0:00:02 > 0:00:08This programme contains very strong language
0:00:08 > 0:00:13- Can you hear me?- Yes.
0:00:15 > 0:00:17- Daddy, daddy.- Two seconds, baby.
0:00:20 > 0:00:24'I was taken into the care system as a vulnerable eight-year-old.
0:00:24 > 0:00:27'I was released back onto the streets,
0:00:27 > 0:00:30'a multi-tasking criminal, at 16 years old,
0:00:30 > 0:00:35'heading straight for the revolving doors of Her Majesty's Prison.'
0:00:38 > 0:00:41'Film-making has managed to take me away from all that
0:00:41 > 0:00:45'and overcome barriers that I never ever thought would be possible.'
0:00:46 > 0:00:49'I love using my environment to my advantage.
0:00:49 > 0:00:54'When you're somebody like me, your past works for you, or your past works against you.'
0:00:54 > 0:00:57They look for the realness in people.
0:00:57 > 0:01:01The way I see myself right now or the way I see myself...
0:01:01 > 0:01:03Happening, boys?
0:01:04 > 0:01:05'Mon then.
0:01:07 > 0:01:10Bring your fuckin' blade, didn't fuckin' put up...
0:01:10 > 0:01:13It's not a fuckin' blade, ya fuckin' bam!
0:01:13 > 0:01:16ALL SHOUT OVER ONE ANOTHER
0:01:19 > 0:01:20Do him, Mikey, he's a wee fanny.
0:01:20 > 0:01:23- Andrew!- What the fuck you done, ya wee fanny?!
0:01:23 > 0:01:28- Ya bunch of arseholes! - SHE WEEPS
0:01:28 > 0:01:30Ya wee bastards.
0:01:30 > 0:01:33SHE SCREAMS, SIRENS BLARE
0:01:38 > 0:01:41RAPS: Trod up to some raw livin' Headin' for a Scottish prison
0:01:41 > 0:01:43Fuck your flawed system I've risen above the law, listen
0:01:43 > 0:01:46I've been to hell and back Smokin' crack, sellin' smack
0:01:46 > 0:01:49Tryin' to get my story straight So I can tell it back
0:01:49 > 0:01:51Became a man at eight Every night my ma was late
0:01:51 > 0:01:53Makin' sure my sister had a warm plate
0:01:53 > 0:01:56But what thanks did I get? Treated like I'm a regret
0:01:56 > 0:01:58Exiled from my family and friends
0:01:58 > 0:02:00And so I go nuts
0:02:00 > 0:02:01The youngest Scot they'd ever locked up
0:02:01 > 0:02:04So fucked, nobody understands the way I've grown up
0:02:04 > 0:02:07I've been through physical and sexual abuse...
0:02:25 > 0:02:28'I wasn't born into this world, I was thrown into it
0:02:28 > 0:02:30'with an alcoholic for a dad
0:02:30 > 0:02:32'and a mum who just didn't know how to love.
0:02:32 > 0:02:35'I was up against the odds right from the start.'
0:02:36 > 0:02:39'This is my Muirhouse, it's just not here anymore.
0:02:39 > 0:02:41'The buildings are all knocked down.'
0:02:44 > 0:02:46'I can still see the place where my mum held my hand out
0:02:46 > 0:02:48'and slowly burnt it with a cigarette
0:02:48 > 0:02:51'just to teach me a lesson for playing with matches.'
0:02:52 > 0:02:55'I can still see the place where they took me into care,
0:02:55 > 0:02:58'36 different care homes in eight years.
0:02:58 > 0:03:01'I bet you they didn't even know why I never fitted in.'
0:03:02 > 0:03:04'I want to tell you a story,
0:03:04 > 0:03:06'but in order for me to tell you this story
0:03:06 > 0:03:10'I'm going to have to delve into the demons of my past,
0:03:10 > 0:03:11'to find some answers,
0:03:11 > 0:03:14'and some of them aren't going to be pretty.'
0:03:15 > 0:03:18CAR ALARM BLARES
0:03:24 > 0:03:25'My area's completely destroyed
0:03:25 > 0:03:31'through AIDS, through drugs, through nobody just giving a fuck.
0:03:31 > 0:03:35'They've let a full generation of people die down here
0:03:35 > 0:03:36'and just be forgotten.
0:03:38 > 0:03:39'Just forgotten.'
0:03:51 > 0:03:54It's hard to believe, next to New York,
0:03:54 > 0:03:56Edinburgh was the biggest city with AIDS,
0:03:56 > 0:03:59and now it's like it never even happened.
0:03:59 > 0:04:02I've lost so many pals, friends, family, my peers.
0:04:04 > 0:04:08It's hard walking along here, looking at the photographs...
0:04:08 > 0:04:10my distant memories.
0:04:10 > 0:04:14This just looks like a bit of barren waste ground to all youse.
0:04:14 > 0:04:17But for me, this was my childhood.
0:04:27 > 0:04:31'When I have a feeling like this, my first thought is heroin.
0:04:31 > 0:04:33'There's no other thought.
0:04:35 > 0:04:38'The first thing I think about is smack, that tin foil...
0:04:42 > 0:04:43'..the taste...'
0:04:49 > 0:04:50'..the money.'
0:04:51 > 0:04:53I fuckin' miss it. I miss it a lot.
0:04:55 > 0:04:58I miss the smack days a lot, which sounds fucking weird.
0:05:00 > 0:05:03But I'll tell you what, when I was on smack...
0:05:03 > 0:05:08I never, ever felt any of this pain and my hands never shook.
0:05:08 > 0:05:11My hands did never shake on smack.
0:05:12 > 0:05:15And I didn't ever have a conscience.
0:05:15 > 0:05:17Never, ever had a guilty conscience on smack.
0:05:20 > 0:05:22Now I feel like I'm fuckin' guilty for everything.
0:05:24 > 0:05:28Now I feel like I apologise at every given opportunity.
0:05:29 > 0:05:32I almost feel like cunts like me don't deserve to be here.
0:05:34 > 0:05:37- REPORTER:- Edinburgh has not learned to live with its title
0:05:37 > 0:05:39of AIDS capital of Europe.
0:05:39 > 0:05:41The widespread use of drugs in some areas has led
0:05:41 > 0:05:44to an explosive spread of the infection.
0:05:44 > 0:05:47The sharing of needles to inject heroin
0:05:47 > 0:05:48and the passing on of infected blood
0:05:48 > 0:05:52is the main way in which the virus can be spread.
0:05:52 > 0:05:54The issuing of clean needles may be controversial,
0:05:54 > 0:05:57but the report's author says the AIDS problem
0:05:57 > 0:05:59is a more serious one than drug abuse.
0:06:02 > 0:06:04'To get a better understanding of my community
0:06:04 > 0:06:07'and what addiction and drugs and poverty have done,
0:06:07 > 0:06:11'there's only one man I know who has really got a unique insight into it.
0:06:11 > 0:06:13'Steph, he's my own drug worker,
0:06:13 > 0:06:15'who helped me come off the methadone.'
0:06:16 > 0:06:20When I was first here in '84, that was the explosion,
0:06:20 > 0:06:23that was the kind of HIV explosion, then.
0:06:23 > 0:06:25Roy Robertson did his paper,
0:06:25 > 0:06:27which he published in '85, I think it was,
0:06:27 > 0:06:30so Roy from Muirhouse Medical Group, and he looked at blood samples
0:06:30 > 0:06:34that he had refrigerated for his drug-using patients.
0:06:34 > 0:06:38I think it was 167 patients, um,
0:06:38 > 0:06:4251% of those patients were found to be HIV positive,
0:06:42 > 0:06:45and this added to sort of the burgeoning global realisation
0:06:45 > 0:06:49that there was a connection between injecting drug use and HIV.
0:06:49 > 0:06:53Um, similar studies were done in Glasgow, England and Wales.
0:06:53 > 0:06:57In Glasgow, 5%, 4.5% of the patients in Glasgow
0:06:57 > 0:06:59were found to be HIV positive.
0:06:59 > 0:07:02In England and Wales it fluctuated between 5% and 10%.
0:07:02 > 0:07:08So Muirhouse, 51%, the rest of the country, somewhere between 5 and 10%
0:07:08 > 0:07:12and I think that's why Edinburgh was tagged the AIDS capital of Europe
0:07:12 > 0:07:15in the mid '80s and Muirhouse was probably the hub of that capital.
0:07:34 > 0:07:36Go and put your jumper on, Garry Jay.
