0:00:35 > 0:00:38Good morning, Gerry. There's an awful lot of people working for you.
0:00:38 > 0:00:42What do you mean? I have a team around me.
0:00:42 > 0:00:45Where's my team? I don't have a team. Only him in there.
0:00:45 > 0:00:50Have you ever had the notion they're trying to push you out?
0:00:50 > 0:00:54You're one step closer to...
0:00:54 > 0:00:57A lot of people envy my slot. ..the scrap heap?
0:00:57 > 0:01:02You're so mean. Right, go away now! Bye. Bye.
0:01:02 > 0:01:05There's a call on one. Hello. Hello, Gerry? Yes?
0:01:05 > 0:01:09Gerry, did you see the chap on yesterday about hypnotising the hen?
0:01:09 > 0:01:11Let me explain this to the listeners.
0:01:11 > 0:01:15We were talking yesterday about the occurrence of a man.
0:01:15 > 0:01:19He used to go around the schools and bring a hen into the classroom
0:01:19 > 0:01:23to display to the children what a strange and wonderful world this is.
0:01:23 > 0:01:27He'd get a piece of chalk and draw a long straight line on the floor.
0:01:27 > 0:01:28He'd get a piece of chalk and draw a long straight line on the floor. That's it.
0:01:28 > 0:01:33Then he'd put the hen on its side so its eye would look along the white line.
0:01:33 > 0:01:35That's it.
0:01:35 > 0:01:41And the hen would never move unless someone came into the line of vision or broke the line of the line.
0:01:41 > 0:01:43We went out and got a hen.
0:01:43 > 0:01:48You got a hen?! Oh, you had some outside grazing.
0:01:48 > 0:01:54Aye. I put a line on the floor here, put her down on the line and she hasn't moved since.
0:01:54 > 0:01:58That's nearly 24 hours. It's 24 and three quarters going on...
0:01:58 > 0:02:0224...45...55.
0:02:02 > 0:02:04It's going on for 25 hours.
0:02:04 > 0:02:09So you can tell me from experience yesterday that it works.
0:02:09 > 0:02:14You can say 25 hours. I'm gonna have to lift her, Gerry. She's a laying hen and she didn't lay yesterday.
0:02:14 > 0:02:18She's due to lay today. I had a feel and there's an egg in her.
0:02:18 > 0:02:20You had a bit of a feel? Aye.
0:02:20 > 0:02:22So there's one in the breech? Aye.
0:02:22 > 0:02:23How do I get her out of this?
0:02:23 > 0:02:29If I were you, the logical way to approach this would be to get yourself a wet cloth.
0:02:29 > 0:02:31Right. Did you make the line with chalk? Aye, yeah.
0:02:31 > 0:02:34Start at the end of it. Will I do that now?
0:02:34 > 0:02:36Yeah. And start rubbing it out.
0:02:36 > 0:02:39Hold on, hold on.
0:02:39 > 0:02:43I had to cover her in a blanket last night in case she came to in the middle of the night.
0:02:43 > 0:02:45You're not making this up? No. She's here.
0:02:45 > 0:02:51I'm getting worried about her now. She's breathing all right.
0:02:51 > 0:02:53You'd think she was dead but she's just still.
0:02:53 > 0:02:56She might need artificial insem... No!
0:02:56 > 0:02:59HE LAUGHS Make sure you go to the right end!
0:02:59 > 0:03:02Will you come back to me when...
0:03:02 > 0:03:06I'm going to do it here now. Talk me through it.
0:03:06 > 0:03:09I'll have to put the phone down. Go ahead.
0:03:09 > 0:03:11CHAIR SCRAPES ON FLOOR
0:03:11 > 0:03:13Let's hope that wasn't the hen!
0:03:13 > 0:03:16This is a genuine happening here.
0:03:16 > 0:03:21Hold on, Gerry. I'm explaining to the listeners. Come back when you're ready.
0:03:21 > 0:03:26A lot of radio presenters would use this as a comedy piece but this isn't a comedy piece.
0:03:26 > 0:03:29GLASS SMASHING/CRASHING BANGING
0:03:29 > 0:03:31Watch her!
0:03:31 > 0:03:33CHICKEN CLUCKS FURIOUSLY
0:03:33 > 0:03:36Get away from the window!
0:03:36 > 0:03:41COMMOTION CONTINUES
0:03:41 > 0:03:43GLASS SMASHES
0:03:43 > 0:03:47Let her out! Let her out!
0:03:51 > 0:03:52I'll have her out!
0:03:52 > 0:03:55Something's gone badly wrong here.
0:03:55 > 0:03:59FOOTSTEPS
0:03:59 > 0:04:00Gerry, hold on.
