Sex & Drugs & Rock & Roll


Sex & Drugs & Rock & Roll

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Transcript


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This film contains very strong language.

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FOOTSTEPS

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BIRD WINGS FLUTTER

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Good evening.

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I'm from Essex, in case you couldn't tell.

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My given name is Dickie.

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I come from Billericay, and I'm doing...

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DRUM ROLL

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..very well!

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# Had a love affair with Nina in the back of my Cortina

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# A seasoned-up hyena could not have been more obscener

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# She took me to the cleaners and other misdemeanours

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# But I got right up between her Rum and her Ribena

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# You ask Joyce and Vicky

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# If candyfloss is sticky

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# I ain't a blinking thicky

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# I'm Billericay Dickie

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# And I'm doing very well

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# I bought a lot of brandy

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# When I was courting Sandy

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# Took eight to make her randy

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# And all I had was shandy

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# Another thing with Sandy

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# What often came in handy

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# Was passing her a Mandy

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# She didn't half go bandy

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# You ask Joyce and Vicky

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# If I ever took the Mickey

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# I ain't a common thicky

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# I'm Billericay Dickie

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# And I'm doing very well

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# I rendezvous with Janet

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# Quite near the Isle of Thanet

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# She looked more like a gannet

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# She wasn't half a prannet

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# Her mother tried to ban it

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# Her father helped me plan it "Go on, son"

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# And when I captured Janet

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# She bruised her pomegranate

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# You ask Joyce and Vicky

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# If I ever shaped up tricky... #

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Tell him to shut that racket up!

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# And I'm doing very well!

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# You should never hold a candle

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# If you don't know where it's been

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# The jackpot is in the handle

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# On a normal fruit machine

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# So, you ask Joyce and Vicky

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# Who's their favourite brickie

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# I ain't a common thicky

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# I'm Billericay Dickie

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# And I'm doing very well

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# So, you ask Joyce and Vicky

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# About Billericay Dickie

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# I ain't a fucking thicky I'm Billericay Dickie

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# And I'm doing very well. #

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One, two, one...

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HE SCREAMS

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MUFFLED MUSIC

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Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa. No, hold on, hold on.

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-Your timing's off, mate.

-Well, you're out of tune.

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This ain't jazz. Learn to play drums and I'll learn to sing in tune.

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-Let's be nice, lads.

-How can you tell if a stage is level?

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Cos the drummer dribbles out of both sides of his mouth!

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-Yeah, very bleedin' funny.

-Not as funny as this, mate.

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-You're fucking fired!

-What?

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-Oh, not again!

-Oh, yes!

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-Oh, I'll take the equipment, then.

-All right.

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Your body odour smells like a fucking orang-utan on heat.

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You smell like your mother's cock and balls.

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Two fucking cymbals, mate.

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-Come on, then.

-Who wants him out?

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BABY COOS

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I've just given birth. Any chance you could keep the noise down?

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Oh!

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It's a boy.

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You are so clever.

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I'll be in the kitchen, all right?

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Now look what you done.

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We're all on our own now, son.

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Now listen, you monkeys.

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Stories are what we tell ourselves

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to make ourselves feel better about ourselves.

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So, never let the truth get in the way of a good story.

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Once upon a time,

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in a mystical land far, far away,

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well, Southend-on-Sea,

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a young prince holidayed.

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His name was Ian Dury.

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He was handsome, healthy, highly intelligent.

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And brilliant at swimming.

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AUDIENCE: Oh!

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Look at me. Weren't I a lovely little chap?

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But in the pool, evil lurked.

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Its name was polio. A waterborne contamination.

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A virus, and when it gets into your system, you've had it.

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Pay attention, chaps!

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The polio virus, AKA, the crippler.

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It attacks the nervous system here, here and here.

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Makes you bloody nervous cos it can bloody well kill you!

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It inflames the brainstem, fucks with the spinal cord,

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leading to paralysis and muscular wasting.

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Lock up your children. No-one is safe!

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A monstrous epidemic.

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Daddy!

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Bloody hell. It's the Muppets!

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We are the band.

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You've got to be joking.

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We was going to call ourselves Cripple, Nigger, Yid,

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Chink and Dead Fish,

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but we didn't get any bookings.

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Could you direct us to the artistes' dressing rooms?

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Oh, you are so going to miss all of this.

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When we've made our millions and we're playing Hammersmith Odeon...

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Why? Don't they have three inches of piss in the dressing rooms?

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Nah, it's all shagpile carpets and extraordinary acoustics.

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# For he's a jolly good fellow For he's a jolly good fellow... #

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Oi. Did you hear the one about the dyslexic pimp

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who set up a warehouse?

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Go on, my son!

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# And so say all of us. #

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Yay!

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Is Dad coming?

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'Hey, what do you call a man with paper trousers?'

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Russell.

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Hope you don't mind me saying so, Russell, but you are being a

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rather miserable old cunt.

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What do you think we should spend our money on?

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I don't know. Birthday presents? Birthday hats? Birthday cards?

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Hey, everyone! Let's give him the bumps!

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Let's give him the bumps!

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Well, I'd just like to say

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that you've been a monumentally atrocious audience tonight,

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apart from the faithful few at the front, it's the worst gig...

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Yes, a big hand for you lot.

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It's the worst gig we've ever played since Sidcup Crematorium.

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But we'd like to finish anyway with a song called Blackmail Man.

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-One! Two!

-One, two. One, two, three, four!

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Three! Four!

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# I'm an Irish cripple, a Scottish Jew,

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# I'm the blackmail man

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# A raspberry ripple, a buckle my shoe,

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# I'm the blackmail man

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# A silvery spoon, a bubble and squeak

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# I'm the blackmail man

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# Well, I'm the blackmail man and I know what you do, every one of you

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# I'm the blackmail man

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# You make me sick, make me Tom and Dick

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# Blackmail man, blackmail man... #

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I wouldn't have booked 'em if I'd known. What a load of shite.

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Can't hold a tune.

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Come on, Russell, get it right, you doughnut.

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-You're fucking shit! Get off!

-Fuck off!

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Russ! Where are you going? Russell, wait. Wait!

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# Fraser and Nash pony and trap

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# Up your 'arris, in your mince

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# Hamptons don't leave fingerprints I'm the blackmail man. #

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MIC FEEDBACK

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Call that singing? You're shit!

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Fuck off!

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I'm more of an Emerson, Lake and Palmer man myself.

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I thought you were fucking great.

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Really?

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Great as in celebrated,

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illustrious, famous?

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Or great as in large, fat, bloated?

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Something you do to a nutmeg, perhaps?

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Great as in great!

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And I should know.

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I saw Jimi Hendrix before anyone.

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-Really?

-Mm-hmm.

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Tell me. Was Jimi...

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nice?

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Yeah. He was extremely polite.

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So, do you always wear those glasses?

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For your protection, my dear.

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I am very, very good with women.

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I used to live with me mum and her two sisters.

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I like women so much,

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I used to think I was a repressed homosexual.

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But I'm not.

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Fortuitously, I am gorgeous to look at.

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Can I tickle your tonsils, please, miss?

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-Maybe.

-Mmm.

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You have to be extremely polite.

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Oi, sling your hook.

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Just pay up what was agreed.

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I didn't agree to a bunch of spazzers from the mental home.

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You see, that's just not a very spiritual thing to say!

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Well, have a look at your drummer!

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What's the problem?

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He can't leave the stage at the interval.

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-So?

-Well, it don't happen to fuckin' Pink Floyd, does it?

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And as for Long John Silver... Oi, mate, you puttin' it on?

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-You didn't limp like that on stage.

-Oh, no. On stage I try to hover.

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Look, I'm sure we can come to some friendly agreement.

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Yeah, we can agree you can't sing, you're past it

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and you look like a Potato Jesus.

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-No offence.

-None taken, you fat-ankled fucker.

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Fat ankles?

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I might be a fucking cripple, mate, but I'm dangerous, all right?

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You want to sort out your inner calm.

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Nice one, Davey, go on.

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Go on, my son, get in there!

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Russell. Russ, we need to talk about this.

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There you are. There's your millions. Joke money, joke life.

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It's over, mate. We're going nowhere.

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-Russ, why do you have to say things like that?

-I quit.

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Nobody quits. Quitting is not in the vocabulary.

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Yeah? What about "Fuck you, Ian"? Is that in the vocabulary?

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-What did you say?

-Nothing.

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Go on, then. Go on. I don't fucking need you.

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What do you mean? I write the music, I drive the van.

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I carry you up the stairs when you're pissed.

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I make the fucking sandwiches.

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Can you drive? Yeah, see, she can drive.

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And I bet she can make fucking sandwiches and all.

0:14:260:14:28

Russell, come on. Look, we're talking, mate. We're trying to talk!

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Russell!

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Right, you're fucking fired. You are, you're fired.

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You didn't quit, you were fired!

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-Yes? Do I know you?

-No.

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Well, do us a favour and fuck off, will you?

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Hey, Ian, you know that geezer's a keys player.

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-That's not very polite, is it?

-It's like being back at school.

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-Are you a groupie?

-No, musician.

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-What do you play?

-Oi.

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Sorry about that. Where do you think you're going, you little monkey?

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That was out of order back there. It's the drink, you know, so...

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It's like bad breath for the mind. Someone said that you play keyboards.

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-Yeah.

-I play a little piano and guitar.

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Oh, wow. Well, we don't have any little ones, only the big sort.

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-What's your name?

-Chaz.

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-Chaz.

-Chaz Jankel.

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Chaz Jankel? Very avant-garde.

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Tell you what. Why don't you come over tomorrow, hey?

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After all, you know what they say.

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"The more interesting a man, the greyer his trousers."

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But they also say, "You're never alone with schizophrenia."

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So what the fuck do they know?

0:15:440:15:46

But it's true, we are all on our own, aren't we?

0:15:460:15:50

-AUDIENCE:

-Oh, no, you're not!

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Oh, yes, I am!

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Oh, no, you're not!

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The young prince was.

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He was going to die. Death was his bedfellow.

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Some whispered, "Oh, it might be better after all.

0:16:010:16:05

"I mean, what sort of quality of life?"

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A cripple? A raspberry ripple?

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COCKEREL CROWS

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But in the morning, he was still there!

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You see, it's not the size of the dog in the fight,

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but the size of the fight in the dog!

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Magnificent!

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Trouble is, there's no cure for it.

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Just like love.

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There's no cure for that, neither.

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CAR HORN BLARES

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Oi! Oi! Daddy's home!

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Your dad's here.

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And now, then, let's see what the old clot has got.

0:17:130:17:18

For you, Jemima darling...

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Boing!