0:07:36 > 0:07:37- Where is it?- It's on the door.
0:07:37 > 0:07:41You've not changed your socks so get them changed.
0:07:44 > 0:07:46BABY GIGGLES
0:07:48 > 0:07:51Go in the bedroom and get dressed.
0:07:52 > 0:07:54Please!
0:07:54 > 0:07:56LITTLE GIRL SHOUTS
0:07:56 > 0:07:59Brian, what did you find? Which one?
0:08:03 > 0:08:05Is it a lottery?
0:08:09 > 0:08:14'Looking at my kids, I dread to think what they would do without me.
0:08:14 > 0:08:15'After all the years of taking drugs,
0:08:15 > 0:08:19'it's about time I went and got myself checked
0:08:19 > 0:08:20'for AIDS and Hep C.'
0:08:29 > 0:08:34So, that's me just been for an AIDS test and a Hep B booster.
0:08:35 > 0:08:39That's where the needle went in for the...HIV.
0:08:43 > 0:08:46It's funny, an ex-junkie - I'm not even an ex-junkie...
0:08:48 > 0:08:52..the doctor doesn't think that, that I'm an addict
0:08:52 > 0:08:55because I'm on five dihydrocodeine and if I'd wanted to there,
0:08:55 > 0:08:59I could've went and got methadone because I'm in such a low mood.
0:08:59 > 0:09:02He says if I want to go and get methadone
0:09:02 > 0:09:04I can go back on my methadone programme any time I want,
0:09:04 > 0:09:06which I just think's fucking appalling.
0:09:06 > 0:09:09I'm sitting in that fucking surgery
0:09:09 > 0:09:12and as I'm sitting in that surgery I'm looking around me
0:09:12 > 0:09:16thinking how many people have been here before me.
0:09:16 > 0:09:19The story I'm trying to tell... how many of them?
0:09:19 > 0:09:22I'm running out of numbers now. I've ran out of numbers
0:09:22 > 0:09:26for the amount of pals that I know that have died.
0:09:30 > 0:09:32'Tam's had the virus for 21 years.
0:09:32 > 0:09:34'When he first got told he had the virus,
0:09:34 > 0:09:38'he was told he was handed a death sentence.
0:09:38 > 0:09:42'Everything I know about living with somebody with AIDS has come from Tam.
0:09:42 > 0:09:43'But Tam's beat the virus.
0:09:43 > 0:09:47'I think the combinational therapy of drugs have helped that.'
0:09:47 > 0:09:49Aye, we've...five years.
0:09:49 > 0:09:54Jay's 21 now. Thomas must be 33?
0:09:54 > 0:09:56- Aye.- Sarah, 28?
0:09:59 > 0:10:0128 and pregnant. I'm going to be a granda.
0:10:01 > 0:10:05- Oh! Granda Tam!- Just think, before the combination come out,
0:10:05 > 0:10:06I just used to live day to day.
0:10:06 > 0:10:09I didn't even used to bother if I'd die in the morning.
0:10:09 > 0:10:10I used to fall asleep and say,
0:10:10 > 0:10:13"If I fall asleep and die, I'm not bothered."
0:10:13 > 0:10:15Did you get to a point when you were like,
0:10:15 > 0:10:16"Fuck it," with the virus? You must have.
0:10:16 > 0:10:19Aye, that was before the combination come out.
0:10:23 > 0:10:29It was in the '80s, and there was people catching the virus
0:10:29 > 0:10:31like in Leith and stuff like that.
0:10:31 > 0:10:33But, um...
0:10:34 > 0:10:38..if it, it was a thing like if you...
0:10:38 > 0:10:41if you had the virus, you're a fucking alien, know what I mean?
0:10:41 > 0:10:43Nobody would come near you, sort of thing,
0:10:43 > 0:10:45but I'm just the sort of guy that would say,
0:10:45 > 0:10:49"Aye, I've got the virus, how?" Ken what I mean?
0:10:49 > 0:10:52- And if anybody said anything, it's always behind your back. - Aye, never to your face.
0:10:52 > 0:10:55Ken what I mean? So it doesn't matter to me!
0:10:55 > 0:10:58Remember when that guy says... remember when he says to you,
0:10:58 > 0:11:01"Can you give me some of your blood so I can get on DLA?"
0:11:01 > 0:11:04Aye, unbelievable!
0:11:04 > 0:11:08The guy wanted to inject your blood so he could get the virus
0:11:08 > 0:11:11- so he could get more brew money. - Aye, so he could get the high rate.
0:11:11 > 0:11:13I was like, you've got to be fuckin' kidding!
0:11:13 > 0:11:15I remember when you told me that, I was like...
0:11:15 > 0:11:18I says to the guy, I says, "Are you fucking nuts?!"
0:11:18 > 0:11:20Fucking unbelievable, man, that's mad.
0:11:20 > 0:11:23The best one was when you went down to my house
0:11:23 > 0:11:26and I had all they vallies and all that,
0:11:26 > 0:11:29and I put them all down... all down the toilet,
0:11:29 > 0:11:30and flushed them away!
0:11:30 > 0:11:33- You were fucking boaking! - I was like, "How can you do that?!
0:11:33 > 0:11:36"You could've just gave them to me. It's a waste!"
0:11:36 > 0:11:39I just seen them going down the sink and I'm like, "You can't do that!"
0:11:39 > 0:11:41It's like throwing an ounce of kit into the water.
0:11:41 > 0:11:43It's like, "Well, I'd much rather burn it away, but..."
0:11:43 > 0:11:44- Done you a favour.- You did.
0:11:44 > 0:11:47I'll tell you something now that you might not know, right?
0:11:47 > 0:11:49Ken I says I flushed the smack down the toilet?
0:11:49 > 0:11:52I never. I took it up to the house with Brian.
0:11:52 > 0:11:54- How much do you owe me now? - BOTH LAUGH
0:11:54 > 0:11:56Ha-ha! You just stuck yourself in, you wido!
0:11:57 > 0:11:59You're still not learning!
0:12:08 > 0:12:10'To continue with my future,
0:12:10 > 0:12:12'I've got to face up to the demons from my past.
0:12:12 > 0:12:16'One of these demons is something I did to Tam's mum.
0:12:16 > 0:12:18'I want to apologise to her.'
0:12:18 > 0:12:22So how are we going to get in the stair, press the buzzer?
0:12:22 > 0:12:27Not bad, passable. What you been doing, lying gouching, Garry?
0:12:27 > 0:12:30Not for a long time, not for a long time, hen.
0:12:31 > 0:12:33What my ma's been through...
0:12:35 > 0:12:37- Aye.- Aye.
0:12:37 > 0:12:40Through hell and back, with a family like we've got.
0:12:42 > 0:12:47We had...Derek using, that passed away.
0:12:47 > 0:12:48Trisha, his wife, passed away.
0:12:50 > 0:12:53- Brian did now and again. - No, not often, no.
0:12:53 > 0:12:56- Not very often.- Unless he met Garry. - Unless he met me.
0:12:56 > 0:12:58Wullie did, but not very often.
0:12:58 > 0:13:01He got Hep C, but he managed to get rid of it.
0:13:01 > 0:13:06- Aye.- Because of his insurance and the car and all that stuff.
0:13:06 > 0:13:07And I was the worst.
0:13:09 > 0:13:11You ken the Christmases and everything that you gave me,
0:13:11 > 0:13:13when I first came out of care and...
0:13:13 > 0:13:15- Remember the laughs we used to have at Christmas?- Aye.
0:13:15 > 0:13:18I'd never had that before, cos being in a children's home,
0:13:18 > 0:13:20you never seen any of that.
0:13:20 > 0:13:23Anybody could come in my house at Christmas, New Year, anytime they wanted.
0:13:23 > 0:13:26I need to apologise for something, I...
0:13:26 > 0:13:28Like, I...
0:13:28 > 0:13:30Let me get this right.
0:13:30 > 0:13:35I want to apologise for something that I done in the '90s,
0:13:35 > 0:13:39which was bring heroin back into your house
0:13:39 > 0:13:41and I should've learned, after Tam and that,
0:13:41 > 0:13:45that heroin just fuckin' destroys families
0:13:45 > 0:13:47and I never.
0:13:47 > 0:13:50And I want to apologise to you for that,
0:13:50 > 0:13:52just that in itself. There's a million and one other things
0:13:52 > 0:13:54I've to apologise for, but...
