Pennod 5 Y Salon


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Pennod 5

Gyda Chymru'n wynebu Lloegr dros y penwythnos, pa mor llwyddiannus bydd y Cochion eleni yn ol Maggi Noggi a Mary? Maggi Noggi and Mary discuss Wales' 6 Nations chances and playe...


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-Good morning everyone.

-Good afternoon!

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-Whatever the hour, the welcome

-is always the same in the salon.

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-There's honest, straight talking...

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-..and nothing is swept

-under the carpet.

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-Don't talk to me like that.

-Keep sweeping.

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-One, two, three, in we go.

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-One, two, three, in we go.

-

-There's never any fake news here!

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-People will talk!

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-They like these kinky grannies!

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-It has been a bad week

-for the Beckhams.

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-His emails, where he moaned about

-not being knighted, were leaked.

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-I look like I've got a Mohican

-like David Beckham.

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-Have you heard about him?

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-Yes.

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-What an idiot.

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-What an idiot.

-

-He's a disgrace.

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-Did you hear about David Beckham,

-old Goldenballs?

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-He's not Goldenballs any more!

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-He's Rottenballs now!

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-He got an OBE back in about 2006,

-I think.

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-Now he wants a knighthood.

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-He thinks he should get one

-for all his charity work.

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-He wanted to be a Sir.

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-I'm the one who's got an MBE!

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-You are Posh Becks!

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-You are Posh Becks!

-

-You deserve it more.

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-Poor thing.

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-Poor thing?!

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-What a cheek for asking!

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-What a cheek for asking!

-

-Why not?

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-If you don't ask, you don't get.

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-I've done one thing for charity.

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-I shaved off all my hair.

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-I shaved off all my hair.

-

-Of course!

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-It's about time I was knighted.

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-If a sportsman like Andy Murray

-can be made a Sir...

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-..then I think Beckham

-should be a Sir too.

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-He was annoyed because

-he hadn't been offered one...

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-..having done so much

-for the country.

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-What about all the volunteers

-who give up their time for free?

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-They volunteer for charities

-like the Samaritans and Marie Curie.

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-They help with sick people, but

-do they get the same recognition?

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-He looks good in his pants,

-doesn't he!

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-In those white pants.

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-In those white pants.

-

-Calvin Kleins.

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-He was a handsome bugger

-when he was young.

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-He's still gorgeous.

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-As he's got older,

-he's become more handsome.

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-Get up those stairs!

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-Get up those stairs, darling!

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-He's a real genuine lad.

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-I can't say the same about his wife.

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-I'm not too sure of her.

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-What a face she's got!

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-Like a bulldog

-licking piss off some nettles!

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-It's true!

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-Beckham's anger hasn't affected

-the party at the palace.

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-Her Majesty has celebrated

-65 years on the throne.

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-Did you see that about your mate,

-the Queen?

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-Liz.

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-Old Lizzy.

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-65 years.

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-65 years.

-

-I know.

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-It's about time for her now.

-She's become frail.

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-It's about time she retired.

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-It's about time she retired.

-

-Bless.

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-65 years?

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-Yes, I know. They're going to have

-to rewrite all the history books.

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-Victoria was the one, but now

-they'll have to change everything.

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-She should get a medal.

-In a way, she's had a tough life.

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-She's had some ups and downs

-with her family.

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-She should be admired.

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-What does she do in that palace?

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-Not much, probably.

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-How many people do we know

-have done a job for 65 years?

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-Nobody.

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-It's not something

-she would celebrate.

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-It's the anniversary

-of her father's death.

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-What tickles me about the Queen

-is her wave.

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-I know, it's so elegant.

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-That's how you do it!

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-Hello!

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-To have lived so long...

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-..I'm sure salad has been

-a part of the Queen's diet...

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-..but there's a shortage.

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-Iceberg lettuce?

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-There's no nutritional value in

-an iceberg lettuce. It's just water.

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-People are panicking

-over iceberg lettuce.

