

-What did he tell you?

-About you.

-What about me?

He told me about you having fallen in love with...

Oh! Well, I'm not ashamed of it.

Course not!

You can't help falling in love.

I know that.

It's like being hit by a thunderbolt.

That's right.

I know some people laugh at the idea of falling in love at first sight.

-They're wrong.

-I'm glad you think so

because I did, head over heels.

Alyce...

SLAP!

How do?

You look nice and happy. What's happened to you?

George, that was fun! Let's go down the moving stairs!

Oh, oh, no. Come here.

"The safest way - take the lift." Inside.

GRACIE LAUGHS

The safe way?

# What made good Queen Bess such a great success?

# What made Wellington do what he did at Waterloo?

# What makes every Englishman a fighter through and through?

# It isn't roast beef or ale, or home, or mother

# It's just a little thing they sing to one another

# Stiff upper lip, stout fella

# Carry on, old bean

# Chin up

# Keep muddling through

# Stiff upper lip, stout fella

# Dash it all, I mean

# Pip-pip to old man trouble

# And a toodle-oo too

# Carry on through thick and thin

# If you feel you're in the right

# Does the fighting spirit win?

# Oh, quite, quite, quite quite, quite

# Stiff upper lip, stout fella

# When you're in a stew

# Sober or blotto this is the motto

# Keep muddling through... #

HE SINGS

I'm sorry, m'lady. So sorry.

I thought it was clearly understood, Keggs, that I would not tolerate another of these outbursts.

Yes, m'lady. I fight the urge constantly, m'lady

but this time it seemed to get the better of me.

A man of character, Keggs, should learn to control his passions.

Yes, m'lady. Thank you, m'lady.

-Father!

-Just a minute, dear. I'm looking for a snail.

It's behind this bush somewhere.

Go round there and cut off its retreat.

I'll teach him to eat the flowers.

Father, do stop talking about snails. I want to ask something.

Do you think it shows a very weak character, changing one's mind?

-About?

-About, um...for instance, um...falling in love.

Oh, hello, what's this you're telling me?

You've changed your mind about that ski-jumping fellow?

I just found, suddenly, that I don't love him.

-I suppose that delights you.

-Not at all. I'm sorry, I liked the chap.

-But you've never met him.

-Of course I've met him. I called at his house yesterday to deliver that note.

-Oh, that's not the man.

-Not the man?

No, that's the American I met in London in a cab.

Well, whoever he is, I told him you were potty about him.

-I gave him my blessing.

-You told him I was...?

Oh!

-Then that's why.

-Why what?

-Why he kissed me.

-Naturally.

-Father, you don't understand. I slapped him.

-Naturally.

-He's a stranger.

-But he's not a stranger.

That is, in a way he is, and he isn't.

I realised in a flash that I love him. I can't help myself.

-I know you think I'm crazy.

-Love him?

-But you said you didn't.

-I didn't say I didn't, I said I did.

-But now he won't want anything to do with me any more.

-Why?

Because you slapped him? What rot!

Why, your mother used to slap me frequently before we got engaged.

You think I minded? Course I didn't!

Showed she was beginning to take an interest in me.

Every time I kissed her, she slapped me. Every time she slapped me, she apologised.

And every time she apologised, I kissed her again

and before long, there we were in a private suite

shaking the confetti out of our hair.

-Do you think I ought to apologise?

-Well, he might kiss you again!

Suppose he didn't. I mean, suppose he didn't forgive me?

-He'll forgive you. Everything will end happily and I shall come along and dance at your wedding.

-Father!

You go along and do your apologising.

I've got to get this snail.

-Hello, Keggs.

-M'lady.

Come here, you.

I want a few words with you in private.

Eavesdropping is a low habit his lordship will not tolerate

and so, young idiot Albert, I'm forced to give you the sack.

Please, Mr Keggs, let me off this once.

Well, I'm soft-hearted and would hate to ruin a lad's prospects.

-Promise you won't do it again?

-Word of honour.

Very well.

Thank you, Mr Keggs.

Oh, by the way,

-do you happen to have that ticket? The one marked "Mr X"?

-Yes.

-Would you mind exchanging it for the one marked "Mr Reggie"?

-No chance.

Just as you please.

But, on second thoughts, I'll have to discharge you after all.

Pity it is too, being dismissed without a character,

breaking your poor old mother's heart.

It's men like you what lead half the crimes in the country! Here.

-Thank you.

-Thank you.

HE HUMS A CHEERFUL TUNE

What are you so cheerful about?

We're going to Paris!

What are you so cheerful about?

We're going to Paris.