0:13:54 > 0:13:57- You want me to start? - SHE LAUGHS
0:13:57 > 0:13:58Where will I start, Garry?
0:13:58 > 0:14:00But that's just the one,
0:14:00 > 0:14:02because if youse never done what you done,
0:14:02 > 0:14:07like, when I was 16 and my nana had obviously died, I wouldn't be here.
0:14:07 > 0:14:08But your wife was the same, Garry.
0:14:08 > 0:14:11She never gave you much - if she was on it and you were on it, what...
0:14:11 > 0:14:14- No chance.- You've no chance in hell of you coming off.
0:14:14 > 0:14:17- No.- Because you're trying to come off and she's taking it
0:14:17 > 0:14:20and you're, "Ach, just have, go on, just a wee bit, Garry,"
0:14:20 > 0:14:23and that's what I says to you then, but you wouldn't listen to me then.
0:14:23 > 0:14:25I don't think I could listen at all.
0:14:25 > 0:14:27You says to me, "No, no, I'm coming,"
0:14:27 > 0:14:29but I knew, as soon as I looked at your face, I knew.
0:14:29 > 0:14:31That's what... Looking back on it now,
0:14:31 > 0:14:33thinking about how me and Angie would walk in and go...
0:14:33 > 0:14:38Like that, but now I feel like how, how could you do that, Garry?
0:14:38 > 0:14:39Ken like, but at the time...
0:14:39 > 0:14:41But at the time that's what was done.
0:14:41 > 0:14:45It didn't seem like I was doing anything wrong, ken like...
0:14:45 > 0:14:46You used to say, "She's coming off."
0:14:46 > 0:14:49I said, "She's not coming off, have a good look at her."
0:14:49 > 0:14:51But you couldn't look at her,
0:14:51 > 0:14:53cos you were seeing the same as what you were doing.
0:15:01 > 0:15:03'I wanted to pay my respects
0:15:03 > 0:15:07'and I lay flowers at the graves of Tam's brother, Tam's sister-in-law.
0:15:07 > 0:15:09'I don't want to say any names,
0:15:09 > 0:15:12'but I know a lot of my own people are buried here.'
0:15:15 > 0:15:17'And it's horrible looking around
0:15:17 > 0:15:21'seeing name after name, after name, after name, after name that I know.'
0:15:23 > 0:15:27'There wasn't even enough flowers to go around,
0:15:27 > 0:15:29'and I feel so fuckin' sad for that.'
0:15:38 > 0:15:40PHONE RINGS
0:15:47 > 0:15:50'Hello, there, doctors' surgery, can I help you?'
0:15:50 > 0:15:52Hi, I wonder if you could help me, please, yeah.
0:15:52 > 0:15:56I had a, um, an appointment with Dr... Well, David.
0:15:56 > 0:15:59- 'Uh-uh.'- And the... And the purpose of the...
0:15:59 > 0:16:02the appointment was for a HIV test.
0:16:02 > 0:16:05'OK, I'll get a message to your doctor first thing in the morning
0:16:05 > 0:16:08- 'and he'll give you a ring.' - OK, that's brilliant. Thank you.
0:16:08 > 0:16:10- 'No problem. Thanks.'- Cheers, bye.
0:16:27 > 0:16:29Sometimes when you stay in a council estate
0:16:29 > 0:16:30it's like staying on Big Brother.
0:16:30 > 0:16:33There's that many cameras, you don't know who's looking.
0:16:33 > 0:16:36Is it any surprise we all cover our faces?
0:16:36 > 0:16:40I'm shocked that other people find it shocking that we live like this.
0:16:45 > 0:16:48From the age of six or seven my life's been fully recorded.
0:16:48 > 0:16:52It's funny, that. No wonder I'm a product of the system.
0:16:56 > 0:16:59'Hello, this is Jennifer Bryson at Birthlink.
0:16:59 > 0:17:01'I'm looking for Garry Fraser.
0:17:01 > 0:17:06'Garry, it's about the files that you want access to.
0:17:06 > 0:17:10'I've been allocated to share that information
0:17:10 > 0:17:13'and they're ready for you to get whenever you want.
0:17:13 > 0:17:15'OK, thank you, bye.'
0:17:17 > 0:17:20Fuck it, whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger, eh?
0:17:25 > 0:17:29I've read through, and I was getting a real sense
0:17:29 > 0:17:31of you being a real character
0:17:31 > 0:17:33and some of the things you got up to,
0:17:33 > 0:17:36I was like, "Oh, want to meet this guy."
0:17:36 > 0:17:39- What was...what was the ones that... - Well, you were forever running away,
0:17:39 > 0:17:44so obviously the system wasn't doing it for you, um...
0:17:44 > 0:17:50I've got Howdenhall, Rothesay, Midfields, St Joseph's.
0:17:50 > 0:17:53I've got foster placement -
0:17:53 > 0:17:58Kenmuir, St Mary's, Woodland School, Newton Stewart.
0:17:58 > 0:18:02But remember, I reckon there's about 1,500 pages,
0:18:02 > 0:18:06cos I've got 287 here,
0:18:06 > 0:18:10but the one I noticed there was that you'd stolen a boat.
0:18:10 > 0:18:14"Garry has been arrested and charged with theft of a boat
0:18:14 > 0:18:16"and will probably be held
0:18:16 > 0:18:18"in police custody for the rest of the weekend."
0:18:18 > 0:18:22Yeah, so there was...there's loads of, you know,
0:18:22 > 0:18:27loads of...these are emergency social work reports,
0:18:27 > 0:18:29so these are, you know, um...
0:18:30 > 0:18:33"Contacted by A&E Royal Infirmary,
0:18:33 > 0:18:37"Garry made his own way, reporting he'd taken too many jellies."
0:18:39 > 0:18:41I never drunk alcohol or that,
0:18:41 > 0:18:43so as you can see I wasn't one of they type of teenagers
0:18:43 > 0:18:45- that went away and drunk. - Right enough.
0:18:45 > 0:18:49D'you know, there's never, when I went through this, there was never any mention of alcohol.
0:18:49 > 0:18:51I was too scared that I was going to end up like my dad,
0:18:51 > 0:18:54- so I stayed away from the drink. - Right, yeah.
0:18:54 > 0:18:58And I think...see, cos of being street wide,
0:18:58 > 0:19:00I was always scared that, see, if I was drunk,
0:19:00 > 0:19:03that's when I was going to end up getting, like...
0:19:03 > 0:19:06- Something would happen to you. - That's when I thought...
0:19:06 > 0:19:08Somebody would take advantage. Sexually, aye.
0:19:08 > 0:19:15The hardest thing about the care system is that the members of staff
0:19:15 > 0:19:18that are the best are the ones that are more likely to lose their jobs.
0:19:18 > 0:19:19Yeah.
0:19:19 > 0:19:22Most people have got photographs from their childhood,
0:19:22 > 0:19:24I says, I've got care files.
0:19:42 > 0:19:44It seems to be a recurring theme in Garry's life, eh,
0:19:44 > 0:19:47that everybody just takes me in.
0:19:47 > 0:19:50Families take me in left, right and centre.
0:19:51 > 0:19:55'Always in the search for a family or people to take me in and love me.'
0:20:00 > 0:20:03'Can't believe that I'm driving past the same houses
0:20:03 > 0:20:06'that I used to stay in when I was a bairn on the run.'
0:20:13 > 0:20:15'Walking up to my first ever children's home
0:20:15 > 0:20:19'is probably one of the hardest decisions I've ever made.
0:20:20 > 0:20:22'As I'm walking up the pathway, it just feels so different
0:20:22 > 0:20:26'coming up here as a man. I had some good times in there.
0:20:26 > 0:20:29'There was laughs, we got to go bowling, you got clothing grants,
0:20:29 > 0:20:32'but by that time, the damage had already been done.
0:20:35 > 0:20:38My first placement was foster parents.
0:20:38 > 0:20:40After they took me out of Muirhouse,
0:20:40 > 0:20:43they put me in a young person's unit in Balerno.
0:20:43 > 0:20:47Within the first week, I was sexually abused and this guy,
0:20:47 > 0:20:50a 14-year-old guy,
0:20:50 > 0:20:55walked into my room and told me that if I didn't put his penis in my mouth
0:20:55 > 0:21:01and suck it like a lollypop, he was going to batter me.
0:21:03 > 0:21:06And I couldn't tell anybody down Muirhouse about that.