0:17:210:17:24

And for you, my son...

0:17:240:17:26

For your birthday. Better late than never.

0:17:260:17:29

# Pum, pum, pum, pum, pum, pum, pum, pum, PUM! #

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So powerful no man could stop him.

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Rubbish.

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DOOR CLOSES

0:17:590:18:00

THEY SCREAM

0:18:000:18:02

Don't make me angry. You won't like it when I'm angry!

0:18:060:18:12

Dr Banner, you're changing!

0:18:120:18:14

But with pain comes power! Hulk is strong!

0:18:170:18:21

..He doesn't need you turning up out of the blue bringing gifts.

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-He needs a father!

-He's got a father. I'm his father.

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He needs a father who's around!

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I'm around! I mean, well, I come around.

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I was here when he was born, wasn't I? Just downstairs, I mean,

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not a lot of fathers can say that!

0:18:430:18:45

Found a couple that survived. There's only two left.

0:18:500:18:53

He's been missing school. And stealing.

0:18:530:18:57

Well, that's all right. All boys do that.

0:18:570:19:00

It's a boy thing, isn't it? A packet of fags, dirty magazine.

0:19:000:19:05

In fact, it's good. A sign of intelligence.

0:19:050:19:07

Shows a sensitivity about the world.

0:19:070:19:09

-And he's being bullied.

-By who?

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I told him not to retaliate.

0:19:110:19:13

You don't want to do that. He wants to give 'em a bloody good smacking.

0:19:130:19:15

Yeah, well, that's why he needs to come and stay with you for a while.

0:19:150:19:17

No, no, no.

0:19:170:19:20

He needs you at the moment.

0:19:200:19:22

Look, I'm on the verge of something, things are happening.

0:19:240:19:27

I've been offered some work at the Academy.

0:19:300:19:32

Good.

0:19:330:19:35

One of us needs to earn and I can't do it stuck out here in the country.

0:19:350:19:39

I've always encouraged you, Ian.

0:19:420:19:44

Now it's your turn.

0:19:460:19:47

-Is Dad gone?

-Left about an hour ago.

0:19:550:19:57

Looks all right.

0:20:170:20:18

Blimey! How many more steps? I'm not Sherpa bloody Tenzing.

0:20:200:20:24

It's Oval Mansions. We get to live in a mansion together.

0:20:240:20:28

Catshit Mansions more like.

0:20:280:20:31

All right.

0:20:550:20:57

What colour for the walls? Would you say white?

0:20:580:21:02

Nah, that's too institutional.

0:21:020:21:05

-Blue, then?

-No, too constitutional.

0:21:050:21:09

It should be...claret. Yeah.

0:21:090:21:12

Yeah, the colour of blood. Passion. And a sort of booze.

0:21:120:21:17

-You up for it?

-Mm-hmm.

0:21:170:21:19

I...

0:21:210:21:23

I can do anything. If you teach me.

0:21:230:21:26

What's wrong?

0:21:450:21:46

Erm, we're going to have to switch places

0:21:460:21:48

cos I'm struggling to undo your buttons here with my dodgy left hand.

0:21:480:21:51

Or you can do it, that would be very helpful.

0:21:580:22:01

# I come awake

0:22:110:22:12

# With a gift for womankind

0:22:140:22:16

# You're still asleep

0:22:180:22:20

# But the gift don't seem to mind

0:22:220:22:24

# Rise on this occasion... #

0:22:260:22:28

Not too bad. Have you done this before?

0:22:280:22:30

# Halfway up your back

0:22:300:22:32

# Sliding down your body

0:22:340:22:36

# Touching your behind

0:22:380:22:40

# You look so self-possessed... #

0:22:410:22:44

Aw!

0:22:440:22:45

# I won't disturb your rest

0:22:450:22:49

# It's lovely when you're sleeping

0:22:490:22:53

# But wide awake is best

0:22:530:22:56

# Wake up and make love with me

0:22:570:23:01

# Wake up and make love

0:23:010:23:05

# Wake up and make love with me

0:23:050:23:08

# I don't want to make you

0:23:080:23:10

# I'll let the fancy take you

0:23:100:23:12

# And you'll wake up and make love

0:23:120:23:15

# You come awake

0:23:240:23:26

# In a horny morning mood

0:23:270:23:30

# And have a proper wriggle

0:23:320:23:33

# In the naughty naked nude

0:23:350:23:39

# Roll against my body

0:23:390:23:41

# Get me where you want me

0:23:430:23:45

# What happens next is private. #

0:23:470:23:49

What are you doing?

0:23:560:23:58

This is Denise.

0:24:010:24:02

Hello, Denise.

0:24:020:24:04

That's Baxter.

0:24:040:24:06

Hello, Baxter.

0:24:060:24:08

Your door's unlocked. Mum's putting the kettle on.

0:24:080:24:12

Nice.

0:24:120:24:14

Go on, then, off you pop.

0:24:150:24:17

Thanks so much for this. So kind.

0:24:220:24:25

-Takes quite a lot to make a home.

-Yeah.

0:24:250:24:28

"Home is the place, no matter what you've done,

0:24:290:24:31

"they have to let you in." That's what Ian says.

0:24:310:24:34

-So you're a bass player?

-Bass player,

0:24:350:24:37

sandwich-maker, personal manager.

0:24:370:24:39

Sole driver of a van full of nutters.

0:24:390:24:41

We're looking forward to having Baxter stay.

0:24:430:24:46

Any time you need help we're here.

0:24:460:24:47

Yeah, um...

0:24:470:24:50

He's a little fussy, he doesn't like tomatoes,

0:24:500:24:53

-fruit of any kind, potatoes...

-Like father like son, eh?

0:24:530:24:57

How old are you, Denise?

0:24:590:25:02

Erm, I'm almost 20.

0:25:020:25:04

Oh!

0:25:050:25:07

-I'm sorry about that.

-It was always heavy for me, too.

0:25:110:25:14

DRUMS PLAY

0:25:140:25:16

-HE SHOUTS:

-Is that Elvis Presley?

0:25:270:25:29

Don't they teach you any classical history at school these days?

0:25:320:25:35

That's Gene Vincent.

0:25:370:25:39

Scramble-egged his leg in a bike accident.

0:25:390:25:41

Him and Eddie Cochran

0:25:440:25:47

were the brightest stars in the firmament

0:25:470:25:50

when they climbed into a cab outside the Savoy, April 16th, 1960.

0:25:500:25:55

Two hours later, they hit a hairpin bend.

0:25:570:26:00

Crash!

0:26:020:26:05

Eddie Cochran is lying dying in his own blood.

0:26:050:26:09

And who hands Sweet Gene his guitar that night outside the hotel?

0:26:100:26:16

A 14-year-old Marc Bolan,

0:26:170:26:19

who marries Pink Floyd's management secretary,

0:26:190:26:23

who signs me to Stiff Records.

0:26:230:26:26

Shake my hand.

0:26:290:26:31

You're only five steps away from greatness.

0:26:390:26:41

-Stiff?

-Stiff, yeah.

0:26:430:26:45

Their motto is "If it ain't Stiff, it ain't worth a fuck!"

0:26:450:26:49

How's school?

0:26:490:26:50

Headmistress is a bit of a stuck-up old cow.

0:26:500:26:52

Oi, language. Bit of respect. Education's important.

0:26:520:26:56

Delacroix, French, Frenchman he was, painter, he said,

0:26:570:27:01

"Inspiration is getting to our studies at 9am."

0:27:010:27:04

Go on, hit it.

0:27:060:27:07

THEY SCREAM

0:27:150:27:18

You know what I'm talking about,

0:27:270:27:29

you barely said two words to the woman.

0:27:290:27:31

You can't treat people like that.

0:27:310:27:33

Don't give me that load of old bollock. Bet and I have got

0:27:330:27:34

-a special relationship.

-Exactly, she's your wife.

0:27:340:27:36

Yeah, based on love and trust and understanding.

0:27:360:27:39

What, and taking the piss? You were really fucking rude, Ian.

0:27:390:27:42

It was the past, all right? It's a separate existence.

0:27:420:27:45

Anyway, I asked you to marry me, you keep saying no.

0:27:460:27:49

This isn't a joke. You've got children.

0:27:490:27:51

You are never going to be separate. Do you understand that?

0:27:510:27:54

Excuse me, I'm trying to sleep.

0:27:540:27:57

HE HUMS

0:28:120:28:15

# My old man was fairly handsome

0:28:270:28:30

# Later on he drove a Roller

0:28:340:28:37

# Chauffeuring for foreign men... #

0:28:370:28:39

BELL RINGS

0:28:410:28:43

Daddy!

0:28:470:28:48

# Perhaps he had to keep his distance

0:28:500:28:53

# My old man was fairly handsome. #

0:28:570:28:59

You all right, boy?

0:29:030:29:05

Come on.

0:29:090:29:11

Boxers always touch themselves on the side of the face to remind them

0:29:110:29:13

to keep their guard up.

0:29:130:29:15

That's it. Move your feet, come on. Move your feet, move about.

0:29:150:29:19

That's it. Keep moving about.

0:29:190:29:22

You're too square on. Move around the side.

0:29:220:29:24

Good, orthodox, lovely.

0:29:240:29:26

All them southpaws should be buried at birth.

0:29:260:29:28

Where are you going? That's it, stand up. All right.

0:29:280:29:30

Now move about, on the balls of your feet if you can.

0:29:300:29:32

That's it. Plenty of that. Plenty of leg movement.

0:29:320:29:36

When you're ready, I want you to take a swing at me.

0:29:360:29:39

All right? Give me your best shot. Come on.

0:29:390:29:41

'All the best, mate, from your son.'

0:29:440:29:46

THEY CHANT: Turtle! Turtle! Turtle! Turtle!

0:29:460:29:51

WHISTLE BLOWS

0:29:510:29:53

What's all this?

0:29:530:29:54

You have to get up on your own.

0:30:000:30:03

That's the rule here, isn't it, children?

0:30:030:30:05

CHILDREN: Yes, Mr Hargreaves.

0:30:050:30:06

I'm not staying here. My daddy's coming to take me away.

0:30:060:30:11

Oh, your daddy, eh? Good for you.

0:30:110:30:13

'Shape up. You got to be brave, all right?

0:30:190:30:21

'No-one's taking liberties with you, boy.

0:30:210:30:23

'Give me your best shot, come on.'

0:30:230:30:25

All right?

0:30:290:30:30

No, you gotta stand on your own.

0:30:330:30:35

All right.

0:30:390:30:41

All right. Well done, son. You did good.

0:30:410:30:45

But no-one out there is going to help you.

0:30:450:30:47

Now that's seems harsh, I know,

0:30:470:30:49

but you're born on your own, you die on your own.

0:30:490:30:52

And in between, you earn your own respect.

0:30:520:30:56

Never give up, never.

0:30:560:30:57

And never step into a dead man's shoes. You know what that means?

0:30:570:31:01

It means you gotta do it for yourself.

0:31:040:31:07

Being the underdog with nothing to lose is the best place to start.

0:31:070:31:11

I'm doing pretty good at the moment, you know. Yeah?

0:31:110:31:14

I got one or two proper deals on the go. Money owed.

0:31:140:31:18

I got a nice penthouse in Old Victoria, I'm happy with me digs.

0:31:180:31:21

You should come and see me. Would you like that?

0:31:240:31:29

Would you? Yeah, I'd like that.

0:31:290:31:31

# My old man... #

0:31:410:31:43

PHONE RINGS

0:31:440:31:47

PHONE CONTINUES TO RING

0:31:540:31:57

Dad? Dad?

0:32:070:32:09

-What time is it?

-Lunchtime.

0:32:110:32:14

-Is that your mum?

-It's the school on the phone.

0:32:230:32:25

It's the headmistress.

0:32:250:32:27

'Hello? Hello?'

0:32:300:32:32

Hello?

0:32:320:32:33

'This is Baxter's headmistress. Is that Mr Dury?'

0:32:330:32:35

Yes. Mr Dury speaking. Yes.

0:32:350:32:37

-'Are you aware that Baxter had school today?'

-Mm-hm.

-'Do you understand?'

0:32:370:32:40

Yeah. No, no, I do understand, yes. Yeah, of course.

0:32:400:32:42

'I'm sure I don't need to tell you how important it is...'

0:32:420:32:45

Yeah, no, I do understand, yes. Yes. Okey-dokey, yes.

0:32:450:32:48

'Well, it's all very well saying you understand,

0:32:480:32:50

-'but this is your son's future we're talking about.'

-Mm-hm.

0:32:500:32:52

-'Your wife told me about...'

-Mm-hm. Well...

0:32:520:32:55

-'And I want you to know that I'm not...'

-You know what?

0:32:550:32:56

He was right. You are a bit of a stuck-up old cow.

0:32:560:32:59

-'I beg your pardon? How dare you!'

-Tiddley poo, madam.

0:32:590:33:02

Snotty old maggot, she is.

0:33:040:33:07

Get the kettle on, will you?

0:33:070:33:09

Ta.

0:33:180:33:19

-Where's Denise?

-She's gone out.

0:33:230:33:26

You're going to have to help me put me leg on, then.

0:33:290:33:32

Right, if you could... Come here.

0:33:340:33:36

Let me swing round, I'll put my arm round you. After three. One,

0:33:360:33:41

two, three.

0:33:410:33:44

That's it.

0:33:440:33:46

See me new leg? Look at that.

0:33:460:33:49

Phwoar.

0:33:490:33:50

Been waiting for that for ages. Beautiful.

0:33:500:33:53

You do that one, I'll do this one.

0:33:530:33:56

Get this underneath.

0:33:560:33:57

I'm still getting used to it myself, actually.

0:33:570:34:00

See what your old man has to go through every day? What a palaver.

0:34:000:34:04

"Dear Jemima, I've been working with a man called Chaz.

0:34:060:34:10

"If we do well, we will have disgusting ice cream.

0:34:100:34:14

"If we don't, we will cry.

0:34:140:34:16

"Boo-hoo! I can't wait for you to meet Denise.

0:34:160:34:19

"You should come up and visit sometime.

0:34:230:34:25

"Baxter's turning into a right little geezer.

0:34:250:34:28

"Always keep a strong heart in case of sadness.

0:34:280:34:31

"Love, your charming father,

0:34:310:34:33

"Dad, Nebbish, Clot."

0:34:330:34:36

-RADIO:

-'I'm going to disagree with Nigel.

0:34:360:34:37

'The real shock here is the whole Sex Pistols

0:34:370:34:40

'swearing on television, Bill Grundy being sacked,

0:34:400:34:42

'it all turning into some sort of moral panic.

0:34:420:34:45

'I mean, these boys are the future.

0:34:450:34:46

'They're the voice of a young generation.'

0:34:460:34:49

Fucking Sex Pistols. Bollocks.

0:34:490:34:51

And he nicked my razorblade-earring idea and all, didn't he?

0:34:510:34:54

Turn it off, Den, will you?

0:34:540:34:56

'I'm sorry, Nigel, I'm sorry.'

0:34:560:34:58

If you get bitter, you have a strong heart. Remember?

0:35:010:35:05

Never let it be said that my failure went to me head.

0:35:050:35:07

"Swearing on the television

0:35:090:35:12

"is not funny and not fucking clever!"

0:35:120:35:16

Language.

0:35:160:35:18

First words my sister ever said were, "Fuck off, Dad."

0:35:180:35:20

Must be inherited.

0:35:200:35:21

Does she sack drummers, too?

0:35:210:35:23

Incredible Hulk doesn't swear, does he?

0:35:230:35:25

-He's got a moral compass.

-That's right.

0:35:250:35:27

Moral compass? I'm an entertainer, not Christopher bleeding Columbus.

0:35:270:35:29

Oi, what do you think of that?

0:35:290:35:31

Nah, that's too, uh, too romantic. Here you go.

0:35:310:35:33

Is that all?

0:35:330:35:35

-It's been a slow week.

-Ian?

0:35:350:35:37

Uh, too satanic.

0:35:370:35:39

Oi, oi, what's wrong with that one?

0:35:390:35:41

-You're always giving me that one.

-Yeah, and?

0:35:410:35:44

We know all about that, Ian.

0:35:440:35:46

Oh, no, no, Chaz, Chaz, Chaz. That,

0:35:460:35:48

that is a riddle. It's a love song. It's a questioning.

0:35:480:35:51

It's a striving of the human soul.

0:35:510:35:53

It's just... It's called Sex, Drugs & Rock & Roll.

0:35:530:35:56

That's good.

0:35:560:35:57

-Mmmm, it's too obvious.

-Tell him, Denny.

0:35:570:35:59

Look, it's a celebration. It's...

0:35:590:36:01

It's an anthem for all the outsiders, for all the uglies,

0:36:010:36:04

for all the freaks, you know,

0:36:040:36:05

who are slaving away every day in their shit shirts

0:36:050:36:09

and their shit shoes, trying to fit in.

0:36:090:36:13

"Is that all there is to life?" they ask.

0:36:130:36:15

And then, lo and behold...

0:36:150:36:18

HE HUMS

0:36:180:36:22

-Can you dance to that, Denny?

-Yeah, if you dance with me.

0:36:220:36:26

You nicked that.

0:36:260:36:27

God, everyone's a critic these days, aren't they?

0:36:270:36:30

The immature artist plagiarises and the mature artist steals.

0:36:300:36:33

And I am about to grow up.

0:36:330:36:35

Sex, drugs and rock'n'roll.

0:36:410:36:43

OK, how about...

0:36:450:36:46

See? Blue's your colour, you know that?

0:36:480:36:51

That's it. That's it.

0:36:510:36:52

# Grey is such a pity... #

0:36:540:36:57

Yeah! Look at you all! Look, look.

0:36:580:37:00

-You're magnificent!

-You are going to be

0:37:000:37:03

-just like your dad.

-No, no.

0:37:030:37:05

-A proper little geezer.

-No.

0:37:050:37:06

-Baxter, come on.

-Don't.

0:37:060:37:08

Baxter, stop fidgeting.

0:37:080:37:09

-Bax...

-Stop it.

0:37:090:37:11

-Don't be such a baby.

-Get off.

0:37:110:37:12

Who did that?

0:37:160:37:18

Boys.

0:37:180:37:19

Bigger boys.

0:37:200:37:21

They said I was posh.

0:37:230:37:25

Are we posh?

0:37:260:37:27

No, we're arts and crafts.

0:37:290:37:31

That's what we are. We're arts and crafts.

0:37:320:37:34

There. That's handsome, isn't it?

0:37:400:37:42

LOUD MUSIC PLAYS

0:37:470:37:52

Baxter!

0:38:040:38:06

There he is, here's my son.

0:38:060:38:08

These are all my friends. Say hi to Baxter, everybody.

0:38:080:38:10

Big round of applause for my son.

0:38:100:38:12

Baxter Front, I like to call him.

0:38:120:38:14

Listen, we haven't tried this one before.

0:38:180:38:20

It's a little experimentation. Oi, Chaz, let's start this up.

0:38:200:38:22

We'll go for the rock. We'll have White Face, Black Shirt, White Socks.

0:38:220:38:25

One, two, three, four.

0:38:250:38:26

# Who, who, who slapped John?

0:38:260:38:28

# White face, black shirt White socks, black shoes

0:38:320:38:34

# Black hair, white Strat, bled white, died black

0:38:340:38:37

# Sweet Gene Vincent

0:38:370:38:40

# There's one in every town

0:38:400:38:43

# And the devil drives

0:38:430:38:44

# Till the hearse arrives

0:38:440:38:46

# And you lay that pistol down... #

0:38:460:38:47

Just keep singing that last verse.

0:38:470:38:49

# Sweet Gene Vincent

0:38:490:38:51

# There's one in every town

0:38:510:38:54

# And the devil drives till the hearse... #

0:38:540:38:56

Keep singing!

0:38:560:38:58

# Sweet Gene Vincent... #

0:39:000:39:02

I hope you don't mind me saying,

0:39:110:39:12

but you are being a bit of a right old moody.

0:39:120:39:14

-We said we'd look after him, Ian.

-Yeah, I know. He's my son.

0:39:140:39:17

-I've got him a driver and everything.

-What, someone reliable?

0:39:170:39:20

-Yeah, yeah, of course.

-Really?

-I mean, the man was

0:39:200:39:23

a roadie with Led Zeppelin, for fuck's sake.

0:39:230:39:25

All right, Baxter?

0:39:250:39:27

I've got a little surprise for you.

0:39:270:39:30

Oh, speak of the devil, and he will appear.

0:39:300:39:33

Can you feel him slouching ever nearer?

0:39:330:39:36

Ooh, has Santa Claus come early this year? No...

0:39:360:39:39

No, it's the Sulphate Strangler!

0:39:390:39:43

# The sons of the prophet were brave men and bold

0:39:540:39:58

# And quite unaccustomed to fear

0:39:580:40:01

# But the bravest by far in the ranks of the Shah

0:40:010:40:04

# Was Abdul Abulbul Amir

0:40:040:40:06

# One day, this bold Russian

0:40:060:40:09

# He shouldered his gun

0:40:090:40:11

# And donned his most truculent sneer

0:40:110:40:14

# Downtown he did go where he trod on the toe

0:40:140:40:18

# Of Abdul Abulbul Amir. #

0:40:180:40:21

-Watch it!