0:04:00 > 0:04:03I think there's something gone wrong there.
0:04:03 > 0:04:06What happened?
0:04:06 > 0:04:08She flew out there window and wrecked the statue here.
0:04:08 > 0:04:12It's like a family thing. Child of Prague. There's broken bits here.
0:04:12 > 0:04:18I'm going to have to go, Gerry. The wife's in. It's Gerry Anderson.
0:04:18 > 0:04:21I don't blame you, Gerry. I know you started it but I don't blame you.
0:04:21 > 0:04:25It's my own fault, right? We'll get back to you when you come round.
0:04:25 > 0:04:28Bye. Bye. OK. Bye.
0:04:28 > 0:04:31Did you hear what happened there?
0:04:31 > 0:04:33I think I did.
0:04:33 > 0:04:37What happened is the hen went berserk and knocked down the Child of Prague statue.
0:04:37 > 0:04:39Do you know what that means?
0:04:39 > 0:04:41Bad luck, is it?
0:04:41 > 0:04:44It's not good.
0:05:35 > 0:05:35Morning, Gerry.
0:05:35 > 0:05:40Remember, Stephen, you said why don't they do an animated cartoon of you and I said...?
0:05:40 > 0:05:41A cartoon.
0:05:41 > 0:05:46If we got a football and a golf ball and put hair on the golf ball, that's his head and that's it done!
0:05:46 > 0:05:49But we can't do it because not a lot of people have widescreen.
0:05:49 > 0:05:52I've had enough of this. You're in the studio...
0:05:52 > 0:05:58You don't like it? I don't. I want my own cartoon. It's ridiculous! Nobody likes him in Belfast.
0:05:58 > 0:06:00No-one likes me in Derry either!
0:06:00 > 0:06:05He comes here and he struts around in the suit and he has his little apartment and his Merc. His Mercedes.
0:06:05 > 0:06:07It's pathetic! I don't care.
0:06:07 > 0:06:09Goodbye. Goodbye.
0:06:09 > 0:06:13OK, bye. Wait till you hear this. You heard this yesterday
0:06:13 > 0:06:17but you wouldn't pass this on to me. You know what this is. Stop it.
0:06:17 > 0:06:21You know what this is. Yes but people don't want to know. This is where you're wrong.
0:06:21 > 0:06:25This programme could be better. There are things that you don't like.
0:06:25 > 0:06:30That's right. Things you don't like me talking about. No! I didn't know how to broach this.
0:06:30 > 0:06:32Why didn't you tell me? I didn't know...
0:06:32 > 0:06:35There's things that embarrass you because you're a nice Catholic lad
0:06:35 > 0:06:38and I'm a bad young Catholic lad. I'm not as nice as you
0:06:38 > 0:06:42and there are things that I like talking about that you don't.
0:06:42 > 0:06:45So you don't tell me things that I'd talk about...
0:06:45 > 0:06:47We wondered...
0:06:47 > 0:06:51You kept this back from me. This is the greatest thing I have ever heard
0:06:51 > 0:06:55and you never told me because you don't think it's nice. Let's put it out to the people.
0:06:55 > 0:06:57No! A man rang this programme...
0:06:57 > 0:07:01You're embarrassed because you can't believe I'll tell the people this.
0:07:01 > 0:07:02I know.
0:07:02 > 0:07:05A man rang this programme yesterday claiming to be a doctor.
0:07:05 > 0:07:09Yes, "claiming". Didn't I say, "claiming to be a doctor"? Yes. Yes.
0:07:09 > 0:07:13He said that when he was a student doctor...
0:07:13 > 0:07:17he was involved in artificial insemination.
0:07:17 > 0:07:20You don't like that do you? No. Right.
0:07:20 > 0:07:22But what he actually did was...
0:07:22 > 0:07:25People donated - and I hope you don't mind this, the children listening -
0:07:25 > 0:07:27their sperm.
0:07:28 > 0:07:33He had to separate the Catholic sperm from the Protestant sperm.
0:07:34 > 0:07:36Now, I leave it up to you,
0:07:36 > 0:07:37is that true?
0:07:37 > 0:07:41I tend to believe it because, after all, this is Northern Ireland.
0:07:41 > 0:07:45The sperm aren't Catholic or Protestant but they came from Catholic people.
0:07:45 > 0:07:48If a sperm comes from a Catholic person...
0:07:48 > 0:07:49Did you see the match last night?
0:07:49 > 0:07:54You see! This is what's wrong with you. This is why I'm in this seat and you're not -
0:07:54 > 0:07:55because you won't take a chance.