0:21:06 > 0:21:09I couldn't tell anybody about that apart from a member of staff.
0:21:09 > 0:21:11How can I tell anybody about that?
0:21:11 > 0:21:14Everybody will just think I'm a poof or they'll just let it happen.
0:21:14 > 0:21:16"Ha, ha, ha, Garry. Ha, ha, ha, Garry."
0:21:18 > 0:21:20And within about three months of that happening,
0:21:20 > 0:21:24I was in self-destruct mode until I left care,
0:21:24 > 0:21:27and not once did anybody ask me if I was ever abused
0:21:27 > 0:21:29when I was in children's homes.
0:21:30 > 0:21:33Is it any wonder I had a deep distrust of adults
0:21:33 > 0:21:35from ten years old onwards?
0:21:40 > 0:21:45'This is me going back to visit a woman who tried to foster me
0:21:45 > 0:21:47'when I was in Sycamore.
0:21:47 > 0:21:50'It's funny, because the first time she met me,
0:21:50 > 0:21:52basically what had happened is,
0:21:52 > 0:21:54'her daughter Tracey's a year younger than me,
0:21:54 > 0:21:56'and she snuck me into her home,
0:21:56 > 0:22:01'and when she snuck me into her home she hid me in the linen cupboard,
0:22:01 > 0:22:05'so at 6 o'clock in the morning, her mum's getting ready for work and puts her hand into the linen cupboard
0:22:05 > 0:22:10'and what does she find? A wee 11-year-old laddie lying in the fucking linen cupboard.'
0:22:22 > 0:22:24Hello?
0:22:25 > 0:22:28- Hiya, is your name Roseann?- Aye.
0:22:28 > 0:22:30- Oh, you don't remember me, eh not? - No.
0:22:30 > 0:22:32Remember I was in a children's home - Garry?
0:22:32 > 0:22:35- I was the wee laddie that you found in the...- ..Cupboard?
0:22:35 > 0:22:39- Uh-huh.- You're not the window cleaner? Are you taking the piss?
0:22:39 > 0:22:41No, I'm not the window cleaner.
0:22:41 > 0:22:44I only came through to see you, just to thank you.
0:22:44 > 0:22:46Oh, right, are you Garry Fraser?
0:22:46 > 0:22:49Anyway, I'm glad you're all right, son.
0:22:52 > 0:22:55I think out of everybody, this was the place I wanted to come,
0:22:55 > 0:22:56- when I was younger.- Aye.
0:22:56 > 0:22:59So I think, like, what I wanted to do the most
0:22:59 > 0:23:01when I came through here was, like, thank you
0:23:01 > 0:23:03for showing me affection and showing me, like,
0:23:03 > 0:23:07what a family was like, because I came out of the homes like a nutter.
0:23:07 > 0:23:11I thought, like, the way I came out the homes was like...
0:23:11 > 0:23:14Well, when you came here you were calm and you loved it,
0:23:14 > 0:23:17but then they dragged you away from here, then you just went...
0:23:17 > 0:23:20That's the problem, they took me away from somewhere that was all right.
0:23:20 > 0:23:22- That was right, they took you away. - They plonked me in again!
0:23:22 > 0:23:25Then you fought against them and done something wrong again.
0:23:25 > 0:23:28Aye, it was like they didn't listen. I think this place would've been perfect.
0:23:28 > 0:23:31I think your family, everything would've been perfect.
0:23:31 > 0:23:34There wasn't any reason for them to be the way they were,
0:23:34 > 0:23:36but I just don't think they listened that much.
0:23:36 > 0:23:39So why did you never come back after you reached a certain age?
0:23:39 > 0:23:42Once I started taking drugs, I started dealing them heavy.
0:23:42 > 0:23:45I started going down to London. Hooked up with the Turkish Mafia.
0:23:45 > 0:23:48- My God.- And then came back up here, started dealing loads of heroin,
0:23:48 > 0:23:52and then that's when I started hearing stories about Fife,
0:23:52 > 0:23:55that Sinky was on this and so and so was on this,
0:23:55 > 0:23:57and I'd never experienced any of that
0:23:57 > 0:23:59and I wanted to come through in a big flash BM
0:23:59 > 0:24:02and I thought, that's not me, like I didn't want to come back
0:24:02 > 0:24:04through to Kirkcaldy like, "Look at me, I'm the big man."
0:24:04 > 0:24:06As if, "Look at me now", aye, that's right.
0:24:06 > 0:24:08I wanted to come back. I didn't ever...
0:24:08 > 0:24:11- You didn't forget your roots, put it that way, eh?- No, nothing like that.
0:24:11 > 0:24:15- That's why I'm sort of back through here to...- Oh, Garry. Oh, God, son.
0:24:17 > 0:24:19God bless you, son, eh? What a shame.
0:24:19 > 0:24:23It's not a shame, because everything's turned out brilliant.
0:24:27 > 0:24:29'As I left Roseann, she gave me a letter,
0:24:29 > 0:24:33'a letter that she must've kept back after all these years.
0:24:34 > 0:24:36'This is what it read.'
0:24:38 > 0:24:41"Dear Roseann. Hi, how's things?
0:24:41 > 0:24:42"Are you still in hospital?
0:24:42 > 0:24:45"I had to cry myself to sleep last night.
0:24:45 > 0:24:48"I will probably have to do the same tonight.
0:24:48 > 0:24:51"That's how depressing it is and I'm being God's honestly truthful.
0:24:51 > 0:24:54"I've cried every night and day since I've got back.
0:24:54 > 0:24:57"I got told I'm not allowed to phone you or nothing.
0:24:57 > 0:25:00"I swear to God I'm going to go mad in this shit hole.
0:25:00 > 0:25:03"Sorry I never got you a get well soon card.
0:25:03 > 0:25:07"Well, if you're still in hospital you will be all right.
0:25:07 > 0:25:09"Well, got to go. Love from Garry.
0:25:09 > 0:25:14"PS I miss you very much and I love you and I will give you a tear".
0:25:27 > 0:25:29INDISTINCT CHATTER
0:25:36 > 0:25:39Connor, Thomas, Andy,
0:25:39 > 0:25:42yous have got your characters, do you know what your characters are?
0:25:42 > 0:25:46'I know these guys are at a critical age.
0:25:46 > 0:25:47'I was at that age once as well.
0:25:47 > 0:25:50'That's why I started Wideo Media.
0:25:50 > 0:25:52'I'm so proud of them.
0:25:52 > 0:25:55'Seeing them coming here every week doing what they do,
0:25:55 > 0:25:58'doing something creative instead of getting into trouble
0:25:58 > 0:26:01'on the street. That makes my life very, very special."
0:26:05 > 0:26:07Cut. That's brilliant.
0:26:07 > 0:26:09That's fucking amazing compared to last week.
0:26:09 > 0:26:12That's what I just want to end it on, a fucking high like that.
0:26:12 > 0:26:15Look at the difference from last week till now. Now yous are acting.
0:26:15 > 0:26:17Now yous are beginning to understand characters, changing them.
0:26:17 > 0:26:20I'm going to keep doing this and I'm always going to trip yous.
0:26:20 > 0:26:22I'm always going to try and bounce it off,
0:26:22 > 0:26:25cos I want to just see the difference between it all.
0:26:25 > 0:26:27See the whole point of our project that we're doing here
0:26:27 > 0:26:28is about knife culture, right?
0:26:28 > 0:26:32Can I ask you just one question each, right,
0:26:32 > 0:26:35is just your attitude on knife culture, that's all I want.
0:26:35 > 0:26:37Just what yous think about knife culture.
0:26:37 > 0:26:41The general thing about, especially in Muirhouse, Pilton, areas that,
0:26:41 > 0:26:43he could be walking down the street analysing
0:26:43 > 0:26:47his reasons for not carrying a knife and get plugged for nothing.
0:26:47 > 0:26:51Well, I used to carry when I was like from the age of like 12 to 14,
0:26:51 > 0:26:55and then that's when Garry came.
0:26:55 > 0:26:57I think that's what changed me.
0:26:57 > 0:27:00Garry showed me a path, of him doing film and I got very interested
0:27:00 > 0:27:04and actually I asked you if I could come to college.
0:27:04 > 0:27:07I don't agree with knife crime, I don't agree with knife culture.
0:27:07 > 0:27:09I don't, I don't believe in it,
0:27:09 > 0:27:12but obviously like I've been saying all night, I...