I suppose you'd like to stay here

and play Leonard so you can save Lady Alyce again, huh?

-I never want to see her again.

-She's here.

-Who?

-The girl who slapped you.

-Where?

On the jaw.

She's coming up the lane.

Let's go outside.

-The man is in love. He wants to be by himself with the girl he loves.

-George, I didn't know you liked me!

-This is so sudden. Come on.

-Oh.

Hello.

-How do you do?

-May I come in?

Is there something I can do for you?

-I suppose it seems very odd, my coming here like this.

-Not at all.

Neighbourly. Won't you have a seat?

Um...no, thank you. I can only stay a moment.

I'd feel safer if you were sitting.

-I just wanted to speak to you.

-You've come just in time.

-I'm leaving for Paris immediately.

-You're never coming back?

You can always buy a punching bag.

But that's what I came to speak to you about.

I, um...came to say that I'm sorry I slapped you.

You see, Father's just explained everything to me

and I understand how it happened.

Oh, I see. You father explained to you why you slapped me.

No, no!

Things are frightfully mixed up.

Father made a mistake about you.

Then after he spoke to you yesterday, well,

-you naturally thought you were somebody else.

-Naturally.

I didn't know, of course. I thought you were being yourself.

Then Father explained he thought you were the other man

and how were you to know I didn't mean you? Do you understand?

-Perfectly.

-And you see why I slapped you?

Let me get this straight.

-Whom did you slap? Me or the other fella?

-Why, you!

-Who's the other fella?

-Jeffrey.

Jeffrey? Who's he?

An American I met in Switzerland about a year ago.

Oh.

They don't want me to marry him.

That's why they locked me up to keep me from seeing him.

Oh, I see. Your father thought I was he.

Naturally, I thought he meant me.

I see.

Well, I'm afraid I've made an awful fool of myself.

No. No, you haven't.

-And this chap, um...Egbert?

-Jeffrey.

-Jeffrey.

-He's the man you love?

-No.

No.

What do you mean, "No"?

Look, I-I suddenly realised that...that I didn't love Jeffrey.

All that had just been a schoolgirl crush

and the reason that was so clear was, well...

I suddenly realised that...that...

I love somebody.

A third man?

No.

Will you please stop saying no and talk sense?

You're just about the stupidest man I ever met.

How I fell in love with you, I'll never understand!

-Did I hear correctly? Did you just say...?

-Yes.

-Well, are you sure it's me?

-Yes.

Well, when did you first feel this, what you just said, coming on?

-Yesterday, in a flash, right after I slapped you.

-Whoa!

Then slapping me made you love me.

Yes.

Darling, slap me again.

# If I should suddenly start to sing

# Or stand on my head or anything

# Don't think that I've lost my senses

# It's just that my happiness finally commences

# The long, long ages of dull despair

# Are turning into thin air

# And it seems that suddenly I've

# Become the happiest man alive

# Things are looking up

# I've been looking the landscape over

# And it's covered with four-leaf clover

# Oh, things are looking up

# Since love looked up at me

# Bitter was my cup

# But no more will I be the mourner

# For I've certainly turned the corner

# Oh, things are looking up

# Since love looked up at me

# See the sunbeams

# Everyone beams

# Just because of you

# Love's in session

# And my depression

# Is unmistakably through

# Things are looking up

# It's a great little world we live in

# Oh, I'm happy as a pup

# Since love looked up at me... #

When am I going to see you again?

I do wish you could come to the ball tonight.

To see you, I'd risk Aunt Caroline's bloodhounds.

Father will help you get in. Besides, there'll be so many people, I'm sure no-one would notice you.

I'll be there.

Bye!

MADRIGAL SINGERS SING IN CHORUS

Beg your pardon, sir. A lady and gentleman have just arrived.

-The lady said I was to mention the tunnel of love.

-Oh, yes!

Right-ho.

Uncle John? Let me introduce Miss Allan, Mr Burns.

-My Uncle, Lord Marshmoreton.

-How do you do?

-Swell crowd here tonight.

-Must be taking in a lot of shillings.

-Gracie, we're guests.

-I know.

-Mother, these are my friends, Miss Allan, Mr Burns.

-How do you do?

-How do?

-Well, come along.

Now, you wait here

and I'll go and get that surprise I told you about at the fair.

Miss Allan, is he coming here tonight, your friend, Mr Halliday?

Oh, sure he's not coming here. You know why?

He wasn't invited. That's why, Lord Marshmallow.

-Gracie, it's Marshmoreton, not Marshmallow.

-That's what I said!

-Marshmallow.

-Look, Gracie, Marshmallows are soft and mushy.

Please, George! You don't know the gentleman well enough to say that!

-I'm sorry. Would you explain that, please?

-Certainly.

Miss Allan, have you seen a toasted marshmallow?

No, but I'm dying to see you that way. I'll bet you're a scream!

Well, here we go.

TROMBONES PLAY A SWING TUNE

John, I insist you make Reggie stop that noise.

Noise? It's dance music.

-Swing!

-Swing?

-In Tottley Castle?

-It's time the old place was brightened up a bit.

Oh! ..Oh, how do you do? I'm so glad to see you.

Oh, you're grand!

-Really? Well, thanks.

-Yes. Oh, you're a beautiful dancer.

-Thank you.

-Thank you.

-If it weren't for two things, you'd be a TERRIFIC dancer.

-What's that?

Your feet!

Pardon me.

Makes my heart glad to see your ladyship so happy tonight.

Why, Albert!

-Your ladyship...

-ALBERT SOBS

Oh, goodness gracious, Albert. What's the matter?

Your ladyship...

Oh! I can't tell you!

Oh, course you can.

I won't give you away to Keggs.

-Have you been eating green apples again?

-No.

No, it's not that, it's my heart!

Your heart?

-Are you in love?

-No.

But you are with someone not worthy of your attention.

Oh!

And I helped bring you together!

That's what hurts! Oh!

What do you mean?

That American. That Halliday!

Look what he went and wrote about you!

Nice, young, respectable fellow I thought he was.

I heard your ladyship was keen on him and did all I could to help.

I should have busted his bloomin' head in when I first seen him, that's what!

And I've a good mind to do it!

There, there, Albert. You won't have to. Don't cry any more.

Good evening, Mr Keggs!

You're uncommonly gay, young Albert. Any reason?

Wouldn't you like to know?

-Did I hear there was £10 in the pot?

-Yes. What of it?

You wouldn't know what to do with all that money, Mr Keggs.

-Find Father and tell him not to admit Mr Halliday.

-Yes, m'lady.

-And tell him I never want to see the gentleman again.

-Yes, m'lady.

JERRY WHISTLES "A FOGGY DAY"

# I was a stranger in the city

# Out of town were the people I knew

# I had that feeling of self-pity

# What to do, what to do What to do?

# The outlook was decidedly blue

# But as I walked through the foggy streets alone

# It turned out to be the luckiest day I've known

# A foggy day

# In London town

# Had me low

# And had me down

# I viewed the morning with alarm

# The British Museum had lost its charm

# How long, I wondered

# Could this thing last?

# But the age of miracles hadn't passed

# For suddenly, I saw you there

# And through foggy London town

# The sun was shining

# Everywhere... #

# ..How long, I wondered

# Could this thing last?

# But the age of miracles hadn't passed

# For suddenly, I saw you there

# And through foggy London town

# The sun was shining

# Everywhere. #

-Excuse me, your lordship, are you watching for a Mr Halliday?

-Sh!

-Yes.

-Lady Alyce told me to tell you he was not to be admitted.

-What?

-She never wants to see him again.

Thank you, m'lord.

Yoiks, yoiks, yoiks!

Sorry, sir, you're not to be admitted.

Oh, I see.

Good evening, Mr Halliday.

Good evening, Keggs.

-It is indeed a pleasure to see you, sir.

-A pleasure to see you too.

Nothing would please me more than to assist you, Mr Halliday.

-Do you feel all right?

-Why, on a romantic night like this? Yes, sir.

Keggs, just what's on your mind?

Um...you, um...wish to see Lady Alyce, of course.

-I do.

-Very well. I'm happy to relate

that I'm now in a position to extend to you a helping hand.

You didn't exactly give me that impression the last time.

No. Since then there's been a readjustment of matters close to me.

As a result of which,

Lady Alyce's wishes and yours are very close to my heart.

Keggs, I have always felt that beneath that macabre exterior,

there lies a heart of gold.

Thank you, sir. Do you mind slipping in through the music room door?

# The man who only lives for making money

# Lives a life that isn't necessarily sunny

# Likewise the man who works for fame

# There's no guarantee that time won't erase his name

# The fact is

# The only work that really brings enjoyment

# Is the kind that is for girl and boy meant

# Fall in love You won't regret it

# That's the best work of all If you can get it

# Holding hands at midnight

# 'Neath a starry sky

# Whoa

# Nice work if you can get it

# And you can get it if you try

# Strolling with the one girl

# Sighing sigh after sigh

# Boy, it is

# Nice work if you can get it

# And you can get it if you try If you try

# Just imagine someone

# Waiting at the cottage door

# Where two hearts become one

# Who could ask for anything more? Zip-doo-doo

# Loving one who loves you

# And then taking that vow

# Nice work if you can get it

# And if you get it

# Won't you tell me how?

# Holding hands at midnight

-# 'Neath a starry sky... #

-Charlie's pretending he's a singer!