0:07:55 > 0:08:01You're worried in case neighbours or people in the street talk about this. Do you know what I am, Sean?
0:08:01 > 0:08:05I'm a beacon of truth. I'll talk about Catholic and Protestant sperm if it kills me!
0:08:05 > 0:08:07Unless they sack me! By thunder, so be it!
0:08:07 > 0:08:14You know...the...the...that sell the, um, fake imitation lea-lea-leather coats?
0:08:14 > 0:08:16They're in Cullybackey.
0:08:16 > 0:08:19Why not engage in this? Why will you not join me in deciding
0:08:19 > 0:08:25whether or not there are Catholic sperm and Protestant sperm...? Oh... You see, you know,
0:08:25 > 0:08:29you've no imagination. I want to know if that's true. Any trainee doctors out there,
0:08:29 > 0:08:32maybe they could tell me if that's the truth?
0:08:32 > 0:08:35Do they separate the sperm of Catholic people from Protestant people?
0:08:35 > 0:08:38You don't even like the word sperm. Eurgh.
0:08:38 > 0:08:39Sperm.
0:08:39 > 0:08:42Why are you so embarrassed? You are so embarrassed.
0:08:42 > 0:08:45There's a call on one. Hello.
0:08:45 > 0:08:46Hello, good morning.
0:08:46 > 0:08:50Good morning, Sean, er, Gerry. That's all right. That's me. Don't worry.
0:08:50 > 0:08:53I spoke to Sean and got muddled up. It could happen to a bishop.
0:08:53 > 0:08:57Well, it's happened to me this morning. I was opening a tin of corned beef
0:08:57 > 0:09:01and I've just cut my finger. The blood's pouring out of my finger here.
0:09:01 > 0:09:05How charming(!) It's awful. I hope you're OK. Well,
0:09:05 > 0:09:07I have lost half a pint of blood. Could you find out
0:09:07 > 0:09:13from somebody who makes them why they must put the corned beef in square tins with a key on to get them open?
0:09:13 > 0:09:16They're the most awkward thing I've ever tried to get open.
0:09:16 > 0:09:17Keys on corned beef tins.
0:09:17 > 0:09:23It was after opening a tin that I got my finger cut. By thunder. I wondered if you could find out?
0:09:23 > 0:09:27I'll do what I can. I'd be very grateful to you. All right then.
0:09:27 > 0:09:31I would really. OK? OK. Thank you very much. Thank you very much. Bye.
0:09:31 > 0:09:34Bye. Thank you. Sean, I want to about the quality of the calls today.
0:09:34 > 0:09:36Excellent, aren't they? Very good.
0:09:36 > 0:09:42Maybe perhaps you could go easy on the corned beef tin calls, you know, for maybe a show or two?
0:09:42 > 0:09:44I think we've covered that.
0:09:44 > 0:09:47Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd.
0:09:47 > 0:09:50E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk
0:10:31 > 0:10:32What about the man? Er, the lady.
0:10:32 > 0:10:35Where? One. I didn't know about her. ..Good morning.
0:10:35 > 0:10:39I thought you'd never answer! He didn't tell me you were on.
0:10:39 > 0:10:41He's very dour, isn't he?
0:10:41 > 0:10:43Yes, he is, as a matter of fact.
0:10:43 > 0:10:46People don't know what I have to put up with.
0:10:46 > 0:10:48He's abrupt and short.
0:10:48 > 0:10:51People don't realise I'm not being helped at all here.
0:10:51 > 0:10:53At least he got you on the phone.
0:10:53 > 0:10:56But I'm bubbly and gay... Sorry, I'm bubbly and bright!
0:10:56 > 0:10:58OK, what is your name? My name is Karen.
0:10:58 > 0:11:02Do you know why I'm ringing you? I'm having awful trouble with a crow.
0:11:02 > 0:11:05It's attacking my house. I think it's a crow.
0:11:05 > 0:11:08It's been doing this now for four days.
0:11:08 > 0:11:11It's actually sitting up now as we speak, watching my house.
0:11:11 > 0:11:14Is it? It is. Did you ever see that film The Birds?
0:11:14 > 0:11:15That is what it's like.
0:11:15 > 0:11:17If another 5,000 join it, you're in trouble.
0:11:17 > 0:11:19This is what I'm worrying about.
0:11:19 > 0:11:22If it's on its own, I wouldn't worry. Is it tapping your window?
0:11:22 > 0:11:24It's not tapping the window.
0:11:24 > 0:11:29It's actually dive-bombing the window till the blood is running down the window.
0:11:29 > 0:11:31I have a horse and I have him tied up out the back
0:11:31 > 0:11:33because it attacked the horse.