0:27:12 > 0:27:14I'm not trying to glorify it either by what I'm saying,
0:27:14 > 0:27:17it's just for me, it's one of these things that won't go away.
0:27:17 > 0:27:20Yous are the ones that are realising yous have got potential.
0:27:20 > 0:27:22Every one of yous - and I, on my bairns' life,
0:27:22 > 0:27:24anything crossed, I'm not patronising yous -
0:27:24 > 0:27:28I honestly believe every one of yous have got something special - I do -
0:27:28 > 0:27:30and you can see it in yous, that more and more's coming out.
0:27:41 > 0:27:43BABBLING
0:27:51 > 0:27:57I went to the doctors last week - aye, last week -
0:27:57 > 0:28:02and I was trying to tell them that I was struggling with the prescription that I'm on.
0:28:06 > 0:28:10I was saying to them that I was having a problem
0:28:10 > 0:28:13when it came to...
0:28:14 > 0:28:17..maybe using again because I'm making a film...
0:28:20 > 0:28:23..which has got a lot of emotional shit in it, blah, blah, blah, etc.
0:28:23 > 0:28:29And the doctor's response to it was that they can get me
0:28:29 > 0:28:33back to CDPS by Monday, which would've been last Monday.
0:28:33 > 0:28:37So my plan is that I'm going to come off of these -
0:28:37 > 0:28:38that's the plan -
0:28:38 > 0:28:42so by the time that yous watch this film I'll be drug free.
0:28:42 > 0:28:45By the time that I speak to the doctor I'll be drug free,
0:28:45 > 0:28:47so it means they've got fuck all on me.
0:28:47 > 0:28:50But this is the bottom end of drug addiction.
0:28:50 > 0:28:52This is the...
0:28:54 > 0:28:57This is the...
0:28:57 > 0:29:00grassroots of drug addiction.
0:29:00 > 0:29:03This is how they handle you.
0:29:03 > 0:29:04One for anxiety.
0:29:06 > 0:29:08Painkillers, when I'm not in pain,
0:29:08 > 0:29:12but they've got opiates in them, so it numbs emotional pain.
0:29:12 > 0:29:17The only bastard about taking drugs that numb emotional pain is when you come off,
0:29:17 > 0:29:20it's like that pain's ten-folded and you'll probably see
0:29:20 > 0:29:23that soon as well when I come off, when you see me lying on the bed.
0:29:31 > 0:29:35The Government in this country is spending 28 million a year on methadone
0:29:35 > 0:29:36to deal with heroin addicts.
0:29:36 > 0:29:41That's what I call a successful dealer, but I think it's a waste of money.
0:29:41 > 0:29:43It's a fucking disgrace.
0:29:43 > 0:29:45Methadone just keeps people like me trapped into the system.
0:29:55 > 0:29:59'I never thought I'd end up growing up and turning into a junkie.
0:29:59 > 0:30:02'I didn't think that would happen to me, not on my path.
0:30:02 > 0:30:05'At 16 years old, when I came out the secure units,
0:30:05 > 0:30:08'I was so fit that I was advised to join the Marines or the Army,
0:30:08 > 0:30:13'but then I tried my first drug, Dihydrocodeine, DFs,
0:30:13 > 0:30:16'and my career in the drug world took off from there.'
0:30:36 > 0:30:41Oh, this is fucking weird, like, coming back up here.
0:30:43 > 0:30:47This is where I got my first flat after being in the young offenders'.
0:30:50 > 0:30:52Done a lot of damage up here, like.
0:30:57 > 0:31:00This is probably where my life changed.
0:31:02 > 0:31:06I used to be under surveillance from two of these top flats
0:31:06 > 0:31:09from the West End bizzies when I used to deal my smack up here.
0:31:09 > 0:31:14I used to control all the heroin at one, two, three, four - four streets,
0:31:14 > 0:31:16five, five streets.
0:31:17 > 0:31:19I made so much money.
0:31:20 > 0:31:24Come on, we'll try and go on my old stair and see what the fuck happens.
0:31:27 > 0:31:29I'll show you what I done to the back doors -
0:31:29 > 0:31:33and this is why I never ever got any healthy sentences up here.
0:31:33 > 0:31:35See the lock on the door?
0:31:38 > 0:31:41All of these back greens have got certain locks on them
0:31:41 > 0:31:45that I took off, so when I ran out, when I got chased off the polis,
0:31:45 > 0:31:47or I knew that the polis were coming,
0:31:47 > 0:31:51or I knew somebody was coming to my door,
0:31:51 > 0:31:53or just say that I was wanting to go out stealing,
0:31:53 > 0:31:55cos a lot of the shit that we done
0:31:55 > 0:31:58was at night-time, so it's quite hard when you're...
0:31:58 > 0:32:01This is quite dark at night and all these back greens are really dark,
0:32:01 > 0:32:03so what I done was went out with a screwdriver
0:32:03 > 0:32:05and took the lock off of this door
0:32:05 > 0:32:08and about eight other doors in the back greens,
0:32:08 > 0:32:11so I could run out from here into this back square
0:32:11 > 0:32:13and then choose about three doors,
0:32:13 > 0:32:16go into one of them, be out another street,
0:32:16 > 0:32:19and the polis were always chasing their tail.
0:32:31 > 0:32:33Shit.
0:32:33 > 0:32:37Even when I had a habit and that I was still trying to do stuff
0:32:37 > 0:32:40like go to college or try and do something for myself,
0:32:40 > 0:32:46not be a waster, basically, and then on the Easter break from college
0:32:46 > 0:32:50I took a bag of smack, I was sick all about the place.
0:32:50 > 0:32:55I think we all thought by burning heroin, it was different.
0:32:57 > 0:33:00It was a different feeling by burning heroin what it was to
0:33:00 > 0:33:02injecting it, and you couldn't get a habit if you burnt it,
0:33:02 > 0:33:05and the cunts in Trainspotting, they were from the 80's,
0:33:05 > 0:33:07they were all dafties, we're different,
0:33:07 > 0:33:09and it's a lot cooler when you've got a bit of foil in your hand.
0:33:09 > 0:33:12Obviously it wasn't, but it seemed like that at the time.
0:33:12 > 0:33:15It just seemed like that was a fashionable thing to do
0:33:15 > 0:33:18and every cunt was doing it - and I mean like fucking pure random.
0:33:18 > 0:33:21I used to come out and every cunt was sitting out here, like literally
0:33:21 > 0:33:23open my window, "Right, who's wanting?"
0:33:23 > 0:33:26And you used to have like four here, four in there,
0:33:26 > 0:33:29cos I wasn't letting cunts up to the house.
0:33:29 > 0:33:30I became more violent.
0:33:30 > 0:33:34What I done, we just rattled this cunt's knee about, I don't know,
0:33:34 > 0:33:36about 20 times, 30 times, with a ballpoint hammer,
0:33:36 > 0:33:41and then the guy tried to stand up and when he stood up,
0:33:41 > 0:33:42his leg folded backwards,
0:33:42 > 0:33:47so it went like in on itself, and me and Ronnie were like, "Ew."
0:33:47 > 0:33:48So if we were like that,
0:33:48 > 0:33:52you can just imagine what the fucking guy's scream was like
0:33:52 > 0:33:54and that just made me feel even more fucking invincible,
0:33:54 > 0:33:57that I was just going to keep managing to do what I was doing
0:33:57 > 0:34:01and there wasn't going to be any consequences for my actions.
0:34:14 > 0:34:17The last time that I was here...
0:34:17 > 0:34:19The last time that I was here
0:34:19 > 0:34:21was probably what you would call rock bottom.
0:34:21 > 0:34:24I think most alkies or most junkies and that
0:34:24 > 0:34:27say you've got to hit rock bottom first,
0:34:27 > 0:34:30and I hit rock bottom with the crack.
0:34:30 > 0:34:34In hindsight, looking back on it, I pretty much say the reason
0:34:34 > 0:34:37that I never got caught is because the West End polis were
0:34:37 > 0:34:40probably building up a big massive case on me,
0:34:40 > 0:34:42so if I'd kept on the path that I was going,
0:34:42 > 0:34:45the bizzies would've got me, but because I fucked up with the crack
0:34:45 > 0:34:47I just started taking the crack and then before I knew it
0:34:47 > 0:34:50I was spending like a grand a day on crack.
0:34:50 > 0:34:55The person that I was when I was here just isn't inside me any more.
