Graeme Obree - Former cycling World Champion HARDtalk

That's a summary of the headlines. The world's top athletes are

different from the rest of us. They have a drive, a singular wheel that

makes them winners, but it can also be their undoing. Like yesterday,

Graeme Obree was a world champion cyclist in the 1990s, famous for

his self-built bikes and union eke racing style. But while making his

name on the track, he was battling severe depression which led to

suicide bids and family break-up. What happens when elite sport takes

Graeme Obree, welcome to HARDtalk. Great to be here. When I talk at

top-level cycling, I see athletes that seem to be the ultimate

individualists, is that what drew you to cycling? Yes, it did. I

think sport is one of those things, with those activities where people

take it up as a leisure activity and they're interested in doing it

but when you get to the elite level, that's when people are more

obsessive by nature and character. It does seem to me, you watch it on

the television and it seems it's all about living with pain, pain

that goes deep in to your soul because you are riding for hour

upon hour in some of these events like the Tour de France. I know you

didn't always do events as long as that, but you have to cope well

inside yourself? I look at it as effort which is more positive than

pain. But there is pain and commitment and lifestyle and also

sacrifices as a lifestyle. So you've got to be driven. Your

entire life is encompassed by this. What you don't do, the parties you

don't go to, everything about it is obsessive. While there are cycling

teams - in the end it is down to you as an individual. And I wonder

whether loneliness is something that even as a youth, you were

prepared to live with or may even sought out? Well, part of my

ambition in cycling was always to be part of something. I was always

striving to be part of something. To be part of a bigger team. Part

of the British team. Part of a team. But ultimately, you train mostly

alone and winning is a very lonely experience. Winning is actually,

you're separating yourself from the non-winners. So that makes it very

lonely. That psychologically is counterintuitive to being part of

something. It is an issue, people don't want to separate themselves

from the others. I know, and you've written about this at length, that

as a child, you had a very difficult upbringing. You were a

very unhappy boy. You turned to the bike as an escape from the

bullying? It didn't really happen till I was 15. Up to that point, I

was very insular. And with primary school, I went through a phase of

kind oaf floating along. And enduring the day to day existence.

And in my spare time I would hang about forests as a non-person.

how did you get to a point where you realised cycling wasn't just a

past time for you, that it was becoming your life? You were so

good at it and so different from others cycling alongside you that

you could think about making this your life? At the start, cycling

was a great escape. You were in charge of your ship. The bike is

your ship to travel through the storm. You could go four times

faster than what you could jog. You could go where you wanted to go and

the freedom along the countriesside. It was a freedom issue. --

countryside. It was a freedom issue. I became better at it and was

encouraged and much, much better at it. The whole thing grew legs in

terms of being more obsessive with it. Obsessive is another word I

will pick away at because even from early on in your career, you're

winning local titles, men's Scottish titles and were clearly

becoming one of the best in your peer group on a British level but

never did things the way others did. Your obsession with working on your

own bikes and building your own bikes, others weren't doing that.

They were trying anyway they could to acquire a professional-level

bike but you were building your own. Why were you doing that? One of my

big distractions with youth was I liked craft and making things out

of bits of wood and metal. So making things was part of my life.

When I see bad design, I hate it. A can opener or whatever it is, I

hate bad design. I have to improve it. What I saw was bad design in

bikes in terms of how it could be but it wasn't. So I set about

changing that. The first thing I did at a very early stage was cut

half the spokes out of wheels because you don't need the other

half and I filled the holes up. The team would say that you can't ride

with that many spokes. But I saw that things, I always had an

ability to see how things could be, but they're not. You were a

maverick. Even the way in which people sit on the bicycle. As you

became more and more successful, you clearly thought very hard about

getting the best aerodynamic position on the bike and you

decided to change the position of the saddle and redesigning handle

bars, that you could do it differently? I don't think that, I

think a lot of people could see how they could change things but they

were inhibited by the threat of how other people perceive it. The

unwritten rules of that you can't do that. But I was oblivious to

these. I couldn't see why I couldn't do it. If you take the

crouch position. People who aren't cyclists and don't know that by the

early 1990s you were turning things upside down in speed cycling? Give

us an illustration of how you changed the position on the bike?

went through a thought process of how could I go quicker? I was in to

physics and science at that time. You can increase the engine size.