0:11:33 > 0:11:37It attacked a horse? And it hits your windows until the blood flies out of the bird?
0:11:37 > 0:11:40It's self-harm, is that what it's called? Self destruction, yeah.
0:11:40 > 0:11:44A kamikaze. This seems to be like some kind of bird madness.
0:11:44 > 0:11:46It wouldn't be a bad sign?
0:11:46 > 0:11:49I wouldn't worry about that - it's just a bird crazy.
0:11:49 > 0:11:51There are many crazy birds knocking about.
0:11:51 > 0:11:54Well, I know that. We can't get any sleep.
0:11:54 > 0:11:55That's how loud it is.
0:11:55 > 0:11:59And my daughter has even camcordered it and it tried to attack her.
0:11:59 > 0:12:01It's a hell of a bird, that.
0:12:01 > 0:12:06I'll tell you what, I'm sure somebody will ring us with a logical explanation...
0:12:06 > 0:12:10Clingfilm! Yes? Clingfilm will stop the crow.
0:12:10 > 0:12:12Will it? You wrap it in it?
0:12:12 > 0:12:14No, if you put clingfilm at the bottom of the window.
0:12:14 > 0:12:16The bird is seeing its reflection.
0:12:16 > 0:12:19Don't be silly - sure it's at the roof and everything.
0:12:19 > 0:12:24It's not just the window. The thing is trying to demolish the house. Did you not listen?
0:12:24 > 0:12:28Even I know that if it's tapping at the window, it thinks it's its reflection.
0:12:28 > 0:12:31This is a serious crow. It's determined to gain entry.
0:12:31 > 0:12:35Is this crow tapping at the... It's ripping the roof off the bloody house!
0:12:35 > 0:12:40It's trying to demolish the house! It's not trying to tap the window.
0:12:40 > 0:12:42The woman is lying in her bed terrified!
0:12:42 > 0:12:45Your wife's the same, every night you come home.
0:12:45 > 0:12:48What's that noise? I'm doing my ironing.
0:12:48 > 0:12:50At the same time as talking to me?
0:12:50 > 0:12:53Yes. That's a lack of respect. That's a lack of respect.
0:12:53 > 0:12:58Could you please give a thank you to a Mr Geddis?
0:12:59 > 0:13:04Yes? For solving the problem of my septic tank.
0:13:04 > 0:13:07OK, thank you for solving Karen's problem with her septic tank.
0:13:07 > 0:13:11Do you remember I was on the phone months ago about my septic tank?
0:13:11 > 0:13:13Did they tell you to put a chicken in it?
0:13:13 > 0:13:16They told me to put something dead in it. Yes, a chicken will do.
0:13:16 > 0:13:19Well, I got a fox.
0:13:19 > 0:13:21HE LAUGHS
0:13:24 > 0:13:27Can I be turned off? No, this is too good!
0:13:27 > 0:13:29I got a fox. A dead fox?
0:13:29 > 0:13:31I found a fox at the side of the road.
0:13:31 > 0:13:36I didn't kill the fox. Right. Mr Geddis did offer me something.
0:13:36 > 0:13:38What did he offer you? He offered me a donkey.
0:13:38 > 0:13:42^ HE LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY
0:13:42 > 0:13:46LAUGHTER
0:13:46 > 0:13:48That's a bit big, isn't it?
0:13:48 > 0:13:53That's what I said. It wouldn't fit into a septic tank.
0:13:55 > 0:13:57You'd have to bend it over double.
0:13:57 > 0:14:00Would you kill it first before putting it in the tank?
0:14:00 > 0:14:02This is the thing. He'd never kill a donkey.
0:14:02 > 0:14:04It would die of natural causes?
0:14:04 > 0:14:06I had to just go and look for something dead.
0:14:06 > 0:14:08I found a fox and put it in the septic tank
0:14:08 > 0:14:11and everything seems to have come smelling of roses!
0:14:11 > 0:14:14LAUGHTER
0:14:14 > 0:14:17I think we'll just leave it at that.
0:14:17 > 0:14:19No wonder they're attacking you -
0:14:19 > 0:14:22they've heard you've donkeys in your septic tank.
0:14:22 > 0:14:24Anyone knows how to stop...
0:14:24 > 0:14:26Another thing - I need a digger driver.
0:14:26 > 0:14:28LAUGHTER
0:14:28 > 0:14:30Sure, you wouldn't get him into a septic tank!
0:14:30 > 0:14:32LAUGHTER
0:14:34 > 0:14:36He mightn't want to go in!
0:14:39 > 0:14:40GUNSHOT
0:14:45 > 0:14:48Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd - 2006
0:14:48 > 0:14:51E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk