Annie Oakley

Who you voting for this November, Sheriff?

-Me?

-Yes.

James G Blaine.

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

Eph here is casting his ballot for Grover Cleveland.

No?!

You voting for that New York Copperhead?

You bet your life I be,

and he's going to beat the breeches off of your Mr Blaine.

Lem! Lookit.

Slapping stickem all over your walls.

Well, you've got a gall,

smearing up Darke County with them consarned stickers.

Well, a man's gotta make a living.

Well, I can't help that.

You take that ding-busted thing down off of my wall.

Why, even the side of a man's cow

ain't safe from you fellows nowadays.

Go on, take it down.

Go on, take it down.

Lem, let's see the top half of it.

All right, hitch up the rest of him.

If Annie Oakley likes him, he stays up.

If she don't, down he comes.

Gosh, ain't he pretty?

All right, leave him up.

Who is he, Annie?

Toby Walker. He's the greatest shot in the whole world.

Maybe at trick shooting, Annie,

but I'll bet he ain't one-two-three with you on quail.

Oh, Lem, I just point a gun at them.

Say, that big hotel in Cinci's

still begging for some of your birds.

-You got some for me today?

-Sure, six dozen.

All dressed and picked.

Bet at 50 yards, she can knock the eye out of a bumblebee.

Yeah?

Yeah. Them quail she shoots don't know what hits them.

Slab in the head every time.

Supported her folks pretty near five years on that gun of hers.

Wish I could shoot that way.

Wish you could. We'd have law and order in this county.

Sheriff!

Do you remember the time you aimed at a chicken thief...

-Yeah...

-..and killed a hog?

Killed...

Mr And Mrs Quail, won't you walk into my broiler?

Yes, sir and ma'am, a warm welcome sure do await you.

Oh, my!

I's going to baptise you slow in hot butter.

Hot butter!

And put you to sleep in a bed of rice.

# Sleep on, sweet quail! #

Say, boy, how many of those quails you done already counted?

-26.

-Well, forget to count about four of them.

Don't you think I like quail myself?

-I done already uncounted eight.

-That's right.

Boys!

Uh-oh.

Your bad arithmetic's going to get you in trouble one of these days.

Them quails ain't no good, Mr MacIvor. They full of buckshot.

Not these quail. They cost me fancy prices.

The hunter always hits them in the head.

That's right, boss. That hunter sure is a shooting fool.

I want you boys to outcook yourselves on these quail.

The Mayor is giving this banquet for Toby Walker.

Yes, sir, and it'll be fit for a king, too.

It better be. Mr Walker is very particular.

Well, Toby Walker, I hereby pronounce you

a member of Buffalo Bill's happy family.

Yep, you've done a good day's work, Jeff.

Yes, I think so. I think my partner will think so, too.

Colonel Cody and I don't sign up any second-raters, only champions.

So, you're a champion shooter, huh? I don't believe it.

Take it easy. That's Toby Walker.

Never heard of him. Bet I could beat him myself.

What are you laughing at?

Well, maybe he could. We haven't seen you shoot yet.

Well, money talks, Cap.

Your shooting rate's pretty high around here.

Why don't you take me on?

I'm only an amateur.

I don't want any contest with you, Walker.

I'll lay you 3-to-1, and you can name your own targets and distance.

Take him on, Cap. He may not be so good.

Sure, Cap. You're a good shot.

Take him on, Cap.

Ain't there one sport in this burg?

I'll give you 4-to-1.

Could you make that 5-to-1, Mr Walker?

Look, Mac, you better keep out of this.

We ain't betting marbles. This is for money.

Oh, is that a fact?

I believe I've got someone that might make it interesting for you.

How about a little side bet of 100 to make it more interesting?

100, eh? No, I don't think that would interest me, but...

..200 should do it.

Mac, it's a bet.

But you'll have to see my new boss here to arrange the details.

Well, would tomorrow morning at the Gun Club suit you gentlemen?

It's a go. Let's have a drink on it. Oscar, set them up, on the house.

ALL: On the house!

Well, Mac...

Beers all around. And make mine a short one.

Make mine a champagne cocktail.

-I'll take champagne, too.

-Make mine champagne, too.

All right, Oscar, I'll have a champagne cocktail.

Mac, if I hadn't been here to see this, I wouldn't have believed it.

Put it back. I've lost my thirst.

What's the matter, Mac? Are you mourning?

Yeah, for his 200.

Oh, that's no' for ladies.

Oh, I'm no lady.

Pardon me, miss, this is a saloon.

Oh, how cosy.

I've lived for 60 years

and that's the first time I ever saw a woman going into a saloon.

The next thing you know, they will be smoking cigarettes.

Talk sense, man, talk sense.

-Here's to Toby Walker.

-ALL: Here's to Toby Walker!

Well, gentlemen, I hardly know what to...

Hello, honey. Getting your hair curled?

What's the matter? Don't I get introduced?

Allow me, gents. The great Toby Walker and Company.

I nearly forgot what time it is.

They're probably yelling for me at the theatre. I...

Come on, get out of here.

Seems there's nothing sacred any more.

In all my born days I've never seen such gall.

What are you trying to do,

make a jackass out of me in front of my public?

-Aw, honey!

-Don't honey me. You're too dang fresh.

Toby Walker, you're supposed to be a sharpshooter,

and you can't even see a willing gal right under your own nose.

-I can see anything I'm aiming at.

-Yeah, I know.

You only go high, wide and handsome for the lady swells,

like you claim you was with Sarah Bernhardt.

Let's leave Miss Bernhardt's name out of this.

Bernhardt. You never knowed her well enough to carry her trunks.

Listen, Vera, I think you're a swell little trouper.

Now, let's leave it like that.

You've got your ticket back to New York and two weeks' extra pay.

I'd keep you in the act if I could,

but there just ain't no place in the Buffalo Bill show for a gal.

Well, sharpshooter, I got to hand it to you.

You sure got the power to resist a beautiful woman.

Well, don't take it too much to heart, little girl.

Maybe I'm doing you a favour.

You know, Lillie Langtry couldn't act for sour apples

till I turned her down.

Talk louder, will you, Lem? I can't hear you.

Blast these newfangled instruments of torture.

Hello? Oh, Lem, Lem. Just a minute.

Hello, Lem. Lem, I want you to get a hold of that quail-shooter,

the one that sells you the birds you send up here.

I've got a shooting match.

A shoot... A shooting match, Lem.

Aye. If he wins, there's 50 in it for him.

Yes, I said 30. What did you say his name is?

Shake up the telephone, Lem. I can't hear a word.

What? Oh, Oakley. Andy Oakley?

All right, Lem, all right. Have him here in the morning

Oh, Lem, Lem, Lem, and make certain sure he's sober.

Aye, aye.

All ready, Joe?

Bend down, please. I want to see the sign.

Everybody ready?

Smile.

Smile bigger.

That's fine.

That's fine. That's a beauty.

-Well, don't they know you're here?

-Come on, Ma.

-Who's shooting against you, Mr Walker?

-Fella by the name of Oakley.

A rube from the tall timber, by crackey!

Well, good luck to you.

Well, we'll have some fun, anyway.

If he ever gets here.

Hey, Mac, better get your man here. I can't wait all day.

Oh, he'll be here all right. He's had a long ways to come.

Well, I'll go down and warm up a bit.

I'm waiting to see that dark horse, Mac.

And the longer we wait, the longer Mac keeps that 200.

Anyone that can hit quail in the head with a single ball

-can shoot for my money.

-Are you looking for me? My name is Oakley.

Oakley?

-Where is your father?

-Well, he's dead.

Dead?

-When did it happen?

-Oh, a long time ago.

-Then where is your brother?

-This is my brother.

And this is my sister Susie and this is Ma.

Excuse me.

I am looking for an Andy Oakley, who's been supplying me with game.

Oh, I guess you made a mistake, mister. Not Andy Oakley. Annie.

It's me you sent for.

You?

A joke's a joke, but this one is just a little too practical.

But it's not a joke. I want to bet my own money.

Show him what you've got, Ma.

Lem sent down 10 and Sheriff Bixby sent down 5,

and a lot of other people chipped in. 37 in all.

Yes, sirree.

Then forget about it. There's not going to be any contest.

Maybe you can settle for half, Mac.

You mean just because I'm not a man, you ain't going to let me shoot?

That's perfectly all right, Miss Oakley.

You're going to get your chance. The bet still stands.

But I'll discount it and pay off right away, Mr Hogarth.

Oh, no, you don't. The whole hog or nothing at all.

And I'm speaking for Toby Walker, too.

-Toby Walker?

-Mm-hm. You're in big company now, Miss Oakley.

Oh, I couldn't shoot against Toby Walker.

Oh, now, you mustn't be afraid. You just do the best you can.

Just pretend you're shooting quail.

Oh, I ain't scared he could beat me.

It's just that it don't seem reasonable.

Of course it isn't.

But we're going through with it just the same.

Ma, can I have the money?

Would... Would you bet the money for me?

Oh, yes, of course I'll bet it for you.

Och!

Here's yours, Annie.

Here. They don't belong to you.

Here's a seat for you, Mrs Oakley.

Hey, don't meddle with those guns.

Oh, I'm sorry, mister, but whenever I see a gun, I always...

What's a kid like you know about guns?

I got one here. It was clean through the Civil War.

Well, gee... Well...

Well, gee whiz, don't tell me you shoot with a thing like that?

Of course I do.

What do you shoot? Doodlebugs?

You hang around, kid, and you'll see some shooting that is shooting.

I figured on seeing some tall shooting,

otherwise I wouldn't be here.

Up from the sticks to see me make a monkey out of that Oakley?

The shootingest monkey you ever saw,

and we got 37 says so.

No! About all the ready cash in that county, I suppose.

Bring on that hickory-nut-knocker.

Mr Walker, meet Miss Hickory-Nut-Knocker.

-What?

-Your opponent, Miss Annie Oakley.

What do you mean?

Hey, MacIvor, is this your idea of a joke,

asking me to shoot against a half-baked kid, and a girl at that?

Now, if you'd like to call off the bet...

He's right, Mr MacIvor.

He'd look awful silly if I beat him in front of all these folks.

Beat me! Why, you...

Get those targets ready. Beat me!

Make him earn his money, Annie.

I was wondering, Mr MacIvor,

if you could help me find some plain sewing.

Well, I don't know about needlework,

but I've got a cigar stand at the hotel...

Oh, I love a man who smokes a cigar.

Mind you, the job only calls for selling cigars.

As the challenger, you shoot first. Start with the end target.

Yes, sir.

Clear the range, boys.

All right.

You started at the wrong end.

-That's all right. Set it up again.

-Set them up.

First pot-shot I ever took.

All right, Mr Walker.

This is too easy. Give us something to shoot at.

Certainly. We'll use moving targets, if it's agreeable with Miss Oakley.

Well, I never shot a quail while it was sitting down.

All right, miss.

Get in the pit, boys.

You'll shoot alternately.

The first one to miss will lose the contest.

-Is that all right with you?

-Yes.

-And you, Mr Walker?

-Fine.

And you, Mr MacIvor?

It's fine with me.

Just call "Ready".

-Ready.

-Throw!

A hit!

Good shot.

-That was well done, little lady.

-Thank you, sir.

-Ready.

-Throw!

A hit.

Good shot.

-Ready.

-Throw!