The engine being your body? Yes. And another way to do that is cut

down the resistance. So I thought, "Hold on, if you can do this with

your arms, I was in that position." Like a spear? Yes. But on a bike,

the first time I rode it, somebody said, "Look at that poor bloke." I

was oblivious to the look that other people perhaps wouldn't have

done that automatically. I was oblivious to that. I wanted to do

it. It was purely functionality. we go through the '90s and we have

to talk about winning the individual pursuit world title and

the one hour against the clock cycling where you broke the world

record. By the time in 1994, 1995, you were running in to problems

with the authorities buzz they didn't like your innovation but the

ultimate innovation was with the handle bars and becoming stretched

out in a way cycling hadants seen before? Yes, it was. In the '90s, I

realise in retrospect now I was for years and years used that crouch

position. And I was winning races at Scottish and British level. I

didn't think of world level. At one point I thought, "You could be

doing berts than this." And then the innovations. But the riding

position you came about, I won the records like that, which has always

been the ultimate single time trial event in the world. 52 kilometres

in one hour. And it's thequivalent of the mile record of running.

slipped in a phrase. You talked about the washing machine and the

way in which you used parts, parts from your own washing machine in

your small house in Ayrshire to equip this absolute elite bicycle.

What was the wasing machine part doing on your bike? -- washing

machine part doing on your bike? There was a film which portrayed

this as a washing machine from the kitchen. But this is from the front

door. It had to be well manufactured. Rather than machine

it, I could take it out of the machine. I set about hacking it

apart. Butia don't know till you look. And the washing machine story

captivates people. People go, "I remember that from 20 years ago."

The washing machine sparks a memory. It seems to be a mix of extreme

amateurishness, rooting around with a saw and a metal file, making

something for yourself and turning that in to a triumphant world

championship racing machine. It just seems, we know so much about

professional sport these days, it just seems impossible? It does seem

impossible. The truth is, only recent times looking back, because

it's almost 20 years ago, and you think, "Oh, my goodness, it's

amazing," that I did that. It sounds incredible but it's true.

Here is maybe the strangest twist of all. As you're doing this and

enjoying this extraordinary success, really self-made success in a way

in which you as a sportsmen can be achieved -- sportsman can be

achieved, you were deeply depressed at the time? It wasn't showing

itself at the time. That was to come later. Because the film

portrayed that. But I wasn't a happy person. But part of that and

the story of me being successful was being driven by a - I suffered

at that time from extreme lack of self-worth. A psychologist

diagnosed me as chronic lack of self-worth. How can that be, how

can you win the world championship in individual pursuit, crack the

one-hour world record, be hailed not just in Scotland but around the

world as frankly a bit of a cycling miracle, and say that you're

suffering massive problem of self- esteem and efl respect? You might

be -- self-respect? You might be surprised I've had this discussion

with many people over the years. A lot of top people have told me the

same thing that a lack of self- worth is a huge driving force in

top athletes because there's that lack of self-worth that drives them

to make up for self-worth by overawheefplt. Achievement that

other people don't -- overachievement. Achievement that

other people don't feel they can do it. That's where a lot of the

hunger and drive comes from? Yes. Without wishing to delve too deep

tine great personal misery, you tried to kill yourself several

times? Yes. And one thing that's hard for me to get my mind around,

you went to the 1996 Olympic Games in Atlanta and you were one of the

British favourites because you got the track record of winning world

titles, and when you got to the Olympics, you weren't feeling well

or right, and at one time it seems you actually considered killing

yourself in the Olympic village? Yes. Because I felt like a complete

failure. Mental illness at that level, depression, it tests your

sense of reality. I thought I had no influence on the Games and I was

a complete failure and washed up. And I'm a terrible person. A deep

lack of self-worth. People are better off without me on the planet.

But the truth was, that position we talked about earlier was banned, I

reinvented myself with the superman position, with the arms straight

out in front. And the same thinking process of getting the edge. And

that was emulated by the Italians, the Germans and a few other people.