-Oh, shit! Oh, sorry.

0:40:240:40:26

Lovely.

0:40:300:40:31

You all right, Dad?

0:41:320:41:33

'I'm doing pretty good at the moment, you know.

0:41:530:41:56

'You should come and see me.

0:41:560:41:59

'Would you like that?'

0:41:590:42:00

ENGINE REVS

0:43:080:43:09

# The sons of the prophet were brave men and bold

0:43:120:43:14

# And quite unaccustomed to fear... #

0:43:140:43:16

BELL RINGS

0:43:160:43:18

Your mum told your dad to tell me to make sure you went in.

0:43:200:43:23

-Now, go on.

-I look like a prick.

0:43:230:43:26

Well, that went well, then.

0:43:450:43:48

Come on.

0:43:480:43:49

-Did you?

-Don't shout at me!

0:43:570:43:58

I'm not shouting. Who's shouting?

0:43:580:44:00

Did you or did you not try and sell my typewriter?

0:44:010:44:03

How would you know? Cos it says in here,

0:44:030:44:05

"For sale, Ian Dury's fucking typewriter"!

0:44:050:44:08

All right, I did it.

0:44:080:44:09

-I admit it, all right?

-Hello?

0:44:090:44:11

Ian, we need to work.

0:44:120:44:14

But you know what, Ian? No-one fucking wanted it.

0:44:140:44:16

I am not your fucking pet, all right?

0:44:160:44:19

-That's what it's about, is it?

-I'm as hungry for this as you are.

0:44:190:44:21

Oh, boo. The green-eyed monster's coming out, is it?

0:44:210:44:25

The world doesn't revolve around you!

0:44:250:44:27

Oh, I think you'll find it fucking does.

0:44:270:44:30

How was school?

0:44:300:44:32

OK.

0:44:320:44:34

-Fuck you!

-Feeling left out, are you?

0:44:340:44:37

-Double fuck you.

-Oh, fucking hell, that hurt.

0:44:370:44:40

Write some lines! I will show more respect!

0:44:400:44:43

And I'm doing all this fucking work, all this work

0:44:430:44:46

for the family, right? You and me. You and me, it's for us.

0:44:460:44:49

Oh, God.

0:44:520:44:54

Bloody hell, you fight like a bloke, Denny.

0:44:540:44:56

Oh, great. Broke me new leg.

0:45:000:45:02

Can you help me take it off, please?

0:45:040:45:06

Ian? Hello?

0:45:060:45:08

Everything you do is for the family, is it, Ian?

0:45:100:45:12

-Yeah, yeah.

-Right, that's fucking bollocks.

0:45:120:45:15

Everything you do is for you, on your terms.

0:45:150:45:18

And if the rest of us happen to fit along,

0:45:180:45:20

then that is a fucking bonus.

0:45:200:45:22

Is that what you think, is it?

0:45:220:45:23

-Yeah, that's what I think.

-Yeah? Is that what you really think?

0:45:230:45:26

Cos if that's right,

0:45:270:45:29

well, you better fuck off, then, because do you know what?

0:45:290:45:31

I can't handle this. I can't handle this.

0:45:310:45:32

I'm on a flow at the moment, right? I'm right in it. I'm right inside it.

0:45:320:45:36

And you're getting right inside my brain,

0:45:360:45:37

when I'm on one, and I won't have it, all right?

0:45:370:45:39

So if you can't handle it, then fuck off.

0:45:390:45:41

You think you can do without me, do you, Ian?

0:45:430:45:45

-Yeah.

-Really?

0:45:450:45:47

Walk away.

0:45:500:45:52

Can I have me leg back?

0:45:520:45:55

Oi, don't leave me on the floor. I'm a raspberry.

0:45:550:45:57

Nice throw.

0:46:030:46:04

Just...

0:46:070:46:09

Got it!

0:46:090:46:11

Fuck! Fuck!

0:46:130:46:14

We can rebuild him.

0:46:160:46:18

Woo-hoo-hoo!

0:46:180:46:19

He just needs a bit of distance.

0:46:240:46:26

I'm either too close or not far enough away.

0:46:260:46:28

Denise, what...

0:46:300:46:31

What happened to him, happened a long time ago.

0:46:330:46:36

There's nothing we can do about it now.

0:46:360:46:38

Everyone has their weakness.

0:46:400:46:42

It's just that his weakness is so obvious,

0:46:430:46:47

he doesn't need to worry about it.

0:46:470:46:49

But what about me?

0:46:500:46:52

What am I supposed to do?

0:46:530:46:55

My weakness is loving him.

0:46:550:46:57

Dad's home.

0:47:080:47:09

I'm knocking 40.

0:47:130:47:15

I'm a bit of a shorty.

0:47:160:47:19

Little bit haughty, a bit nutty, a bit naughty...

0:47:190:47:22

Enough with the rhyming couplets.

0:47:220:47:24

Look, I will pay front money for the room,

0:47:240:47:26

proper wedge. You can be the stern landlady,

0:47:260:47:30

with the surgical stockings and the twinkle in her eye...

0:47:300:47:32

-This is serious.

-I will be generally a domestic god for the duration.

0:47:320:47:36

I promise. Please.

0:47:360:47:38

Oh, come on, Bet, just this once.

0:47:380:47:40

I've got work.

0:47:400:47:42

All right?

0:47:470:47:48

Faster. Cured.

0:47:520:47:56

Healthy.

0:47:560:47:58

WHISTLE BLARES

0:47:580:48:00

Up, up, up!

0:48:000:48:03

Sliders out first, then walkers. Legs and hands on!

0:48:030:48:06

Come on! Come on, let's be having you.

0:48:060:48:10

Oi, get a move on.

0:48:100:48:11

Up, up, up!

0:48:140:48:16

Oi, Dury, get on with it.

0:48:170:48:19

Oh! Oh!

0:48:300:48:32

Shitter!

0:48:320:48:34

-THEY CHANT:

-Shitter, shitter, shitter!

0:48:340:48:37

-Faster. Cured.

-Shitter, shitter.

0:48:370:48:40

Shitter, shitter.

0:48:400:48:42

-Faster.

-Shitter, shitter.

0:48:420:48:44

-Cured.

-Shitter, shitter.

0:48:440:48:46

-Shitter, shitter.

-All right, all right!

0:48:460:48:48

Get a move on!

0:48:480:48:49

Where's your daddy now?

0:48:540:48:56

Healthier. Improving.

0:49:030:49:07

Greenness, cured.

0:49:070:49:09

Frustration. Stagger.

0:49:090:49:12

Stun!

0:49:120:49:14

Knock one down

0:49:150:49:18

with a feather, clever...

0:49:180:49:21

Clever Trevor.

0:49:210:49:23

See, the English language

0:49:230:49:25

is a gloriously sophisticated smorgasbord of words and phrases.

0:49:250:49:30

Songwriting's really not that complicated.

0:49:300:49:32

It's all about the verbals. I'll go first.

0:49:320:49:36

Cock.

0:49:360:49:38

Your turn.

0:49:380:49:39

-Willy.

-Dick.

0:49:390:49:41

-Knob.

-Love truncheon.

0:49:410:49:43

-Dong.

-Meat and two veg.

0:49:430:49:46

Um...

0:49:460:49:48

Come on, keep them coming.

0:49:480:49:50

-Rhythm stick.

-Chopper.

0:49:500:49:52

-Old man.

-Pork sword.

0:49:520:49:55

One-eyed trouser snake.

0:49:550:49:56

Ah!

0:49:560:49:58

Look at you all, look. Bloody marvellous.

0:49:580:50:00

I love being in the warm bosoms of my family.

0:50:000:50:04

You know why?

0:50:040:50:06

Because...

0:50:060:50:08

I love warm bosoms.

0:50:080:50:09

Dad...

0:50:090:50:11

Come on, dinner's on the table.

0:50:110:50:13

Come on, then. Touch me again and I'll punch your head in.

0:51:200:51:24

Kick your head in. Kick your head in!

0:51:240:51:26

Touch me again and I'll kick your fucking teeth

0:51:260:51:29

so far down your Gregory Peck,

0:51:290:51:31

you'll be able to eat out of your Khyber Pass!

0:51:310:51:32

-Fuck me, look who it is.

-Fuck off!

0:51:320:51:34

Dreary Dury, the Dancing Durex.

0:51:340:51:36

-Don't get snotty on me, posh boy.

-Leave me alone.

0:51:360:51:39

Yeah, walk away! Fuck off!

0:51:390:51:41

Going to get your Spazzy Joe dad to come and save you?

0:51:410:51:42

Cos guess what? We don't give a shit who he is.

0:51:420:51:44

-Fucking spaz.

-What's his name again?

0:51:440:51:46

-Captain Cripple the Raspberry Ripple!

-Fuck off.

0:51:460:51:48

Who the fuck do you think you are?

0:51:480:51:50

You learnt some words, have you? Proper little villain.

0:51:500:51:52

All right, Bax?

0:51:570:51:59

All right, Strang?

0:51:590:52:01

You know you've got blood coming out of your nose?

0:52:010:52:03

"Who awoke the sleeping tiger?

0:52:110:52:14

"It was thee.

0:52:150:52:17

"The dormant devil did no harm...

0:52:180:52:22

"..except to me.

0:52:240:52:26

"The writer sat, scratching his arse...

0:52:280:52:33

.."wishing he wasn't middle class..."

0:52:340:52:37

I've met someone else.

0:52:540:52:56

What, around here? You want to be careful.

0:52:560:52:59

He's Welsh.

0:53:010:53:03

-He does ceramics.

-Oh, pottery sheep?

0:53:030:53:06

We should think about getting a divorce.

0:53:080:53:10

No.

0:53:100:53:12

No.

0:53:120:53:14

It would be better for you, better for the kids, better for Denise.

0:53:140:53:17

That's far too logical.

0:53:170:53:19

No, Bet, that would be just like tossing everything away.

0:53:210:53:26

-Don't do this, Ian.

-I love you.

0:53:260:53:28

I know you love me.

0:53:280:53:30

But you don't need me.

0:53:320:53:34

There's someone else who needs me.

0:53:390:53:41

HE KNOCKS

0:54:010:54:03

Hello.

0:54:070:54:09

Welcome home.

0:54:090:54:11

-I missed you.

-Oh, I missed you, too.

0:54:110:54:14

You have painted.

0:54:310:54:34

Mm-hm. Freshen it up.

0:54:340:54:36

I thought it was looking a bit jaded.

0:54:370:54:39

-You don't like it, do you?

-I didn't say that.

0:54:450:54:48

But you don't.

0:54:500:54:51

It's all very...

0:54:580:55:00

..white.

0:55:020:55:04

CROWD CHEERS

0:55:070:55:10

Knock, knock.

0:55:220:55:24

Who's there?

0:55:280:55:30

We got some great tunes.

0:55:350:55:36

Now all we need is a band with a drummer I can't sack. Hit me!

0:55:360:55:40

-One.

-Two!

-Three.

-Four!

0:55:400:55:41

# You must have seen parties of Blockheads

0:55:470:55:50

# With blotched and lagered skin

0:55:500:55:52

# Blockheads with food particles in their teeth

0:55:530:55:55

# What a horrible state they're in

0:55:550:55:58

# They've got womanly breasts under pale mauve vests

0:55:580:56:01

# Shoes like dead pigs' noses

0:56:010:56:04

# Cornflake packet jacket Catalogue trousers

0:56:040:56:07

# A mouth what never closes

0:56:070:56:10

# You must have seen Blockheads in raucous teams

0:56:100:56:13

# Dressed up after work

0:56:130:56:16

# Who screw their poor old Eileens

0:56:160:56:19

# Get sloshed and go berserk

0:56:190:56:21

# Rotary access watches

0:56:220:56:25

# Hire-purchase signet rings

0:56:250:56:28

# A beauty to the bully boys

0:56:280:56:31

# No lonely vestige clings

0:56:310:56:33

# Blockheads Oi!

0:56:330:56:35

# Blockheads Oi!

0:56:350:56:36

# Blockheads

0:56:360:56:38

# Blockheads

0:56:380:56:39

# Blockheads

0:56:390:56:40

# Blockheads

0:56:400:56:42

# Blockheads

0:56:420:56:44

# Blockheads

0:56:440:56:45

# Blockheads

0:56:450:56:46

# Blockheads

0:56:460:56:48

# Blockheads

0:56:480:56:49

# Blockheads

0:56:490:56:51

# Blockheads Oi! Oi!

0:56:510:56:52

# Blockheads

0:56:520:56:54

# Blockhead, Blockhead, Blockhead, Blockhead, Blockhead! #

0:57:090:57:15

CROWD CHANTS: Ian! Ian! Ian!

0:57:150:57:18

BLOWS WHISTLE

0:57:180:57:19

Oh, this is it. Just on the right. Pull in here.

0:57:220:57:25

Oh, my life! God, it hasn't changed one little iota.

0:57:350:57:38

Right, then, Chris.

0:57:540:57:56

-Let's get this done before we attract too much attention.

-OK, Ian.

0:57:560:57:59

-Nice.

-Oi! What are you doing?

0:58:040:58:06

-I'm bored.

-Only boring people get bored.

0:58:060:58:09

Go on, off you go.

0:58:090:58:10

Baxter, I'm not going to tell you again.

0:58:130:58:15

Couple of more poses.

0:58:170:58:18

Come on, Baxter, I'm working.

0:58:220:58:23

Hold it. Hold it there.

0:58:250:58:27

Got it.

0:58:290:58:30

Go on, off you go, son.

0:58:310:58:33

Ladies and gentlemen,

0:58:360:58:38

please welcome the jewel in the English crown,

0:58:380:58:40

Mr Ian Dury!

0:58:400:58:42

One, two, three, four!

0:58:480:58:50

# Sex and drugs and rock and roll

0:58:500:58:52

# Are all my brain and body need

0:58:540:58:56

# Sex and drugs and rock and roll

0:58:580:59:00

# Is very good indeed

0:59:050:59:07

# Every bit of clothing ought to make you pretty

0:59:070:59:11

# You can cut the clothing Grey is such a pity

0:59:110:59:15

# I should wear the clothing of Mr Walter Mitty

0:59:150:59:19

# See my tailor, he's called Simon I know it's going to fit

0:59:190:59:24

# Here's a little bit of advice

0:59:270:59:30

# You're quite welcome, it is free

0:59:300:59:32

# Don't do nothing that is cut price

0:59:320:59:34

# You know what it'll make you be

0:59:340:59:36

# They will try their tricky device

0:59:360:59:38

# Trap you with the ordinary

0:59:380:59:40

# Get your teeth into a small slice

0:59:400:59:43

# The cake of liberty!

0:59:430:59:45

# Sex and drugs and rock and roll

1:00:011:00:05

# Sex and drugs and rock and roll

1:00:051:00:09

AUDIENCE: # Sex and drugs and rock and roll

1:00:091:00:14

# Sex and drugs and rock and roll

1:00:141:00:18

# Sex and drugs and rock and roll

1:00:181:00:22

# Sex and drugs and rock and roll

1:00:221:00:26

# Sex and drugs and rock and roll

1:00:261:00:30

# Sex and drugs and rock and roll. #

1:00:301:00:36

AUDIENCE CHANTS: Ian! Ian! Ian! Ian!

1:01:031:01:06

-Ian!

-Ian!

1:01:101:01:12

See, people imagine people like me want all of that,

1:01:161:01:22

to be popular and famous, but I don't.

1:01:221:01:26

I prefer being a lurker, cos I like being naughty.

1:01:261:01:30

Paul McCartney says when he gets recognised,

1:01:301:01:32

he just walks brusquely away.

1:01:321:01:34

Well, if I walk brusquely away, I fall over and down I go a-tumble.

1:01:341:01:39

Did I say you could laugh?

1:01:391:01:40

-Touch me, Ian! Touch me!

-I ain't the fucking Pope, am I?

1:01:401:01:44

Now you can laugh.

1:01:441:01:46

-Ian!

-Ian!

1:01:481:01:50

So, how's the new gaff? Is it keeping all you guys productive?

1:02:001:02:04

Well, you've got to pace your life, lie fallow for stages,

1:02:041:02:08

so that's what I'm doing.

1:02:081:02:10

Biding me time till I'm ready to pounce.

1:02:101:02:13

Bax? Bax? Don't you want to swim?

1:02:141:02:19

-You sure?

-Yeah.

1:02:191:02:20

You yourself, have you lost that common touch people said you had?

1:02:221:02:26

Oh, well, that all depends on where I'm touching them, doesn't it?

1:02:261:02:28

Well, is it possible to maintain a uniqueness, do you think?

1:02:281:02:32

Well, we're all unique, aren't we? Eh?

1:02:321:02:34

Yeah, but if you wish to package that uniqueness,

1:02:341:02:39

well, then you take risks.

1:02:391:02:41

Don't we, Denise? Eh?

1:02:411:02:43

Even with things in love?

1:02:431:02:46

Love. Mmm.

1:02:461:02:48

Well, there are people in this world who act purely out of love.

1:02:481:02:51

Whereas, me, I'm a wanker being interviewed by a cunt and I love it.

1:02:511:02:56

Am I making a bit of a kipper of meself, Denny?

1:02:561:02:58

I think this little squirt wants to know... (how we're getting on).

1:02:581:03:03

Well, I'd like to be at home.

1:03:031:03:04

Oh, would you? Well, this is home.

1:03:041:03:06

No, this is rented for a small fortune, actually.

1:03:061:03:09

Oh, well, you know, we've gotta be here

1:03:091:03:10

cos we've got to work, haven't we?

1:03:101:03:12

It's industrial relations now. No time for real relations.

1:03:121:03:15

Yeah, I'd noticed.

1:03:151:03:17

All right, goose?

1:03:281:03:29

Amphetamines. Speed, Billy Whizz,

1:03:331:03:36

Black Beauties, sulphate. Righteous stuff.

1:03:361:03:39

Originally a nasal decongestant.

1:03:391:03:41

Used during the war. It keeps you awake.

1:03:411:03:44

Basically, speed won the Battle of Britain.

1:03:441:03:48

They were flying very high, those boys. Literally.

1:03:481:03:50

-That's a lot.

-Don't want to withdraw. Here you go.

1:03:531:03:56

Go on, son. Give it here.

1:04:021:04:04

-FILM:

-Your lives are to be spared.

1:04:091:04:11

The terrible penalty of crucifixion has been set aside...

1:04:111:04:15

-What's this?

-..on the single condition

1:04:151:04:18

that you identify the body or the living person

1:04:181:04:22

of the slave called Spartacus.

1:04:221:04:24

-I'm Spartacus!

-I'm Spartacus!

1:04:261:04:28

Ow!

1:04:281:04:30

-You spilled me nuts.

-Oh, sorry.

1:04:301:04:32

They're gone now.

1:04:321:04:34

I'm Spartacus!

1:04:341:04:36

-We should work.

-Sshh.

1:04:361:04:38

-Kirk Douglas is just about to get crucified.

-Yeah, I know,

1:04:381:04:40

but I've just written a brilliant riff, right?

1:04:401:04:42

-I promise you, it's a brilliant..

-Just relax, will you? You doughnut.

1:04:421:04:45

Ian, listen, it's fantastic. We should go and work on it.

1:04:451:04:48

What are you? Some kind of mad nutty professor?

1:04:481:04:49

Will you shut up? I'm trying to watch the movie.

1:04:491:04:51

-Chaz, you're standing in my way.

-I've got to get the guitar.

1:04:571:05:00

Will you get me some more nuts?

1:05:001:05:02

Actually, can you get me some olives, as well? Stoned.

1:05:021:05:04

EVERYONE GROANS

1:05:041:05:07

Take a month.

1:05:111:05:12

Come on, Baxter, what's wrong with you?

1:05:171:05:19

-Scared of a bit of water?

-Leave him alone, Ian.

1:05:191:05:22

-Just jump in, it's the only way.

-No, I don't want to.

1:05:221:05:24

-Look, he doesn't want to, Ian.

-Go on, I dare you.

1:05:241:05:27

-It's bloody freezing.

-Go on.

1:05:271:05:28

-Let him off. Go on, Bax.

-No, no.

1:05:281:05:30

70% of the world is covered in water. It's a very dangerous place.

1:05:301:05:34

-Go on, Bax. Go on.

-Where are you going?

1:05:341:05:37

-Oi!

-Why don't YOU jump in?

1:05:371:05:40

Actually, I was a brilliant swimmer.

1:05:401:05:43

Don't you think how lucky we are?

1:05:431:05:46

Very big house and a pool

1:05:461:05:48

and a record at number one in the hit parade.

1:05:481:05:51

-Don't that make you happy?

-You need sleep, Ian.

1:05:511:05:53

Yeah, plenty of time for sleeping when you're dead.