A hit.

-Ready.

-Throw!

-Ready.

-Throw!

-Ready.

-Throw!

-Ready.

-Throw!

Hey, Hogarth, you signed up the wrong shooter.

You better look for another job, Toby. There goes your championship.

-Ready.

-Throw!

Hogarth, you better get that contract back,

in case the girl beats Toby.

-So, you're the champ!

-LAUGHTER

Quiet, please, gentlemen.

Ready, Miss Oakley?

Honey, I hope you ain't going to be the cause

of that young man losing his position.

Don't worry, Ma. I ain't going to be.

-Ready.

-Throw!

A miss!

-Ready.

-Throw!

A hit!

Sister, don't take it too much to heart.

You gave me about as good a match as anybody does.

Thanks, Mr Walker.

You know, you've got possibilities.

It's too bad I won't be around to give you a few pointers.

Come on, Ma, let's go home.

Everybody! Everybody up to the bar! The drinks are on me!

All right, Fritz, it's on me. Beers for everybody.

-Make mine a champagne cocktail.

-I'll have champagne, too!

I don't see how she could have lost.

Newt said she tied him shot for shot right up till the very last.

I never knew her to miss a shot before.

You'd better break the news to them, Annie.

I'll keep an eye on the young'uns.

Hello, Annie.

-Howdy, Annie.

-Good evening.

I'm going to pay you folks back the money I lost

if it takes a whole winter's shooting.

Oh, forget it, Annie. You done the best you could.

-Sure you did.

-You bet.

That's just it, I didn't.

Now, Annie, you don't know what you're saying.

I know, all right, and I'm going to fess up.

I missed that last shot a purpose.

You missed it a purpose?!

Yes, I did.

I couldn't beat that fella. I didn't have the heart to.

He was...

He was just too pretty.

-Hello, Miss Oakley.

-Hello.

Mrs Oakley. You know, in all the excitement,

I completely forgot to get that bet of yours covered.

When I remembered, I had to chase all this way to find you.

-Honest, you didn't bet the money?

-No, I didn't.

Gee, now I can pay back the boys.

Just a minute. There's something else I wanted to see you about.

Mrs Oakley, this daughter of yours

is one of the finest shots I've ever seen.

We're mighty proud of her.

And we'd be mighty proud to have her with the Buffalo Bill show.

Buffalo Bill?

Yes, you see, I'm a partner of Colonel Cody's.

Well, I hope you ain't suggesting

that Annie go gallivanting around the country

with a lot of cowboys and wild Injuns.

Well, you'd like that, wouldn't you, Annie?

But what would Ma and the kids do without me?

We'd pay you good money.

Just think of it, Annie Oakley in the greatest shooting act in the country,

billed right next to Toby Walker.

You don't mean he's going to be there?

Every day for the next two years, rain or shine.

Mister, it's a deal.

Reckon the first thing you'd better know about this outfit

is how I figure on running it.

This is a real Wild West show

with he-men doing the things they did on the plains.

Now, if you're carrying any sleight of hand up your sleeve,

you'd better forget it.

I want the real, genuine article or nothing

That's what you're getting, Colonel.

And, naturally, I expect to get billed right up there on top.

I don't suppose you'd mind, Walker,

if we put Buffalo Bill's name on the posters, too(?)

Oh, I think that'd be all right.

No hard feelings, Colonel, just a little friendly chat.

-Ach!

-What?

Now, you wait here until I break the news to the Colonel.

-I hope he likes me.

-How could he help it?

Well, you old horse-thief. About time you turned up.

I'm sorry. I was a little delayed, Bill.

I should think you would be.

Probably ashamed to show your face

after sending me that New York buckaroo.

Who? Toby Walker? Why, he's the greatest shot on earth.

With the exception, maybe, of a gunslinger I've just signed up.

Another one? Well, what's his name?

-Annie.

-Annie?

What in tarnation do you think we're running around here,

a danged burlesque?

Calm yourself, Bill. Annie Oakley's as good a shot as any man I ever saw.

Did I hear someone call my name?

Colonel Cody, meet Miss Annie Oakley.

Well, dog my cats!

-How do, little missy?

-Howdy.

And, Bill, she shoots as pretty as she looks.

Maybe so,

but I never knowed any woman

could shoot good enough to join this outfit.

They say you're a mighty fine shot yourself, Mr Buffalo Bill.

How much you got says I can't beat you?

Well, bust my buttons, how much you got says you can?

Say, now, hold on, wait a minute.

With a woman who can outshoot most men,

why, she'd soon be the greatest attraction in our show.

Maybe you're right. But how would it look on the billing?

"Buffalo Bill's blood-curdling Wild West show

"with the dainty Annie Oakley."

You know, Bill, you're a downright chicken liver when it comes to women.

No, it ain't that, Jeff. It's... Well, it's the boys.

To tell you the truth,

I ain't got the gumption to go out there and tell them.

Well, you leave that to me.

Boys, now that we're all here...

What I mean is I've brought you all together because...

well, you see...

This is kind of in the nature of an occasion and...

And I...

Well, boys, I want you to...

I really want you to...

You tell them, Jeff. It was your idea.

Well, I've got some good news for you, boys.

The Colonel and I have decided that what this outfit really needs

is an uplifting influence.

And what could be more uplifting than the presence among us

of a fine, high-minded little woman?

Here she is, boys.

The newest member of our happy family, Miss Annie Oakley.

MUTTERING

That's all, boys.

-What could she do in a show like this?

-I don't like this, anyway.

Well, I can get a job with Pawnee Bill.

What could a woman do in a show like this?

Come on, Annie. I'll show you the papooses.

Yes, little missy, we're all just one big, happy family.

Here we are.

This way, missy.

Perfume.