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-There have been problems in Spain

-and Portugal and crops have failed.

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-I don't eat lettuce

-at this time of year...

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-..and I can live without broccoli.

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-All that panic last week, telling

-people to go out and buy some.

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-There were plenty of lettuces about.

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-I went to Tesco on Sunday.

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-I wanted to get some vegetables...

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-..because I'm trying

-to eat more healthily.

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-There was nothing,

-absolutely nothing.

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-This bloke

-was selling 12 iceberg lettuces.

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-Guess how much he was charging.

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-Guess how much he was charging.

-

-Twenty quid.

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-Guess again and add another 30!

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-Shut up!

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-Serious, he wanted 50 for 12.

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-It's a chance for British farmers

-to grow their own food.

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-I must start growing lettuce.

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-I must start growing lettuce.

-

-Indeed.

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-I know now what to get

-for Christmas - a greenhouse.

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-I don't eat it.

-I'm not designed to eat veg.

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-Good Lord, no!

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-I drink kale juice in the mornings.

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-You won't believe

-the farting afterwards!

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-I eat lettuce in a burger, so that

-counts as one of my five a day!

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-A cheap slice of lettuce

-in a burger!

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-And a slice of tomato. Come on!

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-All I eat is Special K.

-I'll even have cereal for supper.

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-Pasta too. I live on pasta.

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-I only eat one meal a day.

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-The other two meals are juice.

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-I'll have a protein shake

-in the morning.

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-I'll have a lunch of meat and veg

-and another juice in the evening.

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-Do you have fruit as a snack?

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-Do you have fruit as a snack?

-

-Yes, usually an apple.

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-An apple?

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-An apple?

-

-Yes.

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-I had a takeaway from Bengal Cuisine

-on Saturday night.

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-I walked in and said

-that I didn't want any veg.

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-I told him I'd ordered a takeaway

-and asked if my food was ready.

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-"Rogan josh?", he asked.

-"No, I'm Elis Jones," I replied!

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-Rogan josh!

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-You've got a cauliflower ear anyway!

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-You could sell that for a fortune!

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-What with Brexit and everything...

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-..they should grow the produce here.

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-I do, Col.

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-I grow strawberries and rhubarb.

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-I've had a bag of manure

-from John of Bethel, Cae Glyn.

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-I cover it with manure.

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-What do you put on your rhubarb?

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-What do you put on your rhubarb?

-

-Custard!

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-Dear Lord! Try manure next time,

-it's marvellous.

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-One thing that leaves

-a bitter taste in the mouth...

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-..is the size of chocolate bars.

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-Have you heard?

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-They're making them 20% smaller

-but they'll cost the same.

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-A smaller bar?

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-Yes, they'll be 20% smaller because

-people eat too much chocolate.

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-It's true of everything.

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-Christmas boxes of Celebrations

-and Quality Street...

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-..have been getting smaller

-for years.

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-How will that help?

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-Instead of buying one,

-you're going to buy two...

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-..and eat more sugar than before.

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-Have you seen a Toblerone recently?

-It's lost the 'E' on the end!

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-Oh, dear me.

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-They say that they're getting

-smaller because of the sugar.

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-But the price isn't coming down.

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-The price is actually going up!

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-Mam found an old tin of Celebrations

-in the attic the other day.

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-We used it to keep pens

-and crayons.

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-It was this big!

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-Have you tried the chocolate covered

-Turkish delight?

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-No, but have you tried

-the orange dipped in chocolate?

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-Oh, my stunning God!

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-Oh, my stunning God!

-

-One of your five a day as well.

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-Oh, yes, plenty of energy

-in those to keep you going.

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-I'll have to try them.

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-Mami goes mental over this.

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-Freddos used to be a decent size

-and only cost five pence.

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-Over the years, they've increased

-to 25p and they're tiny.

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-I had a bar of Snickers recently

-and it went down in one go.

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-Just like everything else

-in your mouth. Gone!

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-It depends!