-A little louder, Gracie. Everybody didn't hear you.

-All right.

Jerry's pretending he's... Ow!

# ..Strolling with the one girl

# Sighing sigh after sigh

# Nice work if you can get it

# And you can get it if you try

-# Oh-oh

-Just imagine someone

-# Waiting at the cottage door

-At the cottage door

# Where two hearts become one

# Loving one who loves you

# And then taking that vow

# It's nice work if you can get it

# And if you get it

# Won't. You. Tell. Me

# Ho-o-o-o-w? #

Alyce.

I got in.

So I see.

Yes, but it was very difficult. Why didn't you come to help me?

Oh, I just thought I wouldn't.

-You just thought...?

-I changed my mind.

-I don't understand.

Well, I was a little too tired to come down, I'm awfully lazy,

and, um... it did seem a lot of trouble.

-What's happened? What's caused this sudden change in you?

-Change?

-Why, yes. This afternoon...

-Surely you didn't take that seriously!

Imagine, man of the world like you! Do you believe everything a girl tells you?

Yes, when it's a girl like you.

How simple you are.

I can't believe this is you.

Yes, it is.

And when you're leaving, you'll find the front door much more convenient than my balcony.

You might fall and break your neck

and if that happened...

I wouldn't even notice it.

No, it's you.

Yes, it is. At least I think it is. I'm not quite sure.

Albert, have you ever been in an earthquake?

-No.

-Well, I've just been in one. It's a very interesting experience.

Going great, then all of a sudden, the bottom drops out of the world.

Albert, my boy, we were misinformed.

-Huh?

-I mean regarding the state of Lady Alyce's feelings.

You were mistaken, Father was mistaken, I was mistaken.

Now I find she was mistaken.

She does not love me.

-Did she say so?

-She did and in no uncertain terms.

Shall I tell you something, mister?

Yes, my boy. Make it funny - I need a laugh.

You aren't the first to have this happen. She does it to all boys.

Well, that's some consolation.

Toodle-oo.

Albert?

Well, my little man. I've got some good news for you.

-Thank you, Mr Keggs.

-I'm going to give you back your original ticket.

-That's fair enough, isn't it?

-But I don't want Mr Halliday!

-You do.

Or would you like me to remember that I caught you eavesdropping?

-Thank you.

-Thank you.

Ahem!

-Well, um...now how are you getting along?

-Oh, just wonderful.

-Reggie made up his mind.

-Good.

-I don't know if she'll have me.

-Why don't you ask her?

You always ask a girl first.

-I don't know how to do these things gracefully.

-Maybe I can help.

Just sit right down. Right there.

That's it.

Now, I sit on your lap like this.

Gracie, you sit right there.

-Oh, isn't this fun?

-This is fun.

Well, now, just carry on from there.

Well, um... now that that's over with,

-will you marry me?

-Yes.

Did you say marry YOU?

Yes.

Well, certainly.

Well, um...

Thank you.

Thank you.

George!

-Yes?

-We've just become engaged. What do we do now?

-A little kiss?

Oh, I'd be glad to.

Would you play this, please? It's a request.

Certainly, Albert.

ORCHESTRA PLAYS A GENTLE TUNE

# Ah... #

Good evening, sir.

HE SINGS IN ITALIAN

HIS VOICE GETS LOUDER AND DEEPER

HE SINGS DRAMATICALLY

SINGING PAUSES

MUSIC AND SINGING BUILD TO A CRESCENDO

ORCHESTRA PLAYS SEDATE MUSIC

Good evening, sir.

I asked you not to let him in.

You change your mind so often, I thought I'd make it up for you.

I believe you're moonstruck.

Your poor mother always got very eccentric around a full moon.

Used to write poetry about elves and gnomes and things.

Father, would you mind if we didn't dance any more?

I've got a headache. I'm going to my room.

Stop it.

-Who me?

-Yes, you.

Letting the girl you love walk past you with no effort to stop her.

The spirit of Leonard! Pah!

Well, I couldn't make a flying tackle, could I? I don't love her!

Nonsense! Of course you love her. I suppose she said she doesn't love you. My dear boy!

Her mother told me that a hundred times!

And you married her?

Well, you see, I, um... Of course I married her.

At St George's, Hanover Square.