Dang it, you smell like Happy Minnie's back in Omaha.

The Colonel's had me out there sleeping with the horses.

Judging from the turnout, I guess you boys see the light.

All right, fellas, what do you say?

-ALL:

-Howdy, Miss Oakley.

Well, that sounds mighty good, boys. Now, let me tell you something,

someday you're going to be darn proud to say you knew Annie Oakley.

That's right. Take it from one who knows.

Miss Oakley, I want you to meet that old scallywag Ned Buntline,

-my press agent.

-Howdy.

Howdy, little lady.

It's up to you to put her across, Ned.

You might even write her into one of those dime novels

you write about the Colonel there.

Sure thing, if it's all right with the Colonel.

How's this?

When she was just a little tyke,

Bill here saved her from Chief Sitting Bull's redskins.

Sitting Bull?

Why, sure thing, Colonel.

Sitting Bull's worth five cents of any man's dime novel.

The papers say old Bull's in Washington,

calling on the great white father.

We've got to grab him, Jeff.

Great way to start our season if we got him out the opening night.

Not to see the show, to join the show.

Well, that's tall thinking, Bill.

Why drag in a dirty Sioux to mess up a good outfit?

He might forget himself and saw off another massacre.

Surely Mr Bull's learned some manners

since he chawed up General Custer.

Of course he has.

Besides, folks will pay good money to see him.

Out in the woods, maybe,

but as long as you play these eastern spots,

Toby Walker's the lad who will pack your arena.

You can see for yourself, Annie,

you're in the safest possible neighbourhood.

That's where Major Buntline lives,

that's my tent, right next to Colonel Cody's quarters.

And that's where you live.

Oh, a chiffonier! And flowers, too!

Oh, I do want to thank you for everything.

Don't thank me.

Mr Hogarth, then.

Well, I thought a few flowers might help.

Oh, it's wonderful.

Good night, Annie. Sleep tight.

Good night. Good night, Colonel.

Good night, Annie.

Hey, what's this?

Hey, you. Razorback.

What's eating you, Jeff?

Listen...

What's the matter?

Oh, nothing an old bullwhacker like you would understand. Come on.

The main thing for you boys to remember is never get discouraged.

Now, when I think about how I started in that shooting gallery,

nothing seems impossible.

Whenever the boss would go out,

I'd just keep popping away until finally I was...

-the best there was.

-ALL: The best there was...

Nope. The best there is.

Whereabouts was this shooting gallery?

The Bowery.

The Bowery! What do you know about that?

A Bowery cowboy!

Boys, I just had to make this jaunt...

..to show you western monkeys how to shoot.

That bronc's begging to be busted.

Hello, cowboy.

Hey, what's going on here?

A little change in the layout, Mr Walker.

Mr Hogarth's fixed you a place all by yourself.

The other side of the buffalo corral.

Well, now, ain't that thoughtful of him?

Well, maybe I shouldn't let them buckaroos

sleep close to these firearms.

One of them might go off and scare my little playmates.

Mr Walker, I've been thinking,

I guess you thought I was sort of fresh coming up to Cincinnati

to shoot against you.

Why, no, kid. What put that idea in your noodle?

Well, I don't know.

You being Toby Walker and famous and all that.

Say, there was the grandest picture of you

on the side of Lem Jordan's store.

-Yeah, was it really good?

-Move on, there.

-Who are you talking to?

-Mr Hogarth's orders.

-Nobody's to annoy Miss Oakley.

-What do you mean, "annoy"?

Nobody ever accused me of annoying a gal when I was talking to her.

Them's the orders, Mr Walker.

Oh, Mr Walker, you know that time up in Cincinnati?

-Yeah.

-I let you beat me.

Ah! That's it!

How do you like that, Colonel?

Not bad, Walker.

A little harder than pot-shotting a herd of buffalo, eh, Colonel?

Yeah, and almost as dangerous.

Afraid she don't know how to sell it, Jeff.

Well, she hasn't had a chance yet.

Anyway, you don't see her missing, do you?

No, but she's just a shooting machine.

No colour to her work.

I'll be as sorry as you are,

but I don't think she'll make the grade.

Gosh, that looks just like him.

A little trick I was saving for next year,

but on account of the act I'm doing is going so good,

I'm going to pass it along to you.

That's mighty fine of you, Toby. And I can do it, too.

Sure you can, and here's another one.

You take these and come on down here.

This one's a pippin.

When I say ready, you throw them up high.

-Both of them?

-Mm-hm.

Throw them.

I'll bet I can do that, too.

Of course. You can shoot as good as I can.

All you need is colour, showmanship.

Let me try it.

Oh, Colonel!

Get out of here, you darned sneaking coyotes.

Get out of here!

Close, Colonel, but no cigar!

Here you are, Bill.

Dad bob it, Jeff. Why can't I get a haircut?

Well, Bill, that mane of yours is the biggest thing in the show.

You might as well have your head cut off.

What would the President and the rest of the bigwigs say

if you came out like a shorn Samson?

And they're all here today, Bill,

everybody that is anybody in Washington.

That's fine. What about Sitting Bull?

No cause for you to worry.

Ned Buntline's got him out there as big as life in a front box.

Great, Jeff, that's great.

Go ahead now and comb out your curls.

ANNOUNCER: Introducing Ogallala Slim...

and his band of bronco-busting, bull-dogging cowboys.

You'd like being with the show, Chief. Travel all over.

Maybe you'll join, too, Rain-in-the-Face.

How old are you?

-Me?

-Yes.

-94.

-A spring chicken.

Magnificent, huh?

Rain-in-the-Face, ask Chief Sitting Bull how he likes the show.

What's his nibs saying?

Bull said all show no good like that, he go home.

Thrilling feats of horsemanship by Russian Cossacks.

What was that?