1:05:531:05:57

The last chicken in the shop,

1:06:031:06:06

the juicy golden goosey...

1:06:061:06:09

..and I am cooked.

1:06:111:06:12

# In the deserts of Sudan

1:06:401:06:44

# And the gardens of Japan

1:06:441:06:49

# From Milan to Yucatan

1:06:491:06:53

# Every womans' every man

1:06:531:06:58

# Hit me with your rhythm stick

1:06:581:07:00

# Hit me Hit me

1:07:001:07:02

# It's good, c'est fantastique

1:07:021:07:04

# Hit me, hit me, hit me!

1:07:041:07:06

# Hit me with your rhythm stick

1:07:061:07:08

# It's nice to be a lunatic

1:07:081:07:11

# Hit me! Hit me!

1:07:111:07:13

# Hit me!

1:07:131:07:15

# Hit me. #

1:07:201:07:22

Turn your fucking mic down! I can't hear myself think.

1:07:241:07:26

-# Hit me! #

-Stop fucking me around!

1:07:261:07:28

Oh, come on, man.

1:07:281:07:30

I already told you once.

1:07:301:07:32

INCOHERENT SHOUTING

1:07:351:07:38

Forget it!

1:07:471:07:48

# Jingle bells

1:07:511:07:52

# Rudolph smells

1:07:521:07:54

# Santa shagged an elf

1:07:541:07:57

# Tiny Tim plays with his crutch and thinks it is himself. #

1:07:571:08:00

Happy Christmas!

1:08:071:08:09

I'm...the husband.

1:08:091:08:12

So, where'd you get your black eye from?

1:08:161:08:18

Well, it's funny you should say that, actually, because, erm...

1:08:181:08:22

-Sorry, what's your name again?

-Clive.

1:08:221:08:25

Anyway, so we were at this posh restaurant... Where were we, Strang?

1:08:251:08:30

-Oh, Caprice.

-Caprice.

1:08:301:08:32

Fucking I look over, right? And I say,

1:08:321:08:36

"Look, it's Omar fucking Sharif. It is!"

1:08:361:08:39

So I go all the way over. And I go over and I says to him,

1:08:391:08:43

"Your first film was great and the rest were shit."

1:08:431:08:45

And he said, "I don't give a fuck what you think."

1:08:451:08:48

And I said, "Oh, you're a cunt." And he said, "Fucking come on, then"

1:08:481:08:52

and then he fucking smacked me right in the face.

1:08:521:08:54

I mean, talk about overreacting.

1:08:541:08:56

Fucking nice fighter.

1:08:561:08:59

That's the most expensive fist you'll ever have in your mouth.

1:08:591:09:02

Do you want stuffing with that?

1:09:021:09:04

Ooh.

1:09:041:09:05

Not too much for me, darling.

1:09:221:09:25

That's too much. Thanks.

1:09:251:09:27

IAN LAUGHS

1:09:431:09:45

"Home improvement expert

1:10:141:10:18

"Harold Hill of Harold Hill

1:10:181:10:21

"Came home to find another gentleman's kippers in his grill

1:10:221:10:28

"So he sanded the geezer's winkle off with a Black & Decker drill."

1:10:311:10:36

You're all right, Clive. You know that?

1:10:501:10:53

Merry Christmas.

1:10:531:10:55

Quite finished now. Get on with the fucking thing.

1:11:001:11:02

Something wrong with you, man. "Stand up, sit down."

1:11:061:11:08

-I can't keep up with you.

-Oh, whinge, whinge, whinge.

1:11:081:11:10

I'm going to be keeping my eyes on you.

1:11:101:11:12

Come out of my face with that thing, man.

1:11:121:11:14

And my name is Desmond, not Sparky.

1:11:141:11:17

Desi. Desi-ray. Desi-ray...

1:11:171:11:20

-Desmond.

-All right, Desi-ray.

1:11:201:11:23

Like your shirt, by the way.

1:11:231:11:24

I used to have one like that in the 1970s, you know.

1:11:241:11:27

Oi, come on, give us a smile. What's wrong with that?

1:11:271:11:30

Come inside and close the bloodclaat door, man.

1:11:301:11:32

Fucking Strang, Strang.

1:11:321:11:34

-Now we get on with the show.

-Right. Time is money. Money is time.

1:11:351:11:37

This is expensive equipment. Can we do this?

1:11:371:11:40

Come on, then.

1:11:401:11:41

# Noel Coward was a charmer

1:11:471:11:51

# As a writer he was Brahma

1:11:511:11:55

# With... MUSIC STOPS

1:11:551:11:56

I can't be dealing with this thing, man.

1:11:561:11:58

What was wrong with that? That was perfect.

1:11:581:12:00

Do it again. Do it again.

1:12:001:12:01

Sorry. Sorry, guys. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry.

1:12:011:12:03

Please forgive me. Please, please, please. All right.

1:12:031:12:06

They've got no fucking sense of humour, that lot, I tell you.

1:12:061:12:10

# Noel Coward was a charmer... #

1:12:101:12:13

-Try pitching it up a little bit.

-What?

1:12:131:12:15

-Pitch it. Pitch it.

-Listen to the white boy and add pitch.

1:12:151:12:17

-Pitching? They want pitching.

-OK, we're going to do one more.

1:12:171:12:20

-Fuck 'em.

-This is ridiculous, man.

1:12:201:12:22

It sound like a bad version of Barry White.

1:12:221:12:24

-What the fuck did he just say?

-You better...

1:12:241:12:26

Chaz. What did he say?

1:12:261:12:28

All right. One more time.

1:12:281:12:30

Just... Just cool the fuck down, man.

1:12:321:12:34

Get me up! Get me fucking up. You cunt!

1:12:461:12:49

Look at my drums! Look at my drums!

1:12:491:12:52

You don't touch one of my instruments, you...

1:12:521:12:54

That's it.

1:12:561:12:58

-Get out of my studio.

-Look, look. Look.

1:12:581:13:00

See, I've got egg all over my fucking face and all, right.

1:13:001:13:04

Jesus. I'll kill you!

1:13:041:13:06

-Just calm down.

-Fuck off, mate.

1:13:081:13:10

-You is a dead man.

-Where's my fucking manager?

1:13:101:13:13

You're a dead man. You're a dead man.

1:13:131:13:15

-Here are your eggs.

-You're a dead man!

1:13:151:13:18

The only thing a manager is good for is doing up your fly

1:13:181:13:21

after a good fucking wank.

1:13:211:13:23

Barry White. I'll give you Barry fucking White, you cunt.

1:13:231:13:27

..never try to teach a pig to sing

1:13:391:13:42

because it wastes time and it annoys the pig!

1:13:421:13:45

# Do re mi so far so good! #

1:13:471:13:53

Aaaaah!

1:13:531:13:56

Police brutality!

1:13:561:13:58

I'm sorry.

1:14:251:14:26

I know. We all want to escape ourselves.

1:15:011:15:05

Best to learn your place.

1:15:051:15:07

Accept your cripplage.

1:15:091:15:11

Denny.

1:15:181:15:19

It's good to see you.

1:15:221:15:23

I think I need a bit of saving.

1:15:261:15:27

Where you been?

1:15:281:15:31

Coming and going.

1:15:311:15:32

-Oi, oi.

-Oi, oi.

1:15:361:15:37

Ian, I, um...

1:15:431:15:45

-I need some time off.

-Yeah, don't we all?

1:15:451:15:48

Yeah, I need to, um, get away and do my own stuff.

1:15:481:15:53

Don't be a doughnut. There's plenty of time for all that

1:15:531:15:55

-when you've had a proper shave.

-I'm serious.

1:15:551:15:57

-Is there a boozer round here?

-Yeah, round the corner. The Feathers.

1:15:591:16:03

So, Baxter.

1:16:131:16:15

I understand you've found it difficult

1:16:151:16:18

to fit in at other schools.

1:16:181:16:20

Well, our motto here is Ex Corde Vita.

1:16:201:16:25

Out of the heart springs life.

1:16:251:16:28

Baxter? Baxter?

1:16:301:16:33

Tell me, what would you like to achieve here?

1:16:331:16:35

What would you like to do?

1:16:351:16:38

Hmm?

1:16:381:16:39

Baxter?

1:16:401:16:42

I'll tell you what.

1:16:461:16:48

I'll leave you alone for a moment, just to have a little think.

1:16:481:16:51

# Arseholes, bastards, fucking cunts and pricks

1:17:031:17:08

# Aerosol the bricks

1:17:111:17:16

# A lawless brat from a council flat Oh, oh. #

1:17:201:17:24

Come on, Baxter.

1:18:171:18:20

That's it. Come on, sit up straight. It's all right. It's OK.

1:18:201:18:23

Big, deep breaths. Big, deep breaths. That's a good boy.

1:18:231:18:27

Come on, you can do it. Fatten your lungs up.

1:18:271:18:30

In and out. In and out.

1:18:301:18:35

In and out. In and out.

1:18:351:18:40

That's it. That's it.

1:18:401:18:42

I'm sorry.

1:18:501:18:52

-You're always saying you're sorry.

-Am I?

1:18:541:18:57

Yeah.

1:18:571:18:58

Well, that's cos... Well, that's cos I am.

1:19:021:19:04

OK.

1:19:061:19:08

You don't want to be like me, Baxter.

1:19:111:19:14

Please don't try and be like me.

1:19:141:19:16

You want to be like you.

1:19:191:19:20

We're all on our own, remember?

1:19:231:19:26

No, Dad. I'm here.

1:19:261:19:28

What's been going on?

1:19:471:19:49

Just the same, you know.

1:19:491:19:51

How are you?

1:19:511:19:52

Sometimes it doesn't work out, OK?

1:19:551:19:57

Sometimes you have to save yourself.

1:20:041:20:06

Did you have a nice time, Bax?

1:20:261:20:28

How's your dad?

1:20:321:20:33

"I'm fine, Mummy. Thanks for asking."

1:20:361:20:39

Mum?

1:21:001:21:02

Mum?

1:21:021:21:04

Mum!

1:21:041:21:05

Christ almighty.

1:21:241:21:27

Language.

1:21:271:21:28

You look terrible.

1:21:431:21:44

Thanks.

1:21:461:21:47

Grapes.

1:21:521:21:53

-I blame myself.

-For the grapes?

1:21:591:22:01

I've not been particularly full of the joie de vivre.

1:22:031:22:07

All the colours have gone.

1:22:101:22:12

Wanted the world to go away, too.

1:22:151:22:17

It almost did.

1:22:211:22:22

Count the blessings in the here and now, eh?

1:22:241:22:26

Tired, Ian.