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-Do you remember Wagon Wheels?

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-Do you remember Wagon Wheels?

-

-Yes, big Wagon Wheels.

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-As big as your face.

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-Now, they're like a 50p.

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-Now, they're like a 50p.

-

-Mini!

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-Fun size!

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-I'm fun size.

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-Steph, my mouth is as dry as a bone.

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-Where has she been skiving?

-You'll be replaced by a robot!

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-That's the danger.

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-There's been talk this week...

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-..that robots

-have taken over people's jobs.

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-Have you heard about the old people

-who can't go out?

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-They'd sent in robots

-to sit with them and chat.

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-Well, they might be old

-but they're not thick.

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-We've got a robot in Llandeilo

-at Nigel Williams, the chemist.

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-There's a robot that dispenses

-all the medicines and tablets.

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-You're pulling my leg!

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-It's the first in our area.

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-Robots don't need lunch breaks.

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-Robots don't call in sick

-and don't need holidays.

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-They don't need any attention

-or heating or even lighting.

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-It's a bit scary really.

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-In the future, they might not

-need nurses, just a robot.

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-They'll make the bed, take a look

-at you and make a diagnosis.

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-It's really scary.

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-"My name is...",

-then it would stick.

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-It would stutter - "My, my, my.

-Warning!" Then it would explode.

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-That's how a robot would be.

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-They're like blinkin' robots!

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-"Do you want tea or coffee?"

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-What about you, Joyce.

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-Would you prefer a robot

-to cut your hair every week?

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-I couldn't talk to a robot.

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-As Cara said, you can switch a robot

-off but you can't switch me off!

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-They'll be more polite than us.

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-They'd be perfectionists.

-We'd get proper haircuts!

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-Something decent!

-You'd pay for something you want!

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-I've got enough things

-that need batteries!

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-Imagine sticking batteries

-in this lot!

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-Steph is slow bringing me a drink

-as it is.

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-Maybe that's what she needs,

-a battery up her arse!

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-They won't put that on S4C!

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-Well, who knows, Maggi?

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-More from the salon after the break.

-Stay tuned!

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-Check that she hasn't died!

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-Joyce, are you alive in there?

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-Joyce, are you alive in there?

-

-Yes, I am!

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-.

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-Subtitles

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-Subtitles

-

-Subtitles

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-Welcome back.

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-In Caernarfon, the cost of heating

-the home has been a hot topic...

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-..in Kirsty's salon.

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-Brrr. Where are your heaters?

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-I can only afford one. Have you seen

-how much prices have gone up?

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-A cheap little heater

-won't cost much. Cheapskate!

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-How will old people

-get through the winter? Poor souls.

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-What do you think, Joyce?

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-It's hard when you're on a pension.

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-Some people

-have to turn down the heat.

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-Some people have to choose between

-buying food or heating their home.

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-It's not right, is it?

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-It's not right, is it?

-

-No.

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-We get 200.

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-That won't go far.

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-That won't cover half the bill

-over the winter.

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-You don't need heating. Use

-two quilts and a hot water bottle.

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-Walk around the house

-wearing two quilts?

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-It did the trick for me

-when I was little.

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-On the news, they said

-the price of crude oil was falling.

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-I'm quite a positive person.

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-If you worry about everything...

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-If you worry about everything...

-

-..it will get you down.

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-They say the price of oil has risen,

-but what I don't understand is...

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-..when the price goes up, it goes

-up at the pumps straight away...

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-..but when it falls...

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-..it's months

-before the price we pay comes down.

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-That's what's so unfair.

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-I filled my petrol tank

-before I came here.

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-It was about 57. I almost cried.

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-It breaks your heart.

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-I could get through every game

-in the Six Nations with that.

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-There are ten miles

-between the two farms.

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-It depends so much

-on the price of diesel.

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-It's been nice that diesel

-has been a reasonable price.

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-Until now.

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-I don't know what will happen now.

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-I'm better off in Caernarfon.