Bull say all show smell bad.

Do you know something?

The Colonel thinks I'm not going to make good.

-Oh, I doubt...

-He really does.

I can tell the way he's been looking at me lately.

Listen, will you do like I showed you?

I've been practising.

Introducing the world's greatest rifle shot,

Mr Toby Walker!

Well, wait till you see this one.

He's going to shoot a two-bit piece right out of that fella's fingers.

-What's that?

-He said not bad for paleface.

Bull can hit dime.

Introducing one of the country's greatest woman rifle shots,

Miss Annie Oakley!

Boys, throw up five.

Five? You want to ruin the only chance you've got?

I can hit them.

Tell Bull I'll bet he hasn't any squaws that can shoot.

He don't want the squaw shoot, he want the squaw cook.

All right.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute, Chief. Wait a minute.

Will you wait a minute? Don't be scared, Annie.

Bull is just trying to tell you how scrumptious he thinks you are.

Goodness, I thought I was a goner until you grabbed him.

What's the matter, Chief?

Annie, Chief Sitting Bull has just rechristened you Ipawa.

That means "little sure shot".

ANNOUNCER: And now a thrilling battle between the Indians and the cowboys

during an attack on the immigrant train.

He says if you'll do this every day, he'll join the show.

I certainly will if he won't do that again.

Chief, it's a bargain.

Hey, pal, take it easy. This is all in fun.

"Buffalo Bill's trusty rifle barked and another redskin bit the dust.

"Riding like the wind, he swept from the ground the beautiful girl,

"last survivor of the ill-fated wagon train.

"He spurred his mustang to greater speed,

"sending leaden messages of death into the ranks of the foe,

"but the redskins, with fiendish screams, still pursued him.

"Little did the doughty plainsman realise

"that this tiny prairie primrose

"was one day to burgeon into womanhood's fairest flower,

"Annie Oakley."

Ned, you're a genius.

50,000 people will be wanting to see her after reading that.

You know what I'm going to do?

I'm going to bill her right up, name for name, with Toby Walker.

Oh, Colonel!

So, I'm going to be aced out of my own act, huh?

Now, listen, Walker.

Colonel Cody and I are still running this outfit.

Since you're asking for it, I may as well tell you something.

When it comes to draw, you're not quite the biggest thing out.

No wonder, with everybody else getting all the razzle-dazzle.

Taking a green kid and billing her up even with me!

Oh, now, please.

Mr Walker knows I wouldn't do anything to hurt his chances.

You? Hurt my chances?

Not you or anybody else with this troupe.

I'll still be headlining

when the rest of you are working in livery barns.

-Just one big...

-.happy family.

Just a minute! Just a minute, Colonel!

There's gold in this domestic crisis.

I can see it on the billboards.

"Toby Walker versus Annie Oakley.

"Male against female.

"A titanic battle of the sexes

"for the rifle championship of the world."

Ned, you're the thinkingest horse thief in history.

40 years in the business and never lost a spangle.

Darned if this don't call for a drink.

Everybody back to my car.

I'm going to break out a bottle of Old Crow.

I'm sorry, Toby.

If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't be with the show.

I don't take it personal, kid. Business is business.

Besides, I enjoy a brush with them hairy-pantsers once in a while.

Don't you worry. You're aces with me.

-Mad, Toby?

-No.

Well, you're looking kind of mad.

Got on a new rig, ain't you? Sure looks pretty.

-Gosh, it's funny how things turn out.

-Ain't it, though?

It seems like only yesterday I saw your picture on the billboard

and Lem Jordan wanted to tear it down.

Why, the fellow must have been crazy.

He wanted to, but I wouldn't let him.

Well, it's a funny world,

you looking at my picture on the billboard

and thinking I was so gosh-darn grand,

and now you...

now you really got me.

-I got you?

-You sure have, Annie. No other girl's got a chance.

But look, we...

Look, we can't let anybody know we're stuck on each other.

It's good show business

if we even let the company think we're unfriendly,

-pretty near enemies.

-Oh.

Do you think so?

I know the ins and outs, kid.

People will pay to see us battle each other.

I don't care no more who wins those matches.

-You don't?

-No.

I know you can beat me, and I'm proud of you.

Never thought I'd see the day when I could stand that, but now...

Toby, I'm going to tell everybody how wonderful you really are.

Honey, we've got to give the folks who think we hate each other

a run for their money.

Now, remember, you hate me.

Mister, I hate you to pieces.

-Hello, Lem.

-I got no time for you today.

Just leaving.

Looks like the whole township's leaving.

-What's going on? Immigrating west?

-Immigrating nothing.

We're going to Cincinnati

to see the gal that's making this county famous.

Now I know why they call him Sitting Bull.

I guess he wants us to share the sofa.

Thank you, Chief.

Positively, Chief.

He says you'd make a fine squaw.

You may know pretty near everything, Toby Walker, but not Indian talk.

Anything nice about you, honey, I'd understand in any lingo.

Toby, your tepee.

Annie, your tepee.

I savvy. Two can live in tepee cheap as one.

Look!

Papooses good, too.

Hey, hey, hey, Bull. Take it easy.

That's the best I've heard in two weeks.

Mr MacIvor! How are you?

Well, well, how fine you're looking, Annie.

She hasn't changed much, has she, Mac,

considering the fact that she's become a very famous young lady?

-And didn't I invent her?

-Sure you did.

If it wasn't for you, I'd still be quail-shooting down on the farm.

And now, Mac, I want you to meet a new member of our family,

the one and only Sitting Bull.

How.

You won't need that tent, Mr Bull, not while you're in Cincinnati.

Yes, Mac's invited us all to stay at his hotel while we're here.

Oh, how nice.

We're advertising for the MacIvor House.

There'll be customers sleeping on the billiard tables.