0:34:55 > 0:35:00I don't know if I believe in God or that, or not, but I know that
0:35:00 > 0:35:03if there is such a thing as God, and there is a heaven or a hell,
0:35:03 > 0:35:07for the shit that I've done on this stair, definitely I'm going to hell.
0:35:30 > 0:35:33MOBILE RINGS
0:35:33 > 0:35:37It's like you've rung a door bell and it's fucking stuck.
0:35:48 > 0:35:52I can just imagine like a wee immigrant
0:35:52 > 0:35:53or something like that there.
0:35:53 > 0:35:56- 'Hi, Garry.'- Hiya.
0:35:56 > 0:35:59'The results are here, but I can't really read them.
0:35:59 > 0:36:04'Do you want to phone back about...half past 11
0:36:04 > 0:36:07'and you can speak to one of the doctors and they'll go through it with you?'
0:36:07 > 0:36:10- Aye, that'd be brilliant. Thank you. - 'OK?'- Thank you very much.
0:36:10 > 0:36:12- 'OK.'- Cheers, bye.
0:36:14 > 0:36:17Daddy! Daddy.
0:36:17 > 0:36:19Daddy!
0:36:24 > 0:36:26Daddy!
0:36:29 > 0:36:33Do you want milk? Listen, you have to go sleepy now.
0:36:35 > 0:36:39Do you want some milk? Want some milk? Mummy'll put it there.
0:36:39 > 0:36:43No, you go sleepy now.
0:36:43 > 0:36:45I'll put it there.
0:36:45 > 0:36:49Say "night night". Night night, Destiny.
0:36:59 > 0:37:03Do you remember this? When Garry Jay was lying in his cot?
0:37:03 > 0:37:07When did you first know that you had fallen in love with me?
0:37:07 > 0:37:10I first heard about you in Dalry.
0:37:10 > 0:37:13You were the one that tortured people.
0:37:13 > 0:37:17You were the one that put somebody's head through a wall.
0:37:17 > 0:37:20I think the first time that I knew that we were in love was when
0:37:20 > 0:37:28I first took that pregnancy test and sadly, obviously, we miscarried.
0:37:30 > 0:37:33I just remember lying up in my dad's for that long,
0:37:33 > 0:37:35just cuddling into you.
0:37:35 > 0:37:39You made me feel so safe and just so... It was hard for the both
0:37:39 > 0:37:43of us, but obviously everybody felt sorry for me and I felt
0:37:43 > 0:37:47sorry for you because nobody seemed to think it affected you.
0:37:47 > 0:37:48Do you know what I mean?
0:37:48 > 0:37:53Mmm. What was it like to see me getting stabbed?
0:37:53 > 0:37:55I tell you what,
0:37:55 > 0:37:57that was one of the most scariest moments of my life
0:37:57 > 0:38:00and I did always say to you when I first met you
0:38:00 > 0:38:04that I'm going to see you getting stabbed with your own blade
0:38:04 > 0:38:07and it happened and I knew it was going to happen one day,
0:38:07 > 0:38:11and I remember going up the lift in Oxgangs
0:38:11 > 0:38:15and being absolutely petrified cos all I seen was blood everywhere.
0:38:23 > 0:38:25When I first met my wife, Angela,
0:38:25 > 0:38:28I didn't think I'd ever seen anything so beautiful in all my life.
0:38:28 > 0:38:32I proposed to her within the first week after taking her out on a date.
0:38:32 > 0:38:34Angela was definitely my first love.
0:38:34 > 0:38:38Without a doubt, the turning point for me was when Garry Jay,
0:38:38 > 0:38:42our first son, was born. I think that once I cut that cord I knew something,
0:38:42 > 0:38:44even back then, had to change.
0:38:47 > 0:38:51We now have three lovely kids and I love them all dearly.
0:38:51 > 0:38:53I know our lives would be much better off
0:38:53 > 0:38:56if I could come off all the drugs and beat my addiction.
0:38:56 > 0:38:58I wish there was a magic way out,
0:38:58 > 0:39:01but in real life it doesn't work like that.
0:39:01 > 0:39:04This isn't a fucking fairy tale.
0:39:10 > 0:39:13'I haven't taken any drugs.
0:39:13 > 0:39:17'I want to come off, but withdrawing is hard as fuck,
0:39:17 > 0:39:20'and it's hitting me really hard.
0:39:20 > 0:39:22'This is my second night rattling.
0:39:22 > 0:39:25'Two days without fuck all, and I feel pure shit.'
0:39:27 > 0:39:31'This is my second night rattling, two days without fuck all,
0:39:31 > 0:39:33'I feel fucking shit.'
0:39:33 > 0:39:34My nose is runny.
0:39:36 > 0:39:39Diarrhoea's just coming out me. I can't even film it.
0:39:39 > 0:39:42I'm not even going to get anybody to film it cos it's just fucking...
0:39:42 > 0:39:43It's too hard.
0:39:44 > 0:39:48I keep having panic attacks - like, left, right and centre I'm having panic attacks.
0:39:51 > 0:39:53Oh.
0:39:53 > 0:39:56I just think to myself, "Why the fuck have I chose to do this
0:39:56 > 0:39:58"in the middle of a film?"
0:39:58 > 0:40:00Especially my first fucking film.
0:40:00 > 0:40:02Why did I chose to try and do this in the middle of my...
0:40:02 > 0:40:05Why did I try and chose to do this in the middle of my first film?
0:40:06 > 0:40:09Every time before, like, I've rattled in the jail...
0:40:11 > 0:40:13..or rattled somewhere else.
0:40:13 > 0:40:15Like, "rattling" just means withdrawing.
0:40:15 > 0:40:18Every time I've done it, I've done it.
0:40:18 > 0:40:21I don't know - maybe I've done the fucking wrong thing,
0:40:21 > 0:40:24especially trying to do it like this. Like, I want my film to be good.
0:40:24 > 0:40:27I want my film to show people certain things.
0:40:27 > 0:40:29I want my story to show people certain things and...
0:40:31 > 0:40:34..you cannae do it if you're having fucking panic attacks
0:40:34 > 0:40:37and in the morning I'm supposed to be out working or doing something.
0:40:37 > 0:40:40I'm supposed to be doing something...to do with the film,
0:40:40 > 0:40:41to do with the story.
0:40:44 > 0:40:47I want to shoot this video diary. I really do want to shoot this video diary.
0:40:47 > 0:40:51I want to show people what it's like to come off opiates,
0:40:51 > 0:40:52just on camera.
0:40:55 > 0:40:58I don't think I'm going to manage to do it.
0:40:58 > 0:41:00I really don't think I'm going to manage to do it.
0:41:05 > 0:41:07HE GROANS
0:41:08 > 0:41:10LIGHTER CLICKS
0:41:21 > 0:41:22This is...
0:41:24 > 0:41:28Well, er... I hate doing this shit - like being on valium or whatever,
0:41:28 > 0:41:32but I think if you've noticed one thing by now...
0:41:34 > 0:41:37..I dinnae ken what I'm talking about. What the fuck am I doing?
0:41:37 > 0:41:40Just cut. I dinnae ken what I'm doing.
0:41:43 > 0:41:47'I feel ashamed for taking the smack.
0:41:47 > 0:41:51'I feel dirty for taking the smack, for relapsing.
0:41:51 > 0:41:55'Nobody will give me a harder time for relapsing than me.
0:41:55 > 0:41:56'I don't know.
0:41:56 > 0:41:59'Me being expressive in the way I am...'
0:42:01 > 0:42:03'..it takes my mind off of having a habit.
0:42:03 > 0:42:05'It takes my mind off of where I came from.
0:42:05 > 0:42:07'It takes my mind off of my past.
0:42:07 > 0:42:09'It takes my mind off of...
0:42:09 > 0:42:10'everything that's bad in my life
0:42:10 > 0:42:14'because when you're me, you want to just do everything.
0:42:14 > 0:42:17'You want to taste everything. I want to go everywhere. I want...
0:42:17 > 0:42:21'But you don't understand how you cannae. It's like, "Well, how can I not go to Spain?
0:42:21 > 0:42:24' "How can I not go to Berlin? How can I not do all that stuff?"
0:42:24 > 0:42:26'You've got to understand why you can't
0:42:26 > 0:42:29'and it's like ambition and achievement is in me,
0:42:29 > 0:42:32'but I just dinnae ken where it's gone - do you know what I mean?
0:42:32 > 0:42:34'When you're on the drugs,
0:42:34 > 0:42:36'that ambition and achievement is definitely suppressed,
0:42:36 > 0:42:39'so you don't feel half as bad about being a failure.'