1:22:321:22:35

Will you stay?

1:22:351:22:36

Of course I will.

1:22:391:22:41

-OK, everyone. So, this is Ian.

-Hello.

1:22:551:22:58

Ian used to be a student here a few years back.

1:22:581:23:01

And everyone's very excited about you being here, aren't we?

1:23:011:23:05

Well, thank you very much. It's nice to be here.

1:23:051:23:06

Ian, I think you said it's OK if people ask you questions.

1:23:061:23:09

Yeah, go on, pile them in.

1:23:091:23:10

Don't all rush at once.

1:23:131:23:15

-OK, so...

-Who'll go first?

1:23:151:23:18

Finished? Is that it? Right. Well, I'm off, then.

1:23:181:23:20

Oh, I don't know why they've gone so quiet now.

1:23:201:23:22

They were really noisy before.

1:23:221:23:23

Oh, yeah. Cortez, you wanted to talk to Ian, didn't you?

1:23:231:23:26

-Hello.

-He says hello.

1:23:271:23:30

Oh, hello, mate. Hello. How you going? You all right?

1:23:301:23:32

What you been up to?

1:23:321:23:35

Did you always

1:23:351:23:38

want to be a singer?

1:23:381:23:42

-Did you always want to be a...

-Singer.

1:23:421:23:44

Er, well, I don't really think of myself as a singer,

1:23:441:23:47

as it happens, I think of myself as more of an entertainer, really.

1:23:471:23:50

You know, I always wanted to get up on a stage, you know.

1:23:501:23:52

Give it all that, you know.

1:23:521:23:54

I don't know how much longer I can get away with it, really,

1:23:561:23:58

cos I'm a bit of an old chap.

1:23:581:24:01

Anybody else?

1:24:011:24:03

Do you believe in God?

1:24:061:24:08

What's that?

1:24:101:24:11

Do you believe in almighty God who created us in His image?

1:24:111:24:15

I believe in good, which I think is the same thing.

1:24:161:24:21

But do you believe in God? Up in heaven?

1:24:211:24:24

Oh, I used to, but, erm...

1:24:241:24:26

-..but not any more.

-Why not?

1:24:281:24:29

Because I think that down here on Earth, I think that's...

1:24:321:24:36

that's where you got to get your nut together.

1:24:361:24:39

Typical.

1:24:391:24:41

Did you just say "typical"?

1:24:411:24:43

He's a cheeky little bugger, isn't he?

1:24:441:24:47

You're going to help me write a song, OK?

1:24:491:24:51

You're going to help me with the rhythm, right?

1:24:511:24:53

Now, rhythm. Who's tricky with rhythm? Eh?

1:24:531:24:55

Right. Rhythm, I'll have you know,

1:24:551:24:57

is the longest word in the English dictionary

1:24:571:24:59

without any vowels in it, right?

1:24:591:25:01

It's very, very special because you can feel it right here.

1:25:011:25:04

I'm going to give you a rhythm, all right? One, two, three, four.

1:25:041:25:08

One, two, three, four. Wait for it.

1:25:081:25:13

One, two, three. One, two, three.

1:25:131:25:17

One, two, three...

1:25:171:25:18

All right, louder. Everybody louder.

1:25:231:25:26

Louder!

1:25:261:25:29

Louder!

1:25:291:25:31

Go crazy! Go crazy with it! Come on.

1:25:311:25:35

Louder!

1:25:351:25:37

I think that went really well. Thank you so much.

1:25:441:25:46

I had a fight with a guy called Jimmy Coghill behind that tree.

1:25:461:25:50

Did you really? Did you win?

1:25:501:25:52

No, he knocked seven tons of shit out of me.

1:25:521:25:55

There was an orderly here by the name of Hargreaves. Is he still going?

1:25:551:26:00

I'm sorry, Ian. It was a while ago, but Mr Hargreaves took his own life.

1:26:001:26:05

He hanged himself up in one of the attics.

1:26:051:26:08

It's very sad.

1:26:081:26:10

That has made my day, that has.

1:26:191:26:21

-See you.

-Yeah, thanks again.

1:26:291:26:31

I don't know who you are any more.

1:26:431:26:44

But you know what I really can't take?

1:26:471:26:49

It's the hope.

1:26:521:26:53

The hope that it's going to get better.

1:26:551:26:58

It's not, is it?

1:27:031:27:04

Everything's out of joint.

1:27:111:27:13

I don't really know if I've got the bollocks to stop it.

1:27:151:27:18

You've got to get out of here, Denny.

1:27:251:27:28

Run away, and you got to do it all by yourself.

1:27:301:27:33

You'll still be my gracious, my family.

1:27:361:27:40

And if you ever forget that,

1:27:421:27:45

act sorry for yourself,

1:27:451:27:46

I'll come back and I'll bleedin' well haunt you.

1:27:461:27:49

You understand?

1:27:491:27:52

Hello, it's Graham, from the Spastics Society.

1:27:521:27:55

We spoke on the phone.

1:27:551:27:56

"Full participation and equality for all." That's the motto.

1:28:181:28:22

This United Nations Year of the Disabled

1:28:221:28:24

is a tremendous opportunity, you know,

1:28:241:28:26

to make people really sit up and think.

1:28:261:28:30

Of course, we're going to need all the help we can get, so...

1:28:301:28:34

Wouldn't it be wonderful if you could get back on top again?

1:28:341:28:36

Maybe a new song, maybe another hit single. Who knows?

1:28:361:28:40

-The UN are very keen.

-Are they?

1:28:401:28:42

I understand you've been dabbling in a spot of acting.

1:28:451:28:48

Oh, yeah, I've played a few villains in me time. Typecast.

1:28:481:28:52

Well, here's an opportunity to introduce yourself all over again.

1:28:521:28:55

You know, a new fan base, new beginnings.

1:28:551:28:58

Oh, dear. Your friend seems to have gone.

1:28:581:29:00

Well, look, you seem to be in a spot of trouble.

1:29:001:29:02

May I give you a lift?

1:29:021:29:03

Yeah. That'd be great.

1:29:071:29:09

It's really, er... It's really great to have you back.

1:30:161:30:20

The prodigal son returns.

1:30:201:30:21

To be a geezer like me, you...

1:30:231:30:27

you've got to be a bit of a selfish loony, really.

1:30:271:30:29

Can't bother too much about day and night

1:30:291:30:32

and right and wrong and so forth.

1:30:321:30:34

And occasionally...

1:30:341:30:38

one's behaviour

1:30:381:30:41

makes one ashamed of oneself.

1:30:411:30:44

Well, I'm glad to hear it.

1:30:461:30:49

Anyway, this Year of the Disabled... Got a chance now to get back on top.

1:30:491:30:54

Proper deals going down, so...

1:30:541:30:57

So, what, er... what have you got?

1:30:571:31:01

# When Tessie Trouble's on patrol

1:31:011:31:06

# And Suzie Sadness makes you blue

1:31:061:31:11

# When Lennie Love comes through the door... #

1:31:111:31:15

HE BLOWS A RASPBERRY

1:31:191:31:21

Well, it's not Sex, Drugs and Rock and Roll, is it?

1:31:311:31:34

Bollocks, bollocks, bollocks.

1:31:341:31:36

Fucking Year of Disabled.

1:31:371:31:39

I mean, it's like, what? Like, last year we was fine

1:31:391:31:41

and next year is going to be great, but this year, just this year,

1:31:411:31:44

oh, we're all going to be a right bunch of fucking cripples,

1:31:441:31:46

aren't we, eh? Why don't we just form a band?

1:31:461:31:49

I know, I know, we can call ourselves Spastic and the Autistics.

1:31:491:31:52

Oi, oi! You dribblin', wibblin', scribblin', cripplin' little

1:31:541:31:58

fucking hobblin', wobblin', bobblin' fantastic spastic!

1:31:581:32:02

I like it.

1:32:051:32:07

-RADIO:

-And welcome back. Well, we all like a bit of jazz, don't we?

1:32:071:32:10

And so, turning to our next item and that's the continuing controversy

1:32:101:32:13

surrounding the United Nations Year of the Disabled.

1:32:131:32:16

We're going to hear from Ian Drury,

1:32:161:32:17

the housewife's favourite punk rocker,

1:32:171:32:19

the man who put the phrase "sex and drugs and rock and roll"

1:32:191:32:22

into the English language,

1:32:221:32:23

and whose new song Spasticus Autisticus

1:32:231:32:26

has been labelled outrageous and offensive.

1:32:261:32:29

We also have with us Graham Hart from the Spastics Society

1:32:291:32:32

to talk about full participation in the Year of the Disabled.

1:32:321:32:35

-Hello, there.

-So, turning to you first, Ian Drury.

1:32:351:32:37

First of all, it's not Drury or Dreary or Doory, it's Dury.

1:32:371:32:41

But I would like to say that, yeah, I think we should all fully participate

1:32:431:32:46

in holding Graham down and chopping off his tiny little bollocks

1:32:461:32:49

-for being a spineless little shit.

-Right, Ian, thank you.

1:32:491:32:52

I don't think this is the time or the place.

1:32:521:32:53

No, it's not the time or the place. You're right. It never is, is it?

1:32:531:32:56

-I'm terribly sorry.

-Will you excuse me, please?

1:32:561:32:59

-Bandit!

-No, nobody has banned anything.

1:33:001:33:03

No, you. You're a bandit. You're a chiseller.

1:33:031:33:05

Well, they don't ban cripples, either, do they, eh?

1:33:051:33:07

They just make it difficult for them to function.

1:33:071:33:09

The song is still being played on current affairs programmes.

1:33:091:33:11

Great! Yeah, that's great!

1:33:111:33:12

Late at night when all the raspberries are tucked up in bed,

1:33:121:33:15

-oh, not doing any harm to anybody.

-Yes, well, it was found offensive.

1:33:151:33:19

How could I go up to somebody, right,

1:33:191:33:20

who's got the same disabilities as me and be offensive?

1:33:201:33:22

No, not disabled people so much, no.

1:33:221:33:24

Well, it wasn't written for you, was it? Eh? The walkie-talkies!

1:33:241:33:28

It's a war cry type of item, like "Spartacus!"

1:33:281:33:31

Yes, well, if I remember correctly, Spartacus was crucified.

1:33:311:33:33

Yeah, I'll be in good company, then, won't I?

1:33:331:33:35

Look, it was felt that what you've written just isn't very sympathetic.

1:33:351:33:39

Sympathetic? Life ain't sympathetic, right?

1:33:391:33:42

I'm not Tiny Tim. I am Ian Dury.

1:33:421:33:44

People like me do not want sympathy. They want respect.