Gosh, it'll be great sleeping under a ceiling again.

Ever since I joined this hairy-pants outfit, I...

Walker, if you can't say something pleasant, don't say nothing at all.

I just told this little squirt a thing or two.

I'm getting sick and tired of pulling my shots

-just to make her look good.

-Pulling your shots?

Walker, one of these days somebody's going to bust

that gas bag you call your head.

Better cowboys than you have tried it, Colonel.

Why, you lowdown, yapping Bowery puppy!

What this happy family needs is a good spanking. Come on.

Come on, Bull, we'll get your stuff together.

Now, just a minute, gentlemen.

Where do you keep them Indians?

Well, the Indian village is right over there.

In fact, if you'll hurry, you'll find Sitting Bull right at home.

They'll dig him a new home when I get through with him.

Forget it, Dan. Them Indian wars are all over.

Let me alone.

I ain't forgetting that I had

a brother with Custer at Little Big Horn.

Now, you Sioux snake, I'm going to pay you for one of Custer's boys.

Call them off.

You all right, partner?

A little scrap now and then means nothing to you, eh, Bull?

Gosh, I wouldn't have wanted that blast much closer to my peepers.

Well, come on, kid, I'll flag a hansom

and ship you off to a bulletproof hotel room.

Well, young man, it's not as bad as it might have been.

Come on, come on, Doc. How about it?

You're suffering from a form of corneal opacity.

You don't say.

A compressed condition of the optic membrane. But don't worry.

-You'll be able to see reasonably well.

-Oh, sure, I can see.

Come in and see me again tomorrow.

In the meantime, go easy with those eyes.

What business are you in?

-Me? I'm Toby Walker.

-That doesn't answer my question.

I can see you're not a patron of the theatre, Doc.

-I'm an actor.

-Oh, an actor.

Well, you'll be able to go on with your work all right.

-It's lucky you're not a book-keeper.

-Yeah...

-Toby, darling!

-Well, well, Vera.

You sure look elegant back there with all them explosive stogies.

You don't look pekid yourself.

Oh, I'm all right, I guess.

It was nice of Mac to give you the job here.

Oh, he didn't lose nothing by it.

-The smoke business has perked up some since I took over.

-Oh!

Say, tonight's my night off.

How about a little supper after the show, just for old times' sake?

Well, I'd like to, Vera,

but I've got a little business to attend to this evening.

Is that the little business over there?

Tell me, Annie, is it true them Injuns eat D-O-G?

Oh, I know what that spells. That spells "dog".

Hey, I'll see you later.

Do they, Annie?

Well, I don't think so.

Mr Sitting Bull just loves hash. He likes it with molasses.

Oh, here's Toby.

Mr Walker, I want you to meet my mother

and all the folks from down home.

Mrs Oakley, folks, I'm delighted to meet you.

Mac, have you seen the Colonel?

The last I saw of him, he and Mr Hogarth were busy sending telegrams.

-Try and locate him for me, will you?

-Aye.

Well, Mr Walker, I reckon you ain't going to win so easy tonight

as you did the last time you shot here.

That's right.

Annie's had a chance to get used to his good looks.

I'm sure you'll see her at her best tonight.

And how about you, Mr Walker?

You know, Annie is a show all by herself. She don't need me at all.

You see, folks what I mean...

You ain't getting cold feet, are ya?

You mustn't mind the folks, Toby.

They're up here from down home to see me,

just like if we were playing New York,

all the people from the Bowery would come to see you.

And we aren't going to disappoint them, are we?

Well, Walker, what's on your mind?

I'm sorry I bothered you, Colonel.

I guess what I wanted to say just sort of slipped my mind.

Fresh buttered popcorn? A bag of popcorn, sir?

It's very bad for you.

Step lively, folks. Count your change before leaving.

Thank you, neighbour.

Step lively, please, and see the big performance,

the big show, Wild West show, a congress of rough riders.

-Get tickets. How many, neighbour?

-How much are they?

One dollar and a half, sir.

-Have you any dollars?

-We have dollar tickets. Yes, sir.

-How many?

-Oh, er...

You're keeping 11,000 people from seeing the show.

Aye.

You know, Vera, the more I think about this...

Now, it isn't the money,

it's poor Colonel Cody's feelings I'm thinking about.

Why, he'd be all broken up if I paid for tickets.

Yeah, the shock would probably floor him.

Well, make up your mind. Step lively, please. Step lively, folks.

-How many, neighbour?

-Well...

Give me...

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Your money's bogus around here, Mac. Don't you know that?

-I didn't know it was you.

-Give me a couple of blues.

Here we are, my friend. A couple of Annie Oakleys.

Step lively, folks.

Annie Oakleys. Oh, that's a bonny name for them.

Two holes, and clean as Annie might have shot them herself.

Just a minute. This is hardly right.

-Oh, go on, go on.

-Well, if you insist.

Miss Annie Oakley, the winner.

I am sure Miss Oakley will favour us with an encore.

Is there any brave gentleman in the audience

who would like to have Miss Oakley shoot a cigarette from his mouth

at 30 paces?

I'll do it.

Ladies and gentlemen, proving chivalry is not dead,

Mr Toby Walker will show his faith in the marksmanship

of his fair opponent.

I wish I was making that shot.

Give me a coin. I'll hold it for Toby.

Ladies and gentlemen,

the courage of the fair sex is a match to that of the male.

The little lady will now permit Mr Toby Walker

to shoot a 25-cent piece

out of her hand at the same distance, 30 paces.

Since when did you take over setting my routines?

-Why I only thought...

-You're paid to jabber, not to think.

My contract don't call for carrying out your half-wit brainstorms.

Sorry, friends, but Mr Walker seems indisposed to accept the challenge.

Oh, he's scared he'll miss.

Indisposed nothing. He's afraid.

Yeah, he's afraid she'll beat him.

I always did say he didn't have any nerve.

He's trying to queer Annie's act.

What's the matter with you, trying to start a stampede?

Oh, just having a little fun with him, Mr Hogarth.

He's got it coming to him. Any fellow that chicken-livered...

Shut up. I ought to fire the whole lot of you.

He could do it easy. He's just trying to queer the show.

He's got a yellow streak down his back a yard wide.

He aimed to hit her!

-Annie!

-Walker, I ought to kill you right here.

There now, honey. We'll have a doctor for you in just a second.

Oh, I'm all right.

Bring on the next act!

Honest, Colonel, I tried...

Walker, I'm giving you ten minutes to pack up and get off the grounds.

That suits me fine, but first I'm going to see Annie.

She don't want no part of you.

This is my fault. I should have thrown him out a long time ago.

He didn't mean to do it. I know he didn't.

Oh, yes, he did. He deliberately hit you in the shooting hand.

Oh, he wouldn't try to hurt anybody. You don't understand him.

Rustle him out of here, boys.

-I've got to see him.

-Come on, Annie, we'll see the doctor.

ANNOUNCER: Presenting riders of all nations in revue!

Well, Doctor, what's the verdict?

No tendons severed. She'll be all right.

-To shoot?

-Oh, yes, it's not really serious

if she takes care of her hand for a few weeks.

Better let Annie rest now, folks.

Please stop fussing over me and tell me where Toby is.

-Now, now, now, now.

-You children, run out in the hall and play.

But I want him. Why isn't he here?

You mustn't upset yourself, Miss Oakley. Please try to rest.

But I can't rest until I find what's become of him.

It doesn't hurt a bit any more.

You're all keeping him away from me.

Now, honey, you mustn't have any more truck with that...

He didn't mean to do it.

He's sweet and kind.

You don't understand him.

-None of you do.

-Annie, please.

You never gave him a chance from the first day you saw him.

Well, I'll tell you something,

he's better than the whole bunch of you put together.

There, there, precious, everything will be all right.

Now, don't you worry, little missy.

We're going to have you right as rain in just a few days.

-Good night, Annie.

-Boys, if you don't mind...

Bye.

-You're going to be fit as a fiddle, Annie.

-Good night, Annie.

-Goodbye, Doctor.

-Good night.

There, there, baby.

Try to get some sleep.

I'll be along in a minute, Mrs Oakley.

It wasn't his fault. I know it wasn't. If I could only talk to him.

Annie, dear, you're just a kid.

You've got to believe in the people who really love you,

and the sooner you forget about him, the better.

But I'm not going to forget about him.

Try to get some sleep.

Toby!

Honey, your hand, honest, I...

It's nothing. Nothing, now that you're here.

They're saying I done it on purpose.

There's something I've got to tell you, Annie.

-You've said enough already, Walker.

-Please, Jeff.

I'm sorry, Annie. You may hate me for this

but tonight he'll do his talking to me.

I've got nothing to say to you, Hogarth.

What did you want to tell me, Toby?

The less you say, the better, Walker.

But I've got something to tell you.

You're going to clear out of this kid's life.

I see, trying to fix it up for yourself, huh?

You know that isn't so.

I think Annie knows that her happiness is all that matters to me,

to everybody in this show except you.

What have you got to offer?

A selfish, swelled head and a future that's behind you.

Maybe you're right.

Toby, you know I don't believe that.

-Goodbye.

-Toby!

Now, now, now.

I'm going to run along and let you get some rest.

You mustn't be too hurt about this.

You'll find that a fellow like that is pretty easy to forget.

Well, I guess I'll let you get a little sleep, Chief.

Good night.

Good night.

-KNOCK ON DOOR

-Come in.

Hello.

I thought you might need a little cheering up.

You're wasting your time, kid.

The great Toby Walker is on the skids.

Don't let them sell you that, Toby.

Why, we could put the old vaudeville act together again

and play to standing room only.

I'm all played out, Vera. You've got a good job. Hang on to it.

Oh, that. Listen, Toby, what you need is a little romping.

I'm going to take you out and show you the town.

Toby?

Well, well, if it ain't little dead-eye.

Maybe you'd like to join us.

We're just going out and paint the town.

Toby, I've got to talk to you.

Your friend Hogarth was right. There's been enough said already.

-But...

-Listen, dead-eye, why don't you quit pounding this man?

You ain't done him a nickel's worth of good.

Ever since he first seen you,

he's had one piece of rotten luck after the other.

-Vera!

-Ain't you satisfied

with the way you got him messed up now?

Just busting with the juices of human kindness, ain't you?

Well, I guess you helped me do her a favour, at that.

Well, so long, my little sugar plum.

So long? I thought we was going to paint the town.

The Bill show's celebrating with the rip-snortingest blowout

this old town's ever had!

Bill, don't bother Annie tonight. Wait and tell her in the morning.

Why, this will do her more good than a barrel of medicine.

Don't be such a bluenose, Jeff.

You'd have the poor kid thinking there wasn't no Santa Claus.

Annie! Annie!

Well, missy, we've got great news,

and you're going to be the first to hear it.

Buffalo Bill's Wild West show with the one and only Annie Oakley

is breaking camp for a tour of Europe.

-Europe?

-That's right.

Why, Annie, you'll have kings and queens

throwing their crowns in the air.

But right now, you're going to help us celebrate.

Champagne for the boys,

but for Annie Oakley, a big bottle of sarsaparilla.

-Come on, Annie.

-Would...

Would you mind very much if I didn't come to your party?

Why, no, no. Of course we wouldn't mind. Come on, Bill.

I guess I'm just an old blundering fool.

-Your little hand. You must...