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-I get a bus to the Maes

-at the end of the road...

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-..a bus to Pwllheli to see my mother

-and it's all free.

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-If I used a bus

-I'd have to drive to the bus stop.

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-The bus doesn't go past our house.

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-Nothing passes your house

-apart from the odd sheep.

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-I don't go on the train.

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-If you book a seat on the train...

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-..you get on in Bangor and someone

-from Gwalchmai is in your seat.

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-Nothing against Gwalchmai, Col.

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-You have a cup of tea and it's cold.

-The sandwiches are three days old.

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-Buses and trains

-don't please everyone.

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-Perhaps it's time

-to book a cruise.

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-Travel in style,

-like the lads from Llandeilo.

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-How was the cruise?

-The Caribbean and all that.

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-We went to Mexico and to Haiti.

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-We enjoyed it. It was fabulous.

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-We really enjoyed it.

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-The ship was full of people like us.

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-You should have seen the bodies.

-Thank God for sunglasses, Alan.

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-Craig was obviously happy.

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-Here's a scene from on-board ship.

-Hold on tight.

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-Did you hear about

-that blinkin' girl?

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-She jumped from I don't know

-how high into the swimming pool...

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-500ft.

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-500ft.

-

-..on a blinkin' cruise ship.

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-That's the cruise we were on.

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-That's the cruise we were on.

-

-Get away.

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-The boat was moving

-and there she was at the top.

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-The ship was 16 decks high.

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-She was at the top.

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-She jumped right off the top.

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-She was spinning and did

-a synchronized dive into the water.

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-All the crowd went...

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-All the crowd went...

-

-Blinkin' heck.

0:15:100:15:12

-What's the bravest thing

-you've ever done?

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-Zip wire. It was fantastic.

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-95mph on a zip, going down.

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-It would be like having a facelift.

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-Like this.

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-I went to the Isle of Man with

-my husband. He had a motorbike.

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-I rode pillion.

-That was quite daring for me.

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-I fell into a hedge.

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-No!

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-No!

-

-Yes.

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-What did I do when I went up...

0:15:400:15:42

-What did I do when I went up...

-

-Paragliding.

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-I've also done skydiving.

0:15:440:15:46

-Hello, who has arrived

-at the C&J salon?

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-Oh, look. I like bald things.

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-That one's mine, Maggi.

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-Oh, look. You did well there.

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-What's the bravest thing

-you've done, Maggi?

0:16:030:16:06

-Have an affair with your husband.

0:16:060:16:09

-The thing is...

0:16:100:16:11

-..ssh, don't say too much...

0:16:120:16:14

-..the only difference between

-a straight man and a bisexual man...

0:16:140:16:20

-..is four pints of beer.

0:16:210:16:23

-Nigel Owens' bravery

-was in the news this week...

0:16:250:16:28

-..when he confessed his angst as

-he came to terms with his sexuality.

0:16:290:16:34

-I didn't know about that.

0:16:350:16:37

-He tried to kill himself

-when he was in his twenties.

0:16:370:16:40

-He went to the doctor and said,

-"I know I'm gay.

0:16:400:16:44

-"I want to be chemically castrated."

0:16:440:16:47

-What?!

0:16:470:16:48

-There's no way I'd ask for that.

0:16:480:16:50

-How awful would it be

-to hate your sexuality so much...

0:16:500:16:54

-..you'd think of doing that?

0:16:540:16:56

-In this day and age,

-nobody's bothered if you're gay.

0:16:560:17:00

-No.

0:17:000:17:01

-We live in the same village.

0:17:020:17:03

-He's a neighbour.

0:17:050:17:07

-He's a Welsh hero in the village.

0:17:070:17:10

-I think he gets more respect

-from the players...

0:17:100:17:15

-..because he's come out

-and been so honest.

0:17:150:17:18

-The man is completely transparent.

0:17:190:17:21

-That transfers to the pitch.

0:17:220:17:24

-He gets so much respect from the

-players, that's why he's so good.