1:33:441:33:47

It's a waste. OK?

1:33:471:33:49

People felt you had the opportunity to do something remarkable.

1:33:491:33:52

Your crowning glory, to be remembered after you've long gone.

1:33:521:33:55

I do not give a shit.

1:33:551:33:58

I don't care if I'm as popular as a Chinese pig in a synagogue.

1:33:581:34:00

I am not here to be remembered, I'm here to be alive!

1:34:001:34:05

So you take your DisUnited Nations, right,

1:34:051:34:08

and your Year of Dissembling

1:34:081:34:09

and stick it right up your fucking Harris.

1:34:091:34:12

Cunt.

1:34:141:34:15

Keep your body strong, keep your guard up.

1:34:331:34:36

Ian, I need a rest. Oh.

1:34:361:34:37

Clive and I want to be together.

1:34:451:34:48

You don't want to rush into that. Look what happened last time.

1:34:481:34:50

Some blokes turn out to be an absolute nightmare.

1:34:501:34:53

I want a divorce, Ian.

1:34:541:34:55

I still love you.

1:34:591:35:00

It's not about love, silly.

1:35:021:35:04

It's not your choice.

1:35:061:35:07

Let me go.

1:35:151:35:16

Go on, then, you're fired.

1:35:231:35:24

Darling.

1:35:271:35:29

Getting better.

1:35:311:35:33

You're not going to shout at me again, are you?

1:35:361:35:38

You actually been in yet?

1:35:551:35:57

Oh, easy, tiger.

1:36:021:36:04

-How's Mum?

-She's fine. She's going to be fine.

1:36:071:36:11

Look, er... it's done.

1:36:111:36:14

We had to let Strangler go,

1:36:161:36:18

cos, er, well, the dramas backstage

1:36:181:36:20

were getting better than the actual show.

1:36:201:36:23

Son, I'm sorry.

1:36:231:36:25

Close your eyes.

1:36:281:36:30

Go on. Go on. Close your eyes.

1:36:301:36:32

Can you feel that?

1:36:351:36:37

That's my hand.

1:36:381:36:39

From now until for ever, I will always be there.

1:36:421:36:47

Just above your shoulder.

1:36:481:36:51

All right?

1:36:511:36:52

I'll tell you what, though.

1:37:121:37:14

I've just been offered a part in a film.

1:37:141:37:16

To play an undernourished villain who wins in the end through love.

1:37:161:37:20

You could come with. Be my assistant. If you like.

1:37:211:37:25

-Don't you want to watch me swim?

-Nah. You'll be all right.

1:37:311:37:34

Just remember - keep your head up,

1:37:341:37:38

keep kicking, try not to drown.

1:37:381:37:41

"When a free man dies, he loses the pleasure of life.

1:37:541:37:58

"A slave loses his pain.

1:38:001:38:02

"Death is the only freedom a slave knows.

1:38:041:38:09

"That's why he's not afraid of it.

1:38:091:38:11

"That's why we'll win..."

1:38:131:38:15

Sit properly.

1:38:421:38:44

-Eat your fish.

-No! It's horrible.

1:38:461:38:51

What did you say?

1:38:531:38:55

You do as you're told.

1:38:551:38:56

I said, I ain't eating that, it's fucking horrible!

1:39:041:39:08

CROWD CHANTS: Ian! Ian! Ian! Ian!

1:39:401:39:43

One, two, three...

1:39:461:39:48

# I'm Spasticus, Spasticus

1:39:481:39:50

# Spasticus Autisticus

1:39:501:39:52

# I'm Spasticus, Spasticus

1:39:521:39:54

# Spasticus Autisticus

1:39:541:39:56

# I wiggle when I piddle cos my middle is a riddle

1:39:561:40:01

# Swim!

1:40:011:40:02

# Get up! Get up! Get up that dive board! Over!

1:40:161:40:20

# Whoo!

1:40:201:40:21

# So place your hard-earned peanuts in my tin

1:40:241:40:29

# And thank the Creator you're not in the state I'm in

1:40:291:40:33

# So long have I been languished on the shelf

1:40:331:40:35

# I must give all proceedings to myself

1:40:361:40:39

# Ha-ha!

1:40:391:40:41

# I'm Spasticus, Spasticus

1:40:411:40:43

# Spasticus Autisticus

1:40:431:40:45

# I'm Spasticus, Spasticus

1:40:451:40:47

# Spasticus Autisticus

1:40:471:40:49

# 54 appliances in leather and elastic

1:40:491:40:53

# 100,000 thank-yous from 27 spastics

1:40:531:40:58

# Spasticus

1:40:581:40:59

# Spasticus Autisticus

1:40:591:41:01

# I'm Spasticus, Spasticus

1:41:011:41:03

# Spasticus Autisticus

1:41:031:41:05

# Dribbling, wiggling Fiddling, nibbling

1:41:051:41:07

# Fiddling, diddling Widdling, diddling Spasticus... #

1:41:071:41:12

-I'm Spasticus!

-I'm Spasticus!

1:41:121:41:15

# I'm Spasticus! #

1:41:151:41:18

Dad!

1:41:181:41:20

I'm Spasticus!

1:41:201:41:22

I'm Spasticus!

1:41:221:41:25

I'm Spasticus!

1:41:261:41:27

# One, two, three, four

1:41:271:41:29

# Spasticus! #

1:41:291:41:31

CROWD CHANTS: Ian! Ian! Ian! Ian!

1:41:311:41:33

And the moral of the story is...

1:41:561:41:59

..don't go looking for morals in stories.

1:42:021:42:03

If you want a message, fuck off down the post office.

1:42:031:42:06

Someone once asked me if I'd missed anything.

1:42:081:42:13

Well...

1:42:131:42:14

If I'd never had a good-looking girl, a great job, great haircut,

1:42:161:42:22

then I could complain,

1:42:221:42:23

but the only thing I've ever missed is a few buses.

1:42:231:42:26

One last time, Chazanova.

1:42:301:42:32

# Blue Gene baby. #

1:42:361:42:38

Now, there are a couple of ways to avoid death.

1:42:411:42:44

And one of them is to be magnificent.

1:42:461:42:52

And this is my favourite way.

1:42:521:42:53

# Skinny white sailor The chances were slender

1:42:571:43:02

# The beauties were brief

1:43:021:43:04

# Shall I mourn your decline with some Thunderbird wine

1:43:061:43:11

# And a black handkerchief?

1:43:111:43:13

# I miss your sad

1:43:151:43:17

# Virginia whisper

1:43:191:43:21

# I miss the voice

1:43:241:43:26

# That called my heart

1:43:281:43:31

# Sweet Gene Vincent

1:43:341:43:40

# Young and old

1:43:431:43:47

# And gone. #

1:43:511:43:53

# Why don't you get back into bed?

1:44:421:44:43

# Why don't you get back into bed?

1:44:431:44:46

# Why don't you get back into bed?

1:44:461:44:48

# Reasons to be cheerful, part three

1:44:481:44:52

# Some of Buddy Holly The working folly

1:44:521:44:53

# Good Golly Miss Molly and boats

1:44:531:44:56

# Hammersmith Palais The Bolshoi Ballet

1:44:561:44:58

# Jump back in the alley add Nanny goats

1:44:581:45:00

# 18-wheeler Scammells Domineker camels

1:45:001:45:02

# All other mammals plus equal votes

1:45:021:45:04

# Seeing Piccadilly Fanny Smith and Willy

1:45:041:45:06

# Being rather silly and porridge oats

1:45:061:45:08

# A bit of grin and bear it a bit of come and share it

1:45:081:45:10

# You're welcome, we can spare it Yellow socks

1:45:101:45:12

# Too short to be haughty too nutty to be naughty

1:45:121:45:14

# Going on 40, no electric shocks

1:45:141:45:16

# The juice of the carrot the smile of the parrot

1:45:161:45:18

# A little drop of claret anything that rocks

1:45:181:45:20

# Elvis and Scotty days when I ain't spotty

1:45:201:45:22

# Sitting on the potty curing smallpox

1:45:221:45:24

# Reasons to be cheerful, part three

1:45:241:45:27

# Reasons to be cheerful, part three

1:45:281:45:31

# Reasons to be cheerful, part three

1:45:321:45:35

# Reasons to be cheerful One, two, three

1:45:361:45:40

# One, two, three

1:45:501:45:52

# Health service glasses Gigolos and brasses

1:45:521:45:54

# Round or skinny bottoms

1:45:541:45:56

# Take your mum to Paris lighting up the chalice

1:45:561:45:58

# Wee Willie Harris

1:45:581:46:00

# Bantu Stephen Biko, listening to Rico Harpo, Groucho, Chico

1:46:001:46:04

# Cheddar cheese and pickle the Vincent motorsickle

1:46:041:46:06

# Slap and tickle

1:46:061:46:08

# Woody Allen, Dali Dimitri and Pasquale

1:46:081:46:10

# Balabalabala and Volare

1:46:101:46:12

# Something nice to study Phoning up a buddy

1:46:121:46:14

# Being in my nuddy

1:46:141:46:16

# Saying okey-dokey Sing-along-a-smokie

1:46:161:46:18

# Coming along a chokey

1:46:181:46:20

# John Coltrane's soprano Adi Celentano

1:46:201:46:22

# Bonar Colleano

1:46:221:46:24

# Reasons to be cheerful, part three

1:46:241:46:27

# Reasons to be cheerful, part three

1:46:281:46:31

# Reasons to be cheerful, part three

1:46:321:46:35

# Reasons to be cheerful One, two, three

1:46:361:46:40

# Yes, yes, dear, dear

1:46:481:46:49

# Perhaps next year or maybe even never

1:46:491:46:52

# In which case

1:46:521:46:56

# Reasons to be cheerful, part three

1:47:281:47:32

# Reasons to be cheerful, part three

1:47:321:47:35

# Reasons to be cheerful, part three

1:47:361:47:39

# Reasons to be cheerful One, two, three

1:47:401:47:44

# Reasons to be cheerful, part three

1:47:441:47:48

# Reasons to be cheerful, part three

1:47:481:47:51

# Reasons to be cheerful, part three

1:47:521:47:55

# Reasons to be cheerful One, two, three. #

1:47:561:48:01

Johnny!

1:48:011:48:03

# Reasons to be cheerful One, two, three

1:48:361:48:40

# Oi, oi, oi!

1:48:431:48:44

# One, two, three. #

1:48:461:48:48

Oi, oi. Oi. Oi. Oi. Oi. Oi. Oi.

1:49:181:49:22

Now, fuck off all of you. You're fired!

1:49:221:49:25

And go and be magnificent!

1:49:251:49:26

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