0:42:51 > 0:42:53This is the road that we all used to fight and play at.
0:42:55 > 0:42:58That's where I got the scar on my head.
0:43:04 > 0:43:07I still don't know whether to believe half the stories that I've been told now.
0:43:17 > 0:43:21This was me, Garry, at four years old.
0:43:21 > 0:43:24My dad climbing up that drainpipe when he was drunk, trying to kidnap me.
0:43:31 > 0:43:34I don't know why my mum moved about so much.
0:43:34 > 0:43:37I don't know why I went from pillar to post.
0:43:38 > 0:43:41I was just about killed when my mum moved across this side.
0:43:41 > 0:43:44See, to outsiders this doesn't mean much,
0:43:44 > 0:43:47but this is Pilton and where I come from is Muirhouse.
0:43:49 > 0:43:51I used to have to get chased along these streets
0:43:51 > 0:43:54to get into my mum's house, where she stayed with her boyfriend.
0:43:57 > 0:43:59Just as soon as I get closer to that flat, though,
0:43:59 > 0:44:05the smells, the shouting, the feelings come back as if it just happened yesterday.
0:44:11 > 0:44:14I can still hear my wee sister greeting as the belt hits her.
0:44:14 > 0:44:17I wasn't really that bothered about the pain of the belt.
0:44:17 > 0:44:20Even at a young age, I just couldn't understand why my mum let her boyfriend hit me.
0:44:20 > 0:44:23I'm not just talking about hit -
0:44:23 > 0:44:26I'm talking about whipping with a rubber diving belt.
0:44:33 > 0:44:36Now everything's different. I never, ever thought I'd be back here like this.
0:44:38 > 0:44:41I've proved my mum wrong. I've proven them all wrong.
0:44:41 > 0:44:44I'm not going to spend my whole life in the jail.
0:44:49 > 0:44:52Mum doesn't want to take part in this film.
0:44:52 > 0:44:53That doesn't surprise me.
0:44:55 > 0:44:58I think Ella's always been too scared to face the truth,
0:44:58 > 0:45:01but I need to go back to my dad,
0:45:01 > 0:45:03just to ask him why.
0:45:03 > 0:45:05Why did all this fucking happen?
0:45:05 > 0:45:08How did everything in my whole life become so fucked up?
0:45:36 > 0:45:40'I could come through here and just go straight into conflict with my old man
0:45:40 > 0:45:45'and I could just say to him, "Why did you hit me like I was a fucking man when I was just a child?
0:45:45 > 0:45:48' "Why did you do it?" But that's pointless.
0:45:48 > 0:45:52'That's not intelligence. That's just telling youse what happened.
0:45:52 > 0:45:54'I actually want to show youse.
0:45:54 > 0:45:58'And to show youse what happened, I can't have that aggression and conflict there.
0:45:58 > 0:46:02'It needs to be... an observational point of view.
0:46:02 > 0:46:04'When you're the...'
0:46:05 > 0:46:08'..person on the other end of that belt...'
0:46:11 > 0:46:15'..it's very hard to have an observational point of view,'
0:46:15 > 0:46:18but let's see how good a film-maker I am
0:46:18 > 0:46:23by having an impartial, observational point of view.
0:46:26 > 0:46:28I don't know why I'm so scared.
0:46:28 > 0:46:30Nervous. Don't know why I'm so nervous.
0:46:39 > 0:46:41Hey, you ugly bastard.
0:47:07 > 0:47:09Right. Er...
0:47:09 > 0:47:12When you're looking back on your own life and stuff like that,
0:47:12 > 0:47:13how do you feel about it?
0:47:13 > 0:47:15I just wish I could turn the clock back.
0:47:15 > 0:47:17- Do you?- But whether you would do the same again
0:47:17 > 0:47:20if you turned the clock back, it would be a different...
0:47:20 > 0:47:23You dinnae ken if you'd do the same carry on or not.
0:47:23 > 0:47:26Was there always a lot of fighting between you and Mum?
0:47:26 > 0:47:28I can't remember. I can just remember a couple of arguments.
0:47:28 > 0:47:31I think it was just more arguing all the time.
0:47:31 > 0:47:32Just through money, as usual.
0:47:32 > 0:47:35- Money, money, money?- That's it.
0:47:36 > 0:47:39- See temper - do you think temper's been a problem for you?- Oh, aye.
0:47:39 > 0:47:43I've not got a bad temper now, not compared to what it was like years ago.
0:47:43 > 0:47:47- Do you your old age has sort of just mellowed you out a bit?- Aye. - Wiser?- Aye.
0:47:47 > 0:47:50I think I've inherited your temper. I've got it.
0:47:50 > 0:47:53- I just can't control it sometimes. - Aye, well, I'm the same, pal.
0:47:53 > 0:47:56I'm not bad now, not compared to what it used to be years ago.
0:47:56 > 0:48:00When I first started running away and stuff like that,
0:48:00 > 0:48:04how did that make you feel, like when I first started running away?
0:48:04 > 0:48:06Ach, I just didnae ken if I was coming or going.
0:48:06 > 0:48:08When you ran away, you just went to the phone box
0:48:08 > 0:48:12and you phoned the polis and the polis come and got you and brought you home.
0:48:12 > 0:48:16- Aye. Can you remember the time that my Uncle Shaun and everybody was in the house?- Aye.
0:48:16 > 0:48:18I think that was, like, the last time that I was here
0:48:18 > 0:48:21before they took me away to foster care or something like that.
0:48:21 > 0:48:23- Yeah.- Do you remember that time?
0:48:23 > 0:48:27- Er...- Aye, cos when the polis brought you back in,
0:48:27 > 0:48:31I was going to hit you and the polis said, "If you hit him we'll do you with assault."
0:48:31 > 0:48:34- Aye, well...- Just temper-wise.
0:48:34 > 0:48:39- You had a healthy reputation for a fighter and that in the pubs and that, as well.- Aye.
0:48:39 > 0:48:42I bet you can't remember half of your fights, no?
0:48:42 > 0:48:45Och, half the times it was through stupidness, but I wouldnae...
0:48:45 > 0:48:48I would bang them first before I... Before I'd ask questions.
0:48:48 > 0:48:51I'd hit them and then I would ask questions after it.
0:48:51 > 0:48:54Not now. I'd rather have a pint of beer and walk away.
0:48:54 > 0:48:57- Aye.- Fuckin' safer.
0:48:57 > 0:48:59How did Granddad discipline you?
0:48:59 > 0:49:01Just used to batter us.
0:49:01 > 0:49:04With his... Like his hands or was it like a skelped arse or belt?
0:49:04 > 0:49:08Sometimes I got a skelped arse, sometimes we got the belt.
0:49:08 > 0:49:10It depends how bad... How bad you've been.
0:49:10 > 0:49:13Like, I remember like you skelping my bum and stuff like that,
0:49:13 > 0:49:15- like, and with the belt.- Aye.
0:49:15 > 0:49:19See, do you think you just done exactly the way...
0:49:19 > 0:49:23Obviously less, cos it wasn't as sore as what obviously you got from Granddad, but do you think
0:49:23 > 0:49:29- it's a generation thing?- Aye, aye. - You learned from your dad and disciplined like that?- That's it.
0:49:41 > 0:49:42Shut that door.
0:49:50 > 0:49:52Er... So how does it feel?
0:49:54 > 0:49:57How did it feel when I first came back into your life now?
0:49:57 > 0:50:01It's good. It was good just to get back into a relationship again.
0:50:01 > 0:50:05Cos it was like, you think you were never going to get in contact again, eh?
0:50:05 > 0:50:09It made me feel a lot better an' all. It wasn't... Not telling any lies,
0:50:09 > 0:50:12I was quite happy when I got to ken you again.
0:50:12 > 0:50:14I'd not seen you for that fucking long.
0:50:14 > 0:50:17Once we got back together, it was fucking brilliant.
0:50:17 > 0:50:21- I didn't ever think we'd have a relationship again.- Well, I was the same frame of mind as well, eh,
0:50:21 > 0:50:24but we got back together and that's the main.
0:50:24 > 0:50:27- I think it took me to become a man to realise what a man was... - That's it.
0:50:27 > 0:50:31- ..and his frustrations and what... - You realise what hassle you caused an' all, eh?
0:50:35 > 0:50:38- Right, no bother.- Cheers. Thank you. - Right, no problem.
0:50:40 > 0:50:42Speak to you some time.
0:51:21 > 0:51:23'Without a doubt, education saved my life.
0:51:23 > 0:51:27'I've come back to the college where I first learned how to use a camera,
0:51:27 > 0:51:30'to speak to my ex-lecturer and see what it was like for him
0:51:30 > 0:51:33'actually having a student like me.'
0:51:33 > 0:51:36- How are you doing? - You all right?- How you keeping?
0:51:36 > 0:51:39The chance that you gave me definitely saved my life, or the...
0:51:39 > 0:51:41The opportunity that was presented.
0:51:41 > 0:51:45I remember going up to the old college...
0:51:45 > 0:51:48I think it was you that sort of did it, really,
0:51:48 > 0:51:50cos, I mean, my instinct was, you know,
0:51:50 > 0:51:53"This guy's like obviously on something and, you know,
0:51:53 > 0:51:57"there's no way," just looking at you, "that he's going to, like, be able to succeed in the media,"
0:51:57 > 0:51:59cos you know what media people are like.
0:51:59 > 0:52:02And so I'm, like, making an instant judgement there,
0:52:02 > 0:52:06but then you were so determined, and you kept coming round and pushing me and pushing me.
0:52:06 > 0:52:09I thought, "What the hell? Give it a shot. If he..."
0:52:09 > 0:52:11I said, "If you finish your NC, I'll let you on the course."
0:52:11 > 0:52:16But you were the first person to show me what I looked like on drugs.
0:52:16 > 0:52:20We done a mock interview and the mock interview we done, I was...
0:52:20 > 0:52:23I was on my normal prescription and we showed it back upstairs.
0:52:23 > 0:52:26You never showed it to anybody else.
0:52:26 > 0:52:28You just put it on and I remember how stoned I actually looked
0:52:28 > 0:52:32and I thought that I put myself across in such a presentable way.
0:52:32 > 0:52:33I came in with a suit and that on, I think.
0:52:33 > 0:52:36I came with my suit and that on and I gave the mock interview.
0:52:36 > 0:52:38When I looked at it back,
0:52:38 > 0:52:40that was the first ever time that I'd seen,
0:52:40 > 0:52:43"This is what people see with Garry, then."
0:52:43 > 0:52:46And for me, that was time to come off.
0:52:46 > 0:52:49- Aye.- That was one of those moments where it was like,
0:52:49 > 0:52:53"No, this is time to start really looking to getting clean and coming off."
0:52:53 > 0:52:56The noticeable changes were,
0:52:56 > 0:52:59obviously coming off the drugs...
0:52:59 > 0:53:04I mean, I remember you trying to come off the methadone once or twice and that was a struggle.
0:53:04 > 0:53:08So seeing that and you were consciously aware that that was a problem for you
0:53:08 > 0:53:11and you were, you know, working... Working through it.
0:53:11 > 0:53:14You also used to mention Garry Jay a lot.
0:53:14 > 0:53:17You know, you used to say Garry Jay was a turning point in your life,
0:53:17 > 0:53:20and so as a family guy, you know,
0:53:20 > 0:53:22I mean, I think that was driving you, as well.
0:53:22 > 0:53:23I mean, and you were driven.
0:53:23 > 0:53:27For the writing now, I really feel like there's a moral responsibility that I've got
0:53:27 > 0:53:31that the previous experience that I've got...
0:53:31 > 0:53:34is all dripped in blood.
0:53:34 > 0:53:37Yeah, that's one of the things that always...
0:53:37 > 0:53:41That sort of blew me away when you'd written the...
0:53:41 > 0:53:44I can't remember which draft it was. You did do the draft.
0:53:44 > 0:53:47You did several drafts of scripts of Tolerance.
0:53:47 > 0:53:51- It wasn't called that then. What was...- Green.
0:53:51 > 0:53:55Green, aye. And I said, "Yeah, it's all right, it's good,
0:53:55 > 0:53:59"but there's something wrong with the end. You know, the end's not really working.
0:53:59 > 0:54:03"I mean, what you need is an end that makes people go 'Wow, I've never seen that before.' "
0:54:03 > 0:54:07And I said, "So, away you go." And so you went away and you came back and I thought,
0:54:07 > 0:54:10"Bloody hell, that's amazing! Where did that come from?"
0:54:10 > 0:54:13That thing about the ambulance guy standing outside the door
0:54:13 > 0:54:16and being scared to come in or not being allowed to come in. You know, I thought...
0:54:16 > 0:54:21That never even occurred to me that that might happen and yet, it happens, obviously.
0:54:28 > 0:54:31People like me wear their heart on their sleeves.
0:54:32 > 0:54:33Outspoken.
0:54:36 > 0:54:37Not afraid to...
0:54:37 > 0:54:42speak about social issues that...
0:54:42 > 0:54:44other people shy away from.
0:54:44 > 0:54:48Sometimes in life you've just got to nail your colours to the mast
0:54:48 > 0:54:51and that's what I've done when it's come to the film-making.
0:54:51 > 0:54:55I've decided not to be a criminal, not to be a drug dealer...
0:54:55 > 0:54:57help bairns...
0:54:59 > 0:55:01..and nail my colours to the mast
0:55:01 > 0:55:04that this is what makes sense to me - being creative...
0:55:05 > 0:55:10..and experiencing different colours and how to use everything to your advantage.
0:55:14 > 0:55:18This is the fourth time I've tried to get my results
0:55:18 > 0:55:21so I'm just going to go into the doctors' and... Fuck it.
0:55:21 > 0:55:22We'll see, eh?
0:55:58 > 0:55:59Negative.
0:56:02 > 0:56:04The result was negative.
0:56:08 > 0:56:10It's just some chance to play, eh?
0:56:14 > 0:56:19This is the area that taught me everything that I needed to know to survive on the streets.
0:56:19 > 0:56:21This is where all my family were.
0:56:21 > 0:56:24All my life, I ran away in search of a family that wanted to love me,
0:56:24 > 0:56:27but now I've got one of my own.
0:56:27 > 0:56:30I'm a proud father with two daughters and a son.
0:56:38 > 0:56:40BANGING AND LAUGHTER
0:56:42 > 0:56:46The drinks for her, eh? Mummy try and find 'em the day.
0:56:46 > 0:56:47Hugs?
0:56:49 > 0:56:54- Ah, no, no, no, no! - SHE CHUCKLES
0:56:55 > 0:56:58GIRL CHATTERS
0:57:19 > 0:57:22It's funny coming down here.
0:57:25 > 0:57:27This is the last-ever place that I was innocent.
0:57:31 > 0:57:34This is the place where I jumped about with my first-ever...
0:57:36 > 0:57:40..crew or whatever... It's not even a crew, just fucking stupid bairns.
0:57:42 > 0:57:45And I think...
0:57:45 > 0:57:49there's two of us left alive out of the five of us that were down here that day, probably.
0:57:52 > 0:57:55Maybe this whole fucking world just doesn't make sense to me
0:57:55 > 0:57:58and that's just the way it's supposed to be.
0:58:04 > 0:58:07Being a writer/director, it's not a job.
0:58:07 > 0:58:11It's all I know and it's the only thing that keeps me out of trouble.
0:58:11 > 0:58:15And it makes my kids proud and it makes my family proud
0:58:15 > 0:58:18and I've beaten all the odds.
0:58:18 > 0:58:22And I can take some pride in the fact I am who I am
0:58:22 > 0:58:27and I'll continue my life and keep making films in my very own Garry Fraser way.
0:58:28 > 0:58:30- RAPS:- Product of some raw living
0:58:30 > 0:58:31Heading for a Scottish prison
0:58:31 > 0:58:34Fuck your flawed system I've risen above the law
0:58:34 > 0:58:35Listen, I've been to hell and back
0:58:35 > 0:58:37Smoking crack, selling smack
0:58:37 > 0:58:39Trying to get my story straight so I can tell it back
0:58:39 > 0:58:40So I'd go nuts
0:58:40 > 0:58:42The youngest Scot they'd ever locked up
0:58:42 > 0:58:44So fucked, naebody understands the way I've grown up
0:58:44 > 0:58:46I've been through physical and sexual abuse
0:58:46 > 0:58:49Living with prostitutes peddling themselves for a boost
0:58:49 > 0:58:51The drug and thug culture
0:58:51 > 0:58:53I'm stuck with bloodthirsty vultures
0:58:53 > 0:58:55And I wonder what I've done to get my lung punctured.