0:17:250:17:29

-The players respect him

-and he doesn't take any nonsense.

0:17:290:17:34

-It's hard for people to come out

-as gay, lesbian, whatever...

0:17:340:17:39

-..if you live in the countryside

-with all its pressures.

0:17:390:17:42

-It depends where you work,

-peer pressure.

0:17:420:17:45

-It was sad. He was 35 years old

-when he came out.

0:17:460:17:49

-Was he?

0:17:500:17:50

-Was he?

-

-Yes, 35.

0:17:500:17:52

-No, sorry, right...

0:17:520:17:54

-..he's not the only gay

-in the village.

0:17:540:17:56

-It comes over as if you have to be

-sorry for him because he's gay.

0:17:570:18:01

-It's the 21st century. There are

-hundreds of gay people out there.

0:18:010:18:05

-I know that.

0:18:050:18:07

-Look at Gareth Thomas.

0:18:070:18:09

-I don't feel sorry for him.

-I'm gay. Get over it.

0:18:100:18:14

-I don't think

-you should tell people everything.

0:18:140:18:17

-Who wants to know?

0:18:180:18:20

-As the English say...

0:18:200:18:21

-..discretion

-is the better part of valour.

0:18:210:18:25

-I think it's good they come out.

0:18:250:18:27

-Lots of people say

-that he talks too much about it.

0:18:280:18:31

-They do,

-but I think people need a voice.

0:18:320:18:34

-I've also been through

-a lot of things in my life.

0:18:360:18:41

-His story

-can inspire other people...

0:18:430:18:47

-..who are in a similar situation.

0:18:480:18:50

-Were you accepted straight away?

0:18:510:18:53

-My family and friends

-were very supportive.

0:18:540:18:56

-Tomorrow,

-Wales face the old enemy in Cardiff.

0:18:570:19:00

-The men in red started well

-with victory against Italy.

0:19:000:19:05

-Do you want a drink? Prosecco?

0:19:050:19:08

-I'll have Prosecco as it's Tuesday

-and we're celebrating.

0:19:100:19:14

-We're celebrating because Wales won

-in the rugby on Sunday.

0:19:140:19:19

-Oooh.

0:19:190:19:20

-In the first half,

-I thought, "Here we go, typical."

0:19:210:19:24

-But the second half

-was quite exciting.

0:19:250:19:28

-Ideal.

0:19:280:19:29

-Up to here?

0:19:290:19:30

-Up to here?

-

-Please.

0:19:300:19:31

-We played OK last week.

0:19:310:19:34

-We played OK last week.

-

-No, we played badly!

0:19:340:19:35

-We usually lose the first game,

-but we won.

0:19:360:19:41

-Please. We were playing Italy.

0:19:420:19:44

-Have you seen George North's legs?

0:19:440:19:47

-Wow, he's a strong lad.

0:19:480:19:50

-He's got legs like billiard balls.

0:19:510:19:53

-They are!

0:19:530:19:55

-If he hit you, it would be

-like being hit by a train.

0:19:550:19:59

-I don't think

-there'd be anything left of me...

0:19:590:20:03

-..just my head bobbling about.

0:20:030:20:05

-We have to win this weekend.

0:20:060:20:08

-I can't wait for this weekend.

0:20:080:20:10

-It's like everyone in Wales

-is looking forward to this game.

0:20:110:20:15

-It means everything

-in the Six Nations.

0:20:150:20:18

-It means everything in the world

-really.

0:20:180:20:22

-Is it a five o'clock kick-off?

0:20:230:20:24

-Is it a five o'clock kick-off?

-

-That's right.

0:20:240:20:25

-That's hopeless. It's milking time.

0:20:250:20:28

-I'm afraid of Saturday's match.

0:20:280:20:30

-I'll have to go out...

0:20:310:20:32

-Definitely, against the English.

0:20:320:20:34

-..to get rid of my nerves.

0:20:350:20:36

-This is the game for Wales.