-My hand's all right.

-Come on. Good night, Annie.

-Good night.

Good night, missy.

What's this?

Here. Gas.

-Chief!

-He's been shooting out the lights.

-Of all the unmitigated nerve...

-What happened to you?

All right, all right, all right. Never mind, never mind.

Don't you worry. Don't you worry, Mac. I'll pay all the damage.

The Chief can shoot up all the hotels he wants tonight.

We're celebrating, Mac. We're celebrating!

Annie, you're to be presented to the Czar and the Czarina.

Your Majesty, may I present to you Miss Oakley?

Annie, I'm afraid you just never will learn about crowned heads.

You're supposed to always take the gentleman's hand first

and kiss it, not shake it.

And I shook hands first with the Czarina.

Gosh, I suppose that was terrible.

No, no, you were just yourself.

That's why we all love you.

I love you all, too,

Colonel Cody and Mr Buntline and Buck, Jim and Sam...

Hey, now, wait a minute. What about a fellow named Hogarth?

You're first on the list, Jeff. I thought you knew that.

First in the show or first everywhere?

Oh, Annie, I know I'm not your idea of something romantic,

but I can't help it if I love you, if that counts for anything.

Wait a minute, wait a minute. I see it all in the crystal ball.

Madam, I see a blond villain hovering about you.

He seems to have designs on your future.

I see him pursuing you to Germany.

Annie, His Highness Crown Prince Wilhelm wants to ask you something.

Is it true, Fraulein Oakley,

that you are able to shoot a cigarette from a person's mouth?

-Yes.

-Very well. You will shoot one from mine.

But kindly do not muss the Schnurrbart.

For heaven's sake, be careful, Annie.

This fellow has to be Kaiser some day.

Gosh, an inch the wrong way might change the history books.

Oh, gosh, that spring breeze smells wonderful.

Madam, do you realise that at this moment it's spring in New York, too?

-I was thinking of that.

-Yeah.

Just about this time a man named Anson's come on from Chicago

and hit at least four home runs,

the organ grinders are tuning up their hurdy-gurdies,

the little girls are maypole dancing in Central Park,

and the new bock beer is foaming at Luchow's.

Every time they broach a keg, Annie, they ring a gong.

That, my darling, is when you know it is spring.

Gosh. And down home in Ohio, the buds are coming out on the trees,

and the bluebirds are wondering why they ever went away.

I guess spring is the time to make you think of far away and long ago.

It was spring the first time I went up to Cincinnati to shoot against...

Cheer up, Annie, you're not the only one who's homesick.

Why, dog my cats, in exactly two weeks and four days,

the Buffalo Bill Wild West show

will be putting on the dad-bustedest parade

up Fifth Avenue that was ever gawked at by man or critter.

I'm leaving the show when we get to New York.

Annie!

Oh, I'm not happy, Jeff.

It's still Toby, isn't it?

I guess it's human nature

to fight for anything we love, isn't it, Annie?

I guess so.

But we don't always win.

No, we don't always win.

Here's something I should have given you a long time ago.

Oh, I know what you must be thinking of me.

Oh, I'm only thinking of one thing, Jeff. We've got to find him.

We will.

Step right up, ladies and gents,

and take a lesson from the champ shot.

Never beat in any contest anywhere by any living man.

Say, Charlie, if the champ is such a razzmatazz,

how come he don't never do no shooting?

It's the lamps, the lamps.

Holy gee! Annie Oakley.

Gosh, and the Buffalo Bill show is coming here next Monday.

Hey, mister, do you know Annie Oakley?

Son, I knew her way back when.

Sure, he knew them all.

Annie Oakley, Sarah Bernhardt, Mrs Astor's horse, Bessie...

Yeah, you...

Introducing a congress of the world's roughest riders.

First, a group of Sioux Indians.

Next, Crow Indians, Cherokees,

Cheyenne, Blackfeet and Arapaho.

Cowboys from Montana, from Wyoming,

from Oklahoma Territory, from Colorado, from Dakota.

Mexicans from old Mexico,

Russian Cossacks from the steppes of Russia.

And the South American gauchos.

And a troop of the United States Cavalry.

And now, introducing Colonel WF Cody,

Buffalo Bill!

Well, dog my cats.

Annie, did you see that crowd?

Why, half of New York's out there tonight.

Do you think Toby might be out there? Do you think he'd come?

Now, don't you worry about finding him, honey.

Today, your Uncle Jeff took it on himself

to engage the Pinkertons to locate him.

Jeff, you're real.

Ladies and gentlemen,

it is my pleasure personally to introduce that little lady

who has played before all the crowned heads of Europe,

the greatest shooting star the world has ever known,

Annie Oakley!

Can I borrow your glasses?

Wild West, are you ready?

Poor Little Sure Shot. She's always so sad.

We present that world-famous, thrilling spectacle,

the Indian attack on the Deadwood stage,

featuring the one and only Chief Sitting Bull!

Toby! Toby!

What's the matter? Couldn't you get in?

I saw all I wanted to see.

Well, that's fine.

Then you can help handle the trade, of which there ain't none.

Introducing an aggregation of the outstanding horsemen of the world,

brought for your entertainment from the four corners of the earth.

Military riders, representative of all nations.

And last, the United States Cavalry!

Annie, I found Toby.

-Chief, where is he?

-Come quick.

I will take you.

Gee, Toby, did you honestly know Annie Oakley?

Did I know her?

Did he know her(?)

Six shots for a dime, ten cents.

Step up and try your luck over here. Here, over here.

But, Toby, we ain't got no dime.

All right.

Here you are. You kids can have three apiece.

But hurry up before the boss gets back.

Let's see you hit something, for a change.

Annie!

Toby!

Gosh, it's her!

Did I know Annie Oakley?