And that was used to win six or seven gold medals. So I had a huge

influence on those Games and I was ablifrbious to see it. How close

did -- oblivious to see it. How close did you come on making good

on your wish to die at that point? I think at that point, it wasn't

going to become a reality. But it was certainly tempting. The extreme

pressure of having to step up. And I know that I will not win this. I

might not qualify. And how angry at the same time - you're talking

about the lack of self-worth but how angry were you that the cycling

authorities consistently year on year appeared to be determined to

thwart your efforts to inovate and It is their job. They did it

effectively. They brought out the new rules. It was a wee bit

underhand dead. You could not compete? I am thankful because it's

not me out of my comfort zone. have not discussed drugs. In 2012,

it for 20 years or more cycling at the top level was rife with

performance-enhancing drugs. You say that she never contemplated

taking such drugs. To what extent you believe that that thwarted your

ambitions? Going back to the Olympics, I knew that she took

drugs with impunity. If you had impunity you would not be caught. I

was not tempted. It was coming to the point at the end of my career,

the point where I believed up to that point, that people taking

drugs was stupid. I knew that I should train harder. I will suffer

more, I would train harder and better. I will ride better. I will

be more efficient. I think that if you take drugs, then I would

breezed my last breath to get to the finish line before you. --

breathed my last breath. This is a physical advantage to work harder.

People are still doing this with impunity. I realise that I am at a

severe physical disadvantage. A lot of mental energy was needed to

overcome that. Do think it was that important? I thought back to an

interview by David Miller, he was busted for drugs in the early to

thousands, at the top of his sport at the Tour de France. He was

banned for a while. Because of the rules of the British Olympic

Association, he is now barred from being in the British Olympic team

for 2012. Is that right? Should baby forever bent for doping?

think that David Mellor should be allowed to ride. I had a

conversation with a scientific adviser for the agency, I saw a

presentation at Cambridge University last year. We both

agreed that beyond the way of effectively changing the drug

culture, it is possible to take drugs right now. Especially with

the testing procedures and get away with it. We want to change that,

you need a change in attitudes of the athletes. David Miller has

consistently tried to change the minds of his fellow riders and the

sport in general that drug-taking is bad and we cannot accept it.

This means that he should be allowed to ride. If David Miller

had thrown acid into a lady's face, he would have been rehabilitated

and carried on his life as if it never happened. Why should it be

different that he is an athlete? Yes, you said the other day that

you hate it when people who achieved anything on a bicycle must

have taken drugs. Will it be a tainted sport for ever? That is a

hard one to answer. Sport was extremely damaged by the

revelations of drug-taking. The anger for me was, I actually had

responsible people backing me, who said that Graeme Obree must have

been the same acts the rest. -- same as the rest. It was bad in the

90s the drug-taking. There is a new attitude among bicycle riders.

Let's stop talking about drugs and now talk about some more personal

issues.Now more open about the fact that you wrote with an alcohol

problem. You drowned your anguish and depression in alcohol? It was

difficult to do what she did, pushing your body to the limit, you

spoke of riding to the point when your lungs were actually pleading.

You could taste blood in your mouth as he finished that race. You were

pushing your body to the limit, and she were virtually an alcoholic.

During be season, I did not drink wheresoever. Then during the three

months I made up for everyone else's year. As soon as the last

race was over in October, it is the start of the holiday season and

time to get the beers out. Was it something to do with sexuality? You

have been open with the fact that the end of your career that you are

homosexuals. At the time when you're writing, you never were.

What a new that it was deep down in my heart. Might consume of alcohol

was an escapism -- my consumption of alcohol. If people tell you that

you're a great person and then I say thank you that is very nice of

you. I wanted to say excuse me you were all wrong and you are a piece

of rubbish, not a lovely human being. You're not explicit in that

light, you were not truthful to yourself? It was a conflict between

my self worth. You think you would have been a happier more fulfilled

person if you have never taken up full-time cycling? I have a love-

hate relationship with it. I will always go back to it. Ultimately,

my bike is my best friend. I would say to anybody to Douai sport.

Honestly, now I can to rides and let it go. I love cycling and it

has saved my life. It amazes me after everything you have been true,

the anguish, the trauma and the pain, you still have an ambition to

do something extraordinary in cycling. At the moment, you are

preoccupied with making a human power land-speed record. Why?

Because it is there. It is not a choice. I still have injuries, a

bad neck. I have had the idea of how to do this, the mechanics, the

buyer of mechanical engineering and design of the bike. -- by a

mechanical. It is not even a choice issue, I have to do this and it'll

be fun. What speed do you believe that your engine, your body, can

take a bike. What is the top speed that you can get to? Well, the

record is 83mph, I think I would give that a good shake. I'm not

saying that I would break it. I would be the first man to get to