-This is the game.

0:20:370:20:40

-We have to beat England.

0:20:400:20:43

-It's an age-old rivalry.

0:20:430:20:46

-England are going to win this week.

0:20:460:20:49

-Don't say that.

0:20:490:20:51

-Sacre bleu, don't say that!

0:20:510:20:53

-A free hairdo if they don't.

0:20:530:20:55

-Right! I'll go

-for the most expensive thing.

0:20:550:20:58

-I don't think we'll win a game.

0:20:580:21:01

-We won last week.

0:21:010:21:03

-I don't think we'll win any more.

0:21:030:21:05

-Pete says we won't win another game.

0:21:060:21:09

-I remember Peter saying we wouldn't

-win a game in the World Cup...

0:21:090:21:13

-..and we beat England.

0:21:130:21:15

-We have the same ref as we had

-against England in the World Cup.

0:21:150:21:20

-So there's hope?

0:21:200:21:21

-So there's hope?

-

-There's more than hope.

0:21:210:21:23

-You were born in Kent

-but you still want Wales to win.

0:21:230:21:29

-How does that work?

0:21:290:21:31

-I hate it when England win anything

-because they're so smug.

0:21:310:21:36

-I was in Twickenham once and there

-were English lads in the car park...

0:21:370:21:41

-..with pheasant, salmon

-and champagne in the boot.

0:21:410:21:44

-The Welsh lads

-went up in a Transit van...

0:21:440:21:47

-..with pies

-from the local butcher's.

0:21:470:21:50

-You wanted to beat them.

0:21:510:21:52

-We always want to beat

-the English...

0:21:530:21:55

-..since we were kids

-playing football or cricket...

0:21:550:22:00

-..on Cae Top

-or Cae'r Odyn in Rhostryfan.

0:22:000:22:06

-We were always

-playing against the English.

0:22:070:22:10

-What do you think of the English

-in general?

0:22:110:22:14

-Do you think

-they're still hated by the Welsh?

0:22:140:22:17

-Do they still think

-they're better than the Welsh?

0:22:170:22:20

-I hate you.

0:22:210:22:22

-And if tomorrow's game

-isn't enough to excite you...

0:22:250:22:29

-..how about the new adventures

-of Mr Grey...

0:22:290:22:32

-..when Fifty Shades returns

-to the big screen on Tuesday?

0:22:330:22:36

-Have you heard what's coming

-to the pictures this week?

0:22:380:22:41

-A new Fifty Shades of Grey.

0:22:410:22:43

-A new Fifty Shades of Grey.

-

-Oh, that's tame.

0:22:430:22:44

-They could do with Maggi's help

-for the third film.

0:22:440:22:48

-I could be a sensual advisor.

0:22:490:22:52

-Mr Grey would be intimidated by you.

0:22:520:22:55

-He would be completely intimidated.

0:22:550:22:58

-I'd like to see him

-try and tie me up.

0:22:580:23:01

-If they made a Welsh Fifty Shades,

-who would you have as Mr Grey?

0:23:020:23:08

-Do you know who I like?

-I don't know his name.

0:23:090:23:12

-The bald one from Byw Celwydd.

0:23:120:23:14

-Him.

0:23:150:23:16

-He looks a bit like Gareth Thomas.

0:23:160:23:19

-I know him.

0:23:200:23:21

-Who are you?

0:23:210:23:23

-Whoever you are,

-find me on Christian Mingle.

0:23:230:23:26

-Watch out,

-Karen's going to have a stroke.

0:23:290:23:32

-Quick, get her to Ysbyty Gwynedd.

0:23:330:23:36

-S4C Subtitles by Testun Cyf.

0:23:550:23:57

-.

0:23:570:23:58

Gyda Chymru'n wynebu Lloegr dros y penwythnos, pa mor llwyddiannus bydd y Cochion eleni yn ol Maggi Noggi a Mary? Maggi Noggi and Mary discuss Wales' 6 Nations chances and players' legs!