In a dashed tight pair of trousers, I remember.

If it isn't too personal, how did you convince her?

By being firm, dash it! Firm! Resolute! Ruthless!

-Oh, hello.

-Hello, John.

Alyce is just like her mother -

always changing her mind.

First the ski-jumper, then you. In my case it was a skating instructor.

He was the most conceited, arrogant, supercilious...

Oh, I'm sorry. ..What I'm driving at is Alyce needs a lesson,

just as her mother did, and I gave it to her. I dashed to her room

and I said, "Emmeline, I mean business."

Oh, I see.

You'll find her in the sitting room now.

Though you may not imagine it, my boy, I had a reputation of being quite a fellow with the ladies.

I can tell you an episode with a tobacconist's assistant that, um...

Well, that's neither here nor there. Go to her.

And I'm glad I've not been too subtle.

Oh, um...do you think Lady Caroline will approve of this?

Never you mind about Caroline. You do your part, I'll take care of her.

Right-ho.

Oh, Thomas?

-Yes, m'lord.

-Find Lady Caroline.

-Tell her to see me in the library. It's important.

-Very good, m'lord.

-KNOCK AT DOOR Who's there?

-Opportunity.

And it only knocks once.

-What are you doing here?

-I shall need time to explain.

And also a little privacy.

Palma, stay here.

Palma, go.

-Go!

-Oh!

-This is much better. You and I, here alone.

-Get out of here.

Oh, no.

I mean business!

I demand that you leave immediately.

I'm not the kind of fellow to be led on and then pushed aside,

just another one of those fish you've caught, reeled up and then given a slap.

This time, the fish jumps out of the water and bites YOU!

Are you mad?

Yes. About you. I'm like the Northwest Mounted Police.

I always get my girl.

-Get out of here.

-Oh, anger makes you even more beautiful, Alyce.

-I imagine you'll be interesting, after I get to know you.

-Oh!

What do you expect to accomplish by this?

You're the sort of girl who has to have her mind made up for her.

And I am going to bend you to my will.

I see. It ought to make a good story for the papers.

You...you wine press!

-Wine press?

-Beneath whose feet, women's hearts are crushed like grapes in a wine press.

-Where did you get that?

-I read it.

-In a newspaper?

-Yes.

-Oh!

And despite the fact that it might spoil your publicity,

I'm not going to be number 28.

Oh...this is the reason you changed your mind about me.

Yes.

Well, it's entirely untrue and not one of these women exists,

-except in his horrible imagination.

-Whose?

That wine-press agent of mine! The idiot!

Oh, Alyce. I can't tell you how sorry I am you've been in this.

Number 28!

Well, I wouldn't have minded being number 28,

if it weren't for the other 27.

-I beg your pardon, m'lady.

-What is it?

-Something very odd in Lady Alyce's room.

-Quite. I understand.

You can go, Palma. Well, go, go, go!

You see.

-In half an hour, it'll be all over the house.

-What ARE we to do?

There's never been a scandal in Tottney Castle.

If I remember correctly, 150 years ago, Lord Leonard was seen slipping into Lady Marshmoreton's room.

It had quite slipped my memory.

Oh!

Don't you recollect, John? They subsequently married.

Do you seriously suggest Alyce should marry that awful bounder Halliday?

Of course! There's nothing else to do,

otherwise we'll be centuries living down this scandal.

Come, John. We will act.

Now, how will we break the good news to Aunt Caroline?

-Father ought to tell her after we tell him.

-Father!

Yes, he doesn't believe in letting boy scouts do all the good deeds,

-this is his chance.

-Good old Father!

-KNOCK AT DOOR

Alyce! Open the door, please.

-She mustn't find you. It'll ruin everything.

-But we're to be married.

Yes, but if she finds you, she won't understand and we'll never marry.

Alyce! Open the door, please.

-W-Well, what can I do? Hide?

-You can't, they'll find you.

-Alyce!

Alyce!

-What shall I do?

-Do it again.

-Do what again?

-The leap. Leonard's Leap.

-Leap?

-Yes!

Oh. Oh!

Of course, the leap.

But isn't there some other way that we could...

Hurry! Hurry!

-This one out here?

-Yes, that one.

KNOCKING CONTINUES

Oh, you mean over here?

Yes! Hurry!

Wait!

-He's done it again.

-What a man!

Young man, come back.

-Are you all right?

-Come back.

-Into the house.

-Me?

You ought to be ashamed of yourself, Alyce! The scandal! Consider us.

(OK. I'll come inside.)

You know, you only go on a honeymoon once. Wouldn't you like Paris for a few days, then Venice,